MTGM EXTRA! "The Priest shushed me!"

This is a Global Player original podcast.

Hello and welcome everyone to the bonus episode of my therapist ghosted me with Mevo Williams and Joanne McNally. When the podcast comes back in a couple of weeks' time, everybody that listens to it will also be able to watch it, full episodes, on YouTube. What about that? What?

No one tell me that. Don't. We told you last week. No, you didn't. That's why it's important that your microphone's the right way up because it's really going to upset people. I'm going live on the internet. Yeah, you are, mate. Yeah? For whack.

I assume we have a full glam squad team. Oh, you wait until they turn up, mate. That will last one record for us, Joanne, and then we'll be like, no, it can't be ours. Yeah, I'm like, this means I have to stay on top of my roots and my nails. I don't know about this.

I don't know about this. Ever since I went break, Keeping Up With The Roots is a full-time gig. And I'm exhausted already. Just start... podding in the dark again that really works that time that you did it so I just reckon just pod in the dark so if we're in studio can we just light one side of the studio and keep me in behind some sort of cloth curtain situation we've done the witness protection thing before

It's been done. We're not doing it again. I'd like my eyes pixelated out, Jo. I'm entitled to my privacy as well. Joanne's after picking up one of Nigella Lawson's swimsuits, so she's just going to start wearing that in the record. How would she have that kind of... I don't know what the official term is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole neck down. Cover everything. Well, I'm more... No, I'll get one of the kneecaps balaclavas, mate. That's what I'll get. A diamante balaclava.

I booked tickets to go and see, now that we're continuing with Culture Corner, Pocket, whatever we said, I booked tickets to go and see Fran Leibowitz. I'm a fan of hers. Firstly, she's chain smokes, which I always think is kind of iconic in people because, I mean, it is basically stuff.

Smoking destruction. Smoking destruction. Smoking destruction. Smoking destruction. Yeah, it's kind of, yeah, it's just something, I'm healthy, I still think on older people, it's kind of cool. But yeah, smoking's very dreadful and don't do it. Joe, we're not, we're not a child, we're not, this isn't Peppa Pig.

hey you don't know who's listening they might be influenced by what you say imagine that that is true I know that some mothers do have a son in the background and some kids are generally like absorbing shit they shouldn't Start on marble gold because they're lighter than something light. Don't hit the Benson and Hedges first. Don't make my mistake and hit the Benson and Hedges first. Too soon. It's just not worth it. And stay away from the Johnny Blue on the car.

Harrells they'll really fuck you if you want a long smoking life start slow and you can't buy 10 packs anymore whereas in our day that's what we lived on 10 packs there was a time you could buy individual cigarettes You go in and go one, you buy one fag. Really? I don't know about that. Yeah, you buy one fag and a Mr. Freeze. Yeah, a corner shop. Yeah. Really? But I think it was the corner shop guy deciding to sell individual fags to kids. Ah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

he's like this kid they can't handle a hell pack but I've still got to pay my bills so I'll sell them individual fags and flumps

Leibowitz, please. Annie Leibowitz, who was a big fan of holding grudges, which I also think is quite admirable in this day and age when we're, you know, it's not the dumb thing to admit that you hold a grudge, but I read an article recently. The longer you held a grudge, the more mentally ill you are. There was like, there's a direct correlation between the longer you held a grudge, the more mentally unwell you are. And I was like, well, well, well, that's a sobering read.

We should probably check ourselves somewhere immediately. We should be sectioned. All three of us. I'll tell you what I think about that. I think that's a load of horse shit. I think if you hold a grudge, I think that it shows real grit and determination. You're dead right. You're really delving deep and the longer the grudge, the better. And I just think, what a fantastic person. It's one of the things I like most about you.

It's commitment. It's commitment. That's why men don't do it as well because they struggle with commitment, Jo. That's why you don't hold grudges well because you're a whore. Ultimately, that's why we are loyal to our grudges. Yeah. Yeah. Peter, you're a whore. What's that movie? What's that movie? I love you, man. Peter, you're a whore. It sounds kind of Will Farrelly vibes. It's Will Farrelly. It's your man, the guy, he actually has a massive penis. What's his name?

