Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. We're going to pick right up today, continuing off of our last episode, where we talked about solving your solvable problems. And we've already covered distinguishing the difference between solvable problems and perpetual issues. We also talked about why those solvable problems deserve attention. What's so important about focusing on these problems?
And then at the end of the episode, I asked you to sit down and just write out all the conflicts and issues that you guys are going through and then to separate them out between solvable problems and perpetual problems. And today we're going to talk about steps or a roadmap for solving these solvable problems. And we'll also cover common pitfalls and how to avoid them. So let's jump right into today's episode. Gottman outlines a method for working through these solvable problems.
So hopefully you did sit down and you identified what your solvable problems are. So we're going to lay out this roadmap and just kind of talk through it and expand on it for you. So the first step is to soften your startup. And this matters because when we go into a conversation, especially a difficult conversation, when we lead with blame or criticism, a lot of times it just triggers defensiveness. Like right off the bat, people are defensive.
And then it escalates the conflict almost immediately. And if you stop and you think about it, if you're attacking, of course your partner is going to be defensive. And so if you don't want to trigger them to be argumentative with you, that's why this soft startup is so important. So you want to begin with a gentle tone. Come into the conversation wanting to talk through it and resolve it, not immediately combative.
So instead of you never help around the house or all you do is sit on the couch or you're always on your phone, try to dig a little deeper and share. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these chores. Could we figure out a better system together? That shows your partner that you aren't here to fight. You're not here to battle, but you really do need help and want help and you're here to figure it out together.
The next step is to articulate the issue clearly. So an example is, if the problem is talking about finances, you'd want to say something like, I'd like to talk about how we manage our entertainment budget, rather than launching into some general rant about wasting money. And so you want it to be specific and strategic when you're bringing it up to your partner. You want to have already thought through what the issue is and thought through potential solutions before you start this conversation.
And also this is a little bit of a tip When you're talking about problems that you have together, even if, let's say, for example, the budgetary issue is your partner's fault, maybe they're spending outside of the budget or they're not following what you guys had agreed to, you still want to use collective statements like us or we or our as opposed to you. You don't want to start saying you statements because then that's going to cause it to be a much more combative experience.
Right. So you want to frame it as this is our issue. We're working through it together. Step three is to practice active listening. And this is something we mention in so many of our episodes because it's so important. Some of the core skills that you want to work on is eye contact, nodding, paraphrasing your partner's viewpoint, using different phrases like, it sounds like you're worried about how often we eat out.
Or if I'm understanding it right, you feel like you don't have any time to relax yourself. And even if you disagree, you want to make sure that you validate and acknowledge your partner's feelings or perspective. even if you think it's their fault that they're experiencing that. You can say something like, I can see why you're uneasy about us eating out so often, or I can see why you're frustrated about finances.
And so you don't have to agree with them, but you do want to make sure that you're validating their feeling. Even if you have a different perspective or more information you want to add, you want to make sure that you are validating them first. So step four is you want to de-escalate and self-soothe. When tensions rise, if you or your partner feels flooded, overwhelmed, your heart rate's increasing, or you feel like you want to mentally shut down, you may need to call a brief timeout.
And so during that timeout, it allows you to kind of collect yourself, it allows the emotions to simmer a little bit, and then you can re-engage the conversation. And even though you're talking about the same thing, and it wasn't going well before, now all of a sudden it can go a lot better. And then while you're on that timeout, you definitely want to take the time to try to manage your emotions.
So doing some deep breathing, take a quick walk, go drink some water, and then that can help you to return to this discussion more calmly. Step five is to propose solutions and brainstorm. You want to get creative. Can you establish a chore schedule, rotate tasks weekly, outsource certain tasks if you can afford it? No ideas off limits, right? You want to make sure this is a safe place for everyone to throw out ideas.
Even if some of it might be silly or you feel like it's outrageous, let all of those ideas come out and let your partner share them because it does spark that creativity. And then you want to look for overlaps. So if your lists share any common ground, like you both want less chaos in the evenings, then you can build from there. You can talk through, okay, we're on the same page about wanting less chaos. Could we start dinner a little earlier so that bedtime isn't as chaotic?
