Motherfucking mini episode, mini episode. Motherfucking mini ever.
Sew baby, turn around and let me see that sexy body.
Go bump, bump, bump. There it is Gentiles and little mamas alike. Welcome to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told.
Me, the podcast that dives deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories.
And we finally work to prove the theories that you the listener have at home. It's a motherfucking mini episode. Welcome everyone.
I'm German, I'm David boy. My apartment stuns like sneak.
Your apartment smells like steak, but that doesn't get picked up on the podcast. That wasn't even something you had to tell everybody running back.
Let's just start the whole I'll tell you one thing about me. My apartment don't smell like steak. Yeah yeah, hey, well at least something you know.
I'm not broke.
It don't smell like fish for lake.
Yeah yeah, it don't smell like nuggets in here fucking Costco Prime.
Baby, and I smell like fried baloney as steak.
Bitch is steaky here, bro I get all my meats, shouts to Costco.
Good meeting, I don't know if that's a rich person's instinct with with meat.
But yeah, are you not a costcomer?
I am not a costco member. No, but what I aspire to be. I don't shame anyone who has that that sweet opportunity.
It's it's not a fucking college degree. You could just go to Burbank and get one.
Yeah, I think I think the Burbank is a big, a big factor for me. Pretty I'm pretty far from that. And it's just, you know, the idea of needing to go all the way out there to shop feels super removed.
So no, I'm not. But I mean the thing is you only have to go once every six weeks.
Yeah, no, six weeks is it's it comes up fast for us at this house. All right, all right, kid changes things. Man, You really, that's what I hear? You really? You think people sound like fucking idiots when you go when you hear them talk about like their lives after their kids, and you go, bitch, it can't be that hard, And then you're doing it and you're like, it's kind of hard.
I Mean, here's the thing about me is I don't particularly want a job that never stops okay, and that's what like, that's like shit could happen to them when they're sleeping, Like, come on, man, I need to I need to leave the office every now.
Yeah, I get you. You need to do not disturb on your phone a little bit.
Yeah, I need some daddy time.
I got you, not just father time.
You need big pop a time.
I got you.
Whatever I do with my personal life, it's their business.
It's none of your goddamn business. And I say that to my daughter, but she don't listen. She she seems pretty intent on being very much in my business for the rest.
Of my life. Damn. In the mix, in the mix, don't you want a day where you could just sleep?
David? Yes, what is this line of questioning? Absolutely I do. I dream about it constantly, But I built a bond that I can't untether, So no, it doesn't. I don't get that anymore. And I have to make peace with that.
Man. Your life is hard, bro.
Yeah, no, it's you know, it's not ideal all the time.
But it could be me over here making.
Steaks, making stinky steaks.
It's not it's not sticky, it's just like not a smell. You want wingering.
Not a constant smell. You need an your house.
Like you don't want to wake up to it. You know what I mean? I got you, that's the problem.
Yeah.
Anyways, we got an email. We don't need to talk about stake.
So we got an email, an email from a person who you I feel. I haven't read the email, but you have. And you couldn't have been more excited about this individual and their contributions to our emails.
I this guy might be Carlos esque, okay, in his fervor, in passion and devotion. This guy, man, this is crazy. I'll read it and then you can. Yeah, you'll you'll feel it.
Well, I will say before we even get started. We're always looking for new enemies, and it sounds like we may have earned ourselves one via the podcast.
So no, I think this guy's on our side. He's just crazy, okay's also what we're looking for.
He's Dennis Rodman on the on the ninety seven Bulls kind of.
He might marry Madonna, he might marry himself, might be up an addressed like, oh this is exciting, man. Yeah, I'm really I'm really happy for this. Let's jump in all right. This is from he doesn't say. He doesn't want us to say his name, so I'm just gonna say it. I also don't think he's involved in the world where we can't say this is from Jay Shan.
We don't under say his last night.
All right. That was my father justin cut that out, all right, Just for the record, for all Chinese listeners out there, we love you all here at my mama told me the reviews of Jay Sean do not reflect the views of like Snon David. In fact, we don't know this nigga. He's clearly crazy. Okay. The title of the email is watch your pops here we go. No punctuation, by.
The way, not not a single period or comma throughout this whole thing. I would say, there's there's.
Some capitals though, all right, all right, yeah, I was just listening and one of y'all said, your pops is white.
Hold on, can we talk about how insane it is to start an email with Yeah, I was just listening. No greeting, no no uh, no pleasantries, just immediately in the middle of a sentence. But go ahead, yeah, okay.
All right, yeah, I was just listening and one of y'all said, your pops is white. Yo. I know that nigga probably cool and everything. Yeah, I met your fond cool guy. Yeah guy, But Yo, you might want to keep an eye on him because you never know, he might be hanging out with some other white people that he thinks is cool and they could be playing him and getting all kinds of info about you. The next thing you know, they all in your shit.
