Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. We have been in a series on John Gottman's seven principles in his framework for long-lasting, deeply connected relationships. And the seventh principle is creating shared meaning. So in the earlier principles, it helps you to build a foundation, knowing each other's inner world, turning toward each other, solving conflicts.
But shared meaning is really about weaving a tapestry of rituals and values and life goals that unify you both. And this can be anything from how you celebrate holidays to the bigger life missions that you share. So in today's episode, we'll talk about what shared meaning is and discuss why it matters for emotional depth in your relationship. And then in the next episode, we'll talk about more hands-on strategies and exercises that you can practice.
So let's start with what is creating shared meaning? What does Gottman actually mean by this? So essentially what shared meaning is, is the idea that a couple benefits from a sense of collective purpose and culture. These are unique traditions, rituals, symbolic references that can help shape your relationship's identity. Over time, you establish your own microculture with its own inside jokes, ways to mark milestones, or big picture dreams.
So it's important to note that this is not just about day-to-day tasks. Shared meaning looks at how your relationship feels and functions at a deeper level. Are you both excited about hosting Sunday dinners? Do you share a spiritual practice? Are you aligned on a type of legacy you want to leave for your children? These aspects, although they may seem intangible, are actually an important part of the glue that helps hold your relationship together over decades.
And this shared meaning is absolutely something that evolves over time. The shared meaning you have at the beginning of your relationship will shift as you go through life events, career changes, parenting, maybe experiencing tragedies or big successes. But this principle is based on trying to intentionally co-create your story together, so that neither of you will feel left behind. So why does creating shared meaning matter?
Gottman's research shows that couples who create this shared meaning report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and resilience. It's kind of like having a North Star that helps orient the relationship's purpose. Even when you run into conflicts, you both know you want to maintain a certain sense of identity and purpose together, and that you ultimately have the same goals at the end of the day.
Right, and it can help you to overcome just the everyday irritations and annoyances that happen. Because if you both are deeply connected and have that shared meaning, say you both have the same spiritual worldview or a mutual desire to make a difference, that larger picture and framework can help you to reduce that friction over smaller disagreements that really in the end don't matter. And you're able to see each other as teammates and you're able to work together
more closely. as you walk toward completing that shared mission. And shared meaning also fosters this emotional investment. So earlier you mentioned having inside jokes or ways to celebrate. When couples have these traditions or these rituals that they do, like reading to each other before bed or for the anniversary, they always travel to somewhere special. Or having a weekly or monthly family meeting. These are all routines and rituals that really keep the relationship cohesive.
And these small but really meaningful acts become the markers of your bond. And I can even see that in our family where we were having consistent family meetings and we stopped that for a little bit and the kids continued to ask, hey, when are we going to do our next family meeting? We started off doing it weekly, but then we moved it to monthly. So now at the beginning of every month, they ask me, hey, what day are we going to do our family meeting? Because it's so important to them.
And although these things can be just another thing that we have to do as parents, it really is that meaningful bond for the kids where we come back, we talk about our mission, we talk about where we're going to grow this month and the things that we need to focus on. And we also talk about the exciting things that are coming.
And so it's the same thing in your relationship where you have these different ways that you celebrate or different things that you do to make sure that that connection is still there and it's strong and that you're moving forward together. So this is all great stuff, but there's definitely some things that can get in the way or make it difficult for us to create the shared meaning with each other.
So we're going to take some time where we're going to talk about common barriers that people run into. So the first one is lack of time or attention. Busy schedules might mean that couples can rarely discuss bigger dreams or traditions. It can always end up being about errands or chores. And don't get me wrong, it's not about trying to turn everything into something deeper or something more important, because doing those errands and chores are things that have to get done.
But we do want to make sure that we do some level of concerted effort paying attention towards creating this deeper shared sense of meaning with each other. And when we look at the daily dialogue that we've taught you in the past, the last question is, what can I do to help you or how can I serve you this week? And that really is the one ask that they have for the week. And so you have to make sure that if you are doing this daily dialogue.
Whatever their ask is, that you really are taking the time and attention to fulfill that. And it's so easy to say, oh man, I didn't have time for that. And I really have even tried to change my language around that. And I'll catch myself mid-sentence a lot, where even last week I was telling a friend, oh, I didn't have time to, you know, I didn't make time to whatever it is. Because that's really what it is. We all have the same time. And yes, we are all so busy.
And we don't have the time to do everything under the sun, right? But we have the time to do the things that God has called us to do. And so when I don't do the one ask that Tim asked me for that week, it's because I haven't been intentional and I didn't make the time to do that. And so I think this is a huge barrier to the shared meaning and to flourishing relationships is this lack of time and attention because we are all so busy.
