Hey, my mama told me listeners, you thought you were gonna get a mini episode today, didn't you. Well, you're not. Langston and I are busy out on the floor iide and barber side tour, but we didn't want to leave you all hanging. First of all, you should be checking us out on the road in the city near you.
Second of all, check out this clip of Big Money Players Network's newest podcast, Bombing with Eric Andre, where stand up comedian Eric Andre talks with his friends about bombing on stage at life and what crazy things they've seen on tour. I was a guest on this week's episode, and man, do I have some stories to tell you, from bombing in Las Vegas on Christmas to witnessing a geriatric thresome and a Laquinta in You can listen to
the first half of the episode here. Before the full version, go subscribe to Bombing with Eric Andre wherever you listen to podcasts. Lastly, if you haven't by now, subscribe to Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts. There you'll get an extended bonus clip of me and Eric talking about stories from sier Leone, Denver and much more. Plus add free episodes Bombing with Eric Andrey.
David Bori in the house.
Man, I miss you. How are you all right?
So I got a podcast.
You have a podcast.
It's called Bombing Bombing. We are here with one of my favorite comedians. We toured together. He's written for the Eric Andre Show, the Voice of Comedy Central, the sex symbol, he's the body of an Adonis and the ass of mccullay cocaine. Yeah, David Bori, everybody, he first of all, your name is spelled g b oh r I E. Did I get it right? But the G is silent?
Silent?
How bad have people fucked up and mispronounced your name? Give me like a little what do you? What do you get?
My high school football coach, he said orgy, which is like you can't read. Yeah, he was like rage. It was the first day of weightlifting and he was like the borgy orgy and it's like you can't read, Like that's the problem, not my orgy.
It's crazy, especially when.
You're a virgin, you can't live up to that. Thank god. I went to a different school next year. I had never even I think I'd seen a boob, and then you call me orgy. I can't live like that.
All right, what is the worst you've ever bombed on stage?
This is so funny that you because I was telling Olivia, your producer, also the producer from my MoMA told me, Oh, I was telling her. I just got off of my worst bombing weekend of my entire career, Christmas weekend in Las Vegas. It was it was what happened, dog, It's just like it just got so much worse, like it started Christmas Eve eve.
So what was the venue? What was it? What was it? Give us some context?
Was this, I don't want to say in a venue?
Okay, give us like the type of venue. Were you playing a casino? Are you playing a theater? Was it a room?
Was it was like off of a strip mall next to the casino?
It was a theater? Or what was it? Comedy club?
It was a it was a comedy club, high high ceilings, comedy club, crowd far far away, and it was the type of people who were in Las Vegas on Christmas.
Yeah, that's a tough crowd.
And I bomb like so I start on Thursday night and I bombed consecutively worse, Oh, every show, every single fucking show, And I tried to go, so like two a night, three at night. Everyone, Oh my god, that's a night. That's purgatory. That's a black Marror episode.
Dog.
And then I had to go to sleep, wake up, go to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, and face that ship again and again.
God, what was the talent? What was like the producer or whatever the booker saying to you.
They don't even give a ship because it's Vegas. They just these people were going to be here any It's not about putting on a good show. It's just having them go somewhere for an hour and a half so they don't gamble.
Were you with any other comedian that you could commiserate with and be like, oh, this is horrible.
Yeah. I was with Steve Aj, Stephen AJ, my fellow Gian brother.
This isn't Steve ag no, no, no, this is this is Stephen Aj.
Yeah, and he also was bombed.
So were you guys just like halfway through it like this is hell on Earth?
Yeah? It was, because it was like every night you bomb and then they let you loose on Las Vegas to like think about it. Yeah, but it's also Christmas Eve. Yeah, so now it's like Christmas Eve in Vegas. You're in a piano bar, and Hara's just like thinking about everything you've ever done wrong.
It's like the saddest Christmas all the time. Christmas it's so much work. Piano's bombed in February. You want to give a ship?
Yeah no, but Christmas Eve, I'm just like trying to do the math of like what time can I call my mom and have her not worried that I'm doing. It's better as I am right now, But it.
Was so did you have to do an hour?
I had to do forty five? Yeah, forty five? Forty five?
Sorry? Described the crowd to us? What's the crowd like? Give us a paint us a picture?
