Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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We are in the middle of a series where we're going through Gottman's seven principles. Today's principle is going to be solving your solvable problems. Now, before we jump into that, I want to point out what the first four principles are. The first four principles are building your love maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, and letting your partner influence you.
Now, the important thing to note about these four things, they're all about building relationship and about connecting. And only now we're on the fifth principle, which is talking about the problems and how do we solve those problems. And I think a lot of times couples, they get too stuck in talking about problems all the time. But a part of the reason we have a lot of problems is because we don't have a lot of good positive feelings towards each other.
And so although a lot of you may have been craving something like this, where it's like, okay, practically, how do we solve all these problems? One of the ways to prevent a lot of problems is by doing those four initial principles, building those love maps, really knowing your partner, nurturing that fondness and admiration, turning towards each other as opposed to away, and letting your partner influence you.
Although this might be something that stands out that you think is very important, and don't get me wrong, it is important, but it's important the order that these things are placed in as well. And so we want to make sure that we don't skip those four steps and jump straight to this one, because those first four steps make this step much easier.
Right it's like with any building or structure you want to make sure you have a solid foundation and it's the same thing for your marriage you want to make sure that you have that strong foundation so that when we're talking about difficult things when we're addressing conflict you have a positive solid foundation that can sustain those rocky times. And so I totally agree with you, Tim, that a lot of times people do want the steps and how to fix these problems.
But part of fixing these problems is that preventative measure and going back to the basic initial things to help you build that solid foundation. So let's jump into principle five, solving your solvable problems. And this principle is about effectively managing the issues in our relationship that can actually be resolved. When we look at Gottman's research, it indicates that not every conflict is fixable. Some are perpetual, tied to personality differences, character traits, core values.
But solvable problems are typically situation-specific, and with the right approach, you can fix them or, like it says, solve them. Throughout the episode, we'll discuss why identifying these solvable problems matter and how to differentiate them from those deeper perpetual issues. And then in the next episode, we're going to talk more about a step-by-step guide to working through everyday conflicts without letting them escalate or just sit under the surface simmering.
Ring, kind of that idea of sweeping things under the rug. So before we get to the how of everything, let's first look at the difference between solvable and perpetual problems. So solvable problems tend to be about specific or situational issues like chores, scheduling, finances in particular areas, holiday planning, or certain parenting routines. These conflicts usually have some sort of concrete remedy, something that you can do, and it creates a noticeable change.
So you can compromise on dinner time, agree on who does which chore, or just tweaking a schedule to accommodate both parties. The tension is more about logistics and approach rather than a deeply held value or belief system. And a lot of these solvable problems will be easy for you to identify because these are just the daily things that we have to take care of anyway, right? And this is a lot of times where we're trying to figure out what routines work best.
And these are just the daily headaches I think that happen where you can kind of separate yourself and realize they're not doing that on purpose. Maybe I just don't have that routine or schedule in place or I don't have a system that we're doing for our family. So it's more the frustrations of figuring things out and how things are going to work for your family.
Whereas when we look at perpetual problems, these usually stem from core personality traits or foundational differences, like what Tim and I talk about so often, the introversion versus extroversion. Tim is a big introvert, and I'm an extrovert. It's not that something is wrong with either of us, but that is inherent to who we are. And they don't have a simple fix because they're rooted in ongoing differences. This isn't something that I need to fix about Tim.
It's actually a beautiful thing. And we found a way to really balance each other out. And I think the important thing to know about this is that it's about accepting who your partner is. And so if Ruth didn't accept me for an introvert, she would be irritated, frustrated with me when I didn't want to stay out as long as she did or when I don't want to go out to the four different activities we have planned this weekend.
But instead, she accepts who I am and she says, Hey, here's a bunch of things coming this weekend. I would love for you to go to all of them, but I understand if you don't make it to all of them. Here's a couple I think you should go to, but it's up to you. So she lets me have say in how much I'm going to be out. A week or two ago, we were out of the house on Wednesday, pretty much from 9 o'clock till 9 o'clock.
