“Patches Is the Dream Horse” | Listener Extravaganza Two Part Finale Bonanza

Na, I can't remember what the fuck I said.

I don't recall me neither, but I'm glad it helped, because really, this is a podcast is like a stream of consciousness, like it's just word vomit.

Yeah, more better.

Or a little more better, Welcome to more Better. A podcast where we stop pretending to have it all together in a bracest journey of becoming a little more better every day, or at least trying to.

That's Stephanie Beatrice, and that's Melissa Fumero. And this is a podcast that you're listening to in your car or maybe at your home. Perhaps you're trying to go to sleep, and we've absolutely ruined over you.

Yeah we have.

Are your friend. I'm pretty I'm bringing eh Yeah listen.

Yeah, you know, there's one episode left of White Lotus at this point.

I've heard it's ninety minutes long. Oh gosh.

The government's in a real turmoil, I'd say, is a polite way to say it.

I'm keeping it together, how about you? Yeah, man, Yeah, pretty much the same. The world is on fire. Yeah, I'm packing up my apartment in Atlanta going home this weekend. So that is keeping me afloat and ativated. Although I fucking hate packing.

Why do you?

Now, why do you hate packing when you're leaving? Because that, to me is the best part. I just get overwhelmed with packing.

Okay, I mean this is an easier form of packing because I don't have to decide what to put in bags.

You just take everything bags.

Yeah, either it goes in the trash or it goes in the bags, yeah, or donated.

Yes, yeah, So it just feels like a lot.

I'm just I can't believe how much stuff I've accumulated over five months. Yeah yeah, yeah, okay, and uh okay, so I think I'm maybe judging myself or how you accumulated.

To you, that's the worst part for you.

Is like what's wrong with me? Why did I get all these things? And it's like because you were there for five months. People, if everybody in the world had to see what they accumulated in the last five months, like just delineated into like a marked out, taped out box and their living room floor, everybody would be shocked.

Everybody.

Now, Yeah, like I'm judging myself for like the spices I bought that I didn't end up using because I bought now cook more nobody. I cooked like three times the whole time I was here.

Yeah, you either you give them to someone. I mean half of your crew probably lives there, right.

Yeah. I gave a huge bag of like kids necks to Matthew Davis on my show because he has two little kids.

See.

Yeah, so there, and I found there's a food bank down the road. I'm going to bring a bunch of stuff to tomorrow.

You're paying a fea baby, I know. I know.

It's just like, I have two days to do all of this. Well, then sometimes it's going to get Listen. Also, sometimes you're gonna throw an or you know what I mean.

Like sometimes you just yeah, it has to go in the trahood, in the fridge and freezer that is just going to go in the trash and it kills me.

But I know that's a hard one. I know that somebody.

The last job I did, one of our riding staff was looking at places, like a week before everybody got there, and he was looking at places to rent. And while he was looking at one of them, he decided not to go with it, I think. But while he was looking at one, the realtor was like, Oh, don't worry about the fridge. The last person that was here was an actor and he just left yesterday. He opens the fridge.

He's with her.

He opens the fridge and it's just like from the bottom of the fridge to the top, it's just like juices, all.

These amazing juices. Oh my god.

She was like, he couldn't take them with you. Feel free to take one when you leave.

She left. He put as many as he could carry in his bag, like, I was like, good for you. They would have gone to waste. So I was gonna drink those. Like the people that come and look at the apartment, they're gonna throw.

Them away once someone decides to get the apartment or whatever, you know, take twelve or whatever, go for it.

An actor's refrigerator full top to bottom of juice.

I think he had like a lot of He had a lot of shirtless scenes, this guy. So, guys, this is this is that you guys. You know we're on a tangent. We're gonna bring it back. Let's put it back anyway. That's part of why you like this though. I feel like.

More Better.

Today's episode's very special Season one of More Better is coming.

To the close.

We are I don't know I've liked doing it. I mean, I think it's been very fun. Melissa, I agree.

I agree, it's been very very fun, and and we're gonna celebrate by dedicating the last two episodes to you listeners. Thank you so much for listening to friends out there, give your emails, your reviews, your community on Instagram and TikTok.

That's been you. We love you. It's been awesome. Yeah.

