Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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We're going to be continuing on in our series of Gottman's Seven Principles, and today we're going to be discussing letting your partner influence you. This principle is all about staying open to your partner's ideas, opinions, and feelings, and being willing to adjust your own perspective or approach when they bring something of value to the table. It really is a cornerstone of mutual respect and teamwork in the marriage.
When we talk about letting your partner influence you, we mean setting aside any type of rigid control or ego and allowing your partner's needs and viewpoints to shape your decisions and your outlook. This helps to foster a sense of true collaboration and nurtures deeper intimacy. And I think a lot of times this can be a bit of a stumbling block if you view the way that you think of everything as the right way. And I always like to think whenever there's a tough decision to be made.
There's nobody else that I'd rather collaborate more with than Ruth. I always want her opinion. I always want to hear how she thinks. And I think it's great that we view things in very different ways. And I think one of my strengths is I'm able to identify ways that problems might arise and look at ways we can avoid those problems. but then I always appreciate your very optimistic view of how this can go right and how this could be a wonderful and amazing thing.
And I always look at it as when we combine our two differences that then we are able to get more of a complete and full picture of how something's likely to play out versus if we just go with your perspective or we just go with my perspective. Oh for sure and I think it's exactly what you said about needing to set aside that ego or that control. And we'll talk about this later when we talk about overcoming the obstacles, but I'm so thankful for the different point of view that you have.
And there's so often where there's a situation or a problem and I have thought through it and I just cannot figure out what to do. Or it might be something simple, like a project I'm working on in the house or how to organize something. And then you'll walk in and I say what I'm doing and you're like, why don't you just do this? And I'm like, I don't know why I didn't even think of that or consider that. And for your brain, it was the first thing that came to mind.
It's just so natural in certain things. And so I do think there is such a benefit to being so different. And if I allowed my control or my ego to get in the way, then our marriage wouldn't benefit fully or I wouldn't benefit fully from what you have to offer or what I can bring to the table. So when we look at Gottman's research, He found that happy, stable couples tend to share power and respect over each other's opinions.
Influence doesn't mean one partner dictates everything, nor does it mean giving in all the time so that you avoid the conflict. But it's a balance where both voices matter. And so when you think about letting your partner influence you, think of it kind of in this sense of being genuinely receptive. When your partner says something like, hey, I think we should handle this differently.
Instead of immediately pushing back or not considering it, you're willing to at least listen, hear them out, weigh their perspective, and then be open to possibly changing course if it makes sense to do so. And I think this is a really important aspect, too, where a lot of times people, they're talking about a situation and they're arguing theoretically, we should do this or we should do that.
And then they get into this death spiral of arguments as opposed to saying, you know what, doing it my partner's way, at least for a little bit, is a worthwhile experiment. I may not see how this might work out better, but maybe there's something that I'm missing. And I always tell couples this, especially when it comes to parenting, this boils up a lot of the times where one parent wants to do it this way and
the other parent wants to do it another way. and they're trying to do both ways half-heartedly because they're not really a team. And I say, well, why don't we just do this? Why don't we test one way for a month? And then if it doesn't work out the way that we hope, then let's try to test it another way. Let's set our egos aside and let's just see and experience what this actually looks like. So why is letting your partner influence you so crucial? For starters, it builds trust and respect.
When your partner feels heard and is taken seriously, they develop a deeper sense of safety in the relationship. It also reduces power struggles. Instead of approaching issues with a my way or the highway attitude, you maintain a flexible mindset. This drastically lowers tension levels and makes conflict resolution smoother and more productive. So just like what I was saying earlier about this idea of, well, why don't we try your way for a little bit, or why don't we try my way for a little bit?
Instead of fighting tooth and nail trying to prove what you're saying is right, when you come at it where you have more of a curious approach and more of a, hey, let's do an experiment, it makes it much less combative and reduces a lot of the conflict that can erupt from that. Plus, it encourages personal growth. Sometimes your partner sees blind spots or opportunities you haven't considered.
When you're open to their influence, this can expand your horizons and challenge unhealthy patterns and foster personal development alongside relational growth. I think one of the things that I've learned best from Ruth is this concept of optimism and this mantra that she has of we'll figure it out. And that's one of the statements that she says all the time. And I hear her telling this to our kids when our kids might say,
well, what if this happens or what if that happens? And then she just says, well, then we'll figure it out. And I think that's so great. It's this idea of we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. We don't have to sit down and we don't have to plan out every eventuality for every potential situation that could come up. And I find myself doing this a lot where I'll sit down and be like, well, if this happens, then I'll do this. And if that happens, then I would make this choice.
But then I end up wasting a lot of time worrying about things that never end up coming to pass, as opposed to when those situations come up, then I will figure out how to deal with it. Because most of them are not situations where it's like, oh man, I need to have a solution right now. I could take a little bit of time, think about it, confer with Ruth about it, and come up with a solution and move on.
And it allows you to release a lot of worry when you have that mindset of, we'll figure it out. And in particular, in your relationship, if you've created this collaborative effort with each other, It helps when trauma or anxiety comes up, when you have this instilled respect in your relationship, it helps you to know that you have a unified front. And what that means is that you're more likely to be vulnerable when you feel like your partner genuinely values your input.
So now let's identify some signs that you might be resisting your partner's influence. The first one is this consistent I know best attitude. And this might look like if your partner is talking, you cut them off and you say, don't worry, I've got it. Or trust me, I know what I'm doing. If you're doing that, then you might be dismissing their contribution and their thoughts. And you're really not even considering what they have to offer, what they have to share.