And then on Thursday, I was obliterated. I had used all my social battery. I didn't have any left. And that's okay. And I needed downtime. I needed to be able to recover. And then, Ruth, you like to go out, and maybe it's like 7 or 8 in the evening, and you're like, oh, can I meet up with my friend? And can we go out to dinner? And I'm like, yeah, please go have fun. And I could look at it and be like, why do you have to go out? You can't stay here and help me with the kids or whatever.
But instead, I know that's what she needs. It's like, yeah, please go out whenever you need. Go out and have fun and enjoy people. And don't get me wrong, as much as I can, I try to hang with Ruth socially. But as soon as I run out of energy or out of battery, she's able to cut me loose and then let me go and be by myself for a little bit. This is a perpetual problem if there's not acceptance about the personality difference.
But because we accept our personality differences and we find workarounds for those differences, it doesn't end up being a problem for us.
Right the goal with these is more about managing or understanding than solving it and some other examples of perpetual problems could be a mismatch of organization or neatness level or differing core beliefs because at that point you're talking about morals and values that aren't aligning or matching up and so it is going to be this ongoing conversation there are ongoing differences that are happening.
So when you're talking about distinguishing the differences, if you and your partner argue often about how to arrange the kid's bedtime routine, that's probably solvable. It might just take some scheduling talk or a few adjustments to time management.
But on the other hand, if the conflict is more about fundamental approaches to parenting, like one partner is very strict and the other is very lenient, that might be more of a perpetual issue, requiring deeper discussion and even acceptance over time. So if we can realize what type of conflict we're in, it helps us to prevent wasting energy. You don't want to keep banging your head against a deeper personality-based difference, as if it's a solvable issue.
But then we do want to make sure that what we're doing is we're spending more time identifying and addressing issues that are more easy to solve. And so those day-to-day problems that kind of reoccur, it's important to address those and try to solve those that you can. Again, the problem we're talking about is this idea that there are those solvable and unsolvable problems. Not every problem in your life is going to be solvable. And that might be a novel idea to some of you.
But if you are able to identify, oh, actually, you know what? We've been fighting over this unsolvable issue forever. Instead of arguing and fighting about that, why don't we spend all this energy on the solvable issues?
Issues and a part of you might be thinking man if we can't get through all of our issues then that means we're failing or if we can't solve all these issues that means we're failing absolutely not if you're able to decrease the overall struggles that you have so let's say we're able to cut down our issues by 40 then some of those other issues all of a sudden will not seem nearly as burdensome and so the end result is all of a sudden you can start accepting a lot more of those unsolvable
problems if we have solved a lot of those problems that are solvable. And so if you're stuck on the cycle where you feel like you're not making headway, if you really stop and you sit down and you look at, okay, what are actual solvable problems and what are unsolvable problems? Okay, these unsolvable problems, we're going to set these aside and then we're just going to focus on these solvable ones.
It will make you feel a lot more hopeful because then you'll get a lot of progress and then all of a sudden a lot more things will be working well. And then those unsolvable problems, even though they haven't changed, they will feel less burdensome. So that leads us into the next section, which is why solvable problems deserve our attention. Sometimes it can be tempting to sweep small conflicts under the rug, thinking, oh, that's not a big deal.
But these small solvable problems can accumulate and become a source of chronic irritation. So one is when we solve these small solvable problems, it helps to prevent resentment. So those little issues, if they linger, they build over time. They're not just isolated incidences.
And so even something like who's going to gas up the car, it can seem like a small thing, But if you feel like your partner is always running the gas out and then you're getting irritated every time you jump in and your car's on empty and you got somewhere to go and you're running short on time, and that happens over and over again, it doesn't always give you the same amount of irritation.
It builds. So the 15th, the 17th, the 100th time that that happens, now all of a sudden I'm way more irritated than the first time that it happened. The next reason why we want to pay attention to these solvable problems is that it helps with confidence building.
As we handle these smaller issues effectively, it gives the relationship a sense of competence and encourages you that you can collaborate, you can figure things out to these daily problems you've been dealing with probably since early on in your relationship. But like you were mentioning, we were just kind of pushing under the rug because it wasn't a big deal. But a lot of little things that aren't a big deal under the rug becomes a big mountain under there.
