[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, good morning and welcome back for welcome to Morning Ray. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host Lann Orlana. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm currently sitting on my bed in my bedroom, or else would my bed be. [SPEAKER_00]: But this feels extremely nostalgic and like O.G. [SPEAKER_00]: at Morning Ray.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you know you know, I'll use to [SPEAKER_00]: Sit in my old bedroom in my old department lying on my bed with my mic on my chest Almost think I'm a Chamberlain ask if you know like the old episode recordings of her recording her podcast But it is actually today today is November 20th when I'm recording this episode for you guys
[SPEAKER_00]: It is my five-year anniversary or rather our five-year anniversary of Morning Ray, which is absolutely insane, you guys, like, five years of me just yapping into the best coping that someone is listening on the other side, all of your incredible and sweet and heartfelt messages, tags on social media, shares, [SPEAKER_00]: Chats over DMs all of it. [SPEAKER_00]: It is crazy that we've been together for five years.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether you've been here since the start, whether you've joined along the way, I appreciate each and every single one of you. [SPEAKER_00]: Even if it is your first time listening to the podcast today, welcome. [SPEAKER_00]: This episode is definitely going to be a very candid conversation. [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I've been on very much a glow up if you will for the past year.
[SPEAKER_00]: And not only I feel like a lot of the times people when they think of glow up, they think of body transformation, your physical appearance, changing, and it has to do with a lot of external factors.
[SPEAKER_00]: but honestly, I feel like this has been also very much an inner work journey and it repold into an external effect and there is a lot of mind, body work that was done, a lot of inner work and I know this is something that I've been asked about a lot, I've shared a few reels and tiktoks here and there and maybe discuss it a little bit on my stories [SPEAKER_00]: when you guys have asked and all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I thought it would be a good starting point to kind of go through everything that I worked on, that I changed what I think impacted my mindset, my perspective, the way I make action, the way I make decisions, the actions that I take, and what I think really resulted in this change that you are now seeing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you've been following me and you see the difference because I do think there is a notable difference Obviously there was some weight loss that coincided with it, but that really wasn't what like I didn't start this year being like Oh, I want to I want to lose weight or last year even because I feel like it kind of started last year
[SPEAKER_00]: a bit around like March Aprilish, I guess you could say, but I would say this year, 2025 was a really monumental year for me, and it was a really transformative year. [SPEAKER_00]: I can see the pain and the hurt and everything that I was navigating and everything I was sick of feeling and I can see that old version of myself but at the same time I also almost don't recognize her anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean more so if I look back physically on even older pictures and videos myself from earlier in 2024 like I really don't recognize myself physically like especially my face. [SPEAKER_00]: So so different, but I feel like last year is definitely more of like a physical change. [SPEAKER_00]: I lost quite a bit of weight for my height. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm only 5-4 so like a 20 pound difference is quite a large difference.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's not going to be much talk about weight if that's triggering for you on this episode. [SPEAKER_00]: Just note that's probably about it of it. [SPEAKER_00]: But I think from the beginning of this year to now in terms of the way I see things and the way I respond and deal with conflict and I interact in my friendships and my relationships and hold myself, I think that had the most change and so I'm going to be focusing predominantly on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I hope you enjoyed this episode. [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that maybe there are some takeaways. [SPEAKER_00]: For you, something to learn from, maybe you feel like you're in a sort of a similar spot that I was in the beginning of this year, kind of just feeling lost and tired of patterns or peating itself, the same outcomes continuously happening in my relationships, whether they be friendships.
