Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia (Part 1): The Secret to a Stronger Relationship - That No One Talks About

was back in. I think we all want to be loved for who we are and not loved for what we achieve.

and Greg Kilberger. Today we're joined by Jay Shetty and his incredible wife, Roddy dev Lukia You may think you know Jay from his number one podcast, but Arti is giving us a whole new look at the side of him.

We hear from their life partners, their friends, the people who know them best. And we're beyond lucky because Jay is joined today by his incredible wife, Roddi de Vlukia. She is a nutritionist. She is a best selling author of joy Full She is the host of her own podcast, A Really Good Cry. I love that title. She's a powerful force for wellness, for conscious living, and for joyful cooking. Welcome to you.

just to stay out of trouble. And when I was doing that service, I was asked to show a woman around who was around my mom's age, with different chores and different practices at the temple. I'd never been asked to do this before. This was the first time I showed her around. She was very sweet, and then at the end of it, she said to me, I have a daughter that i'd love to introduce to spirituality and meditation.

And I said, well, I'm going to become a monk, so I can introduce her to my younger sister who's also involved in the community, and why don't you bring her in? And so you know, that week she brought her in and it happened to be my wife's mom, and Raley was her daughter who came in and I introduced Radi and my sister, and I remember seeing Rally and thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I thought, no, no, no, focus, focus, focus is going to become a monk, and so I kind of

like shut it out. And then when I came back from the monastery, Radi and my sister had become best friends, and so my sister was our matchmaker. So that's how we met, and then how I knew she was the one.

and that's what makes them the one. And I really believe that it's quite naive to think when you meet someone, or when you move in with someone, or when you marry someone, that this is going to be the person you're with for three or four or five decades in today's world, and so for me, I know that Radi's the one because she invents every day today more than

even when we started. And that's something that I can only discover today, and I couldn't have known twelve years ago when we first got together, and nine years ago when we got married, I couldn't have possibly known that. And so I hope that freezes people up from this pressure and expectation that I've got to find this person on day one and know that they're going to be

perfect and the person. When I probably would have said that twelve years ago if you asked me, like, I found the one, I know it now when I look back, I'm like, no, I'm I'm lucky. She's proved me right, but she very easily could have proved me wrong. And so I'm very grateful that she's, you know, stood by me through so many ups and downs and so many incredible journeys that we've been on.

another language. And so it was kind of changing a lot of narratives in my mind of what I expected to see when my mom was like, oh, I want to introduce you to this monk. So I think I

was readjusting to my expectations. And then I mean I started going to his classes and hearing him speak about spirituality, and honestly, I think I felt in awe of him through watching him in those spaces and in the community, and you know, I ended up being an observer of him rather than a friend at the beginning, because we didn't really have a friendship or a relationship at all

when we first met. So it was quite nice seeing him in his own environment doing something that he loved and so at first it was almost like he had He felt like a teacher and a guide more than he felt like someone that I was thinking I could be with. But then when I became friends with his sister and she kept telling me all these amazing things about him, I was like, Oh, he's so sweet and they have the sweetest relationship he you know, he is like a father figure to her, and she loves him

so much. And I thought, well, someone who's got that relationship with their sister, and usually your sibling has the best and worst things to say about you, And she just loved him so much. And so there was moments where you know, I kept saying to I was like, you know, I think every like your brother, and she was like, you can't. He's going to be a monk for the rest of his life. I leave him alone.

She was like, I need you to leave him, please. Yeah, please, I'm just telling you he wants to be a monk forever. So yeah, I kind of gave up on that idea. And so as soon as he came out from being a monk and we got to know each other, we both just realized how how right we ended up being about each other, as he said, And it was a nice surprise because it could have gone both ways.

I fell in love with the writings of Dr Martin Luther King. I fell in love with Malcolm X. I fell in love with Dwayne the Rock Johnson and David Beckham.

So my reading, my reading spectrum was fairly wide, but I was reading the biographies and autobiographies and writings of all of these individuals, and so there were pop culture icons like David Beckham and Draine the Rock Johnson, and then these incredible history oracle figures to me in Martin Luther King and in Malcolm X. And that really truly became the basis of the advice in my life. I really really believed that I associated with these people through

their writing. I really believed that they became my wise advisors. They became my board of directors, and they became the people that I turned to in times of difficulty because they'd been through so much so much more than i'd ever even have to fathom going through. And so there felt to be an incredible strength in that. And I think because my dad was fairly aloof and disconnected from me when I was young, it really gave me a

freedom to look for that. And now I look back, and I didn't know this then, but I assume I was looking for male role models at the time, more people that I could hold onto. So it's no surprise that all the books I was reading were men. And at the same time, my monk teachers, who I really do see as father figures to me as well, have become incredible pillar in my life. And I'm really grateful

