“Love Is a Brain Scam” | Heartbreak

homebody and like just hang out with my family. Oh yeah, so okay, okay, I'm listening. But I think lately I've been a little more better about just making sure to like make plans and follow through and show up to things and and yeah just like show up to people. I do feel my social battery like starting to get

a little low. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, But it also feels really good to like see friends and stuff because I actually feel like over the summer we saw friends and like, you know, we traveled and saw family, but like we didn't really do a lot of like adult social hangs, Like David and I didn't really go out to any dinners or like we kind of just did family stuff and we're kind of homebody over the summer. But it was nice. Yeah. But now I'm like, oh, yeah,

we got to get back out there. So I feel like I've been more better at that. Dave guy has been like going on double dates and stuff. Yeah yeah, and like doing stuff. Yeah that's cute. Yeah that's really cute. Considering you're gonna leave soon and you're not going to see him for three weeks. I think that's very good to bank that time. Yeah, totally necessary. What about you? What have you been doing lately? That's more better? Oh, let's see, I've I've been really good at asking for hope.

Ooh that's a big one. Is great at that, Like I'm really not good at it, especially not my family. I'm not I feel the deep need to do everything by myself otherwise I'm a failure. But that's not true. Oh that's not true at all. It's not true. And I've been trying to like be there for people when I can, like I did. I recently did a friend's podcast and did the live show of dough Boys here

in Toronto. Fun and that was really fun. So like and I said I was gonna I was like offered myself up as a guest, Like I was like, hey, man, I'll be a guest if you want. Yeah, And that was a little like oh is that okay that I did that? So that was like brave of me. And then the actual podcast, I was really nervous because they're really funny. They're like funny jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes

is just like femny. So are you? I know, thank you, but you know that there's I know, you know what I mean, Like it's it's hard when it's like improv people or stand ups sometimes all the time, and yeah, and they're really good at it. Like yeah, there are people that are guest stars on our show this season that are incredibly incredibly funny, and you know I am funny too, but like some people are just gifted in

another way, like you know what I mean. So yeah, and it can be like a little intimidating comparison situations. It's more like a you know, it's more like go wow, that people's that person's like really gifted at that. I'm gifted at other things anyway. But I like I braved it and did it. I ate this, like, oh my god, I ate this honey croller on stage because they brought them on stage there we did Tim Horton. So the whole thing Boys podcast is like they eat different fast

food chains. So we're in Canada, so we ate Tim Horton's I ate a honey croller on stage. I went into like septic shock, but like sugar shock. I shouldn't talk about that, but like no, I was gonna say, because you don't do a ton of sugar, and when you don't do a ton of sugar and you eat something like that, I felt like my eyeballs were gonna

shoot out of my head. Yes, it was fucking gnarly bro like I at one point, I was like if I had a ton of shoes on I would run around this stage like I felt I thought like at one point I was like, should I fly away? Like I could fly away? Right now? I think I can fly, guys, Guys, I think I can fly. So yeah, that's what I've been doing, like, you know, just trying to just like I don't know if any of that was more better, but it felt more better. It felt kind of brave

doing something. Yeah, you just you did something that scared you a little bit, Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, and taking time for myself and stuff more better. So today's today's episode topic, guys, how about my segue? Did you like? That? Was like so smooth? It was smooth. It was smooth. Today's episode topic actually comes from a listener. If you guys have any suggestions. By the way, by the way, we see you on the internet and we like it.

