The Third Missus Tankery from Mister Punch's Dramatic Sequels by St. John Hanken. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. The second Missus Tankery. After the Second Missus Tankery killed herself at the end of the play which bears her name, it might be supposed that her husband would be content with his two successive
failures in matrimony and not attempt a third. But Aubrey, as his second marriage shows, was nothing if not courageous in matrimonial affairs, and we have therefore every reason to believe that he did marry again, while we have small ground for hoping that he chose his third wife with any greater wisdom than he chose the other two. That is the impression conveyed in the following pathetic scene Dramatis persone Aubrey Tankerrey read by Capricia Page.
Kaylee Drummel read by Todd Butler, read by Lambda Footman, read by Charlotte Ducats, narrated by Elizabeth Klett. The Third Missus Tankeray scene the dining room of Aubrey Tankrey's country house, higher Combe, in Surrey. A lean butler is standing at the sideboard. Aubrey and Kaylee Drummel enter and go up to warm themselves at the fire, which burns feebly. The time is an evening in March, five years after the events of mister Pinero's play, and Kaylee looks quite five
years stouter. Aubrey does not.
It's quite shocking, Aubrey, that you should have been married nearly a year, and that I should not yet have had the pleasure of making missus Tankreys. I am dying to know her.
My fault, my dear Kayley.
Entirely, your weddings are always so fertive.
Pox the fire resolutely in the hope of producing something approaching a cheerful blaze.
Well, you'll see her to night. I hoped she would be able to dine at home, but she had promised to address a temperance meeting in the village.
Kaylee looks dubious.
However, she'll be back at ten. Meanwhile, you'll have to be contented with a bachelor dinner.
They go to the table and sit down. Kayleie unfolding serviette.
Experience has taught me, my dear Aubrey, that bachelor dinners are apt to be particularly well worth eating. No doubt it is to make up for the absence of more charming society, Aubrey, doubtfully.
I hope it will prove so in this case, I am sure of it.
I remember your cook of old.
I'm afraid it won't be that cook, Kayley, in horror, you.
Haven't parted with him.
Yes, he left soon after my marriage. There was some small error in his accounts which Missus Tanquery discovered, so of course he had to be dismissed.
Cayley eagerly.
Do you happen to have his address?
I dare say, Missus Tankery has if you wish to know it.
Footman hands soup.
I shall be eternally indebted to her. Why I shall engage him at.
Once begins to eat his soup, frowns, and then puts down his spoon.
But I'm afraid you'll want him back yourself.
No, my wife is most particular about the character of her servants.
Ah, I'm more particular about the character of my soup.
His hand goes out instinctively towards his sherry glass as he is about to raise it. He sees that it is empty and refrains.
Cayley, you ought to marry, then you'd realize there are more important things in the world and soap.
Of course there are, my dear fellow, there's the fish. As a joint.
Fish of an unattractive kind is handed to him, he takes some cyber right. Kayley looks at his fish dubiously, then leaves it untasted.
You are quite wrong. A simple cut of beef or mutton well cooked is quite enough for me.
Butler to Kaylee, lemonade, sir, er what?
No, thank you?
Oh Kaylee? What will you drink? Kayley's face brightens visibly.
I'm afraid I can't offer you any wine.
It falls again.
My wife never allows alcohol at your table. But there are various sorts of mineral waters you don't mind, Kayley grimly.
Not at all, my dear fellow, not at all. Which brand of mineral water do you consider most?
Uh stimulating Aubrey laughing mirthlessly.
I'm I'm afraid, Kaylee, you're not a convert to temperance principles. Yet that shows you have never heard my wife speak.
Kaylee emphatically, never temperance meetings are not in my line.
Footman removes his plate.
Perhaps some of the other movements in which she is interested would appeal to you more.
With a touch of happy pride.
As you may know, my wife is a vice president of the Anti Vaccination Society and of the Women's Home Rule Union. Indeed, she is in great request on all public platforms.
Kayley, with simulated enthusiasm.
I feel sure of that, my dear. Aubrey.
Footman hands Kaylee some rice pudding. Kayley puts up his eyeglass and eyes it curiously.
What is this rice pudding? Sir?
Kaylee drops spoon hastily. Aubrey politely, you're eating nothing, Kaylee, Kaylee, with some concern.
Aubrey, have I slept through the joint? I have no recollection of eating it. If in a moment of abstraction I refused it, may I change my mind?
Aubrey sternly.
My wife never has meat on her table on Fridays.
Kayley peevishly, my dear fellow, I wish you'd thought of mentioning it before I came down.