[SPEAKER_00]: romantic relationships, my relationship with myself just a lot of patterns that kept repeating and we're exhausting and I feel like 2024 I would try to kind of change things but it wasn't really changing but in 2025 I feel that I was successful not and trying to remember what my therapist [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I remember. [SPEAKER_00]: She framed it as this way. [SPEAKER_00]: I cleaned out the house and now I'm rebuilding the house.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're renovating, we're putting new furniture in, we're creating new rooms. [SPEAKER_00]: There's a new vibe, a new era, a new theme, if you will. [SPEAKER_00]: So. [SPEAKER_00]: Let's start at the top.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to start in January where my head was at what was going on and what kind of things I started to do and then we'll move forward from there because I feel like that's the best way I'm going to be able to kind of [SPEAKER_00]: Share everything if you will and be able to give you the most substance. [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to grab your notebook, your pen and paper, open up your notes app.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to take notes, maybe you're driving, you're walking, whatever it is. [SPEAKER_00]: Got ready to tune in and listen in. [SPEAKER_00]: Um, okay, so January. [SPEAKER_00]: January, I, I wasn't shambles you guys. [SPEAKER_00]: Like, people were talking about me. [SPEAKER_00]: They were like, Alana's down bad. [SPEAKER_00]: I was not in a good headspace. [SPEAKER_00]: I had just broken up with my situation, ship, if you will. [SPEAKER_00]: I had been falling for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this me, so vulnerable. [SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully, God forbid, he listens to this. [SPEAKER_00]: God forbid, anyone. [SPEAKER_00]: that actually knows me. [SPEAKER_00]: Well, listen to this. [SPEAKER_00]: Anyways, I thought I was falling for him. [SPEAKER_00]: We had traveled together and it was a pretty traumatic breakup, if you will, if you can call it a breakup and ending if you really want to be [SPEAKER_00]: super-specific over here. [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of things happened.
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt really burnt. [SPEAKER_00]: I felt disregarded. [SPEAKER_00]: I was really upset by the outcomes, not only in their behavior, but also in a disappointed a lot in myself for letting something like this happen, for letting a similar outcome happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, but at the same time, I was also feeling really proud of myself because when things started to go really south and no longer there was no feelings of anything good and I no longer trusted my relationship with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even on a friendship level if you will, I had a conversation, I heard what they had to say and I cut ties when they answered and fit what I was [SPEAKER_00]: I held myself to and hold my relationships to whether, no matter what category you want to put them in. [SPEAKER_00]: And that was something I had never really done before. [SPEAKER_00]: I had attempted to do it in a past situation, ship relationship, if you will, but I didn't really hold true to those boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: I let them be crossed. [SPEAKER_00]: And in times before that, I often would get to the point where I would kind of state what I wanted but if they said they didn't want that I'd be like, oh, that's okay. [SPEAKER_00]: Like we came just carry on as is, you know, we don't have to progress kind of thing. [SPEAKER_00]: So it was a slow progression to getting better and better at communicating what I want asking for I want learning how to set a boundary and learning how to keep it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was something I was really proud of. [SPEAKER_00]: That was a huge growth moment, a huge pivotal moment from 2023 early on to 2025. [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like the progress really happened between.
[SPEAKER_00]: 24, 2024 and 2025. [SPEAKER_00]: And if you can relate in any sort of way, having like being a people pleaser and not being super great at setting boundaries and communicating your needs and your wants, especially when it comes to romantic partners, learning how to do that. [SPEAKER_00]: It's scary, it's frightening, it's intimidating, it goes against everything that you know, [SPEAKER_00]: patterns that you're used to creating for yourself, and so it was very uncomfortable for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was intimidating, it was scary, it was nerve-wracking, I was filled with anxiety, so much as a point where I felt so sick, like I actually felt so nauseous in my throat and my stomach was really hard for me to eat. [SPEAKER_00]: When going through these periods of my life, [SPEAKER_00]: ending of that situation ship was honestly really rough. [SPEAKER_00]: Like I had never felt like I had hit rock bottom so hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a second pretty significant breakup if you will in a year. [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like I had just finally recovered truthfully from the last one. [SPEAKER_00]: And [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like I hit rock bottom. [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, I don't like how I feel. [SPEAKER_00]: I don't understand how I did understand how I got there. [SPEAKER_00]: But I was like, why am I here again in a way? [SPEAKER_00]: Why was it a smarter?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, kind of just like blaming myself while still also being angry at the other person for. [SPEAKER_00]: their choices and their decisions and feeling that it was okay to treat me in the way that they chose to treat me and being mad at myself for allowing myself to accept such behavior and treat myself in that way as well because I'm also not perfect and [SPEAKER_00]: I could have also never gotten involved, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also probably didn't act perfectly as well either, but hasn't a pretty, pretty shitty head space. [SPEAKER_00]: I have a pretty big heart, a sensitive heart, I feel big, I feel all the motions and [SPEAKER_00]: I told myself I wasn't going to numb them. [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't going to distract myself from them, but I also wasn't going to just sit in them for the sake of sitting in them.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I let myself feel what I wanted to feel for 24, 48 hours, and then I was picking myself up and I was getting on with my life, because I wasn't going to let this one instance hold me back, let me sit, let me rot. [SPEAKER_00]: And so I decided that I was going to keep up with things that made me feel really good.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's a really important lesson for anyone, whether you're struggling with seasonal depression or depression in general, or maybe you're going through a really rough spot in your life, in your career, in your relationships, whatever it is. [SPEAKER_00]: You have to do the things that know you make you that you know make you feel good, even if you have no desire to do them.
