Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
We've spent our lives supporting people through the ups and downs, and we want to share these insights with you. Together, we'll unravel the layers of personal and building healthy relationships. Each week, we'll bring you engaging conversations, expert insights, and practical strategies to help you heal from the past, foster healthy communication, and develop enduring love.
This podcast is your guide to transforming adversity into triumph, healing wounds and past trauma, gaining wisdom and insight, and creating meaningful, fulfilling connections. So if you're here to heal, to better understand yourself or your relationships, you're in the right place. So sit back, get comfortable, bring your trauma and your drama, and let's start healing. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Music.
Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. In the last episode, we talked about single event traumas and how EMDR can help you overcome and really heal from those traumas. But in today's episode, we're going to talk about complex trauma.
And complex PTSD, and how EMDR can also help you to heal and move forward from multiple traumas that oftentimes can feel so enveloping and seem like there really is no hope, and this is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. But we're going to talk about that today and how that doesn't have to be the case. So we're going to talk through a scenario of Alex and how he experienced multiple traumas throughout his life.
And we hope that as you're listening, if you also experience multiple traumas, that this really does give you hope and give you some direction to get on a path to heal from these traumas. So let's consider Alex. He's had multiple traumas over several stages of his life. A difficult childhood where he experienced emotional abuse, a turbulent adolescence involving frequent moves, bullying, and later an abusive relationship in his early adulthood.
Instead of just one isolated event, Alex's trauma is cumulative. Each incident adds layers of emotional pain and negative beliefs, like, I'm never safe, I can't trust anyone, or I'm permanently damaged. So Alex struggles with chronic anxiety, nightmares. He has a persistent sense of being on edge. He's kind of on high alert all the time.
In his personal relationships, you can see his mistrust. And he tends to either cling to people out of fear of abandonment or push them away if things get too close. And over time, Alex has internalized messages like, I must be the problem. There's something wrong with me. I'm unlovable. These are all beliefs that contribute to unhealthy and toxic relationships, as well as internal emotional dysregulation.
And you can see that it builds up over time. And with EMDR, that's really what we're going after. Not just the event itself, but the negative beliefs that lie under it. Now, one of the things that makes this approach a little bit more complex is that there are multiple things that might be causing the same problem. And so you might be anxious, but that anxiety might be connected to the abuse experience as a child and the bullying that they experienced.
And then on top of that, the many moves that they made and then also the abusive relationship. And so when you see that there's multiple different reasons why the anxiety is being created, oftentimes what happens is when you have complex PTSD or you have complex trauma. Working through one memory, although it will bring you a benefit, might not fully resolve the symptoms you came into therapy for.
You might have to work through several memories in order to get the end benefit and outcome that you're looking or hoping for. And this can be difficult for people coming in because they want to get better fast, because they're experiencing pretty heavy symptoms. And relief is definitely something that can come relatively quickly with the
EMDR process. But again, compared to the single trauma event, it's going to take additional time and additional negative belief systems that you have to work through in order to get them to a healthy place.
So, for example, looking at all these different traumas that Alex has gone through, depending on how the traumas are presenting right now, The therapist might choose to go back to the earliest events that he can recall, or for example, that abusive relationship that he had when he was an adult. Sometimes that memory can really stick out like a sore thumb, and it's hard to think about any of the past traumas when you have a present trauma, even though that relationship might now be over.
But that it can be all-encompassing, and it can be hard to think about anything else other than that. And so the therapist might choose, okay, because we can't go back to the earlier traumas, let's deal with this clear and present trauma that's happening right now. And we'll work through that.
And then Alex may get some sense of relief from that experience and feel like, okay, dating feels more comfortable or being in another long-term relationship feels more comfortable, but then might still be suffering with the negative belief of I am permanently damaged, even though we worked on one of those traumas.
And what Alex would notice is that there would be a decrease in the sense of anxiety, but because this isn't a single event cause of the anxiety, you're going to have to work through multiple events in order to really reduce that anxiety. There are occasions where clients have what I like to call linchpin memories, where if you get that one memory, it can kind of cause the rest of the memories to fall in dominoes. But with people who have complex trauma or complex PTSD, that's not normally
the case. Normally, it does require just kind of putting your nose to the grindstone and working through multiple traumas in order to get those desired outcomes. So, for example, if we did end up working through and processing through that recent relationship issue, once we had resolved that, now all of a sudden it might be easier to go back to and then start working on the original trauma from the emotional abuse that he received from his parents.
And so then we'd drop back in and we'd start working on those earlier memories and start processing through that. And then we knock that one off, then again, Alex might feel more of a sense of calm and security in himself, but he might be still exhibiting unhealthy behaviors or still be struggling with an unhealthy level of anxiety. Now again, the anxiety might drop, but if he's still walking around with that anxiety, we really haven't fully finished what we're looking to finish.
And so really what you want to think about for complex trauma is it's this onion and we've got to peel back these layers and layers and layers all the way until we get to the core and then there's nothing left. We've peeled back all the layers, we've worked through, and we've processed through all of the trauma. And again, EMDR is a relatively quick process, but when it comes to complex trauma, it does just take more time.
It's not something that you can get through very fast, like we were talking about in the last episode when Ruth's EMDR therapist said, hey, I think I can fix this trauma in three sessions. That's not how complex trauma works. It generally takes more sessions per memory, and then more memories to really get to a healthy, normal level of functioning. Right. And so you will see those tangible changes over time.