Then I might have had a more substantial luncheon. Where's that rice pudding?
Helps himself? There is rather a constrained silence.
It's really very good of you to have come down to see us.
Kayley, Kayley pulling himself together.
Very good of you to say so. My dear Chap.
Tackles his rice pudding manfully.
My wife and I can so seldom get any man to drop in to dinner.
Nowadays, Kayley giving up his struggle with rice pudding in despair.
I suppose so.
In fact, we see very little society.
Now, Kayley, sententious.
Society only likes people who feed it. My dear Aubrey, you ought to have kept that.
Cook, Aubrey meditatively.
So my daughter says, Elaine. Is she with you now?
No, she is in Ireland. After making that remark, she went back to her convent.
Kayley, heartily, sensible girl.
I like Elaine.
No, she and my wife did not get on somehow. It was very unfortunate, as it was mainly on Elaine's account that I thought it right to marry.
Again, Kayley with polite incredulity.
Indeed, yes, you see, it is so difficult for a girl of Elaine's retiring disposition to meet people and make friends when she has no mother to chaperone her, and if she meets no one, how can she get married?
Dessert, Kayley, Kayley, after surveying a rather unattractive assortment of apples and walnuts.
No thanks, as you were saying, So, I thought if I could meet with a really suitable person, someone with whom she would be in sympathy, someone she would look upon as a sort of second mother.
Kayley, correcting him. Third Aubrey, Aubrey, ignoring the interruption.
It would make home more comfortable for her.
Kayley laughing.
I like your idea of comfort, Aubrey, but I should have thought you could have adopted some less extreme measures for providing Elaine with a chaperone. You have neighbors, Missus Cordaion, for instance.
Aubrey stiffly, Missus Cordulion's chaperone was not very successful on the last occasion.
No, No, to be sure, young Ardale, I was forgetting.
Unhappily, the whole scheme was a failure. Elaine conceived a violent aversion from Missus Tankery almost directly we came home, and a week later, I remember it was directly after dinner she announced her intention of leaving the house forever.
Kayley. The thought of his dinner still rankling poor girl.
No doubt she is happier in her convent.
Butler enters with coffee. Kaylee takes some.
I am sorry, I can't ask you to smoke, Kayley. But my wife has a particular objection to tobacco. She is a member of the Anti Tobacco League and often speaks at its meetings.
Kaylee annoyed.
Really, my dear fellow, if I may neither eat, drink nor smoke, I don't quite see why you asked me down.
Aubrey penitently, I suppose I ought to have thought of that.
The fact is I have got so used to these little deprivations that now I hardly notice them. Of course it's different for you.
I should think.
It was Aubrey relenting.
If you very much want to smoke, I daresay it might be managed. If we have this window wider open and you sit by it, a cigarette might not be noticed.
Kayley shortly, thanks, takes out cigarette and lights it as soon as Aubrey has made the elaborate arrangements indicated above. Aubrey politely, I hope you won't find it cold, Kayley grimly.
England in March is always.
Cold, sneezes violently.
But perhaps if you ring for my overcoat, I may manage to survive the evening.
Certainly, what is it like?
I've no idea. It's an ordinary sort of coat. Your man will know it if you ring for him.
Aubrey hesitating, I'd rather fetch it for you myself, if you don't mind. I should not like Pucks to see that you were smoking. It would set such a bad example.
Kaylee, throwing his cigarette on to the lawn in a rage and closing the window with a shiver.
Don't trouble, I'll smoke in the train. By the way, What time is my train?
Your train?
Yes, I must get back to town, my dear fellow.
Nonsense. You said it'd stay a.
Week, did I? Then? I didn't know what I was saying. I must get back tonight. But you brought a bag only to dress. Aubrey. By the way, will you tell your man to pack it?
You can't go tonight. The last train leaves at nine thirty.
It's nine fifteen now, Kayley, jumping up.
Then I must start at once. Send my bag after me.
You've not a chance of catching it, Kayley, solemnly, my.
Dear old friend, I shall return to town tonight if I have to.
Walk Aubrey detaining him.
But my wife, you haven't even made her acquaintance yet. She'll think it so strange.
Not half so strange as I have thought.
Her dinner shaking himself free.
No, Aubrey, this is really good bye. I like you very much, and it cuts me to the heart to have to drop your acquaintance. But nothing in the world would induce me to face another dinner such as I have.
Had to night, Kaylee, Kaylee making for the door.
And nothing in the world would induce me to be introduced to the Third Missus Tanqueray.
Exit hurriedly, curtain end of the Third Missus Tanqueray