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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. We're going to be continuing from the last episode where we start to talk about bids for connection and turning toward. And in the last episode, we talked a little bit about the three options that Klotman talks about when there's a bid for connection, where your partner reaches out in some way and is just trying to engage you, no matter how small it is.
And that you had the option of turning toward them, meaning that you engage with them. Turning away from them, that would be ignoring, dismissing them, or turning against them. And that's just what it sounds like, that you are turning against them and responding with irritation or criticism or aggression. And so we talked about why it's crucial in relationships to turn toward each other.
And we gave everyday examples that you may run into or experience when you have that bid for connection and how you can turn toward them. So in today's episode, we're going to talk a little bit about barriers to turning toward your partner and how to overcome them, as well as just strategies to help you choose to turn toward your partner more often. All right, let's jump into today's episode. So why might we fail to turn towards our partner? Here's some common barriers.
One is distractions and technology. It's easy to miss a bid when you're constantly scrolling on social media or engrossed in emails. And we talked about even if you're watching TV together, it's easy just to kind of scroll on your phone while you're watching. But when there are funny moments, those are missed opportunities to connect. And we're not saying you have to always have your phone down, but we are so engrossed in it as a society that we do miss a lot of opportunities.
And this may even be not necessarily a bid for a connection from your spouse, but when you're at the store and you're walking into a store on your phone, you don't even look up to acknowledge people around you or you're standing in line. Granted, it's a different scenario, right? Because we're talking about bids for a connection from your spouse. But technology, as much of a blessing as it is, it really is a barrier to connection.
Even if you're laying in bed at night and you're scrolling on your phone rather than just having a conversation with your spouse. So a little solution to that is to set up phone-free zones or times and practice mindfulness and be present when your partner's speaking. And so there might be a specific time of day where it's okay if we're at the dinner table and the phone's at the dinner table. If we're watching a show together, we're going to put the phones down and just
pay attention to the show. or just a particular part of the evening where it's like, hey, we're going to have some time where we're just not going to be on our phones at all and we'll just spend some time together doing something. Or I know a practice that I really appreciate is if we're watching something in different rooms or we're on our phone, you're listening to a video and I come into the room, you'll immediately stop it.
Even if I haven't said anything because there's an opportunity for connection or maybe I do want to say something. And not that it has to be such a strict thing. And if you don't do that, I don't get upset or I don't feel like, oh, my gosh, he doesn't care about me. But I think that's because so often you do stop it and you do show me that I'm more important to what you're listening to or you're acknowledging that there might be some opportunity of connection.
So when you don't stop it, it doesn't bother me. But when you do stop it, it really does make a difference to me. I think this also probably plays into it is that you don't necessarily have the expectation of me that I do it because it's not a hard, fast rule that we have, but it's just a general showing of respect and care we have for each other when we do that. Another barrier to turning toward is chronic stress and overwhelm.
So when you're dealing with personal anxiety or burnout or overwhelm, you might just unintentionally tune out. You just have a lot on your plate, a lot in your mind, and you may not be trying to tune them out. But maybe that stuff just really takes a hold of you. And so the solution to that would be to communicate openly with them about your stress or to ask your partner to give you a clear signal when they need your attention. And this is something we kind of addressed in the last episode.
If I just start talking to Tim, a lot of times he'll respond, but I know that he's not fully present. But he's asked me in the past to get his attention when I want to talk to him. And so he mentioned how I don't get mad and I'm gracious with that. But I think part of that is because I recognize, oh no, I didn't do my part to get his attention. and he just knows himself well enough to know that whatever he's focusing on, that's what he's focusing on.
So if I start talking to him, he's not really paying attention and he would rather me get his attention so that we can have a good conversation or I can ask my question with him fully being present. Another barrier might be emotional injuries. So unresolved resentment or trauma can make you wary of engaging.
You might also shut down to try and protect yourself. and so you might have these natural inclinations to turn away or to turn against because of difficult situations in your relationship but also these little things of choosing to try and turn toward are things that can help improve the dynamics and can make it better and in those moments you might not feel like it but if you want to turn the ship around you want to start going in a new direction
choosing to turn towards your partner and respond positively to their bids for connection is definitely a good place to start working on. But if, for example, you are struggling too deeply and you can't seem to push yourself past those negative emotions to try to respond positively to those bids, you might need to do some additional counseling or some additional work outside in order to correct that barrier. And the final barrier that we'll talk about is a habitual turning away.