to my dad for that. You know, I think a lot of people may feel that if their parents are slightly disconnected or aloof, it can be a bad thing. For me, it was great. I got to become the man I wanted to be. I got to build an image of who I wanted to be, and I got to choose the people that I really aspired to learn

from and gain from and gain insight from. And so those individuals, whether it was reading about how David Beckham on a Friday night would tie a car tire in the top hand corner of a goalpost and practice taking free kicks while all his friends were out drinking and

partying and all the rest of it. Or whether it was talking about drained the Rock, Johnson's challenges with depression and finding himself, or whether, of course it was the incredible work of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. It was just fascinating to gain insight from what I believe to be some of the most powerful, incredible and beautiful people who walked the earth.

to community, whether it was in the refugee camp. She was one of the first people to start cooking in the kitchen for the community because they weren't used to eating the food from from the UK. They wanted to eat food that was part of their culture. And so my grandma got in the kitchen and she was cooking for everyone. Even when she had nothing, she was still

doing things for other people. And so I think that's been a thread of all I've seen her do, and not ever have I seen a moment of resentment through doing it. And you know, I always think about, you know you're doing too much or beyond your capacity when you start becoming resentful or feeling like you deserve something back for doing what you've been doing. But my Grandma, I've never seen. She's ninety one now and she is

still the most joyful, content like self. Content human that I I've met, and I honestly think it's because she gave with zero expectation throughout her life and certain situations put her into a into a moment where she had to do that whether she wanted to or not, but it became part of her. And so I think that watching her has wanted like has made me want to do the same for people around me. And you know, also her deep spiritual practice, like my grandma speaks to

God more than she speaks to humans. And I don't say that lightly. She spends more hours of her day in prayer speaking to God than she does actually interacting with humans, at least for the past ten years that I've seen. She wakes up in the morning at like three point thirty in the morning, She's praying till nine am. She's then back in prayer by two pm till three o'clock, back in prayer again from six pm till eight pm, and then again in the evening before she goes to bed.

And so I think you can only really give that two people when you've when you've given yourself that deeper connection to God or the universe that's empowering you to be able to actually give to others in that capacity. So those are just a couple of the things, but yeah, so many things, and my mum and my dad both emulate that same nature too.

felt normal. And you kind of assume everyone's going through those things, and so I think we all walk around thinking that everyone should understand us because they went through the same thing and the truth is we don't understand each other because we went through very different things. And until you meet someone who's gone through something that you can connect with or resonate with, it's really hard to

reconcile it. I think for me, a big part of it was that I grew up in a home that I mediated my parents' marriage, and I would say that that was the most challenging thing growing up because I didn't wake up to a great environment and I think for me that made me who I am today, and so I have a lot of gratitude for that and

appreciation for that. But I think a lot of people see me and the work I do today, and they often see the marriage I have with my wife today in our connection and relationship, and it comes from just having a long list of what not to do. And so I think often in life you could get an amazing experience, and when you get that, you should write down everything you should do, and sometimes you're going to get a really painful experience, and in that you should

write down everything you should never do. And so so partly what I'm grateful to have today is a list of what not to do in a relationship. And I'm very grateful that I got those lessons and those messages because they allowed me to really be conscious about who I wanted to be, what I wanted to build, how I wanted to grow. And so that was very very early on in my life, and I really believe that today.

The reason why I have the ability to listen to people and their pain, and why I feel empathetic and compassionate to pretty much all experiences is because I remember doing that for my parents. I remember listening to my mom for hours and hearing her challenges and recognizing that they were real. And I remember listening sitting to my dad for hours and recognizing his challenges and that they were real. And what it taught me was to look beyond the person and find context to how they became

that way. And I think this is what we often don't think. We think, why are you that way? But we don't ask the question, how did you become that way? Or what happened to you that that's where you are today?

And I think that's a better question. And I think when I started to look into the past of my parents, I started to notice so much more information and experiences and pain and stress that they'd been through that had made them that way, and so I felt very grateful to be loved by both of them, and to this day feel my mother's unconditional love in the most special way.

But being there for both of them was a really interesting challenge growing up that it's why I do what I do for a living today, So I'm not mad about it.

I was whether it was like me doing my homework late. My sister would stay up late and help me whether any part, any decision I would make, my mom would help me make it. You know, I really wasn't used to doing things for myself or by myself, and so when we moved to New York, I also had been studying for a long time, only to move with Jay to have a spouse visa where I couldn't work, And so I found myself in a weird position of just feeling lost and having to get to know myself in

ways that I never had before. I was able to hide behind the work I did, or my family or the community I was part of, and all of that was kind of stripped away from me to only come to realize I absolutely did not know myself at all. I didn't know how to choose colors of things that I liked. I didn't know how to make decisions for myself.

