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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. We've been continuing through John Gottman's seven principles for making marriage work. And in the last episode, we started talking about principle number four, letting your partner influence you. We talked about what influence means, why it matters for a healthy relationship, as well as signs that you're resisting influence.
And in today's episode, we're going to talk about overcoming common obstacles and then practical ways to let your partner influence you. So let's jump into today's episode. So in this section, we're talking about overcoming obstacles. So the first one is fear of losing autonomy. You might think, if I concede here, I'll never get my way again. But healthy influence is reciprocal.
Both parties benefit. So there's times where you might concede to your partner, and then there's times where your partner should concede to you. And this is a give-and-take type of dynamic. And if you start off with that fear of, well, if I concede, then that means I've lost, as opposed to thinking about it more in the way of, hey, you know what, in this way, we're at least going to experiment their way.
Or you know what, they made a convincing argument, and I think their way is at least a good way to start off trying right now. It's not as though you have lost, because if what your partner says ends up working out, then it's a mutual benefit to the relationship. It's something that has worked out in your favor. It shouldn't be boiled down to, well, it was their way that were, because you are a couple. So what benefits one should be beneficial to both of you.
And I think especially early on in relationships, it's easier to set up this dynamic rather than if you've set it up where it's like, oh man. I'm fighting tooth and nail all the time, then it's harder to move back towards, okay, there's times where I want to concede and there's times where I hope that they will concede.
But just that mentality like I said there it's but I hope that they will concede it shouldn't be I have to make them concede but it's a I'm going to try to make my best convincing argument not that you're going to argue with your partner but you're going to try to state your case the best way that you can so that they will see okay what they're saying makes sense and I want to give that a shot and a try and when all this stuff is infused with mutual love and
respect when you're doing it you have a much better chance that it's going to go well but if it's a tough as nails conversation and we're fighting on every single point, then what happens is that makes it more likely pride's going to leak in and it's harder for the other person to be reciprocal. And when you talked about winning that argument or having that view of it, it makes me think of that idiom where it talks about winning the battle but losing the war.
And that is so applicable to relationships and to your marriage that you may win in your mind these small victories or have won this argument. But it's at the expense of possibly your marriage. And if you're so focused on winning these arguments every single time, that gets really tiring and old. And it no longer feels like you guys are on the same team where you're trying to achieve the same goals. It feels more like that turning against and just trying to get those small victories.
But those small victories are very short term compared to what we hope is the long term success of your marriage. So going back to that idea that healthy influence is reciprocal, both partners are contributing as well as benefiting from it. The next common obstacle is ego or pride. And I really do think that this is a theme at the core of many arguments. But sometimes our sense of self is tied to being the one in control.
And there's a lot of ego and pride that goes into different conflicts and different arguments. And in order to allow your spouse to influence you, you need to be open. And that requires humility and a willingness to learn and to be teachable.
When we were in our pre-engagement counseling, our mentor at the time talked a little bit about the roles of relationship and Tim being the leader of our relationship and looking at it from the perspective of not that he's in control and he's ruling everything and him feeling like I want that control and power, But our mentor really spoke into Tim and talked about the weight of what that means and the responsibility of being a leader that as a heart of it, he's leading with the idea that
he has my best interest in mind and our family's best interest in mind. It's not from this perspective of I'm in control. You have to do what I say. But it really is from that humble place of, man, this is a big responsibility, and I want to make sure that I do right by Ruth and by my family.
Oh, for sure. And I always think the way we kind of think about it is that in our relationship, it's kind of a 51-49 ownership portion where if we end up being at a stalemate where it's like, hey, we cannot come to an agreement on something.
Somebody has to be the tiebreaker and saying okay well we can't come to a full agreement on this and so somebody's got to make a call but i'll say over the 15 years that we've been married i don't know that there's hardly ever been a time where i've kind of invoked that clause where it's like we can't talk about it discuss it or come to an agreement on something and i'm just gonna make a decision because my goal is not to run roughshod over
you my goal is to have a dialogue and a discussion and for us to be on the same page when we do end up making a decision. Now, there's times where we make a decision where it might go your way and I'm kind of still uncomfortable with it or I'm not fully on board, but I take that, okay, well, let's wait and see. And it's not hoping that it'll fail. It's hoping that maybe if we go your way that you'll be right and that it will work out well.
Or in situations where maybe I have said, you know what? Yeah, we're going to go my way and not your way.
I do that with concern and worry, like I'm making this unilateral decision and so if it doesn't go well then the burden of responsibility of that failure falls on me and i do think that if this is something you have set up in your relationship it's something that should almost never be invoked it's we have to make a decision but we can't come to an agreement and so at the end of the day we do have to move forward and make a choice but if it's something that is being invoked all
the time where it's like nope we're going my way and that's something that you take pride in and you love being able to kind of put your foot down and say we're going this direction, that's a lot of your ego and pride coming into it, as opposed to, you know what, this is my partner, and I want them to be on the same page, and I want to discuss it, and I want us to figure out how can we understand or agree and then move forward together.
