MTGM EXTRA! "Weaponised incompetence."

This is a Global Player original podcast.

Hello, welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me with myself, Joelle McNally and my co-host and mother extraordinaire, Vogue Williams. Just to give this, to explain why I'm telling this story, Vogue forgot about the podcast today. Well, you're only 13 minutes late, which, you know, whatever.

What's 13 minutes between friends? Anyway, but you said you remembered the pod, but then you went and did something, got distracted and forgot about the pod. And I was just literally having a little scroll, scroll.

waiting for you and I came across a video of a guy on his phone looking at something and the caption was how easy he gets distracted and then he turns to show his friends and they're all dead in a car crash and he was supposed to be in the ambulance and he just forgot and started googling something. Very funny. That's you. That's you. I'm clearing out three children's wardrobes at the moment. Doing a fantastic job. Thanks for asking. But it is like full on. Vogue, you're frozen.

Oh, well. Oh, thank God. That's the way I like to be. You look great. Yeah, exactly. It's taken 10 years off you. You're like a child over there in the frozen pose. I went, I was there. I was with... Otto's school friends because we did a playground thing today and one of the girls was like you look you look really different and I was like yeah I've had Botox and then I was like oh my god that must sound so because her face kind of was like oh and I was like

Oh, maybe it's not like, I know I tell you all the time, but like, it's probably unusual to other people. No, because you're in your honest era. So you're just telling everyone everything. I love it. So yeah, if anyone says anything. And also, it's that very Irish thing of when someone gives you a compliment, you have to send it back.

by talking about what a piece of shit you are. Although, I have to say, I'm actually quite good at taking compliments now. Now I just go, thank you, thank you. Or if someone goes, I like your top, I go, it's nice, isn't it? Because I realised I didn't make... Yeah, because I didn't make the top.

So like, you know, someone goes, oh, that's a nice dress. You can't go, oh God, it's a piece of shit, blah, blah, blah. Someone else made it. You just bought it because you also like it. So it's okay to say, thank you. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Or someone goes, I got my hair done the other day. Your hair looks nice. I said, thank you. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Because I didn't do that.

the hair. So I'm not taking credit for the invention of the dress or the hair. I'm just wearing what someone else has made. So I'm like, yeah, I like it too. Thanks. That's why I bought it. I know, I'm not quite at that phase yet, but I understand what you're saying. But like, if someone's like, oh, you look really well, I'm like...

I have so much hair and makeup on. Sorry, yeah. So much. No, if anyone gives me compliments on my physical appearance, obviously then I will backtrack and talk about what a ditch pig I am. Of course. You should have gone to Specsavers. I promise I don't look that nice.

you've obviously got you're obviously blind yeah now tell me first night of the tour in Glasgow yes we're up and running baby First big room. So excited. First of the biggies. It was great. Glasgow. Do you know that Glasgow is the third biggest selling city on this tour after London and Dublin? Isn't that mental? That's strange people. I'm telling you. We're kindred spirits. It's the Scots. We're just fucking sad.

but anyway so it was great now the show I'm still I will tinker that show I will be tinkering that show until it's finished tonight I'm already looking at moving things around and doing the top at the end and the end at the top sure when I see it it's going to be a different show because when I went at the start of the tour I went to the end of the tour last time I was like Joanne like that wasn't the same thing yeah the show has to grow and evolve and like

I still, yeah, I'm still trying to figure out. I want this like huge ending, which I'm still trying to figure out. But yeah, it was a good show. I'm telling you, I had a ball. Why don't you pop out of a cake? For the end. How would I get in? They'd see me go into the cake. Be a bit awkward. Give me 10, girls. Just talk amongst yourselves as I pour myself into a cardboard cake.

And then pop out like a surprise. They're like, we saw you go in, you mad bitch. We literally just sat here and watched you climb into the cake. But yeah, I'd have to shoot myself out of a cannon. Now, of course, I am trying to keep casts. Cast it down. Just pull a chicken out of a hat or something. You're right. You're right. T got a magic set for his birthday and it seems pretty goddamn easy to me. Oh my God. Why am I focused on the material? I should just do a magic trick at the end.

Do you know what you get yourself? You remember those joke boxes where you got like the joke chewing gum and you used to pull out the chewing gum and it used to snap you on the finger? I actually do, yeah. Yeah, or else get some snaps. And just start throwing snaps on the stage. Yeah, just start, or like a Gigi at a tap dance or something. How was she about late nights? She's actually, no, she's not great. T will stay up with you though. Yeah.

He'll just come out and do a little TED Talk on dinosaurs just to wrap the whole thing up. Or he could do the magic for you. Perfect. But it was good, was it? Yeah, no, it was great, Crack. I have to say I'm delighted to be back. I've missed it. I've missed it. It feels like you didn't go away for that long, but maybe it's because you've been doing all your pre-show shows. It feels like you've just been always doing it. Floating around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, these things take...