WHOA. I had never considered the possibility my father my canoodle with other whites and that would be the potential to my downfall.
It's also that he thinks your father would set you up.
Yeah, my dad is just like weirdly bad mouthing me to other white people and they're rubbing their hands together like birdman, just waiting for the chance.
Also that your dad could be tricked into, like you know, he's like, oh, were I'm sorry, that was cool? That was.
I don't know, Jayshawn, I'm thirty six. I think it's my dad. I think my dad were gonna like snitch on me to the white community. He had an ampul opportunity up to this point.
It would have been done in childhood.
We're pretty far into the game. But I'm listening. I'm listening get ready for a tone shift. And that reminds me you can't trust them Chinese because.
Either oh.
You gotta you gotta be employed someday, Jay Sean.
What are you doing? It's this special kind of racist guy who conflates white and Asian people.
What fuck?
All right?
Let me some.
People truly only see black white, right, like you ever mentionedbody like that where it's like, I don't think they are aware that there's like other.
Yeah, that's true, where it's just like white and black and then and and I feel like what they always are is white, black, jew Chinese. I think I think those of the four categories. He is that that people with that intense racism tend to hold tight is white, black, jew never Jewish. It ain't Jewish people, it's jew Chinese.
Uh.
And I feel like Jayshawn is probably living in that deep seated level of racism.
I also several family members. I got cousins who will tell you, if you're not born in Africa, you're not black. They say that to me.
The most Africanized man that ever was.
Their cousin not born in Africa black as all. Anyways, all right, you know what Chinese niggas sol karate from us. Right, my man kind of put me onto this, but I figured out most of it myself. We could tell he did his own research. Uh so, my main my man tells me about how these egypt niggas invented karate, but when they was warring with them Greek or Roman niggas, the Chinese niggas slid in there and stole all kinds
of shit and took all the karate books. And then the karate teachers all died in the war.
Whoa, So it was the books that we were learning the karate from. That that was the way that we were passing down the lineage of martial arts.
I'm the books. I'm still with him, like people, man, listen, stolen people, steal culture during wars.
Stolen artifacts is a very real thing.
Come on. Our museums built on that. Most come on. So I start wondering why they invented karate. And I remember I watched the show one night about how these alien niggas was here and showed the egypt niggas and some other niggas in like South America or some shit, how to build pyramids. And this is some real shit
you could look up. I don't remember the name of the planet, but it's called like Neibu or something like that, and every like three thousand years, it's close enough that the niggas that lived there can just pull up on us. So I started realizing these egypt niggas must have been, like, Yo, these niggas seem cool, but next time they come around, they might be on some different type of timing. And you gotta remember, they didn't have guns and bombs or
none of that shit back then. They had like swords and shit. So they came up with karate just in case something popped off, they could give them that action. Okay, but them Chinese niggas stole it. They stole all that shit and been keeping it secret all these years. I think that's oh wow, wait wait, I think that's why they killed that nigga.
Bruce Lee famously assassinated.
That nigga. Bruce Lee was cool with black people's and was teaching them karate, but then he started teaching But then, but then he started teaching that basketball nigga. Kareem Abdul Jabbar karate.
Can I just say how insane it is to both no. Kareem Abdul Jabbar's name and still refer to him as that basketball nigga.
Okay, so then you started teaching that basketball nigga Kareem ab dul Jabbar karate. So them Chinese government niggas must have been like, yo, he fucking with a Muslim niggas. Now you know how they get down. So they had that nigga popped. I think they killed his son too, probably just to make sure he didn't try nothing if
he found out how they did his pops. Imagine if these Chinese niggas never stole that shit and Phara Malcolmects and them niggas had that karate shit right out the gate, yo, shit would be different right about now.
Damn, we're calling upon you because we have we have new merch. We have very exciting merch that we are now selling and it's it's fucking great. We love it so much.
Just sleek, it's sexy.
Come on, you want to tell them what we have?
Yeah, we have three different types of hats, which is really fun. We have a two tone hat, an alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with an alien who has a cooofie on it. Since my mama told me. And then we have t shirts that say proud little Mama, which is who you are.
Yeah, you can buy the merch now, go to my mama told me dot merch table dot com. It's a brand new name, but it's the same old merch and we would love for you to get some if you haven't got it already, and we want you to have all the sweet stuff, so get it.
I honestly think jayshon Ford possibly the best email anyone's ever sent me.
It's a high caliber email.
It's like, if you're gonna, if you're gonna send us shit. We don't want to hear about how much you like the show. Yes, stop, you don't want to hear about how handsome you think we are.