I didn't know whether I wanted something or didn't. And so it became this journey that of just starting to learn about who I actually was, Like I grew up just thinking I wanted what my family wanted or I liked what my sister liked. Because I didn't spend the time to really get to know what my wants or needs were. And so I spent a lot of my time in New York walking around, well one crying, crying down the streets, which seemed really normal in New York,

no one seemed to care. And then having to do some seriously deep work of figuring out what is it that I like and dislike and want in my life. And so I'd say that took a lot of healing because I had to also unlearn things that I had I thought that I knew about myself based on other people, and I had to realize that those were all views from others and perceptions of others that I had to step away from because maybe I didn't want that narrative of myself and I wanted to create a new one.

So yeah, they say that was probably the time I've had to heal the most.

experiences happened, things happen that you don't expect to. You realize that it's actually part of it. It's not an obscure thing that only you are going through. Because I feel like I've gone through moments of feeling really found and understood to only feel really lost again, and then I feel really in my purpose and in my power, and then I feel lost again. And so I think that ebb and flow is something that we have to realize is actually just part of it. I don't think

it is. I don't think it's the exception. I think it is actually the rule of life, and it's part of post of it.

don't have the skills too. I would say, like he's really good at the business side of things, and I really enjoy the creative side of things, and so especially for the main project we work on together is Junior, our tea company, and so he does a lot of the business management calls. Is that what you'd call it?

we focused on that. But the reason why it is easy to work on it together is because we founded the company many years into our marriage, and I think by then we have a good understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses, and we have a lot of trust. So I know, if Radi's on a call about flavor profiles, I know she understands flavor profiles far better than I ever would. My palette is really basic. Right before I met her, I had no idea what any of these

incredible herbs and plant extracts and adaptations are. And so her level of knowledge in that field is something I can trust. It's something I would back, It's something I feel very confident in, and thankfully she feels that way about me and my strength, and so I think that's why it works for us. I don't think I could. I think I'd find it hard if we had similar skill sets and we were constantly debating and figuring it out. I quite like the dividing conquers who works well well.

your path, and who's patient while you do it. That's actually what a guru is, especially in the Eastern traditions. And one of my favorite things about that is that your partner is really a mirror. And the challenge we have in relationships is that the right partner holds up the mirror in a non judgmental way, but we're so convinced that the mirror is broken because we don't like what we see that we reject them. So we reject the one person who actually has the ability to help

us grow. And so RADI has been completely non judgmental empathetic and compassionate about my health journey. When I met RADI, I was addicted to sugar, I ate a lot of fried food, I was fairly unhealthy physically, and because I had a strong mind and meditated daily and felt like I'd got somewhere with that journey, I felt like my body almost didn't matter. I almost felt like it was

a afterthought. And she didn't teach me by telling me I was wrong and that I was wasting time, that I was being lazy, and that I should work out more, because none of those things would have helped me, because my ego would have come to my defense and been a shield and pushed back, and I would have been affected by that, like I think we all are. Instead, she set the example. She's worked out every day i've known her. She's eaten a clean diet, she's always cooked

healthy food. She encouraged me and educated me in the challenges of how I was living without making me feel bad about them. And she's been my gurup for my health and so to me, when your partners your guru, and you allow your partner to teach you in a non judgmental, non confrontational, non finger pointing way that is the person who can help you grow. There's no one on planet Earth who could make you a better human being than the person you spend the most time with.

So that your partners, your guru is probably one of them. And I think you said a couple. I would add that the problem is we often want our partners to change, but what we don't have is the patience that it takes to watch them change. And we also want them to change into the people we want them to be, not the people that they want them to be. We see their potential and we say you must rise to this. We see the possibility and we say you must reach this.

We see the result for them that we've projected, and we say, if you don't get to this, you've failed. And never have we asked them, who do you want to be? How do you want to live your life? What are you trying to accomplish? And it's really interesting to me that we believe, just because we want to invest in them, that that care is greater than their ambition. And I think we work so hard we want to be their savior. We want to be the person to

solve all their problems. We want to be the person who fixes everything for them just to feel good about ourselves.

We don't actually want them to be happy. We just want to be happy that we're doing something for them, and so we don't really give them the patience, the time, the energy to find who they are and move in that direction for themselves, because we want to feel like we're helping, we're fixing, We're I'm here to solve all your problems, and in that you try to be the person who saves them, but actually you push them away.