We'd like it. Yeah, when you guys like tag us and stuff, we don't always get we can't always like get into conversations and stuff, but we see when you guys tag us. You see when you guys are commenting on especially social media stuff. We love seeing your comments and reading everything. And if you have a suggestion for a future episode, always email us. At Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com, and you can include a voice note if you want to be featured on the pod. Let's

read the email. Shawee, Melissa show we yes here, I'll read it. Okay, Hi, Stephanie and Melissa. My name is Vivian. I'm from Germany. Cool and I'm a huge fan of your podcast. Thank you, Vivian. My suggestion for a topic is how to deal more better with heartbreak and breakups. I went through a tough breakup myself when my boyfriend and I ended our five year relationship a few months ago, and I still have a hard time moving on. I

would love to hear what your thoughts are. Vivian. Oh, First of all, congratulations, yes, truly, truly that when I hear people have broken up, because you just never know like why they broke up or how what it was, but like more likely than not, it was for the best of all parties involved. So congrats. Mm hmm. Even though I might not feel like that right now one hundred percent, I actually have a good friend going through

a breakup right now, and the same thing. At first, I was like because it came out of the blue and it was very like, you know, there wasn't a progression. There weren't really warning signs, so it was just kind of like, hey, I'm not happy, I'm gonna leave you like that kind of thing. Yeah. And so are were they married? Are they are living together? Living together?

the other person. And then the second thing I sort of discovered was my friend went through a really tough period and that seemed to be the thing that the partner sort of referred to as like, you know, when things in the relationship weren't good, and it just sounded like they were centering themselves while you know what I mean. And I was just I just had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're my friend. I love you. Life is long, Relationships

are tough, they go through ups and downs. Yeah, David and I I shared with him the first year after we were married, like you know, a very close family member passed and it was very sad and it was very ugly and hard, and you know, we went through this hard thing and I was like, hard things are

always going to fucking happen. You went through a hard thing, and sometimes when your partner's going through something hard, you do have to, like some of your needs kind of have to be you know, put on hold a little bit because you've got to be there for your person, right because you got to understand that, like they need a little more support in that moment, Like this person just instead centered themselves and said, hey, well what about me? And yeah, and I was like, is that someone you

want to start a family with? Is that someone you want to dodge? Bullet nudged? That's what I said. I said, I I know you're hurting, but I feel like this might be a blessing in disguise because I think you just you were you were ring shopping, like damn hopefully,

I think you know. The first thing I would ask Vivian is just like if you can, in a way like step back and look at the big picture, is this person really going to be like your ride or day like exactly person really going to like have your back through like life's toughest moments. Yeah, yeah, it's so, But it's hard, man. Heartbreak is hard. It's really hard. It's it's hard even when both parties are it's it's hard when no one's at fault. It's hard when someone's

at fault. It's hard when no one's a fault, right, it's hard. Yeah. Like I remember, you know, having a breakup, and it was like everybody was trying to be after we got over the heart, like the the shitty, icky part. It was like everyone was trying to be adults, and it was still really hard. It's just like, it's really difficult to entangle untangle your entangled life. It's not a word, is it. Untangled? Yeah, just disentangled. Oh god, I'm uned

an English major. Oh no, untangled, disentangled, untangled is correct. Disentangle is not a word. But you know what Shakespeare made should up And I'm definitely just like Shakespeare. Yeah, you are so like it's just really, I mean, five years two, it feels like forever. That's hard. You probably they probably shared friends and oh god, that's awful. The first time I ever had my heartbroken, I was eighteen.

I was in a relationship with my high school boyfriend at the time, and we I knew we were probably going to break up after high school, but like I was kind of holding on to hope that we wouldn't. I remember a prom having this like big, dramatic, like cry moment on the on the prom floor because it was like, we're gonna break up. I just know it, and like I should have. I should I wish I had been brave enough to be like, we should break up for the summer, but I couldn't because he was

just like everything that I had ever wanted, you know. Meanwhile, I was sixteen. We started dating, and then we both went to our respective schools and I was going to school in Missouri, he was going to school in Texas. And then the week of freshman orientation he called me and was like, I slept with someone. And I was like, I'm laughing now, but I was devastating, devastated because at the time I also hadn't had sex yet, like I was. I was a late bloomer, and I was just devastated.

