H2O-mosexual: Motherf*ckin Mini Episode (RE-RELEASE)

Motherfucking mini episode, mini episode, motherfucking mini ever.

So yep, yep, yep, there it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told.

Me, the podcast where we forget to download the script. So we're going off the top right now because I thought I had it open but I didn't.

Who cares, you know, who doesn't matter. None of this means anything.

You know.

What does mean something is it's a motherfucking mini episode, and that means we're diving into your bullshit. You're Shenanigans.

The stuff don't send down, kay.

I can't wait to hear what shit you've come up with this week, you son of a bitch, You fucking idiots, you fucking you're a scoundrel. I bet you went to school in the portabulls. I bet I bet you went to school on the portal and you didn't even take a hard, hard major.

You probably studied something easy and yeah, mass communications. That's that you're not a mass calm degree and be a radio fucking DJ. David good good idea.

But I don't know why I can't find a job because it's a useless degree.

Fuck base because nobody cares about exercise technology. Dumb ass, Just.

Get a trainer certificate like the rest of us.

Jesus Christ will give you. I'll give my money to a buff guy to make me buff. I don't need to know about the paperwork.

I don't need to know that you went to school to make me buff.

Just make me buff. You didn't have to go to school. You got buff. That's the one requirement he did.

That's the only thing I've ever cared about with a buff guy yelling at me, is is to your buff guy tricks? Well this derailed quickly.

Yeah, this got crazy.

Yeah it got out of hand. But you know what didn't get out of hand? Is is Today is a mini episode. We got an email from a listener who who wanted to express their their personal conspiracy theories or share at least a conspiracy theory they seem to be somewhat invested in. And this one comes to us from a person whose name Their name is Dogon. Their name is Dogon. Dogon sent us a message Uh.

D O g O n.

But at the end they they made it very clear. It's pronounced d oe dash g A w n.

Oh dogone Yeah, yeah, I got it was like dogone.

No, no, no, I think it's class.

Give me these dog gone muscles, buff guy.

I'm sick of looking like this. Buff guys. Take my hurt away, replace it with abs. Replace my hurt with abs. That's the old everybody, right, that's the difference. And don't that's that's physically true, not at all. And if they do, that's salt. That salt washes away on those sweet abs. But Dogan sent us a beautiful message, they said, Leangthston and David exclamation points. So you know this person is serious, they said, Lengthston and David, hotep and hot salami bacon.

That that sentence felt, That does not that's not a compliment. It's not what we were aiming for, not at all. I don't think it was I trying to heald the black community. No, no, I was not, but decay. I don't know that I that were decaying anything.

I don't want to be complicent in like the decline.

Yeah, come on, give us a little credit. We're keeping things neutral.

Baby.

Come on, this is a Tusky he had.

The man's wearing a Tuskegee hat, and you don't know which side he's on with the Tuskegee experiments. You know, maybe I hate it, but anyway, Uh. Dogan goes on to say, so, one of my favorite black conspiracy theories is one that I came across in a YouTube university wormhole of video suggested after I was searching for more information about Brother Polite's rape accusations.

Oh, I did not know that he had that. Yeah, I too was.

After reading this email went down a bit of a rabbit hole, and it appears he's in uh quite a pickle.

Uh.

I won't say whose pickle it is or who made it, but it certainly seems like he's He's got some trouble of brewing for him.

I guess I haven't seen him in a few years. Yeah.

Were you a big Brother Polite tracker before this? I'm a big dj vladd interview washer ish shit? Have you ever before I derail us too much? Although this this, have you ever subscribed to the theory that dj vladd is a is a FEDS?

Yeah?

It goes back and forth. I mean, it's not exactly rocket science what he's doing. These people do come on and just they're like, here's this crime that I committed.

Yeah, one hundred percent, you know what I mean, say the stuff.

And I I just don't if he's the Feds, the Feds are getting weird. I don't think that he is fed. No, No, I think he's a weird Russian dude.

Here's what bugs me is how intentional he is about not showing his face and and ever like making it clear of what he looks like. You could google though, sure of course, but but you could also google the people that have gotten in trouble from DJ blad interviews. And yet people continue to go on there and get in more trouble from DJ blad interviews. So you know,

When you see his face it matches his voice. You're a big fan.

I love how you're going to.

That's not that's not at all what I'm just I'm just saying, I'm not I'm not going listen, don't don't do that to me.

You're like, he has a voice of an angel and he's never heard anybody.

I just I respect gifted broadcasters. I also did get a gifted broadcaster and myself.

The man's a journalist, and you're not gonna sit here and play these games like he's not.

I'm just saying you Google image search dj blad and the third picture is him throwing up the w with Quincy Jones. Now, if that's not a man to be admired, I don't really.

Know who is. Yeah, that's fair, And I will also say that that he seems more like a Russian operative based off of his face, a federal agent.

