Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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us today. Our last episode was talking about nurturing fondness and admiration. And today we're continuing talking about that, but we're going to be diving into obstacles that we may have for creating that fondness and admiration. This is a series that we're doing on Gottman's 7 Principles for Healthy Relationships. So there are definitely several obstacles that can cause it to be very difficult to have fondness or admiration for our partner. And one of those is a buildup of resentment.
So past hurts or unresolved conflicts that are lingering can make it hard for us to see the good in our partner. If that's the case, you might need to address the underlying issues through communication, counseling, or some other form of support to try to free up the space to be able to be positive. And one of the things that I think is important to know is that, especially if your relationship's in a rough spot, you're not going to feel
like doing this. You're not going to want to try to nurture fondness and admiration for your partner. And that bitterness is something that holds you back. But one of the things too is just starting the action. And even though it might feel like you're going through the motion and you don't feel like this is real or genuine, when you're just pressing yourself to try to do that activity, as you do it more often, it will become more natural to you.
And I think people get stuck in the area where it's like, well, I don't want to do it unless I feel like doing it. But this is something we tell our clients all the time. Your feelings are not a good barometer by which you should make your decisions. They tell you that there's a problem there, but it doesn't tell you what you should or shouldn't do.
So if you allow that feeling of resentment or bitterness that you have towards your partner to cause you to not do good things towards them, then what you're doing is you're dooming yourself to be stuck in that state for a longer period of time. And so in this instance, you might not feel a lot of feelings of fondness and admiration.
But I'm sure there are things where you can think about where you're logically like, yes, that is something I do like that they do, or that is something that I admire that they do, even if I don't feel that way right now. I know those are admirable qualities. And so you want to go through the actions of still trying to press through to show that fondness and admiration, even if your emotions aren't leading you to do that.
And just in general, when we look at relationships, resentment is something that you want to take care of as soon as you can, because that root of bitterness and that root of resentment can be really difficult to dig up, especially if it's compiled over time. And it's not impossible to dig up. It's not impossible to uproot it. But it's easier to uproot it if you're addressing the resentment as it comes up.
And sometimes this is just a pattern or a cycle you see in your relationship where you just have resentment over that. So this overall feeling of resentment because I feel like I don't get enough help around the house or he doesn't see the work that I do. Or maybe you go to work for the family and you are the one supporting the family financially, but you don't feel like you're appreciated. You feel like once you get home, it's still not good enough and you get nagged at.
And so there's this overall resentment that you feel because of the patterns of the relationship. But then there can also be resentment based on specific things that have happened that have never really been healed. Or maybe it's a wound on top of a wound. Something happens and then you guys began to work on that and heal from that. And then something else happens. Maybe they lied again and that hurt you again. And just that build up of resentment is causing a divide in your relationship.
And so it really is important to take care of that resentment. And a lot of times I hear this, and you probably hear this too, Tim, people say, I don't know if I could ever forget that, or I don't know if I could ever forgive that. But it is possible. And the health of your marriage depends on that.
And so whether it's that overall pattern and cycles that happen that you have resentment of, or maybe it's those individual situations and experiences that you've gone through, it's really important to handle that resentment.
But just to remind you there is hope you can get help with it and even though you feel like oh man I might never forget that you may never forget it but you can get to a point where that thing doesn't have a hold of you anymore and so we always talk about EMDR we always talk about how that can help you but really in this area of a resentment I've seen time and time again how EMDR can really help you where you feel like I've gotten to a point where I don't hold that resentment anymore.
And I am able to see the qualities of my spouse that I love. And I'm able to offer them that fondness and admiration. Whereas when you have this built-up resentment, it's really hard to find that. And the next obstacle is very closely tied to that, which is stress or trauma. So this may be an area where I talked about it was that single event or multiple events that have happened that has caused trauma either personally in your own life or in your marriage.