Stop trying to fuck us, Stop trying to butter us up. Get to the crazy, Get right to the fucking nutcase that's outside of You.
Start out with us testing our familial bonds, and.
You come in and you make me doubt whether or not my father is a terrorist, uh some sort of like spy, a co op of some kind, and then and psyop and then and then and then you transition into asking us to not trust entire races and ethnicities of people.
By the way, no sign off that shit just ended.
Yeah, No, he doesn't say goodbye, He doesn't say hello, he doesn't say goodbye. He starts in the middle of the sentence. And that sentence runs on for a page and a half and and all of it glorious. And he tells us a lot. He tells us that that the Egyptian niggas were the ones who invented karate. He tells us that that the only reason that Egyptians do not continue to practice karate is because it was stolen the literature, that sort of how's the karate was stolen
and our greatest karate masters were murdered off. And then he goes on to say that Bruce Lee in fact, was going to gift karate back to the black community and specifically the most dangerous of blacks, the black Muslims, before he was quote unquote assassinated popped Una Pops for his decision to share with the Muslim community.
So I just want to say, even though Jayshawn has brought us a bounty of ideas, some informed, some maybe not fully informed, we should clarify the origin of karate as we know it is a type of martial arts from Japan with some Chinese influence, But I mean, listen, I as a theory, I'm I'm I love it. I love it. I will I would love to go deeper because here's what this got me thinking. The way he was like, I just figured that shit out. I was like, yeah, you could just make up your world.
It's a nice thing that I think we don't celebrate enough in conspiracy theory. I think, oftentimes, if we're gonna take this into a little bit more of a wide lens of what conspiracy theory is, and it's part of the root of what this what makes this show so fun. Oftentimes conspiracy theory gets treated like it's it's the terrors of the fringes of society, right that it's just the worst people making up the worst ideas, and they're bad for having done it, and we should be ashamed to
allow them to do it. And I and I think you disagree. I think it sometimes can be the best thing that a human being has to offer is their psychotic musings on a subject they know absolutely nothing about.
I honestly often would rather hear from that than experts.
Come on, it's just so much more fun.
You think I want to talk to some taekwondo master, No, I want to talk to Jean.
I want Jay Jon to write a book about the ancient art of taekwondo.
Here's yeah, here's what I'm thinking in my head. This is what I go down. Bruce Lee was foretold in a prophecy, and now we're waiting on the true karate Messiah. That's what I wanted to be. Okay, I like it back for us to teach his people karate and through we will liberate because we had, we've Black people have always had flirtations with karate. We love karate, we love karate. I have a joke about we love karate, we.
Love them about some of the greatest drug dealers of New York name themselves Wu Tang just because they liked watching karate films too much.
I would argue, there's no such thing as too much. So, like, where does that love of karate come from? It? It would make sense that it's instilled in us on a genetic level from the ancient time.
Right, And if if I want to play this game, if we think about what hieroglyphics are, they're always in poses that do sort of look a little bit like karate. It's a lot of this and a lot of it's a lot of karate chops in those hieroglyphic pro poses, and we've been presuming that they're running or they're made making grain or whatever the fuck is the suggested thing. But I think more realistically, they're probably karate chopping like fucking crocodiles and shit out there, just.
Like man and I would just love for it. Here's my only issue with Jay Summons. Yeah logic, because I'm with most of it, he makes it sound like the Chinese people have been hiding karate from us.
That is where there's a little bit of a fault line in this whole thing.
Karate is you could go find it, I'd argue at your closest tripmon.
I think it's real hard to not find a karate class nowadays.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Now whether or not you're too embarrassed to sign up for one, yeah.
And also whether or not it's a legit karate class or if it's being taught by like a you know, thirty five year old white guy who just is seeking employment and figuring out a way to scam people. That's a different question.
Up saying my joke. I literally that's a joke I have because it's like and I love that. No, it's okay, it's okay. They should still buy tickets to come see me the rest of the hours. Dude. I loved the idea of a fake you know what this This is why I love a fake karate dude because I knew this guy when we were like probably like twenty, and he his whole persona was we called him Ninja. It was his whole persona, hed the dojo, he taught kids. He was one of those guys you know where you
would you know when you know, martial arts guys. And he show me some karate and he comes up and he's like, if I had a knife, I would just.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
And then you got to fall out. We were like, no, this is crazy, blah blah blah blah blah. And he had a good life. He had a good life. He had a job, he had a girlfriend, he had a good life, and he had a lot of moves that could murder you. A lot of dude at their parties all drunk. My man, my man gets out of jail, right and we're throwing a party for him, and Ninja is there and the homies like, I don't believe that ship. Oh, and we're like, we're like, no, just.
Let him live.
No, we got we got we got to fight. Oh no, he throws him through a bookcase.