That's what we need to be looking at. Is like him leaking Noriega's secrets to.

Putin sure is like is like, mister Noriega, You're in quite a bit the trouble. Anyway, DJ Vlad is apparently not a fed but in fact a Russian operative. We'll deal with that another day. But so they go on to say, my mama told me that the government is putting astrasen atras in in the water supply to make black men gay. For more context by biologist Tyrone Hayes, claims that, as you know Tyrone Hayes, you're a big fan of his work.

No, don't do that to me. I never met him. I don't know him. I don't know doctor Sebby. I hate texts.

Tyrone Hayes claims that atras in, a weed killing chemical, has been shown to feminize male frogs. Theorists claim that traces of this chemical have been found with suspiciously elevated amounts in the water supply in predominantly black neighborhoods and cities. Thus, these chemicals are put are put there with the intent of feminizing otherwise straight black men. I would love to hear your take on these absurd claims.

Oh, you want me to go first.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not gonna do it.

Okay, here's where.

You have a prepared statement, right, don't you have.

A as someone who's been claimed to be feminized many times by more masculine black men. Hey, I don't think that's a bad I think we went too hard with the masculine for a minute. And listen, I love the locks, right and whatnot. Maybe we need maybe we need to relax it a bit. Yeah, maybe we Maybe we need maybe black men need, we need a softer edge. It's like you just can't go that hard forever.

Listen. I think I think the point in which we had exceeded sort of like masculinity as a black Black Robs woe, I think is where it was like it was too much you.

Know what I mean.

It was eighty seven men just yelling woe together in the streets of New York, not a woman in sight. And somehow these were the people that we were like admiring and wanting to be like it was too much shit.

Can I give you a fun anecdote about Black Rob's Woe?

Absolutely?

Uh, My Auntie and cire leone who speaks no English, basically loves that song. I would be in I was all like sad with my discman on, and she'd be like, hey, it's not David, and she wanted me to play that song and she would just all she just would say was whoa and then she would like loves it. So it did. It did branch out. But yeah, I think the black Crop, I think the fifty. I think whenever those G Units sports bras came.

Out, Yeah, the G Unit tank tops good, I think that was the that was we had gone too far. It's so masculine that it that it becomes feminine to the point that that.

Right, like now you're wearing a bra. You didn't even know you just wanted to be in guerrilla unit.

Yeah, you were pretending that this was like a bulletproof vest tank top, but it truly is just a cute halter.

Yeah, it's a cute halter with the with the with the multi colored fringe.

Oh, come on, you look gorgeous to me.

You look amazing, bright eyes and where you going?

We are.

So hey. I do think that I do think there needs to be some feminization in general. But also do I think they're putting it in the water specific No, of course not, because have you've seen what white dudes are doing, Like, if it's in our water, it's in their commercial. These duds are here crying at medication commercials like they're going bad.

Yeah, I will say I also think that there's something a little dangerous about equating feminization and homosexuality. Those are two different things, very different things.

Good. That was a joke.

We got it our record, folks, positive, I was done in this business and it's it's on the mic.

Listen, shoot or shoot. That was a joke thing, not how I feel about anything.

But no, to that point there, it's they're not the same thing, right that, Like, I know very effeminate men who happen to have sex with women, and I also know some very like hyper masculine dudes who fuck the shit out.

Of other dudes and shout some of my gay thugs.

Shout out to some of them, and.

Not all of you, not goons, but everybody else. Sam and Giorgio used to tell me because I lived with him, he told me there's a gay thugs club in la oh whoa. He said, they're just in there with like starter jackets and pistols. But also, that's.

That's interesting because Okay, I have follow up questions, I guess, and maybe we need to get Solomon back on the pod to get as much clarity as he can provide. But but does does that mean it's exclusively gay thugs or is it like this is for the gay thugs, but anybody can show up.

I think gay thugs are like paprika, where if you put a little bit in, you're gonna know that it's in that dish. So I think maybe it was just like maybe a club where there was ten gate thugs.

That's a lot. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, there's a reason why when you go to the deli they keep your pickles separate. You know, it's gonna change the flavor of that sandwich whether you wanted it to or not.

It only takes one of those strawberry spoonfuls to turn the whole glass of milk red. That was a weird pink. That was a weird analogy. The point is like, and I think that's the least explored group. Yeah.

I don't think Gata get a lot of They don't get a lot of TV time, and when they do, it's often associated with like a type of like jail violence.

Ship.

But like.

Home Light went there, but he he didn't even really uh he wasn't even at peace in his.

Ship, you know. No, he never embraced it. He quite the opposite.

No, he just sat on the couch next to the man of his dreams. Yeah, and didn't even pursue it.

Which is crazy because like a black man bearing an emotion, I never heard of that.

Well, that's why it was such a great film, is uh, they use their imaginations.

