MRI, Plane Fear & Divorce Settlements

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to my therapist, Ghost of Me, with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. And in for Joe today is Imagina! I am hemorrhaging cash at the moment. Why? Just a lot of bills. I've suddenly got a lot of overheads that I never had before, which is all part of being adult and all. But yeah, I resent them all, to be honest.

I can't stand bills. Honestly, there's nothing that bothers me more. And I'm like, what the? And then there's the other bills that you're like, well, I did that. That was my fault now. What do you mean? Well, when I sometimes... I bought a lot of clothes recently for the kids. Now, they needed them. They were running low on stuff. I had to go buy school shoes. But when you add it all up, it's like...

Christ alive, you three are expensive. If I had kids, I wouldn't send them to school. Well, I'll tell you what, I rang Ferry and I said, get them working again. I'm after spending an absolute fortune. because you know what I posted a school picture of the kids where they went back to school this year and Theodore didn't get new school shoes because his were fine and they fitted them

And I got so many comments of people being like, God, she could have gotten him a new pair of school shoes. And then like males off people. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Sorry, you're not Sheen or whatever that website is. We're allowed to re-wear things. This isn't fast fashion. It's school.

shoes i know so now he's got a new pair because he's actually run out his is not run out his feet are getting much bigger but i'm like oh my god like they don't have to be literally dressed to perfection all time think about how we went around as kids i used to go around the block of my knickers. I didn't even have clothes. There's a really funny meme going around where it's like how my father suggests he went to school and it's like a shoeless naked man climbing a snowy mountain.

to get to his destination. But there were, I mean, I think it was Angela's, actually, they had a bit of tyre, like, stuck to the cell. We had, firstly, I was going to say, I would homeskill my kids to save money. Okay. Okay. Please, if anyone is not going to be willing You can have half an education Don't expect to read or write No, you won't need to read or write You're going to go into show business

Don't need that at all. Spencer does that with his childhood, by the way. He's like, oh, I never got gifts. I only got gifts at Christmas on my birthday. I'm like, oh yeah. You only, were you sleeping in a drawer as well? Like he is so, I'm like, you were the most. And he's like, no, it's not true. And I'm like, and I ask his mom and his mom's like, no, he did get other presents. But then his mom also says that he never cried as a baby, which I absolutely refuse to believe. Of course he cried.

Maybe that's what's wrong with them. Maybe, maybe. There's definitely something that's not right. Well, I'm going to homeschool my kids. It's going to be tap dancing. No, school won't start till one in the day. Okay, yeah. How does this day run? Mummy works nights.

Mummy needs to sleep and mummy needs to wake up in the morning and then nap immediately. Well, I did see a family of a woman and her kids don't go to bed till 3am because they do homeschool and they just have different hours to other people. Yes, instinct. So that's going to...

Okay, okay. I'm going to have, I'll be like, there's tap, then we start the day with some tap dancing. Now, you know that the homeschooling means you're just adding additional work to yourself. You're not actually like, I'm not doing this. Oh, okay. I'll just be taking the tap dancing class with them. I'll have someone come in and school them. I'll be very competitive with them as well.

You're trying to reduce the school bills, yet you're paying people to come in and do it. No, I'm not going to pay them. I'm going to get Pat to do it. You're not going to find a flaw in this system. Mum's going to do it. Okay, okay, cool. Okay. I'm going to stick her in the box room.

You'll have to get rid of the Pilates bed. No, she'll sleep in the Pilates bed. Finally get some use out of it. There'll be some tap dancing and then we'll break for lunch immediately and then there'll be drinks. Okay. At the baby bar. Yeah. And then in the evening, we'll do some storytelling and that's just me performing. Yeah, you can perform and you can just talk about yourself for a couple of hours. That'd be nice. I got my results back from that MRI.

So... obviously there's not that much wrong with me but she was like there's certain parts of your brain and she was like we're seeing a lot of this now where there's like additional there's like centre points and it's like loads of flashing so like there's loads of hives of activity around there and I was like oh

Thank you. And she's like, oh no, it's like something to look out for. And I was like, sorry. She was like, because if people have that, like in later years, it could like turn into like dementia or something. And I was like, pardon?

And she was like, do you have high blood pressure? I was like, no. She's like, do you not sleep well? I was like, yes, I sleep very well. And she's like, do you have high cholesterol? No, I don't have any of those things. And she's like, oh, well, just watch out for it. I'm like, oh, great. So I'm doing everything that I should do. Oh, my God.

I don't have it. God, she's really concerned. She's just fucking onto the phone straight away. My poor friend Vogue might remember me. Sorry, I'm just in the middle of a record. Don't worry, Joan. It's okay. Yeah. I'm just in the middle of a record. What can I do for you? Deeply upsetting news. Yes, it was deeply upsetting. Very confusing and worrying time for me. Sorry about that, guys. I had to take that call.

