Joe Wilkinson has always wanted a professional footballer to be his mate. Step forward Patrick Bamford, who has signed up to this podcast to work out if the pair really can become true friends. Joe is a lifelong Gillingham supporter and wants to discover what it takes to play the game at the highest level because you can't support a friend without understanding what they've gone through and the challenges they face. Pat has agreed to answer any question that Joe thinks of so they will cover plenty of ground and you get to hear insight and stories from inside the dressing room at a professional football club as the two hosts get to know each other by spending time together recording this podcast.
The tables are turned in this special one-off episode where Pat interviews Joe and hears from Ricky Gervais and Katherine Ryan about the worlds of comedy and stand-up. They tell Pat the best and worst parts of the job, Joe reveals whether fellow comedians are supportive for newbies and peers on TV panel shows and Pat learns all about what ‘eating the floor’ means, plus why Joe still feels bad for friend and fellow comedian Russell Howard.
An episode about Tony Pulis and other managers gets sidetracked with chat about the topical art of set pieces after Arsenal and Mikel Arteta’s recent successes. Pat reveals how much managers pay attention to them in training, how routines are devised and what happens when they go badly wrong during a game. Plus there’s another 5-a-side question that Joe poses which causes much hilarity for them both.
Joe discusses the remaining staff roles at a football club to see which one he fancies including: fitness coaches, ball boys, security guards, bus drivers and analysts. Pat reveals what it’s like being a ball boy who’s been given tactical instructions from a manager, how security guards get involved with tunnel bust-ups and stopping fireworks plus there’s a frank admission about the varying levels of fitness in a squad of elite players.
Luke Ayling drops into the pod with Joe and Pat to discuss a storied career that began at Arsenal before ending up under Michael Carrick at Middlesbrough and reveals why he loves playing for the former Manchester United midfielder. Ayling is known as ‘Bill’ so tells Joe why he adopted that nickname, why Pat was known as a ‘Trojan’ after he joined Leeds and how Thierry Henry ‘ended’ his Arsenal career, plus how Pep’s inverted full backs makes the game more complicated for him as a right back....
The power is in the hands of the listeners for this episode - everything is on the table as Pat’s promised to answer any question that Joe selects. Today the pair discuss why the man had a pair of bolt cutters on him when he got caught up in the ‘Spygate’ scandal, who decides how a team travels to an away game and what it’s really like in the dressing room after a teammate has made a high-profile mistake.
Joe decides what role he would most like to take on after hearing all about the club chef as Pat reveals all the details about the club canteen. Chef Alex details the best and worst parts of his job, Joe can’t get on board with some of the footballer’s dinner choices and Pat reveals the cost of food is taken from players' salaries. Plus the pair discuss Pat making the trip to the New Forest to see wild horses, Peppa Pig and big cats.
Pat pauses Joe’s search for a role at Leeds and invites his (other) friend Kalvin onto the pod to chat about Pep, dealing with abuse and the move to Ipswich. Kalvin takes great delight in analysing Joe’s free kick, reminisces about playing in the Euros and enjoys Joe being thrown under the bus after Pat reveals details of their conversation before the pod was recorded. To listen on most smart speakers just say “ask BBC Sounds to play My Mate's a Footballer”
Joe continues his search for a role at Pat’s football club, Leeds United, and this week the pair investigate the jobs of Press Officer and Receptionist. Pat reveals how the media team react when a player says something they shouldn’t and what actually happens in ‘media training’. Joe discusses how intimidated he usually is by receptionists but learns why that might not be the case at a football club.
Patrick attempts to find Joe a role on the staff at Leeds United following his unsuccessful attempt at becoming a free-kick specialist at the age of 49. This was supposed to be an episode about a number of different jobs but Joe became slightly obsessed with the job of a kit man so ends up setting Pat some homework for the next episode to help him discover more roles appropriate for a stand-up comedian and actor.
What is it like for a young player in the cut-throat world of football? On this episode Pat reveals what it was like for players at the tender age of 15 coming through today. Once the microphone issues are sorted, Joe finds out about the role of YouTube in educating footballers and the types of initiations younger players have to go through before making a first-team appearance.
Joe wants to discuss all the equipment that footballers use in their job and develops his obsession with boots to find out what a ‘boot deal’ actually means. There’s a surprising fact about footballs and Pat reveals what it’s like at a club when a new kit is launched plus he also reveals who has the best pitch in England.
Patrick and Joe discuss what happens on a pre-season tour with a Championship club. Alongside the inevitable fitness work, Joe is pleased to hear there’s also time to let off some steam including a squad go-karting competition (apologies Willy Gnonto) and playing pranks on your teammate’s room involving a fish.
After the first game of the season Pat and Joe discuss the mind games involved in playing football which include putting off an opponent before they take a penalty.