[SPEAKER_00]: even if it takes every and ounce of energy in you, every ounce of will to get yourself up and at him and to go and do that damn stupid morning routine, you need to do it. [SPEAKER_00]: If you're going through a breakup right now, you need to get up, you need to set up an early alarm, like don't sleep in all the time that's going to make you feel like shit, create a morning routine that makes you feel good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever I'm going through a breakup I swear so to a situation ship breakups are literally the worst I really love to read a Brianna Weiss book and I'm a broken record about Brianna Weiss I read the mountain as you when I went through that first earlier breakup in 2024 and then I read when you're ready This is how you heal when I was going through that later breakup and I would just read a paragraph and excerred whatever a chapter a page
[SPEAKER_00]: each day and I would also journal and I really tried to stay off of my phone because I found Being on my phone all the time and scrolling just made me more anxious more upset more in my head and I allowed myself to really feel all the feelings and emotions as they came up and I encouraged myself to let them go And I did this thing called no contact [SPEAKER_00]: And I took it one step further this time actually, and I think this made a huge difference.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I can confidently say that I am still no contact in all of these ways, and it feels fucking amazing. [SPEAKER_00]: So, what you're going to do when I heard this on Mel Robbins podcast in her breakup episode with her daughter Sawyer, who was freshly out of her breakup at that time. [SPEAKER_00]: 30 days no contact.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this obviously includes not talking to that person, whether it be a friend breakup or a romantic breakup, parent breakup family breakup, whatever it is. [SPEAKER_00]: No contact, no talking, no texting, no DMing, no stop chatting, no phone calling, no talking in person. [SPEAKER_00]: If you see them in person, you say hi, you ask them how they are, you walk away. [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to have a full conversation with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, looking at pictures, videos hearing their voice, especially. [SPEAKER_00]: No searching up their social media, no looking at old pictures on your phone, no going down memory lane, reading your old conversations, on eye message, whatever it is, delete it, get rid of it, out of sight, out of mind. [SPEAKER_00]: The more, especially when it comes to the voice, I've learned that it just reconnects your nervous system to them.
[SPEAKER_00]: and it just re starts, it rips the band it off. [SPEAKER_00]: The womb starts from ground zero, okay? [SPEAKER_00]: So no listening to their voice, none of that. [SPEAKER_00]: And you want to do this for at least 30 days. [SPEAKER_00]: And with that side, also no mentioning their name. [SPEAKER_00]: trying not to talk about them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this one was probably the hardest because obviously when something happens in your life, you want to talk about it with all your girlfriends, with your therapist, all of that again and again and again.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I find with anything in life, the more you let something fester, the more you talk about it, the bigger it gets in your mind and the [SPEAKER_00]: and that only makes it bigger than it actually is, it only makes it feel that much more real, that much more present, that much more current, but the more you encourage yourself to not talk about them, to not mention their name. [SPEAKER_00]: The further away gets and the more you can let go of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So with any sort of issue, negative hivody in your life, try not to fester on it, try not to get obsessed with it, try not to over discuss it, time and time again. [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's fun to talk about the same issue and look at it from a million different ways, a million different times. [SPEAKER_00]: And I know, I'm guilty of this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I do it too, but the more you discuss something, the more you obsess over it, you hyper fixate on it and makes it bigger in your head and it makes it harder to move on. [SPEAKER_00]: It makes it harder to put it behind you and Straight forward, it's harder to move on to the next. [SPEAKER_00]: So really encourage yourself to limit discussion, discussing whatever happened, obviously, time and place. [SPEAKER_00]: Therapy, great place to talk about it, but learn how to put it away.
[SPEAKER_00]: You write about it in your journal, you mind up, you let it go, you don't marinate in it. [SPEAKER_00]: We do it once, we maybe do it a few times, you don't have to do it every single time, you know. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that was a really big mindset shift [SPEAKER_00]: I would just discuss all these negative shitty things that happened to me. [SPEAKER_00]: It's especially when it came to dating and boys and I was very much a victim mentality.
