Mildred Muhammad's Story [bonus]

of this stuff? Easy? Yeah? Really, it may not be easy for you to hear it. For you? Is that because you're processed it? I'm done? What does that mean? You're done? It means I do not have any emotional charge to this story. You may have one, Other people may have one, but I don't. How long do you expect me to hold onto that kind of pain? It's been two thousand two, We're in two thousand nineteen. I still supposed to be crying, and I'm still supposed to

feel some type of emotions towards him. Some people think I'm still supposed to love him and forgive him. No, I'm not supposed to do that. That's your interpretation of what I'm supposed to do, and I have my interpretation of what I will do. I get to choose that. So the idea that I would think that this might be painful as a projection, exactly, it's an assumption. You're basing your assumption on other people's or your own perspective of how you feel I should be with this story.

That's not my reality, that's yours. So we're a minute in and she's already dropped the mic. She's already well, thank you for that, no problem, thank you for that. I'm Tony Harris the special episode of Monster DC Sniper. I'm proud to present our interview with Mildred Mohammed. Mildred is a domestic violence awareness advocate and the ex wife of John Mohammed. John kidnapped her children, threatened her life, and many believe the DC Sniper attacks were part of

a plan to disguise her eventual murder. This interview covers topics we couldn't fit into the series. If you haven't listened to the whole season yet, it might be a good idea to finish the show first. All right, back to the interview, So could I have you a state your name and your professional speaker's title. I am Mildred Mohammed. I'm an award winning global keynote speaker. I'm a certified consultant with the Office on Victims of Crime, as certified

Personal and Professional development coach. And my former husband was John Ala Mohammed, whom you all know to be the DC Sniper. I was laying on the sofa and I was having this dream about women calling me asking me for help, and they were just all around me, and I fell off the sofa and I went to my children. I said, look, I got to help other women, and the only way I can do that is to share my story and yours about your dad. And I need your permission to do that. And they say, Mom, you

do what you need to do. Just tell the truth. Just tell the truth. And so that's when I went to the library. I got a book on how to become a professional speaker. Decided to have the Lowest Flower as my logo because it was a flower that came out of the darkness into the light. I looked up domestic violence conferences on Google. I found two, contacted them and I was able to land those two engagements, and I've been speaking ever since. When did you realize for

yourself that you were in an abusive relationship. I was watching TV in Washington State and that was a p s A. I understand that coming out of a domestic violence relationship is not And it was a woman speaking and she told of all of the signs associated with domestic violence and as she's going through up. Okay, that's wine. Okay, that's too but well, I'll be in an abusive relationship. And I called the number seven nine nine safe. It's time for everyone to allow for their voices to be heard.

And they talked to me. I'm in the room, My children are in the living room. John is at work, and they say, well, we'd like for you to come in. I say, nope, not coming in. They said, well, we really need to get you help. Nope. I just wanted to call to make sure at I'm seeing what I'm seeing and I need to come to terms with that, and then I'll call you back. I never called them back, but at that point, that's when I knew, because I just thought it was a part of a relationship, you know,

that's how relationships are. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, so I didn't know that I was in an abusive relationship until I saw that commercial, and they don't even have p essays anymore. They don't not even in the month of October, which is Domestic Holenesce Awareness month, they're no PSAs on TV. So that's when I knew most people don't really know that they're in abusive relationships.

Eighty percent of victims do not have physical scars to prove that they are victims, although do I choose to concentrate on the eighty percent, the verbal, the psychological, the spiritual, the stock game, and it is my mission to shift the thinking of society to understand that you do not have to have physical scars to be a victim or a survivor of domestic violence. And because this is a worldwide epidemic, the person that you're sitting next to could

be a victim or a survivor. It is how you have responded to this person as to rather or not they will confide in you and ask you for help. Before I left John, he came over and said we need to talk. My brother was there, so I felt I was safe. We're going to garage, so he says, you are not going to raise my children by yourself. You have become my enemy, and as my enemy, I

