Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. In the last two episodes, we've been talking about entitlement and how entitlement can consume gratitude. And then we also talked about areas that having this entitlement impact, including how it impacts us emotionally, relationally, and with our mental health. So today we're going to talk about breaking that cycle of entitlement and building gratitude.
And the truth is that we all experience entitlement to some degree, but the key is recognizing when it's creeping in and taking steps to replace it with gratitude. So how do we do that? We're going to jump right into some strategies. So the first step is self-awareness. We want you to be able to recognize that entitlement. Because entitlement often sneaks in unnoticed, and it's not always blaring and in our face.
And so sometimes we do need to take some time to reflect and ask yourself, am I focusing more on what I don't have than what I do? Do I feel frustrated or resentment when my expectations aren't met? Am I consistently expressing appreciation for the things others do for me? And so as you take this time to reflect, recognizing these patterns of entitlement really is the first step toward changing them.
So for example, imagine that you're upset with a friend that didn't check in with you after you had a stressful week. Before letting that resentment build, ask yourself, have I been expressing gratitude for the times that they were there for me? Or is there something that maybe I don't know? Do they need my support and love right now? Because remember, entitlement really is self-focused. So after your stressful week, you're just thinking about how hard of a week you had.
But you're not even considering that maybe they had a stressful week. And that they're hoping that you would check in with them. So when we look at it, entitlement a lot of times can blind us to that bigger picture. So you really want to make sure that first of all, you are recognizing when that entitlement pops up and sneaks in, whether externally or even internally, where you just begin to feel it, even though you haven't acted on it. You want to recognize when it's kind of bubbling up.
The next thing we want to talk about is cultivating gratitude. How do we grow gratitude or how do we create it when maybe we're struggling with having it? And one of the things that we want you to know is that this really is kind of a mindset. said. So what you're not thinking about necessarily is what should be done, but you're trying to find ways to be grateful for different things. So actually, this just came up in Ruth and I's daily dialogue today.
We're just going through our three questions. Also, we have another podcast on that daily dialogue. But one of the things that happened is very interesting. So I had gone and I play racquetball for three hours yesterday morning. And when I'd come home, it was near one o'clock and I'd realized the kids hadn't eaten. And so I got home from playing and I just started making lunch. And when we were going through a daily dialogue, Ruth said, you know,
oh, man, I felt kind of bad. You were out and you were playing and you must have been really tired when you came home. And my thought was the exact opposite. I was like, oh, I was out playing and having fun for three hours. Like I should do something to step in and help her out when she's been home with kids. And so my thought was, oh, she was too busy. She needs some help. And so I just jumped in and I started making lunch for the kids.
And in that situation, I could have come home and I could have been frustrated. Hey, it's near one o'clock.
Why haven't the kid been fed yet? or she could have felt entitled to having me do it while you were out playing and having fun like you should do that but instead when we were having our conversation she came up and this is the gratitude portion she said hey i really appreciate you know you came home and you must have been tired but then you just made lunch for the kids and that's so helpful to me i really appreciate that and my thought
was like oh man i was appreciative that i got to go and i got to go have some fun and so when i came home i felt like oh i should be assisting and i need to jump in and help and do things. And so that mindset helped us both to be grateful for the same situation where we potentially could have been entitled in those moments. And so one of the things that you can do that can help you really start to rework your mindset on these things is a gratitude journal.
And so sitting down and writing three things that you're grateful for each day. They don't have to be big things. They could be small things, kind word from somebody, or even just looking outside and noticing how beautiful the weather is, or something along those lines. So it could be something small or it could be something big.
But when you take the time and you actually look through and you acknowledge the things that you're grateful for or things that you appreciate, it really helps to get your mindset more stuck onto gratitude rather than that level of entitlement. Oh, for sure. I was so thankful that you came home and you had such a great attitude and you just jumped in because I totally was thinking that, you know, I had been home with the kids and I should have made them lunch.
But we were busy getting things ready for this maker's market that we have for the kids. And so they were crafting and we were doing all this stuff to prepare for that. And I had a limited time before I had to leave somewhere. And so I felt so bad to ask you to make lunch before I had to leave. But instead, you just came home and you just jumped right in and saw what would have been most helpful and just started doing that. And I was so thankful for that.
So it is funny that you brought that up because I think you're right. That we could both have come into it feeling entitled or the other person should have been doing more. But I was so grateful for what you did and how you just really jumped in and stepped up. So the next strategy is reframing expectation. And this is a big one because like we always say, your mind is a powerful thing. And so how we view situations and our perspective on it really does change our experience with it.
And the same example that we've been using for the last two episodes about when the store around us had gotten something that we had been really looking forward to and looking for for a while. It's easy to be like, oh, they finally got it in. Or be excited and, oh, they finally got it in. Right? Just that simple shift of perspective changes really the whole experience. And so instead of thinking, I deserve this, try shifting it to,
I'm fortunate to have this, or I'm thankful for this. So. Instead of, I deserve recognition for my hard work, maybe think, I'm fortunate to have these opportunities to contribute and to grow. Or something as simple as, I should have more than this, or I should have gotten more, thinking, I'm grateful for what I already have. And these small mental shifts can really open the door to gratitude.