Number One one, that you know, he had had sex with someone else. I just couldn't believe it. Number Two, that he was breaking up with me, like over the phone. I was like, no, this can't be. I tried to get him back for like six months, like I just was all. It was all consuming, all consuming. It was all about Travis, was everything was about Travis, and like I just couldn't imagine a world in which that wasn't what I wanted. Yeah, And like that's the hard thing

about breakups. Heart hard thing about heartbreak is like in the moment, you really cannot imagine a world where this doesn't hurt as much as it does in that moment. It's so hard to trust that there will be a life beyond that heartbreak. It's really hard to trust. Trust comes with like time and experience, and like, already it's been, however many months, she said, six months since the break up, five months, six five months, Like it doesn't hurt as

bad as it did probably that very first day. Yeah, but it still probably hurts really, really bad. You know, it's gonna keep hurting for a while. Was that thing on Sex and the City where she was like, you get over a breakup for in half the time that you guys were together, which is like kind of a

bullshit rule, but kind of helps a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, well I think it takes the pressure off of oh it's been so long and I still feel like this, you know, I myself have been through some gnarly like love breakups, but I think the ones that I had an even harder time getting through were the friend breakups. I had like two big ones in my twenties. Fucking brutal, brutal, brutal and these toes becoming for your heart, these hoes becoming for your becoming for your heart. Man and same.

It's like what you were saying about trust, it was, you know, so much of my trust was broken. The first friendship sort of fell apart in a we were roommates and there was like a big dumb fight at the end of it, and I felt really betrayed and it was like a little bit over money and that kind of thing. And we had a lot of mutual friends, which ended up helping a little bit because some of them, most of them were like, no, I think you were

right in this situation. But also who knows friends be just being friends and they could have been saying that to both of us. But I felt really betrayed and this person I was like my best friend, Like I mean, we were roommates, we spent so much time together, and you know, and then the second friend, uh friendship was more of the situation of me kind of realizing one day like oh, I think I put so much more

into this friendship than this other person. Oh my god, And I don't think this person is a good friend and like doesn't value quality time with me and the way like I'm always trying to hang out when it's not like a party or we're not like going to the club or like you know, and they're always busy

like that kind of stuff. And again, I just felt in the world and is Molisa from Maro calling you up and being like, hey, do you want to like hang out and get coffee And You're like no, Like what are you talking about?

There's plenty of people that would love love to like hold your hand through life and guard your heart carefully and like be your close companion, as they say in Anne green Gables, your bosom friend, you know, like there's lots of people and there are, but I but I think the two breakups, the first one broke my trust and made me, I think, afraid to trust someone again, which is why maybe I fell into the second friendship thinking this person was my best friend, but like wasn't

really a person that was there for me, right because like deep down it was safe, right, like maybe I wasn't going to get hurt, but I ended up getting hurt. And then the mind fuck was why did I? Why did I go along for so long? Why did I? And honestly, when I look back, I probably avoided getting close to anyone new for the next like five years after that day Actice friendships film, like because I was so afraid of getting so hurt again that I'm just talking to me? Is this me talking to me? That's

how I feel, That's real, I feel. Yeah, Like after I lost those I mean we talked her a little bit on the podlat like I also had two very good friends that like I felt really betrayed by, and like I just had my wedding anniversary, and I think I part of what made me I was like thinking about our wedding and thinking about our you know, anniversary, and I just kept thinking of those two friends because like they were part of the wedding and I don't talk to them anymore.

having friends. I've always loved having friends, like I love having a group of friends I love like I know that I need people, like I know that I'm like a like a village type of person I think most people are, and and like kind of yeah, having a moment in the last few years of like it's time for me to like open up to more people and invest more time and energy into the people I really love and care about and make time for them, and like figure out a way how to like really fold

this into my life and not be so scared if you know, I get hurt again. Yeah, well how do you fet? It's hard? Like, how do you get over? How do you start to get over the breakup or how do you get over the like you know what I mean, Like, I think it's important to like anything kind of you have to feel all the hard fucking feelings, right,