[SPEAKER_00]: But now looking back, I had an epiphany I think like halfway through this year. [SPEAKER_00]: That not that these guys were actually angels and I was I was only problem. [SPEAKER_00]: No, I think that the whole time a lot of the problems and a lot of the things that I brought into my life were because I needed to work on things myself. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's the beautiful thing about relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, if you will.
[SPEAKER_00]: They are often mere reflections of our relationship with ourselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: The people that we let in closest to us and the way that they treat us and communicate with us, [SPEAKER_00]: and how that relationship looks, often mirrors the relationship that we have with ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we respect ourselves, or how the lack of respect to be half ourselves, the lack of boundaries we have for ourselves, that often is reflected in our relationships, friendship, romantic, platonic, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: Believe it or not, I'll let you take a moment to ponder to think, to reflect on that. [SPEAKER_00]: But I think this whole time, I was often the one that was emotionally unavailable, and so therefore I subconsciously chose emotionally unavailable partners because that felt safe and familiar to me, and I knew subconsciously that it would never work out that I wouldn't have to be emotionally available. [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have to be emotionally vulnerable with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have to learn how to communicate my feelings openly and comfortably with them. [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have to do something that was out of my comfort zone, because I could just keep repeating the pattern that I had been continuously repeating since I was a little girl. [SPEAKER_00]: Deep, huh? [SPEAKER_00]: but that was a realization that I had and I was tired of that and so I decided to completely de-center men in the beginning of 2025.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to be the girl that would respond to guys' stories. [SPEAKER_00]: I would like them. [SPEAKER_00]: I would give a hit a woody response. [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't be afraid to make the first move. [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't scared to text a guy first. [SPEAKER_00]: I would double text, whatever it was.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted love, you know, I'm a hopeless romantic and I's seeking connection whether be in friendships or in romantic relationships and sometimes not the best connections because that I just wanted a feeling, I wanted to feel like I belong to like I fed. [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm sure some of you, all of you, a lot of you maybe, I don't know, can relate to that feeling, that sensation, that earning, that yearning, you're earning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, but I really decentored men in the beginning of 2025. [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't let myself initiate anything, but I wasn't closed off either. [SPEAKER_00]: If I was out and I was at a bar and a guy came up and spoke to me, I wouldn't be cold to them. [SPEAKER_00]: If I felt like talking to them, I would talk to them if someone had asked me on a person and I was into it, then I would entertain that. [SPEAKER_00]: But I wouldn't go out of my way to initiate things on my own.
[SPEAKER_00]: If things came to me, it was a different story. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that was probably one of the best things I ever did for myself because it really forced me to tune in and look in words and to really work on my relationship with myself and to truthfully for the first time ever build a full life. [SPEAKER_00]: that I was proud of, that I was fulfilled by without the need of a man to complete that, without the need of a romantic partner to complete that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I started to pick up more hobbies and spend more time with friends and really focus on rebuilding friendships and finding friendships that aligned with where I wanted to go. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think at this point I also started to have a lot of realizations about friendships that I had had for a really long time. [SPEAKER_00]: And that's not to say that these people aren't good people. [SPEAKER_00]: We were just no longer a fit.
[SPEAKER_00]: and who knows maybe we'll become friends again in the future. [SPEAKER_00]: But I realized that staying friends with them and staying so close with them was causing more harm than good in my life. [SPEAKER_00]: They kept bringing me back to the way that I used to think, the way I used to act. [SPEAKER_00]: I would start to feel better and feel like I hadn't moved on from who I was in that situation ship and who I used to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the friendships would bring up things again that would try to bring me back down to that place. [SPEAKER_00]: I used to be whether they realized it or not, whether it was intentional or not. [SPEAKER_00]: And so I had to take space. [SPEAKER_00]: to separate myself from those people in order to be able to rebuild, to rebuild my home. [SPEAKER_00]: I had to clear out the house and it wasn't easy. [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely hesitated.
[SPEAKER_00]: I took space and fell extremely lonely around February and re-inserted myself back full force into those friendships. [SPEAKER_00]: And it took a while to be able to fully let go and to know that moving away from those friendships was for the best.
