The Unfortunate Mister Ebbsmith from Mister Punch's Dramatic Sequels by Saint John Henkin. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. The Notorious Missus Ebbsmith. Those persons who have seen Missus Patrick Campbell's magnificent performance in The Notorious Missus Ebbsmith will have probably gone away with a quite false impression of the gentleman with whom
Agnes Ebsmith spent her eight years of married life. For the first twelve months, she declares bitterly in the first act, he treated me like a woman in a harem, for the rest of the time like a beast of burden. This is not quite just to poor Ebsmith, who was a good sort of fellow in his commonplace way, and it is manifestly unfair that the audience should have no
opportunity of hearing his side of the question. An attempt is made to remedy this justice in the following prologue, which all fair minded persons are entreated to read before seeing mister Pinero's very clever play The Unfortunate Mister Ebsmith. Trematous Personae Mister Ebsmith fad.
By by Lah Agnes Ebsmith read by Capricia Page.
Narration by Todd. Scene the dining room of the Ebsmith's house in West Kensington. Agnes and her husband are at breakfast. They have been married seven years. She looks much as we see her in the early acts of the play, gaunt, pale, badly dressed. He is a careworn man, with hair slightly gray at the temples, an anxious forehead, and sad eyes. He is glancing through the standard in the intervals of eating his bacon. She is absorbed in the Morning Screamer,
one of the more violent socialist radical organs of that day. Presently, Ebsmith looks up.
You won't forget, Agnes, that we are expecting people to dinner tonight.
Agnes, putting down her paper with an air of patient endurance. Ah Ebbsmith mildly, I.
Was saying, dear, if you will give me your attention for a moment that I hoped you would not forget that. Sir Miles Jawkins and his wife, and the Spencers and the Thornton's were dining here tonight, Agnes contemptuously.
You seem very anxious that I should remember that lady Jawkins is honoring us with her company.
I only meant that I hoped you had told Jane about dinner. Last time the Jorkins came. You may recollect that you had omitted to order anything for them to eat, and when they arrived there was nothing in the house but some soup, a little cold mutton, and a rice pudding.
Very well returns to her paper.
Thank you, a Agnes. If you could manage to be dressed in time to receive them, I should be very much obliged. I of course, I suppose you will be here to entertain our guests. Your guests, you mean, my dear Agnes. Surely my guests are your guests also, Agnes breaking out.
As long as the present unjust and oppressive marriage laws remain in force.
Absmith interrupting, I don't think we need to go into the question of the alteration of the marriage laws. Ah.
Yes, you always refuse to listen to my arguments on that subject. You know they are unanswerable.
Absmith, patiently, I only meant that there would hardly be time to discuss the matter at breakfast, Agnes, vehemently.
A paltry evasion.
Still, I assume that you will be here to receive our guests, my guests, if you prefer it tonight.
Do you make a point of always being at home to receive my guests?
Those anarchist people whom we are constantly asking to tea certainly not.
Agnes with triumphant logic.
Then may I ask you why I should be at home to receive the Jokinses.
My dear, you surely realize that the cases are hardly parallel. The only time I was present at one of your revolutionary tea parties, the guests consisted of a hyde park orator who dropped his heatches, a cobbler who had turned socialists by the way of increasing its importance in the eyes of the community, three ladies who are either living apart from their husbands or living with husbands of other ladies, and a Polish refugee who had been convicted quite justly
of murder. You cannot pretend to compare the Jokinses with such people.
Indeed, I can, rhetorically in a properly organized society abstine.
Testily, I really you can't stop to reorganized society. Now I'm due at my chambers Enafernova, Agnes, solemnly.
As you decline to listen to what I have to say, I may as well tell you at once that I shall not be at home to dinner tonight.
Absmith, controlling his temper with an effort.
May I ask your reason?
Because I have to be at the meeting of the Anti Marriage Association.
Can't you send an excuse, Send.
An excuse, throw up a meeting called to discuss an important public question. Because you have asked a few barristers and their wives to dine, you must be mad well.
