MTGM EXTRA! "Valuable travel information..."

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me With Me, Vogue Williams, and her teammate extraordinaire, Joanne McNally. Jo has just spotted... lawnmower out of the corner of my camera and he's identified it and I didn't even see it in real life and I've been in the kitchen for 48 hours. You are such a dad, Jo. This is insane. Tell me if it's a fly mirror. Does that just happen?

Have you started exposing your arse crack now during the day as well? Joanne, you've probably walked around that lawnmower in your kitchen and not noticed it. I didn't even know what it was. I could be mowing the lawn and I wouldn't know what I was doing. I was always a dad. I'm just only recently a father. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to look at it for me, though. Is it a fly-mo? Is it a fly-mo? Is it a fly-mo? Hold on a second.

Do you know what my toxic trait is? And I'm like, I wonder how much a plymo is. It's not heavily branded. It's a lawnmower joke. Come on now. It's a black and decker. It's not even... I don't know why she... Do you know what's so interesting I've just realised? There isn't a bit of grass in this whole house or garden. So I've absolutely no idea why she hasn't. She might be contracting. That means she's cutting other people's grass. That means she's out. In the cul-de-sac.

dragging that across the front you know the front bit of grass that's worth money oh my god that's being a kind neighbour is she doing like a paper round for like but with cutting grass what do they call that a lawnmower round what do they call it

A baba job. A baba job. Did you never go around? We used to go around to neighbours in our estate and ask if they needed any baba jobs. Yeah. We used to sing when they'd open the door and then put our hand out, put our little hand out for cash. Imagine the arrogance of that. They'd open the door. and we would just start singing. We'd just splatter. Isn't that terrible? And then we'd just put our hand out.

They tell you to fuck off where I was from. I wasn't from Kalining. From the block, yeah. You're from the block out there in Hoth, yeah. It was before I moved to Hoth. The flats. No, it was before I moved to Hoth. Thank you.

Come here to me. I think I have secured. I think. It's not 100% sure. I might have secured Spencer and Oasis ticket. The only. Very good. The only. The only fault is that he'll be on his own. Oh my God. Are you serious? Anyone would want to swap Rose with Spencer. Do you know what? There's a lot I do on my own and I think I am quite an independent person, but I don't know if I'd go to an Oasis concert on my own.

I'd go to every single Oasis concert on my own. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't need anyone. I, Jo, have just found out I know somebody who is working on the Oasis tour. That's not how I got the ticket, by the way. One of my best friends has an insider on the tour. And she didn't tell me. I was like, excuse me? Well, hold on. What's she doing now? Is she doing styling? Yeah, proper. Like she's proper in there. Like there is a chance. Well, apparently.

Well, what are you suggesting that you might get to touch them in the real world? Yeah, I just want to touch them. I want to touch. I won't say anything. They don't like to be spoken to. I'm fine with that. I would just like to gently touch Liam. If you could only touch one. Liam. obviously I don't give a fuck about Noel he ignored me I forgot about that I forgot you're fighting I forgot you're in a celebrity spat with Noel I was about to call him Noel Edmonds

Do you know who hates Noel Edmonds? Sorry, I forgot I'm fighting with Noel Edmonds. Ever since he set up that animal radio show and didn't give me a gig on it. Do you remember he set up the animal radio show? No, no one remembers that. And remember, we did it. I think we definitely discussed it on the pod before where he set up, because he's as mad as a box of spanners. And he set up a business where he'll ring your animal and kind of talk them through.

they're having a bit of a bad day and he's you know he's away with the fairies I think he's a bit of a tinfoil hat man I think there's a bang of Jim Carr off him If there's anyone in the world, Neil Wilson cannot stand. Like, absolutely. For no reason to spice. No headings. And the worst, the worst thing of ever. is that, and I don't know if Neil's noticed it, but they look very similar.

The same. I've studied Neil's face because me and Neil always end up sitting beside each other at events and I don't see any similarity there now. Google it. I swear to God, I'm telling you there. I just found it so peculiar because he doesn't like him so much that then I was like, why? He's projecting. Why the disdain from Neil towards Noel Edmonds? Is it the cancer thing?