To write a good show, I think it's a two-year process. To write a really good show, I think. It's two years. You know, that's why I'm always flabbergasted when comedians go out every once. For me, I'm saying it's two years. Some people can pull it off in a quicker time span than that. I can't. I certainly can't. It takes me two years to get it like, in my mind, like a banging show.

that's what I wanted to get to. So I will keep, I will keep tinkering with us. And so you're Glasgow again tonight. Are you going out today in Glasgow or what are you doing? No, no, no, no. I've learned, I've learned, I've learned, I've learned. So you're looking very fresh. Yeah.

at this tour. I'm telling you, I'm telling you about Girolda's like, I gave it two days. I'm like, no, no pre-drinking. Maybe one drink after the show. That's it. It's all very, and I'm going to do my running. I'm really going to. keep my shit together this time because by the time Prosecco finished I was a shell and I just don't want to do that to myself again no I mean you were texting me at half eight this morning and I was like

She's still up? Yeah. I know. I know, yeah. No, I didn't. We just went for dinner after. Very civilised. Oh my God. A dinner? What time is the show at? Tell me what time it starts at. Voting for a matinee, everyone, so don't.

Listen, I'm going to make it happen. I would do a matinee. I would. I think Plymouth, I'm doing two shows. This will be out. Actually, this might be out before or after Plymouth. I'm not sure. Plymouth, I'm doing two shows in a day. And Dubai, I'm doing two shows in a day. I'm up for doing a matinee.

I'd love a matinee. It would really suit me now. Would you though? Would you really though? I would love a matinee. I would. I wonder what I'd do a matinee for like, kind of... any other losers follow us does anyone want to come to a matinee with me that would be why not put on a show for the losers

I tell you what, why don't we choose a day and I'll go to that matinee. Let's choose one in Dublin and I'll go to that matinee. Do you know, I actually think it's a really good idea because do you remember, I remember, this is kind of a different thing, but the cinema near me used to put on...

morning cinemas morning films for mums who've just had babies and you were like bring your babies in and then if people were crying babies were crying like you know there was no judgement and stuff so they'd be putting on

they'd be putting movies on at like 10am, 11am and stuff. And a friend, friends of mine used to go and they loved it. They're like, it's great to be accommodated like that. Well, I'd like, I don't want to be, I'm not going to watch your comedy at 10. You wouldn't even be fired up. God! Well, like one or two?

One or two. That's a great time. I think three is a good time for a show. Okay, that's pushing on dinner, but that's fine. That's fine. You'll be taking your makeup off, obviously. I was like, I can see you getting ready for bed, folk. Three o'clock, one London three o'clock and one Dublin three o'clock. I'll go to both. I've just watched you put your earplugs in. I'm still on stage. I've got the white noise on. Vogue, turn your fucking phone off.

Have you watched the Catfish documentary on Netflix, the new one, called Wrong Number or Weird Number or Something Number? Everybody, let's watch that and we can talk about it in the main next week. Yeah, do. Promise me you'll watch it now. I promise you I'll watch it. So we can discuss it. Yeah, it's quite something. Put some time aside.

Lean in. You wonder how it happens to people, but then you also wonder how people end up getting ghosted and then you get ghosted yourself and you're like, oh, that's how it happens. It can happen to anyone. That's our homework for Friday. We're going to talk about the pod on Friday. Homework. Any emails. Homework. Yeah. Any emails you want to send in about it, send them in to hello at MTGM pod. Yeah, go on. Global.com. Nope.

Hello at MTGMPod at gmail.com. It's hello at MTGMPod.com. Hello at MTGMPod.com. Can you hear me drinking? It's coconut water. Oh, look at me. I'm an angel. Oh, she's just going to root through her packing cubes now. I'm telling you, I'm a new woman. I'm going to come out of this. I keep screaming at her out. This is...

A fitness camp, Garoud. It's not even a comedy tour now. It's a fitness camp. He's like, calm down. He's a good one to have on tour with you because Garoud is very well behaved. Is he doing the whole tour with you? Yeah, yeah. You know, he's so well behaved. Like last night, like obviously I had a drink after the show and he'd like a little Coca-Cola with a straw.

He's just so good. And do you know what Gro does as well? He leaves you alone because you like to have your own private time when you're on tour and he leaves you alone. He leaves you to it. I do. I'm quite the hermit. Yeah. It all comes down to the social battery. Come here, riddle me this. Why are you cleaning out all the kids' wardrobe? Get rid of them. Would I wear any of them? You would, but they wouldn't fit you. I'd love one of those little Gucci tracksuits that the lads have.

