#157: A Summer Without a Schedule: My ADHD Mom Game Plan

If you're already bracing yourself for summer, like literally clenching your butt cheeks at the idea of no alone time and no real structure, I just want you to know, same. I am scared to death of the openness of it all. Three months of, what are we going to do today, mom? This is not a how-to episode with printable schedules. This is not me telling you how to manage your summer and set up a routine, but...

It is me sharing two powerful things that are helping me approach this summer with way less pressure, one that leans a little woo, and one that gets into the work we need to do as ADHD moms. Welcome to the Mother Plus Podcast, the show for too much moms who feel like they're not enough. I'm your host, Stacey Hudson, and along with my co-host, Stephanie Springer, we are two ADHD moms who most definitely don't have it all together. But we know one thing for sure.

Understanding our brains is the key to enjoying motherhood. Today, I want to share with you how I'm going to get through it using a little woo and a little work. For those of us who struggle with anxiety, especially triggered by our own children, you know that planning out the summer is not solving the real problem. Focusing on your mental health is.

You are not alone in this anxiety, this summer anxiety. I am here in the thick of it with you, and I have a strong hunch that we're all going to be okay. You ready? Let's do this. So let's start by talking about what is real right now. I'm going to be totally honest with you and tell you that I am scared to death of summer break. And I have been every year since my kids have entered school and I've gotten that taste of what it feels like to have freedom.

Freedom as a mom to be by yourself, be with yourself, do whatever you want without permission, without somebody asking anything of you. It feels really good. And when it's taken away again, I think it's that much harder to swallow. I hate the lack of structure in summers. I hate the constant obligation to feed my kids 57 times a day. And don't even get me started on being pool mom.

Like that job is relentless. The towels, the goggles, the snacks, the sunscreen, the wet clothes, the insatiable post-swim hunger, the not wanting to go to the pool, but then never wanting to leave the pool. And then the part that really gets me is... having to bathe them every single day just to get that chlorine off.

In normal life, like outside of summer, I'm like a once a week bath kind of mom and even that is really hard for me. I hate the pressure to fill every waking moment with zoo trips, museum trips, and deeply enriching character building. activities. The kinds of things that I always imagined my friends were doing with their stay-at-home moms when I was a kid while I was stuck at camp. Ha! If I only knew.

I hate the constant refereeing. I hate the stupidest of fights between my girls. And most importantly, I hate the loss of my alone time. I am going to miss that dearly. And this last week of school always feels like a bit of a mourning period for myself for that reason. All of that said, there is a tiny bit of excitement.

It is small, but it is there and it is worth mentioning. I have turned down the volume a bit on the work I do for this podcast over the last few weeks, and I am shocked at how good it has been for my nervous system. It has caused me to slow down, to look up, and to see what's right in front of me. And when I do that, I have found

two girls who are growing up very fast. One finishing up her preschool era and entering into her kindergarten one. The other is wrapping up second grade and heading into third, where friendships suddenly matter more than ever. and where she is experiencing her first ever real crush. Oh my God, he's so cute, you guys. I'm obsessed. All right. Have you seen the movie Inside Out 2?

If you haven't, run, go see it now. It is immensely helpful for those of us who struggle with any sort of anxiety. So in Inside Out 2, there's this one moment that absolutely gutted me. Riley's family island shrinks while her friendship island expands. Meaning... What's going on in Riley's brain and Riley's body during her adolescent years is that her focus on her family is getting less and her focus on her friends is getting bigger. And it is subtle.

But it is such a powerful moment. And every mom watching feels that moment deep in her bones because we know it's true. We remember when it happened to us. And now we are watching it happen to them. I am running out of time with these girls and I can feel it.

The time when they want to play with me, when they want to be with me and snuggle and have story time with me on the couch. And I do not want to hit the teen years and realize I spent these summers just counting down the minutes until I could be by myself again. When I started this podcast, my kids were so young and I was in such a different place in my life. I was so overwhelmed by motherhood and the baby toddler years were not my time to thrive.

But when I think about the vision I had for myself before I became a mom, it was always me with a five and a seven-year-old. I just had this gut feeling that this is when I would shine as a mom. And I'm in it. It's here. It has arrived. And I really don't want to miss it because I'm still stuck in that headspace of motherhood is draining the life out of me. So today.

On the last day of preschool for Maggie and almost the last day of second grade for Charlie, I am straddling the loss of my alone time and the loss of my baby girls.

And I know the answer is not to grip tighter to either one. It is to loosen my grip entirely. And that is something I've been learning in a totally unexpected place. And that is human design. I read a book called How to Choose by Tara McMullen, and it almost immediately triggered something in me, this deep, uncomfortable realization that I have been doing it all wrong. it meaning motherhood, and not to be grandiose or anything, but also life. Reading this book has changed how I work.

how I interact with people, and most importantly for this conversation, how I'm going to handle this summer. So let me break it down for you. If you're not familiar with it, human design is like this blend of personality framework, energy mapping, and intuition. It's kind of like if astrology and the Enneagram had a baby. It's all about understanding how you are wired to operate in this world, how you make decisions, how you use your energy, and how you interact with other people.