Don't worry, it was just a deep personal moment for me, but that's okay. I'm all right. Okay, I'm okay with my results. Go on, so your brain's gone mad. I think it just happens with loads of people. I think that they just tell you. The whole point of a scan like that is to tell you how to be healthier. Do you know what? Nothing on my lungs. And I was like, God, I used to smoke like a trooper when I was 17.

Nothing there though. They really do regenerate. I'd love to get one of those. Basically they crack the lid on you and do a bit of rustling around and see what's going on. Yeah, but yeah, you probably wouldn't mind being in the MRI. You can get one. They're actually, it's an interesting thing to look at. But yeah, so I think I'm all right. Here, I wanted to tell you, I was, I flew back to London last week. I was in Dublin for the week.

And I flew back to London for a day, not on my favourite airline. And I was delayed out there. And then I was two hours delayed on the way back. What's your favourite airline? Vogue Airlines. no it's the PJ it wasn't the PJ I am so it's the chopper I am so picky that like because I fly all the time I'm like I want to fly

Aer Lingus. They have loads of times. They go into where I want them to go. They're usually on time. I want to fly in Aer Lingus. I want to sit in row between row one to five and I want to be on the left. That's what I want. I can't. I can't. I've turned into Neil Wilson. This is my cross to bear. I just know what makes me really happy. If I'm going to fly all the time, that's what I would like.

Is that, is that, do you think that's like a weird thing? I sit in the exact same seat every time I fly, if I can. Okay, I thought I was being a bit of a diva. No, I sit in the last three rows, the last three rows, either side, at the window, every single time. At the very back? Yeah. What? Yeah. No, no, no.

No, I have to get the front. Because you're beautiful. Yeah, but a lot of the time they open the back doors. That's not like a weird thing. I think loads of people have little traditions when they fly. And sometimes I'll even pre-order a space gin to my table. So when I...

When I board, I get served straight away. I, yeah, I just think when you're doing something as much as we do with flying, like I could fly... twice in a day a lot and I just want to be as comfortable as I can be but anyway yeah but anyway this was a double day no wonder the ice caps are melting you fucking shopping yourself in and out of house twice a day

I wonder if you could chop her from here to Houth, could you? From London to Houth. Emma, would you Google that? Of course you can. I don't know, it just feels like it'd be a long way. I was doing a gig in the Isle of Man recently and...

Someone was telling me there's another comedian who does two shows a day in the Isle of Man and they get a chopper in and out because it's actually quite hard. Like the cost of the flights in and out of the Isle of Man are quite pricey because there's not many flights.

They do two gigs. The first one to pay for the chopper and the second one just like for themselves. But they get a chopper in and out. Isn't that great? Yeah, but I just... It's not rock and roll. I'd rather get the fucking boat and have the extra cash. I would... I would be terrified. There's one thing and I don't scare easily.

although I did see a woman oh my god I saw a woman fall over in the park yesterday and I nearly I realised I'm actually god love her she nearly knocked her tooth out I'm actually quite squeamish Yeah, well, I don't like seeing people hurt themselves. Are you going to say you don't want to go? I don't like helicopters at all. I don't, I actually think I'd be quite scared in a helicopter. I've watched, you know, these holes you go down and I've seen a lot of crashes.

There was a bride killed on her wedding day. She was getting the chopper to the wedding and she went down and it was all on camera. I know, I need to get out of my alcohol. It's usually... Like, I shouldn't be saying it's about the pilots, but it usually would be a pilot error of them flying when they shouldn't be flying, like when Kobe Bryant... Yeah!

Yeah, he told them not to fly and they kind of were insistent on them flying. And that's why that happens. Are you seeing if you can still fly to Ireland? Because I don't want to fly to Ireland. Can you fly to Ireland? You'd have to do a private charter, but yeah, you could do it.

A private charter helicopter? Well, I'm hardly going to film my own. I don't have one. I'm hardly going to go down the local bus stop and see what picks her up. I'm near the heliport. I'm just going to go down there. Can I have a lift? I'm not going to get the 56. I ain't going to wait for the chopper. Oh my God! What psychopath just rings off a random number without any forewarning? Like, who does that?

You remember I did that Bear Grylls show? We had to use these helicopters and we were basically thrown out of them then into this rotten water. And so we're on these helicopters. Two weeks later, a French TV crew... We're kind of doing the same kind of vibe show as him or something like that. Helicopters went down. The same ones went down. All dead. Yeah. Yeah.

