“Who Raised You?” | Work Bullies

They want some kind of like power. They want to feel better about themselves. They want to they're struggling with something. I watch a lot of Real housewives, Okay, ma, and all of this applies, all of it.

As you know.

The reason to read is screaming at Kyle is also because she's got a lot going on in our marriage.

More Better, More Better, More, a little more better, more and more.

Welcome to More Better, a podcast where we stop pretending to have it all together and embrace the journey of becoming.

A little more better every day, or at least trying to. That's most of the Marrow, and that's Stephanie Beatrice and here we are. Do you in the podcast again? Guys? Thanks for joining us again. Mel hoow are.

You welcome back? I'm great. I maybe have a cold.

Oh oh, is that why you're in your robe? It is why I'm in my robe.

I just felt really cold, and so I'm just going to be cozying up during this episode and hopefully my brain will work and I'll have interesting things to say, or at least not super boring things to say.

I really hope you don't have a cold or neurovirus which is going around.

You know that's going around, right.

It was going around at Christmas too, yea, And yeah, did you get it? No, but Axel did wake up one morning and puked water, and it was the day of our friend's wedding, and we just freaked out for like two hours.

We were like what do we do? Oh my god, Oh my god.

And then he was fine for the rest of the day. It was kind of random and crazy, but yeah, when you have kids, we didn't like super panic because we were like, well, we're either all going down or.

This is going to be sweating. Yeah. Yeah, So we ended up it all worked out.

But I didn't know that neurovirus was just yacking and pooping your brains out.

I had no idea.

And my my I got it, my sister got and my kid got it.

Oh no, And I don't know how. I was like, I don't know what did we eat? I don't know what we did.

I thought it was because I had gone to a Golden Globes party and had I'm not exaggerating thirteen diet cokes.

And I was like, I so diaco. It was a lot of diet coke, dude.

I thought I was going to fly through the roof like I was going to fly through the roof. I have never ingested that much caffeine in one sitting.

Wow, it well, I mean to be fair, I.

Was out like a long time and I didn't want to drink alcohol, so I was like, I'm gonna diet coke this bitch. And I was like, I've ruined my stomach forever. This is how my body's going to repay me. It's just gonna I'm just gonna poop my brains out. But it wasn't that. It wasn't the diet coke. I'm off of the diet coke now that I can't do it.

Yeah, good, But maybe maybe you picked it up at the party. It's I think I did contagious. Yeah, I hugging people.

And anyway, guys don't have kids, and if you have kids, congratulations on your bundles of joy.

I don't have kids. What a journey? What a journey parenting? We're just kidding. Have you done anything lately that's a little more better? How is that for a segue? It was good.

I you know, I've just been like sort of holding tight while La is kind of going through it right now, you know, trying to be supportive of everyone that's struggling in the ways that I can, and paying attention to what's happening in my community. It's kind of it.

Yeah, I think mine is probably similar the same, just trying to like stay present and stay active and check in with people and be of service when I can, ye if I can.

Yeah.

I think being of service is such a good thing to do when you're full of anxiety about a natural disaster or a man made disaster. It helps you channel your anxious energy. And even if that's like being of service to your family, like doing stuff for yourself, but particularly your community, of your community struggling with stuff, I think it's really helpful.

Yeah, I agree, Yeah, doing something about it, Yeah.

I haven't really we're not shooting right now.

You're about to start shooting again, but I'm not shooting anything right now, So I'm just kind of like puttering around my mouth a little bit, and uh, yeah, that's making me a little bit kind of grateful because I don't think I realize how tired I really. I've talked about this on the pod, but like, I don't think I really realized how tired I was from shooting Twisted metal and like probably the last three years I have

Yeah, sometimes your body and your brain doesn't let you feel it until you stop, until you slow down.

You know.

I think I said it before, but I think part of my cold, my possible cold, is that my brain knows I don't work for the next few days.

It's one hundred percent.

Your body's like, let's do this now, let's do it now, let's yeah bring her down.

Before we have to get in front of the camera. Yeaheah. Yeah.

Yeah, So I'm suspicious that that's what's happening to me.

But I also suspect that you got home and were like, Okay, I have a bunch of stuff that I have to do before I go back, and I've.

Got a blah blah blah.

Yeah, I have to spend time with my and then I have to do and then I have this, And I suspect that you got home and did that and your body's like new, new new.

Well, actually I get home tomorrow, not homee oh really yeah, okay, well maybe that's it, but yeah, I think, yeah, my body knows of going home, so it's like, bitch, you better lay down when you get there.

Nah.