And for overachieving perfectionist women like us, it is gold. So there are five main human design types. I am absolutely not an expert on this, and I know you don't have a whole lot of time, so I'm just going to give it to you quick. Number one, generators. We're going to call these the steady energy builders. You are here to do work you love. You've got energy, but only when you're lit up by what you're doing.

Your job is to respond to life and not to force it. This is mine. Next up, manifesting generators. These are the multitaskers. You are fast moving, multi-passionate, and you do not like to be boxed in. You're meant to skip steps sometimes and pivot quickly. You move fast when you're excited. Projectors are the guides. You're not here to hustle 24-7. Your energy comes in bursts. You see people deeply and your wisdom lands best when you are invited in. And rest is a huge part of your strategy.

Number four, manifestors, the initiators. You're here to get things started. You are independent, bold, and not meant to wait around. You lead the charge, but you need space and freedom to do it your way. And last but not least, the reflectors, the mirrors. These are super rare. You absorb and reflect the energy around you. You're deeply intuitive and need the right energy.

environment and people around you to feel good. It is creepy how accurate these are once you find out your type. And even if you don't go any further than just that, it can be so validating. It helps you stop trying to be everything for everyone and start working with your energy instead of constantly fighting against it.

I'll tell you at the end how you can find yours, but let me just finish my thought here. Otherwise, I might forget. So I am a generator. And while I could spiral into a million rabbit holes about what that means, the biggest thing I have taken away is this. Stop pushing and start responding. Get quiet and listen. And above all, trust your instincts. My gut, my intuition, which funnily enough.

is my word of the year, intuition. Knew that before I even discovered this human design stuff. So how does this translate to the summer?

When I bring the girls home after that school picnic on Friday and the reality of three long months at home with mom sets in, I can let go of that. pressure that I've been putting on myself so much to make it the perfect summer and to be the perfect mom I don't have to chase anything Everything the girls and I need to make magic, to make memories, is in me. My whole life I have had this ability to walk into a room and feel the energy in it.

Read the people, know how to talk to them, know how to connect. And with my own children, that instinct is even stronger. I can go into my daughter's room first thing in the morning and feel out exactly what her energy is before she even says a word. I can have nothing planned for the day. Look outside, look at my girls, and then get a ping that we should find a place that we've never been to before. And then start Googling and somehow we end up on this magical adventure. Or they...

could really use some social interaction today. I can sense it. They need a break from just each other. And I shoot a text to a mom friend. I can identify the moment that one of them switched moods based on what the other said and then encouraged them to talk it out before the fighting escalates. And when one of them is sad, I know exactly what to say or not to say.

to make them feel better. I can hold them for 10 minutes straight with them weeping in my arms and know with certainty that I was made to mother them, that I've got them. I have known this all along. I have just been too stuck in my perfectionistic ways to see it. Too caught up in the right way to do things as a mother. We talked about this on our Tracy Atsuka episode. The superpower of the ADHD mom is her ability to connect on a deeper level because we can feel it all.

And especially we can feel it all when it comes to our children. And if we use that correctly, that can be really powerful. And it occurred to me that there is no better time than summer break to use these powers of mine. During the school year, we're too rushed. The schedule is too rigid just to feel into it. But now we've got this wide open space, most days unknown, unfilled, and I get to use my intuition to fill them. And that's freaking beautiful.

As a generator, I am meant to respond to what lights me up in the moment, to listen to my intuition, to follow the pings. And that is just about the best parenting advice that I have ever received. And if you're listening and you're not a generator, human design might show you something totally different. Maybe you're a projector and your summer gets better when you allow yourself rest or a manifesting generator who thrives on variety.

or a manifester who needs space to do things your own way. The point is, there isn't one right way, but there is one right your way. And once you find it, you stop feeling like you're failing and you finally start living. So that's the woo thing I'm leaning into to help me with my summer. But sometimes the woo isn't enough.

During this long stretch of time with my kids, I know I'm going to get dysregulated. I know that their constant bickering and my constant need to resolve the fight and make everybody love each other is going to put me over the edge. And I know my lack of alone time. is going to make me irritable human design can't necessarily fix that This is the real stuff, the stuff we wrestle with as ADHD moms and we can't ignore or gloss over. And this is where the work comes in.

You know who I cannot get out of my head lately, but in the best way, is Raquel, the capacity expert. She has been all over my Instagram lately with her... uncoddled empowerment reels. I will reference her in the show notes so you can go look her up for yourself. But what you need to know for this episode is her definition of capacity is not about how much you can do or how organized or perfect a mom you can be. or a person, really. It's about how much life you can hold.

How much emotion, how much chaos, how much uncertainty you can sit with without spiraling and without deciding that you're broken or that you're failing. And when I first heard one of her reels, It hit me so hard because after my ADHD diagnosis, I think on this subconscious level, I decided that certain things were just too hard for me. Can you relate to that?

bills, like laundry, like keeping it together for the summer when everyone's home and bored and hungry and touching me nonstop, like because I have ADHD. I, it's just too much for me, that I can't take it. I just couldn't handle what other moms could, that I had to control everything to even get through it, to survive it. But Raquel's work has taught me this lesson that I cannot unlearn. I don't need to control it all to be okay in it. Yes, summer still overwhelms me.