I know. Oh my God, this is like Final Destination. Hold on, are they the same helicopters that you were using? Yeah, I saw Bear Grylls recently and I said it to him and he was like, yeah, that really did happen. Oh my God. I know, I know. You escaped the Grim Reaper. I always, do you know what always fascinates me? Because I watch a lot of Air Crash Investigation and sometimes I watch it while I'm flying because I feel like...

If I die, then it's too ironic for the universe to handle. So I'm basically protecting everyone on the plane by watching our first investigation. So you're welcome. But what I find fascinating is... When, and again, a lot of it's like mechanical error, engineering error, they just forgot to put a belt back on. Someone forgot to put a belt back on. But it might take 60 flights.

for that plane to actually crash or explode and kill everyone. But I think of all the people that were on that plane with that bolt. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting closer and closer or further away from death. I just, it's like the sliding doors of it all. It's like... Well, now when I fly on my own, I'm allowed... to have a little bit of like because i get i'm really frightened i'm actually quite frightened of flying um

which is stupid because I do it so much. But it's only because now I've convinced myself because I do it so much, there's more of a chance for me. But when I fly with Gigi and stuff, because the other, I flew there a little while ago and I had one of my meltdowns and then she started crying. I was like, oh Jesus. I have to now pretend that I'm having a great time. Yeah. I hate it. It's a very unfortunate fear to have. flying because it does it does ride off a lot of stuff for you like travel

Well, I don't, I don't, I'm not at that point where I let it, but I know a girl who will only, she only gets the boat everywhere. She can't fly. She won't get in a plane. And I think that like, I just like, I'd rather be on the plane and going somewhere I want to go then. Because I love the holidays. You know yourself sometimes.

I'll take the death to get to the Caribbean. Bonjour. The chance of a 60% chance of a do you know what we were playing the other day hang on because this is tied into this MO. What was it? There's a chance of you winning £20 million. There's a 1 in 100 chance, but there's also a 1 in 100 chance that you will get killed doing it. Are you going to take that chance to try and win the £20 million?

I think you know me well enough at this point to know that the second numbers start coming out of your mouth, I've completely zoned out. Okay. I don't engage with figures. It was like, there's a hundred grapes in front of you. Right. Now you're talking. But if you eat one of them, you could die. One of them is like going to kill you. Yeah. But one of them is going to give you billions of pounds. Would you eat the grapes? No. Emma would eat the grapes. She just doesn't care about her life. No.

I wouldn't do that, no. I was saying she watches the deer hunter at the weekend looking for fun games to play with her friends. It's quite a sinister party game, Emma. Russian roulette at the weekends for a moment. It's like one of those horror films where your friend takes you out to a log cabin and then kills you with grapes. I wouldn't risk my life for money. No, no, no way.

Not even billions. Now, in saying that, if I was absolutely impoverished and, you know, living in a tent on a canal, I might feel differently about it. But in the position I'm in, as in like, I have a roof over my head, I would not risk my life for it. I do love grapes though. Particularly the Marks and Spencer grapes when they're in season, you know, the big ones.

It'd be hard to turn down. Sometimes you're such an L one. Sometimes you just say something and it's like, I just forget. You're really 40 now, I can tell you. I know. It's terrible. Yeah. Sometimes you're a really hot sexy young girl and then you say stuff like that and you're like, she's an Elwynn. She's an Elwynn in her soul.

Oh, God. I was telling my story, my plane story, because I was two hours delayed on the way back, obviously furious. So I made a couple of friends. And one of them was called Elaine. Oh, God, she'll kill me now. My Australian friend. I'm sorry. She's from Sydney. Her parents live near where I used to live. Anyway. So her sister lives in New York.

Eleni's just gotten divorced after like something like 17 years of marriage. She's got two kids. She's literally six weeks divorced. She goes over to see her sister in New York and she's like, fuck men. I hate them all. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she meets a man. She meets a man six weeks after getting divorced. He was a heart surgeon and he lived in Atlanta. When she was waiting with me on that delayed flight.

She was going over to see the man. They have been dating for nearly three years and every six weeks they go to a country to meet each other. And sometimes she'll go to Atlanta or they might go on a two week holiday. And they were going over to Ireland to meet each other, to go on their date. And I was like, how amazing is that? That like, you got divorced, met someone six weeks later, cardiologist. I keep saying that because like, that's lucky. And pretty hot as well. Showed me a picture of him.

And I should go up to meet him again. Hold on. So they're dating long distance. Mm hmm. Yes. Which would be very suitable, I think, when you just want to have your own space as well. Very suitable. And also congratulations on finding love again. I mean, there's a banger rebound off it, but nothing wrong with that.