I thought it was gonna jump start the gay thug movement, but you really didn't hear about them after that.

No, they were like, oh, he's still in the closet.

Cool. I will also stay that way from that, like, thank god, I'm not crazy.

Yeah, this motherfucker's doing it right.

Yeah he's got an old school.

Just show up to a diner at three in the morning and look at the dude. Who you who you've been fawning over for the past twenty years.

Oh man, that was really sad. Start.

Yeah, it's a hard movie, but beautiful, beautiful. Same time. I think we would be we would be remiss if we didn't bring up the fact that that famed conspiracy theorist Alex Jones made very similar arguments on his super successful podcast, not specific to black people, but more specific to the general community or the general like American populist that that they are there's an enzyme, a substance in the water that is turning the freakin frogs gay, I

I also, you also have to go into your head about so what what harm is that supposedly gonna do.

Making black men more feminine.

Yeah, I don't know, So what's like then what I think and the crimes we commit are overwhelmingly towards one another.

So yeah, I guess. And I have family members who have subscribed to to the theory that Hollywood specifically is like over exposing us to gay imagery with the intent of making black men less masculine and taking away the nuclear family. Blah blah blah blah blah. But I will say that the big fear is sort of like reducing our population, I think is what they say is ultimately

So really, what you're saying is to be socially responsible. We should all have a lot of kids.

We should, we should. Nick Cannon is the only one doing it right, you know what I mean.

I've been saying it for years.

I put it on my tombstone, Nick Airlines David Bory. Nick Cannon's the only one doing it right. It's a confusing tombstone, but it gets the message across you know.

Yeah, and then you're like, damn, this dud was one hundred and twenty.

Nick can it is still alive and he's still doing it, right, He's still coming in these ladies and making babies. Hey, good for him, man, good for Nick Cannon.

He's having a good time.

What do you think about it being in the water though, I believe, and this is something that I think I've maintained on the podcast for a long time. I do not put it past them to put something weird in our water, right, I don't necessarily believe that the sole purpose of it is femininization of any person. I think it's not that dissimilar from like yellow number five being in our mountain dew, you know what I mean?

Like they want you know, I don't do the dew.

Oh but but if you do do that, do because of the fear that like it's gonna shrink your balls and make your sperm count trash or whatever it is. But I don't believe the motherfuckers put that in with the intent on shrinking balls or reducing sperm count. I think they put it in because it made the mountain dew look more awesome. And then when they found out.

Wait wait wait, wait, wait wait wait do you like mountain dew?

It was mainly my main source of hydration for I would say two thirds of my life. And then I changed my ways. Hey, I'm sorry, man, who I fucking loved mountain dew for a long time. What's going on? Is that crazy? I loved it? It was my everything. I used to buy big gulps.

Uh.

This was back and there was a gas station by my house that had like a fake big gulp because seven eleven had branded it.

But they got like a huge yeah you get it.

I'd go and I say, hello, sir, one huge slurk please, and he say, get the fuck out.

Of my mountain dude, my man, but.

Yeah, real British, what I'm ordering a mountain do. But so this gas station not only had like the huge slurps available, but they had a free refill policy for the day. And I would get a I would wake up, I'd be there by like nine thirty ten am, fill it with mountain dew, and then refill it like twice a day before like fucking bedtime. I was drinking literally gallons of mountain dew every day. So the fact that

You know, this is this is this is wild.

Yeah, I'm sorry, bro, I'm not.

Don't be upset. Honestly, I'll tell you the truth. In my family, my own mom is.

A he's adhead.

Yeah, and I accept her. Like you know, we don't, like we take pictures together.

He put that twenty ounce down. I want to we gotta take a family photo.

I always assumed it's because she was so little that she gets, like because my mom's she's like four ten or four eleven five foot That's what I always assumed that was because it gets because it tastes bad and that color is not cool, that color looks like something it looks like, and I freeze.

I don't know what to tell you, man, it used to tastes real awesome to me.

I'ven't had you. It sounds like you still love it. You just know you can't. It's like a bad ex girlfriend. I think.

I think in a lot of ways, that's what soda is for me, Like pop soda, whatever the fuck y'all call it. It's it's it was so special to me and we we did so much together that I can't go back to it because I know it's only gonna create hurt and pain.

Wow, this is man. I don't know why I've just I guess I've always known you to seem like you're about your ship. I never I never imagined a mountain do guy.

No, my nigga, I was. I was mountain dew and honey.

You doing to do?

Yeah?

I could tell because you said that awesome color. That's what like hipped me off where I was like, wait a second, wait a minute.

He thinks that's cool. Something's gonna ry here.

Oh man, I mean if you don't take anything and I listeners, please email in and see if maybe I'm crazy for being surprised.

I actually think you're you're you're a little off base here. I think more people were and and maybe are even currently drinking mountain Dew than you think.