And as you go through the different memories, you're going to have these emerging insights and be able to see patterns, how this past abuse led to certain beliefs about being unworthy or that feeling of being doomed to fail. And as you connect these beliefs to their origins, it helps Alex to challenge and replace him with healthier self-talk. So I can protect myself now, or I do deserve supportive relationships.
And as you're working through the trauma and you're experiencing some of the tangible changes over time, I know you talked about, Tim, the anxiety reduction. And that can feel like such a huge relief because when that anxiety is constant, it can feel like there's no hope and this is something that's not going to change over time. But as Alex begins to process those layers of trauma, the constant state of
alertness and his fears begin to calm down. And so there's a reduction of that hypervigilance that he was experiencing. And panic attacks and nightmares become less frequent or they disappear totally. Some other tangible changes over time is healthier boundaries and relationships. So the intense fear of abandonment or need for codependent reassurance begins to minimize. And Alex can set boundaries or say no when appropriate and trust others in a measured, realistic way.
And there are times when he can't trust others and it's not safe to trust them but he has a healthier view and a healthier perspective on that and is more insightful on when it is safe and when it's not safe. He experiences improved self-confidence so as he's freed from the burden of repeated negative beliefs those things that he tells himself again and again and again And Alex feels more capable at work, more assertive with friends.
And he's more open to new experiences without the overwhelming fear of being hurt again. And a lot of times, the protections that you set up, at some point, they were helpful. It was necessary at some point, and it was helpful then. But as circumstances change, those protections can now be detrimental to you. So the things that were once keeping you safe are now preventing you from living a healthy life.
And so those walls that you put up to protect yourself from harm, now those walls are stopping you from healthy relationships and healthy connections. And so EMDR will help you to really make that connection of, okay, I needed this at one point and it served me well, but it's no longer serving me and I need to take it down to be able to experience love and happiness. And joy, and to understand that I am safe, I am in control.
Working with people with complex PTSD really does help remind me of why we do this work. And I'm sure it's the same for you, Tim. We've seen multiple people with complex PTSD and multiple traumas. And sometimes we're their last stop. They feel like, I've tried everything else, and I don't really think that this is going to work, but one of my friends told me I should come and try this EMDR thing.
And we've had clients who have come in with their list of traumas, not believing that they would be healed or taken care of, really not believing or having any faith in the process, which I totally understand. I don't fault them for it. I don't hold it against them.
But it is such an awesome process to be able to see people's lives change and to be able to really work through these multiple traumas and to see how as we heal each layer that they are beginning to find that hope and find that healing.
Oh, for sure. And I can think of several clients who they came in for a long period of time and it was a situation happened major blowout situation happened major block week after week month after month and then once the EMDR really starts to take hold it's so crazy to watch the content of the session totally shift where major situation happened then I handled it this way and then it went well next session major situation
happened I handled it this way and it went well from them going where everything seems to be this horrific disaster to them overcoming every challenge that gets thrown their direction. And it's not because the world changed around them, but it's because they changed the input that they put into the world. And so even though somebody else might be bringing chaos into their life, because they handle it in a different way.
They nullify that chaos or they stop the tide of that chaos from overwhelming or sweeping them away. And it really is a very powerful thing when you go through this and you go from a life that you just feel like is completely unmanageable with relationships that are unmanageable to now all of a sudden it's like, man, when problems come up, I always seem to have the solution to it.
I can solve these problems because what happens is your brain starts shifting from being in this crisis mode to in this solution oriented mode. So instead of whenever something comes up, it's a crisis, it's awful, it's terrible, your brain's now like, oh, that's a problem. Okay, well, here's a solution. I'll do this, that, and the other thing.
And then this problem will be solved. Or then I tried to do these healthy things, people didn't respond, so I'm going to put some distance and protect myself so that their drama doesn't leak on over to me.
So why EMDR works for complex trauma or complex PTSD is because it really addresses the stuck memories or the stuck belief systems that keep you recycling through the same behaviors and engaging into the same relationships, maybe with people of different names, but the same type of person over and over again. And it really helps people who are stuck with bad life happening to them, and it changes the direction from those things happening to them to now I am happening to life.
I am now a very influential figure in making things happen the direction that I want them to happen, not by controlling other people, but by you inputting things and you putting up healthy boundaries to then start making life go the direction that's more suitable for you. Again, especially if you have complex PTSD or complex trauma, it is not a quick fix, but when the fix really does take hold, it is undeniable and substantial.
As a matter of fact, I just had a client last week. We got through major, major complex traumas. And this person is a wholly different person from who they were even just months ago. The change really can be very impressive and very notable to not just yourself, but to all the people who are around you. They will be able to see that change. Again, when it comes to this complex stuff, it takes some of the most effort, but it pays off in some of the most impressive dividends.
And if this is a journey that you want to walk through with us, we have a link in our description down below where you can set up a consultation appointment where we can talk you through this, where you can just set up an appointment and we can start you down the journey of healing. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs.
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Although we are mental health providers, this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide diagnosis or treatment. If you are struggling with persistent mental health issues, chronic marital issues, or feeling hopeless or suicidal, you are not alone. Help is available. Please seek professional help or call the National Suicide Hotline at 988. Thank you again for joining us on Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Remember, there's always hope and there's always help. Music.