But when you're dealing with trauma or high stress, it's easy to slip back into that survival mode, focusing on negative or immediate problems.
But taking even brief moments to take a step back and notice your partner's efforts can shift your internal dialogue from i'm just surviving i can't get past this trauma i can't even get a breath of air to be able to shift and look at your partner and see what you admire about them what are the things that you love about them and if it was a marital trauma this is so closely tied to that builds up resentment. And both of these are huge obstacles to be able to have that fondness and admiration.
And I do think sometimes people's stress and trauma, they're too far down the line, meaning that it's almost impossible for them to walk themselves out of that survival mode. So, for example, if you're walking around and you have some pretty severe PTSD, you're not really switching back and forth between survival mode and what I like to call abundant living or safe mode. You're stuck in this survival mode on this continual basis.
So then whenever a little problem might arise between you and your partner, then it caused you to then want to fight or have conflict with them over this thing, even though it was a relatively small thing. Just because everything feels like it's in danger, everything feels like it's scary, everything feels like it's super intense, there is a possibility that you might not be able to just walk your way out of that.
And if that's the case, you definitely want to look at getting some emdr therapy and if you're really stuck in that place where it's like i just cannot make myself do healthy things with my partner we have a link in our description down below where you can set up a consultation or we have another link where you could just book an appointment. So the next thing, and we did kind of address this in the last episode, it's familiarity and complacency.
Over time, you might assume you already know everything about your partner. This can lead you to neglect daily admiration. We want you to stay curious and keep that spark alive in your relationship. And again, when you're thinking about becoming familiar, one of our superpowers as humans is to be able to adapt to our environment. And one of the things that we very quickly become accustomed to is when things are going well.
And then we can forget what life would be like if we didn't have our partner there who was doing those things for us because after a couple months or a couple of years all of a sudden now this is just a normal part of my life but if suddenly they were gone i would be missing this part of my life i'd be missing what they are contributing here if they weren't here any longer and so when you stop and you think about it in those terms it can help you not to
be complacent with the benefits or the great aspects of your partner and the things that they do that might make your life easier or better. Makes me think of that phrase, familiarity breeds contempt, which really is just this idea that as we get closer to people and as we have these long-term relationships, oftentimes we experience this lack of respect that we originally had.
I think this can happen in marriages where initially in relationships, you were trying to, you know, please the other person and show them the best parts of you. So that's what they knew about you. But as you got closer, you saw different things. Oftentimes, Aesop is credited with coining the phrase familiarity breeds contempt. And one of the tales that is attributed with that is the fox and the lion.
And one of the translations goes like this. When first the fox saw the lion, he was terribly frightened and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time, however, he came near the king of beasts, he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another, the fox went straight up to the lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again.
Then turning his tail, he parted from the lion without much ceremony. And so I do think that it's interesting. It can breed contempt, but it also, just like you're saying, it can bring relationship. And I think it has a lot to do with what is your underlying assumptions going in. So you might see somebody. So this fox saw this lion and thought, oh, man, like he's powerful. He's terrifying. He's scary. And then he got to know him a little bit. And then it's like,
oh, it's just another animal. It's not a big deal. And then left without much ceremony, meaning like, oh, I'm not really afraid of you anymore kind of a thing. And if you go in looking at somebody, idolizing them, thinking they're such a wonderful, amazing human being, and then later on you find out maybe they weren't all that they were cracked up to be, then all of a sudden you might have feelings of contempt for them. But the inverse is also true. You might see somebody from afar and think,
man, I don't really like them. I think they're a bad person. But then as you get to know them, you connect with them. You're like, oh, actually, you know what? Maybe they just seem a little rough when you're first trying to get to know them. But when you really do get to know them, they're kind of a teddy bear and they're actually really nice and kind and gentle. And so it can definitely go both ways. But I think in our relationship, a lot of times that familiarity can breed contempt.
