Morpheus for Lesspheus (with Josh Johnson)

I was a Tamerica. Go to you. I like Tamara better shoes. I was always a tea man. I bet you were a tear man, your fucking teacher.

Here's what I'll say, if you look at them as grown ups, Tia, what's the right choice?

I don't even know how they progress.

It is.

Tia is tea together.

Now, Tia is still Tia still loves black people's tea is still.

Like down with the community. Where did Amara go? Tamara went elsewhere? You're so happy? So happy?

Yeah, you you look like you placed a bed. That's weird to be that happy.

He bet on whereins?

That's what I'm telling you, because them bitches behaved differently?

Where is Tamara? That's our spinoff podcast from this say the finding Tamara chips in yours are racist.

The.

Money turkey stuff I can't tell me. Voices in my head be telling me to go to church. They say, the Lord is the only way for you to stop to hurt. Welcome Little Mama's and gentiles alike to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me.

The podcast where we daft deep deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories and.

We finally worked to prove that Kim Whitley is Jackie Harry. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I'm David boy. I can't tell what you're saying. I don't care too, but I love it. That's very good.

And also, I would like to point out that you gave me a lot of ship in one of our recent episodes for for my selected quote, my song of choice to bring us into the episode, and you just did a a A R. Kelly deep cut for Josh h don't.

All right fair enough song? That was crazy, and you did a vile, vile man. Listen, agree to disagree.

I think he's a pretty cool guy.

Also, did you have a Kim Whitley phase? I feel like we were all very affected. I'm still in my Kim Whitley phase. What do you mean, Friday? I would go with Kim Whitley tonight. Yeah, she could. She could take me from my partner.

Come on, man, it would It would get Joe pick me up, big mama, Let's get out of here.

She knows the effect she had on generations of us. I do.

I think that's why she's so comfortable being a silly billy. It's the most beautiful part of her is that like she knows she's bad as fuck, she knows she's untouchable. So yeah, go ahead, you know what I mean. Yeah, I'll go ahead, put on some weird pants and spur my butt cheeks.

Whatever she'd be doing. She's silly. You know.

Our guest today, I imagine I don't know when his Kim Whitley face came and went, but you've already heard his name, and we're so excited he's here. You know him from the Goddamn Tonight Show, from the Daily Show, you know him from his comedy specials. He's so funny. We're so happy that he's joining us. Please give it up for Josh Johnson.

Oh thanks.

My Kim Whitley phase was during Sister Sister Ah.

Okay, yeah yeah.

Sometimes Tia and would be on screen. I'd be fine with it, and then Kim Whitley would show up, and then Tamayor would get on screen. I'd be like, what are you doing?

I can't if you're fully playing into Bory's bit of d either Jackie jack A being the same person.

Well, this is this is my thing, right, the one thing I do. Take slight exception to is doing the R Kelly cut for Chicago for me because it feels like if it feels like if it was your birthday and then someone got you a murder weapon. It's like you didn't have to do anything. I was just happy to be here and you're like, no, no, this R Kelly is for you, Josh, because I know it'll it'll touch your heart. The way that you know, the way

Well, I think that uh, you take the message, not the messenger and some things, and I think if we can all take from that line. Also, I couldn't remember a crucial conflict line and that was the second funniest thing I could have happened smoking is hey in the middle of the barn? Yeah, hey in the middle. I think I love that one pretty Yeah. Probably you're a good representative of your region.

I gotta go regional first. But but Josh, we're not here to talk to you about regions or Kim Whitley or your deep, deep love for R Kelly. Uh, we are here to discuss. Look, we can't dilly and dally on this all day. Josh, you came to us with a very daunting conspiracy. I would say one that every time I think about it chills me to my bones. Bory how you feel about this, but it gives me the goddamn shivers every time I think about it. You said, my mama told me we are living in a matrix.

Tell us everything you know.

Okay, So it's not the matrix necessarily as in the movie from ninety nine. It's more the matrix as the concept of the movie from ninety nine. We live in a sort of simulation. It's impossible to potentially impossible to

You think the simulation then, is food that we live in, is potentially is s capable and still being present in it? Or is it like the Matrix in that when you are pulled out of this simulation officially your body ceases to exist. You become you're like eating mud pudding in the sky or whatever the fuck they were doing.

So to answer your question, there's a thing about the movie The Matrix that's like a fan theory that was never like, it's not cannon or anything, but it's basically that the entirety of what we're watching is just layers of the Matrix. Because if you remember the third movie, when he talks to the architect, the architect tells him that he's like the fifth or sixth Neo or whatever like that he's not the original, that this has happened before.

Let's let's call it what it was. That was robot pussy juice, and please finish your thought, but let's be accurate. On the podcast, it was robot pussy jew.

And he was still in the matrix. Then when he's flying around and he's fighting the Smiths and he's killing them, he's still in the matrix.

Then.

