61. Why Doing It All Is Keeping You Stuck and How to Break Free

Here we're changing the overwhelmed juggle struggle narrative around what it means to be a mama on an academic journey to one of empowerment , fulfillment and purposeful success . So how do we successfully navigate these journeys ? Well , first we need the space to embrace this unique blend .

Let's begin by saying yes to creating a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside , because that's when we truly become purposefully whole .

So get ready for the most non-traditional , unconventional and revolutionary approach to PhD motherhood , because one thing I have learned over my many years of experience on this journey is that if you want something different , you have to do something different .

You want something different , you have to do something different , but you must be brave enough to think differently first . So , mama , are you in Fabulous ? Let's begin . These are our journeys of becoming . Hey mamas , welcome back to the podcast .

This is going to be a relatively short episode because I really just wanted to share my thoughts on something that I've been seeing a lot online but also have been reflecting upon on my own journey , my own experience of this . Now , we as working mamas , we as scholarly mamas who are juggling many hats , we sometimes fall into the trap of wanting to do it all .

You know , we constantly see messages about doing it all , having it all , being able to be the superwoman and all the rest of it .

Now , this space is meant to be a space of inspiration , but also a space to really challenge you on some of the mindsets that really get us stuck in this struggle , struggle in navigating this scholarly mama journey , and it's important for me to call these out , challenge them and hopefully help us to change some of these mindsets .

And one of the things that really , you know , I've had to reflect on myself , I've had to challenge my own self on , is this idea of doing it all . Now , I think this is one of the biggest traps that we can find ourselves in as scholarly mummers .

Now , don't get me wrong , I do wear a lot of hats and I do juggle lots of things and I think naturally that comes with motherhood . It comes with living a real life outside of an academic life , outside of your work and your career .

And you know , I think naturally we find ourselves in positions where we are juggling multiple dimensions of ourselves , because the truth is that real life is multidimensional I've said that several times and just naturally we find ourselves having to juggle lots of things , and so I think that's really quite often our reality .

However , actually , before I make that point that I want to make about the dangers of doing it all , I'm just going to put a bit of a disclaimer in here to say that we are allowed to be our multifaceted , authentic selves , even as mamas , even as scholarly mamas we are .

It's part of our identity to wear different hats and embrace the various dimensions of ourselves . But the idea of having it all and doing it all really presents a unique challenge for us as Squally Mamas , because what we end up doing is finding ourselves in a place where it's not just that we want to do it all , but we want to do it all perfectly .

We really want to be all the things to all the people all the time , and I just don't think that that's really realistic . I really think that that's one of the things that gets us trapped in this juggle struggle and stops us from being able to move forward .

And you know , when I was in the thick of my PhD , with one , and then two , and then three babies at home , you know . Naturally you put yourself under all this immense pressure to excel at everything .

You want to be the perfect PhD student , you want to maintain your research productivity , you want to keep an immaculate home , you want to be faultless , you want to be the ever-present mom , you want to do all the things , be all the things for all the people all the time , and you realize at some point that that's just simply impossible to sustain .

It's not sustainable , it's not even desirable , right ? And so I think , going back to this idea of doing it all , I think we really need to be honest with ourselves about what that actually means in practice . What does it mean to do it all ?

I know a lot of times , you know , when we have a little quiet moment , a rare moment of solitude , sometimes when we can , like you know , take a break from all of the chaos of juggling all and doing it all , and we get that little moment of silence , that little moment of reflection , that little moment of solitude , it hits us right .

We begin to wonder how on earth are we even sustaining this ? Is it even sustainable ? Can we keep this going ? Can we finish this PhD ? Can we finish it intact ? Can we finish it well , can we finish it without losing ourselves , without losing our families ? And I have been there , I have navigated all of those feelings .

I have been there , I have navigated all of those feelings , you know . And so , really , I think , when you're in the thick of the juggle struggle , when you're in the midst of doing it all , of course I'm going to say , first off , that support is key . Right , that is the first thing . You need to accept the help .