So today is the listener mail Bag Extravaganza Banza. If it was a ball, you would be dressed head to toe in your letters.

We're gonna answer some questions. We're gonna read some emails and.

Dms et cetera, et cetera, etcetera.

Shall we shall we die? We have?

We have a lot of replies and voice notes and fun stuff to get through. Okay, this first one I'm excited about this. Okay, this first one is from our Spring cleaning episode. It is Okay, we have a thank you email and we have a couple comment and a comment and like a question.

Okay, So hi more better team.

Just want to say thank you for this episode and what Stephanie said about how she didn't grow up having money and as a result, she knows it's hard to get rid of things that you've spent good money on. That hit me so hard, and I had a revelation because I didn't realize.

That that's my own problem. Oh gotta remember it's okay.

So I really hope they didn't think this episode was just them bullshitting around.

We always do. We always think that because it helped me at least. Thank you for all that you do, Amanda. That's very cool. And then there was.

Quite the fiery debate over the you guessed it drunk junk drawer, the drunk it should be?

It does? It looks like a drunk organized it. So we have a couple.

Abby said, as a really organized person, a junk drawer is necessary a la Monica Geller to show people you are not actually crazy and sometimes you don't want to get rid of things but they are uncate, categorizable.

Okay, Abby, I don't know if you knew this, but Monica Geller's fake person. She's not real. She's on a TV show. Somebody wrote her. It's not real, babe, it's not real.

Stephanie.

Stephanie a Beatrice representation matters, okay, and she represents organized people.

And she has a valid point. But I also I.

Love that Abby was like, oh, you need the juncture to show other people that you're not crazy. Because what Abby wants, deep down in her heart is to not have the junk drawer. She wants to organize her junk drawer and gosh dark, but she realized, Abby, you should live your truth and absolutely have an organized junk drawer. You can have an organized junk drawer. Meanwhile, it's still a junk drawer.

The whole debate was about whether or not you have a junk drawer.

Okay, I wish I could pull this strawer out right now because there's a lot of junk in this strawer.

But it's organized. Duh, I don't.

I don't begrudge, but there's a lot of dundellaneous things that are in there. Are there, not, Stephanie, There are a lot of things, miscellaneous things that are not related to each other.

No in that drawer, aren't there?

No?

No? Okay, no, no, no. I'm going to take a picture of this and I'm not even going to clean it up. I'm going to take a picture so that we can put it on our Instagram and you guys can see the drunk drawer because no.

Okay, Well, Josh would like to know Joshi from TikTok would like to know where you keep your batteries and your twist ties?

Motherfuckers. I keep them organized, okay, Josh. The batteries have a place. Everything has a home, is okay? Okay? Where does that bin go?

It lives in the cabinet in the office. It lives on the second shelf in the cabinet. Because where do you put your twist ties? Where do you put your rubber bands? Why do you have twist ties? What do you need a twist tie for? Melissa?

I have children?

What where do you keep your little clippies for the bags?

What are you talking about?

Like?

What are you talking about? Open a bag of tortilla chips? Because your you have a clip for the okay, fine clip? Okay, we have chip clips, and we have rubber bands.

We use rubber bands mostly like we save all the rubber bands from produce and stuff in the grocery store.

And I don't ever pick up a rubber band off of any and no, why would I need a rubber band?

I don't need the right for closing bags? No, and and not in this house. Not in this house. I reject you. I reject it.

I reject it.

I'm also trying to reject every every twist tie or rubber band that I'm coming in, trying to be sustainable, use a recycle. I don't know when the last time is that I actually bought something that had a twist tie on it.

Maybe bread. I guess bread has twist ties on it.

But like, yeah, you can just excuse me, but you just stripped the twist tie of the paper. Throw the paper part away because it's usually died, and then stick the little thing in your recycling the metal part anyway.

Question number two fave place.

Hi.

I'm Clara from France.

First of all, I'd love to thank you for this amazing podcast, but especially for being such beautiful people. That's really sweet. Every episode is a little dose of happiness, and you too have created a safe space for everyone who had a bad day.

Thank you.

That is truly what we wanted to do, so that's really nice to hear. Clara, Thank you for the laughs, all your advice. My question for you, is there a place on earth that makes you feel better, a place that tastes like home or maybe a trip that changed your life forever. Mmmm, and then she said episode that's really cute.