More better.

So today on the pod, we're going to talk about well work stuff. Actually got another little listener voicemail isis do you want to play that for us so that we can hear the topic of today's pad.

Hi's Stephanie and Melissa. My name is Stacy in California. And something I want to be more better at is handling situations with people that are patronizing or expressing some barely like just to touch dominance over you. More often than not, these people are of the older white male variety, And I mean these situations that feel very casual, very normal. Then suddenly someone says something or does something red flagish

So yeah, I.

Wish I was more better at handling these fast, casual and sometimes demeaning situations.

Stay, oh, stay, oh my god, I feel you so hard. This is what in Bridge Jones. I think it's Bridge Jones one might be number two. But what Bridget calls jellyfishing, which is when someone comes by and said like like stings you like a jellyfish, Like you don't even know what's happened until it's already over.

Oh, and then it's like.

Oh you're now you're already stung, like you didn't see it coming and you just it was just some like shitty little thing that somebody said in passing.

And it's like no, now, ow you know, I.

So identify with the part about all the best comebacks coming to you five hours after the fact. Obviously obviously that is so human, uh stacy and just.

Oh girl, I feel you.

And it's almost like I'd rather deal with like outright aggression than like the small kind.

Do you know what I mean? Not me, but yes, I don't know what you mean, because.

I feel like someone that's just being like outwardly aggressively rude or something like I then like something snaps in me and I got no problems just like being like oh you want to go, oh you want to go, let's do this, Like but when it's small and it's like passive aggressive or it's just a little comment, I can freeze I can get like, uh, what what what?

It's just so unbelievable. Sometimes the shit people say, which is like what are you?

Are you for real?

You know, like you can't even believe that it came out of someone's mouth, much less is directed at you. So I think that's where the freeze comes from. Yeah, for me at least is a sort of like shock and awe that somebody just was not raised right. Somebody was not raised right. As the amazing Black community has said many a time, someone had no home training. Yeah.

Right. So I think like this is.

A really really cool, good question, because like, how do we get more better at this?

Especially in a work environment.

It is a professional environment, right, and work buoys can do stuff like you know what Stacy's talking about sounds like little crappy jellyfishy. Sometimes sometimes they can be called microaggressions, patronizing people that are older than you. Sometimes sometimes they can be I mean, it just doesn't matter, but I think sometimes with people that are a little bit older than you, they can be a bit patronizing, yes, or maybe like with people that are not people of color

They really are.

I know, yeah, I'm currently in a beautiful, supportive, very amazing work environment, much like we had on Brooklyn.

But yeah, I definitely when I was.

Younger, you know, I can remember a boss or a person of power when I was in my twenties.

That would always sort of like.

Just talk to me as if I was a child, and would you know, say nicknames like oh, Pumpkin or whatever.

And it bothered me so much, and.

He was a boss, and so I felt like I had no power, and I don't think I ever spoke up. And those moments stayed with me for so long, and I think I started to really pay attention to how other people, especially women, handled situations like that.

I'm thinking of a.

Time I saw you handle a moment brilliantly where someone was calling you by nicknames. It was like, sweetie, I feel like Pumpkin was one of them too, and you just turned around and so with like nothing but kindness in your voice, you said, oh, my name is Stephanie, and that was it. You just quickly corrected it, just oh no, oh, my name. That's my name is actually Stephanie on the.

Hilarious is you sing?

This is me being like calm and kind when inside my heart was like beating out of my chest.

I know it was, I know, but outwardly there was no aggression in your voice. You were just like, oh no, and it just like did he you say your name?

After that?

No?

He called me like oh that.

He was like okay, sweetie or something, and I was like, no, my name is Stephanie, and then he was kind of shell shocked. I think it was like, you know, just this is an older actor that we had on Brooklyn, and you know, to be fair, like maybe he just just used to We had a director at the time that like watched it all go down and was like, wow, that was like watching old Hollywood and New.

Hollywood come to blows.

But it really was like, so, you know, this is probably a guy that, like, I mean, does he even like bother to.

Remember names of young women.

I'm not sure. Maybe he has a really bad memory. I wish I would have known that, you know, that would have been great to know. Yeah, I can't remember anyone's names, so I'm probably gonna just call you like pet names. Is that okay, that would have been nice, right right, But more more than likely he was just a real fucking piece of shit.

I think I was probably that yeah, or better. But I think, you know, I think that's that that part two that you said that he was sort of shell shocked.

I think almost all of the.

Time, Uh, these people that say these little things, they're expecting you to not say anything.

Right.

