Narcissistic abusers live in a false imaginary world that is split off from reality. The dissociated state that narcissists live in is a defense against feeling inner shame and pain which their true self is experiencing from their wounds of childhood. Narcissistic abusers pull victims into their fake world with love bombing and promises of love when in reality they are recruited to serve and be a supply for the narcissistic abuser.
According to most neurologists and psychologists, 90 to 98 percent of a persons conscious awareness is not actually inside of the individuals awareness but rather existing in the unconscious of the subconscious mind. Wounds of childhood exists in the subconscious and create a faulty subconscious programming that without identifying, dismantling and healing will create patterns that lead to destruction and possibly abuse. When looking to heal from abuse it is important o make the unconscious cons...
Vulnerability becomes extremely difficult for abuse victims who have learned that being so will subject them to mistreatment and exploitation. Vulnerability, however, is a prerequisite for human connection and without it can lead to isolation and extreme defenses that lead to emotional and mental dis-ease. It is imperative to heal from within the wounds of childhood and past relationships in order to heal one’s ability to be vulnerability and ultimate heal the ability to connect and be intimate.
Narcissistic abusers are notorious for boundary violating and disrespecting their partners, friends, children etc. victims may not realize they are being violated and therefore make excuses, back down, or even allow for boundary violations which slowly erode, weaken, and destroy confidence and self esteem. It is imperative to heal oneself and build a sense of healthy self so that boundary violations become more evident and better boundary are able to be set. This along with learning to say no an...
Narcissistic abusers are aware that they can use shame and guilt to make victims feel badly about minor actions taken that upset them. By shaming and guilting victims, they will look within to correct their behavior and thus blame and shame themselves. The narcissistic abuser will look to groom victims to become the best source of supply as victims work on themselves to please the perpetrator. Victims who already may feel shameful about themselves will get stuck in a feedback loop of self blame ...
“It's impossible to love someone and control them at the same time" - Terry Crews. There is no better description of the lack of love that exists with narcissistic abusers then this quote. Narcissistic abuse is fake and manipulated relationship designed to keep victims serving as a source of supply. All actions taken and narcissistic abuse tactics by narcissistic abusers are done to maintain this control. Victims of narcissistic abuse will need to far the harsh shocking reality of their false re...
Empathy is a natural and later nurtured human trait that allows one to step out of one’s shoes and feel another’s pain. It’s allows for true human connection as two people are able to bond and be vulnerable seeing and experiencing each other’s perspective. Narcissists lack this trait because of early childhood trauma. Narcissists use fake empathy which mirrors back to the victim that they are cared for and loved when in fact they are not. Fake emotions like fake empathy and love can keep victims...
The Repetition Compulsion is the phenomenon where relationship partners are chosen with specific abuse patterns that are repeating a childhood dynamics of abuse or neglect. The unconscious drive, according to Sigmund Freud, is done in order to gain mastery over one’s inner world where they once felt helpless. It is also done in an attempt to recreate an happier ending where in the past there was abuse. Needless to say, the compulsion does not lead to satisfaction and resolution and often ends th...
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Codependency is a relationship dynamics that includes people pleasing, self sacrificing, and clinging to others in an attempt to avoid inner pain and wounds left from childhood and pst relationship hurts. Codependency often team up with narcissists in a perfect dance that include the codependent continuously giving in the hopes of being loved while the emotionally unavailable narcissistic abuser continuously taking serving their entitled sense of self.
The Trauma Bond otherwise known as the Stockholm Syndrome, is when a victim is bonded to their abuser with feelings of love and desire regardless of the abuse and mistreatment. The phenomenon is found in narcissistic abuse as victims are often times unaware they are in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. They will defend, protect, and serve their abuser who will always promise to love them back if they keep serving and doing more. Victims are usually blinded to the rue extend of the abuse...
How often do you feel like you are never enough, doing enough, or accomplishing enough? Everyone has been plagued by these feelings at one point in their life. Feeling worthless becomes crippling when we buy into the feeling as an indication of personal value. Often times it will dictate self image and choices as fear becomes the driving forces. Fear of being left with intolerable shame and feeling worthless. Abuse victims are ravaged with these feelings as the deep shame within has no where to ...
Covert Sexual Incest is a term coined by Dr Kenneth Adams to describe the inappropriate enmeshment between a parent and child. This happens when a parent is lonely, and in a dysfunctional relationship of their own looking to the child to fill this void. The child then loses out on their youth and is forced to please the parent by becoming a surrogate spouse. The child feels special and to some degree enjoys the special treatment but in the end becomes severely impaired relationally as they come ...
Our beliefs systems are created in childhood as we shape a personality that is based on messages received from parents and surrounding cast. Abuse leaves victims with a core belief system that looks a whole lot like the following: “I am ugly, shameful, and therefore unworthy of love” “I am incompetent” “I am unintelligent” “I am worthless” The list goes on and on. The reason is that every act of abuse has along with it a deep hurtful message internalized by victims that says “you are being treat...
Gaslighting is a control tactic done to make victims feel crazy by offering a series of lies masked as truths and forcing victims to doubt themselves and ultimately drives them crazy. Gaslighting is often used by narcissistic abusers to keep control of the relationship and cover up the truth of the relationship ship purpose which is to manipulate victims for personal gain.