What about you?

I always feel great when I am at the beach. It doesn't matter what beach. I love a day at the beach. I feel relaxed, I feel I just feel so good. I like that whole woo woo thing of like letting your feet touch wet sand and it like have you heard that before? It like takes out all the negative things in your body, Like I do feel. I feel that and I believe it. Yeah, it's it's my happy place. I don't know, I grew up going to the beach. Maybe it's you know, ancestral DNA. Maybe yeah,

It's really is my happy place. What about you? That's beautiful. I think there were two.

I mean, I really love Paris. I love Paris. I think it's really special and beautiful. I don't know that I've.

Had a trip there that has felt like.

There's always been something about the trips that I take there, something funky. So I don't know if it's like I need to go back, or if I need to free myself from expectations of Paris.

But I do love Paris very much.

I think I've been really I built it up in my mind for so long when I was a kid. It was this like amazing, magical place. And then the first time that I ever went there, I was in my you know, thirties already, and I just was like overwhelmed by it. You know, I don't think it's a city that you can explore like that.

Our trip was that was your first time, right, yeah trip, Yeah, that was my first time.

It was really special and like, but the the thing about Paris is that it always makes me look at my life like it always makes me like I was dating somebody that didn't want to go at the time, and I had to convince them to journey with all of us to Paris, and it was like what the pick? And then the second time I went, I went with a friend who really just wasn't a great traveling partner.

Right, But since Ros is a little older, I do have a great Paris tip that I got from another mom that I wanted to do with my boys at some point, but now they've outgrown.

Like the playground.

Yeah, so this mom went to Paris and every day they picked a different playground to go to, and then they just kind of centered their day around that, right and went to stuff around it. And she said they explored the whole city and every day it was a different playground. So it was like exciting for her kid. And she also like wore out some you know energy, And I thought that was such a cool, fun way to do a city with a small kid.

Yes, that's really smart. I think we Ross was still napping, so we know.

She was like itty bitty, like, I mean, now if you went back, like if you went back at some point in the next few years, like you still have like probably yeah, if we I mean we're I go.

Back, I'm not going to take my kid, you know what I was playing that you just want to go and have like a romantic experience of it. Pars for love of.

Yes, okay, next question, I yeah, so I really love pears uh okay. So this next one is from the Style episode with our very own Ril Tunnel, who we adore and love. She is both of our stylists. This comes from Celeste. She said absolutely loved this episode. Ariel's advice about shopping was so helpful and I literally felt more better in my dress in my last dressing room too all sizes and when something didn't fit I like I had hoped, I totally thought, well, too bad for that dress.

Great advice, Thank you. Yes, we love that.

I also thought of that episode recently because I went through some thrift stores here in Atlanta. In there's some really cute thrift stores in the Old Fourth Ward for those of you visiting Atlanta. And I also thought of that episode because obviously thrifting and vintage, the sizes are crazy crazy, They're all over the place. Oh and I just took all different sizes and kind of eyeballed and

I think it was just the fit.

Really, it was like slightly different on all of the pants, you know, it's just like lightly different.

Yeah, I don't know, it's it's it's they're great and they're soft, and like, yes, yeah, and they're real. De just didn't And then there were some things I took in the same size that like did not zip at all, Like they were just so so small.

And I was like, well, to bad for those pants.

Yeah, too bad for those Oh that's great. I'm so glad that uh she felt that way. IG is also demanding to see your pink pants from that episode.

I did post them on my stories, so we'll try to uh in the post. I don't know, maybe we can highlight them on the more better pod. I'll try to find the story or something, but I did do it. I just paired them with like a simple little black tank top I think cute, and I think I did. I don't even remember if I did heels or like sneakers and they looked were they like kind of long or something? They were kind of long, so maybe it was heels.

Do you still own them? Did you get rid of them?

No?

I still have them, but I do plan to get them tailored for sneakers because I feel like they look cute with like white sneakers, nice, nice, and they need to be a little shorter, like I don't want to have to wear a heel every time.