Couples where one of them had kids and one didn't, and those kids were out of state.
I don't even know how to respond to that. What does that mean?
It's people who would go to Las Vegas for Christmas talk?
So is that like like Jimmy Buffett parent had white people or is it like.
No, It's like it's like it's like people.
Who are they troubled?
They were happier than I was to be there, which is odd. But I haven't even told you the worst or two parts of it?
Okay, God go ahead, Okay.
The worst part was like one night I ran into the arms of a sex worker. That was the only way I thought it could get better. It did not get better. So then I wake up on Christmas.
You ran into the arms of the sex worker. It's such a beautiful poetic way of saying I bought a hooker for no.
Because it gets so much deeper because we didn't actually have sex. It was very complicated.
Well that's conceptual, is it.
It sounds sad. So then I wake up on Christmas. Christmas is our last show. We only have to do one show on Christmas. And I'm like, all right, just one show and then I'm free. Lord, I was going to Hawaii the next day. I was like, I'm free. We're gonna be okay, I'll be okay, right, I wake up, I'm doing my thing. The club owner calls me on Christmas Day. He's like, hey, Lunell missed her flight, and I was like, I don't know what that has to do with me. Oh no, he wanted you to do more.
Lunell does the late show every Sunday night at this show, and it's on Christmas and she missed her flight and he's like, you want to just do it? I was like, And then he talks about the pay.
And I'm like, Okay, the pay was good.
The whole reason I was even there was because the pay was incredible.
Yeah, yeah, right. Money changes the conversation.
Which is no. But this is what it locked into me, is like, now I'm like, I'm never doing this ever again. I'm never doing comedy just for money. This is the worst. So it's Lunell's crowd on Christmas. They don't tell anybody that she's not gonna make it until people start showing up for the show. No. In between shows, the club owner comes up and he's like, people are fucking freaking out downstairs. Have to figure out they want their money back.
Fuck.
So the people who stayed are people who are so pissed, but they refuse to get a refund. And they wanted Lunell and it's me. They wanted Lunell on Christmas and it's me. It's me, you hear me, It's me. I got know Lunelle. And then the club owner starts getting crazy, like kind of racist, like he takes me and Steve aside He's like, listen, just so you guys know it's an urban show, so just you don't Just.
My brother, he was like Luell.
She never holds back. Just just just let it go.
Baby, somebody who has never done comedy once.
Bro and then so and then yeah, her opener made it so, her opener was there. And then I had to headline Munell's show on Christmas for a bunch of old black aunties who were pissed.
Oh my god, did I wasn't Now, how'd you do?
Well? Thank god a guy was wearing a wife beater because I got to be like, are you wearing a wife beater? And his wife was like yeah over then I got twenty five minutes out of that.
That was just saving grace.
Yeah. I made him stand up and spin around.
And you're just grabbing at straws the whole weekend. It was never We're just doing crowd work at one point where you're like my jokes, they don't want my jokes.
Yeah. I never got any traction ever. They never liked me, they were never into it. I never understood what they were doing there. They never understood what I was doing there.
Did you just feel like you wanted to quit doing stand up comedy at the end of it. Yeah, where you're like, I'm gonna paint houses the rest of my life.
Yeah. I went to Hawaii like the day afterwards, and I was like, I might just not come back. I was like trying to figure it out in my head. I was like, no, you got other things you do. You can you can make money some other way, Like you don't have to.
The thing is we have no we have no comics, have no other life skill.
No, bro, I can't build anything.
I'm useless. I'm fucking like a useless skill set. If this ends, there's nothing.
What am I gonna do?
There's nothing.
I haven't had a real job in fifteen years.
There's nothing entry level. I would have to I would have to deliver pizzas.
I would have to do that entry doc. Yeah.
Yeah, I'd be temping living pizzas, going up to a construction site with a hammer, Like, hey, I could fucking hammer some nails and be fucking that. I would get fired from that.
I couldn't even do that. I'd have to like go get their lunches.
I would just like break both my legs and collect disability or something. I would just have somebody steamroll over my foot.
Yeah, what are you gonna do tomorrow? This saends tomorrow.
Chop off a couple of toes, be like, yeah, I got diabetes, just collect disability.
Did you ever have a job you were get at besides this? Never?