[SPEAKER_00]: And even though it seemed really scary and like I was doing something wrong at the time, I am forever grateful that I decided to take space even though sometimes I do miss the relationships that I used to have with those people.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't miss the state of the [SPEAKER_00]: but I do miss sometimes what it used to be and that's okay and I do think there are people that come into our life for a season, for a reason some for a lifetime and sometimes you grow with the people that you meet along the way and sometimes you grow apart and both are okay and I think that's also a huge part of your 20s especially as females we have such deep intertwined
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're literally up each other's asses, if you will, and it's only normal for friendships to sometimes grow apart to no longer be serving both parties, and that's okay, but I started to rebuild and I found beautiful friendships that [SPEAKER_00]: felt healthy and secure and there was no jealousy or competition or any backstabbing or any just like no negative energy if something upset us We talk about it and there's no have to ask them to be a good friend just from day one.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've been good friends to each other [SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like I have learned how to be a better friend through these friendships. [SPEAKER_00]: I've learned how to be a better partner in a partnership through those friendships. [SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't easy. [SPEAKER_00]: It's hard making friends as an adult. [SPEAKER_00]: It's hard building close, meaningful, deep relationships as an adult. [SPEAKER_00]: So we don't spend as much time together.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have busy lives. [SPEAKER_00]: We have work. [SPEAKER_00]: We have commitments. [SPEAKER_00]: but it is possible. [SPEAKER_00]: I think I have truly built some of the most meaningful and beautiful friendships this year with new friends. [SPEAKER_00]: I've reconnected with old friends and it feels really, really good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I feel like I finally have [SPEAKER_00]: A genuinely supportive group of people around me who I don't feel like if I'm not in the room, they're saying something bad about me or they're letting other people speak negatively about me to them. [SPEAKER_00]: I genuinely feel like these people are my family and that social circle is small.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to want to have a million one best friends, you know, like you see in the movies and [SPEAKER_00]: And I've had that, and honestly sometimes it sucks because it looks all glittery and like rainbows and butterflies on the outside, but there's a whole lot of drama and shit that can happen. [SPEAKER_00]: And I learned that I way rather have a few really good quality close friends than a million. [SPEAKER_00]: And that's all to say, I don't have friends and acquaintances.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say I have a lot of acquaintances and friendships with people that I catch up with here and there, but those who are in my inner circle, very small, very, very small. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think as you get older, you learn that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You learn who you can really trust who won't put an evil eye on you who's worth keeping around who is worth having access to the deepest darkest parts of you So I would say Learning how to de-center man Prioritize my life finding purpose in my career We're a huge part of it letting go of friendships that were no longer serving me [SPEAKER_00]: And with that letting go of habits that were no longer serving me. [SPEAKER_00]: So this need for constant validation from men.
[SPEAKER_00]: I let that go. [SPEAKER_00]: Every single time I felt the desire to reach out to someone or to post something to get some sort of validation, I paused and asked myself why. [SPEAKER_00]: I asked myself if it would actually... [SPEAKER_00]: Give me what I was looking for, or if I could just give it to myself, if there was another way that I could do it, that was a lot healthier, that didn't require an external component, if I could provide it to myself internally.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that also in tandem helped build myself a seam and my relationship with myself and myself confidence and the way that I held myself and interacted with others.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also really slowed down this year while at the same time speeding up a lot because I think it was such a career focused year I started teaching Pilates which scared the hell out of me but I took that jump that leap of faith and I think that is something that has had such a positive impact [SPEAKER_00]: on my life. [SPEAKER_00]: I love creating content. [SPEAKER_00]: I love podcasting, but I needed something that had nothing to really do with me at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't online. [SPEAKER_00]: I needed something that was in person, that I was someplace to go. [SPEAKER_00]: Structure responsibility in that sense. [SPEAKER_00]: People relying on me.
[SPEAKER_00]: something that also just like scared the living hell out of me, that made me uncomfortable that forced me to think differently to act differently and teaching Pilates has really been not for me and I'm continuing to do that by doing certifications and exploring new modes of teaching and all of that which is a story for another time and it's all really exciting.
[SPEAKER_00]: But, I think that gave me a lot of purpose and fulfillment in my career and felt made me feel a little less lost in the direction that I'm heading because I'm sure many of you can relate to feeling unsure if you're heading in the right direction with your career, if you're doing the right thing, if you should change things.