Yeah, I just tailored, like I think. I paid like forty bucks for three T shirts. But I took them to the dry cleaner and I was like, they because they're like, you know, they fit everywhere else, but they're like so long that they're hitting the whitest part of my hips. And then they like, I don't want to wear them, so I took a T shirt shorter. Yeah, I took a T shirt that fits me great and

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. No, they have like a finish tim Yeah.

Yeah, because are we leaving our T shirts out or are we tucking in?

What do I think?

It depends on the T shirt and the pair of pants and also the belts. Okay, we can have this discussion if you want. Y.

Yeah, if we're we're tucking in, we're using a belt.

Usually we're using a belt or like a pant that lays like really flat. Because what I really to test for myself is like you know, when you have so now it's a fashion podcast.

You know when you like when.

You sit with a tucked T shirt in or a tuck tucked T shirt especially, and then the waistband of your pants starts to wrinkle up. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Like the actual band of fabric, it like starts to wrinkle and then it just looks bad.

Like to me, it looks bad on me. I don't care why other people wear what I wear.

Whatever you want, but like that's a lot of times we're all why I'll stick on a belt because I'm like, oh, well, I want to tuck this shirt in, but I also don't want to look at my wrinkled waistband.

Tips tips, we got them tips tips.

Or the work life balance episode got a reply from Amanda on Instagram.

Oh, she's the one who sent in. She's the one that sent in the voice note.

She needed help with like balancing and balancing all the things she said the way I was shaking all capital letters when I saw this episode drop.

She put the.

Capital letters, not me. I was the one who sent the voice message. Thank you for talking about this, y'all made me feel a lot better. I'm gonna keep this episode on repeat. Such good nuggets of wisdom here, Bitch, I can't remember what the fuck I said.

I'm glad it helped, because really, this is a podcast, is like a stream of consciousness, like it's just word vomit.

And then we tried you.

I feel like I did re listen to that episode and thought to myself, bitch, you should do more of this.

I'm practice what you catch.

These are great tips and you don't always follow them.

That's real, that's real. Okay, do you want to read this next one.

Next one is oh pep talk question email from Julie. Hi, Melissa and Stephanie. My name is Julie and I live in Northern Ontario, Canada. I am emailing because I am Canada.

What's so Canada? We still love you even though our government doesn't, but we do.

Sorry fifty one, Yeah, sorry, I am emailing because I'm sitting at home with a concussion right now. Oh, and your podcast is so entertaining and I'm so glad you made it because I can't watch Brooklyn nine nine or any screens for another week. Last week, I was singing at a red light on my way to work and someone drove right into the back of my car. Now I have whiplash and a concussion. I was wondering if you guys could talk about how you deal with it when bad shit just happens to you and there is

Fuck, I have to do the surgery.

Oh my gosh.

So then it's a pretty intense surgery and you're basically like like put out for like six weeks. I had to wear a brace from like my hip all the way down to my ankle. Your whole leg shuts down, so like getting in and out of the I needed help getting in and out of the shower or bath.

It was scary. It was really hard.

So I my heart goes out to Julie because it is the hardest thing.

I think the fact that you are listening to podcasts is like you're you know you are.

You just have to like kind of make the best of it. This is a great time to tell your friends, Hey, I'm like laid out. If you have any time, like come visit me for an hour and like, you know, it's like you got to break up your day when you can't like move around and so you know, uh, once you get through your week of no screens, definitely take you know, the opportunity to pick, you know, catch up on some shows and movies, read a book. I don't know how book is with you know, but it's

Make sure you do go to physical therapy.

Uh.

I remember when I went through my knee surgery. My husband was so annoying about the importance of physical therapy and he was like, you have to do your exercise every day. And there was like this machine that would like bend my leg and he was like, come on, five more minutes, Like he was like a little like a personal trainer.

And I was like, you're so annoying. I want to punch you in the face.

But he was right, per usual it's really you. You can't drop the ball on physical therapy, like you have to do all the things, and you know, make sure you do them when you're at home too. Just don't just do them when you're at your sessions right right, and know that this is temporary and this too shall pass and you're just in the like worst part of it. Yeah, yeah, but it happens.

It sucks, and like it sucks. It's okay to acknowledge that it sucks, and it's okay to have like a good cry about it.