It's like every time when I lived in New York that I got street harassed. Every time I was you know, I had the balls to turn around and go no, no, thank you, please don't talk to me that way. I'm not interested. They would go into shock, like, they wouldn't yell anything back, they wouldn't keep engaging. They would just be in shock because no one ever talks back. No one ever stands up, you know, it says no.

You know.

So I find that sometimes that helps me to kind of empower myself to say something. Is like they're counting on me to not say anything.

Most of the time, people, most of they are counting on you not not being able to stand your ground or sort of say you know. I think the hard thing about a work environment versus like personal environment is that you do have to keep it fresh, right, Like you can't yell back like you you kiss your.

Mother with that mouth, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, but rays do, right.

But I do think like the element of kindness is really important. I mean, even if it's fake. That's why killed them with kindness, Like, even if it's fake, even if you have to force yourself to be nice while you say, I don't know if you know that that.

Was a little bit rude or I.

Don't even know, because like sometimes when sometimes when you say that to someone, they immediately get on the defense and go, I didn't mean that to be rude.

I don't know why you're taking it that way, right right, gaslight you.

So maybe avoiding saying like that was rude, I would say, one of the things that I would say is like, if they're being condescending about your work, for example, like your specific type of work, ask yourself why you feel like you need their approval, you know what I mean? Because like I don't care what another actor thinks about me, right most of the time, unless I really really respect them as an actor. And then if they're shitty to me,

That, right I.

When I like an actor and when they're a good person and they're maybe somewhat critical about my work or maybe they have notes to give me and they're my boss, I'm thinking of like Andy, right, Like that's somebody who I really respect his opinion and and if if he says, if he were to say something condescending to me, and it'd be very rare, right, like that would never happen.

You know?

Why did that hit me hard? Well, that's because that's my friend and I want their approval. I want them I'm always constantly nailing it right and like maybe the thing that they said made me feel Am I.

Not nailing it in this moment?

You know?

Yeah?

And so like that's something to ask yourself, is like why do you why why do you Stacy? Like when you're thinking about these pussies, I think she mentioned that they're a little bit older than her. When you're thinking about them at work, it's like maybe dig down a little bit and go like, maybe that feels condescending because like I actually really admire what that person does, and I want them to really look at my work and think it's good, you know.

Yeah, And staying on this hypothetical, let's say, what do you think about if let's stay on like the andy hypothetical again, listener would never happen, but if you know, he made a joke that that was maybe around a note about your work and felt hurtful. Yeah, you know, what do you think about just being just saying something like.

Well, wait, wait, wait what did you mean by that?

Like just call like just asking that's okay, question in a non aggressive way of just like oh wait, wait, can you elaborate like what do you mean by that? Like you know, like getting to like what's the what's the note, what's actually their note?

What's underneath there?

You know?

And so I wonder if that could be a useful question of just almost like playing dumb, you know, like I think you just said something shitty to me, but I'm gonna give you a chance to explain it further, right, you know, like I.

Think that's an okay thing to say. Actually exactly what you just said is okay depending on the relationship, right, you know, like, yeah.

I want that really song? What exactly did you mean by that?

Right?

Yeah?

That's maybe more of a corporate dy kind of way to say that, right, Yeah, a little bit more purpsh.

Yeah.

I think there's a couple of things at play, like who else is around? Right, Like who else is with you in the work environment. If you're surrounded by crew, that might not be the right time. Like if you're if you're in a meetating, that might not be the right time to address it. Or it might be if you feel brave, it might be like hold on, can we.

Just take a beat? Did you?

Can you further elaborate on that, because I'm trying to understand what you're meaning to say. Yea, and again, like I'm like pretending like I'm I'm on suits right now, Like I'm regarding that, like I know what corporate speak is, and you would have to check with your work environment and see what's like copaesthetic there.

But I think keeping trying to keep things.

Like above board is really important in these situations because these people aren't your friends. There are people that have been hired to work in the same environment as you, right, And so you can choose. You can choose to say, like and know. The thing that's hard is like, you're already uncomfortable, So do you want to take it to the next level and go like, I'm gonna make this.

More uncomfortable by pointing out that you have said something weird? Yeah?

Or am I going to What I often do is like use humor to deflect, where like, you know, in this hypothetical, I might be like, whoa okay, you know, like I might, I might turn it around and be like I might just leave it there, which you know, in that instance might be something like I've turned it around and made it about you, your whatever insecurity or thing that made you say that in front of everybody.

Now I'm gonna be like, whoa, wow, I didn't know it was a big deal.