It's like you have to. I feel like whenever I'm moving through something really hard, whether it's heartbreak or grief, is a big one too, where I have to check in with myself of like how much of avoiding am I doing a thing? Because I do? I do? We all do ten because it's uncomfortable, right, Like that's the go to, Like that is I'm just gonna keep myself and I do. I'm so good at it. I'm so

good at keeping my keep miss Elsy. I'm distracted and I'm just gonna like do the things that are fun and like see the fun people and like you know. But then eventually, like that shit catches up with you, Like eventually your body or your brain or your sleep starts telling you like you have to deal with this, you know, and it shows up in different ways I think for everyone. Then I just try I try to like remind me I felt that I eventually have to

move through this. Yeah, And there's something about like move the forward movement, like visualizing just like moving through the muck, moving through the the thing, you know, and whether it's crying or whether it's going to therapy or talking to friends about it, you know, I think be careful with that because I definitely have been that person that is like, had a friend be like, I love you, but we we need to move forward, and we have talked about this a lot, so you don't want to like abuse

your friendships. I am sometimes the friend that is like, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

a lot of things from the relationship. And it wasn't until like the next year. I think at Christmas time that I was going through you know, Christmas boxes or like a stuff like storagey stuff, and I was like, why am I holding onto these? Why am I holding onto this personalized you know? It was the Christmas ornament that started. I was like, why am I holding onto this Christmas ornament with this picture of me and this person?

We are broken up, You're not together anymore. I have to get rid of this And it was really hard. I don't know if I even did it that year, but I ended up all of the ornaments. Ornaments are really important to me, Christmas is really important to me. Yeah, put them all in a box and I threw them away and I threw with the love letters. Yeah, I

threw away the love notes. I threw away the birthday cards, and like, I know, some people will keep those things because it's like a moment in time, but like for me, it was like, I'm not with this person anymore. My heart was broken when this didn't work out. Why am I holding on to the stuff that makes me feel so sad when I look at it. It's not like I look at this stuff and think that was a

romantic poem. It's like, I know, I think about this, and I go like this person, you know, fucked me up, Like why look, why am I holding onto the shit? You know? Yeah, like a cliche as it can be. I think even like you know, putting a little pot of fire and burn or like a fire planting, like burning some things and like letting go and releasing kind

of being really helpful and therapeutic totally. I also think like taking this is something that I used to do more in New York because you didn't have to drive, you could just get on public transit. But I would go and do things like I would go see a movie by myself or go This is also because I was young and not a mom and single or whatever, but like I would go to like the art museum or go to an exhibit or go to like you know, go to somewhere and experience something by myself and have

like a good cleansing, artistic feeling. Cry about it because for me, I'm not a person who can hang out in my apartment and cry like I don't. Okay, So this is a big heartbreak moment. But when my dog Banjo died, I was very very connected to Banjo. He was like my familiar and when he died. I Oh my god, I hope, I'm cry. I went around the apartment and collected all of his stuff, like everything that was his, like his toys, his little blankets, his dog food,

is treats, and I just sobbed the whole time. And then I kept saying out loud, you were such a good boy. You were such a good boy, and like it was such a hard thing to do. Yeah, it was so cleansing, though, and it was so healing for me because I knew he's he like his spirit was still in the house. Like, but I also had to give myself the activity of like I have to I

have to clean his stuff up. I have to let go because like if I look over in a week and I still see all his things, it will devastate me. So like I had to put them in a box, and then the next week I had to take the box to a friend and like give her she had like she was rescuing animals, so like I gave her all the stuff. And like I think the physical activity sometimes is like really healing to like you know, finish

with that part of your life. Like at breakups are they are a break and you have to break you have to let yourself break and then heal, because like if you keep holding on, you're never going to like the break is never going to be clean, you know. Yeah, and you have to find a way. I like what you were saying about, like sometimes it can be like a physical action to help you feel like you're moving