I mean, and yes, obviously we're talking about there's like a there's a big scale of bad shit, and yeah, this is in the grand scheme on the low end of yeah, bad shit. A concussion is scary for sure, and whiplash is really painful, but you will make it through it. It's gonna be okay. It's only a week.

Yeah.

Also, you know, like a little digital detox for a week isn't bad. People fucking pay a lot of money to go do that shit. Put their things in a little zippered bag, a La White lotus, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, you it's gonna be okay, Julie, Okay, You're gonna make it, Julie. This is from our self care episode. Kristen wrote in, so this is very cute. I just listened to the episode on self care and at the end of it said to email in what we do for self care? So I wanted to share.

Oh dreamy.

When I ride these horses, you are both just in tune to each other and balanced together. It's this amazing feeling that lasts for the rest of the day.

Wow.

One more thing I'm doing is me and my best year going on a trip just us to Disney for Halloween.

Cute.

We're going to be care free and go to the Halloween party and dress up and trick or treat and no spouse's husbands, kids or pets involved. And on my commute to work, I just love to blast my music and saying because I sound like Celine Dion in my car alone. Yes, yeah, any time to be compress before work and after work. I greatly enjoy listening to the podcast and can't wait for more. Just for fun, I added a picture of me.

And my horse Patches.

Her horse Patches Patches.

Horseback riding sounds like I'm very, very invested in the idea of doing this myself this year. I really want to take horseback writing lessons.

I just I've always.

Wanted to do it. I'm I don't know how to go about it and do it. I really want to.

You can.

You can go to the Equestrian Center and Burbank. Oh that's such a drive though for me, I need something, Oh my.

God, I know it's not it's whole, it's four.

I need something easty. I need something more easty. I'm sure, but I do want to do easty. I do want to do it. That's so cool, that's a really I also really love that she does all these things for herself while maintaining such an intense work schedule, so she can find the time.

And so can you, Yes, dear listeners, so can you?

So can you I also love the girls trip. I just had two childhood buddies visit me in Atlanta and we had a girl's weekend and it was so restorative for everyone involved, Like that's amazing, no kids, no husbands, just as girls.

Like it was so fun. And we did a spa day. It was great.

It was great, and I was like we were all saying, like, Oh, we have to make this happen like more often, not just you know, every five years.

Oh my god, that's so nice. I did.

I don't.

I haven't done one of those in a really long time. But I did go to the mall in Arcadia with one of my girlfriends. No kids, no husbands, nobody but us. That mall, girl, I tell you what, that is the best mall I have ever been to India a life.

It is fantastic.

It is it's like Korean skin care, just like delicious food. Luxury shopping. But then there's also like not luxury shopping. I mean I did not luxury shop. I was like looking for those deals. I had a great there's a dairy queen slash Orange Julius. I was in heaven. I could have stayed there all back. Yeah, Okay, I get it was fantastic. Next, also, I'll go in a girl's trip with you. Oh, that would be fun. That'd be really great for not work.

We've only ever done them.

For not work, for work where we're where we're not doing a panel, I'll do a girls trip with you, or we're not because we've actually been on so many girls trips, so many, but.

They're always like a panel, yeah or yeah, work related. There's a picture Patches attached to the email. Let me just see here. Oh my god, this is the dream horse.

This is the dream really looking at the camera. He's a modeling. He's a super modeling. He is Oh my god, it's a supermodel. This is rude. I love this horse.

Okay, all right, all right, I guess I need to learn how to ride horses.

Okay? Do I love that idea for you? Don't put that sign in there?

Why am I telling everybody to edit everything out this episode?

Don't edit it out?

That's real, my sigh of despair and delight over this horse. Patches, who I'll probably never meet, who have calls him my soul.

Okay, next question, Next.

Question is that's in life listener Emma email?

Okay, Oh, it's a voice note.

Hi, Stephanie and Melissa. First of all, I adore your podcast. It makes my day so much brighter. When I listened to it, I was just wondering, what's your take on pets. I recently got two more cats and I had to bottle feed them, so I was waking up every two hours, and that's when I primarily listened to your podcast. So their names are Beatrice and for Marrow. But I was just wondering how you deal with your pets and your busy lives. So, yeah, how a great day?

Buye that was so cute? Like good she loved her cat. You can't believe me, do so cut? Okay, Emma, that's really sweet.

I have a dog.