Two and a half years later, though, it's two and a half years they've been doing this. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, but she met him six weeks. Nothing wrong with the rebound. I mean, I've had many a successful rebound myself. I was reading an article recently. It was saying that the...

divorce rates when you share a bed with someone you're 50% more likely to divorce them and in Japan apparently it's very rare to share a bed with your partner they sleep separately now this is what I'm reading online I don't know if it's true but I was like that I could I could doesn't that make sense well last night right when Spencer can't sleep which is like not that often but like last night I was like the third I was like Sven

You've now woken me up three times. Like I've been asleep since quarter to ten. And he woke me up three times because he's kicking around huffing and puffing. No. And I was like, I haven't, we briefly spoke about it this morning, but he doesn't know that there's a bigger conversation coming up. Because, you know what I'm like, if someone...

I'm going to tell him if there's any inkling that he can't sleep when I'm in the bed beside him, that he can get the fuck downstairs and not make a sound. Because I then had to get up after a quarter to 12 last night and take a sleeping tablet. Because I couldn't, because by the time he'd woke me up the third time, my body was like, all right, we're getting up now. And like, I was like, this is not, this is not conducive. Very selfish. Very selfish. That's why I can understand why people.

Yeah, have separate beds and stuff. I do think that old idea, you know that idea of kind of the elderly couple in their twin beds in their room and they die holding hands. Sorry for that morbid today. I will say having... being on my own now for whatever it is, two years, and not having shared a bed, really, for any length of time since then, I don't know how I would do it again.

I remember the first time I lived with a boyfriend, I found it really difficult. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and going up to the spare room and all. I know the bed was small. We weren't that flush, but I, yeah, I'd find it very difficult now. I do like sleeping beside somebody. And like, I usually try, I like, I hook a foot around Spencer's foot, but when someone can't sleep and they're waking me up, that is like, not for me.

Helena Bowman Carter had a different house to her fella. She lived next door to her husband and they had a very successful marriage until they got divorced. Yeah. And Cameron Diaz and her fellow Benji, whatever his name is, have a spare room where they meet up to rendezvous and do their bits and bobs. I forgot about that. Yeah, but they must have loads of bedrooms. How many bedrooms is this? Well, three.

No, because I've got two kids. So two kids, their two rooms, five bedrooms. I think Cameron's got a couple of quid. Come here to me. Will I tell you about Halloween? We had a great time in Ireland. Tell me everything. Well, we went out.

Not everything. Highlights. So Auntie Naomi. Oh God, yeah. Last year, Auntie Naomi came up and Theodore wanted to be, I can't even remember what it was, this weird dinosaur thing that no one's ever heard of. A night feeder, a night feeder. And we couldn't do the makeup because we didn't actually know what a night feeder was. And so he's bawling crying.

blah blah blah this is last year furious with his outfit this year I've done really well I was like everyone's very happy with their outfits and then Naomi was going to come up my auntie who's an art teacher who's good at art supposedly, was coming up to help with the face paint. So she was late. So I started doing face paint. I did my own. I did tease. He looked excellent. He was absolutely thrilled.

I was thrilled because I thought I'd done such a good job. Then I did autos. Then Angie and Naomi came up and I said, you know what? You do Gigi's witch because she wants to look really good and you're obviously an artist. Okay. So I thought. Is she lying about her creds? I've never seen someone, you know, when someone's trying not to cry, she was just there and her lip just kept going and Naomi was like...

It doesn't take much to get her lip going now, from what I can tell. Seven times yesterday she was crying over nothing. I was like, Shishi, this is the seventh time now. You're crying about a pastry. And anyway, she starts crying. Auntie Naomi was like, what's wrong with her? I was like, nothing, nothing. Trying not to say what it was. And Gigi was like, it wasn't great.

Can I look? Can I see? No, because she covered her face with her hat. She wouldn't show it. So I couldn't get any pictures of it. But when I say she was inconsolable, we had to tell her that it was going to be dark outside. Nobody was going to see. or she just kept pulling her hat down over her face. What? Because I had no time to take it off and redo it because we were running late. How bad, like, if you can't pull off a Luke on Halloween, how bad was it?

Listen, bad enough that Auntie Naomi won't be invited back for her face painting skills. Harsh. And then Naomi was like, once Naomi found out she was crying over the face paint, she couldn't stop laughing. How should I... it was meant to be this lovely moment and like I'm walking out the door with everyone crying anyway then we went we did our trick or treat and I will never be able to get over the amount of treats that you get in Ireland it is completely insane and then we got home

And I ripped down all the Halloween decorations and I put the kids in their Christmas pajamas. When I say I am buzzing. It feels like it hasn't been Christmas in ages. I know. It's exactly the right time for it to be Christmas. It's like we've timed it so well. I'm really looking forward to this Christmas. I'm buzzing. I'm the same, Vogue. I'm going to go down to Dunn's, get the decorations. I'm going to go hardcore this year.