[SPEAKER_00]: If the job that you have is right, if you want to try something else, like there's so many questions with that, and my biggest piece of advice for that is, if you have some sort of excited nervous curiosity about something, that is your cue, your signal, your gut telling you to lean in to jump into it. [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes it's not always practical, but I encourage you to explore that and to pursue that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And obviously circumstances sometimes don't allow for it, but if there is a will, there is a way and you can try to find a way to make it work. [SPEAKER_00]: But really just like prioritizing career has been really fulfilling. [SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, as I said, I slowed down a lot this year, so what do I mean by that? [SPEAKER_00]: I saw being so hard on myself to do a million things at once. [SPEAKER_00]: I really prioritize rest and recovery now and downtime.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love my time alone in my apartment. [SPEAKER_00]: I love having a chill night in. [SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel this need to continuously have plans and be out and be social and keep my mind busy in that way. [SPEAKER_00]: I am not afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not afraid of sitting still. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not afraid of doing things on my own. [SPEAKER_00]: Any more I've traveled by myself. [SPEAKER_00]: I've had dinner at a restaurant by myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gone to a bar by myself. [SPEAKER_00]: I've done a lot of things independently. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that was a huge confidence booster, a huge self-esteem booster. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that really, especially the solo travel trips, let a fire under me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it really helps me develop as a woman and figure out who I was and what I liked and what I didn't like and how [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to interact with people, I had two solo trips, one where I was very much single and dating and exploring the city and meeting people that way and one where I was single and not wanting a man near me and I just wanted to do my own things and to take myself for dinner and to enjoy my own company.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a time and place for everything. [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but I think really being experimental and curious and trying new things and doing new things and being okay with not being great at it and being okay with feeling a little uncomfortable and nervous and anxious about it, doing more of those things I think was a really important [SPEAKER_00]: And what really allowed me to, I guess, blossom into who I have become now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like that is a common trend whenever I see content of girls mostly speaking. [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like a lot of my pages predominantly women. [SPEAKER_00]: But whenever I hear people who have shared their... [SPEAKER_00]: Whenever I have heard stories of people sharing their similar experiences, going on this growth journey, really feeling like they went through a transformative year.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of it has to do with changing what they were doing before, and doing the things that made them feel uncomfortable. [SPEAKER_00]: Because we are always told, old ways don't open new doors. [SPEAKER_00]: Our old habits, you can't expect them to create new results. [SPEAKER_00]: They're going to create the same results. [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want change, you have to change. [SPEAKER_00]: You have to get comfortable with uncomfortable. [SPEAKER_00]: These are all things.
[SPEAKER_00]: We hear all the time and I feel like for the first time ever, I wholeheartedly took them full fledged and put them into action. [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like in the past, I would like quasi have to do it, you know, if you will, like I had one foot in the door, one foot out of the door, kind of thing. [SPEAKER_00]: I have nothing to lose. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm at the bottom of who I am. [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm at rock bottom right now. [SPEAKER_00]: What else could go wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I might as well just try. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think in being so honest with myself and acknowledging that in past years, I was half doing it. [SPEAKER_00]: I was half doing the work and taking accountability for that. [SPEAKER_00]: And learning and being aware of what I was doing that again and falling back into old habits and learning how to snap myself out of it and be like, oh, hey, and I like we're not doing that anymore. [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's old you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's in an old book now and that's okay. [SPEAKER_00]: There was a time and place for that, but that's not. [SPEAKER_00]: who we want to be anymore. [SPEAKER_00]: That's not what our highest higher self shows up as. [SPEAKER_00]: That's not how they think. [SPEAKER_00]: That's not how they respond. [SPEAKER_00]: That's not how they act. [SPEAKER_00]: That's not the kind of people they let around themselves, you know, like that sort of mentality.
[SPEAKER_00]: So to kind of summarize everything I'm so open about so far. [SPEAKER_00]: this feels it's kind of hard to remember because I don't have any notes and normally I have some show notes, but no contact. [SPEAKER_00]: If you are going through a breakup, no contact in speaking, seeing hearing, talking, etc. [SPEAKER_00]: D-sendering men, D-sendering dating, if you will, no matter who you're interested in.