Some couples get stuck in a pattern where they are just constantly ignoring each other's bids. Not out of malice, but just out of routine. They're kind of in their own world, doing their own thing. Maybe they're busy with work or busy with the kids, but there are bids throughout the day that aren't being responded to. And so when we say they're not being responded to, that is a response, but the response is that you're turning away from them. You're not turning toward them.
And so the solution is to make a conscious effort and an intentional effort to notice small bids that your partner makes. And a good place to start would be to set a goal with, I'll intentionally respond to three of my partner's bids today. And so by doing that, it forces you to pay attention and look for, well, at least three bids. But I can guarantee that throughout the day, there are more than three bids happening. But at least you're setting the goal to be purposeful as you respond to that.
And it's important to not beat yourself up if you realize that you have been turning away frequently. But being aware of it is a really good first step. And then talk through it. Apologize if that's necessary. and then start making those small changes. So those are some barriers and how we can overcome them. But now let's talk about strategies and ways that we can deliberately build a habit of turning toward each other.
So in the last episode, we talked a little bit about examples of what turning towards looks like. But now these are going to be specific actions. And so the first one we're going to talk about is active listening. When you're doing active listening, you're going to be practicing eye contact.
You're going to nod along with their story. or you're going to give short verbal responses like I hear you that's interesting or oh wow and actually it's funny just the other day I saw a video about nodding and it was talking about how you can really see and it will make you feel much more connected based on how the person does the nod if you do kind of three short curt nods that's basically saying come on move on faster like I'm not interested but if you do kind of slow more methodical
nods along with them then that genuinely makes the other person feel more connected to you. And so they will receive those nods, you turning towards them. And so when you're doing active listening, you definitely want to put down the phone or pause the TV just for a moment. And these gestures can reinforce that positive turning toward moment. The second strategy is validation. So even if you can't fix the problem that they're bringing to you or they're sharing with you, show empathy.
And being able to say things like, gosh, that sounds tough. Or I can understand why you're upset. Or man, that's a hard situation. Because by validating, it acknowledges your partner's feelings as real and important. And you might never fix the problem, but at least you are turning toward them and letting them know, hey, I know that situation is tough, but I'm here and you're not alone in this. So the next strategy is follow up questions.
If your partner says, work was rough today, respond with something like, do you want to talk about it or what happened? That gentle curiosity signals you're genuinely interested in their day-to-day emotional life.
And if you stop and think about a statement like that, work was rough today, they're not just stating a fact, but if work was rough, they probably need some emotional support or they just need some, just like in the last one we said, some validation, like, oh, I'm so sorry, that was difficult. Again, you can't fix that they had a rough day, but you acknowledging and asking a follow-up question shows them that you care. And even though it doesn't change how their day went, it's helping their day
now to go better afterwards. It makes me think of the example that we use your partner saying, I had a weird dream last night. You could respond with. But really being able to ask follow-up questions will show that you're interested. The next strategy is small acts of kindness. And this is just subtle ways to let them know that you are thinking of them. That maybe you're out and about going throughout the day and you see a candy bar that they like.
Or you know that they've been working from home and they need a refill on water and you go and get that. These are small ways to just let them know that I love you and I care for you. One of my favorite ones to do for you is I'll be walking around the house and I'll find your 75% full energy drink. And then I know she got distracted or forgot about it. And so then I'll find her and I'll bring it over to her so that she can finish it off. Or go down to 50%.
And then I'll find it later. And bring it back to me. And then the last one that we're going to share for today is shared rituals. So what you want to do is implement a daily or weekly check-in to talk about each other's day anxieties or joys. One of the ones we like to do is the daily dialogue, the three questions. We have a whole episode on that. What did you appreciate about our relationship today? What didn't you appreciate about our relationship today? How can I help you?
And that's a great time where we have an opportunity to turn towards each other. Even bringing up that conversation about the daily dialogue is turning towards each other. So if you take even just 10 minutes and you focus on that conversation, that can help prime you to be better at catching and responding to bids throughout the rest of the day.
So to close out our episode on principle number three, turning towards each other instead of turning away, it's all about recognizing those micro moments of connection. It's about choosing to acknowledge, respond, and show interest rather than ignoring and dismissing your partner. All right, guys, we hope this episode was helpful for you. Tune in next time when we go into Gottman's fourth strategy, which is letting your partner influence you.
All right, guys, thanks so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Music. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes,
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