But there are some people that in the line of logic that this fan theory had for the movie, there are some people who are those sort of like I guess you'd say, like heightened thinkers are more awakened or need a more elaborate ruse to settle themselves within the matrix, and so that is that's what I mean when I say that we're living in a matrix. I think it is a simulation, and I like this, this is not

Bory, Bory, Where.

Do you live in all of this? Because this is we're already. I think we're in some dense ship already.

I don't. This is a conversation I've had with a lot of people a lot of times. I personally hate this. I think it's I think it's for smart people with main character syndrome to be fuck are you talking about there's a bunch of people here doing a bunch of different things, because the thing about the Matrix is like it gives too much to like what's the what's the point of the simulation, But at least within the movie,

Yeah, that's why I use the fan theory to explain why this is one of the most persistent ones that I think about, because for me, it's not necessarily main character syndrome because I don't think I'm like the one. I don't think that everyone is an is an extra in a movie about me. I think I'm the extra. I think that like I watch what's happening in the world, and I'm like, that's too dumb to be real. I must be a part of somebody else's dream, like.

Shit's just dumb, man, because it's more exciting that way. But I think that shit's just dumb.

I mean, some of my life feels like it would make more sense if we were all just part of Pete Davidson's dream, like if we were all, do think about it. I know you think you're living your life, but if anything, you're the one with the main character syndrome, because we are all a glimpse of a dream in Pete Davidson's mine, where he's just out here living his life.

I bet there are like three black guys doing a podcast somewhere and.

Mentioning me once and never again, never again. I bet they. I bet one of them got a dog. That'd be cool.

Okay, let me ask you this. It sounds like, Josh, you are a subscriber to us being a simulation.

No, no, no, oh you're no, you're not bought in. No dude, if I if, oh, if I believed it, I would be acting a fool right now trying to break out.

My behavior would be so much worse. Yeah.

Yeah, if I, if I thought that I was in a simulation, I would start simulating. I would start being like, all right, let's see how addictive drugs really are. Maybe I can free my mind.

Right, that's fair. It does challenge one to start making some executive decisions about how you're going to behave.

Yeah, because you gotta find out if you're the main character or not.

Damn damn. All right, let's say you are okay, you're not bought into this? Are you defiant when people introduce this I did to you when you're like at a party hanging out and somebody's like, you know, this is all fake, this is a ruse. Whatever are how are you reacting to the suggestion of this being faked?

Normally I ask them if they like their life, and and if they don't like their life, I ask them

Yeah fake.

Here's where I sometimes take issue with that, though, is the timing of it right, Because I don't think that Pink Polo Kanye was believing in the matrix of it all. I think he got a billion dollars and then he was like, Ah, this shit's probably fake, you know what I mean? Like it becomes a thing that rich people absorbed because they become bored and detached, not necessarily because they've they started off on this wave and stayed there all the way to the end of it.

I completely agree, because I think the act of being new money and making a billion dollars or having a billion dollar valuation of anything you created is so bonkers that it makes you lose your mind because you're like, guys, if I don't read and I have found a billion dollars in life and not the end of life, I'm not even old and I'm a billionaire and I don't read, y'all, Yeah, how did this happen?

Then?

Think about those days where like you get a bunch of new followers because you just have one of them. Days were like a bunch kick in all at once. My brain struggles to process that, you know what I mean, Like like there's.

Like sixteen people. This is too much power.

Well I'll pitch you this as an olive branch to the people that you think are very very dumb David, because I don't.

Know, I don't think it's dumb. I don't necessarily think it's dumb. I totally get it. I just like it's like, well, this this is this is like a summer school conversation, you know what I mean?

Sure, sure, dumb Adjason, This is a conversation.

This is at the particle when you should be at work.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, this is like when you're in remedial English and you're.

Like, yeah, you see the that's a smart movie. You really see perfect dark because that's what it's based on.

So this is the one thing that I've seen in life that's the most like this that really was happening to people is people.

This is a.

This is a not necessarily a type ven diagram, but it happened more than you would think. Okay, people who thought the pandemic was fake, people who thought COVID was fake but got COVID but were asymptomatic. Those people going through their life were basically like, this thing isn't real. Then for whatever reason, they had to get tested. Then when they got tested, they felt fine, and then a doctor or a nurse said you have COVID and they're like what and they're like, yeah, you have it, but

Right, those are the worst people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well here's what I'll say is.

And this is going to be a little bit more of an extreme take, but I don't think that it's healthy for any of us to ever be affirmed. I think that we should never be told we're correct about nothing ever because of my at some point, we just turn into fucking weirdos and dumb dumbs every single time. There's not one example of a person who was like fully affirmed that didn't like get kind of fucking odd afterwards in a way that that just makes it ineffective

I'll pitch you this because this is the wildest one. All right. So my boy that I tour with, right, Logan Logan Nielsen, he's who I do my podcast with and everything. His girlfriend is a nurse, and he told me the craziest thing. He was like, there was basically, you know, she was working in the COVID wards and and you know what I mean, she was like in the thick of it, She's like, I see you, nurse, right, And there was basically someone who was dying of complications

Fuck whoa?