[SPEAKER_00]: really focusing yourself, figuring out what you're interested in, finding new hobbies, passions, finding purpose, and fulfillment in your life, especially in career, because we do, fortunately, or unfortunately, spend a lot of our time working to be able to afford a lifestyle that we want
[SPEAKER_00]: on what you want for yourself, and you are so clear on what you want to be doing, where you want to be, who you want to be surrounded with, how you want to be acknowledged, how you want people to perceive you and not in like a people pleasing kind of way, but just like when you think of yourself like how do you want to be remembered, how do you want to be interviewed, like if people were to interview what kind of questions would
[SPEAKER_00]: and like what kind of partner do you want? [SPEAKER_00]: And what kind of friends do you want? [SPEAKER_00]: Every single aspect gets so clear, crystal clear on what you want you and your life to look like. [SPEAKER_00]: And do not accept anything else less than that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna just focus on the dating aspect of this because I think this was like a huge epiphany that I had this year and it was a big way that I changed dating when I felt ready to date again, which if I mind you didn't happen until April, and if like April May,
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is funny because May is one I'm at my boyfriend, but I went out with I think two guys like on two dates before him and then I met him And on the last I decided exactly what I wanted in a partner how I wanted to be dated How I wanted them to court me how I wanted to be asked out how I wanted to be spoken to cared for What I wanted the relationship to look like feel like be like
[SPEAKER_00]: and whenever a guy wasn't acting, performing, if you will, in that nature, in that manner, I no longer entertained it just for the stroke of the ego. [SPEAKER_00]: In the past, I would have still entertained that, even if I knew, deep down that was not who I wanted to date. [SPEAKER_00]: That was not who I wanted. [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend to be, my fiance, my husband, my life partner. [SPEAKER_00]: But this year is like, I don't care anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm so done with having a man around just because just for someone to talk to, someone to talk to, to compliment me if they even do that to sleep with, if you will. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so done. [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't care. [SPEAKER_00]: I literally, I was self at, like, I did not hook up with anyone until my boyfriend, like, I literally, like, I kissed of you guys, but I didn't do anything.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I literally was like, I don't want to hook up with people anymore. [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm done with this hookup culture, I'm done with accepting less than what I want. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm done with it. [SPEAKER_00]: And I was never rude to guys. [SPEAKER_00]: But if a guy was just breadcrumming me or was just asking me to chill, [SPEAKER_00]: or wasn't courting me in the way that I wanted to be courted.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I didn't feel like we had the chemistry that I wanted to have with my partner, then I wasn't interested. [SPEAKER_00]: That was an immediate turn off. [SPEAKER_00]: And I stopped just keeping men around for the sake of struggling my ego. [SPEAKER_00]: And I guess you could say I took the same approach with my friendships.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stopped keeping friends around just because [SPEAKER_00]: I kept friends around who were meeting me where I wanted to be met, not just having friends where I had to meet them where they wanted to be met. [SPEAKER_00]: I was only keeping friends close to me who were having a friendship with me that I would want to happen with them and what I wanted friendships to look like for me and how I wanted to support them and how I would like them to support me back.
[SPEAKER_00]: I applied this philosophy, if you will, to literally every single category of my life. [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that is the beauty of having self-respect for yourself and having a love for yourself and knowing how and when to set boundaries in how to communicate them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I truly think that in falling back in love with myself, [SPEAKER_00]: learning boundaries and rebuilding my self-esteem, my confidence, my shurness of myself, the universe, the world, rewarded me for that. [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe it's because I was looking through the world in a different lens and filtering it in a different way that allowed me to receive what I have received since [SPEAKER_00]: changing that mindset if you will.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you can say it's just because I changed the way that I'm acting. [SPEAKER_00]: You can say that I was rewarded if you're a bit more spiritual if you're more religious whatever it is. [SPEAKER_00]: But I really do think that I put in the work and you can too to rebuild my life to have my dream life. [SPEAKER_00]: and honestly, sometimes you guys like, I can't think about it too much because it makes me so emotional to think back to how I felt at the beginning of this year.
