Hi, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. We're excited to have you here with us today. We're going to be continuing on our series on finances. And for today, we're going to be jumping into a couple different things. We're going to be talking about emotional spending or financial withholding. And then we're also going to be discussing financial infidelity. So in the last episode, we started this series.
So in the last episode, we started this conversation on three unhealthy patterns in your relationship. And the first one was codependent money dynamics. So if you haven't already listened to that, go back and listen to that one. And then we'll jump in today with the other two that Tim just mentioned, the emotional spending and withholding and financial infidelity.
So let's jump into today's episode. So the first one, emotional spending, is when somebody uses spending to help them cope with emotions. So essentially what's happening is when you're feeling emotional or upset or dysregulated, you're going to run to Amazon or you're going to run to the shops and you're going to shop around and buy things. And when you're going through and you're doing that, it gives you a little bit of a feeling of a dopamine hit and it feels good when you do that.
And it distracts you from whatever emotions or feelings you're having in that moment. And so a lot of times when you're going through this, you're not really thinking about the financial ramifications. You're thinking about like, oh, I'm not feeling great, but what I'm doing right now when I'm shopping and I'm looking or I'm purchasing, that's making me feel good.
And so that hit of dopamine is something that will cause you to keep coming back over and over again to the same thing and can make it very difficult for you to restrict or to stop that because you've learned this as your coping mechanism. This is how I feel better when I'm not feeling good. And one of the problems with this, again, is that it can put you into financial straits.
And also, the other thing is that it's also something that you might need more and more of to get the same type of feeling. Just like with any addiction, it starts off where you do a little bit and it feels great. And then you need more and more as it progresses on to feel the same benefit you felt at the beginning. And so it might start off a little bit where it's like, oh, it's a $5 purchase here or a $20 purchase there.
And it's not a big deal. But then eventually it starts bumping up to, oh, I need a $300 or $1,000 or a $5,000 purchase in order to get that same positive feeling. But the positive feeling you get very quickly wears off. And so then all those emotions that you just coped with, they weren't really managed or dealt with. They were just pushed off to the side. And then all those feelings come back in a torrent then later on after that. And the problem is, even if you stay at those smaller spending.
All of those $5, $20, $100, they add up over time. And so maybe you never get to the point where you're spending $1,000 or $3,000 like you mentioned, but all of those smaller ones add up to $1,000. All of those smaller ones add up to that $3,000 amount. And this happens quicker than you even realize, especially if you don't have a budget or you're using a credit card or even your debit card. Because then you go back and you're like, oh my gosh, I spent this much.
Versus maybe you have a limited amount of cash in your wallet and you can see that dwindling and you can kind of feel the effects of that. And then once it's gone, you're like, oh, and then once it's gone, you don't have any more to spend. But it's easy when we're using cards to be able to just spend, spend, spend, and then later feel the weight of that.
And as we're talking about how finances are stressors on relationship, how finances are stressors on relationships, you can see how if you're not on the same page or if you don't have a budget on what you're spending for Christmas, Maybe one person is really wanting to, maybe both of you are okay spending and buying gifts and all of the things you've planned. Maybe you're both okay with spending and blessing people for Christmas, but they're to differing degrees.
Or you have that one person who is emotionally spending. And so it's not necessarily in the plan. And then you sit down at the end of the month and you have this disparity in what you guys thought would happen, this can absolutely cause conflict in your relationship. And again, a part of the solution for this is finding healthier coping tools for the emotions that you are trying to manage. So journaling or talking to somebody about it or...
Or sitting down and coming up with a plan for the thing that's stressing you out and then trying to enact that plan. But just running to the store to purchase something, that's not helping to solve that problem. And so what you're doing is you're just getting in this perpetual cycle of spending to feel better. And then when that wears off, I need to spend more to feel better. And then on the flip side of this emotional spending is also emotional withholding.
And this is, and both emotional spending and emotional withholding is an unhealthy pattern of behavior, an unhealthy relationship dynamic, because emotional withholding is where you're using finances to punish or control the other. And we kind of talked about it in the last episode where we talked about codependent money dynamics, where you're using it as if you love me, you'd let me buy this. Or if you love me, where it's like, if you love me, you'll let me buy this or you'll buy this for me.