Or what you know whatever saying shuts yeah right, something silly yeah. You know. It depends on how you want to handle it, right, and it also depends on how often this is happening, because like, if it's one time with someone that you that you've had a friendly relationship with at work. That's different than if it's like a constant and it sounds like Stacey, it's like this happens quite a bit. Yeah, so that might be the time when and you know you, I mean, I think one of the things.

We're going to talk about in a little while.

Some of our the research that isis did for us, and some of it is like surviving at work with

Yeah, you know, I was.

I'm concerned because I want the work environment to be a good environment and I just wanted there to be record of it.

And you know, and but know that there's going to there might be followed through at the end of that.

Like this is a thing like anytime if somebody says something shitty to you, right and you choose to stand up and say you can't talk to me that way, there's always gonna be pushed back because the person that's saying the shitty thing.

Wants something.

They want some kind of like power, They want to feel better about themselves, they want to they're struggling with something. They watch a lot of Real housewives. Okay, and now all of this supplies, all of it applies. You know, the reason to read is screaming at Kyle is also because she's got a lot going on in our marriage.

More letter.

You know, like there's a lot happening on different levels that you might not realize, right, Like, that's the thing that I said earlier, which was like, I don't think it excuses the behavior, but sometimes it can.

Explain the behavior, right Like, yeah, and I think that that can be really useful. I would add that, you know, also, if there are trusted co workers at your job, sometimes it can be useful to just sort of check in with someone else to see if they're noticing some of these behaviors, if they're feeling uncomfortable. You know, obviously this

You want to be best?

I'm pretty sure that was in your dressing room when you get back upstairs.

I'm pretty sure that was actually me.

So uh yeah, I see what you're doing, but it can you know. I just sort of checked in with a couple other actors and one was like, oh yeah, and then we sort of kind of together just tried to phish more information about this person and pieced together that this was insecurities, you know, in overdrive, like working too hard to maybe impress people or alpha people or something.

But it was coming from a broken place, you know. And I so this person was a broken shell of a human is a little bit. And I found that humor worked with this person.

If I if I made them laugh, they just kind of loosened up a little bit and relaxed. And so then I passed that along to people, so and then it ended up being fine and everyone we all liked each other and it all was good, you know, and but it was like a bumpy start and then you know, just through like some shared information with each other, Oh well, you know they said this, or I learned this about their history or you know, and we just kind of like pieced it together and we're like, oh, this is

And like, yeah, little ways to kind of do that. It stopped, Like it totally stopped. You know.

It's interesting and at the same time, by joking with that person too a little bit of what we were saying before.

Like oh zing, like you know, kind of throwing some of those in there.

It also, inadvertently I didn't even mean to do, it, established a little bit of a boundary of like, if you say some shit, I'm gonna.

Call you out.

I'm gonna call you out on it, right, Like you know, if you say something weird, I'm gonna be like what, like you know, I'm gonna do it in a joking, non threatening way, right, But like you know, and I felt like this person got a little bit more conscious of the things that were coming out of their mouth that work.

That's very that's cool.

I like, yeah, so I think if you have trusted co workers Stacey, you know, and also, like we were saying before, if this thing happens in a meeting, if you have a trusted person with you, sometimes that also helps you have the bravery encouraged to be like, you know what, because you told that person I think I'm gonna say something next time, right, right, they say something.

Weird, right, and then you kind of know.

Even if that person doesn't get involved, they're not obligated to do anything, but just knowing they have your back, right, I think helps at least me feel braver to be like to say something you know or do something in the moment.

Would argue yeah, opposite of like, Okay, I don't trust nobody at work.

I mean meaning like, I love people.

I love the people that I work with, but it does take me a while to establish like trust, especially because probably because in my personal life I've been burned by really close friends and I just don't ever want to. I always think to myself, whatever conversations I'm having at work, I pretend in my mind, like what if this was being recorded? Like what if this was being recorded right now? Would I be okay with whoever I'm talking about hearing what I'm saying?

That's always And if.

The answer is no, I would not, Or if I wouldn't be okay with them reading something that I'm texting, then I'm not doing it because I don't want what I What I don't want is to have, you know, a build up of emotions about something and then I'm texting somebody about like you know this person was today or like whatever, whatever feelings that I have about it. It's like it's it part of being to me, part of being a grown up is like starting to.

For me, part of what I part of.

My journeys as a grown up as and as an artist, like I think is how do I deal with with with these things for me?

How do I deal with them for me?

And and that's going to be different for everybody, right, Like, and that's part of what Stacey's asking is, like how do I deal with this for me? And one of the things that I I would say, is like continue to look at this person as like their own entity and like what's going on with them, like maybe they are just shitty, Like that is totally a possibility, and.