And I know in the past, a lot of times people carry that as a badge of honor, right? Like, oh, I'm so busy. I've gotten all these things on my plate. But in reality, it's not a badge of honor. There's something beautiful about slowing down and being intentional about things and not feeling like you're always on the go and running, running, running where you miss the important things.
And so the solution would be to carve out a dedicated moment each week for deeper conversations or to do your daily dialogue or whatever routines and rituals that you've set up, say it's reading aloud before bed, if you miss a day, then that's okay. But don't give up on these routines that have kept your marriage strong thus far. Get back to it right away and make sure that you are being intentional about making time for your spouse.
One of the things when you think about this is you can definitely set up a meeting and do this, but also if you just have a thought on the fly where it's like, hey, I want to make this a part of our family structure, or I want to do this in a little bit of a different way, you could just bring that up.
And we've talked about this before, but I do really like this family tradition that we've kind of evolved into is just this idea of when Christmas comes around, we have a tendency over the course of a week to open up all of the presents. We don't sit down just on Christmas day and open them all up. We'll open up a couple here and there, and then the next day we'll open up a couple more.
The reason why I like that is because, okay, well, when they open it all at once, some of the toys get thrown to the side, and then they find ones that they're most interested in. Those get a lot of time and attention. But when we split it up over the course of a week, they're opening up one or two things on that day, and then each thing that we've got them, they spend a little more time.
And so it makes the present more meaningful to them, as opposed to if it's just one out of five or ten things that they got in a single day. Now, that wasn't some deeper discussion that Ruth and I had. It was just kind of something where we kind of fell into that, and we just started doing that, and we ended up liking that tradition. And so then that kind of stuck. And then we also talked to our kids, and they like that tradition.
They prefer to do it that way, as opposed to opening them all up on one day. So the next barrier might be fear of losing individuality. So some people might worry that focusing too much on our shared identity erodes personal autonomy. One of the things about this is that when you're in a relationship, you are no longer just an individual, but you are still an individual. But you are also part of a couple and this relationship.
And so the solution to this is the understanding that shared meaning doesn't replace individuality. It complements it. You saw personal dreams and aspirations, but what you're trying to do is find these overlapping values with your partner. And you're trying to create and maintain this shared connection with each other. And so the solution for this isn't some grand idea, but it's just a thought process that just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your individuality goes away.
And that's a part of what creating the shared meaning is, is it's infusing your individuality into the couple and into the relationship and then allowing your partner to do the same. And when I look at our relationship, you bring out the best in me, not that I don't have my own individuality, but within our overlapping values and dreams, you help me to be really the best version of myself.
And you challenge and encourage the areas where you see more in me and you can bring that out and pull that out. And so it doesn't stop me from being me, but it helps me to be better. And so instead of losing that individuality, this shared meaning really helps you both to pull you toward your goal and the values that you truly believe in in your own way. Number three on the roadblocks is mismatched values. So partners may have conflicting ideas about spirituality, family, or lifestyle.
And these can be real hot-button issues that can cause a lot of friction and a lot of difficulty in the relationship. And one of the important things is about acknowledging these differences and understanding that we might have different values in these areas. You're not necessarily going to 100% align on all of your values, but a part of it is about finding respect for your partner's values. Even if they don't completely align with yours.
Now, one of the things I also say about this is a lot of times partners share the same values, but they might prioritize them differently. So you both might value family, but one of the partners might say, well, family is my number one priority. And then the other partner might say, well, family is my number five priority, right? I've got these other things that I value a little bit more.
And so it's not necessarily that we have major conflicting values, but when we prioritize them differently, it can feel like the other person doesn't value them at all. But then identifying and saying, oh, okay, well, my partner does value family. That is important to them, but they have some things that they value a little bit more than that right out of the gate.
But I can acknowledge that, okay, because they prioritize it different, it might look a little bit different than how I engage with that value because of that priority level. And it may even be not that they don't value family as highly as you, but that the weight of maybe work and the weight of providing weighs so heavily on them that family is their number one priority. But in their mind, I have to work in order to provide for my family.
But in your mind, it may seem like, man, he's always working. He doesn't even care about our family. And so sometimes the stressors of life and the weight of what we have to do to provide makes us not as intentional in showing our care for our family, even though by providing, that is a way to show care. But it may not be the way that you're wanting from them. So sometimes there is a miscommunication about what they value.
And this can be a scary place to be because I think a lot of times this is where people will say, I married the wrong person. We don't have the same values. But from our perspective, although there are caveats, right, we're not saying across the board, but when you get married, it's a covenant relationship. And so you are making a promise, not just to your spouse, but to God. And so once you're married, don't ask that question about, did I marry the right
person? Because that is a dangerous road to go down. The better question is, how can I make this the right person? How can we grow our marriage together and grow as individuals to be on the same team? Oh, for sure. I totally agree with that. So it's about making sure that you cultivate that relationship to be a healthy dynamic between you two. And so if you are asking that question, did I marry the wrong person? It's a very scary question to ask versus what do we need to do in our relationship
to make this relationship work? And the last barrier that we'll talk about is trauma or past relationship hurts. And I think this is actually a really big one that shows up time and time again in relationships. And Tim, you and I, I'm sure, both see this quite often in couples counseling as well as individual counseling. Because if one or both partners have emotional wounds, which is very likely.