will kill you. He charges at me. I ran around him into the house where my brother was and he leaves and I tell my brother, I said, John's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me. He said, girl, John, I gonna kill you. I never went to my brother again for help because he didn't believe me. And a victim does not have time to clarify to the people who she's going to for help how dangerous the situation is. He was hiding from everybody else, but I was the

one that got to see it all. So when I go to people and say, you know, John is treating me is such and such a way. He's doing this to me, Well, that's not to John. I know, of course it's not. I tell victims of domestic violence be careful who you talk to, du to touch tests, touch tests. Tony Johnson is not treating me, right, I mean, he is humiliating me and making me feel that I shouldn't

even be here. And depending on his response is how I will either continue to talk to him or never speak to him again, because he is gonna put my life in jeopardy. He's gonna go back and tell him, hey, man, you know Milda came in. Damn So no, that's the touch tests. When he took the children, I stopped eating. I was eating. I have a slice of bread and crushed ice. That was it, just enough to sustain me. I was signing for a package from my mom or Mother's Day and I passed out. Get to the hospital

and I had to have a blood transfusion. Two people knew I was in hospital. My phone rings and it's John. He had people watching the house and he says, how you doing how? I said, I'm good. He said how's mom? I said she's fine. I say, why won't you let the children call me? He said, we don't always get what we want, do we. So there's a dialogue that goes on between the victim and the abuser, and only

those two people know what that means. He had already said you have become my enemy, and as my enemy, I will kill you. So I had two choices. I could go back to him and die, or I could hang up the phone and never see my children again. And I hung up the phone. I let out a scream. The nurses came. My mother call the hospital. Shortly thereafter, and told them that John just called her and said he was on his way to the hospital to kill

her daughter. So they moved me from one room to another, posted a guard outside my door, took my name off of the register and stated that anybody who was coming up to see me needed to send up their I d to identify rather or not it was John. A social worker came and said, you can't go back home. I said, well, my mom is at home. Said we'll take care of your mom, but we have to disconnect from everybody that you know, because we have to put you in hiding so that John will not find and

kill you. So they waited till it got dark, took me out of the back door of the hospital. They told me I needed to slouch down in the car so no one could see that I was in the car. But I watched the rooftops and I was watching the open windows because I knew it was gonna be a head shot, just as sure as I'm sitting here talking to you, I knew it was gonna be a head shot. I go into the shelter and the staff person said, Miller, you're in luck. You get your own room, like I

want to be in a shelter. So we go upstairs and I'm sitting on the bed and I'm thinking, how did I get here? Married for twelve years, three children, a business, I'm a businesswoman, taking care of my mom, and I'm in a shelter. When a victim is still emotionally attached to her abuser, she or he, they are more concerned with what the abuser thinks instead of what

they need to do to get away. Because even in the shelter, I was watching a commercial about a family and the husband, and that's when it clicked that John didn't love me. That's when it clicked. That's crazy. And that's when I had to swallow that pill. And he didn't love me. After all of that, that was the moment in the shelter, in the shelter, watching TV and don't love me? The light came on, so to speak.

Was there anything in the commercial that triggered that? It was a family setting and it just clicked just but once I swallowed that pill, it was only like popcorn. What knowledge did your children have of the difficulty you guys were having in your relationship? Were they're aware of it? Children are always aware of a couple's issues. As much as we try to keep things from them, they know. September two thousand one, I gained custody of my children. We are trying to put our lives together. I did

not interrogate them to inform me of what happened. We would watch TV and they would recognize, say An Island, and my daughter said, Mom, we were in Antiga. Really yeah, that was a lady that we stayed with. And she asked us why were we there? And I told her that my daddy took us from you, and then she told us we needed to leave. I say, really, m okay, anything else you want to share? Nope, that's it. The person that I had the most issues with was my son.

