Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Now, this episode is going to be being released on Thanksgiving, and we wanted to take some time and we really wanted to dive a little bit more deeply into entitlement and being grateful for things. And I think a lot of times you can get stuck in what you deserve and what you should be having, but then that can steal a lot of joy from the things that you do currently have and things that are going the way that you want them to be going.
And so we'd like you to take a moment and think about if you've ever noticed how hard it can be to feel grateful when you think you deserve more or you think you deserve the things that you are currently getting. And I think what you'll notice is that with that sense of entitlement, it makes you feel like this is just how things should be. And then as a result, when you are getting those things, you're not feeling as happy or appreciative when those things are coming your way.
So just some kind of brief examples of things that we can easily become entitled to is how our spouse treats us. If become entitled to, oh, they should always just treat us good. And so that's true that there's ways that our spouse should treat us, but becoming entitled to that good behavior doesn't cause us to be appreciative of it. Or for our kids, well, I do all this for my kids, and they should just be grateful to me.
And we can become, as parents, entitled to the gratefulness our children should have for all the efforts and sacrifices that we do for them. Or we could be entitled to our finances. I should be making this much money, or I should be making more money. And although that may also be true, maybe the skills and efforts you're bringing into your job are worth more than what your job is paying for you.
What they then cause you to do is to be unhappy or displeased with the financial income that you are making, as opposed to, hey, you know what, maybe I should be getting 15 or 20% more, but I'm glad I have a job right now, or I'm appreciative that I have a job. And the thing about it is that entitlement very easily and slowly kind of works its way into your life where something may be new, something may be great, and you're excited for it.
But the longer period of time you have that thing, the more likely you are to feel like that's just how it should be. Even though it's a new thing that you haven't always had in your life.
And so the joy we might have first felt when something had changed or shifted or we got a promotion or we had our children or the way we interact with our spouse, although it brought that joy at the beginning, it slowly tends to wane, even though the circumstances are still the same, because now we've shifted from this grateful attitude to an entitled attitude about it.
And so real quick, before we get too much deeper in, we want to make sure we take a little bit of time and we define what entitlement is and what gratitude is. And so a definition for entitlement is a belief that one inherently deserves privileges, rewards, or outcomes, often leading to frustration or dissatisfaction when expectations aren't met. Gratitude, the practice of recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of life, regardless of the circumstance.
And I think it's important to be on the same page with those because we might think about or define entitlement or gratitude in different ways. But for the purposes of this episode, this is how we're defining it and what we're talking about. And one of the things that I think is important to be aware of is that entitlement and gratitude are mutually exclusive. Meaning if you're entitled to something, you're not likely to be very grateful for it.
And if you're feeling grateful for that thing, you're not likely to be acting in an entitled manner to that thing. And when we look at gratitude and entitlement and how they conflict, it's kind of like what you're saying, Tim. If you are grateful for something, you typically aren't feeling as if I deserve this. and you're not acting in an entitled manner or have that entitled perspective. And when you're entitled, you aren't showing that gratitude.
Because when we look at that a little closer, they conflict because gratitude really requires humility and just an acknowledgement of external contributions, while entitlement focuses on self-perceived deservingness. And entitlement fosters almost this comparison attitude, looking at what you don't have versus what others do have. and almost thinking that you deserve what they have or they don't deserve what they have.
While gratitude focuses more on appreciation and really looking at what you have. So entitlement looks at more what you don't have and gratitude is really focusing on what you do have. And I think something important to note about this is that I think entitlement is more the natural state of being. I think it's much easier to fall into entitlement and you're more likely to move away from gratitude.
And so if you want to shift that tide, it requires a concerted effort where it's like, I'm going to work at and focus on trying to think and trying to verbalize my gratitude versus entitlement is something you always have tried to protect against and something you always have to be careful of just falling into.
Right, and we even have this conversation with one of our kids this morning because there was something that we had been looking for for months that they wanted, and it was just a food item, but I could not find it in the stores. I was searching for months and months, and finally last night I found it, and so I put it out for them this morning.
And when they were talking to their siblings about it, they were excited about it, but their verbiage and the way that they talked about it definitely didn't show the gratitude I think that they were feeling. And so what you're saying is that that's our natural tendency. Our child was really excited about it, but then when they started talking about it to their siblings, they said they finally got it in the store rather than, hey, they finally got it in the store.