I must put them off. I suppose what night next week will suit you to meet them? Thursday.
On Thursday, I am addressing a meeting of the Society for the Encouragement of Divorce.
Friday, Agnes, coldly.
Friday, as you know, is the weekly meeting of the Agamist League.
Saturday.
On Saturday, I am speaking on free union for the people of majesty.
Can you suggest an evening, Agnes, firmly, no.
I think the time has come to make a stand against the convention which demands that a wife should preside at her husband's dinner parties. It is an absurdity.
Away with it, Ebbsmith alarmed, But Agnes, think what you're doing. You don't want to offerend These people Spencer and thought and are useful men to know. And Jorkins puts a lot of work in my way.
Agnes, with magnificent scorn, how like a man?
And so I am to be civil with this Jowkin's person because he puts a lot of work in your way.
Ebbsmith meekly, Well, you know, my dear, I have to make an income somehow.
I would sooner starve than resort to such truckling, Absmith.
Globally we are likely to do that sooner or later. In any case, what do you mean, Absmeth? Diffidently you're ahem somewhat subversive. Tenets, my love, are not precisely calculated to improve my professional prospects.
What have I to do with your prospects?
The accounts of your meetings which appear in the newspapers are not likely to encourage respectable solicitors to send me briefs.
Agnes indifferently.
Indeed, here's the report in today's Standard of a meeting addressed by you last night which would certainly not have that effect. Shall I read it to you.
If you wish.
Absmith reads.
The meeting which was held in Saint Luke's Parish last night under the auspices of the Polyandrous Club, proved to be of an unusually exciting description. The lecturer was missus John Ebsmith, wife of the well known barrister.
Of that name, breaking awe, really.
Agnes, I think my name need not have been dragged into the business go on. As soon as the doors were opened, the place of meeting, the Iron Hall, Carter Street, was filled with a compact body of roughs assembled from the neighboring streets, and that seemed every prospect of disorderly scenes. The appearance of Missus Ebbsmith on the platform was greeted
with cheers and cries of mad agnes. Surely, my dear, you mist recognize that my professional reputation is endangered when my wife is reported in the newspapers as addressing meetings in discreditable parts of London, where her appearance is greeted with shouts of mad agnes.
Nonsense. Who was likely to read an obscure paragraph like.
That obscure paragraph, My dear Agnes. The Standard has a leading article on it. Listen to this Missus's crusade against the institution of marriages, again attracting unfavorable attention. Last night in Saint Luke's she once more attempted to ventilate her preposterous schemes, crack brained crusade, belowing revolutionary nonsense on obscure platforms. This subservutionary, whom our audience is not inappropriately nicknamed Mad Agnes. Ultimately the meeting had to be broken up by the police.
We cannot understand how a man in mister E. Fsmith's position can allow himself to be made ridiculous, almost weeping. I do think they might leave my name out of it in a leading article two.
Is there any more of the staff.
Another alph column too, My dear to oblige me find some less ostentatious method of making known your views on the subject of marriage.
Agnes, anticipating a remark subsequently made by the Duke of Saint.
Alfred's ostentatious immodesty is not part of my program.
Absmith, humbly, could you not, for my sake consent to take a less prominent part in the moment agnes enthusiastically.
But I want to be among the leaders, the leaders that will be my hour.
Abysmith, huzzle your harvur. I don't think I quite understand you.
There is only one hour in a woman's life when she is defying her husband, wrecking his happiness, and blasting his prospects. That is her hour. Let her make the most of every second of it.
Abs Smith wearily, Well, my dear, when it's sober, you will have this satisfaction of counting the departing footsteps of a ruined man departing. Certainly you and your crusade between them will have killed me. But I must go now. I ought to be at my chambers in ten minutes, and I must go around and make excuses to Jawkins some time this morning. Tell Jane not to bother about dinner. To night, I shall dine at the club
Exit curtain, And of the unfortunate mister Epsmith