Well, I don't agree. I've seen a lot of people putting up their Christmas trees and I'm like, oh, hold on. We can't. That's a bit. Now, come on. It's the first of November. I know I put the Christmas PJs on, but I want to get the wear out of them. And I just feel like putting up the tree now. I'm feeling like I'm behind, but I don't want to get it up.

too soon before we move on from Halloween you know the way we enjoy like an inappropriate Halloween costume who doesn't yeah of course we've got I would say I've got a I don't know a dark sense of humour I don't know a sense of humour I just think it is yeah Whatever. I mean, you know, whatever colour your sense of humour is. The one I was like, this really takes the biscuit. Did you see the one? I actually posted it. The woman dressed as Shannon Matthew's mother. Do you remember?

with fine Sian and the t-shirt and the teddy bear and she looked so like her. Do you remember this story? For anyone who doesn't remember, there was a mother of Sian and Matthews who, I think after the Madeleine McCann stuff, saw how much money was raised. when kids went missing for the parents. And she was like, I'm going to get a bit of that dollar.

She reported her child missing and there was, I think there was £3.5 million spent looking for her from the police. Oh, fuck. She wanted to raise £50,000, the mother, and then at first they found... The child, they found Shannon in her partner's cousin's attic, I think. But anyway, it brought me down. I was like, I thought it was very funny.

but then I went down the Shanna Matthews hole and I was like oh it's actually not great she was tied to a radiator I didn't know that and she's now had to change her identity I know but that's her own that's her mother doing that to her like what the fuck Anyway, happy Halloween kids. What the fuck? Look at this. Sorry, could I be any? Could I be up any closer on the... Joanne's having a real Monday, isn't she? Did you like Julia Stiles' Halloween costume? Do you mean Julia Fox with blood?

Julia Fox, yeah. I, Julia Fox, God love her. I like her, but she's mad as a box of frogs and she's big into the clickbait stuff and the kind of shock jocking and all that jazz. So it kind of makes sense that she would do that. Did you see the sim out? No. So she dressed up as Jackie Kennedy in that like famous pink suit, but like left all the bloodstains on. because Jackie Kennedy famously wanted to keep the suit on to show the person of what he'd done when he shot John F. Kennedy.

She left it on for two days and when eventually they got it off her they put it in a kind of room temperature vault somewhere and they're going to release it in 2135 or something so the blood's still on it. So anyway Julia was like statement piece. But when she first described what she was doing, she was doing her whole, you know...

I'm iconic and all that jazz. But then when there was a proper backlash, she came out with a real explanation about how, like, it's all feminist and all. But people were saying that her explanation was definitely written by ChatGBT because you just... Yeah. I think she was leaving the dashes in left, right and centre. I mean, Jackie's dead. So...

I just, I just, you know what, she should have just, you either go with it or you just do nothing because, like, it's the explanation that got me like, oh, come on, don't start hitting us with that shit. It's the assassination of a president. Like, it's going to be used in various situations. It's not like a discreet death, you know? Like, it was the same with Kathy Griffin when she held up Trump's bloodied head.

Right, right. She's like, it's art. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. I love that. But like some excuses, I'm just like, oh, God, whatever. Do you remember Winona Ryder said when she was caught robbing all those clothes? Remember, she used to be a kleptomaniac.

And she would just go around robbing clothes and she was like an A-lister. She basically, her excuse to the police was that she was researching for a role. And I actually thought that was a pretty impressive excuse. It is, yeah. Yeah, I know.

You can research for it in prison. Off you go. I don't think anything happened to her, but yeah, she was trying to rob a lot of Chanel scarves. Yeah. Winona kind of fell off the side of the earth there. I think it was addiction issues, but she's back now. She's doing great. She was in Stranger Things, I saw. Your man, your... friend had very strong feelings for her David Harbour supposedly had very strong feelings for her Really? Yeah

Mesmerised, they said. Apparently the girl in Stranger Things, Imo, can you please feed me her name? Millie Bobby Brown. Millie Bobby Brown. Yeah. already had accused David Harbour of bullying and harassment on the set of Stranger Things. So it's not a good year for David. Not a great... Did you dress up as him in the end or no?

You did, yeah. I know you couldn't wait to get into the Halloween spirit. Should have saw you at Battersea Park. Fireworks are having a great time. You're having a ball. You know me. Anything with the kids. Anything with the kids. Can you trick or treat as a grown-up? Is it inappropriate?

I'd say you'd get away with it. I'd go to Ireland though. Great hauls over there. Did you see people dressing up as the Louvre heist people? Yes. I can't believe you don't think they're hot. So they found the people. I haven't seen them.