It has nothing to do with you. They're just shitty, nothing to do with you.

And and then also I was thinking about this because I had I remember something happened to me at work. I like, somebody was trying to figure out a joke and they didn't understand a joke.

And this was like early on in my career.

Someone was trying to, like in a rehearsal or something, and someone was trying to figure out a joke and I yelled out from like the sideline, Oh, it's this right, And that particular person had a really difficult time with feedback from other people. And I just know that, you know, and like they snapped at me, and I took that

And sometimes like.

It's not immediate, it's not like it can be like, oh, I'm so above it all and like.

I'm it bothers me.

But then I have to process it. I gotta process that shit. I gotta look at them and go, is there a way to get to know them though a little bit better and like know a little bit more about them. I mean, maybe it's an older person that's at the same level in the job as you, and they've been working there for twenty years and you suddenly got there and you're doing the same or better work, and maybe they're just having a really hard time dealing with it. Maybe they're older and don't know how to

Mmmmmm, maybe it was you. I can't remember.

Was this something David said to you once, like ask that person out to lunch?

No, I don't think so.

But I do find that I with people that I am like kind of having a difficult time with that is kind of might go to is like let me try to be like friends with them, like let me try to get see and see what's what's going on or what's going on right? Yeah, and what might be going on is they're like shitty and ageist and fucking

Guys, it always comes back to Real Housewives on this show, Stacy, I hope that was like kind of helpful.

I feel like it was helpful for me. It was helpful for me.

It's a trick. It's a really tricky thing, especially at work. Like I definitely think it's an easier thing to deal with in your personal life, for your community or your neighborhood or but at work it's it's tricky because, yeah, you got to keep it professhed. I think, lean lean on kindness, lean on empathy, do some investigating into this person and their motives, perhaps keep a record.

More better.

I actually think that I didn't when we started this, I was like, oh, my God, I don't know, but I actually think we do know quite a bit about this, Like we each.

Have really definitely no more than I thought I did.

Yeah, yeah, we each have a lot of tools to deal with this. It's almost like we've dealt with it before. God, our pain in this arena.

Let it be your Let us be the sounding board for you.

Yeac.

The stuff that we've gone through has helped can help you in some kind of way, because like we've each dealt with it differently. But I think like all the ways we're talking about our healthy ways to deal with it as opposed to like modeling it up and just blowing up one day it works, Yeah, don't do that, Like whoa, yeah, don't do that.

Don't do that crazy. Yeah. Stephanie is on one. You know you don't want that. You don't want that.

You want to deal with it a little bit at a time so that it doesn't explode in your face.

Yes, yes, and often too.

I would just I would also add lastly, like I think after the first time you you do say something or you establish a boundary what you know, however big or small it is, you will gain so much power and confidence from that that it will just solutely keep getting easier. After that, I was scared to that day that I.

Said, actually, I didn't know you were.

My heart was beating so loud in my ears. I thought I was gonna like, you know, I just I couldn't believe it was even.

Coming out of my mouth.

But now when I think back to that, it's like, well, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today if I hadn't risk in that moment and said that, you know, like, I just wouldn't be because I took a chance and like believed in myself and said something about it and nipped it in the bud.

I'm pretty sure I cried hysterically the first time I like stood up to someone for verbally for the first time week it's really and then yeah, and now it's uh, you know, so much easier because now it's just a withering look you guys, Now it's just a raised eyebrow and death stack.

Excuse me, come again? Could you repeat that? Please?

Think?

Or says what? Okay? Sorry, all right, I feel a little more better. Do you feel a little more better?

I feel a lot more better. Good Stacy, We hope you feel a little more better. And keep hitting us up with the dms. You guys, and send us your voice notes and send us your questions, and we're here for you.

See you next time, See you next time. Bye.

Do you have something you'd like to be more better at that you want us to talk about in a future episode.

Can you relate to our struggles or have you tried one of our tips and tricks?

Shoot us your thoughts and ideas at Morebetter pod at gmail dot com and include a voice note if you want to be featured on the pod. More Better with Stephanie Melissa is a production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mike Utura podcast network, hosted by me, Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Kumera.

More Better is.

Produced by Isis Madrid and Sophie Spencer Zebos. Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Klem at Wvsound. This episode was edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and features original music by Madison Devenport and Heylo boy. Our cover art is by Vincent Remis and photography by David Avalos. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the Iheartrate you app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you.

Listen to your favorite shows.

See you next week, Saga, Bye

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