He flashed it. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. God, what's his name? Oh. Kind of hot guy. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Hold on. And he's been in all the best movies. Not the main. Jason Segal. Jason Segal. Yeah. Oh, I could not. Seagull. Seagull. Seagull. You couldn't picture him. I love him. I couldn't pick him out of a line up now. He's pretty hot. I think he's pretty hot, but I think everyone who's tall is hot. Anyone who's tall, sorry. He's very tall.

You are a walking wide arm. We need to get you spayed. I'm not. I just, I just, I just, I think that it's nice when people are good looking. Well, yes. I appreciate them. Do you know where they watch a lot of true crime? This is a terrible thing to admit. My boyfriend pulling up in his Harley. Did you hear that?

Can't stay on long, guys. I'm going to promise. Oh, you are like, what was that dog we said you looked like? Afghan hound. Thank you so much. You're like an Afghan hound on heat. That's what you're like. I don't want to do anything. Go look at him. No, you're going to agree with me.

I'm going to take you to the vet and get you fixed. Oh dear, I think your boyfriend had an accident. Uh-oh, he's after coming off the bike, guys. I've got to go. I've got to go and resuscitate him, guys. I've got to go. Run it onto the street with my defibrillator. Not again, Darren. Don't bother. This is your way out. Leave him to it. Yeah, it's like I wasn't into the commitment anyway. I'll just let him bleed out in the street. Jason Segel. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly.

who I thought you were talking about and I say this out of love for Jason because I now that I see his face I realise I am a fan yeah he kind of he's quite sexy there yeah he's looking well but he does play kind of sorry I'll turn that window It's all about him. Such a nurse. That really helped. It's actually gotten worse. I'll ring him later. Make sure his organ scouts will go down.

Jason Segel, he does, he plays kind of silly characters. He kind of plays a bit dumb, no? He does, yeah. A bit like... A bit like a teenage girl hanging around with a teenage boy and you're like, I don't know. Yeah, he's not, you know. There's some actors who are so famous but you'd never know their names. It must be really frustrating for them.

Well, we kind of did know his name. But he hasn't really... Well, maybe he's done loads of stuff and I just haven't noticed. But he was really in that era of I love you, Sarah Marshall. I love you, man. And you know, your man who's in everything. What's his name? God, again, I forgot his name. He's in everything. He's in everything. I didn't know you were such a big Jason Segel fan, Vogue. Why just go and ride him? You're obsessed with him. Okay, maybe I will. Also, I have to go.

The listeners should know that today is, this episode is finally Vogue's dream come true. It is our break. Vogue has been... Pawn herself with anticipation about the fact she's not going to see myself and Jo for two weeks. And I've been bringing it up on the podcast every week for the last month about the fact that we're almost on a break and how thrilled she is and how everyone needs a break from each other. And me and Jo just sit there clueless like watching. I need a break from life.

I'm going to, I need to, like, I am counting down the days until I'm going away on holidays because it's feeling pretty full on at the moment. I'm like, oh. So that's what I mean. But you guys are like one of my favorite joys of the week, podcasting. where I can sit in my gaff. I just came in from the kitchen after having a salmon bowl and then I came in here and look at you. You two are just sitting there. My friends are here. Whereas tomorrow I have to travel to Cornwall.

Yeah and do actual work outside of the home I know I couldn't leave my house all day today for reasons I will explain now, but I was due to train with Olivia and I was like, you're going to have to come to the flat and we need to do some squats in the hall and then I got her to move some of the furniture around because my God, that woman is jacked. you know I got this big Italian coffee table thing delivered for this interior show I'm doing

And the two lads who delivered it in were, when I say sweating, when they were coming up the stairs, like it's bigger than I thought it was going to be, the usual. And they're like, you'll never, they're like, God.

Good luck anyone moving that again. And I said to Olivia, Olivia came in and I was like, would you mind? I said, you're never going to move. And I turned around. She didn't even need my help. And she had it pushed into the corner on her fucking baby finger. Yeah, she moved it with her toe.

Fair play. She is wall-to-wall muscle. It is insane. The reason I had to stay in all day was because I'm due to go to Glastonbury tomorrow morning at 11am. My ticket was due to arrive yesterday at 9am. My ticket. There is no ticket. That's just not going to really work. It's not going to really work. And I was originally, I was like...