Oh my God. Okay, wait. I want to get your natural reaction. Don't look. Don't look. Put the phone down. Okay. These are supposedly the two men that we don't condone robbing, obviously, that basically stole from the Louvre. Thank you for telling them that. Joanne steals, but that's her own business. I stay out of it. Steal from you. Pardon?

More hot felons. My God. Jesus. The felons are just getting hotter and hotter. What is going on? These two look like they've just walked out of IMG models. Look at them. They are stunning. And I know by their necks that they are really built below because it's only a headshot, but I know by those necks that they'd have... There's roids. There's roids in them, their necks, I can tell. They are very attractive. They are very attractive. Look, crime is sexy, you know?

Look at all the women writing to criminals in prison and all. Crime is hot. They could have been A-listers. They're so hot. Why do they bother with that? And that's how they got away with it. No one's going to think two hot guys like that good looking guys are going to walk in and rob.

the Louvre because they would think that they're like actors or models. They're going to be the face of Gucci now in Paris Fashion Week within two years. I'm telling you now. And they're packing diamonds. What's not to love? I'd love that. They're gathering. It's hunter-gather. They're hunting and gathering. No, hold on. We gather. They're hunting. We gather, don't we? Are we the gatherers? Technically.

I just think, though, what are they going to get? What are they going to get in prison? Because they haven't killed anyone. It's just, it's robbery. But I know it's like, you can't say, oh, this is more robbery than robbery of something else. Like it's the same level. Robbery is robbery. I'd say there's maybe some law written in for Napoleon's bits.

I'd say Napoleon's bits have an extra layer of robbery attached to them. I don't think it's the same as shoplift. Winona Ryder, Robin, and then you've... robbing Napoleon's crown from the Louvre. It does feel a little extra. What I will say is Winona Ryder was Robin and Chanel. So that feels like the same level. If I'm Robin and Stake from co-op, not the same. You couldn't anyway because they're all in the back. But anyway.

If I'm robbing a steak from Kong, it's not the same as the Louvre. It's just not. Yeah, no, you're right. But I feel like, I mean, I'd be surprised if they just get a slap on the wrist now. I think they're going to end up doing some pretty hard time. And wait until you see the amount of fan mail those lads get.

Might have been right to myself. See, now I can understand why you'd fancy them, but I don't, I never got that CEO killer because like he just killed somebody he didn't know. And there's all these people and fans, Juliana, what's his name again? The mayor. No, not the mayor. The guy who killed the CEO, what was his name? Oh, yeah. Luigi Mangione. Yeah, and all his fans. I don't get that now. That's not, he's a murderer. While we're here, folk.

You're going to help me promote my side hustle. Oh, the bags. Oh, my God. The bags? No, sorry, the stand-up. I'm actually calling it. Joanne, Joanne sent me a gift of bags the other day and I was like, I didn't, I'd never seen the inserts before and I was trying to make that into a bag myself. I was like, this is fun. And then I was like, oh, it goes in there. Goes in the big bag. It's the baby bag. Sorry, I meant, I was.

taking the piss when I said my side hustle will stand up because it's my main hustle but you're right I actually do have a side hustle so that was confusing so as we know I'm on the road with Penafile and my Killarney dates are coming up 14th 15th 21st and 22nd of November I'm in Killarney The Dublin dates are gone. But I also have, do you know where I room? Where? Belfast. 22nd, 23rd. Of November? Of January. Sorry, I should have said that.

It's a wonder why she's got room up in Belfast there, isn't it? I totally forgot to mention. I have two shows in Belfast in January 2026. On the 22nd, 23rd. There's other ones, but I can't see them offhand. But yeah, tell your Belfast mates. Tell your Belfast mates to go and your Killarney mates. We had a great time in Killarney. God, I was violently hungover. Jesus. We did.

No, were you? Oh, we had an accident. Yeah, we had an accident of the, we had too much fun. It was an accidental fun evening. Do you know what I remember? Oh, it was bad. And then you had two fun evenings, but I kept it to one. I had one and a half ones. You had two old ones. Sounds about right. Yeah. It's because Davina Devine. I can't be around her. Davina Devine is on the road. No. I'm so deep.

No. I remember I was going out with a guy at the time and he was like, if you're going out with Davina again, I was like, I'm sorry, we're kindred spirits. He's like, I'm not going to see you for days. Do you remember in Cork? We were in Cork. I think we were doing four nights or something in Cork. And you were in the room next door to me.

But I went and like you and Davina had told me that you were in the room and it was like 10 o'clock at night and I literally went up to your door and I was going to go in for one drink and I put my hand on the door handle and I said, no Vogue. Don't, don't. Don't do it. And I actually backed away and I went into my room and blah.