And and that is how committed. Like when when Logan told me that, I was like, I was like, what, Like he had to tell me the story?

I think twice.

I think he had to tell me everything again because.

You ever find out if if she lived or died, what happened to her?

Does that that's not the issue. Yeah, yeah, I mean that's that the fact. But but if he was right, do you know what I mean? Like, if she comes back home, I didn't. I didn't think I could hear a dumber thing than what he said. And then you said, came back home with a day.

He's a if she comes back home, he hisig is of Smallville. U s A. I told the bitch I was in her head.

She got out the bed. I didn't come to see you because I knew it was fake. Baby girl. Let's go get free wings and Applebee's.

Those are truly the most powerful people, though, dumb people who just happened into being correct.

Because that's what I'm saying. We gotta stop making them feel correct, because.

That's the most dangerous person the most dangerous guy. That's a true villain.

At that point, Yeah, dude, I was shaking.

I was I was like, hoof, hoof, that's nuts.

It was. It's one of the worst. It's one of the worst. Like cognitive dissonant this world. I don't even have anything compared to. Because even people, even people who are just straight up racist, right, even people in like like neo Nazis or in the clan or something, if you really sat them down, they would be like, oh, yeah, my grandpa just told me a bunch of stuff, and I believe my grandpa because I love them or whatever. COVID was new, brandow. It took it took three months

No, the closest that we had to compare it to was the Black Plague. This shit was brand new for us, and motherfuckers were.

Like, Nope, not for me. Nope, I get it. I like that. I get it. Oh my goodn't I think I see exactly what's going on. I figured this whole thing out.

I think I'm gonna stop washing off my groceries.

And not to not to fully digress into a different theory, but just because you mentioned it, and I'm sure actually I probably mentioned it because I brought up But my favorite thing that I watched happen was all these people who we had made fun of. I even talked about in stand up. All these people who we made fun of for over a decade for building bunkers and all that stuff. Something a global pandemic finally came and then they were like, this shit ain't real. It was it

I mean, I think that's that's that's in all of our best interests. Though, because had those bunker people acted like they thought it was happening, lots of daths.

Yes, they would, because you know what it is is the bunker. People know what it actually takes to open up the bunker, you know what.

I mean, Like they know that.

Like, man, if I got to open this motherfucker up, I'm shooting every motherfucker near me.

Ah out, unless you're telling me I got to empty the clip.

I am keeping that bitch close. This has to be fake because I'm gonna kill everybody.

No, no, no, because they would be in the bunker. They would be in the they wouldn't They could kill some people on the way of the bunker that might be standing in front of the bunker, but they wouldn't come out.

No, That's what I'm saying.

Though, I think they're going to murder everybody within like a mile radius.

Oh I see, I see.

True.

They're gonna go on a mission all the things that they need, secure a perimeter, and and kill everything that lives in between that area.

Yeah they're not, they're not. They're not hoarding bullets to not use them. Yeah, they gotta they gotta kill spray something. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I'm just like I'm thinking of it from a way of like I watched Doomsday preppers years before the pandemic ever happened, and all of it was like, guys, I gotta get out of here. And they had an undisclosed location, so I definitely see them killing people on the way. But like if it had been let's say, COVID wasn't happening and it had been zombies, I don't think they would have like come out just to shoot

Here's the thing.

I think you're you're discounting the first couple days of this thing, right that, like, yeah, fair enough.

In the first.

Couple of days, the motherfuckers might have opened the door and like been in there for a minute, yeahs, And then they saw people outside breathing air and they were like, no, never mind, I'm not.

Gonna yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, do you think then, do you just just I'm gonna leave bunkers alone In a second, but based on who we know of as the bunker people, do you think that let's let's say, something happens and you really do need to be in a bunker or die for like a year and a half, right, do you think that after that year and a half passes and like the government finds some way to like send messages out again and let people know they can

Right, Oh yeah, yeah.

Like when you follow a militia dude, some of them. I've watched documentaries about militias, and some of these dudes you can tell there was there was a very funny what I was watching where this guy's talking and you can tell his lieutenant want to talk, but he could just never get a word in. And I'm like that dude, if it ever goes down, he's shooting that dude in the head first.

Yeah, it's the way I it's the way. I like what Cory Booker says. But I don't like that motherfucker, you know what I mean where it's like I'm in the militia, but I don't.

I don't want nothing to do with this, you know what I mean?

Everybody at you a cup of tea in this ship.

And so it's just I think, yeah, there's.

It's very likely that there are people that would have would have probably did kill each other in their little basement huts, hoping that they could, you know, outlive COVID or whatever the next pandemic is that's coming.