I said to Ross, my friend who kind of sorted it, I said, I said, Ross, I'm not worried. I'm not worried. He goes, well, you do kind of need one to get in. Yeah. You can't. So hang on a second. It was meant to be delivered yesterday morning at 9. but it's delivered in an envelope did they not they obviously didn't do registered post nothing like that nothing registered post I think I think this is I think I've been smacked I think this is I think I've been scammed

No, you couldn't. No, because if it was one of Ross's friends, it couldn't be because where's his ticket? He's not one of Ross's friends. He's a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of an uncle's friend's cousin's wife's marriage's husband. How much did you have to pay for that? It was expensive. It's spicy. It's spenny, as the Brits would say. Yeah. So I'm, you know, I'm a good chunk of cash down. And... Do you know what I said, Joanne?

You know, you're just, you know, you're, you've got your health. You've got your health. That's all you need. If you looked on the bright side of things, you would say to yourself, your favourite thing about Glastonbury would be to sit in your apartment and watch Glastonbury and just have a few drinks on your own and go to your own bed. You greatly underestimate. to make my appetite for adventure. Sorry, I'm sorry. I've just been living on a barge on my own.

Okay. How many restaurants did you visit in Amsterdam? Did you just go to the same one like South Africa where you only had one restaurant where you went for your lunch and dinner? Sorry, what is wrong with connecting, having a rapport with the waitress?

There's nothing wrong with a bit of rapport, folk. I have no children, okay? I have no husband. If I get any sense of connection during the day from anyone, I will return to that spot day after day after day. Just the one then. Do you know where I left my house? one day and she's like I'm going for breakfast at my favourite spot and I walked and I walked

higher and I was like, this is where you've been coming. You didn't even stop. You just sped past on your scooter and laughed in my face and kept going. I think even Theodore laughed at me. I was sitting outside the greasy spoon in Battersea. I love it.

Great scrambled egg. And I know what I'm getting. They just throw a few spinaches on top. It's not even cooked spinach. It's a couple of like tree spinach leaves. Raw spinaches on the top. Yeah. And yeah. And I have a great rapport with the waitress. We've got a vibe. So I, you know, and also she's not over the top with me. Like we're not, like it's clear we're connected in a way, but she doesn't, we don't have to admit it. Do you know what I mean? We just kind of privately know. Anyway.

The point is, I'm after giving a chunk of cash for Strange on the internet again, and I have nothing to show for it once more. This episode's out next Wednesday, so by now we'll know whether you went or not. We'll know. Yeah, yeah. exciting isn't it we're looking into the future almost how exciting I'm going to say you will you'll figure it away you'll figure it away well yeah I'm not I'm yeah hopefully hopefully I mean I do you know I've made some arrangements down there

I have, you know. Yeah, I've made arrangements. I've got meetings and, you know, I'm meeting friends and... I will be horrified. Charlie XCX. If you don't go to Glastonbury, my week's ruined. Like, if you don't find that stupid ticket, my week is ruined. It's ruined. Well, your man is, he's kind of like, oh yeah, it's on the way and all. And I was like, is it? Dude, I'm leaving. tomorrow. It's not on the way. Am I packing my Silver Space jumpsuit or not?

Like, what's happening? Am I shaving my legs or not? I don't want to start grooming. Like, here's me sitting with my acid house bucket hat like a loser. And also, the money that I spent on the ticket, I mean, the amount of money I spent... under the influence in Amsterdam on those ridiculous outfits that I couldn't return because apparently punk rave shops don't open at 9am on a Monday. So I'd no way of returning them. Now I just own them all. Ha ha.

I mean, you kind of look like, have you ever seen the music video Starlight? That's what you look like in one of those things. Do you know what? Go down to Covent Garden for the weekend and stand on a box. It's Barry M. Be playing the sound bells down in Covent Garden. It's very middle-aged woman.

drinks bottle of white wine and goes to music festival that's very much that's very much it's very coded in that way but that's the truth so you know you gotta lean into your true authentic self but yeah so I'm crossing my fingers and toes for this um ticket but I do I think my my

heart of hearts I know I am the victim of an online scam. Do you think you're going to go? No, not having a ticket, but it's kind of going to put a dampener on things. No, having a ticket is probably not great. And like, if that includes your teepee.