Joe reunites with Pat to discuss his wedding, the next England manager and how best to switch off on holiday before the season starts again. Pat checks out Joe’s credentials for one of football’s biggest jobs and Pat realises there’s some alarming common ground shared by his mum and Joe.
Pat and Joe get together for one last pod before the summer tournament kicks off where Joe (hypothetically) puts Pat in charge of England after imagining Gareth Southgate has the runs. They discuss who should start and whether footballers can enjoy tournaments like these as a fan or whether it’s a busman’s holiday.
Pat is back from his stag do in Marbs and Joe is delighted to share the goss and see the photos including which music legend he was forced to dress as. After those frivolities, the pair discuss how the Leeds players reacted to play-off defeat and Pat reveals what it’s like to face Cristiano Ronaldo in the tunnel as an opponent.
Patrick and Joe talk about injuries and the lengths that a player and their club goes to get them fit. Joe finds out about players being injured at a football club, what equipment they use and if there's a special camaraderie amongst those in the treatment room. We also find out which smelly vegetable a former teammate used to treat his injury and what it's like when a player has to retire early because of injury. Oh, and Joe reveals that a friend of his thinks Pat is beautiful.
Patrick and Joe talk about the qualities that make a good manager, if you can be friends with a manager outside of football and if it’s possible for a manager to be both feared and loved. Joe finds out from Pat what kind of player he is; an arm round the shoulder or if he needs a few harsh words from the gaffer to perform and Pat reveals which English superstar he’s been texting recently and Joe declares his love for a Man City winger.
Joe and Patrick are reunited the day after Leeds thumped Norwich to make the Championship playoff final. Pat waxes lyrical about the atmosphere at Elland Road as Joe reveals the rather bleak setting where he watched the game and wants to find out if footballers get overtime when their club has a playoff run. Pat describes his injury frustration and his hope of making the trip to Wembley as well as giving some sage advice for his teammates about playing at the home of English football.
A Message From Patrick and Joe
After a brief hiatus, Joe and Pat are reunited to discuss pressure and the birth of Pat’s second child. The work/life balance of a football manager is assessed as Jürgen Klopp looks to take time away from the game and Pat discusses Kalvin Phillips' time at West Ham.
Joe has regretted mentioning this ever since the first episode of the podcast, but now let’s all find out whether Joe Wilkinson could actually become a set-piece specialist. You’ll hear how he embraces getting into the full kit, trying to play mind games with the Leeds United goalkeeper who he’s about to face and Patrick reveals the surprise for Joe that he believes will become the ideal motivator as he attempts to score 5 free kicks past Karl Darlow.
After recording almost an entire series of a pod together, Joe and Patrick finally meet in the flesh at the Leeds training ground where the stage is set for Joe to take a free kick. First though, he gets free rein to wander around the building speaking to whoever he bumps into and asking the kit man questions like: “What do you mean you melted everyone’s trainers?”
Pat gets grilled on his recent handball, VAR and developing the ‘dark arts’ of football in another episode where Joe puts some of your questions to him. Rotherham fans can treat this as a confessional whilst everyone else can enjoy this final episode before Joe has to take a free kick at the Leeds’ training ground, and it’s fair to say he’s still quite stressed about it.
After receiving hundreds of messages, Patrick and Joe open the floor to your questions. For some reason Patrick's agreed to answer anything Joe asks on behalf of the listeners, so expect the hosts to tackle such burning and contentious issues as “what’s your favourite dinosaur?”. We also discover what non-footballing things players think about when they're on the pitch, and how Patrick really feels about his FIFA avatar.
What's the difference between a press and a counter-press? Route one and possession football? Counter-attacking and parking the bus? Patrick nobly attempts to explain these football tactics to a bemused Joe. We also learn what style Patrick most enjoys playing and watching, how managers prepare tactically in the week before a game, and how Marco Bielsa could predict exactly how every match would play out.
Joe is very excited to learn exactly what goes on inside a dressing room and covers everything from the food on offer to the best facilities in the Premier League. Patrick tells us how a mix-up at an airport resulted in the least glamorous trip ever taken by a football team on a private jet and debates with Joe whether flapjacks or bananas are better.
Joe finds out what life is like for Patrick when he’s not focused on football including how to choose where to live and whether he’s contractually allowed to ride a motorbike. Pat reveals a gross misjudgement on his choice of accommodation whilst on loan and how he’s transformed his garage.
After being distracted in the original episode about landmark moments (thanks to an unusual fantasy football team name), the lads reconvene to discuss more important moments from Pat’s career. You’ll hear how a player gets called up for England for the first time, which players were the most welcoming, demanding and vocal in Gareth Southgate’s squad and which defender is the most horrible opponent in the Premier League.
Patrick opens up to Joe about everything he’s invested in to help deal with the pressures of football in terms of nutrition, being physically fit and being mentally strong. Part of Pat’s team immediately makes Joe want to become a footballer (again) but when the consequences of playing under pressure are laid bare, it almost becomes too much to handle.