Yeah, because I just see, like you you watch some of these disaster movies, especially with a family, and I'm like, y'all can keep playing if you want, but like one of y'all is not making it out of here. Like like in a family of four, somebody is gonna accidentally shoot somebody else. It's gonna happen. And if it's not family, let it get down to the last Cannaeans.

You train a lot of family, is it? I thought Bunkers was it was usually like family based or like.

It's supposed to be family based.

You have to keep it small enough to be sustainable for a long time, right, Yeah, yeah, the.

Militia thing is different. I just mean that, like some of the people I've watched in the bunker situation are playing the bunk up with people who aren't family So, like, straight up, it'll be like it'll be two families of three in there. It'll be like my wife and kid, his wife and kid, all all of us sharing the bunker. Because you gotta remember, only the uber rich have like money for a proper bunker. If you if you got two middle class incomes for middle class incomes, even you're

Yeah, that's fair. It's not you're saying. These are not cartwheel sized bunkers. These are laid flat, flat at the bottom of a slave boat bunkers for people to leave.

Yeah.

Yeah, because when did you graduate? Uh when did you graduate college?

I don't I don't want to say uh.

Quite a bit, and time is going to crud all of them.

I'm saying.

When I graduated, your fucking business guy who is objectively younger than me.

How about saying when I graduated college, I only break it up because I brought up the price of a bunker, right, And when I graduated college was when the world was supposed to end. It's when the Mayans were like, we're done. So I took out plenty of loans, thinking like, maybe maybe I'm gonna learn out those loans.

Take it out because of you felt this was a simulation and that's how you win.

No, No, I didn't think it was a simulation. I was hoping the minds were onto something because it was two thousand and eight when I was a freshman, and I was like.

You were like you were like, uh, simulation, that's silly.

Now.

These lions and that look that figured out.

These Mayans could foresee everything except a white man with a gun. They they saw a lot coming and they've been right about a lot. And so I was like, man, what and that that whole thing brought me to do you wonder if there's anybody who invested in a bunker? And then twenty twenty happened, But then almost everybody lived. Oh so now they're like they even in twenty nineteen, they're like, the family's in trouble. You're going into debt. The bank is going to take the house. Don't worry.

Okay, all right, I promise you girl.

And then there's a vaccine in twenty twenty one and they're like, fuck, I don't mean it.

Has to even go as deep as in a bunker or as long term as that. There's people who are trying to make toilet paper moves. Then it didn't work out. Two months later, baby.

My toilet paper boat has finally coming. Yeah, I told you someday this was gonna be the real goal. Sterlin silver, This Sterlin silvera that Shiman bitch, that's where the money is.

All Right, we need to take a break. We're gonna be we We have I think a lot more to unpack inside of this theory.

We're gonna come back with more Josh Johnson more.

My mama told me, Yeah.

We're calling upon you because we have. We have new merch. We have very exciting merch that we are now selling and it's it's fucking great. We love it so much.

Just sleek, it's sexy. Come on, you want to tell them what we have? Yeah, we have three different types of hats, which is really fun. We have a two tone hat Alien Dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with the alien who has a coofie on it since my mama told me. And then we have t shirts that say proud little Mama, which is who you are.

Yeah, you can buy the merch now, go to my mama told me dot merch table dot com. It's a brand new name, but it's the same old merch and we would love for you to get some if you haven't got it already, and we want you to have all the sweet stuff, So get it. How did this travel begin?

America? We are back with Josh Johnson and Langston's old ass discuss it. Hold on, still got it? You're not even old. We're the same age.

Yeah you're not. You're not old, like yeah.

Yeah you know or something, Yeah, I got kids, Fellas, It just hits different once you become responsible for someone else's mortality, their their existence in the world. Do you start to really feel every ounce of your age?

What? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to tell you. Sixteen year olds get pregnant. Yeah, there's a whole show. Yeah, that's what they change afterwards.

No, they don't.

Show.

Yeah, I don't say they get better, Fellas, you're not understanding.

I didn't say they get better. I could get five dudes off hand who got worse.

They get worse, but they are aware that they could die a lot more than they were a second ago, I assure you.

Oh see, I've always been pretty aware I could die, though. Were you not a person? Were you not a person? You never thought about that? I think I thought about it all the time.

But I think then it sort of puts uh a children put a timing on it that it makes a little more complicated, do you know what I mean? Like my forever now has a distance attached to it in a more objective way than it did before.

Oh yeah, I feel that it's just hard to take what.

You're down to by two gentlemen who refused to nut in a lady if you.

Brother until you cowards to load up let's back up. I'm shooting up the club. Relax. You think you're special until you're willing to load up with intention. You do not.

Speak to me the way that you're speaking to me now, Josh Finisher thought I apologize.

Yeah, no, No, you just have all your hair and you like have like you don't have a look of old.

It's in his heart, though. That is one thing I can confirm I do know about. Like all is it's all in eternal. Yeah, externally, he's doing fine. Internally complicated, it's torn up in here. Man.