His name is Guda. He is so sweet and a real pain in the ass. He he was really used to being the only little little creature and then Roz came along, My child came along, and he was not having it. He is much more resigned to the fact that there is a child here now, I would say, but he's not. He's still like very uncomfortable around her, Like he doesn't really like he'll sit still for pets. Sometimes if Brad and I make a big deal over something Roz is doing.

Guda will get in the mix and try to like he gets really jealous. He's my god. He's yes, he's very god.

So I the way that I make time for him is like I really try early in the morning to walk him by myself or spend time. If I don't have enough time to walk him that morning, I spend time with him by myself, like if I'm answering emails or something like he's sitting on my lap and I'm petting him, like just me and him, you know. And the other thing is like sometimes I feel like with older dogs they can.

Become a part of the furniture a.

Little bit because they're just laying around a lot of the time because it's.

Uncomfortable for them to move.

He's not that old, but I try to pet him every time that I pass by, like or I try to acknowledge him every time that I pass by, like I see you, buddy, you're being a good boy, or whatever, you know, because like with my last dog, who I adufted when he was an old old man, you just don't know how much time you have with the older ones. And like period, honestly, like with animals, like they can't tell you when shit is fucked up. You don't know

Yeah, and I've I've I've found with pets it's a little bit like kids where it's like quality over quantity, you know, like if.

I also, I also have a dog. She's a big dog.

She's two years old, so still like a little bit puppyish sometimes, so she requires, like, you know, she has to be walked, and she has to like get her energy out every day, which we're pretty good about doing.

That seems to be Oh my god, I just the little cat picture just of her cat just popped up on our.

Outline and it's a little baby black kitten and it's so cute, so tiny.

Oh all her cats are black.

Oh my god, kids, these kins are freaking cute.

Broh.

Yeah, and then you had to bottle feet. I mean that's like having a newborn man. Like you just got to get through it. You gotta do the bare minimum, uh, until they get a little bigger.

And then yeah, like if you get.

Really busy and you feel like you, you know, just get out some toys, set a timer, like whatever time you have and.

Then do that.

I feel like cats at least, you know, you don't have to walk them. You'll have to take them outside. So but yeah, it's it is tough.

Oh my god, they're so cute. They're really cute. This is rude.

We're gonna post this picture of the cat trying to figure out how to eat out of a bowl because it's so funny.

Oh, it's got Lottle.

And then at least for me, like having having a dog is like before we got the dog, I was like, okay, uh, we have to know who's gonna take care of the dog when we have to go out of town or you know, and so like we made sure to have those things in place too.

The responsibilities are big, I think big.

I forget that I ever tell you one time this is tea, but one time I was at a job and I overheard someone. I overheard someone talking about how while they were just gonna have to give the dog back to the shelter because it just was not listening and this and that or whatever, and like I was sitting there and like, listen, sometimes you do have to rehome pets, like if you've really really tried all the things.

But I do, I really.

Strongly believe that, like there's not a world in which I would have rehomed Gouda unless he like he hurt ras, you know, like and even if he accidentally hurt her or she got in his space and like he bit her or something like, I would hope that we would try to work with him. Obviously, that's my own situation, and my dog is ten pounds. It's different than a you know, fifty pound animal. Yeah, but I mean I think you getting a dog looks fun. It always looks

Birds are a lot of work.

The fucking birds lived for like forty years. Like, be real with yourself about how much yes, I can, I can. I can't imagine it, Okay, next one subject, Thank you for the heartbreak episode, Dear Stephanie, Melissa and the More Better Team. I was listening to your episode about heartbreak and it made me cry in a good way, the kind of cry that you've been needing to have but you just don't have time.

Or emotional space. Tell me about it. I love those cries.

Over the past three years, I've gone through a lot of change. I moved to a new state to go to law school after nine years in a totally different career. Wow, so many things have started and go ahead, dang and ended in that short time. And while I'm super proud of myself, most of those things have been good. Every now and then I felt really sad and I couldn't put my finger on why your episode made me realize

Make me cry? Becca gos Nic.

That is really really sometimes you just need because that's the thing, right sometimes when you can name it where you can put a name to it and it can.

Just like help you process it.