I mean, I know. Ross is like, come anyway. And I was like, Ross, I'm not going to go down and scale the wall. I'm 42. And I'm wearing full fluorescent. I'd never get away with it. What I should have done if I'd known there was an issue with the ticket, I would have gone down and buried myself. on the land, before they built the set, and then just tunneled up into hospitality, into the artist area, like Wednesday, 5pm.

Go down in your space suit and your hat and just walk by security and be like, I lost my ticket and they'll feel sorry for you and they'll let you in. They'll be like, she's made the most effort out of anyone we have to let her in. No, they'll be like, Jesus, Jamiroquai looks mental. I'll just flash a lanyard. Joanne's taking this absolute winter suit to 30 degree heat in the middle of Somerset. Good luck, my friend.

They'll be like, Joanne, that's the lanyard for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Get the fuck out of the queue. What? What are you talking about? I'm performing.

Hey girls, I'm Jo. Had to input about cloning because the thought of Joanne cloning her mother is hilarious. When you're cloning something, which they don't ethically do really, you actually start the process from an embryo, which needs... Hold on a second. if they don't do it where the fuck did Dolly the sheep come from? Well I think that ethically they can't just start cloning loads of people. Oh I see what you mean. Sorry. Yeah yeah fine.

I mean, I just, I personally think we should, yeah, but I think we should clown the good ones. Like I get that we don't want to clown everyone. We're not asking to clown everyone. We certainly don't want to clown everyone, but like the good ones we should. Are we going back to Jason Segel again? Are we going to clown Jason Segel? No deal.

I don't know if he's clownable, to be honest with you. I mean, there has to be the really, there has to be the really high enders. Like, is he getting to be clowned? He's the size of three kids in a raincoat. He looks like, do you know when three kids used to stack themselves up on a raincoat and one little head would pop out the top?

Okay, you actually start the process from an embryo which needs to be implanted into a uterus. So Joanne coning past would mean birthing her and raising her. You have to do that, yeah. I think you could do that. You would birth Pat. No, no, no, no. Oh, I'd birth her, but she'd be on her own then. She'd be sent to live with me. Go on, baby, Pat. Yeah. You're here now. Come back to me when you're older than me again. You can be my mother again. I'm not engaging with you as a child.

Speaking of ethics, like, you know, the way some people in America, you can go and choose the gender of your baby and you can't, you can't actually do it over here. But I know somebody who had three boys and really wanted a girl. and went and did it in American and got a girl. Oh, listen, you know that I have a secret plan for myself that is the opposite of secret because I tell everyone about it all the time and I've talked about it on the podcast very much.

I have a loose relationship with secrets but my plan would be to go to the States and get a little it's 40 grand get a girl in a tube get a little baby girl in a tube 40 grand though. 40 grand. I'll sell Pats of Organs. If I decide not to sell Pats. Sell half your Adidas collection. Yeah, yeah. I'll make it work. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'll forfeit the house. I'd love a little baby girl. And then you know you're getting a little baby girl, you know? Yeah, I know, I know. I just...

Every child's a blessing. But yeah, I remember when we were told, first of all, that Gigi was a boy, we were like... And then we found out from the test it was actually a girl and you've never seen someone. So excited. She is all girl. She is the most girly girl girl. Jo, look at you. The absolute audacity you birthed in two girls. You did nothing. One of them on International Women's Day as well. Oh, don't worry. Yeah, look at you there. Well done. All right, feminina. Yeah.

I am the best thing to happen to feminism. You don't deserve to, girls. You did nothing. You did nothing, Jane. You're absolutely right. No, you're right. You did nothing. I'm off to try and cook one up in a lab in America. You did nothing. put no effort in at all it just happened to you totally totally correct do you know you can try and get a girl now this is one of those old wives tell if you if you

If you don't have sex till like the last day of your cycle because then it lives inside you for five days and that's the one that comes out late. Yeah, and if you rub a toad over your clitoris. I've heard them. I've heard it all. No, it's when you get a toad to lick it. To lick it. That's what it was. Yeah, yeah. Your husband comes home and you're like, what, honey? I'm just trying to guarantee you, girl.