And this is a cycle that I see often in couples counseling, where oftentimes wives will come in and they'll talk about how they want their husband to lead and why isn't he doing this. And they'll list all the different ways that he should be leading or what they think he should be doing. But then as we talk more about it, the husband has experienced this I know best attitude from his wife. So eventually they get to a place where they're no longer offering ideas or
they're not trying to take the lead. Because if they try to take the lead, then their wife will take back the control and do things the way that she has it set up in her mind. And so after a while, this can feel dismissive and can really deflate your partner. And this is a situation, I think, a lot of times where one person or the other ends up feeling like they're the parent of the other and they get very frustrated.
But ultimately, when you're exuding this I know best type of mentality, you're basically taking on the role of the parent. And if you want a partnership, you have to treat your partner with mutual respect and intrigue at their differing line of thinking or their different thoughts or opinions on things.
So if you don't want to end up being the person who always ends up calling the shots and you never have any input or your partner is never taking the lead on anything, you have to make sure that you're setting up your relationship that way, where it's a, I mutually respect you. I want to hear what you have to say. I might not know best. I want to hear your opinion or I want to hear your take.
But it does require that stance of humility of, I'm not going to sit here, and even if maybe I am more knowledgeable on the subject, I am still going to listen to you intently, and I'm going to take into consideration what you had to say. And this gets confused with what is best and what I prefer. So there are situations where maybe you'd want it done a certain way, and it's not necessarily the right way or the best way, but that's your preference.
And so later on when we talk about control, it's that same idea where we exert this control over our spouse, thinking, why aren't they doing it this way? Or this is the best way to fold towels. Or why can't they do it this way? But it's not right or wrong. It's just different. It's preference. And so maybe there are certain things that will fit better in your household or in your family.
But you want to make sure that you're not discrediting them, which leads to them shutting down and then you being frustrated that they're shut down. Which goes right into the next sign that you're resisting influence stonewalling or shutting down when your partner shares an idea that you don't like do you just leave the conversation or tune out and if you do that's turning away rather than turning toward and being open to different ideas and this could be on either end.
Yeah, and I think instead of turning away and shutting down, you want to ask, okay, well, explain that more to me or help me to understand more of it. Because again, they may have said something you disagree with, or you think it should go a different direction. But this is also an opportunity for you to understand your partner at a deeper level.
And so if you take that opportunity to turn towards and you say, okay, well, explain it a little bit more to me, or let me hear a little more of what you're thinking about that, then you can have that better level of understanding.
But then also in those moments instead of stonewalling stop and say okay well here's a little bit why i prefer it this way or why i want it to go this direction but again you don't want to get locked into an argument where it's you're trying to prove should be this way or that way but you also don't want to just be dismissive or exit the conversation as soon as somebody gives any level of challenge because if we mutually respect our partner we would start off with the assumption that
they're sharing something valuable and even though right away hey, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't like it, if I respect them, I'm still gonna listen to them all the way through and hear them out. The next one is frequent undermining or dismissive comments. Phrases like, you don't get it, or that's not important, can be signals that you're not willing to let them shape your outlook or decisions. And when you're doing this, you're trying to dominate the conversation.
You're trying to argue and win the discussion as opposed to stopping and thinking, okay, well, if they don't get it or they're saying something that I don't think is important, I need to do a better job of expressing myself so that they do get what I'm trying to say. Or I need to make sure that I hear them all the way through to see why they think what they're saying is important.
And this is something I run into a lot of times during couples counseling where somebody might win the argument, but then they haven't actually won their spouse's perspective. Their spouse is like, okay, I don't want to argue with them anymore, or I can't express myself any better, but they've dismissed me in a way where I can't necessarily come back from it.
And so then they give up, but then they begrudgingly give up, meaning they haven't really shifted their perspective towards their spouse, but they're just like, okay, I'm just throwing my hands up and I'm giving up, which is not what you want from your partner. Because again, that's causing you to split and push further away from each other, as opposed to coming closer to each other and understanding better.
And then the final one is rigid control over certain areas. So if you believe certain topics or areas like finances or parenting are your domain alone. You're probably excluding your partner's influence without realizing it. And this is something that, again, it can be very difficult where it's like, OK, if I just do this, then there's no dissent or there's no disagreement.
But then again, you're barring out your partner's perspective and something that they could be bringing to the table that's very helpful. And again, this goes back down to that idea of respect. If you respect your partner, you want them to be involved in the finances or in the parenting because you understand that they bring something valuable to the table.
Again, this can be difficult because you might think your way is the right way, but this boils down to you having an open mind that they may have a different line of thinking that even though maybe logically it doesn't make sense to you, that there can be some benefit that you're not seeing and that your perspective on the world isn't the final standard on what truth is or what the outcome of things will be. So let me just recap those four signs that you're resisting influence.
Number one, consistent I know best attitude. Two, stonewalling or shutting down. Three, frequent undermining or dismissive comments. And four, rigid control over certain areas. And really when you look at all of that, at the core of that is ego or making your thoughts and opinions more valuable than your spouse's. And a very dominating approach where you're not coming at it from a team where Tim is my teammate and we're on the same team trying to achieve the same goals.
But it's almost like you're trying to dominate and win this conversation, win this argument. So if you catch yourself in any of these patterns, which I know that I'm guilty of as well, just recognize and be aware of which ones you are struggling with. And it's entirely possible to shift from being rigid and shutting them out and shutting down to being more open and turning toward them, wanting their input, letting go of control.
But you first have to recognize that you're doing this. And that really does take humbling yourself. So we're going to end there for today's episode. But stay tuned to the next episode where we're going to continue this topic. And we're going to talk about overcoming common obstacles, as well as practical ways to let your partner influence you. So we'll see you in the next episode. Have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing.
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