Okay, all right, Hey, here's what I'll tell you both of Your love keeps me young.

How about that.

That that's an old thing to say like that, like like you, I don't think you were old until that moment.

Just now, Josh, we Olivia, our wonderful producer, did a little bit of research, as it pertains to your conspiracy there, and she shared that research with me, thus suggesting that I myself did any research. It's a real cool trick that we pulled here. But she sent me an article from Scientific American, which is that's legit. That's the I think that's one of the real ones that we look to for research and ship where it's.

Like scientific America, American, Scientific American. Yeah, I feel like Science America would have sounded more legit.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm thinking American sounds fake.

That sounds like the dude who has the theory may a website.

Yeah, it definitely sounds like coming from a sovereign stated scientific Americans. I will not concede to.

This again, Academy Society, But scientific American sounds like one guy.

Yeah, that's fair now that I'm saying. Now that you're saying it out loud, I feel foolish for having trusted him so much. But a gentleman wrote an article where he explains that confirmed exclamation point, we live in a simulation. And in the article it does a lot of really really heavy breaking down of like the logic of the simulation or sort of like some of the fun mental scientific elements of the simulation, specifically as it relates to processing.

Well you scientific American.

Yeah, I'm just does this scientific American explain like sleep and dreams then in the simulation?

Uh?

He doesn't address sleep and dreams specifically, but what he does talk about as the second piece of evidence. His first piece of evidence is sort of like the speed of light being evidence that the process are being large enough. The second piece of evidence he points to is what he refers to as consciousness. He talks a lot about

It sounds like.

What you say before you fight someone. These are crazy words to say looking at another person.

Yeah, that your consciousness doesn't matter.

Yeah, Like it's the longest, most drawn out way to say, kill yourself.

So he says that this consciousness serves no purpose unless it is being used to basic be the energy source for another being, for somebody that is either manipulating us and or allowing us to sort of live with our consciousness that that then feeds a bigger machine which uses that for power or resources or whatever they deem fit.

Well, this is my thing that I don't get with a lot of simulation stuff that really bothers me. I don't understand why it always has to be in relation to a higher, bigger being, like a God or something.

Yeah, I mean smaller. Huh, how to be smaller?

I'm not saying it was.

Like if they're because it would have to be like it would have to have been made, right, If it's like a simulation, that like means there's some sort of a maker, So how would it be smaller than us?

I don't think it would be smaller. I just think it could be like a natural process of what existence is. It's like, there are things that exist that I never think about and I'm and I'm never thinking about them. So why are they there? If I'm never thinking about them and they're not bigger or smaller than me, they're just there.

That.

Yeah, there are some I guess theories that I've seen that that make it less about each of us being plugged in individually and more to your Pete Davidson example, us just being like fucking you know, we're gigabytes inside of a larger image, a larger sort of like cloth of shit inside of one person's head or one being's head. But it's not a fucking person and so I think in theory what the argument would be is not bigger

In a plane. I guess I see how that could be a thing. I mean, the more now hearing that I believe in everything about this less like like I do think, I do think, like actually hearing it from someone who has studied something makes it sadly sound a bit dumber than when it was just like a pop culture take.

Yeah, I mean, I.

Struggle with this in part because it so easily feels just like a person who wanted, specifically a white person, who wanted to detach from some level of humanity so they could keep rocking the way that they rock, like Eli Musk being like this giant champion for us being in the simulation feels very much like a dude being like, well, I don't want to feel bad about what my family did in those diamond minds. So this is all just a ruse. There's nothing real here at all.

I feel like this entire time, David's take has just been right, Like I think that this is like I mean, but I'm as someone who like I've had people say these things to my face and I just sort of politely let them talk and then I'd ask them the questions I asked. I told you I'd asked them of just like, well, are you satisfied with your life? If not, why and why don't you just use the fact that you know that this is a simulation to change it.

Yeah, it's a great way to not be held accountable. Yeah, it truly just feels like that.

It feels like everybody's skirting accountability by being like, none of this is real. You're all falling for a big ruise. And it's like, no, man, you actually heard generations of people and you're gonna have to reflect in that.

And you never see the You never see the opposite happen. You never see someone who's like made it, who believes this is a matrix and it's trying to like break through for you.

Does that make sense what I'm saying, right right, right? Because why would they they like, yeah, this is a simulation and they hit the top. What do they need to help you for?

Because it might be an MP anyway, you might be mister Smith anyway.

Guess what Morvius was broke? You know what I mean?

Wasn't that was just one jacket?

Yeah? Them low glasses because those are the ones he could afford. You know what I mean?

That wasn't That wasn't him being fly That was in piecing it together?

Yeah, no, it's it's it's one of those things where I wish it. I think that the notion is like interesting right the same way it falls into one of the categories of things that I do find interesting even though there's no proof. For one is like I don't really believe in psychics. I think that there's either too many Charlatans or just not enough ways to show that

Yeah, that's yeah.