Whereas emotional withholding is, well, since I'm mad at you, I'm cutting you off or you can't purchase this, this or this. Or I'm going to make you pay for it. Or maybe they've already spent the money, but you're really going to make them pay for it. And I don't mean pay for it financially, but you're going to be mad at them and hold it over their head. And this can be subtle or overt.
So maybe you are being very angry and aggressive and expressing that anger to try to maintain your control or power. But it can also be in passive ways where you're suddenly just withholding love from them and you're showing them that you really are upset in either a passive way or a passive-aggressive way. And any of those scenarios are not healthy ways to go about it. And I think with the...
And I think with financial withholding, this one, a lot of times people who are in this situation, one partner will have complete access to the finances and the other person will have no access to the finances. I've worked with plenty of couples who one of the partners doesn't ever know how much money is in the bank account because they can never see. And the other person oftentimes will almost like kind of give them an allowance.
And to a certain degree, like I think that's very infantilizing where it's you're putting this person where it's like they completely depend on you.
You just have to trust them on what is in the bank account you have to trust them when they're going to give access to it and just like you're saying ruth they oftentimes use that to punish their partner when they're frustrated or annoyed with them they just won't give them the money or allow them to use the card or anything like that and and this really comes from like and this really comes from an inappropriate sense of control in the relationship it creates this bit it creates a major
power dynamic imbalance in the couple where again i said infantilizing where it's like you're treating the other partner like they are a child and you're not treating them like a partner at all. And, and a lot of times, and a lot of times this can cause bitterness and resentment in the relationship, but then also a lot of abuse that happens where the other person is, where the.
Where the person who's in control of the finances is really taking inappropriate and unfair action towards their partner. And just to clarify, this is very different from budgeting, right? Where you're giving yourself an allowance or the other person an allowance. Oh, yeah, for sure. Because this is one person imposing that on another person. If you have a budget, it's something you guys should both agree to.
And again, it's something, and it is something that you, and it is something that you're not forcing. And it is something where you're not forcing the other person to stick to the budget. It's, hey, we agreed to it. You should stick to it. Okay, you're not sticking to it. Why are you not sticking to it? You agreed to this. What is the difficulty? Where it's a continued conversation as opposed to in this situation, one person has all the power and it's you do what I say or else.
And so that's where the unhealthy dynamic comes into it, where it's one partner's acting like a parent and the other partner is put in the position of being the child. And I think both of these behaviors, spending or withholding, stem from emotional distress or a sense of powerlessness.
So if you see that you're spending to fill a void or escape a feeling, or if you're withholding to regain a sense of control or punish your partner for hurting you, and you recognize this pattern of heading straight to shopping or spending online every time you feel down, or every time you have a fight, then you refuse to let them purchase something. Or you make sure they know how upset you are with them. And so as we look at how do we change this, the first thing is to identify these triggers.
Notice when you're feeling the urge to make big purchases or making a lot of purchases, even if they're small ones, or notice when are you really trying to clamp down on financial support or financial spending. Is it right after a conflict? Is it right after a stressful day or some experience where it wasn't positive? And then you're going to this to really regain control or make yourself feel better.
And then after you identify those triggers, you want to substitute for a healthier coping mechanism. So instead of going straight to shopping and buying now, try journaling or try talking to your partner, maybe going for a run, maybe adding it to your cart, but then not purchasing it right away and then doing any of the things we already just and then doing any of the things we just talked about and just kind of waiting before you purchase it.
And if you and if it's right after a fight, making sure that you are going and you're discussing it and expressing your feelings verbally, not financially, and you're really talking through that. And then if If after all of that, you think, no, I really do want to purchase this, then that's a more mindful purchase. That's not necessarily, you can be a little more confident that that's not necessarily emotional spending or emotional withholding.
And then in addition to identifying those triggers, substituting them for healthy. Substituting them for healthier methods, substituting them for healthier coping, substituting them for healthier coping methods. You want to also make sure that you're creating, you want to also make sure that within your budget, you're creating a personal fun budget or personal spending category where you do have that quote unquote allowance, but it's set up in your budget.