And so we talked to them this morning about just how powerful our mind is and how our perception and the way that we phrase things are really important, because that's a big difference. If I said, hey, Tim, they finally got this in the store. That's not very grateful. It's like, well, they should have it. Why haven't they had that? Versus saying, hey, Tim, they finally got this in the store. And understanding that it's a privilege to have a store right down the road and be able to have this.
And so that's just a small example. But I think if you watch the way you speak about things, it totally can show that grateful heart versus entitled heart. And I think along with that is that the more entitled you feel to things, the less happy you're going to tend to feel about things. But the more grateful, obviously, that happy you're going to feel when you're feeling grateful for more things.
And so although there's a little bit of a labor of love to trying to shift your mindset to being grateful, there are beneficial outcomes to you if you decide to take on that endeavor or you're working at shifting that mindset. And when we're talking about even watching the way we're saying things, I can see this in parenting often. If I say, oh, I have to take the kids to piano versus, oh, I get to take the kids to piano today and then we're going to go run errands.
And although it sounds like, well, if it's on your to-do list and it's something you have to do, but in reality, piano is a privilege. Being able to take them to piano for them to learn is a privilege and they get to do that. And so it may feel like as parents, well, we're just playing with words. But I do try to be careful, especially with my friends when we're talking about the kids. It's easy to get into kind of this complaining mode about all the things we have to do.
But don't forget that your children are a blessing and to be grateful for them. And I know that overall, you're like, well, I am grateful for them. But it's even in the little things that can begin to change and shift our perspective. Just like that conversation we had with our kids, it wasn't a really big deal. I could have probably let it go and it would have been fine. didn't hurt anyone.
But I can see that mindset so clearly and how, like you said, Tim, it almost takes away from how much they're going to enjoy it and the joy that it could bring, even from that small phrasing or perspective shift of not being grateful for it and almost saying it in more of a complaining way. And so as parents, when we have a lot to do, we have a lot on our plate, it is easy to complain about it or even just to state it to our friends all the things we have to get done.
Try and even shift that. Shift the way you view what you get to do with your kids. Or I can even see this example, but on the other end, as a child. So my mom is a great example of not being entitled. When it's Mother's Day, when it's her birthday, when it's Christmas, she doesn't expect things for her birthday. And I would say this is something where maybe you could feel a little entitled like, oh, it's my birthday. I'm going to get gifts, right? Because that's kind of the cultural norm.
But even on days like this where she could be a little entitled. She really does not portray that to us. One time I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she wanted me to buy a cow in her name and donate it to this village somewhere. And so I always joke with her about that now, but that really is her heart. She is really grateful for what she has and cares more about giving to others.
So even in this example, for her birthday, she wanted me to buy a heifer and send it to a different village, which I love that about my mom. Or for a Mother's Day, I remember we actually sent the cards a little early, and she was so excited. She was so thankful. I don't even think we sent a gift that year, but she called me and she was just so ecstatic about getting the card from both Tim and I and we wrote stuff about her and then the kids had sent cards too.
And so she really does have a great perspective on being able to have a grateful heart and being thankful. And I'm sure when she gets something, then it's really exciting and she really appreciates it and really enjoys it because it's not something that she was expecting or felt like she deserved. So anything she got really was above and beyond. Versus if you feel like you're deserving something and you're expecting it and you don't get that, there is a big letdown for that.
And maybe even you get something, but it's not exactly what you want. You can also experience that same letdown. Another example of this conflict between entitlement and gratitude could be if you feel entitled to a promotion at work, it might make it really hard for you to appreciate your current job opportunity or what your current job is providing you.
And I think when you think about it that way, too, if you get that job, it's not going to give you very much joy if you feel that sense of entitlement to it. But then especially if you don't get it, then it's going to be a huge deflation to your emotions. You're going to feel really bad and upset if you feel like I deserve that I should have gotten and then I didn't get it. And so one of the things, the problem is maybe you are the best person for that job. Maybe you should be getting it.
Maybe you should have a sense of entitlement to it, but having that sense of entitlement does, you know, services. It only comes with negative drawbacks versus having the gratitude doesn't really come with any drawbacks. It comes with just emotional benefits. So the next thing we're going to talk about is how does entitlement develop? One of the things that I think can be very influential for our level of entitlement is social media.