And so we want to make sure that we are taking care of it. And I would agree that even for you and I, Tim, as we figure things out, as we've solved things together over the years, it does build that confidence that we do work well together. And if there's a problem that I can't figure out, I know that together we can figure it out. And so it helps us to work together to find these creative solutions.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. And it goes back to, again, even if it's a small issue, when you resolve it, that confidence then helps you feel more comfortable with being able to know, OK, we could sit down and we could resolve this bigger issue. The next one is protecting emotional bandwidth. Resolving solvable conflicts helps free up emotional energy to deal with bigger challenges, including perpetual problems or personal traumas that have deeper work that need to be done on them.
And I do hear this from clients frequently where they'll say something like, I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that right now. And my thought about that is that you might not feel like you have the emotional bandwidth, but kicking that can down the road, you're not all of a sudden going to get more emotional bandwidth later. If you're feeling like you're drowning now, you've got to get rid of some of the stressors that are stressing you in order to gain back that emotional bandwidth.
And so even though you might not feel like you have the energy to do it, knowing that you're not all of a sudden going to clear up miraculously bandwidth later on, I got to do something now to make myself have more bandwidth. Now, don't get me wrong, you might be going through a life circumstance right
now that may be sucking up a lot of emotional bandwidth. Like, if you have a loved one who's ill or somebody who's recently passed away, it's going to make a lot of sense that at least for a time, you're going to be struggling more emotionally. But if you don't have any major life event that has happened, but you're just drowning in the regular day-to-day of life, then you're going to have to confront some of these things.
And the sooner you confront them, the sooner you help free up more emotional bandwidth. And so it's one of those things where you might not feel the capacity to do it now, but as you start working on it, you will free up more and more capacity and then it will feel better and better.
And this is exactly what you and I were talking about earlier when we were reviewing our love map and just talking about how the day-to-day things about life, you know, taking care of the kids, cooking, managing the home, working, homeschooling. If we're constantly running into trouble with all of those daily things, then it does feel overwhelming and it feels like we don't have the space to make progress anywhere else because we're just trying to keep up with the day-to-day things.
And another example of the same principle is when you think about your home and everyone's talking about decluttering and getting rid of things and making sure you're organizing your home. But when you're so caught up in the day-to-day life and you don't have these good routines and systems in place, then it does feel like you can't make progress. So we have to make the time to solve the things we can, you know, tighten up our scheduling, tighten up who's taking the kids where.
Tighten up the bedtime routine. And we're not talking about being so rigid and strict, but just making sure that we're on the same page and we know what's happening so that we do have time to make progress and clean and declutter and organize and do all the things that we need to do and we feel like it's falling by the wayside because of day-to-day life. So it's the same thing in your relationship.
There's these deeper things that need to get done, but you're not making progress on those perpetual problems because you're so stuck in trying to keep up with the day-to-day things that really are solvable issues and solvable problems. So like you mentioned, once they solve their day-to-day stressors, their stress levels drop, and they're able then as a team to tackle other conflicts that's more complex or emotionally challenging.
But first, they have to figure out what are these solvable problems? What are these day-to-day things that just keep stressing us out, keeps building on that resentment? So as you listen to this today, we want you to take a minute, sit down and write out the solve problems versus the perpetual problems. And you may even just first off write a full list of all the issues and problems that you're running up against. And then from there, you're able to put in two different categories.
So as you're just writing, I feel like I can't get the kids where they need to be. Dinner time is always chaotic. He's disrespectful to me in front of his family. We're always fighting about finances.
All these different things you're just kind of brainstorming and putting it down on the paper of conflict points or areas that you run into and then pull it apart and okay disrespect in front of his family that's more of a perpetual problem chaotic dinner time we could probably figure something out that's more of a situational problem and so we'll put that under the solvable problems and you're just going to run down your list and categorize them and then you'll be able to see what are your
solvable problems and what are your perpetual problems. So that's all we want you to do for now. And then in the next episode, we're going to talk about overcoming some obstacles, as well as give you a roadmap to how to solve these solvable problems. All right, you guys have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful.
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