forward and you're moving through the thing. You know. I know my friend who's going through the breakup is going to like redecorate parts of their house, you know, things that their partner chose. They're going to change. And I told them, I said, you should rearrange the furniture, you know, and find out figure out a new layout for things, and like maybe even switch your bedroom to a different room,

like you know, like big physical changes. And then I said, and then if you can swing it, you should go on a trip, whether by yourself or with friends, like whichever you think you need, but just like have a little get away to just kind of like whatever. Maybe it's morn maybe it's party, maybe you know, like something something for you that's not about to like not about them, and just like come back from that trip and be like this is the start of the new chapter. You know.

I think it's important to do these little markers or rituals right, like you just feel like we're we're moving

through the thing a little bit. But it's and the budget version of that is like, Okay, so maybe you can't like afford to go stay in a hotel overnight, but you probably have some friends that will let you like crash in their house and like yeah, a movie night and like stay away from your house one night and like have a moment that's not that's not in that space, you know, Like especially if you shared a space or share to like you know, maybe you can't

redecorate your whole apartment, but like I bet you could get a new comforter from like TJ Max or something like yeah that you could get like a new set of sheets, like something a room pain, a roam you can't tell her, get a new laundry detergent and like wash your sheets in a different scent and like start fresh. Like there's so many little things like that that can help you like make a space feel new practically and physically.

I mean, like all these things are like little magical things that you can bring into your space that like are hard because we are so connected, especially like if you live with people. Yeah, more isis our producer send us this thing that like was in our nerd time part of this pod, which was like, my god, we're so InSync because I literally just was pulling it up as.

Like it's a real thing. And when you are with other people, like if you're with a partner for a long time or even if you just see them all the time, your bodies can really like co regulate when you're with someone all the time, like intimately, Like so like if you're in post proxiety at them, Yes, your heartbeats actually regulate. When you're asleep, your cortisol levels line up your morning and evening cortisol levels, your respiration rates

sometimes aligne. There are lots of studies showing that when you put a couple in a brain scammer scanner, scammer. Love is a brain scam, by the way, and then you give them a test, their brain waves sync up in the same way what happens physiologically when a partner leaves. Your brain and body really notice it on a subconscious level.

I just thought that was really interesting because I will say, like after we finished shooting Brooklyn, Yeah, we had all been together at that point for seven and a half years, almost eight years, and the month after and I was very pregnant, so like might have been part of that too, But like I was fucked up, Like I was fucked up, Like I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was having like a very hard time after we finished, Like, yeah,

I had a hard time. I was really heartbroken because I knew I just wasn't gonna see you guys the same way every single day, you know, and like it was it fucked me up. And like no, it fucked me up too. It's like it's kind of nice knowing that, Like science is like, yeah, of course it fucked you up. Like you're not You're not like a little baby. They can't handle it, Like you're You're a human being that gets fucked up. When the people that you were around

for that much time. Aren't in your life every day anymore? I mean all the female cycles even SYNCD up like during the course of that show. Yeah, someone was trying to tell me the other day like, oh, that's been like debunked or whatever. I was like, l O L. I looked around the set and I was like, I can count like four women right now that are all in the same period cycle, Like how dare you tell me that debunked. I'll debunk you with my fucking toe

bagful you know. Yeah, sleepings right now. Yeah, that that was a total heartbreak phase after Brooklyn ended, of just yeah, I would wake up so sad for so slave can't eat. You know, it's hard. It's really hard, and it's like still hard. It's still hard. It's still hard. It's been many years and it's still hard. Yeah. I just was at a wedding this weekend, Be's wedding.

kind giving person. We love you, b uh. She worked in the production office, so she was sort of not always on set behind the scenes, so you know her interaction for brain and she's a super brain and a superperson and like super generous and giving anyway. But yeah, just sitting at that table with like Matt and Tony and everybody, it was just like, you know, we joked, we're like, guys, let's make another show. Let's listen. And