And I couldn't find a frog so the neighbour had to do. I'm sorry. Okay, do we have time for one more email? Was that the end of that cloning thing? Yeah, that was it. Yeah, that was it.

to raise Pat as your own. Let's have one more. It's the last day of school. It's the last day. Just an image of baby Pat with her grey hair and all. Cute little baby Pat. And her glasses. Okay. Hey, girls and Joe. Speaking of receiving the Holy Bread, my youngest daughter, who was about five and a real little Holy Joe at the time, insisted that we go to Christmas Eve mass because all her pals from junior infants class were going. Yeah. Yeah.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve, the church was jammers and it was time to go get the bread. I always choose to sit it out. It's not for me, but my mum playing. I mean, to be honest with you, if I'm found in a church, if you have to go to a church, that's something to do.

I'd always take it. It's something to do. It breaks up the time. Gets your steps in. Do you know what I mean? If it's a big church, yeah. Yeah, you got a couple of steps into a couple of laps. Yeah. And I'm always trying to choose, you know.

I get real picky. I'm like, if I'm doing it, I'm getting the priest. I'm not having that bleb. She's not a priest. She's just part of the congregation. I don't want her. The sacrosanct. I will say, I will hold my hands up and say, even though I don't believe in... anything. I do enjoy a Christmas mass. The songs are nice. There is, and you know I'm all about the sense of community and camaraderie and there is something lovely about the carols and all.

There really is. I always find myself engaged on Christmas. I never have the time. Never have the time for the baby. Okay. I always used to sit it out, but my mom playing into the whole Holy Joe thing for my daughter went up to get the bread, not realizing. They'd run out of bread because it was so packed. Oh, no. She stuck her tongue out and the priest blasted her tongue with his bare... Tom. My mom.

was gagging and screams of me laughing roared throughout the church so much that the priest shushed me it was the very last time my mom stuck out her tongue for the only red I always What a pro, that priest. The improv of that, I love it. What a pro. Gusting. Having someone touch my tongue with their dirty fingers. No. But the arrogance of that, he's like, if it's not the body of Christ, I'm the next best thing. Bless you, child. Yeah, he's like, I'm practically.

I'm an apostle. Yeah. The tongue out. I can't believe people still do it. That's a game we do. We're like, the game we do, we're like, stick your tongue out, stick your tongue out, stick your tongue out. Someone stick their tongue out. No one sticks their tongue out. Now we know why we shouldn't.

Oh, sorry, forget the disco biscuits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're in mass, you're like, go on, I dare you to stick your tongue out. That's gas. You see, I'd be thrilled with that now because like I say, I'm all about the human connection. Yeah. A priest thumb down the throat. I'd be like, Wow, wow, wow. Father. Excuse me. Say no more. I'll meet you in the hearse. Do I just wait behind a confession? Where do the chosen gals go? Do you need help?

with your grandfather that's it folk you made it are you absolutely thrilled You're on a break from me and Joané for two weeks. Don't call me. Don't text me. Not at all. What are you talking about? I'm going to be on to you tomorrow. I can't wait to find out what happens with Glastonbury. I'm sure we'll be at the splash park if it all falls through. I'll see you on Sunday. Oh, for God's sake.

I'm going to be in your neck of the wind spots on Sunday. Come and see me Sunday. In my bejeweled cape in the splash park. We can't wear that suit. She'll get us thrown out. Uh-oh. Has she got a camera out? There'll be like very suspicious adult behavior over there. It's my crack pipe. I hope you go. I really hope I go. Yeah, I really do. Return to the 18th of July in full video on YouTube. Whoa! Okay. On YouTube, folk.

Wow. On the YouTube. That's not great. My kids look at YouTube. They can't see that, can you? Is it over 18? We're like Joe Rogan. Yeah, exactly. Are we? We're like, we're just like Jeff. Any conspiracies, Joanne? Well, listen. Joe edits them all out. I'm always banging it. And then the rare time I listen back, I'm like, oh, okay. Editorial decisions were made behind my back. I see.

She swore she won't wear her MAGA hat when we start YouTube. I'd just like to see some proof that Australia exists. That's all I'm asking for. Some geographical proof. No one can show it. Thank you.