Sometimes discussing these life goals or creating this shared meaning can be really scary because it's a vulnerable place to be. Oh, for sure. As a matter of fact, there's a lot of times where I'm doing couples counseling and we're talking through the issues and I can just see that it's not a rudimentary or mundane problem that they're having.
It's not just that they have poor communication or they need conflict resolution skills, but I can see that these two are emotionally activated on a regular basis. And so when I give them the tools, they have less of a probability of implementing those tools because they're too emotionally hurt. whether it's from each other or from those past relationships, like you said, Ruth, they just have a hard time getting past those things.
And it is something that is absolutely something that can be fixed and resolved, especially through EMDR therapy. As a matter of fact, I was working with a client recently, and we were doing individual stuff and doing EMDR, but also talk about relationship stuff.
And I remember there's a switching point where they were struggling a lot with their partner, and then we had processed enough through EMDR, and then all of a sudden one week after that it was like this person had totally turned on a dime and the difficulties in their relationship were suddenly evaporating not that their partner had changed or not that they had learned enough tools where all of a sudden everything was wonderful but because we had worked past that
underlying trauma this person now had a completely different view of their partner and of their partner's behaviors and interactions and things that would trigger them that they felt they're trying to hurt me or irritate me they're like all of a sudden, hey, this just doesn't bother me anymore. And that's just totally fine. And oh, I totally view it this way now as opposed to that way. And now that I think about it this way, I just feel so much better about it.
And so especially if when you're thinking about these discussions about the values and those things become very triggering or emotionally evocative for you, this may be an indication that there's an underlying issue. And Ruth and I, we have an offering, it's Coaching with Truth, where you can work with either Ruth or I, and we can coach you through and work through some EMDR to help you get past some of these traumas.
Especially if you feel like, man, we've been to counseling before, and we've done marriage counseling, and we just can't get on the same page. It probably is these emotional barriers that are really hindering or preventing you from being able to move past it. And one of my favorite things I like to tell my clients about EMDR is that nothing changes, but everything changes.
In this example I gave of this client recently, nothing really changed in the relationship dynamic, but when we change the feelings, it changed everything about this person's perspective about the relationship. And so a lot of times our problems aren't really problems except for the emotions that they evoke. And then if you can work through those emotions and then they're not triggered off anymore, then all of a sudden they're not really problems for you.
And you might be sitting there and thinking about it being like, that sounds impossible. These things clearly get under my skin and they clearly bother me. But it absolutely is something. It's one of those things where you kind of have to see it to believe it because it sounds almost too good to be true that, oh, this thing that really irritates me, that could just be gone and that could just not bother me even though it still happens.
And it absolutely is. It's something that Ruth and I see on a regular basis when we're working with our clients. And so as you work on yourself, it can help you feel a lot safer in your relationship. And there's this interesting thing. It's our perception is our reality. It's not the reality, but it's our reality. But if your perception gets changed, your reality also gets changed.
So in a situation where it feels like there might be a lot of emotional safety issues, if all of a sudden you become more emotionally robust and resilient, then all of a sudden those emotional safety issues just waft away. And then you can feel a lot better in your relationship and a lot less worried. And practically what that ends up looking like is a lot of things that were pain points or fighting points before. Now all of a sudden it's like, man, how did I just all of a and get onto Easy
Street. This is just so much easier than it was before. As you recognize these barriers, which again are a lack of time or attention, fear of losing individuality, mismatched values, and trauma or past relationship hurts. As you're more aware of these barriers, it can help you approach this concept of shared meaning with more patience and compassion.
And so it's not that you fail at creating shared meaning if you meet these obstacles, but it just means that you might have to do a little more work on some personal healing or relational healing in order to create that shared meaning. So that's the foundation of creating shared meaning, understanding that your relationship thrives when both people actively shape their relationship in figuring out different traditions, rituals, values, the culture of your relationship.
And it allows you to create these shared visions and these customs that really become a cherished part of your relationship. And so in our next episode, part two of this conversation, we're going to go deeper into practical steps that you can try. We're going to cover how to create meaningful traditions and ways to align on big picture goals and how to talk about deeper life dreams without shutting each other down.
So stay tuned for that. But in the meantime, think about one or two meaningful moments or traditions that you already share with your partner. Maybe it's a morning coffee ritual that you do, or how you celebrate birthdays. But think about how these small acts contribute to that sense of unity. Like this is our family. This is our relationship. All right, you guys have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs.
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