Fucks and it ruined his whole life. O. Bro, he threw him through a book It was fast, of course it was. It was like it was like maybe twenty seconds.
No, this fight wasn't meant to last long. Bro, He's been building it up too far, for too long. He made he had a thing in his head and then this prison nigga shows up and he just he ate him alive.
Bro through the man through a bookcase. He gets embarrassed and goes out to his car, right like, and I would be embarrassed as well.
We didn't go to get something. He just went to go get a bro.
That story gets so much worse. His story gets so much worse. He went to his car and then his girl was in there also, which is terrible. So his girl saw the whole thing happen and she had to go out and like console him. He doesn't come back to the party. His girl comes back and to get his ship.
We're like, what.
She's like. She's like, She's like, he just feels as if he's lost his honor. And I swear to you, I haven't seen dudes since man Bro. I don't even like telling the story in public. I have second it was so embarrassing.
You gotta you gotta write that bit that's so funny.
It's not a bit that's what happened.
I'm saying it needs to be one. It surely is. What a phenomenal story.
I always after that. I always thought about like. I thought about it and I was like, it sucks that he pulled his card. Why can't he just have his fake karate world.
I think that's what karate's for.
I think, I'm it's not teaching you how to fight some fucking at risk youth who's gonna throw you through a bookcase.
Well that's that's the point. And frankly, it gets us back to what Jayshawn is talking about. It's the reason all those Egyptian karate masters are dead is because karate ain't for for real fighting. It's for building confidence. It's for centering yourself. It's for allowing you to feel more like the human who could protect themselves. And then when you actually need to protect yourself, you get a gun,
you get a fucking stick on you. You fight like a coward because that's the only way to survive in this world.
You fight the way that me and Langston are going to fight when Terry Crews eventually runs down on him.
You think I'm using my fists with Terry Crews. I'm gonna get the biggest chair I can find and throw it and run and then throw more chairs.
You don't think I'm walking around with Pepper in my bar.
I'm not fucking squaring up with him. And I did take karate. I'm not going back to none of that shit.
It's not about karate. It's about a big ass rock. If you're really worried about Yeah.
No, you let the man have the confidence he needed to keep being the person he wanted to be. And it's a shame that that prison man took that from your boy, Ninja, because he deserved that. He deserved he was getting.
Pussy, he was enjoying himself, and.
Then he lost this honor because one man just wouldn't let him have it.
Yeah, wouldn't, And it was like not necessary.
You know what I mean.
Why do you have to do that too?
It's so funny to sit in the car and then tell your girl, I just feel like I love some of my honor.
Bro I we have to break up if I gotta. If you see that, and then I gotta say.
That to you, I gotta go back in the party to tell people that the reason you won't come back in is because you lost your honor.
The goal I would never I would hope to never see her again.
Women. And I'm gonna say this respectfully, women. Okay, I want the best for Ninja. I want the best for the lady that loves Ninja. I want the best for Jayshawn. I do think that Jayshawn. This conspiracy seems somewhat unfounded, but I'm happy to spread it. I'm happy to help proliferate this into the world. I truly have no doubt that this would add a sweet, sweet chaos that we all need.
Yeah, it's not, it's not. We also invented the windmill punch.
And that uppercut to the nuts that d X used to do. That was so jay Shawn, thank you for your email. It means the world to us, and I have no doubt that we will cross paths again sometime relatively soon. I think this type of crazy can only build on itself.
So yeah, and I also and I don't I don't know if this is warranted, but it feels right in my heart. Free that man.
Yeah, appreciation, Yo, you're right. When you're right, you're right.
That's the new merch free j sean teacher.
But all right, you want to tell the people where they can find you on what cool shit you have going on?
H Yeah, follow me on Instagram at Cool Guy Jokes eighty seven. All my shit is up there. And watch Royal Crackers streaming on HBO Max every week for ten weeks season two. Go back and watch the first season two. I'm in that one as well. Every episode You'll love it.
Go watch Royal Crackers. Follow David as always. You can follow me at Langston Kerman And if you want to see my Mama told Me live, then guess what, bitch, You've got your opportunity coming up. It is going to be May fifth, David's birthday. Come on at the Comedy Store Sunday, May fifth, seven pm. The tickets are available online. It's part of the Netflix as a Joke Festival. It's gonna be insane. We're gonna have cool guests, We're gonna play games, We're gonna do all the chaotic bullshit we
already do plus more. Truly going to be dope. And if you want to buy merch before that show, after that show, you go to Mamma told me dot Merchcentral dot com. You can see all of that stuff. And if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to bring an official evidence in to support Jayshawn's claims that black people are the true masters of karate, send it all to my mama pod at gmail dot com. We would love to
hear from you. That's the whole shebang. Bye, bitch, s really fucking Mini your sin
Mer Meli fucking min