I was the worst employee. I was so fucking incompetent, lazy, had no I was useless. I was useless every job I ever had. Yeah, like I fired all the time.
Lectured, Yeah, I got fired alive.
I waited table. I lied when I first moved to New York. And I told the guy I was twenty one years old. And I told the guy that I waited table since I was fourteen. Total lie. And he's like, all right, well start waiting tables. And I was like, oh how do you do that? I was dropping plates. I was burning myself. I was eating food off the customer's thing when like they would like beat in the bathroom and the other waiters like you can't do that, man.
I was like, I'm so hungry, bro, I'm fucking starving. I was horrible. And then the guy that the boss came in a few days later he goes, oh, my waiter said you look pretty nervous out there, and you wanted to just start as a busboy, and I had some weird ego about it. I was like, fuck, no, man, I'm a waiter till I d I E and then I quit and I was like so broken, hungry, and I was like why did I just say that? And
I'm like, I'm not a waiter, I'm a liar. Yeah, no, I should have just bus tables, Like I'm a fucking idiot.
The only job I ever had, I was good at working at the gas station.
You worked at a gas station.
But I also let all my friends steal. Really I worked at like four different gas stations in like two different states.
Yeah, you see any crazy shit, You see any brawls at a gas station or anything?
Or was a mellow not really brawls, But like, I did work overnight, so I just see a lot of weird people getting out. There was a bar next door called Finoogis, and you would just see weird people getting out of the bar late at night, clearly driving like drunk.
This is rural Colorado, correct, this is like Aurora.
It's not that rural like the suburbs.
I interviewed the Beastie Boys one time and I asked them, I think it was an ad Rock Dead responding, I go, what's the craziest thing you guys grew up in New York City. What's the crazy thing you ever saw on the subway? And he said he saw two Hasidic dudes French kissing deep French kissing on them on the subway the middle of the day. I was like, that's a mind blowing just two rabbis going out at it.
It's like a poster in your art school girlfriend's apartment.
I was like, it's kind of like a Eric Andre show bit. Can I borrow that from those.
In some type of blasphemy? Like if you do that, they won't let you get buried somewhere. I'm sure.
Yeah? Worth it? So any other bombing stories, any other things that you like.
So there was this one. There was this one open mic that I was at in San Francisco at this place called the Brainwash that Isn't bear anymore. It was like a laundry mat slash open mic.
Oh, it sounds like a great venue.
Oh that's where I started. Maybe. It was like there was this guy and he was like bugging the host to get up, bugging the host to get up, and the host was like, fuck you man, I'm not putting you up, and the guy just kept bugging him up, bugging him, and finally the host puts him up, and the guy just starts eating shit. And it's only five minutes, right, yeah, but he's just eating a bag of Dixie's so terrible. Yeah, he decides to turn on the host and start making fun of the host.
Oh no, the.
Hoast grabs a knife and tries to stab him. What. Yeah, that was pretty great. And then everybody like grabbed the host and like carry him outside.
The host had a knife and was ready to commit on the side.
No, he didn't have a knife. He like grabbed it. It was like one of those silk they were walked because it was like laundry mat slash bar slash. They serve food to.
A laundry mat that served food and beer and like booze.
Yeah, and they had pitball shit.
What kind of magical laundry mat is this?
Ah Soma?
If anybody here you could wash your clothes and and do and and drink.
And watch open my comedy. It was really great.
So he grabbed a knife from the kitchen well like.
From the counter, like they had the uh you know, they had the thing where they keep all the silverwear in like I think they had just got.
He grabbed like a butter knife.
He grabbed them. He grabbed a butter knife, and it was like trying to go and then everybody like carried him outside.
That's like a Michelle Gondry music video.
Yeah, it was great.
I was in a laundry matt doing my clothes, but I was also doing stand up, but I was also there was also a restaurant and a bar, and then people were fighting with butter knives.
It was really great. I missed those old days of stand up when it was scary.
Yeah, they're fucking rap. They were hell, but they were like they made us men.
Yeah that's just sad.
Yeah, that's kind of like, Yeah, it's not as you can always go back to those shows. Those shows still exist, Yeah, but you it's.
Like I don't even move the way that I used to. I was like back then, I was supposed to be in that room. Now it's like a weird.
It's a weird feeling going back to those it's a weird sadness going back to those room you feel like something is terribly wrong.