Because the thing that I pitched someone one time when they were like, I don't believe in psychics or whatever. I don't believe in premonition or intuition and stuff, and I was like, Okay. At the time, Usain Bolt was the fastest man on the planet. He was the only person on the planet that we knew of that could

I was just listening to a daily article actually about a lady who's like this super smeller, Like, for whatever reason, her and her grandmother and like I assume generations before that just have like these insane noses that are so precise and intense that she can actually smell Parkinson's that like they she for years now has like has like effectively like one hundred percent the dog like a fucking dog with a hundred percent accuracy, not on some like

What part of you does she sniff to get that with good questions?

Great time to drop smell your dick if you got that ready?

Something going? I mean, okay, First of all, how dare this person have this talent and not become a doctor? That's that's actually an asshole move when you think about it. If you have this talent and you go into accounting, you're just the bear of bad news.

Where yeah, where is she doing it? Like at the fair?

Like, folks, I meet the amazing smelly lady a while away?

You there, Michael J. Fox? Care to be a part of the show.

First of all, she discovered this ability because she actually, uh and it's fucked up. She smelled it on her husband. Her husband started getting Parkinson's and he basically got a new odor.

One day. He was like, see I'm not cheating, I'm just sick. I'm about to die, baby girl.

Can I tell you something that I think right now? This is another conspiracy theory based off information I just found out. I know facts. I have no basis in science, but that's how we live around here. I think that she got Parkinson sneezes. I don't think she smelled it on people. I think she's given it to people. How else is she one hundred percent accurate. I'm not one hundred percent actor accurate with stuff that I know how to do. Sometimes I trip, Sometimes I trip.

I'll brush my teeth every day.

That's a different.

David. Come on, man, if it's a Sunday and it's a plain day, what are we doing? Uh No? But what is the situation where she was? She smelled it on her husband. She smelled it on her husband.

She basically starts smelling this new odor on him after a certain year, and he also increasingly becomes more and more sort of like his personality changes, as it often

So then are they going to make a show, like are they going to make a shell where she runs up on people and sniffs the back of their necks like you just got sugned.

This week on son?

What meaning we chance to wrap her?

And whoever she sniffed is just looking at her the way you look at a pit bull when it does that stomach growl, you know, the growl that pit bulls do that deep, it's deeper than a bark. It's like other dogs can't do this thing that pit bulls do. Pit bulls can go like but it's like it from the back of their spine.

Terrifying. Yeah.

I the person who wrote the article actually talks about the active fear that they felt while meeting with her, knowing that she had the ability to smell, you know, this permanent because it's not just Parkinson's by the way, That's what I was gonna ask for.

She sees that one.

She she's able to smell like a number of different cancers and distinguished between them. She truly is just like this weird person.

This seems all right, if we're if we're gonna go to the world of like Hulu originals, yep, this seems like a dog that stood up, Yeah, like a like a like a dog that learned how to talk.

Yeah.

And then they're like, oh, that's crazy that I'm like a grown woman that can just smell all these diseases of people exactly like these canines outside, those dirty dogs. Get those dogs away from me. This does those animals.

It very much feels like if Lifetime starts making silly programming, this feels like it's airing into what he means starts.

Yeah, it's a six sniffer.

Now they make serious shit right now, Josh, some of it is serious.

But every once in a while they make one where a man is so cartoonishly bad. I'm like, look, it's on all y'all for not shooting him in the first eight minutes.

Yeah, it'll be.

They'll literally make a mad in the movie in the Lifetime movie so bad that no judge in America wouldn't call you shooting him in broad daylight self defense, even if it was in the back of the head.

Yeah, they they do.

They don't follow by no rules of nothing, where like there's no character progression. No, it's just it's just a handsome dude who don't do nothing but hit And it's like, I mean, I think maybe he goes to work sometimes, I no, No, he just beats her all day.

There was there was one where it was it was some real bad They might not have been Lifetime, so let me not aly on them, but it was a movie that was like of that, elk, this dude. I don't know why they thought this was a good idea to because it was like, not based on true story, but they had a stunt in the movie that was insane where this dude is running after his partner's run out right and and it's leaving him. So then he jumps off of the second floor banister onto this like

Yeah, they didn't work on it. They were just like, hey, here's what you're gonna do. You got it all right?

Because the way that actor fel you can tell that the rest of the scene was shot on a different day, Like you can tell he hurt himself.

All right, we're gonna give Steve about a week and a half to work the kings out and we'll get back at this scene that's so funny. All right, we need to take one more break. We're gonna come back and we'll wrap up with the little Josh Johnson and more.

My mama told me.

We're calling upon you because we have we have new merch. We have very exciting merch that we are now selling and it's fucking great.

We love it so much. Just sleek, it's sexy. Come on, you want to tell them what we have? Yeah, we have three different types of hats, which is really fun. We have a two tone hat, an alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with an alien who has a coofie on it since my mama told me. And then we have t shirts that say proud little Mama, which is who you are.

