Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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us today. We're going to be continuing a series on entitlement and gratitude. And we're going to be talking about the impact of entitlement on gratitude and relationships. So the first thing that we're going to be discussing are the emotional impacts that being entitled can have on joy. And one of the things is the more entitled you are to more things, the more it kind of can erode your joy and make it hard to be appreciative or happy about the things that you're experiencing in your life.
And again, we talked about this in the last episode, but when you have that sense of entitlement, when good things happen, you feel like, well, that's how things just should be. And because you believe that's just how things should be, and that whenever they fall short, it's going to cause you to be upset and frustrated and irritated.
But when they do happen it makes you more feel neutral not good and so i think a long time ago i'd given you guys the equation of happiness happiness equals performance over expectation and so whatever you perform is divided by whatever your expectation is so the higher your expectation is or the higher your entitlement is the less happy you are with the end outcome and so when you're in a relationship with somebody who's very entitled it can be a very hopeless feeling where It
feels like you can never do anything to really fully please your partner And the truth is because it is very hard to please your partner Because they feel entitled to certain behaviors or certain acts from you And so then when they do happen, they don't really feel appreciative. They feel more neutral. So when they have thoughts like, well, you should be doing that anyway, or it's about time, that all kind of shows that sense of entitlement.
And it robs you and them a chance to savor the moment and be grateful and really look at what you have. And instead of joy, it really does breed dissatisfaction. And this goes back to the original example that we used in the last episode, where I brought something home from the store that one of our children has wanted for a while. And instead of being grateful, it did come off more as that, well, it's about time.
And not necessarily toward me, because they knew that I was on the lookout for it, but more towards the store. And instead of being thankful that the store had it, it was more that sentiment of they finally got in the store. And think about it. Have you ever gotten a promotion and immediately thought, well, it's about time or finally, or I should have gotten it before she did.
It really does rob you of that moment of what should be gratitude and thankfulness and excitement and joy and replaces it with that dissatisfaction or even resentment at times. And I think entitlement really does have a sneaky way of getting in there and instilling our joy because for the most part, our kids really are grateful and oftentimes throughout the day, they'll just thank us for random things.
So I think they have that heart of gratitude, But this example that we had given was just such a clear picture of how the language we use really does show this perspective that we have and how the perspective that we have or the way that we view things can change the experience we have with it. Or another example that I can think of is right now, you know, around the holidays, a lot of times companies will give a bonus.
And maybe this year, the company was struggling and you just got a small bonus at work. Instead of being thankful for that bonus, it can be easy to fixate on the fact that it's smaller than what maybe your colleague got, or it's smaller than what you got last year. And so you might start thinking thoughts that kind of lean more to that dissatisfaction than being grateful for the bonus. Because maybe you've gotten bonuses a couple years in a row.
So now it becomes an expectation for you rather than something that is a blessing. I think one of the things to be aware of is that resentment aspect is a very dangerous aspect. Once it really starts to set in, it gets very hard to move away from that. And so once you start having those feelings, you have to address that relatively quickly. Otherwise, it can spiral out of control and it can steal more and more happiness as you go along.
And again, one of the things we want to reiterate is it's not necessarily bad to have some levels of expectations. But just understanding the higher your expectations or the higher your entitlement is to certain things, the more frustrated you're going to be when you don't get it. But also the less satisfied you're going to be when you do get it. Now let's look at how entitlement affects our relationships. Oftentimes, we'll put these unspoken or unrealistic expectations on others.
And when those expectations aren't met, it can lead to tension or conflict, definitely internally and how we view that relationship, but also within the relationship, which might come as a surprise or a shock or kind of blindside the other person because they had no idea that there were these expectations.
And so, for example, if you feel entitled to constant attention or validation from your partner, but they're busy or preoccupied, rather than looking at it from their perspective and seeing what they're going through and how they're seeing things. You have this entitlement, almost like your needs matter more than theirs do. And you might interpret them being busy or preoccupied rather than really seeking to understand their situation.