There are certain things that are unexplained. Don't tell him about the cancer thing. That will send him off the edge, whatever that is. Do you remember we went on this morning and he was basically like, you know, if you have a... positive you know that one of the ways to catch cancer is to kind of have a negative outlook do you remember this he's one of those yeah he's like chin up you know who needs chemo just you know take a brisk walk in nature Eat butter cups. It's one thousand.

I don't even think Neil knows any of those things. He is responsible for what you say is the greatest physical comedian of all time. He is, yeah. But I don't know how much he had to do with Mr. Blabby. I don't think Mr. Blabby was his brainchild. Oh, maybe not. Maybe they just collaborated. Yeah, I have a feeling...

I think he got lucky and I think he I think he actually had it I don't think he if memory serves me correctly I don't think he likes working with Sir Blobby as I call him I call him Sir Blobby because he hasn't been knighted and I believe that's Because he's a minority. You're the reason I'm being held back in TV. Go and take some kind of suit and make it happen for me. Get some kind of suit and dress up and don't say anything. You're right. You know, you're right. I need to be more sidekicky.

I do. I need to be more side-picking. I want her in a suit, Jo. Blue. Blue suitor. Blue with spots. Do you know what I was only thinking the other day? I was like, I don't wear enough wigs. I was actually... That kept me up last night. I said to myself... last night I said Jesus Christ Joanna doesn't wear enough wigs and then I couldn't sleep a wink yeah I don't wear I don't I don't

Take advantage of the comedy of wigs enough. You have too much hair. You wouldn't be able to hide your hair. I'd have to shave it, yeah. Because when I was at our mutual friend Martin's 40th in Puglia, there was a kind of a Princess Diana wig going around and everyone had a go of it except myself, which is one of my biggest regrets. And the photos are still floating around the WhatsApp group and every single one of them is hysterical.

And there must be 50, 60 photos of people in that wig and every single photo is comical. And I said to myself, Joanne, you need to up your wig game. Back to Nell Gunner. So yeah, I'm... I'm going to feel uncomfortable going to the Oasis gig, obviously because me and Noel have had a huge falling out when he ignored me at Glastonbury. What a little bitch.

I had plucked up the courage to say hello to him. And it wasn't like there wasn't really many people around. I just walked by him like it was one of those like, hi. And I mean, he's Noel Gallagher. So actually, that was a compliment that he ignored me because if he was nice, it would have been weird and probably would have ruined the vibe.

Now I don't know how we're going to be when he's on stage. When he sees me. I think to me that reeks of sexual tension. If you don't mind me saying. My experience is the more a man ignores you. The more a man ignores you, the more he wants to ride you stupid. Are you telling me he wants to marry me? Yes.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't know. Is he the Marriott? Is he not divorced? Look, I am saying he got divorced. He's single. He is divorced. Liam, who I would have had my sights on, he is not single. I'd say now I'll give you one. And he was embarrassed. That's the way I look at life. I walk out to my door every day and say, all these lads, they're all ignoring me because they want to ride me stupid. Oh, are you saying he was intimidated by me? Yep.

I am. Thank you very much. He's not as hard as I think he is. He's off the gear now. So he's probably, you know, more kind of trying to work through his feelings. Yeah, it was either, he was either deeply intimidated by me or he really just had a disdain for me. We'll never know. We'll never know. And you know what, it's none of our business. It's none of my business and I'm willing to let...

Bygones, I'm going to his gig. Yeah, of course. To support him. He's not put off when he spots me. He needs the support. He needs the support. God love them. I didn't let them down. I couldn't let them down. God love them. Yeah. It's not Liam's fault, me and Noel.

I had I had a similar I had a run in with the with not a run in but I had a kind of embarrassing interaction I would say with a celebrity at Glastonbury who I in my Half cut state on my Craig Davids. Because we have mutual friends. Kind of in my head assumed because often in the business, you kind of just know other people who are similar floating around at the same level. You know, you just do. It's just kind of general osmosis. And I and she she actually walked towards me.

I was at the bar. I didn't I didn't kind of like shouldn't actually like throw myself across the tent to her. But I was like, hi, let's call her Margaret. I said, Margaret, hi. And well. Margaret was not up for the chats. My God. It was like, it was, you know, it was very much, it was like if you'd tried to touch Harry Styles. She had no bouncer, but she acted like she was her own bouncer.