So another thing that might be an inhibitor is past trauma or trust issues. So if trust in the relationship is shaky due to past betrayal or general anxiety, letting someone influence you can feel unsafe. You want to focus on rebuilding that trust through consistent empathy, honesty, and reliability. And this is one of the things that's really tough about trust is that you cannot convince somebody to trust you. You have to show them that you are trustworthy.
You can use all the words in the world, but it's not going to make them feel trusting towards you.
You have to show them like hey listen like i'm going to be empathetic to you i'm going to take care to hear your perspective and we're going to choose your way sometimes we're going to choose my way sometimes if your way doesn't work out i'm not going to grind you into the dust over it and if my way doesn't work out i'm going to own hey we chose my direction it didn't go well i'm sorry let's try to recoup from that and that helps to build trust even in the face of failure trust can be built
through that if it's done the right way. But if it's done the wrong way, it will make it more difficult for trust to be fostered and to be grown. And if your relationship has these deep-seated conflicts or patterns where it just keeps coming up, this is a good place to get additional help, to seek out a therapist or a counselor that can guide you toward healthier dynamics in your relationship. Whereas you are in the process of working through those traumas and those trust
issues. It allows you to be more open to each other and get to a place where you are allowing your partner to influence you. And it's not hindered by past experience or traumas that are holding you back. So now let's look at practical ways to allow your partner to influence you. What are some strategies? How do we actually practice that openness to what our partner has to offer or how they want to influence us. The first one is just active listening.
Put down your devices, your phone, make eye contact, actively show that you are listening to them all the way through. Even if you initially have this gut reaction, you're like, oh, I don't agree with that. Give them that respect of active listening, whether it's through nods, paraphrasing what they're saying, or responding with things like, I see what you mean, or I can see where you're coming from. All of this encourages your partner to be open more.
By you listening actively, it encourages your partner to open up more, and it shows that you're that safe place where they can share their insights and their ideas that maybe you otherwise might have missed. And I think something that's important to know, too, is that oftentimes if your partner is saying something and you might disagree with it, you want to jump in and challenge it.
But a lot of times if you go through active listening and there is some pretty clear flaw with the plan that your partner has, if you continue to just active listen and then they continue fleshing out their own plan, they may also recognize, ooh, actually, you know what? There's a problem with this idea. Actually, I didn't think about this, but now that you ask that question, now, oh, yeah, actually, maybe there is a problem.
And then it can avoid a whole conflict or a whole point where you kind of end up making them feel not important or valued by pointing out this flaw right away as opposed to just listening and letting them flesh it out because some people are like that where they are external processes where they kind of think out loud and as they're thinking out loud they're coming to conclusions and for somebody who might be an internal processor they're like
well why would you even start talking about that before you have that fully fleshed out why are you even bringing this plan to the table without knowing exactly what you would want to do with it. But that's just not how some people's brains work. And so if you interrupt their flow and you just jump in right away and you point out the flaws, you're starting to create more of a combative atmosphere.
And so it makes it not as helpful versus just letting them go through and doing this active listening. They can sometimes identify some of the flaws with their own plans. Now, if they don't, you can go on and bring those up a little bit later, but you want to make sure you let them fully flush out their idea before you work at challenging anything. So another thing that you can do, you can do reflection and validation.
If your partner suggests a change, say to alter the budget, try to respond with, I hear you, I can see why you'd feel that way, even if you're not entirely convinced yet. This validation helps lay the groundwork for mutual respect and honest discussion rather than an immediate shutdown. And when you do this validation process, it helps your partner to really feel
like you've heard them. And so then it helps to avoid additional conflict later on in the discussion when you validated what they've said about that. The next strategy is to ask clarifying questions. And you just covered this a little bit in active listening because it all flows together. But like you were saying, it allows them to work through some of the issues in a way where they aren't defensive.
And you're not being defensive either. So it's almost like being this mirror where you're just asking questions and you're saying things like. Well, help me to understand this piece of it. Or can you tell me a little bit more about your reasoning here? Or why do you think this approach is better? So you're not saying, no, I don't like that idea. I don't understand why you're saying that or why you came up with that.
But you really are coming at it with a question, asking them to help you understand better. And so by exploring their perspective, it'll help you guys to come to a place of common ground or even to find new solutions that maybe you haven't even considered. And I think one of the things to note about this is that these are asking open-ended questions, not close-ended questions or framing questions. These questions like, why do you think this approach is better?