And the fact that that episode helped you do that is huge. It makes me feel so touched and thank you for that, you know what, Rebecca, Fuck you for making me tear up. Okay, Next, this is actually a question listener question and there's a voice note, so let's listen to it.

The subject is setting boundaries. Hi, Stephanie and Melissa le Ninus Lupet. I live in Los Angeles and I have loved your podcast. Thank you for what you both do. I'm curious about your thoughts on setting boundaries, whether it's

Basically just how we were raised. I think it was a few podcasts episodes ago where you both touched on code switching how we can sometimes feel like we have to suppress parts of ourselves in order to fit into certain environments, and it made me think about boundaries and how difficult it can be setting boundaries and environments like that, and it basically leads to perhaps us not always advocating for ourselves and just makes it even more challenging. Curious

That's first of all, is Lupa teaching a class? Can I take it like? She sounds so smart?

I know Jesus so well spoken and you should be our podcast. Yeah yeah, I think, like, yeah, I mean it is all those things, right, Like, I think, especially for groups that are marginalized in any kind of way, shape or form, it becomes this most strange mix of I know what I need, but I'm not sure I'm safe enough to ask for it at all times. Right. I feel like for many people in this world's straight wide dudes, like they there's a safety at all times and I'm going to ask for what I need.

But for groups that are marginalized.

It can be like I actually don't know if I'm safe to ask for what I need or to create the boundary because I don't know if I'm going to lose my job. I don't know if I'm going to be seen as a bitch. I don't know if I'm going to be you know, I don't know if I'm going to lose out on further opportunities because I was, I mean hard to work with, you know, I don't know.

Like.

How important is this boundary? Is it?

Is it like a physical boundary of like, oh, don't touch me like that, you know?

Is it?

Is it with my employer sort of saying like, hey, we need you to work on a Saturday, and I have a my kid's birthday parties planned for that Saturday, and I can say, I can say I can't.

I can't. I can't work on that Saturday.

I understand that it's going to put us behind, but I just I mean, contractually, if you obligate me to be there, I will show up, but I.

Can't work on that day, you know.

I mean I remember when my dad was dying, and like I showed up to work every day, and I maybe shouldn't have those that the last day.

I probably shouldn't have.

Yeah, I probably should stay home with my dad, you know, because like he was gone three days later, and you know, I probably shouldn't have or I should have Maybe I should have. I mean I shouldn't should all over myself, which is what my friend Lina says, but don't should all over yourself.

But I wish I could have said.

Actually, my needs in this moment are that I have less hours in this last week because my father is.

Dying, you know.

Now that's different than a boundary necessarily, but it's similar. I think, what do you think? Also, I know it's hard.

I think especially like women in general, but particularly Latino women, I feel like it is kind of ingrained in our culture and the way we grow up of like we do everything, we take care of everyone, and we don't complain, and like we're built for that, you know, these all these like made up expectations. Yeah, and it can be

You know?

Always like trying for me, like setting a boundary a lot of times I don't know if this is good or bad includes some type of collaboration follow up, you know, like a better solution, like can we you know, is there something else we can work out? You know, because I find sometimes if I'm bringing the other person into it, they're more likely to like respect my boundary.

Because how can we collaborate with shutting them off?

How can we collaborate on like a different solution or something else that works for me and you because this doesn't.

I think that's great. Yeah, I think there's like a.

I feel like setting boundaries is also like somewhat newer in our society, do.

You know what I mean?

Like in general, like in general of like talking about it, like I don't feel like it's normalized yet, do you.

Know what I mean? So I feel like for people that aren't.

Men, Yes, I'm pretty sure set boundaries a full time since time, you know what I mean, like the for the the rest of us, for the rest of us, like a work in progress for the best.

So I'm just kidding.

I think I'm always like on guard of like people can get really defensive when you're trying to set a boundary.

So I think that's why I do the collaboration thing.

Is just like I find I you know, there have been times where I just be like no, and then that person sure like defense goes up and they get insulted or whatever, and and then I have another problem I have to deal with. But yeah, so I've sort of started doing that is but yeah, it is hard. It is hard, and I and I myself have to constantly remind myself that like.

Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'm like better at you know.