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I'd rather check myself before I wreck myself.

There it is, there, it is.

How do y'all feel about like when a young suburban white kid uses like slang fully correctly? Though like like they like they'll say, they'll say a phrase and the phrase couldn't be more on point.

I feel like it's like when you go to a foreign country and you have a terrible accent, but you say the right thing. It's like I ain't good for.

Trying, man.

Yeah, like you have an understanding of it, Like like I'm not mad at that at all.

There was a there was a one time I was dude because I live in Bedstine, right and wall Towers, just walking around the neighborhood, and there was this little kid on a bike with his other friends who are on bikes, and then all it's three of them, right, three white kids, and then one of them goes the ops and a second later, kids from truly out of

Black black kids. Were these black kids that beat there?

They were a mix of kids. Actually one was black, but they were they were really truly the rainbow.

Hey, as long as we're the winners, I'm cool with it.

Go ahead, I'm rooting for everybody that's black, including the little kid fights. That's East's problem. She don't believe enough. She's sticking at the entertainment. I do it all the time everywhere.

It is funny to watch like eight year olds fight because they can't really hurt each other.

I was just gonna say, it's so funny because when you were eight, the stakes were so high, Like I remember kids getting their ass beat, and then you see eight year olds fight, You're like, I even just push them down.

But that's the thing. It's like you would go home like I would get bullied sometimes at school and I come home with like a cut lip or something like that, and looking back, for as much as I got hit, it's kind of weird. I just left with a cut lip.

It's not it was a boy. It was a little boy.

Yeah, but I'm saying little knuckles yeah yeah. But I also felt like I was mushy, Like it was one of those things where it was like it's it's a fail safe in like biology that you can't be all hard boned and nine. But like it is just funny to me because the way I remember it in my head, I was getting my ass whooped for like ten minutes. Yeah, but then when I came home, I had a cut right on the tip of my lip.

Yeah, just little soft fellas hitting on your head.

The apps.

As it relates to this matrix question, the simulation question. One of the feelings that I think I landed on and the article sort of attempts to head to by the end of it, is the inevitability of it, right that, like, at the end of the day, whether the simulation exists or it doesn't exist, what seems to be the consensus is that we are inevitably stuck inside of it. There is no there's no true unplugging in the way that

Yeah. Yeah that yeah, I think that's what a lot of this is is like a lot of it is like, yeah, his life's kind of.

Boring, yeah, or or it's just hard.

Yeah, it just is. It just is.

And there there may not be some you know, weird octopus robot that's you know, secretly dipping you in in robot pussy juice so that you can power more machines or whatever.

Yeah, I mean that's that's kind of the sentiment that I'm that I feel like I started with and why I use that fan theory about the matrix. Yeah, and how Neil never got out because I feel like the solace of believing in this type of thing is that it's okay if nothing works out for you.

Yeah, definitely.

I mean you know how, you know how like there will be someone and I'm really not I'm not picking on it in a hacky way. I'm literally just making like a one to one example. But you know how somebody will like not have their life together but then blame the planets. Yep, Oh, but that's not but you, whether it's in retrograde or not, you steal. You like to steal. Yeah, you should get better at stealing if you don't want to get caught and you don't want

Retro grade, or start off setting the planets, like start figuring out a way to like work against whatever this planetary alignment that makes you stealing and shit, like you can't just keep being a victim of the fucking moon.

That's yeah, Yeah, it's just.

The moon just whoops your ass every three days, and you just gotta.

Those people are fun too. I love it when somebody does something truly terrible and they're like, I'm just a virgo. It's just I can't stop. I'm just a virgo. Yeah, I don't know, you got so many kids.

I've never seen it, Just like with the matrix thing, I've never seen it work the opposite way. I've only seen it excuse bad behavior or be a reason to avoid a person. I've never seen it be like, oh, well, you know they're a pisce, so you know they're gonna donate.

Right right.

I've never heard it like that. I've heard like a stay away from his ass. He's an Aquarius, don't mess with him.

Yeah, it's always a fatal flaw inside of us. That that is the signature of our our various lunar diseases. I don't know what we're supposed to even call this shit anymore.

Yeah, because you you would think that if it's if you're that bad off, it would translate into something pretty pretty cool, like okay, maybe you're I'm making this up because I don't actually know the stuff. But maybe you're a Leo, which means you're full of rage, but it also means you're super loyal. You see that in the in the stuff. Sometimes you'll be reading the thing and people will write stuff like that. But then I'll be like, why am I only seeing the two worst aspects?

Yeah? Right, yay?

Yeah, It's like you're like, because then when you hear people describe themselves, they'll be like, oh, you know, I'm a cancer, and so I'm just like this, that, this, that. But I also, you know, I feel deeply I'm an EmPATH. I'm like, but you're not, though, like I know you yeah, yeah, hey, you're not idy of that stuff.

