Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
We've spent our lives supporting people through the ups and downs, and we want to share these insights with you. Together, we'll unravel the layers of personal growth, healing from trauma, and building healthy relationships. Each week, we'll bring you engaging conversations, expert insights, and practical strategies to help you heal from the past, foster healthy communication, and develop enduring love.
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We're continuing on in a series where we're going through Gottman's seven principles, and today's principle is gridlock. And this is essentially when conflict feels like it's entrenched and both sides have kind of given up on trying to talk productively about it. It's the same argument recurring month after month or even year after year.
Maybe about wanting kids versus not wanting kids, religious differences, or fundamental lifestyle choices like if you want to live in the city or if you want to live in the country. When these gridlock conversations tend to lead to tension or shutdown for one or both of you, you might be feeling defensive or criticized. You might dread bringing it up so you avoid it altogether. You might also have a belief that the other person will never change.
Or you might experience repetitive emotional flooding or stonewalling. It's not just a simple solvable issue. It's rooted in deeper needs, values, or dreams that feel threatened whenever the conflict arises. Breaking out of gridlock means understanding those deeper layers and learning to live with or manage the differences more peacefully with each other. So all of this comes off of the heels of our last episode, where we talked about solving those solvable problems.
And we distinguished the differences between solvable problems and perpetual problems. And if you recall, we talked a little bit about Gottman's research where 69% of couples' problems are actually perpetual, where they're not easily solved. And that's what Tim's talking about. Sometimes this will lead to gridlock. And this is where both partners begin to feel stuck or hurt. Sometimes they feel hopeless about resolving a core conflict because it's just
coming up again and again. Or maybe it's an untouchable problem that you don't even go near because you know it'll create a fight. But today, as we look at overcoming this gridlock, this is Gottman's sixth principle. And it focuses on helping couples navigate those repeated issues that seems like they're not going to be able to be solved. And so the goal isn't always to solve them, but the goal is often a deeper understanding and compromise.
So today we're going to break down what gridlock is, why it happens, we'll hit some of the pitfalls that you may run into, and then in the next episode we'll talk about how to finally move forward from it and to overcome this gridlock. So before we move further, I want you to stop and think about the things that Tim just talked about, some of the recurring issues that may come up for you.
And he mentioned kids, religious differences, lifestyle choices, all of those things that lead to this tension and shutdown that happens. Just take a minute to really think through what is that in your marriage or what is that in your relationship? Because it is different for all of us. And as you identify what that is, just kind of hold that in your mind as we go through today's episode. So let's first talk about why overcoming gridlock is so important.
And I would say first off, it's that statistic that 69% of your problems are actually these perpetual problems that could lead to gridlock. 69% is a lot. And so if these are the kind of issues that you are constantly coming up against, it's important to be able to face it head on and really begin to work through them and take a deep dive into them.
Because once gridlock happens, if you allow it just to continue to linger, it can really poison your relationship and poison the atmosphere of your home. And that can lead to that low grade or beginning levels of resentment or feeling like your life is on hold because we can't move forward or we can't resolve this issue.
And so Gottman says couples can remain in gridlock for years, living in a sort of emotional stalemate, but recognizing the deeper significance behind each person's stance can transform the conflict from a bitter standoff to a conversation where you can find shared meaning or at least mutual respect. One of the things is a lot of the times is we tend to stay at the surface level for these conversations where it's like, this is what I want. Well, no, I want this and it's different.
As opposed to sitting down and saying, well, why do you want this? Or why is this so valuable for you? Or what problem do you think going this direction would solve for you? In these conversations, you want to make sure that these are definitely exploratory conversations. But we're not here trying to debate or to argue with each other on what it is. But we're seeking to understand what is our partner's deeper motivations.
And in actuality, this can be a really great way for you to bond and come closer together, even if at the end of the conversation, you might not shift what your perspective is. What it can do is help you get more empathy for your partner's perspective. And then that softening can then allow you to then start shifting your own perspectives, or your partner might start shifting their perspective.
But it has to come from that perspective of, I want to know you more deeply, and I want to understand what's causing you to operate. And so one of the things is if we don't address that gridlock, it can slowly chip away at our fondness and admiration for each other, and it overshadows the positive experiences that we have. Overcoming gridlock doesn't necessarily mean you fully solve the problem, but you do find a way to address each other's needs and exist in a more harmonious way.
So we're going to talk about some pitfalls that can cause us to not be able to break this gridlock. And one of the first ones is ignoring emotions. So we treat the conflict purely as a logistical problem or a logical problem to solve, as opposed to diving into the deeper dreams that each person's having.
And this is something I always like to tell my clients is that when we're talking about something, if emotions get involved, whatever we were talking about now needs to be put on the back burner. The emotions now are the number one priority. We have to resolve that. And when you think about it, it makes sense because whenever we get very deeply emotional about a situation, we have a tendency to become irrational in our thoughts and in our actions.
And so it goes back to math where there's this order of operations that we have to solve a problem. And if emotions are part of the equation, they're the first thing that you have to resolve before you go on to the next thing.
And so if you just ignore that and you just start hitting your partner with facts and information, and then you feel like you're beating your head up against a wall and that they're not changing their perspective or it seems like they're ignoring or glossing over what you're saying, it's because those emotions are a barrier to them hearing what you have to say.
And so you have to sit down and work on a solution and ask the why behind your partner's position and acknowledge their fears, their hopes, and their personal history. And so when you stop and you address those emotions, then it helps you both to calm down and then you can re-engage this discussion in a much more helpful way afterwards. Right, and we've talked about this many times in the past, how our personal history really can be what we're responding to.