And then put a time to it. Because even that, if I say, I want to start dinner a little earlier, to Tim that might be 5.30, but to me it might be 4.30 or 5, depending on what we're doing that day. And so it would be easy for me to think, okay, we're going to start earlier. And then he starts at 530 and me still get frustrated.
So after you've brainstormed all these ideas and talked about different possible solutions, you just want to make sure that you guys are on the same page with what that means. Number six is find common ground and compromise. So why is compromising important? It's because rarely does one person ever get 100% of what they want, and then resentment doesn't build on the other side. And so if you stop and realize, I can't always have it my way.
Sometimes I might need to compromise or move towards my partner's way, or sometimes I might need to let my partner have their way. It helps to prevent that resentment from building. And if you stop and you compromise and you're able to come up with a fair solution, it helps to respect both partners' needs.
And I think when you're having these discussions, sometimes it's important to note and talk through what are some of your non-negotiables, what are some of your partner's non-negotiables, and what areas do we have flexibility in to see where we can give ground and we can make that compromise happen. And step seven, you want to agree on a plan and figure out the next steps. So you're going to make sure that you conclude with a clear, actionable plan.
I'll handle the trash Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and you do it Tuesday and Thursday. Or we'll aim to set aside $50 a week for dining out. And once that's gone, no more eating out until our budget resets. Or like we gave in the earlier example, we want to make sure that we start dinner at five o'clock and make sure you nail down that time. And then you want to make sure that you have a time of accountability where you guys are checking back in.
You're scheduling this follow up. Hey, we're going to run this innocent experiment for two weeks and see how it goes. And then we're going to check in next Sunday or let's check in this Saturday to see if we need to adjust anything. And then the last step is checking for emotional resolution. So what you want to do is you want to do a post solution debrief. Ask your partner how they feel about the resolution? Are there lingering frustrations? Does everyone feel heard and respected?
And making sure that you have emotional closure prevents the issue from popping up in new forms later. And a lot of times I'll be talking to my couples and we'll have come to an agreement on something and I'll say, does this sound fair to everybody? Are there any questions, comments, or concerns about it? I'm trying to make sure that we are all on the same page and we're all happy with the same page.
And a lot of times what will happen at the end, if somebody disagrees, they might say they disagree. And then I'll ask, okay, well, do you have any problem with what we came to a conclusion on? And a lot of times, them being able to say like, man, maybe I'm frustrated, or maybe this isn't exactly how I wanted to go. A lot of times that helps them calm down. But then when I ask specifically, is there anything you want to change or anything
you feel like was unfair? They say no, they're just working through the last emotional vestiges. They're just kind of left over from this difficult conversation. But if you come to a deeper point where they're like, well, actually, no, I really don't agree with this. I don't like this. I don't think this is fair. You need to know that because if you don't find that out and then you just try to bull through, it's like, okay, well, we came to a conclusion.
Now we're fine. But then if your partner really didn't agree with it, what you're going to get is low compliance level. They're not likely to follow the thing that you just agreed to. And so making sure that we are on the same page and we both do agree to it and we're both happy to move forward is an important thing to do. Now, also something to note about these eight steps is that they might not happen perfectly in a single conversation.
You might need to loop back, do some active listening or brainstorming multiple times. The goal is to try to keep it cooperative and not adversarial. And so don't worry necessarily about making sure you're perfectly executing each of these steps, because again, these conversations can be dynamic. And so you might need to bounce back and forth between the steps.
But the whole goal is to make sure that we're kind of keeping the lid on the tension, that we're trying to make sure that we're negotiating through this in a relatively calm manner. Okay, now you have the steps and the roadmap. Let's look at the common pitfalls and overcoming these obstacles. Because even with a good roadmap, you might face some challenges.
So the first one is just old patterns of communication. If you're used to snapping or tuning out, walking away, adopting that first step of a gentle startup or active listening can feel awkward, right?
You're so used to your old patterns of communication that you have to practice this in smaller low stake issues first maybe not in a high conflict area because we are trying to break these old habits and a lot of times we're not used to healthy communication so even though it might not feel natural you really want to do your best to be aware of your old patterns and times that they're creeping in. Maybe you just naturally sound irritated with every request that you do.