Yes, I crave alone time like I crave air, but I am not broken. I am not fragile. I am building capacity. capacity to hold the mess and the emotion and to hold the fact that the structure is gone and the house is loud and there are half-finished art projects everywhere and that I can still stay with myself through it.

What do I mean by that? I mean that I will not abandon myself when things get hard, that I don't get that spaced out look in my eyes when I'm overwhelmed with the girl's demands, and I don't push through pretending I'm fine when I'm clearly not fine. tell myself to suck it up or shame myself for struggling, I notice what's coming up. And when I feel the chaos rising in my body, tight chest, lump in my throat, that urge to scream.

I pause and ask, what do I need right now? Can I give myself permission to feel this without making it mean that I'm failing? And then, instead of letting my emotions take over, I excuse myself. Maybe I put on a show for the kids, give them a screen, whatever it may be. I go to my room or somewhere private and I breathe or I cry or I just stare at the ceiling for five minutes.

I stay committed to my morning rituals through the whole summer so that I can start the day with that time with myself to get my head in the right place proactively before the madness begins. Most importantly, I stay with myself. I stay with myself. I give myself time to be with myself. I don't peace out on my own needs in the name of being a good mom.

I allow myself to feel the overwhelm without letting it take over my body. I remind myself, I am still a good mom when I'm dysregulated. I'm still a good mom when I'm overstimulated. I can have a hard moment and not make it a hard day or a horrible summer. That's what capacity is. It's not pretending that chaos doesn't affect you. It's learning how to be there with yourself in it.

When all the structure disappears and the noise levels go through the roof in your house, I want you to try this. Instead of asking, how do I make this stop? Try asking, how can I stay with myself right now? It will not fix the chaos, but it will ground you in it. It will show you that you're still okay. That's the work. That's the capacity.

Lovely little mantra this summer to help me remember that, that I'm just going to put on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror. I don't need to control it to be okay in it. I hope. that that lands for somebody listening and you are welcome to steal it if you want to.

Lastly, I want to touch on something that Steph and I have talked a lot about on this show, and that is our disdain for imaginative play. I'm talking getting on the floor, doing voices, maybe even putting on costumes, the whole shebang. In the past, it has been one of my greatest fears of summer. Constant request of, Mom, will you play with me?

But something in me has shifted and I think it's because my kids have grown up a lot since I started this podcast. And while I still do not love floor play, I almost said foreplay, that's weird. Anyways, I have found something that I can do that I'm actually really good at with them. And that is talking. Talking to them and listening to them. Like having... deep conversations, especially with my seven and a half year old. She is starting to see the world in more complex ways and she is feeling

All the feels, the confusion, the frustration, the excitement, the overwhelm, the butterflies. And I love being the one she talks to about it. I check in with both girls at bedtime. Every night with one simple question, what is on your mind? And nine times out of 10, I'm in for at least a half an hour of heart spilling, mostly from my seven and a half year old, but... It is messy and it is cringy. Oh my God, the second grade drama is no joke, but it is also the best part of my day. Deep, deep.

conversations are my love language, and I'm realizing I get to share that part of me with my girls now. I may not be playing kitties and bunnies on the rug, but I am connecting with them in a way that feels real. That feels natural. And that's actually making a real impact on their lives. This is what's going to matter as they get older.

is what makes me a great mom. And I think it's the thing that most of us ADHD moms are really good at. So in all that time you have through the summer, see the pockets where you can really sit on the ground and chat with your kids. Yeah, maybe they're flying a plastic dragon around your head while you're doing it, but they're listening and they're happy that you're happy to be sitting there with them. That's it. That's what I got.

So before I go, I want to tell you what you can expect from the Mother Plus podcast this summer. Steph and I are taking a much needed break from the show, but we aren't going to leave you hanging. We will be sharing with you our most loved, our most listened to shows. For those of you who may have missed it and came across our show later, are some really, really, really fabulous guests that we know you're going to love. We invite you to use this time to also embrace a slower pace, to remember

That our energy doesn't get bigger when we try harder. Our ADHD symptoms don't get better. When we rush more, when we try to control more, when we grit our teeth and try really, really, really, really hard to be amazing, awesome moms, they get better. The symptoms get better when we slow down. when we sit in silence, when we give ourselves a moment to think and to be with ourselves. So if you're already feeling behind before the summer has even begun,

If your kids are fighting and you are hiding in the bathroom crying right now, I want you to know that you are not alone. We are right there with you. And I'm begging you to try to find a moment. to get quiet and be with yourself and listen to what you need. And remember that you're stronger than you think you are. If you want to find out your own human design, you can get a free chart at sites like mybodygraph.com or the one I used, humandesignblueprint.com.

All you need is your birth date, your birth time, and your location. And if you want to follow Raquel, her Instagram is Raquel underscore the underscore capacity underscore expert. You do not have to reinvent yourself this summer. You just have to sit with yourself. Goodbye, friends. You're doing better than you think, and we'll be here if you need us.