So those would be my two biggest things that I think if we can, on the first time, learn to be a guru that's non judgmental, and on the second hand, learn to be patient and let people become who they want to be, not try to make them who we want them to be.

I wrote that down like you know, the idea of supporting who they want to be, asking them you know who they want to be, and then supporting them with that patience on that journey, not wanting to help, not want to even though it comes from a good place, just giving the space. I just so many husbands out there, anyone who's listening, who wants to play that clip back on social media for someone in their life to sit with. I just want to cruise them to sit with that

for a few minutes. I love the honesty of that advice.

Like you know, I think we're constantly worrying about oh God, they're not doing this, and they're not doing that, and they're not doing this, and the right person makes you look at yourself and go, well, I'm not doing that, So let me start there.

vocalize it. I've you know, in my mind, I'm I see myself more of an active service, which is how I've seen my parents be. So I'd be like, oh, but in my mind, I've cooked a meal and I've done this little thing. But sometimes you realize that actually having those vocal moments are really important and how much

that makes a difference in a relationship. But then in action, it's like the little things of you know, even if he's just sat down, when I've sat down and I need something, he'll get back up, Like if I won't get back up, he'll get back up to get it from me. Or if I am paying, you still do it, and you know those little things where you just notice someone going out of their way for you, because not many people want to go out of their way for you.

And then another one is whenever I'm having I'm quite an emotional person, and whenever he feels my energy is a little bit off He'll always no matter what he's got going on, he'll always make space and time to just check in and be like, do you need do you need help with anything? Can I sit with you? I can work through whether it's a work thing, whether

it's a family thing. You know, he always creates the time and space, no matter how busy, to have those moments of connection if he feels like I really need it, and so, I mean I could probably go on, but I'll leave it that. There's are a couple of them. But yeah, there's so many different ways he expresses himself.

five minutes away from Radi's parents' home. And actually that was one of her requirements for us getting married, was that she could be a one mile radius away from her parents' home. And I'd committed to that, and I genuinely had committed to that. It was something that I thought was very real. All of our friends are in

that area, families in that area. It made sense. And then all of a sudden, my career took a turn in twenty sixteen when this part of my life started to grow, and it's continued to for the nine years, thankfully. And if I'm completely honest, that was completely not part of the plan, not my plan, not her plan, not our plan. But it was what I couldn't even have dream And not once in the last nine years has Radi ever said to me, look what I gave up for you. And oh god, I could cry saying this,

but it's one of those things. It's like I know how much her parents mean to her, now much her family friends mean to her. I know how much London means to her, and for her to move away, for her to give that up when we didn't have clarity, like you know, we're very fortunate today to have a wonderful life, but getting here wasn't easy. I was away a lot, I traveled a lot for work, I was building things, moving around, And never once did she say I gave this all up for you, you're never around

you work too hard. And I think that kind of trust without nagging, without making someone feel bad when I was already carrying the burden of it myself. And I think that's the feeling that makes you feel loved where you're like, I was already feeling that way myself. So if she would have said it to me, it probably would have broken me. But the fact that she didn't feel that she had to say it to me makes me feel loved. So not blaming, not shaming, not pushing,

not prodding is is. It feels like a small thing, but actually it's huge. And even at the most difficult times in our life, whether we were financially struggling, you know, struggling with moving, changing, whatever things were going on in our life, every time i'd update her on what would happen, she'd always say, I trust you. And hearing your partner say that when you don't even know what's going to

happen next is the greatest sign of love. And so and and you know, she radly decided to date me and commit to a relationship with me when I had nothing to offer about myself. And so that's a pretty

big thing. She could have married anyone she wanted to marry, and so her decision to be with someone who didn't have a even a secure job when we first started dating, and you know, someone who'd been in the monastery for three years and didn't have any sort of savings or any sort of plan, I think it shows her character and her ability to you know, go beyond material things. And the more recent one, I mean, I could go on as well.

and that took me. That helped me detach from valuing myself based on the success of my career because I think that's what I would have done and what I would have wanted if she had fallen in that way. And so her lack of validation for my career was the greatest validation for my career.

Like what do you want to be loved for? Do you want to be loved for the amount of followers you have? Or do you want to be loved for who you are and how you show up and what she believes you represent? Then, and so I think it's genuinely been laughing about it, and it kind of have funny connotations, but I want to clarify, Like the point is I think we all want to be loved for who we are and not loved for what we achieve.

two of My Legacy. Thank you for joining us. We are so grateful to have you as part of this journey. If you enjoyed today's conversation, subscribe and share the podcast with friends, family, and loved one, and follow us on social media at my Legacy Movement. At the heart of this podcast is doctor King's vision of the beloved community and the power of connection. This podcast is a testament to that vision and the product of collective effort, enriched by.