Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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We're going to be continuing our series where we're talking about Gottman's seven principles for a healthy relationship. And today's episode is going to be centered on turning toward and responding to small, everyday bids for connection. Things like a smile, a comment about their day, or a request for help, these seemingly minor interactions actually form the backbone of a strong relationship.
Over time, how we respond to these moments, choosing to engage rather than to ignore can make the difference between a relationship that is thriving and one that is slowly drifting apart. So let's break down what it means to turn towards your partner. Why is it crucial and how do we do it on a daily basis? Gottman uses the phrase bids for connection to describe those moments when your partner reaches out in some way hoping for a positive response.
It can be verbal, like saying, look at this funny meme, or non-verbal, like a sigh or a longing look saying, I need comfort. And I think these little moments, they pop up all the time and we can be easily distracted by our phone or paying attention to something else, or we can be in the middle of a thought, and then all of a sudden our partner is bidding us. And whether we take those bids or not is very important to how healthy or strong the relationship is.
So as your partner does these bids for connection, there are several options in how you're going to respond. Turning toward these bids means that you engage. Even if it's a simple, oh man, that's so funny, or a gentle touch on the shoulder, both of those can meet that bid. But the other options, instead of turning toward, is turning away or even turning against.
So turning away would be ignoring them, dismissing them, or half-heartedly responding to them, like a grunt while you're staring at your phone. Or even worse is turning against, and this means that you're responding with irritation or criticism. Why are you bothering me right now? Or if they make a comment and you say, so?
Gottman's research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other build emotional trust and resilience, whereas those who frequently miss or reject bids tend to grow more disconnected and vulnerable to negativity. And it's not that you have to be perfectly attuned to each other 24-7. But this is a general pattern of attentiveness and warmth, and that goes a long way.
And actually, Ruth, you're so good about this because very frequently you'll be telling me something or you'll just start a conversation with me, and I think a lot of times I'll respond with an appropriate response, but you could tell I'm not really fully in that conversation. And you're always so gracious to say, you weren't really listening, were you? And you read me like a book and you were a hundred percent right.
And in that situation, it can cause a conflict. But instead, you're very gentle with me and you just say, you weren't listening, were you? And I and I jump right in. I said, no, I wasn't. And then whatever I was thinking about or whatever is in the middle of doing, I try to stop that. And then I try to turn towards in those moments. And I appreciate when you acknowledge that and you do turn toward you're so good at responding rather than getting defensive.
Because what could happen is I say something acknowledging that, okay, you're saying the right things, but I don't really think you're hearing me. And it would be easy for you to say, no, I heard you. And then to get defensive and continue on trying to prove that you heard me. And I might even be able to recount to you a couple of things that you did say, but at the very least, I've missed portions of it and I wasn't fully attuned to what you were saying in that moment.
Oh, for sure. And it's actually pretty impressive how you can respond and it really is the right words coming out of your mouth, but I can tell that connection isn't there. And so I may be asking a question and you may be answering that question, but looking somewhere else. And it actually is impressive to me how much you really can carry on a conversation with someone and not just you.
I think in general, we all do that where we aren't fully paying attention, whether to our spouses or to our children. And I know that I'm guilty of that with you, but even with our children, where they'll be telling me a story or a dream or something and I'll be like, oh, yeah, uh-huh. And at the end I'm like oh no what did they say. And so I'm thankful that you acknowledge it and then you do turn toward and you do connect.
Well, I think a part of it is you do make it easy for me to acknowledge like, no, actually, I really wasn't paying full attention there because you don't blast me afterwards or you don't get on my case. Then I turn towards and then you just restate what it was that you were trying to say to me. And I think that easily could cause a whole lot of conflict. And I think part of this are personality differences, right?
I'm very single track, focused minded. And so if out of the blue, you just start talking to me, 95% of the time, I think you're not going to get my full attention. But then when you regroup like that, then you can get my full attention. Versus for you, I think it's much easier for you to be focusing on two things at the same time and take in all the information.
But that is an important point that even if you feel like you can be doing two things at once, turning toward when you see these bids for connection or your partner or your children are having these bids for connection. And that could even be a glance or a look, right, where they don't even say anything to you, but we're watching a movie and there's a funny part. And so I look over at Tim, where I know our children do this a lot.
If we watch a family movie together, at the funny parts, they'll turn to Tim and see if he's laughing or how he's responding. And it's easy to miss that bid for connection if you're on your phone or you're doing paperwork while you're watching a movie. But that's a clear bid for connection that I can see in our children. So why is this principle so powerful? For one, turning towards each other fosters a sense of being seen and valued.
If I share a little piece of my day, even if it's trivial, and my partner acknowledges it, with genuine interest, it helps you to feel more emotionally connected. This consistent show of interest also acts like a safety net. When big issues arise, maybe conflict, anxiety, trauma triggers, the foundation of turning toward each other daily makes it easier to handle the bigger stuff. Your distrusted partner cares about your thoughts and feelings.