She just kind of gave me this insane like smile of very much you're like, you know, no. And then just kind of touched my hand and just gently pushed me away from her. It was. It was actually so, do you know when something's so embarrassing, it's immediately funny. Like it's not even, you don't even have to wait. Usually comedy is tragedy plus time, blah, blah, blah. This was instantly hilarious. It was like I was trying to... score her. It was like I was trying to

grab her breasts. It was like I was trying to jock her. Like, even if I was a fan, just coming up as a fan. I am a fan of her. I am a fan of Margot anyway. It was quite the computer says no moment. It was. It was quite something. And then I acted it out for Vogue a couple of times after because I had to really demonstrate the smile. It wasn't great. It was pretty bad. I was certainly put back in my box, I can tell you.

I know and then it kind of puts you off people like when I when that happened to me with Deirdre at Glastonbury remember I told you about her and I was using fake names yeah I was a big fan and I was like I really loved your work on something and Deirdre was not kind to me and I was like oh my god Deirdre as soon as I turned around I was like I am unfollowing you Deirdre and you don't know what hit you that is it Deirdre I know

And I really felt like I took a bit of power back, a bit of the embarrassment went away once I unfollowed Dina. Yeah, because you're like, I'm not your groupie anymore, you know? Did you unfollow Margaret? You've humiliated me. You've humiliated me in front of my close friends and family. In hindsight, I mean, it was like 4am in like the Arcadia area in Glastonbury. I probably had six eyes. Do you know what I mean? Like it was a very long day.

in Glastonbury I think that's worst if only I could see through her eyes what was coming towards her do you know what I mean I mean they say there's three sides to every story there's yours there's theirs and then there's the truth and I'd say Margaret is off saying

That nut job tried to rugby tackle me at Annie Mack in Arcadia. When I'm saying Deirdre, it was obviously not Deirdre Kane because she's a complete legend and we love the balance of her. We just aren't. There's no point. We don't use real names because like...

Would you? If anyone asks me, I'll tell you in real life. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. Particularly after a couple of drinks. You'd want to hear. I'll give you Joanne's number as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add them to the WhatsApp group. Any girl who catches me after a show. She catches me out the back having a cigarette after a show and I'll tell them anything. Anything. Anything at all. Yeah. Two drinks. I'm anyone's. Perfect.

This is only the bonus. I know we don't have time, but on the main, we need to get to the bottom of... Conor McGregor's dick pics to Azealia Banks the couple that you sent me who were cheating of course cheating on the jumbo monitor at Coldplay I would also like to discuss Jojo Siwa and her fucking pivot into trad wifery With that mental cover of Betty Davis' eyes, I've never heard anything like it. And I'm convinced now she is just here for the rage bout. About three times a week.

I'll clear your throat. Like three times a week, Joanne sends just Jojo Siwa into the group. And we haven't done it yet. She's a marketing genius is what she is. And it needs to be discussed. I've never been so insulted by a dick pic in my life, by the way. Honestly, that was... He is the last dick I would like to see on Earth. Of all the dicks in the whole of the Earth.

We'll talk about that on the moment. Hard hitting pod. Hard hitting news. That's all we deal with folk as well, you know. We're the news agents. I'm actually surprised we haven't been asked to cover them. Tell Emily Maitlis to watch her back. Joanne's coming for her. Does Emily know much about JoJo Siwa? Have they covered that on the news items?

I think John Sopple does that kind of stuff. He does more of the, like, the Georgia Sea Wob vibes. Yeah. Emily would cover Conor, I'd say, though. Yeah. And the dick pics. I wouldn't mind doing a little celebrity section after they kind of, you know, dig through the Middle East. Then I could just pop in. in with a little a lightener ticker tape about Jojo Siwa it's all lies I also don't think she's actually going out with that quite Christopher Watts' face either

I think it's all a setup. I think it's all a PR stunt. I think it's all nonsense. Do you know what though? There is so much, I have to say, there is so much nonsense in... The industry that we're in, we are just on the sides of it. Like, that's probably why all the famous people are ignoring us.

Oh, we're scum. Yeah, of course. We know that. But we're on the sides of it. But I hear of all the bullshit. And I know when certain things come out about people in the press, there are other people that could be behind it pushing it because they're trying to find something of their own. Yes. Yes. Folk, it wouldn't kill you to sell a story about me now. Wouldn't kill you.