And it's a set amount each month that you can spend with no questions asked, no guilt. And this can do a couple things. I think it helps curb that guilt and the secrecy of hiding what you're spending or the urge to control the other person. But it can also reduce that urge to binge spend because you have a certain amount that you can spend. And so you have to be a little more mindful of it.
And so one of the keys to recognizing this emotional spending and emotional withholding is acknowledging the emotional component of these behaviors. That spending and withholding, that it truly isn't just spending and withholding. It's this emotional spending and this emotional withholding that you're doing. And that money is just the outlet. So you want to make sure that you're dealing with the underlying causes and underlying triggers so that the spending and withholding, so that it won't hold
as much power over you or over your relationship. All right. So we're going to be shifting gears here and we're going to be talking about our final financial topic. And so this one is going to be about financial infidelity. And so let's take a moment. Let's define what financial infidelity is.
This is when one partner hides financial information like secret credit cards, undisclosed debt, major purchases, or even has a bank account where they are hiding or separating money away from their partner without their partner's knowledge. Now, financial infidelity, it's a strong word and it's intended to be a strong word because I think a lot of times with finances and with these topics that we're going to be discussing, people kind of minimize what that means.
But what you're doing is when you're doing these things is you are lying to your partner. You are breaking a sense of trust with them when you're trying to hide these things from them. Right. And it's a form of betrayal that can be just as damaging as emotional or physical infidelity. And so the people who are on the receiving end of this financial infidelity, they oftentimes will feel that betrayal trauma where it's like they don't know, how can I ever trust my partner again?
I found this out and they've been hiding this and they racked up $60,000 of credit card debt and I had no idea, right? These things are major blows to people's psyche. And so although we're using a fairly charged term like infidelity, the idea is to impress upon you this isn't a small matter. This is a big important thing and it can be very damaging to relationships when this happens. Because ultimately it breaks trust, right?
There's that betrayal because ultimately there's that betrayal that breaks trust. And if you're on the receiving end, you may begin to expand this to wondering what else is being hidden. And that's where once that trust is broken, it can begin this cycle of questioning. It can begin this cycle of not trusting and questioning what else is not being shared. Or on the other end, this cycle of keeping those secrets.
Well, it's just something small. But anytime you feel like you have to hide something, there's something not right there. Oh, for sure. Now, it could be because your partner has a negative response whenever you do that. But then... But why are they having a negative response? It could be that they just, it could be that they're just always frustrated about that. But it also could be maybe you're being inappropriate with finances or you're breaking the budget or something along those lines.
And so you have to ask yourself a question. Am I fearful of them finding out because they always respond poorly to this, even though it's something that I should be able to do? So, hey, this was within budget. But even when I purchase something that's within budget, they get mad at me. But if you're like, oh, well, I'm afraid that they're going to get mad at me because I'm breaking budget. Well, that for you, you're breaking an agreement.
You agreed to a budget and now you're not sticking to it. And so you should feel uncomfortable with that. Not uncomfortable so that you hide it, but you should feel uncomfortable as I should not be making this purchase then because I am now breaking the budget or I am hiding this thing because I'm hiding this debt that I have because I know my partner will be upset because I hid it from them from the get-go and they never knew. And it may be as small as, well, I'm just hiding it.
And it may be something small that you're withholding and you're justifying, well, I'm not lying to them. I'm just not telling them. And the reason doesn't have to be any kind of big manipulation or shame. Big manipulation or betrayal. It can simply be you're not being a good steward of something or you guys are disagreeing on what the money should be spent on.
And that's a whole other topic where if there's a disagreement and maybe you really think, no the kids should get this and your spouse thinks no that's not something they need but maybe as a mom you're like no I'm just I'm protecting my kids you have to be careful of that because ultimately by protecting your kids it would be making sure your marriage is solid and strong and making sure that you guys are on the same page about some of these things
and so and so even if it's something small and it's just me feeling like well I don't want to tell Tim because I'm not spending my, because he wouldn't agree on this purchase. And so even though it's and so even if it's something small, maybe I'm feeling guilty because I'm not being a good steward of it. And so it may be that you guys disagree on finances or what is good use of spending, but it also might be that I'm hiding it because I know I'm not being a good steward of it.