And I think even sometimes I've seen this in couples counseling where the other person will have an entitlement to believing that the other person should just know what's wrong with them that they should just know what I need and a lot of times where I think that stems from is that they have a hard time even being able to articulate what their own issue is or what their own needs are but then they expect their partner to be able to figure it out or their partner to be able
to know what their issue is and then to be able to solve that problem with them and so then they go about this action being passive aggressive with their partner or getting very irritated when they haven't even taken the time to communicate because they feel like a healthy relationship. I shouldn't have to tell my partner there's something wrong. They should just be able to know. Oh, for sure. I've definitely seen that. They will say exactly that. He should already know what I need.
And then I'll redirect and ask that person, well, what is it that you need? Can you verbalize it to me? And there's a lot of frustration and like, I don't know, I just, he knows what I mean. And I really try to challenge that because you're right, Tim, if you don't know what you need, and it's more just a sense and this feeling, then they for sure don't know what you mean. And it's almost this moving target that isn't able to be met. Because maybe one day.
There's something that you want from them. And then the next day you're in a different mood and you're more focused on what they're not doing. So then even what they are doing that's correct doesn't even feel like it's important. And so they don't get any credit for really doing what you've asked and what you needed. And it's discouraging for, I think, both parties because one person feels like they don't even care. They're not even trying.
And the other person feels like I'm trying my best, but nothing I ever do is good enough. And I think that also stems from them feeling like their feelings are their partner's responsibility. And so they feel a certain sense of entitlement for their partner to fix how they're feeling. And I always tell people, it's not even my job to fix how you're feeling. It's my job to help facilitate the process of working through your emotions to help you feel better.
But I can't make you feel better, especially if you're refusing to feel better or you aren't willing to take any of the actions that are required of you in order to feel better. And so if as a professional, it's not my job to make you feel better, it's also not your spouse's job to make you feel better. And if you feel entitled like this is their job, you're going to be so disappointed because they don't have that ability.
And so in the same way, entitlement kind of creates these relational blind spots where you become so focused on what you're not getting that you fail to notice or acknowledge what others are giving. So just like in your romantic relationships, this could even happen with friends. Maybe a friend might consistently be giving you support in small, quiet ways.
But if you're so fixated on a grand gesture that they didn't make, you'll miss out on appreciating the way that they have been caring for you. And I think a part of that might be some personality types, right? Like how you support others, whether it's kind of behind the scenes or these big grand gestures and what you're comfortable with. But it doesn't take away from those small, quiet gestures are just as supportive.
But we miss out on that because of that entitlement where they should be doing it this way. There's lots of shoulds and musts that we kind of put on others. And so when I think entitlement overshadows gratitude, it really blocks a genuine connection you can be having with your partner. Because all those little aspects, just like you were talking about. Those are things that can make you feel more connected to them.
But if you are discounting them because it feels like, well, that's just what they should be doing, all those little points of behavior interaction, those are things that can really matter in the grand scheme of things in relationships. I always tell my clients that relationships don't live or die based off of the
big gestures or the big wrongs. They live or die based off of the little small constant struggles that we're having or based off these thousand little positive interactions that we're having. And so when we're not grateful for those little things, those big things don't come around nearly as often and nearly frequently enough to really sustain your relationship.
But if you take that time and you really appreciate or you really enjoy and you open yourself up to those small positive interactions, those are the lifeblood. Those are the sustaining breaths that keep that relationship going. And then what happens after that is this cycle where this entitlement to gratitude gap is where a lot of relational damage happens. And when people don't feel appreciated, they might stop giving or engaging in the relationship at the same level they had been.
And then maybe the person who feels entitled ends up feeling further frustrated and alienated, which perpetuates that cycle of dissatisfaction, which then causes the person who's not being appreciated to withdraw more. And it really becomes a cycle where it fosters a sense of self-focus. Making it harder and harder to acknowledge and appreciate others and making it harder for others to want to engage and connect in the relationship.