You have no empathy on me in this conversation because I don't want to be here. I hate talking to you about this.

And with astrology being as theoretically advanced as it should be at this point, right it's existed as long as the stars have existed, you would think we would start getting more specific about like the qualities of each person in their months and.

Shit, you know what I mean?

It should be like yes, yes.

Oh you you are aries you got a white better dog. You gotta you gotta get in there a little better than you be getting in there as.

I'll tell you this right now. The only time I've ever been mad for them is when that calendar changed or whatever. You remember that, Remember when like like fifteen years ago, when they were like, actually, everything's wrong.

Everybody.

Everybody's eight days from when they thought they were. And that was like, that was tripping people up in life hard. Like if you believed in that, it would be like if you grew up with the Bible and then out of nowhere somebody was like, y'all, I'm so sorry. That's our bad. Judas was actually Moses. We messed that one up hard. We've been we've been trashing the wrong dude for a while.

You know, y'all been listening to the remix this all time. The original is a little different.

The Ignition remix is in the party song now.

The original is slow, it's got a sexuality to it. It seems like it was no go ahead.

Yeah, I think it seems like none of us believe. Is that what you were about to say? Boy? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, it doesn't seem at all like any of us are brought into the possibility of the simulation being real. And moreover, if I may speak for all of us, it seems like we all agree that you could still work on being a good person even if you do believe in said simulation you do not, that does not absolve you from your responsibilities to being kind and decent to the people around you, because fuck you, bitch, we all in here together.

Yeah, Like that baby is not a simulation. There are people that walk out on their whole family. You'll be like, you a bot, you NPC. And I tell you, though, I will say this, the only thing that I that I do take away from it that I know I've done in my personal life is that this this is insane, This is you're gonna judge me, and it's fine. But almost every bad interaction I've had online, I told myself they were a bot. That's so.

WHOA When you say bad interaction, yeah, meaning you are you are going back and forth with these people and then afterwards being.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Like I'm like like if my head, I'll be like, okay, like super mean, unnecessary, not constructive, hurtful comment on my stand up that a bot. When I used to use tender and they didn't message me back, I'd be like, that's a that's about anyway, that's fine. And then and then if it's someone who I I might have met but I don't remember, I'm like, nah, that that's a bot. So someone will be messaging that I'm going back and forth with. But if we met once in Chicago, I'm like, nah, that's about you.

Got to keep you safe, you know, Yeah, don't be a bot, don't.

Be about, don't be a bitch, don't be about.

And don't let the bots keep you down. Okay, just because they know personal facts about you doesn't mean that they're real. Maybe that leaked on the internet.

You know, this is great, Josh, could you tell the people where they can find you and what cool shit you got going on?

So I'm touring right now around America and next year maybe the world. So if you are looking at catch up with me on anything, it's Josh Johnson Comedy on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. I post new sets of stand up every week, and I also have a podcast called The Josh Johnson Show that you can listen to where Logan and I tell stories about our lives and just talk about things

Hell yeah, that's all you go follow Josh. Go go listen to the podcast, join the wait list, bitch, get in line, wait.

Bitch, Bory, what you got? Cool guy? Joke City seven on Instagram, Patreon dot com, backslash David Bori go buy my special Birth of a Nation with a G or without a G. It still might come up. I don't know if you turn my name in And that's that's the most. And we're going on tour. But you're going on tour. Yeah, let's do it now.

We haven't really announced anything up to this point, but we're Bory and I are going on tour this fall. It's it's the start the Steal tour.

Yeah, I got the date, I got the dates. You onmy real Yeah, let's read some. October twelfth, Detroit at the Majestic Theater. October thirteenth, Chicago, The Den, Hollywood, California. October seventeenth at the Comedy Store City Winery in Atlanta, Georgia, October thirty first, November one, Houston, Texas at the Seeker Group. Oh this says Majestic Theater too. This was not right.

And guess what, motherfuckers, there might be some cities add it. So if you didn't hear your city named, don't email us. There's no way list and we don't want to hear from you, but we certainly will let you know if we decide to add any more to this motherfucker. But most importantly, go buy those tickets. We have a link tree up and you can follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. You can watch my special It's called Bad poetry. It's on Netflix and it's doing numbers.

Baby.

Oh it's no.

I don't know if anybody's watched it, but I'm grateful. I hope that you will. Me and the dog watched it. Oh that's all right. I like that though.

And if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to prove of which part of the matrix my dumb ass is trapped in, send it all to Mymama pod at gmail dot com. We would love to hear from you. By the merch write, subscribe, email, rate, review, raw Dog, by Bitch.

You Raggedy Bitch. My Mama Told.

Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and iHeart Podcasts.

Greet It and hosted by Langston Krek, co hosted by David Bori, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hansani and Olivia Akilon. Co produced by Bee Wayne, edited and engineered by Justin Komon, Music by Nick Chambers, artwork by dogon Kreega.

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