I was recently coaching a client and she was saying to me how she felt before . She was so overwhelmed with a guilt juggling everything , but not even just juggling everything , juggling the guilt of juggling everything . Right , whenever she was working on her PhD , she was feeling guilty about not being a present mama .

And when she was being a present mama , she was feeling guilty about not working on her PhD . And then , of course , there were work pressures and all of that . And I think , when you really reflect on this , you have to really think and be honest with yourself . What does doing it all mean ?

Because doing it all may not look the same for you as you see other people talking about online or wherever you're looking right , doing it all for you may mean not doing it all at the same time . You know who ever said that you had to do everything at the same time ? Who ever said that you had to do everything by yourself ?

Who ever said that you had to do it all at the same pace , right , or at the same pace as other people ? You know ? On this journey , I have realized that there's always a cost . There's always a cost . There are sacrifices that everybody has to make , right and to be able to navigate this unique juggling act of scholarly motherhood .

We have to be honest with ourselves about those costs . Are we happy with what has to give , because something is going to have to give ? Are we happy with what has to give ? Can we be satisfied with the sacrifices that we have to make so that we can proceed with purpose .

This is the place you have to get to , and I knew personally for me that I wanted to enjoy my journey . I wanted to enjoy my family , I wanted to enjoy my kids , I wanted to enjoy my husband and my marriage .

I wanted to enjoy the things that really mattered to me , and I knew that the only way I could do that was to actually slow down and get really crystal clear on what I actually wanted , right , what I actually wanted from this journey , and how I was prepared to navigate it , how I was prepared to get myself to finishing well .

And so I just wanted to challenge you , because sometimes we get stuck in our own heads , we get stuck in the comparison trap of looking at what everybody else is doing and how everybody else is progressing , comparing ourselves . We get trapped in this loop of comparison and guilt and just feeling awful .

We also get trapped in the perfectionist trap , right , where we think we can't do anything unless we do it perfectly . And we also get trapped in the superwoman trap , where we think that we have to do everything ourselves , we are invincible and we don't need any help .

And these traps of trying to do it all , trying to do it all perfectly , trying to do it all , trying to do it all perfectly , trying to do it like everybody else they just get us stuck in that juggle struggle . And so I invite you to really get some clarity on what does doing it all mean ? What does doing it all mean to you ?

Because really I think it's less about doing it all and more about getting crystal clear and honest about what sacrifices we are willing to make so that we can finish well . For me , it was taking a slower pace , pacing myself throughout this journey , so I don't burn out , I protect the asset and I finish well , and that worked for me .

For you , the sacrifices may look different .

Maybe you've got other things that you're willing to sacrifice , but just getting crystal clear on those things will really help you to see a path through this chaos right now of trying to do it all , and so , inside of my one-on-one coaching , I will help you to go from this feeling of being stuck in this juggle struggle , not making any progress , feeling trapped ,

feeling like you know how on earth are you going to get through to the end of this ? To making consistent , purposeful progress in your scholarly mama journey , and without all that guilt and without sacrificing what truly matters to you . So I invite you , book a discovery call and let's get started .

It's a short episode today , but I hope that you can see the the traps that this concept of trying to do it all can lead us to , that valley of overwhelm and disillusionment , and how we can free ourselves from that , how we can emerge successful and get on the path to purposeful success and scholarly joy , and I wish that for you , mama .

Thanks for listening today . I'll see you in the next one , sending you lots of love and lots of gratitude . Take care , mama . Bye for now . Thank you for tuning in to the Mrs Mummy PhD podcast . I hope you've enjoyed the episode and if you did and you want in on this movement , please head over to mrsmummyphdcom or scholarlymamascom .

If you want to do your PhD well , without sacrificing yourself or those you love dearest , then you need your hands on my free training called the PhD with Purpose Meminar . When you join us inside Scholarly Mamas Explore , you'll get access to this free training and so much more . Remember , mama , these are our journeys of becoming