So maybe the conflict at hand or the gridlock that you're experiencing really is because of their past experience or your past experience. And there are fears because they've experienced that before and they don't want to experience again, or they've been hurt and they're scared to maybe trust you in this process. And with so much of our personal history and our experiences, there is so much emotion that goes along with it.
And so it is totally right, Tim, that we do have to address those emotions because when we go straight to trying to fix it without acknowledging that, it doesn't allow the other person to feel heard or seen. It's almost like a problem to be fixed rather than a relationship to reestablish and rebuild. The next common pitfall that you may experience is rushing for a quick fix.
Some of these gridlocked issues that we face require months or sometimes years of dialogue and mutual respect and something that we need to process through together. It's not going to be a one-off conversation that, hey, make your decision now. And so it really does require patience.
And as you grow together as a couple, you want to be able to celebrate those small progresses toward understanding each other, overcoming different obstacles, and acknowledging when you're working together as a team, because those small wins can help you during these times of gridlock. Remembering that, okay, we've made it through this in the past or we've overcome things that I thought were too difficult in the past. I know that we could do this together.
And so really looking at progress and not just the final outcomes. And so if you're rushing too quickly to get to the final outcome and your partner is not ready to make a decision or you're not ready, then those quick fixes can actually cause more harm to your relationship. The next one is blaming one partner. So you might view your partner's stance as unreasonable or selfish, and that can halt progress. And the truth is, maybe their stance is unreasonable or selfish.
But if that always ends up being your end conclusion, that stops the discussion for you. You just roll your eyes and you think, man, they're being so unreasonable or so selfish, as opposed to, again, trying to address the issue and talk through it and come to a deeper level of understanding. And so you want to emphasize curiosity over blame.
Even if you can't agree, you still want to empathize with their reasoning and show them that you care about what it is that they're saying, and not just trying to dismiss it to try to win the argument. Because again, when you start an argument with your partner, what happens is both sides just end up digging their heels in more, and then that stalls the progress, and then that makes it feel more and more frustrating.
And the more at a stalemate you are, the easier it is to demonize your partner and just think they're an awful, terrible person for their perspective or their view, as opposed to understanding they're just viewing it wildly different than me. It doesn't make them a bad person. The next pitfall is a lack of check-ins. So this is failing to revisit an issue after maybe one intense conversation that just kind of blew up. And so everyone's afraid to now touch this issue.
Or maybe they felt like you didn't respond in a way that I even want to address it with you anymore. But this is going to continue to be a gridlock issue until you can work through it. And if you just leave it after that last blow up or last intense conversation, it can lead to slipping back into those old resentments. And rather than working through it together, you're each on your own trying to think through the problem.
Or you could be silently like to mention blaming each other and maybe not having these outright conflicts. But in your heart you're becoming more and more resentful, more and more bitter toward them because you guys haven't been able to come back and check in with the issue. It just ended on that big intense argument.
And so with these issues, although it's uncomfortable no matter what the timing is, you do want to establish a routine to be able to assess the topics and be able to talk about it calmly. So there is a benefit to having a set time to check in And there's no set time that I can give you, but depending on the issue, you have to set this up as a couple and figure out when are we going to check in? Is it monthly? Is it quarterly? Is it weekly even?
But having that specific time set up in advance allows you to know that it's coming, prepare for it, and be able to talk through it when it's a calm, planned sit down. Rather than you arguing about it because the issue popped up again and maybe it was from another fight that happened and then this conflict came up. And so you're tired and exhausted.
But when you have the sit-down, it's already planned. You know that it's coming and it's not, we're already in a conflict and this is another issue we have to deal with. And so as uncomfortable as these conversations can be, it is important to address them on a regular basis so that you're processing through, you're just checking in. It doesn't have to be a long sit down where we figure it out, but it's just a check in.
It's just, hey, we want to come back. We want to see where we're at with this. And I do think that this is a really important one, too, because especially me, I'm a recovering avoider of conflict. But I've come to the conclusion that if you don't talk about it, nothing can change. If you do talk about it, things might not change, but you always have the opportunity and the possibility that something will change.
And then the last thing that we're going to address for today is flooding and shutdowns. Perpetual issues can trigger emotional extremes. One partner consistently shutting down and the other one getting overwhelmed. And then what that causes the progress to stall. Instead, what you want to do sometimes is use timeouts or self-soothing techniques or therapy to help regulate and manage your emotions.
And again, going back to what I was saying earlier, if we're getting emotional flooding or we're getting shutdowns, that's the prime issue we have to resolve right then is, okay, we're too upset. Let's take some time. Let's work through those emotions. and then let's come back. Overcoming gridlock is as much about emotional intimacy as it is about conflict resolution.
And when you learn to handle one of these core issues that seems so irresolvable in your relationship, and you're able to handle it with respect and empathy, you're able to deepen your bond and strengthen your communication skills as you're working through some of these really difficult issues.
And this process can be transformative. You might discover new things about your partner, maybe new things about their history or their personality or aspirations, things that maybe you didn't fully appreciate or know before. And as you find out more and more about this, that insight can foster lasting affection and resilience. And so in the next episode, we're going to talk about steps to overcoming this good luck.
But remember, it's not just us trying to solve a problem, but it really is a deepening of your relationship and going through this together, solving this issue that seems insurmountable together. And so stay tuned to the next episode and we'll give you those steps to help you overcome that gridlock that you're facing. All right, you guys have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing.
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Although we are mental health providers, this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide diagnosis or treatment. If you are struggling with persistent mental health issues, chronic marital issues, or feeling hopeless or suicidal, you are not alone. Help is available. Please seek professional help or call the National Suicide Hotline at 988. Thank you again for joining us on Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Remember, there's always hope and there's always help. Music.