And this is something that I think is really important that people miss is that these moments really are how you foster good feelings towards each other and how you foster that deeper level of trust. Because when those conflicts do arise, if you have positive feelings towards your partner, it makes it way easier for you to behave towards them in a much more gentle and forgiving way.
Exactly. And in relationships where your spouse frequently missed these bids for connection, resentment can build up. We've talked a lot in the past about how resentment and bitterness can kill your marriage because those roots become so deep and so thick that they're hard to uproot. And so these bids for connection, although they seem small or they think, oh, it's just this one interaction, those things build up over time. And one partner might think they never listen.
You never care about the little things. Why would I trust them with the big things? Or I think this is where we can start to get into trouble where someone feels like they never listen or they're never heard or what they say doesn't matter.
And then it's easier to go to work and have someone listen to you and they build the connection there which is dangerous and a lot of that could lead to affairs and justifying that and why they didn't feel that in their marriage and you can feel kind of those pangs in your chest or that frustration and irritation that starts to build up but on the other hand if you respond with turning toward the person, turning toward each other, it really fosters positivity in your relationship and connection,
and it strengthens your bond over time. And these bids for connection are really all throughout the day. So let's look at just practical, common, everyday examples that you might see these bid for connection and the turning towards. So maybe in the morning, you guys are having coffee, and one person says, I had a weird dream. You have the option of turning toward, turning away, or turning against. But turning toward would look like, really? What happened?
And that simple answer, that simple curiosity is turning toward, because you're engaging in the conversation. You're letting them know that you want to know more. And even though the contents of the dream might not be particularly important, your partner is important. and because they're showing interest in wanting to talk about that with you, you're showing them that you value them by taking the time to listen to their dream. Another example are small requests for help.
Can you hand me the measuring cup? Or I'm trying to decide what color to paint this room. What do you think? Answering kindly or showing genuine interest is a small but crucial example of turning towards. And this is something I think we had also talked about where a lot of times you'll ask me about a clothing item or about my opinion about this or the other thing. And for a long time, I'd say, well, I don't care. Either way, whatever you like better, do that one.
But you told me one time, I think you said, I want to hear what you think. And I want to understand what you think looks good. And even though you might not choose something that I suggest, you still value understanding the way that I look at things or how I view them. And so I remember I made this decision where it's like, OK, even if it's like a 51-49, if I have any level of opinion, I try to give you that opinion as opposed to just saying, well, I don't care.
Either is fine. Oh, for sure. That's the exact example that I was going to bring up because that is just a small request for help. And I was talking to a couple of clients this week about this very thing because we want to know what you're thinking. And it really is easy to say, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. And what you might be saying with that is you look great in both of them. It doesn't matter. You choose them and I will love it.
But when you say, I don't care, it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't come across that way. It comes across as you don't really care. And so as I was talking to the couple about this, exactly what you said, Tim, I said, if you have any preference, then you want to make sure that you voice that because she's asking and she wants to know. And really, it's just another bid for connection.
So those small requests like to help read something on the shelf or to hand the salt, rather than saying, well, it's right there, you can get it yourself. A good turning toward would be to respond in a kind way or to help them. Another example is emotional expression. So after reading a stressful email, your partner might sigh. And even that sigh or emotional expression might be a bid. Because a partner who notices that might ask, Hey, are you okay? Or what's up? Or do you want to talk about it?
Even if the conversation is quick, you're showing, hey, I noticed that small sigh and I'm engaging. Another example is sharing humor. So it might be something as simple as sharing a reel or a TikTok or a meme. And something small like that can be easy to brush off or ignore, but that's turning away. Versus watching it with them or laughing or commenting about what they had sent you. Those are all opportunities, again, to connect.
I always like to tell people, most relationships die because of death by a thousand cuts. But the healthy relationships, they are living because of life by a thousand breaths. and all these little interactions, they do build up over time and they end up being very meaningful over the course of the relationship. Another example is physical affection. So a spontaneous hug or gentle touch while passing in the hallway, accepting and returning that touch is turning toward.
Shrugging it off or walking away is turning away from your partner. And in that moment, you might not even mean anything negative when you turn away from them like that, but that's sending a signal to your partner that you didn't care or you didn't appreciate it, even if that's not the message you're intending to send. So in each of those moments, how you respond can make a world of difference, even if it's such a small gesture, but it shows them that you do matter.
So over time, these many affirmations and these many interactions and connection opportunities add up to really a tremendous amount in your emotional bank or your love tank. You don't feel like you're always running on empty because throughout the day you're continually turning toward and adding some gas or depositing some money into the relationship.
So we're going to stop there for today's episode, but please join us in the next episode as we continue this topic on bids for connection and responding with turning toward. And we'll continue with discussing barriers toward that, as well as strategies for being able to turn toward your partner. All right, you guys have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs.
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