And I think a lot of people out there, they want to do like a hot take for something. They want to put something out there where it's going to grab attention. But then even if what they're saying is not necessarily true, because it's kind of provocative, it can stick in your mind and you can have a hard time moving away from that concept. And one of the things that I have seen that, and it's about relationships, is this concept of quote unquote, the bare minimum.
And so how this plays out is someone's talking about like a date they went on or what something that their spouse had done for them. And then their friend will say, well, they were just doing the bare minimum. And so they take this thing that somebody is being joyful or excited about, or pointing out something in a good light. And then the other person is kind of dashing or downplaying that and saying, well, you shouldn't be excited about that. That's nothing special.
That's just the bare minimum of what people should be doing. And that is a massive entitled attitude. And again, somebody was sharing something that they're excited about. and this other person is suppressing it saying, no, you should be entitled to that. You shouldn't be grateful or excited about that. But also something else is true is that maybe let's say that is the bare minimum. People can still do less than the bare minimum. They could do worse than the
bare minimum. You could be getting less from your partner or from a date than that bare minimum. And so even when somebody is giving us the bare minimum, we can still have a certain level of appreciation for it where it's like, hey, they are actually putting in effort. They are doing something or they're not being an overall negative on my life.
And so that statement or that entitlement, that's the social media thing that's been going around, is very damaging to your mental health and your happiness of life. Right, and social media in general makes it so much easier to compare, but you're not comparing apples to apples. A lot of times when we're looking at social media, you're comparing your worst days with other people's best days and the things that they are posting on social media.
And yeah, there are people who are being real and they're showing all parts of life. But stereotypically, people are sharing the fun things and happy things and the best days of their lives, right? And so when we compare, it's so much easier to lean into that entitlement.
And so we have to be careful because we can see the lives of people all over the world and it would be easy to go down that route of well look at them look at what they're doing and so we start to think well they have that why don't I have that and we're less and less grateful for what we have and then in addition to that another cultural influence is just the marketing and societal norms that often reinforce this entitlement with these you deserve it messages and i always find
marketing a very interesting thing because there's a ton of psychology that goes into that and what they're trying to do is they're trying to pique that thought of entitlement so that you do something because like well maybe i don't have the money for that or maybe this isn't the best time to go on this trip or this vacation but i i deserve it and so i should just do it regardless of if I have the finances or the time right now to go do that thing.
And so when you're watching those messages, you got to watch out because they are trying to trick you into purchasing something that may not be in your best interest. Right. It goes back to what we said a little bit ago that entitlement is really focusing on what you don't have while gratitude focuses on appreciating what you do have. And I think one thing that we're talking about here is cultural influences.
We're kind of talking about macro or big picture cultural influences, but then there's more micro influences. So from your own family, whether you're grateful or you have more of a sense of entitlement can kind of come from the family that you were raised in and how they phrase things or what your family focused on or how they chose to live their life.
And that sends a message, especially from when you're a young child on, are you more likely to voice things and identify things in a grateful manner, or are you more likely to do it in an entitled manner? Right, and I think two extremes of this is an overindulgent parenting or lack of boundaries that really can foster that sense of entitlement. You got everything that you ever wanted. You never went without.
And so when you grow up, you can see that entitlement. You can see almost feeling like you deserve anything and everything you want. Whereas on the other end of the spectrum, maybe you had a lot of unmet need early on in life. And so that might lead, not always, but it might lead to compensatory entitlement in adulthood because you didn't have it when you're younger. So you feel like, okay, now that I can, I'm not going to go without.
And that could be a really tough one because that's a very emotionally-based response. And it can be actually very difficult to walk yourself back from because to a certain degree, it starts off from a fair point. It's like, as a child, I really wasn't given my basic needs. And those basic needs you should be entitled to having.
You are entitled to getting those met, but ultimately at the end, that ends up negatively impacting you as the person or the adult now, because now you're feeling entitlement to things that you aren't actually entitled to. And then that negatively affects your mood and your relationships. So today we really want to just introduce how entitlement can consume gratitude and take away really the joy from the things we have and the experiences we have and even relationships that we have.
And also introduce how entitlement can develop. So the main key takeaway from this episode really is that entitlement and gratitude are opposing forces. and entitlement focuses on what's lacking or what you don't have while gratitude focuses on abundance and what you do have. So we're gonna continue on with this in the next episode where we'll talk about the impacts of entitlement and gratitude and different areas of our lives that they can affect. So we'll see you in the next episode.
Have a great day, happy Thanksgiving and remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you.
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