Was I happy I didn't knock on that door? You're like, do you know those, I watch them, the TV shows about medium detectives where they touch something and like all this vision comes into their head and they can tell the future and the past. And that was what you, yeah, you were fed information. That happened to me. I was like just backing away slowly from the door hoping you wouldn't hear me. Two bitches didn't even text me.

amount of beers we put away and that goes to tour. My God. My God. I know, I know. The glory days, huh? It was so much fun.

Okay, I'm bringing something back. You ready? Oh, thank God. Is it clots? No, pedal pushers though. I've actually got a pair on the way. Pedal pushers are back. Fab. They're back. My calves can't wait. I bought a pair and now I'm going to have to return them because my calves are not gorgeous. You fantastic calves, folks. Listen.

They'll be exploding out the back of them. I'm not sure that the pedal pushers are going to work for me, but I'm going to give it a go. Like your man. What was your man? The Hulk. He just rips through all his clothes. Calves pushing out the back. a boot company got on to louisa do you not remember that they were like they do boots for like oversized caps they wanted to work with me and i was like

Thanks for thinking of me but like no. It's a polite no. But I would like two pairs please. I do remember because I used to have larger calves than I do now and I think my calves have... gotten a little smarter from cycling but I I remember that I fucking cycle everywhere mine are going the opposite well do you know what yours are yours are strong

That's what yours is. It's muscle, Vogue. Okay, great. And everyone's so intimidated by me. Go on. And everyone is intimidated by you. And everyone's jealous. If there's anyone who gives you any shit, they're jealous, intimidated. Done. Exactly. Exactly. But like, that is muscle. Like there's people who are literally getting implants in their calves to have the calves that you have. That's a compliment. Joanne, they're men.

The men are getting implants. I don't want implants in my calves for fuck's sake. But I remember myself struggling to get boots. Remember when the knee boots were really in when I was younger. So I'm really disappointed you didn't face that. boot company because I would have appreciated their heads up when I was young. Because I needed special boots.

And I have to send back, do you remember, I don't know if you'll know them, loads of people buy these Paris, Texas boots and they're really gorgeous, gorgeous boots. Oh yeah. Desperate for a pair of them, got one, couldn't get it above the ankle. Yeah. They're not inclusive. They're not inclusive and they're making them for these little twiggy legs and you're like, come on, we're real women here.

Well, some women have, mainly women have twiggy legs, but I don't. I remember going out with a guy at the time, we were in a pub and a woman walked in and she had great legs and he was admiring her legs. And I said, because I can't make, I have to make everything about myself when it comes to...

my boyfriends I can't have them look anywhere else or I get I'd like start spiralling so I was like I've got legs like that my legs are the same as hers do you know this is kind of very childish and he looked at me and he went ah no Joanne he's like I'm willing to lie to you about some stuff but I'm not lying to you about that I was like, you fucking prick. Fuck you. That is not what I was going to talk about. Anyway. Sorry, Spoof of the Week. Spoof of the Week is back.

Now, you know what John and I are like? This will maybe not last beyond this week, but we're taking it back. The queens of inconsistency.

Yeah, Spoofer of the Week. I had to do it because it's driving me up the goddamn walls. Kevin Federline. Yep. Spoofer of the Week. I keep saying... 24-7 spoofing there. Like, I mean, he's next level spoof. He's high end. There's top tier spoofers. There's middle of the range. And then there's kind of people who dabble in spoofing. And he is...

He is a professional. It's a 24-7 job for him. He is absolutely spoofed out of it. He is. So if I watch his memoir... Yeah, are you going to explain why you think he's a spoofer? No, Joanne, that's your job. I read the emails. Sorry, I'll explain your bit. I've all the good bits after. We just need a brief explanation of why we're here. Kevin Federline, Kevvy Feds, has, as we all know, unless you've been living under a rock, released a memoir just in time.

for around the time that her child alimony payments have run out, that Britney's paying for Kevin and the kids because all the kids have turned 18 or 21. I think when they turned 18, Kevin moved it to Hawaii because the rule there was 21.

and yeah and then he does this kind of thing where he basically slags her off in his memoir and then says like I only want the best for her and we're like you're full of shit and I even though I love to be across pop culture things I am not going to engage with the book because I'm not giving him the credit.

And when I say the credit, I mean my audible credits. No, we're not going to read it. We're not going to listen to it. But now, can I tell you about his divorce settlement? So he basically got around 1 million to 1.3 million as a settlement fee. On top of that, he's had 40 grand a month. Yeah. For 20 years. So for...