You will see the good parts of your partner, but you also see the bad parts of your partner. And if you went into your relationship thinking that they were going to be nothing but perfect your entire relationship, you are going to be dragged to reality, kicking and screaming. And it's going to breed some levels of contempt when you find out, oh, this is how they operate and I don't like that and I'm frustrated about how they choose to do this.
But this is something I always like to tell my couples is that, you know, each person is going to have their own level of difficulty. They're going to have their own things that you struggle with. So whether you're with this person or somebody else, you may not struggle with the exact same thing, but there's going to be some level of unmasking that happens where it's like, oh, they do that or they're into that and I don't like that or I'm frustrated by this.
And so every relationship has this possibility of having this contempt bread or the feelings of complacency take place in that relationship. And what it really does require is you trying to push past those, not just getting stuck in that complacency, but continuing to try to work at admiring and getting to know your partner at a deeper level. So those three obstacles, all of those can make it difficult to foster and nurture this fondness and admiration.
But there are steps and strategies you can take to come back from that. And like we already talked about, counseling, getting help, really digging up the roots of some of this. But even going back to the last episode and practicing some of those practical steps that we shared to be able to nurture this. But even just starting small with an exercise that'll help you focus on gratitude for each other, like journaling one to three things that you appreciate about your partner every single day.
And over time, as you have to kind of search for more and more things that you're thankful for, you'll be able to go deeper and figure out what are the things that I truly do value and love about them. And this can soften those resentments and shift your perspective just on a day-to-day basis. So we're going to give you a quick scenario of a couple, Sam and Taylor, who were just overwhelmed with parenting, busy schedules, and just the stresses of life.
So Sam felt like Taylor never appreciated his efforts around the house. And Taylor felt like Sam was emotionally distant. Over time, they really lost sight of each other's good qualities and the qualities that they loved and admired at one point. But one day, Sam and Taylor realized, we don't want to do this anymore. And they remembered the idea of daily admiration. So each night, they had to name one thing that they appreciated about the other person.
And at first, it felt awkward. But they were able to acknowledge things like, thank you for cooking. Or thank you for folding laundry. But within weeks, they were offering even deeper compliments. Like, I admire your patience for our toddler. where I love how you always know how to make me laugh. And it was a gradual transformation over time. But that small practice of each night finding something that they admired in each other helped them to reconnect on a really genuine level.
By focusing on each other's good traits, they were able to nurture and foster and renew that fondness and admiration. And it was a reminder of why they fell in love in the first place. And that's a great idea of how this can kind of operate. And so it could be words, too. But also, I think one of the things that we regularly do is we definitely do physical affection frequently. So when we see each other in the morning, we might hug each other.
Or when someone's leaving the house, we stop and we kiss each other. And it can even be some simple things like, oh, how with each other, it helps reinforce the emotional connection between you.
And I think that's one of the things that's really important is that these are emotionally based things that we're working at trying to create these emotional positive feelings towards each other, because the stronger our feelings are towards each other, the easier it is for us to overcome other difficult or adverse situations. Oh, I totally agree. That's one of the many things that I appreciate about you, Tim. and it gives me a level of comfort and lets me know kind of how we're doing.
Almost every time that we pass each other, you give me a little touch or some kind of reassurance and that really does help make me feel like we're connected. So Gottman's nurturing fondness and admiration principles, they might sound simple, but it's a powerful way to fortify your relationship's emotional foundation. When tough times or conflicts arise, this reservoir of positive emotions can be the difference between a conflict arising or you easily being able to work through it.
So a quick thing that you could do is to set aside two minutes tonight and share one specific thing that you admire about your partner. And then another thing is just make a commitment to being consistent with working on it. We're also going to post a little worksheet on our Facebook page about steps you can take towards making sure that you're increasing your fondness and admiration for each other. All right, guys, that's all the time that we have for today.
We hope you enjoyed this episode. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes,
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Thank you again for joining us on Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Remember, there's always hope and there's always help. Music.