Oh, and I think that's a good point, too, where a lot of times the other partner then will then become disengaged and they'll stop trying because they're not getting rewarded for any of their additional efforts when the other person is entitled. And the last impact that we want to talk about is the impact of entitlement on mental health. So research shows that gratitude improves mental well-being. It reduces stress, increases happiness.
But with entitlement, it does the opposite. it. It amplifies the feeling of stress, dissatisfaction, and even depression. So if you look at someone who's constantly feeling like life owes them more, whether it's money, recognition, success, they're more likely to experience chronic frustration and anxiety. They're stuck in this loop of unmet expectation. And that can feel hopeless at times. And one of the things I want to point out
is that maybe you are entitled to those things. Maybe you should be getting those things.
But going based off of what we're talking about here, even if you do have a certain level where it's like, I should be getting these things, maybe you have earned it, maybe you do deserve it, Having that sense of entitlement steals your happiness and steals your joy and makes you more apt to be anxious or makes you more apt to be depressed or makes you more apt to just view the world in more of a pessimistic way. And so the idea of entitlement isn't necessarily about if it's justified or not.
It's about what the negative effects are of having that entitlement. And so that entitlement really can cause you to feel more isolation. And when you're thinking about relationships, what can they do for me? And it really negatively affects your mindset and can really cause you to miss out on reciprocity of joy and connecting with other people. That entitlement is stealing these positive connections and these positive feelings.
And again, you may actually be entitled to the things that you're feeling entitled to, but grasping on and thinking about it in that entitled way is stealing that joy and letting go of that entitlement isn't necessarily an easy thing. It's a work at a mindset shift and working on your automatic thoughts about something in order to reframe it into a more positive light.
And instead of thinking about it in an entitled way, thinking about what your partner is doing that you could be grateful for or what you are grateful for that's happening at work or what you're grateful for with your kids or maybe even your relatives or just life around you in general. When you're constantly thinking about that entitlement and what you should be having that you don't have or what you should be having more of, it's an oppressive feeling that it will cause you to have.
And so to close out for today, one of the things we really want you to know is that entitlement impacts you on multiple levels emotionally relationally mentally it erodes and blocks our ability to have gratitude and just be happy with the way that our life is going and being happy with where your life is doesn't mean that you're going to put away life goals and things that you want as a matter of fact being happy with the stage that you're
currently in allows you to have more energy to fight for the life that you want more of or things to be different in other ways but when you're constantly battling and fighting this sense or feeling of entitlement, you end up oftentimes trying to push over this block wall that just feels impenetrable. But if you take a step back and you look at your stage and you start being grateful for what you do have.
Again, it gives you more of a positive psychological state to be in, where it causes you to be able to take on the difficulty of trying to shift your life into a better way. And on top of it, when you're doing it, you're going to do it from a more pleasant place, which then helps you to remove barriers.
But if you're doing it from an angry or resentful or depressed or anxious state, it oftentimes makes you feel like you're trudging through mud and just feels so much more difficult and so much more exhausting. And so one of the things when we're thinking about this is we really want to think, okay, do we want to make our life way easier, more pleasant and enjoyable?
And if that's the case, you really want to approach life from this more of a state of gratitude, where you're appreciative for all that you have. And even though maybe you might have life goals that are higher and more lofty than where you're currently at, I always tell my clients that there's three points you have to look at when you're progressing. You have to think about where you are compared to where you were and compare that to where you want to be.
If you're only looking at where you are compared to where you want to be, you're always going to be dissatisfied. But if you add in that third point of where did I start off and compare that to where I am now, that allows you to have a lot more happiness because it shows you the progression as opposed to this never-ending onslaught of I got to improve, I got to be better because I'm not where I want to be.
Oftentimes our goals are things that are years or even decades in the making that take a very long time to get there. And if it takes you years or decades to get there, and then that whole process of working to get there is going to cause you to have zero level of happiness until you finally attain that goal. But if you're thinking about how much progress you've made, where did I start and where am I at today? It allows you to have much more gratitude and a whole lot more joy.
And in our next episode, we're going to be jumping into how do we combat this idea of entitlement. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. and remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Music. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast.
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