Or can you tell me more about your reasoning? The reason why those are open-ended is because your partner can go any type of direction, as opposed to a question like, well, don't you think this won't work out because of X? It's a very close-ended question. It's funneling them down towards what your end conclusion is, as opposed to when you have this open-ended question, they may take you a direction that you hadn't considered.
Allowing them to have more of that open field to work with might help to enlighten you as to more of how they're thinking or give a different perspective that you hadn't considered. Another one is shared decision power. For important decisions, you want to aim to co-create solutions. So outline both sets of options and find the middle ground, or take turns leading in different areas.
For example, if one partner handles finances, working to remain open to suggestions or fresh ideas from the other person. And so somebody might be the lead or the point person, but that doesn't mean that they are in complete control, but it's just that they're the one who's normally handling or managing that.
But then that doesn't give them complete authority. You still want to let the other partner be able to speak into what's happening in that and carefully consider what they're bringing to the table or how to handle that in a different way. And this leads back to that humility, that belief that you married a goodwill person and they desire the best for you and for your family.
So instead of it being a power grab from both people trying to take control, you're coming at it from a much healthier perspective. And you can do that without concern that the other person is trying to control you because you know that they do have your best interests in mind. So another practical strategy is just small tests of openness. That if this is something you've been struggling with in your relationship, look for opportunities, no matter how small, to get their opinion on.
And it might be less critical choices where you don't feel like they are pinpointing and being critical of you as a person, but it's just a decision in general. So something like choosing a new recipe for dinner or reorganizing a shared space.
Things that don't make you feel like a personal failure if they give you their opinion or thoughts on it you don't feel like oh man they're doing that because I wasn't good enough and so now they have to tell me what to do but it really is just being open and it has nothing to do with where you're lacking but you're being open to their thoughts and opinions on things like how I asked him very often which earrings he thinks I should wear or just different things that really don't matter.
It's just an opinion. It's not right or wrong, but I want to know what he thinks. And so successes in these small areas can help to build confidence for being open and tackling bigger issues like career changes or major purchases or parenting approaches. But as you get used to allowing them to influence you in the small decisions, you will then work as a team in those bigger decisions. And then the last one is recognizing expertise.
Acknowledging when your partner might have strengths or specialized knowledge. If your partner is great with budgeting, trust their input in that area. If they are a people person, let them handle more social planning. And I think in this situation, Ruth is really great in crisis situations. So whenever there's some type of crisis situation, I always have a tendency to defer to her and those like, okay, you think about it because I need time to sit and think and plan and strategize.
And you're much better at just kind of shooting from the hip or another thing is i don't know why this is but whenever i'm reading some type of government letter or documentation like my mind just turns to mush and i'm just like oh like i just can't stand it and so i'm like can you like interpret this for me can you can you change this from hieroglyphics to english and she's much better at those things than i am and so i'll defer to her expertise either in a crisis situation or whenever it comes
to like responding to some type of government letter that I get because she's much better at those things than I am. And I think this is a really great strategy because if you're both working in the area of your strength, then it makes for a stronger marriage.
But if I become so prideful that I'm like, I'm not going to ask Tim's opinion on this, but it's something he can solve so quickly and it's like nothing to him because he's so skilled in that area, then why wouldn't I consult him and ask for his help on that?
But I think going back to that ego this is where we begin to project man if I have to ask him it means I'm not good enough or he's gonna think that I don't know what I'm doing well most of the time I'm asking him because I don't know what I'm doing or I think that he could get to the point faster. Or he just has a totally different perspective than me but you and I are so different in I would say most of our areas, that you have such great strengths that I so admire and I look up to.
And I would hate for that to be wasted in our marriage, where I can't come to you because I'm so prideful. And so it's such a blessing for our family to be able to come to you and ask you, you know, whether it's something really small or something bigger. But it's such a great blessing to know what your strengths are and be able to go to you, Tim, and say, hey, can you help me in this area? We'll do this in homeschooling sometimes where we get stuck and I'm like, can you explain this?
Can you sit down and do this with her? Because I'm having a hard time getting through this. And you'll step in and it's better for all of us because instead of me just kind of powering through and not wanting to ask for help, you're so willing to step in and And contribute positively. And I think an important thing to know, too, is that all these things become way easier when you have respect for your partner.
But also all of these things that we've just outlined here can help you develop respect for your partner if you don't currently have it. And once you have that respect for your partner, it really greases the skids on all these things and makes it so much easier. It makes being influenced by your partner shift from feeling like a grind or feeling uncomfortable to really being a pleasant and helpful experience in your life. All right, guys, that's all the time that we have for today.
We hope this episode on letting your partner influence you was helpful to you. As always, remember, your mind is a powerful thing.
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