Have a tour coming up. You love a bit of cash. You're well connected. It wouldn't kill you to sell a story. You don't know the pictures I found from you of Glastonbury. Good. Yeah. Come on. Whatever those photos are. Curly, I'd encourage you, in fact, I'd beg you to sell them and they will use the money and go to Sushi Samba.

Well, I'd love to go back to Sushi Sam. We'll order as many cocktails as we want. Ring up the Daily Mail. You know those naked, the naked pictures you sent for approval? They're going out. The photo of me trying to take in the vitamin D through my anus. What is the thing that the wellness celebrities do? Ass glaring or something. Ass gazing. There is. It's a real thing. They tried to make me and Joanne do that on a show together. They did.

assholes up to the sun and then we both said we wouldn't do it and then I said I'd pretend to do it because as you know you can pay me to do anything I was like Vogue No, you're not doing it. I said, stop offering her more money. She's not doing it, pho. Get up. 17 euro 50, done. She wouldn't even spank me. Remember, you wouldn't even spank me properly. No, I didn't like Spanky. No. I just didn't. They were trying to get us a ride, ultimately, weren't they?

It started off with like pawn away themselves in a room. We're like, no, like, no. Who does that? That's why it didn't get made. They're like, these two frigid Irish bitches aren't going to do anything we want them to do. I've had loads of people, loads of friends of mine have had sex in the same room as me when I'm there.

Like I'm probably, I've only been awake for one of them. Awake with my earplugs and I'm asked on waiting for it to finish. You're a soundproof sleeper. I know, you're like, you know, you're like the rhythm's quickening. You're like, come on, lads, come on. That's what I mean. Moving along. I've got to go to the toilet. I'll throw in some dirty chat myself just to keep it going. Hello, Joanne, Vogue and Jo. I've been a long time. Oh.

Did you have that on yourself, Joe? No, I didn't. Thank you. Shut up, you. You've been campaigning for Joe to have a camera. I did think we should mic him because it is annoying when he's kind of muffling away off mic. You should, Mike. And if you're getting a camera, you have to get a light. Come on.

I've been a long-time listener of the pod and have had this story saved up for a while, but this week I booked to see Joanne in Dubai again. Brilliant, thank you. So I thought it's time to share some valuable travel information for her upcoming trip. Okay. Oh my God. Oh God. Here's one. Oh God. I'd say you've left a decent scattering of these in Dubai already. You may or may not know that sex toys are illegal in Dubai. I did not know that.

Probably best to do now, isn't it? What are you going to do with your hands? You can't bring those hands in with you. Ring the airline. Yeah, I don't need the 60 kgs anymore. Carry on. Yeah, carry on will be fine. Thank you. And I've...

I've heard one too many stories of women having to reveal their toys at the airport to Arab men in police uniforms to ever consider bringing one here myself. However, this story took place when I was pregnant with my third child and like Vogue, I get an insatiable horn. horn when impregnated. Vogue. Everyone fancies me. Williams.

Oh, I'm on fuego. Because my husband works away a lot, I had no choice but to take my chances and attempt to procure some electronic assistance. Of course. Luckily, the Amazon sellers here have creatively named such items here so they can be sold to them. masses and delivered next day, including calling them lactation massagers. And despite them being intimately shaped and bright pink in colour, they seem to be getting away with it. There you go. So...

It goes on, don't worry. So I was super happy when I ordered my lactation massager on time. Very clever. And when I got the delivery notification, I thought nothing of it and resolved to have an evening with myself when I got home from work. That was until a few hours later when I checked the notification to see that the delivery driver had left the box on my doorstep.

And to my horror, it was in the original box with another packaging. The one time Amazon, don't over package something. Oh my God. In full view of my very conservative neighborhood. No. is my not so discreetly disguised lactation massager complete with seven vibration modes and varying speeds for maximum milk production of course. Oh no. Oh dear God. Cue me frantically trying to explain that I was planning to breastfeed and wanted to stimulate my milk at four months pregnant. Oh no.