I mean, I am better at like a lot of things, but like doesn't mean that my you know, my gender or my DNA makes me like naturally better at things. I'm just doing them because no one else is, you know. And yeah, and so you know, it is it is hard, but then it always feels great when I do it, And that's the part I try to remember that.

I always feel stronger and more empowered, and so.

I try to like hold on to that when I'm about to try to have that conversation.

Yeah, I think some sometimes it is. Sometimes it's worthwhile to have a collaborative conversation about it. Sometimes it's it's guess in check a lot of times, like what what what would happen if I just said no? You know what, what does happen if I just said no?

That doesn't work.

Right, because you build it up in our heads and we say no, and the people and the others and go, oh okay, yeah, and it was no medal, and.

You're like, fuck, man, I should say no more.

I wish that everybody was starting with the same baseline of kindness, politeness, thoughtfulness, and the reality is that nobody is starting with the same baseline. Most of the time, you find people that are similar to you, and you become friends with those people because that feels good. But the reality is that we're all in a big old mix with people that you know, some people haven't had a kind word given to them their entire lives, and so our real true pieces of shit to work with,

You know.

I remember being friends with this kid who in high school he just like had no boundaries and it was so difficult to like get him to understand like bro, and like subsequently he didn't have a lot of friends outside like the theater group because like he just had no boundaries, like with you know, he just couldn't like quote unquote read signs. But like turns out he was sort of I think today he would probably be described as autistic and like couldn't really would absolutely respect the

It always and forever. It was a really.

Interesting lesson and like, oh yeah, sometimes you just got to come out, come right out and say it without beating around the bush and trying to be polite.

And other times you have to use kid globes to handle people, so lopout. What we're saying is we don't want the answer. Sorry, it's hard. Sorry, thanks slooping for the ways.

That's a good question, really solid air.

I hope we kind of sort of tackled some of it. Yeah, okay, so.

More better.

Okay, So what have we learned today?

I learned that I really love horses, particularly Patches, who I feel is maybe maybe a prototype for the horse, maybe I'll get to ride someday if I take these lessons. I'm not going to Burbank, but maybe I'll take horses right back riding lessons and indulge myself in some more uh self care that.

Maybe I didn't realize that I needed.

Yeah, get that horse joy in your life, girl. Yeah, girl, I have been watercolor painting more.

I just like bought a big thing you want to see?

Yeah, I don't want to see your watercolor.

Oh, Stephanie, that's so pretty. Oh my goodness, I love and I would like a water color. I would like a Stephanie Beatrice water color in my house. So can you please make so let us know everybody if you.

Guys want, original's going to be opening her Etsy art.

She's gonna be opening her Etsy store any day now.

No, thank you? What about you? Would you?

Would you come away with this this session?

Oh gosh. I came away with.

Relief that what I have felt has just been us fucking bullshitting has actually made some people happy and meant something to people, which was always the goal.

And so I.

Feel really proud and mostly relief of oh, thank god we pulled it off. And yeah, and I also learned that I got to work on my boundaries, my boundaries, because the way I broke out into a sweat while we were talking about them men was a big old clue that.

I don't think I've been nailing it. Only I've been nailing it. You probably that's always a work in progress. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a work in progress.

And it feels like I feel like it's something that evolves too, like as you get older and you know, and it's something that you're always having to kind of reevaluate. Like I know very few people that are like so good at setting boundaries.

They are all white men and like maybe a couple of women.

Yeah, but it's just like super powerful people usually are.

Pretty damn powerful people are really good at it, that is. Yeah, those are those are good kind of people to look to of like how they do it sometimes if they do it in like a kind healthy way.

Yeah.

But yeah, but it was it was great. It was great to like go through all of these It was fun.

Yeah, it was a nice hearing from you guys.

Join us next week for finale, our season finale with more listener emails.

Okay, bye bye, bye bye, you guys.

Do you have something you'd like to be more better at that you want us to talk about in your future episode.

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Ooh, More Better with Daphanie Melissa is a production from wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mikultura podcast network, hosted by me Steffie Diatriz and Melissa Kumara. More Better is produced by Isis Madrid and Sophie Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Klem at wvsound. This episode was edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and features original music by Madison Devenport and Heylo Boy. Our cover art is by Vincent Remys and photography by David Avalos.

You listen to your favorite shows. See you next week, Bye

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