I think it was it was Tony. It was either Tony or Matt that just went, Oh God, wouldn't that be great? Like, you know, it's not just us, like, it's it's every like it was such a special thing for so long and how close we truly all got. That was a really big one that was hard to get over. Yeah it's fine, I mean it's it's and there's no like talking yourself out like, oh well maybe maybe someday we will know. Like the reality with the fact is is like that was a time that will

never happen again. We will never be together for that many hours ever again. Yeah, and that fucking sucks, and it's heartbreakings. It sucks. But like that's also like the tough the tough love part of heartbreak is like, yeah, you do have to be a little tough with yourself sometimes you have to be like you're gonna get through this, like you're gonna be okay, Oh, you'll always be a little bit sad about this, and that's what. That's fine.

That's fine, Okay, a little bit sad about it, you know, Like, and there's also gonna be I mean, there's also gonna be other heartbreaks that you have in your life, Like this won't be the last one, you know, like this won't be the this. It just it won't be that way. Like yeah, I don't even know. I don't know if that's like good or bad necessarily, but it's human, you know, it's human. Human. It's just hard, hard experience. Yes, it's the give and take for how wonderful and full of

joy and amazing life is. I literally was just saying that to my son Enzo this morning because a boy on his soccer team is moving away and he was sort of sad about it, and and this just sort of flew out of my mouth, and I was like, oh, I hope that wasn't too harsh, Like I you know, you like, deal with it, bitch. No, listen, get your shoes on. We got to go to school and just deal with it, all right. Uh no, I validate, And I was like, Oh, that's really, you know, tough up.

But then I was like, but babe, like I hate say, It's just part of life. It's part of growing up. You're gonna have other friends that move. You're gonna have other friends that go to a different school, you know, when you graduate high school and you I'll go off to different I remember sobbing on my high school graduation because it was that same sort of feeling I had at Brooklyn where I was like, I'm not going to

see you anymore. So funny I was learning peace, yeah, I was like, but definitely was that, Like, yeah, no, there was a little bit of that because I was excited about what was coming. But I sobbed that day because there were and there were certain friends that like, deep down I knew, I was like, we're probably barely

going to be friends anymore. And I really like you, but I just know that you're going to lives are going in different dior lives are going in different directions, and I'm not going to see you and we're not so so close that you know, And it's sad, but it is. It is, you know. There you have to find a way to make peace with these shitty parts of life that are just going to happen. Otherwise you

stop living. Otherwise your life stops being less less. You know, you don't live your life fully, you don't ye your life maybe in your ability, your best potential. You deserve a big life that's full. Yeah, Like everyone decide and deserves the biggest life everything. You know. It's like five years feels like a lot, but it's really not that much time. Like ten years isn't that much, twenty years

isn't that much. Like there's still more life to be had, there's still more things to see and experience and laugh about and have joy about, and there's still so many sunsets and sunrises and like there's still so much like beyond that thing. Obviously you're mourning that thing, and it's hard, but like, there's so much life to be had, and you deserve to let yourself have it. You know, you deserve it. Yeah, you deserve it. If you can't say that to yourself, we'll say it to you right now.

You deserve it. You do deserve it, bitch. Get back out there, rearrange some furniture, call your friends, get a new comforter. More better. I feel more better?

don't know what would have happened. It certainly wouldn't you know. I certainly wouldn't know raws. She wouldn't Yes, she wouldn't exist maybe, And she's like the coolest person ever. That's my kid. If you don't, if you haven't listened to the podcast, but you know, you just never know where life's going to take you. Yeah, yeah, And most of the time a breakup is in the long run. Yeah, congrats supposed to happen, So congratulations, believe it at that. Congrats,

Ma Man, Congrats movie. We'll see you. We'll see you next time. Bye, guys, Bye, More Better. Do you have something you'd like to be more better at that you want us to talk about in a future episode? Can you relate to our struggles or have you tried one of our tips and tricks?