Out of all three of them, I knew that John would turn him against me. He was jealous of our relationship and he wanted to break him from being so attached and sensitive towards me. So I would ask him to take out the trash and he would jump ab off the sofa and come right in my face. You don't tell me what the dude? Boy, you need to back up. Don't you know I'm from Louisiana. Do you know we don't take this type of disrespect you know what. Let me just take a pause and walk away from you.

And so the girl said, John, why are you so disrespectful to mommy? You know you shouldn't be treating her like that. And I said, again, take out the trash. He took it out reluctantly, but he did. So. I'm sitting on the sofa journaling because journaling is therapeutic for me. Actually, I journal because I had no one else to talk to. People were judging me, victim blaming, telling me that everything was my fault. And John walks up and he says,

you want to know what Dad said about you. I said, yeah, I do. He said, okay. Dad said you didn't want me. Dad said you love the girls more than me. Dad said you wanted him to take us because you wanted to live the rest of your life without us. Say anything else? He said, yeah, he said a lot of things. I said, well, tell me the rest of you. No, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I say, I'm a big girl, I can take it. Say no, mom, I said, okay, this is what I want you to do.

I want you to compare what your dad said to what I do. If you find that I am doing something negative that He said to you, I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me about it so that we can talk about it. You need to know why I do the things I do, and then you can come up with your own interpretation. Because the only way we're going to get through this is with the truth. And I will tell you the truth even if it makes me look bad. But that's the only way we're going to get through this as

a family and be stronger afterwards. Can you promise me you'll do that? He said, yes, ma'am, I can do that. I said, And by the way, what can I do? He said, Mommy, if you could just spend time with me and talk to me, I think that will help. I said, when do you want to get started? Can we start today? Absolutely, Let's go for a walk and talk. And I had to tell him what happened. I used age appropriate language he was a lovin to describe to him what happened and how we got to the point

where we were. I'm thinking about possible issues. I don't know how many of these were present. I'm thinking about little John having questions issues surrounding maybe betrayal, abandonment. They all had abandonment issues. I would go to work and I told them I would be back at five o'clock. I didn't show up until five fifteen. Opened the door. They were hysterical. I said, okay, let me give myself some room. So I told them I will be home between five thirty and five forty five, and I showed

them on the clock what that looks like. But I always made sure I came home at about five fifteen five twenty to give them a routine. After we got all of that cleared up, then there were no more abandonment issues. I didn't find out about the conditions in Antiqua until years later. I went to the Virgin Islands for a speaking engagement. One of the ladies was explaining to me the conditions in Antiqua is as if you went back a hundred years and I lost it, you know,

speaking engagement. I'm glad I was finished speaking because I I was a mess. It took everything to hold myself together until I got home. And when I got home, my son came home and he said, Mom, this is what I want to tell you. They had to wipe themselves with leaves to use the bathroom. They had to carry painter buckets of water with worms in it back to wherever they were living and put a sheet up

so that they could bathe. He said, Mom, we almost lost hope, and that just stabbed me in my heart when he said that, And I said, Honey, I'm just so sorry you went through that. I did not bring you in this world to suffer. And I've lost you, guys for eighteen months, and that's eighteen months I can't get back. But I hope that since I've had you back, that I have done everything that I possibly can do to make you feel like your home. And he said, Mom,

you did that. You went over and above. We know everything you've done, and you've done a great job. You taught us that we have to go through our emotional breakthroughs, and we're gonna give you time to do that. Just go through this process, go through this crime, and then once you're done with it, then we can keep going. When you speak, when you look out into the audience,

describe what you see. I see individuals who have taken the time to come and hear my story, but also there are victims in the audience that are looking for something that would help them leave strategically without being hurt or killed, because up to seventy of women who try to leave an abusive relationship or either hurt or killed. Share some of your your knowledge on how do women leave? Everybody has a different way. Some leave abruptly, some plan,

some stay. I saw instead that it takes women in abusive relationships up to seven attempts to ultimately leave for good. That is correct, but that speaks to how difficult it is to leave. It does the short answer. The long answer is it wouldn't take me seven times to leave if I had support. It wouldn't take me seven times to leave if people didn't blame me for the abuse

that I'm in. So I have to not only handle the abuse that I am in with my boyfriend or husband, but I also have to deal with his family who's coming after me, telling me not to report him or turn him over to the police. I have to look at my friends who are telling me that I'm stupid and I should get out, but nobody's offering me a way out. Nobody asked me what I want to do. You're too busy telling me what to do. But if you was in my shoes, what would you do so?