Yeah, there is a really nice one of them. No, kids grow out of clothes insanely fast. And because I... keep them all for Otto poor Otto I mean Theodore got a bike off his nanny for his birthday and I was like now make sure you get one he can grow into like don't get the really small one because there's one for like and then so like he's just he just about fits him and I'm like Otto will have that in four years time

Well, you know my system when it comes to giving kids clothes. I buy two pieces of clothing. I buy one because they're so cheap kids clothes. Do you know what I saved in Kevin Carey's the other day that you gave me? Remember you got, I don't even know which child it was. I think it might have been Theodore. You got him white dungarees and a pink t-shirt from Petit Bateau. And I've saved it just in case I have another child. So that's still going. Yeah, you see? Yeah.

Yeah, it's great giving clothes to someone as fertile as yourself because you know they'll get loads of uses out of it. And then I pass them all on again so they all get reused. I give one item of clothing that'll fit the baby. Say the baby's born, right? Day one. So baby's tiny, blah, blah, blah. So there's no point getting anything for the baby at that point because it's...

They have everything. They're only rocking around the gaff. They're not going anywhere. They don't need clothes. And then I got them for like, say, a three-month outfit and then I got a... 12 to 15 kind of month outfit because I just it means they'll get more time with the clothes not wear necessarily but I give them something to work towards to grow into so then I feel like my present is more appreciated because every time they look in the wardrobe they're like which one kind of that

even though they can't wear it. So it's something for them to work towards. That's what I do.

Any emails for us, Fooch, please? I certainly do. I would just like to say, I've just made myself the most delicious lunch I have. I can hear it rolling around in your mouth. You said you couldn't hear anything. And I was eating to the side. I can't bear hearing somebody eat. It's coming through loud. I'll never forget years ago. When I went to school in France, I went home with the family one weekend and the girl that I went home with her little sister.

I can still see it. And it was like, her mouth's like a cement mixer. Do you know the way you can see all the stuff wishing around? And she was eating eggs. And it was just like, oh. just all the white stuff i know i'll never forget i was 15 and i can still see i'm i can picture it perfectly

I have just such a weird. Gigi came over to me. This is terrible. The other morning to give me a kiss and she had egg in her mouth. I'm like the smell of egg. I was like, oh, Gigi, please swallow your egg first. And she started crying. I just feel so bad.

But please don't make me eat the egg off your lips. Oh, my God. Poor Gigi. Her first rejection. She's going to have to get used to it. It won't be the last if she keeps going around with an egg. Yeah. Yeah. She needs to learn now. It's not sexy. It's not cool. Okay, right. Here we go. Dear Vogue and Joanne. This is an advice please one. Long time listener, first time emailer here. I need your pearls of wisdom before my marriage descends into a Netflix true crime documentary. Wow.

Our pearls of wisdom. That'll be interesting. My husband has recently taken up the ancient art of weaponized incompetence. You know the one. I don't know how to use the washing machine. You're just better at folding towels. Which end? Can you hear that? Sorry, that's a poor wedding. It's a dog, yeah. Death rattle's been going on years now. Stop, I love him so much.

Which end of the hoover do I point at the floor? At this point, I'm half expecting him to tell me he's forgotten how to breathe and would I mind doing it for him? Now, I love the man. He's funny, kind, and does make a good cup of tea. But I'm starting to suspect that if there was an Olympic event for pretending not to know how to do basic household tasks, he'd bring home the gold. So my question is...

How do I put an end to this nonsense without either A. Adopting him as my second child or B. Setting the... Does he need the Heimlich? He sounds like Gigi tried to kiss him with egg in her mouth and he's like bombing. He's like, I can't, I can't. I think he got it up. He's alright. He got it up great. Go over and cut us back there. Just make sure it's all up. In case the listeners can't hear, we can hear what it's doing. Violently ratching. Violently ratching. Oh, God. Okay.

And we're setting, you're as an exasperated solidarity. I'm going to say a non because we don't know if you want to be. Not a non. Yeah. The thing about it is, I wouldn't wash his clothes. I'd leave his clothes inside and be like, you, my friend, can enjoy. Before we had kids, Spenny and I, like Spenny, he genuinely, once I said to him, I was like, oh, will you just turn off the dryer? And he goes, which one's the dryer? And I thought.

that's like and he wasn't just making up he just genuinely didn't know which one was the dryer so there is a level of that but also I think he can when you marry somebody he can only like You can only help them along the way, but they're never going to be what you want them to be like in terms of certain things. So you're just going to have to accept them.

Yeah. And don't wash his clothes. Don't wash his clothes. That's one way of getting them back. Yeah. I think, I think kick off. Like I think kick off. I do. I think like have a showdown. Show how angry you are because ultimately, and we all do this, if someone does everything for you, you get very used to it very quickly.

Yeah. And your, you know, behaviors are learnt in whatever environment they are taught. And if he's used to you grabbing the hoover off and going, you're so thick, he's just going to let you do that. Or make it pay for a cleaner.