I know I've been spending a little extra on clothes or something, and I don't really want to have that discussion with Tim. And I don't want and I don't really want to have that discussion with my spouse. But any kind of hiding or any kind of withholding can really lead you on a bad path, no matter how small it is, can really lead you down the wrong path and begin this cycle of mistrust.
And if you find yourself in this position where you are hiding finances from your partner and you're listening to this and now you're recognizing, OK, I didn't realize how bad of a thing this was or how wrong this was. The first step is the first step is being completely honest with your partner. Just sitting down, showing them what's going on, explaining everything. Now, I do want to caution you real quick.
A lot of times people who get into this position, whether it's financial infidelity or just genuine unfaithfulness in your relationship, people like to do the trickle out method where they just kind of bring out just a little bit of information.
And then now their partner catches wind of it and so then they now start digging deeper and then they find out a little bit more and then maybe you tell a little bit more a little bit later and then they find out a little bit more and then so what happens if you do this trickle out method is that it causes the person to get re-traumatized over and over and over again and as uncomfortable as it may be and as fearful as it may be sitting down and just laying it all out onto the table all at once.
As much as you might be like, they might leave me, they might hate me, they might never forgive me. It's a much easier pill to swallow happening all at once versus over the course of three, six months or a year of that information coming out. Because for the other person, every time they find out something new that they hadn't known before, they feel like they're starting back at square one. And then not back at square one, but back at negative square one and negative
square two and negative square three. It gets worse and worse and worse every time new information comes out that they weren't currently privy to. Right, because as information comes out, right, because that initial mistrust is still mistrust. And then you start to build back together as a couple and you're like, OK, well, let's work on it. And regardless if it was a really, really big financial fallout or there was a lot going on there, if you decide to rebuild, you're starting to rebuild.
But if it was just a small mistrust, and then you start to rebuild together, and then there's another mistrust. That is worse than having to rebuild from that really big mistrust together to having, like Tim's saying, all of this trickle down where it's a little bit more, a little bit more, right? Because what happens is when you have that really big fallout, you begin to rebuild together as a couple.
And I've seen couples come back from some really hard things and from some really deep betrayal. But when you begin to rebuild and then there's another, like Tim said, of a trickle out of something, then they do feel like they're starting all. Then they do feel like they're starting back at square one. Then they do feel like all these things that we've been working on since that initial betrayal, I can't even trust that.
And so a lot of times when you look at the offense done, a lot of times it's not. And so a lot of times in marriages, it's not the offense that breaks the marriage. It's the continual hiding or lying that happens that really ends up ending the marriage. Yeah, there's an old saying that goes along with that. It's not the crime, but it's the cover-up. And so the more you try to cover things up, the more hurt and pain you're bringing to that person.
So just like you're saying, the original offense, although it may be quite offensive, oftentimes is not as painful as the attempted cover-up that you have tried to do.
And I've seen that so often in couples therapy where when we're working through the process or when we're working to heal or when we're working with them to bring some healing, what it comes back to again and again isn't necessarily that original offense, but it's the multiple times that they lied about it or the multiple times where they sat and they asked questions. about it and they denied it. And that comes up again and again and again.
And it just brings that level of mistrust. And it just brings that mistrust to a whole new level. And I think one of the things to know, too, is that especially if you're the one and you've been hiding things and you haven't let your partner know, you can build up in your head where it's like, oh, I'm going to be coming clean. I'm going to be telling the truth. I'm going to feel a sense of relief. And you might.
But then you might also expect your partner to feel the same way, but they're not likely to feel the same way, right? You've been coping with the guilt and shame of the hiding and of the purchases and of the debt or of the hiding of the money or whatever it is. But this is going to be a shock to their system, right? You've been coping with it the entire time you've known about it. And so you've been working at learning to manage your emotions.
But when this comes up to your partner, they're going to be completely unaware and they are not likely to be like, oh, you know what? thank you so much for telling me. Thank you for being honest and coming clean. That could be a possibility, but I'd be expecting more for them to feel betrayed and hurt and upset and confused when you first bring this up.