Don't give me medicine you won't take. Is there a story that you've heard or that comes to mind that demonstrates for you the key differences between violent abuse stories that we hear a lot about and verbal abuse stories that we don't pay as much attention to. I'll give you the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown. When it first came to light of the abuse, we only had her word. She told how he was hurting her. What do we do? We praise the abuser and we silenced

the victim. Why would you do that to Chris? He's a good man. Why are you saying these things about him? Then they started to bring up her past and how terrible of a person she was until those pictures hit the news and then it flipped. He lost endorsements. People couldn't understand why he would do this to her, and whatever she did, it shouldn't worry that. When it came out, my first instinct was, she's calling out for help, but

no one is listening. When the pictures came out, everybody listened. Why does it take a picture for you to understand? So what I would say to victims and survivors in the eight percent who do not have physical scars. Document document, document time and date. Write it down as soon as

it's fresh in your mind. If there are people there to witness, ask them to write affidavits so that you can help the police by building your case, because the police only goes off of evidence, and if you have it written down, then you are actually building your case, which is evident that you are in an abusive relationship and you need help. And it goes the same way

for men. Men, You know, y'all just summarize stuff because you feel you don't want to get the woman in trouble, and it's not until your backs are against the wall that you start to explain the physical assaults that you're going through. Mom. Dad passed when I was nine from a domestic violent situation, not with my mom, but with another woman. What happened my mom and dad were separated and he had decided to come back to my mom. The woman who he was with said no, and she

waited until he was asleep. She pad locked the doors and the windows and set the house on fire. You're telling me your dad was killed and a domestic violence murdered in a domestic violence situation, when I was nine years old. I found this out when I was twenty one. I went to my cousin's funeral. While we were at the repass, there was some men playing cards and I heard them call my dad's name, and so I went

over by the doorway, you know, just to listen. And they said, you can hear him screaming from miles and no one could get close to the house because it was too hot, and so they waited until the Friday harmon came to put the fire out. I say, Mom, you told us he died in the Navy, that he died on a ship. That's why they had his casket draped with the flag. She said, well, he wasn't a military. They gave him the flag because that's what they do with soldiers. But I was waiting for you to get

old enough to tell you. But that's how my dad died. How do you know what are the warning signs that you're in an abusive relationship and that it's not some quote unquote tough love. Love is not tough. There are many signs to domestic abuse and violence. And I could go over the signs and you can look them up on the computer. But I'm a say it like this. It really depends on your tolerance for pain. It really

depends on how you grew up. If you grew up in a household where you witness your father or your mother abusing the other parent, then your tolerance for pain is high, and so it wouldn't be much of a surprise if someone yelled at you, if someone tried to restrict you, or something to that nature. There are many men who grew up in an abusive home, and there are many men who choose not to abuse when they are in relationships. So that tells you right, there is

a choice. You are making a conscious decision to control a life you did not create. So the question is why do you feel entitled to control someone else's lie life when you don't have control of your own. Disappointments and frustrations are dealt with in different ways, but if you were not taught how to handle your frustrations and disappointments, then you will blame other people for bad decisions that you've made instead of holding yourself accountable for your own actions.