That's actually a really good shout. If he's got any spare cash floating around, ask him if he's not going to do it that he has to pay for a cleaner. That's a really good idea. I used to live with two lads and they weren't the tidiest. Now, they weren't dirty or anything. Well...

They just weren't the tidiest and we just got a cleaner once a week because I was like, guys, I can't keep cleaning up after all of you. It was driving me nuts. Yeah, I went out with a lad who was like, so a lot of the time I'm the problem. So I'm this, I'm the husband. Okay. And I drive, I've lived with a couple of men romantically and platonically. But the ones I lived with romantically, I drove them.

all insane because they were all quite clean freaks and and i am and and i was i used to get really embarrassed because they'd be really angry at me and i was like i don't understand like i did clean up and i i did try and stack the dishwasher properly and i i wasn't weaponizing yeah it was genuine incompetence so maybe he's genuine I've got unclogging the toilet with the dice and he's like that's not how that works so maybe he's genuinely incompetent but

Yeah, you know, if you've also, if he's been led away with it up to this point, it's like, it's like the way, do you know the way your mum or your dad, or if you're, they kind of do things for you, like Pat would be very, she'll offer to go to the post office. No. What? Oh, Neil would, actually. No, Neil would. Yeah, Neil does. Neil's involved.

Neil's involved. Neil gives you a lift. Neil's offered a lift to the airport and everything. That's a real nice thing to do. Yeah, and Neil will be looking after. Like, Neil's helps with your accounts and all that jazz. So then you're kind of used to it. So then you automatically give your accounts to Neil. Like, Pat's my post office.

She's my post office person. I would have to say that it depends. And this is no shade on anyone's parents who just like, who did stuff for them because naturally you love your kids so much that you want to do it. But like...

When I was growing up, from a very early age, I was like, I think I was like 11 when I started making my own school lunch. And then I was hoovering like the stairs and cleaning the kitchen and doing all things like that from when I was very young. So I'm just really good at all that. to do my washing I knew how to cook and I really want my kids to know how to do all that stuff because

I think when you move out, it's a real shock. As I told you, remember that guy I told you about who didn't know that you had to wash your towels and he had to tell in uni for a whole year. Yeah. He didn't know. Yeah. And I remember, I've probably told the story before.

I lived with a girl who was, I mean, I thought I was incompetent. My God, this is years ago. And I was ended up, I was living with her and a boyfriend at the time. And she was in this, like, she was kind of our housemate. And I was cooking him dinner because I came home earlier than him.

And then I couldn't not cook her dinner because they were kind of coming home at the same time. So I was like, I suddenly am now cooking dinner for three people every day. And I'm like... fuck this oh god no fuck this noise so I said I was like look I'm you're both on your own go and cook your own dinner and she's like I don't know how to and so she asked me how to cook pasta and I said

put the pasta in the water and then when the pasta sauce put the sauce on and she was like okay and then she was in the kitchen cooking away and she came in she goes it doesn't look right and because i hadn't said drain the pasta

She didn't drain it. So she just thrown in all this. So some people, you're right, they're just not taught how to do stuff. Like Pat was always really good about mail for me, like my posts. So like paying bills and stuff. She was always making sure I was doing that stuff. And I mean, as much as I loved it, I don't think it stood to me, to be honest. No. Because then when I moved out, I was a bit, I was kind of flailing all over the place, you know? I was like, I don't know how to do anything.

Well, it was like anything. Well, Alza was, Alza wouldn't be like on the same. I had to kind of kick Alza into shape when he moved in with us because my mom kind of let him away with everything because he was the youngest. Yeah. And sure, like he lived off Bolognese. Twice a day. Delicious. For a year. Except not Saturdays and Sundays. When someone else comes from.

Also, we know that there is, you know, there is a kind of a, it's a bit of a stereotype, but stereotypes are usually, there's a bit of truth to them. A lot of married women, straight married women are raising their husbands. Let's be honest about it.

you know what i mean they're almost like another job that's what i've heard you can slightly change them all I'm saying is you can't ever make them as good as you but Spencer used to be really bad and now he's actually pretty good like he'll clean up after himself like I used to like when he'd leave stuff all over the house I'd pick it up and I'd just throw it all into his dress

just on the floor so he'd have to clean it up and now he just like he's gotten better at stuff like that but I'm never going to expect him to go and do the washing or like go like that's what I kind of just do so and this and this is why I live alone to have my own place and just

fuck it up and just fucking throw ragu on the wall if I want and not be like tiptoeing around worried that I've left something somewhere and not folded something right and all that jazz okay so we hope that's in some way helped you

And there's always divorce. You know me. I'm a huge fan. Your girlfriends will be delighted. Come back to the fold. Well, everyone, that's it for the bonus. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you for the May. Don't marry.