You want to make sure that you're aware of that and then break that pattern of communication by starting in those smaller areas. The next one is emotional baggage. So sometimes a solve a problem like a messy house can trigger deeper insecurity. Maybe you grew up feeling criticized or your partner has anxiety about neatness. If you notice that there's a big emotional reaction, you might need to address some underlying wound or personal trigger that might be being brought out at this time.
And so what that might look like is a deeper discussion about, okay, why is this so important to you? Or why do you struggle so much with this? Or why does this make you so uncomfortable? And then understanding, not just for yourself, but also this can be helpful for your partner for them to realize like, oh, actually, you know what? This reminds me I grew up in a hoarding house. And any kind of clutter just
drives me crazy. And I just imagine that I'm going to get back to that same hoarding house mentality. And so then they can realize like, OK, a little bit of clutter doesn't mean it's going towards hoarding. But then it also can help you have more of an empathetic view towards a partner. It's like, oh, OK, like I can see that that would be very uncomfortable and not feel like a safe place to live in. And so I could see why cleaning up matters more to you than just having things clean.
I think a lot of times these discussions start with that irritation of why are you making this such a big deal? or you're overreacting to this. But this goes back to that love map where you begin to ask questions and you begin to be interested in your partner's world. And it is hard when you're in the middle of a conflict or you feel like they're being aggressive toward you, right? Like you never clean up. This house is always a mess.
It's hard to stop and really dig deep under that and feel like, hey, Tim, tell me a little bit about why you're feeling this way.
That does feel so unnatural. but we have to think about if there is an quote-unquote overreaction there might be some of this emotional baggage and trauma that's happened and if it's a pattern that you consistently see then take a minute to step back don't get defensive it's easy when they're coming at you aggressively we just automatically get defensive but take a minute to respond in a different way than you have been in the past where you've just been reacting and.
And then the last obstacle that we'll cover is external stressors. We don't live in a bubble where it's just you and me, and I feel like I can handle anything with you by my side, but there are a lot of external stressors, high-stress jobs, parenting responsibilities, health concerns. All of that can leave us easily frustrated, easily annoyed, very little bandwidth for calm conversation or negotiation.
And these seasons we have to remember why we're doing this keep these solutions simpler celebrate those small wins together and continue to be that team because although you have all these external pressures and stressors that you're carrying around when your partner says something so small that just sets you off or irritates you you kind of unload on them but you really have to recognize okay it's not just my partner that I'm so frustrated with right now.
It's everything else but I'm using this as my emotional release. So just be aware of different seasons, different stressors that you're experiencing and if all of these pitfalls just feel too entrenched like you just cannot get out of this. Feel like you're constantly reverting to anger or shutting down, you might want to consider a couple's coaching or couple's therapy.
A professional can coach you through providing a place where both partners feel safe and respected and heard and can really help you to mediate some of this. And when you use this roadmap and you solve solvable problems effectively. You're not just avoiding conflict for the future, you're strengthening your bond and deepening your connection.
And it also ties to healing trauma. If one or both of you have anxiety, lingering emotional wounds other areas that you really struggle with a calm structured approach to conflict like this roadmap provides can feel empowering it can give you direction and it can show that not every disagreement has to trigger these past hurts or cause you to go into this survival mode and over time your household will become more
peaceful more collaborative it'll make room for closeness and fun, personal growth, even in the middle of these inevitable stressors that life brings. So that's Gottman's fifth principle, solve your solvable problems. We hope this episode will give you confidence to tackle everyday issues with empathy and teamwork. Remember that these day-to-day conflicts don't have to erode your connection.
If you approach them with gentle startup, active listening, compromise, and follow-up planning, it can turn what is normally a regular problem into a victory for you guys. We hope you guys will take some of the things that you learned in this episode, and you'll outline steps on one conflict this week and pick something small and see if you're able to collaborate and design a solution.
We'd love to hear about any success stories you guys have. If you'd like, you can find a link to our Facebook group in the description down below. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend?
Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes, visit our Facebook group. Just click the link in the description below. Although we are mental health providers, this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide diagnosis or treatment. If you are struggling with persistent mental health issues, chronic marital
issues, or feeling hopeless or suicidal, you are not alone. Help is available. Please seek professional help or call the National Suicide Hotline at 988. Thank you again for joining us on Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Remember, there's always hope and there's always help. Music.