It is perfectly normal to have narcissistic tendencies but those with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) have the following traits: - Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance - Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration - Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it - Exaggerate achievements and talents - Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate - Believe they are superior and ...
Any form of abuse will cause extreme shame in victims. Vulnerability which is synonymous with intimacy will become greatly affected. Abuse often distorts, damages, and traumatizes one’s ability to create a sexual identity making being sexual and intimate later in life very difficult. Because there may not have been sexual abuse involved it is diffuse to see how one’s sexuality is effected by abuse. With narcissistic abuse there is an extreme lack of boundaries and enmeshment which insidiously ca...
I was joined by former patient Joseph who discussed his healing journey from an abusive childhood. We discussed the Mind Map and the way it helped him heal from the abandonment wound.
Emotional flashbacks are an indicator of wounds of childhood that have yet to be resolved. According to Pete Walker, an expert on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a Disorder much like PTSD but experienced by those who are experiencing long term abuse without possibility of escape, describes that when suffering from an emotional flashback there will be great shame and depression that stems from the child not getting their needs met by an abandoning and emotionally unavailable parent or pri...
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Narcissistic Fathers are entitled and use their family to make them look good. They will cause damage to the children by never allowing them into the spotlight making it all about them. They will bully family members into compliance with a fear and intimidating attitude that makes noncompliance an affront to their authority. Narcissistic fathers cause their family members to feel humiliated and therefore have a low sense of self confidence. It is important to address the wounds experienced and h...
Narcissistic Mothers lack empathy and use others as do other narcissistic abusers but what differentiates them is their disguise as being a super mom and having it all together when in reality they are disrespectful, abusive, and hurtful to those close to them behind closed doors. Narcissistic mothers force their family to serve their needs and will rage at and devalue those who dare not comply. They will act fun and caring in public but behind closed doors will devalue and humiliate those same ...
BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, is characterized by a pervasive fear of abandonment and extreme emotional dysregulation. Those suffering from this disorder may act clingy and loving in one moment and then rage out in the next moment at any slight of perceived fear of abandoned by friends, partners, and family members. The inability to feel safe and calm the extreme efflux of emotions makes being in a relationship with a BPD can be exhausting and potentially lethal. Those suffering from ...
Narcissistic family units are completely controlled by a narcissistic abuser who has manipulated, bullied, and coerced everyone to serve them. These families, while looking good on the outside, are extremely lacking in love, empathy, and boundaries. The unit is designed to serve the parent and each member is given a role based on how the narcissistic abuser sees their value. These roles include the scapegoat child, golden child, hero child, and mascot child. The roles may be switched at any mome...
Narcissists are wounded individuals who experienced having a rejecting, neglecting, smothering, controlling, or dismissive parent. In an attempt to feel adequate after feeling worthless from negative treatment, the child will work tirelessly to be good enough in their parents eyes. Narcissists are often formed by parents who idealize their children will set up an expectation that is is unrealistic and thus crushes the child’s confidence. These experiences shape the child’s and then eventual adul...
Narcissistic abusers live in a prison of their own mind and look to pull victims into this prison to serve and become a supply of love, adoration, money etc. known as a narcissist supply. Victims of narcissistic abuse are unaware of this dynamics and if they do not catch on soon enough will become stuck in the prison of the narcissist ultimately losing themselves in pursuit of trying to please their narcissistic abuser. In order to free oneself from the prison of the narcissist, victims must fac...
Neural pathways are created and reinforced when a child experiences repetitive good or negative thoughts, feelings, feedback and messages. When there are continuous wounding experiences, the child is going to have an over reactive emotional brain known as the amygdala and the continuous rapid fire of neurons in the brain causes emotional overwhelm. When the amygdala is overwhelmed, it’s clouds judgement and ultimately leads to extreme reactivity. The amygdala will it be able to soothe, in the ca...
Childhood abuse of any sort creates a fracture in the self. With extreme abuse as with narcissistic abuse, the child will be unable to build a sense of self resulting in the need to build a false self to avoid the true, battered, shamed, and even annihilated self. Lack of empathy, attunement and consistency by abusive, addicted, or narcissistic parents distrusts the foundation of the child and the ego is bruised and broken. Children and eventual adults will be unable to have healthy connections ...
Narcissistic Abusers use Idealizing, Devaluing & Discarding as a way of controlling victims. The initial love bombing stage is done to make the victim feel exceptional and as if they have found the perfect partner. The narcissistic abuser will then engage in the process of Devaluation which includes put downs, humiliation, gaslighting and withholding of love. The Discard phase is when the narcissistic abuse throws out the victim and sees the partner as needy, demanding and no longer a valid ...
The injury to the self, caused by critical, abusive, judgmental or narcissistic parents is called a narcissistic wound. When a child is wounded they will often opt for the false self and pseudo personality, they will be left with a wound that and look to defend against having re-injured. In adulthood, this wounded individual's wounds will get tripped up and activated when in similar situations that are reminiscent of the original wounding experiences. When this is the case, the wounded individua...