Two decades, 40 grand a month. And now that's up. And now he's decided to bring out a book on Britney. And it is like the stuff that he's saying. He's basically like, he said that she was drinking when she was pregnant. She was doing.

cocaine when she was breastfeeding she used to this was the worst one where she said that he said that the boys would wake up and she'd be standing at the door of their room just staring in at them with a knife in her hand and when they'd say is everything okay she'd say yeah and just like lightly pad off. Sorry, it makes her sound like she's in an asylum. Also, I could easily be chopping vegetables and walk and decide to check on my kids. Stop trying to make it sound like she is.

you know maybe she was opening packages opening packages exactly Do you know what I mean? She's still using those knives. She's obviously attached to them. Maybe she was dancing like she does. Yeah, she was mid-routine. But anyway, she has come out and said that he's gaslighting her and stuff like that. But I think he is a spoofer because...

The bullshit of him releasing the memoir and trying to be like, basically trying to be like, I'm doing this for her own good. Like, I've always wanted the best for her. You're doing your arse. You literally want her money. And you're not, like, you don't want the best for her. You're not being helpful by doing this.

She probably isn't in a great place. I think that we can all see that. And I think that he is a spoofer and a wanker there. I had, I actually did a video about it and I was saying, I made, I can't remember. What I said. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I completely agree. I think ratting someone out, exposing all their deepest, darkest secrets while you've been living off them financially for several years is you're a scum.

it's a louse of the louse first we're a skull second we're a bag that's you Kevin and did you see about Sia's husband though they're all at it Sia's getting divorced from her husband and he basically wants 250 grand a month in spousal support.

and 77 grand a month in child support, because although he used to be a radiation oncologist, he said that he hasn't worked for years, so would have to retrain, so has to be in the same... level of lifestyle that he was with her and it's like sometimes that bullshit actually works in court where the judge is like okay like he wants like he wants 327 grand a month who needs that

what the fuck? Are you buying a house? That's a lot of ASOS hauls. Well, yay. But do you know what it's gas? And I hold my hands up and say I am a raving hypocrite. And I talk about it in my new stand-up show and I do say, like, I do think there's different reels for men and women. But if a woman... got that in her divorce I'd be like get it girl when a man does it I'm like pathetic hideous very unattractive male girl diggers there's something there's something particularly unattractive about it

There really is. It's really off-putting. I think time has to come into it, though. I do. Because, like, when you look at the likes of, like, J-Lo, remember she married that dancer fella? She was married to him for one year and he got 14 million off her. Why does he get 14 million for being married to her for a year? Why? Yeah, 14 million. Do you know what I also found weird? Last one, sorry, I went to deep diving. Guy Ritchie and Madonna. Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie, he's a very famous and like...

well-to-do director, got around 76 to 92 million off Madonna. What? How does that make sense? Oh my God. I know. Because they have kids together, don't they? I know but come on they've one kid together I think one kid what does he need 92 million I think if you've lived with someone who's loaded then you are you're entitled to maintain that lifestyle you're lucky I didn't divorce you when I moved out I would have

Being entitled to all sorts. I'm taking the housekeepers and the cars. And the helicopter. Let's bring the helicopter in. You can have the helicopter. I don't want it anymore. I've become accustomed, Vogue. It is now my legal right to have chefs, PJs and three children.

That's not what I have, just in case anyone doesn't realise that is a joke. Please don't write about it. I don't own a helicopter. Jokes. And I don't have a chef. And yes. Or three children. Or, yes. Yeah. One of them's a cut out.

The other two, there was work labour laws for fairies and she had a third. Well, thank you all so much for listening. That's been a fantastic... Listen, we started on quite a low point, but we've entered on a high, I would say. I think so. I think so. Child Labour laws is always a sweet one to go out on, I think. Happy Friday. Well done. Keep sending us your emails too. Oh, do you know that someone mailed me? Did I tell you I got a message off a woman saying,

that I don't, she's like, I don't believe you, right? That Bare Boy Vogue email. She's like, you sent it to yourself. I was like, we certainly did not. I mean, if we were emailing ourselves, Joe would be thrilled, I'd say, because he'd love more emails coming in, but we do not send emails to ourselves. Just lucky we even arrived. I had someone yesterday mail me about him.

I said, I bought three of those mattresses for my house in Ireland. She goes, you did your shite buy three of them for your house in Ireland. I was like, well, I actually did. Do you want to prove the receipts? I had bunk beds. I had to buy three mattresses. It's like, why would I lie?

Yeah, why would she? Is she suggesting you didn't pay for the mattresses or is she suggesting you only got two and you're just flexing? I think she's just suggesting that there's no way I could have bought three mattresses, but I did buy three mattresses. There's no laws. And I'll buy 10 mattresses if I want. But I don't need any more mattresses now. I'm all right for now. Okay. This has been a Global Player original production.