Yeah, I don't sleep on a couch anymore. I'm not excited about the potential of what's gonna happen anymore.
I went to uh Columbus, Ohio one time to do a gig. It was it was at a small venue. It felt like almost like a sports bar. But they had a stage. I had a proper stage and a mic, and they did book me like they flew me out. They paid me like a decent check. And I don't know. I think this is like right before the air Gonder Show started. But I'm on stage and I'm doing well. I wasn't bombing. I was on stage just all college kids. The place is packed. Maybe it was like season one
of the air Gun Show. I'm not sure place is packed. I'm doing well. There's this super drunk white girl in the front and like front row texting the whole time, talking oblivious to me on stage, oblivious of the gesus part of a show. And I'm like trying to like roaster plightly to be like, hey, I'm in the middle of work right now, sweetie, can you shut the fuck up?
Like doing like little things like that, like playfully like trying to get her to shut the fuck up, but she won't, and she's being belligerent and texting, and I go, give me your phone and she's like, okay, okay, And then I grabbed her phone. I looked up mom in her contacts and I texted. I texted her mom, Mom, I've always had a thing for dad. And the crowd erupts like oh shit, and I'm like and I was like, I'm gonna hold your phone up here until your mom
starts responding. Her mom starts responding crazy shit, I'm running back shit. And then I give her her phone back, thinking like that you've been reprimanded. Now you can you can do damage control with your mom. You can say that, you know, that's her opportunity to be like, oh, comedian, grab my phone and he's fucking with you. And then she was so drunk, I don't think she processed anything that happened, and she just kept blabbing away and kept
being fucking annoying. So it's like, God, damn it. So I give you your phone and I go, hey, everybody, I'm going to pass this phone around. Let's pass it around the whole audience and just text any text her mom, text her dad, text anybody in her phone anything you want, and like hundreds of kids got access to her phone and texted god knows what. I have no idea what the kids did amazing. Then the phone, the phone got back to her and she's kind of like in and out,
and then she's like grabs her phone. She starts looking at it, and I see her turn like bugs bunny thermometer, red with anger, with like drunken anger, and like just like inhaling all the fucking foul texts these college kids are probably sending to like every one of her friends
and family and anyone in her phone. Ex boyfriend's, old bosses, people she currently works with, who knows, who knows what Jieva Yeh, Gimon pop Pop, Like, yeah, I'll just like just the fucking heinous debris that these people, these the vitriol that whatever. I have no idea. I'm not responsible entirely for what they said, but like just heinous cribes
against humanity. So I see her just reacting to all these incoming ship on her phone and then she just and then I just go back and I'm like kind of clocking it out of the corner of my eye and I just go back to my set, like, hey, what's up with the dublibitty blue or whatever. Then she just jumps on stage and sings like a big haymaker at me, and I like whoa and like matrix tight sheet out of the way. She almost punched me right in the face, and then I'm like looking at security,
like help help me. And then like some college kids just kind of like dragged her out real security because yeah, it wasn't yeah. I was like the security didn't even help. They were like cracking up in the background. They're like, this guy's crazy.
Man.
I was like, no, help me out right now, and I had some like eighteen year old kids like help me out. So like the kids like kind of like dragged her out, and then finally security came in dragged her out, and I was like what the fuck? And but like the crowd is erupted at this point. It was actually a really good set, and the crowd's erupted, and I kind of ended early after that. I was like, there's not really any jokes I can do after this.
I can't go back to like be like she Game of Thrones or whatever the fuck, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I was like, the set's gonna be short, but whatever, I'm going out on a high. And then as I'm leaving the venue, she's outside in the hallway and I'm like, oh fuck, and she looks at me like none of that ever even happened, and she was like, we som can I get a sound fanling you? And I was like really, it's like her brain just control all deleted everything.
And she was like, why's up.
She's like, I had a great time, did do and like no anger? She was just like, whoa, that was fun, Like comedy, That's what a comedy show is. Like, I was like, didn't I just like destroy your life fifteen ways?
Everybody said that you were trying to blow your brother? And now she's just like.
Hey, yeah, She's just like that was fun. Comedy shows are crazy with Eric Andrey.
That's it. Go subscribe and listen to the full episode at Bombing with Eric andre You idiots.