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt so hopeless and lost. [SPEAKER_00]: And before that, I had thought I was living my dream life and all of a sudden that was thrown out the window. [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want that life anymore. [SPEAKER_00]: That life was no longer my dream life. [SPEAKER_00]: The one that I had spent the past four years building. [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want that anymore. [SPEAKER_00]: I guess you could say 24, 25 years building. [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want it anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted something different. [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted something better. [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted something bigger, grander. [SPEAKER_00]: Something I didn't want to I don't want to just settle for the mundane and I decided that I was willing to put in the work and get comfortable with Being so uncomfortable trying so many new things and acting and moving in a way that I had never done before [SPEAKER_00]: in order to achieve it, in order to work towards it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not to say that there's still so much work to be done. [SPEAKER_00]: There's so much more for me to learn to grow to evolve. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm only 26. [SPEAKER_00]: But you truly do have the power to [SPEAKER_00]: change what is going on in your life. [SPEAKER_00]: You are not a victim, you're not a prisoner, two-year circumstances. [SPEAKER_00]: You can rewrite your story.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know I've been saying this for years, and I feel like I have believed it myself as I was saying it, but I feel like this year, all the puzzle pieces kind of just clicked. [SPEAKER_00]: And I was finally able to clear out my house [SPEAKER_00]: and I've been able to rebuild, and it feels so, so good. [SPEAKER_00]: Crazy. [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I've been going off on a tangent, how long have we been recording for? [SPEAKER_00]: It's been 43 minutes, you guys, 44.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know if all of that made sense. [SPEAKER_00]: I hope it made sense. [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that there were some tangible takeaways for you guys, but to anyone who is listening to this, if you are feeling hopeless, heartbroken, lost in any sort of way, I think a lot of us are feeling kind of out of it right now. [SPEAKER_00]: I think some planets aren't retrograde.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was going through it a little bit with my body image last few weeks and I feel like [SPEAKER_00]: I'm finally coming out of that a little bit, but just know that you can change and come out of this and there is light at the end of the tunnel and the only way through is through and I encourage you not to avoid to numb to ignore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you should work through everything because it's [SPEAKER_00]: If you keep ignoring it, if you keep repeating the same habits, behaviors, you're just going to keep finding yourself in the same position time after time. [SPEAKER_00]: So, if you have patterns in your life that are repeating, don't ignore them, that is your sign, your cue to want to make a change, and it's not going to be just this one and done.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next time you're presented with the same circumstances, you're going to immediately act differently. [SPEAKER_00]: Speaking from experience, it took me multiple tries and I think that's what makes life so beautiful and what makes us human and I think that adds to your character and the depthness or the depth of your personality and your character and who you are.
[SPEAKER_00]: And let yourself continue to evolve and grow and don't hate yourself for the decisions you made in the past. [SPEAKER_00]: The things you decide to do, say that people you decide to surround yourself with, old habits, current habits, don't hate yourself ever for that. [SPEAKER_00]: But choose to learn to do different if you want different. [SPEAKER_00]: If you like where you're at, sure, cool, keep it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you're, if you don't, and I'm assuming there's something, some part of you that wants change, if you clicked on to this episode, then I strongly encourage you to be super honest and blunt with yourself. [SPEAKER_00]: Try to look at your life and your decisions and those repeating patterns from the outside and as an outsider.
[SPEAKER_00]: and then decide how you were going to move forward and be honest with yourself when you fuck up again because you will fuck up and that's okay. [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean to completely give up. [SPEAKER_00]: You keep on going. [SPEAKER_00]: You keep putting one foot in front of the other. [SPEAKER_00]: You pick up your reano ice book. [SPEAKER_00]: She will teach you worlds of wisdom. [SPEAKER_00]: I love her so much. [SPEAKER_00]: You can follow her on Instagram.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think she has a few podcast episodes that I also listened to when I was going through it. [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm going to end this episode here. [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be batch recording episodes for when I'm in Cape Town. [SPEAKER_00]: If you have any Cape Town, George, Plattenberg, [SPEAKER_00]: Rex for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love him going with my family, going with my parents to visit my aunts and uncles and cousins there, and then my lovely boyfriend will be joining us halfway through which is super exciting. [SPEAKER_00]: He's never been. [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm excited to bring him. [SPEAKER_00]: But I love you guys so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure to, like, comment, share, post that you're listening to the pod on Instagram, TikTok, whatever it is, I love reading, your comments on Spotify, I love reading your views, that's how you can help support the pod. [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you have a lovely, lovely rest of your day, less of rest of your week, happy five years to us. [SPEAKER_00]: And enjoy this holiday season and happy Thanksgiving to all my Americans and anyone who is celebrating this week.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we'll chat soon. [SPEAKER_00]: Bye guys.