Oh, no. But the nipples are kind of like clits. So this all makes sense to me. That's it. Like, to be honest, especially she's, I'm surprised she wasn't dragged out of the place and locked up. I would know that I'd even be embarrassed having that come through the door. Even in London. Do you know what I mean? Because women, we're taught to be ashamed of our own pleasure. Well, do you know what I realised? Do you know the way we're trying to sell our apartment? And we had viewers over.

And like just people coming into their house. Spenny's dressing room. I never really go in there. There's nothing I want in there. So I'm not usually in there. And I went in after, let's say we've done like seven or eight viewings. On the ground. Spenny did his job. His lactation issue.

would love honey this job would love honey and they were like they gave all this stuff for me but remember I was meant to give you one of it was like a selection box of dildos and then maybe about 12 other dildos all stacked on the floor in his dressing room. They must be like, these?

Does he know what they are? Weirdos. No, I gave away. Now, you're taking too long to pick them up. I gave away the selection box. No, don't you dare, folks. Selection box is gone. There's about six devices there for you and you can leave them wherever you like at your own.

Thank you. Thank you. Because I'm sick and tired of using my toothbrush. But this is good now. I'm glad you told me that about Dubai. Although I don't know when I get the chance to even go near myself over there. It's going to be a very tightly scheduled day. But thank you for the tip.

It's going to be a tough day. If I don't turn up for the second show, no, I have been arrested for having a go at myself in the green room. It's a bit odd that that would be one of the things that they have over there, but there's so many people moving over there. I'm like... I heard that like yeah I know but I heard that like other stuff is on the rise in Dubai so I'm surprised they even give a shit about it once you get in there

It's everything is everywhere. It's the same as it is in all countries. It's just underground. You have to find it. Do you know what I mean? There's probably like fucking sex shops and all sorts. In fact, I'll Google it. I'll go into one. You might find yourself a sex dungeon somewhere. Perfect. It'll be my version of Joanne McNally undercover, like when Phil Mitchell did it. Do you remember? Oh, no, that's Grant Mitchell.

No? Yes, that's Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp! That's Grant, yeah. Yeah, like the way Ross Kemp went into Afghanistan. I'll be in wearing super cameras. Very similar. Yeah, going in and buying vibrators in Dubai.

Do you know, I had Adam Kay on Never Live It Down this week, who is absolutely brilliant. And he used to work as a doctor and he was telling me that like people would obviously come in with things stuck up there. of course and he said once someone came in and they had all these burns up in their rectum like all these little dots they'd put Christmas tree lights up there and turn them on

I swear. And then he told me that one guy came in and he was like, and sometimes he was like, because they always had an excuse. So sometimes he said that he would believe them. And this guy came in and said that like he was naked after a shower and he sat on the remote on the couch and it went. up and then when they took it out it had a condom on it oh my god

Do you know what's gas? I guarantee if he's straight, I guarantee trying to get a condom on him in a casual one night stand situation is hell. But yet he'll wear one on a remote control riding himself. Men are gas. Do you know what I mean? The amount of enticing that has to go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Because it's his own safety then. It's his own sexual health. Trying to get a condom on a man. It's like trying to get a snake out of a basket. Like whistling them away. Come on, come on.

shimmy into that there. People are obsessed with sticking stuff in this. This is my biggest fear is that that comes from boredom of living alone. That's my biggest fear. That's some night. I'll have to ring in sick to the podcast because I'm an A&E. Because there's a box of cereal up my arse or something because I just got bored one night.

Now, I think some people are just ingrained in them. He said one of the most damage that was ever caused was someone came in with a toilet brush up their arse the wrong way up to try and get that. Oh, God. Oh, dear God. And on that note. You know what? That's because the G-spot's up the ass. Isn't that what that is, Jo? He had a toilet brush. He must have started with a toothbrush and then thought it's not enough. Something happened.

Thank you for the travel tips. Thank you. Yeah, that's very fascinating. Joanne, we look forward to the documentary and I can put you in touch with the embassy in Dubai if you'd like. They would love to be a part of that. I'll be tunnelling into sex shops dressed in full combat gear with like a hard hot and all. We can post your bail when you get arrested. That'd be good crack now, wouldn't it? That'd be good content for the pod. Yeah, do something for the pod for us. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll have to now because you refuse to sell stories. So I'll have to do something big.