And again, that may be uncomfortable for you, but this is the result of your actions of hiding things and of suppressing things and not being fully honest and forthright with your partner from the get-go. You've been basically kicking the can down the road, and at a certain point, you got to pay the Pied Piper. And so some of the signs, and so bringing it back to financial infidelity.
Some of the signs may include unopened bank statement, defensive behavior when you talk about money, or avoidant behavior whenever money is mentioned. And oftentimes, and when you look at the core of it, a lot of times it is motivated by shame. Maybe there's a debt they can't face, or maybe there's, like we said, that original offense that happened, but then they feel shameful, so then there's that cover-up. And then there's a fear of conflict. Truth came out.
So maybe even this bottom part closes. Where? Like in the conclusion or like this part? Maybe just part for financial infidelity. And then we'll... All right. So how do we recover from financial infidelity? And so like we were saying earlier, the first step is complete honesty. All accounts, all debts, all spending, all hidden... Anything that is hidden needs to now be put out on the table. You really should do it in one go, not in a trickle-out method.
The other thing is addressing the root cause. Why are we doing this, right? Is it shame, fear? Are we desperate for a sense of control? Whatever the root cause is, we need to be able to identify it and then be able to work through that root cause. Because if you don't address what caused it, you're likely to fall right back into the same trap again in the future. The next thing is establishing an open book policy where you regularly have
everything open to your partner. They have passwords. They have access. And a lot of times couples feel uncomfortable with this where they feel like, well, I should have a sense of privacy or something along those lines. But in our estimation, couples should be completely open and honest with each other. There's not things that they should be hiding or things that they should be keeping secret from one another.
It's something where you should be open and honest. if you can't be open and honest with your partner who's supposed to be your closest most intimate relationship in the world who can you be and if you have nobody in the world that you could be and if you have nobody in the world that you can be honest with that's a really unhealthy place to be and so that's something that needs to be worked on and corrected not something that needs to be just
endured it's so that open book policy and so when you think about like opening a new credit card even if you think well i'll tell them later the answer in your mind should be no no before i even send in the information to open up a new credit card, I need to talk to my partner first about this. So complete openness and transparency from the onset, not something coming up after the fact or in an aftermath.
It's a, nope, before I do anything, I want to let them know before I open up a new bank account or any of those kinds of things. They need to be knowing ahead of time so that it's not something that comes out later, especially if this financial infidelity has happened before, even if you have it in your mind to tell them, but then they find out, even if you're like, well, I was going to tell you, they're not going to believe you.
The only way to avoid that is to tell them ahead of time, tell them before you do the thing. So then there's no chance that they find out before you tell them. Because again, it will feel like a break in trust for that other person. And you can try to explain it away all you want. But once that trust has been broken, it's really hard for them to just accept your word wholeheartedly. And so as you take these three steps to recover from financial infidelity.
Be prepared for hurt and anger and really going through the grieving process because it's a breach of trust and they're grieving the loss of trust, the loss of security. But if both partner, but if both of you are committed to rebuilding, you can come out stronger. I've seen this, I've seen this time and time again, where there has been a big breach of trust and people and after they find healing in it. There's actually a depth in their relationship that they didn't have before.
Now, I'm not saying that you need to have this big kind of betrayal to find that depth, but oftentimes what feels so hopeful, but oftentimes what feels so hopeless, you can find a lot of hope and a lot of healing. And professional help might be crucial here.
So whether it's couples counseling, financial counseling, or even individual counseling where you might need to get, where EMDR can be so helpful to heal some of the wounds that you've experienced because there was such a significant emotional rupture that happened. If you can kind of process through that individually and then come back as a couple and do some couples counseling, there can be great benefits from all of that.
I thought you were closing up. So as we close up our entire financial series that we've been doing, remember that as you talk about money, it's not just about dollars and cents. There's a lot of emotions, a lot of fears, a lot of desires and hopes that go into it. And as you face them head on together, and as you face them, you want to make sure that you guys are turning toward each other rather than away from each other or against each other and be able to face them head on.
And as you do that, you'll be well on your way to a stronger and more resilient relationship. So if you found this episode helpful, so we hope that this series has been helpful to you. And as always, remember that your mind is a powerful thing.