That's probably true. It's still being made.

Yeah, No, it's they. I don't think they took a hit in the pandemic, do you know what I mean? I don't think they're like struggling to find a new base of of I do think.

They didn't want minorities. I think they wanted us to drink sprite.

Yeah, no, that that was That was a much more like awesome, we're fucking skateboarding and thrashing. Yeah, drink and yes, Olivia. Olivia's mentioning Code red, And I do think Code Red was there sort of like nod to black people. It was no, I think absolutely, I think that was them going.

It would have been code purple. First of all, well.

They got to purple. If you've kept up with Mountain Dew, they eventually they eventually went purple. And have I tried all the flavors? Goddamn right I have.

Do you ever do a do in secret?

Now?

Like if it's just been like a rough week, baby won't stop crying, boss screaming down your neck, I like that in your head.

I'm like passed out on my couch, like just from drinking six dudes, and my wife comes down and she's like, yeah, you gotta get it together. You're fucking sick. Here's sick. It's killing our family, And like I can't, it's too delicious. I'm doing the duke.

That's exactly what it's like.

Look at you, you're fucking sick.

You got like a white beater artists on stane.

With that awesome color. We're going to stand my sisters. I can't be around you any how.

It's either me or the baby or the duke.

And I go, well, strap me to a mountain, sister, because I'm doing the dew.

I don't make it do what it do. Oh, that's so funny anyway.

And my point is that I think I think that they did not intentionally put anything in the water for the sake of necessarily harming us as much as harmful shit ends up in our water, and they're perfectly fine with whatever happens on the back.

End, right right, Yeah, I think the feminine feminization is just like, uh, but also I don't see that women are getting more feminine, So what about that? Hmmm, spit. That's the whole I realize. As soon as I started talking about it, I was like, this is this is shaky ground. Yeah.

I don't know how to prove it or disability.

I just don't like, I don't see women getting more like it doesn't seem like that to me.

Sure, It's not like they're like permanently walking on their tiptoes now, So uh, yeah, it's you're just still regular ladies. And I think men are just becoming less toxic. Maybe maybe that's what it is.

I really think we're just like acknowledging emotions and nobody knows what to do with it.

They're like this, this motherfucker gotta be gay because he keeps talking about how he made peace with his dad.

Right, I go to therapy everyone. I haven't done that dad thing, but some other good shit, some other good shit. Look at you there, that's the target I might kill. But the point is, I don't think we should be afraid of the feminization of the black man. That's all I'm saying.

So I think I agree. I think it's perfectly normal to fear the substances that they're putting in our water, and we should examine all of it and maybe start figuring out better things or safer ways to drink it. But I don't think being gay is the byproduct of of what's happening there.

I think that's as good as we can do on this.

All right, Well, I want to finish this off because Dogan also added, now that David is on the show. They said, ps, now that David is on the show, I would be honored to create an updated Afro surrealist HOTEP conspiracy inspired cover art featuring the both of you.

To the next I respect that do gone, because that's how I got every job I ever got in Hollywood. You're not gonna let a black man ride for Beavis and butt Head.

Well, let me say this. I do think we need to update the cover art. I think David is an essential member of this team now and we need to reflect that in the cover art that said, I'm not letting no intersectional motherfucker do it.

Uh.

You said that, you heard it, You heard it out of his mountain dew stained lips.

Take your intersectional ass to the intersectional welfare line where you belong as far as I'm concerned. No, that's very lovely of you, Dogon, and we would we would love to see your work. It would be lovely. All right, we did it. Could you tell the people where they can find you and what cool shit you have going on?

Ah?

You can find me on Instagram at cool Guy Jokes eighty seven Fadedcomedydenver dot com. If you want to come out to my monthly showcase in Denver only having black and brown headliners from across the country, people that I really love and bringing them to Denver because sometimes it's hard. And then you know, just you know, I'm on some shit.

Torry about me, yes, and I'll be headlining that and where our dates were very wrong on that that weekend that I think I'm supposed to be doing it. I think it's nine to sixteen that I'm heading to Denver.

To that makes sense? Find that Oh you know what that is? Right? Because nine fifteen I'm doing an hour at Theollsian in Los Angeles and then I'm flying back to Denver for the Langston show.

Hell yeah, we're trading places and then not we'll be there together.

But please go and place is together.

Go see David headline The Allegion, and then go see us go somewhere together out in Denver for a Faded comedy and as always, you can follow me at Langston Kerman on all the platforms, and if you want to send us your own conspiracy theories, your drops, your emails, your accusations of not being inclusive enough, please send it to Mymama pod at gmail dot com. We would love to hear from you. Otherwise, that's it, Bye, bitch, motherfucking.

Mini your soul many years so, motherfucking Mini, yoursel, motherfucking Mini, yoursel miniyearsis, mother fucking Mini. Eear a soul