And I think we talked about this a while ago when we were talking about anxiety, that sometimes when you're working at reframing your thought processes, it may take you sometimes in the nature of a thousand times a day of trying to rework and reframe your mindset in order for it to take hold this is not a short like oh if i just do this for two or three days then it's going to fix my mindset around gratitude or around entitlement it can take a relatively long period of time and regular
practice of this in a relatively long period of time not talking like years or anything like that but we're talking like you're going to have to do this every day for like a month and if you're consistently doing it for a month you are going to really help to reframe your thought process and your mindset. But it does take kind of a large amount of effort to really shift that mindset.
And I want to be clear that as we talk about shifting your perspective and your mindset, it doesn't mean ignoring your needs or not asking for what you need, but it shifts your experience with it and the tone of your perspective. So let's just say you're frustrated that your partner didn't clean the kitchen after they cooked. instead of thinking, gosh, I deserve more help, or why did they just leave the kitchen like this?
You could reframe it and be grateful that they cooked, but still ask for help and ask for what you need. But there's a difference between I deserve their help and gosh, I'm so thankful that you cooked. Do you mind helping me clean up? Or I know that you cooked and I know that that was a lot of work and I so appreciate it, but I have a really busy night tonight and I would love your help cleaning up as well. Because think about it, on the other hand, how would you like someone to approach you?
Would you want someone to demand your help or to be grateful and thankful for what you've already done, but still ask for more help? Either way, they're still expressing their needs. And so we're not saying at all to ignore your needs. But when you shift your perspective, it makes, I think, the whole situation emotionally as well as relationally a lot easier. So this reframing expectations really is a big one. Another strategy is practicing acts of kindness.
So this is another powerful way to break entitlement because when you give to others, whether it's your time, attention, resources, it really shifts the focus from what do I get to how can I help or what can I give. And this naturally will just cultivate that gratitude and reduces entitlement. Because remember, when we look at entitlement, it really is self-focused. Whereas gratitude is a sense of humility and thankfulness for others.
So volunteering is a great example of this. When you step into someone else's shoes, it gives you perspective and reminds you of what you have to be grateful for. Even small gestures like helping the neighbor, writing a thank you note, making cookies for someone. all of that can really have a profound effect on helping you be more grateful. So the next thing we're going to go to build off of that is practicing humility.
So gratitude often begins when we recognize that we didn't get where we are alone. Think about people, opportunities, and even small acts of kindness that have contributed to your life. So who are the people that have helped you along the way? What are circumstances or opportunity you have been lucky enough to have? And when you're starting to focus on these things, it really helps you to put into perspective where you are at in your life.
Humility is not about discounting your contributions to your life, but it's about recognizing that a lot of people have poured into you and have helped you to get to be the person you are or the place that you are in your life. And being able to sit down and appreciate what people have done and having that humble attitude can be a great thing to help you challenge that sense or feeling of entitlement.
And I think when you are being humble, it can really help you to care a lot more about other people and about what they are doing. But if you are not being very humble, if you're coming from more of a state of arrogance, then it causes you to discount what other people have done and then not pay attention to all the contributing factors that they've brought in. And so the last strategy that we want to talk about kind of encapsulates everything, and it's to shift daily mindsets.
Gratitude isn't a one-time event. It's something that we will continuously do. So a simple exercise you can do is, one, start your morning by thinking of one thing you're grateful for. And I would say, if you have a faith practice, this is a great place to thank God for what he's given you or thank God for the things that you were blessed with. Number two, during the day, be on the lookout for opportunities to thank someone, even for something small.
And then number three, at night, you're going to reflect on what went well and who made your day a little better. So really, who are you thankful for? And these small intentional shifts can help you cultivate gratitude as a daily habit. So you're going to do it in the morning, throughout the day, looking for opportunities to thank someone, and then at night, kind of reflecting on it all.
So this will be the end of our entitlement series, but just remember that breaking the cycle of entitlement takes time, but it's so worth it. And so what we talked about today by being able to recognize entitlement, reframe those expectations, practice gratitude. Do random acts of kindness, shift your daily mindsets, all of that can not only improve your relationships, but also help you experience greater joy and just satisfaction in life.
Because rather than living in this disappointment and dissatisfaction, when we're grateful, we're content and we're joyful. And joy isn't based on our circumstances, whether things go good or bad. So as we close this out, think about what's one step that you can take. Maybe you'll start this gratitude journal or you'll reach out to someone.
I would love for you to take a minute, even right now, as you think of someone that you're thankful for, Maybe just reach out and send them a text and let them know that you are so thankful and grateful for them. Or maybe it's that you'll be more intentional on reflecting on the good things in your life. Whatever it is that you choose to do, definitely start small and be consistent with it. And think of gratitude almost like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it'll become.
All right, you guys, have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes,
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