Can you explain from your work with other victims and survivors the control dynamic in abusive relationships? Well, it's the honeymoon cycle. You know, I love you. Then you do something too to make me hurt you. I'll call you out your name, I'll even physically assault you. Then I look at you and go, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'll never do this again. I go by flowers, or I go get your favorite perfume or whatever, until you do something again and then I beat you again. I

never hold myself responsible for beating you. It's always your fault. It's always your fault. If you wouldn't have done that, then I wouldn't have had to do see what you made me do. No, that's a choice you made. Why is control required by these abusers? It must speak to lack within themselves. Absolutely, it's lack within themselves. They're insecure about their own life. Again, it goes back to the

childhood and how you were raised in your home. If you didn't have anybody to talk to to understand your emotions and how you process those emotions, and you're watching TV instead of having a sit down talk with an actual person in order to understand why am I feeling this way? It's got to be a reason, absolutely, as a reason. So we have to understand the emotions that are coming up or lessons that we need to learn

for ourse elves and understanding how to handle them. You may not know yourself how to do that, but go to a friend that you trust to help you to process those emotions. When you finish your talks, describe for me what are you thinking. What you hope people get from your discussion of these issues. I never cry on stage. I never cry at a presentation. If there's a victim in the audience that's coming to see me, for me to cry on stage tells them that they will never

get out. They look at me hoping I will say something that will help them not only to get out, but they can be strong, they can be strategic, they can put the tools in place and become healed like me. Crying tells them I'm not healed. Crying doesn't give them hope. Some people say, well, you know it's okay to cry to show people how you feel, not at that moment.

Not at that moment. When you're done, go crying in your room, But don't cry in front of an audience that's looking to you for hope, for empowerment, and for the ability to know that once I get out of this, I'm gonna be just like that, and I'm going to share my story and I'm gonna be strong and help other people. Is there a question that you get more often than any other after I share my story? Mostly what I get is I'm so glad you're still alive. I'm so happy that I drove so many miles to

see you. I'm so glad that you're here. I remember one when I was speaking in three different locations in Virginia, and it was this one woman that was at all three locations and I saw her and she came up to me and she said, hey, Miss Mohammed. I said, hey, how you doing. She say, you know, I've been to all three of your presentations in Virginia. I said, yeah, you're my little stalker. Huh. She said Ms. Mohammedan, You're right, but I just had to hear you say this one

statement because I never heard that before. I said, well, what was that said? I never heard anybody say that you don't have to have physical scars? Ms Mohammed. I have been in an abusive relationship for seventeen years and he never hit me. I'm the breadwinner. He stays at home, and he terrorizes me and my children. The first time you said that, I went home and I looked forward everywhere, and I couldn't find it on the internet where anybody else said that. So I had to make sure that

I heard what you said. So I went to your second session and you said it again, but this time I applied what you said when you told us you may not realize you're in an abusive relationship. So go home and get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, pros and cons. Right, so you write down the pros, you write down the cons. But when you write them down, you don't make excuses like he hit me because ABC and D. No, he hit me, and your only evaluating the relationship and not the individual

because we change every day. Right, So she said, I went home and I did that, and like you said, if the pros outweigh the cons, then we can work on the relationship. But ms mohammed, the cons outweigh the pros. So that man, I needed to make a decision. But I just had to hear you said one more time before I made that decision. And when you said it again, I knew I had to leave, and so I left miss Mohammed, and guess what, me and my children we

are happy. And I would never have left if I didn't hear you say you don't have to have physical scars. What does hearing something like that do for you? That makes me feel that what I started to do its working because it's my mission to shift the thinking. And I shifted her thinking so that she can take a comprehensive look at her relationship and then strategize on how to effectively leave. And that's what she did. I want you to dig in a little bit more on that

sheet of paper concept and what you're writing. So can you talk about that bit of guidance again? What you tell people to go home and do again? You may not know that you are in an abusive relationship. So get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle. Pros on one side, cons on the other. Pros and cons of the relationship, of the relationship only not of the person. Okay, because we all have flaws, we all come with bags. We just choose the person who's willing

to deal with the stuff that's in my bag. So you got the pros and the cons on the paper. The next thing you need to do is separate your emotions from the actual facts. Just like Judge Judy, she says, what all I want are the facts. I don't want no emotions. You want to be emotional, go talk to Dr Phield. So we only want the facts because the facts will help you to see who you dealing with. A pro could be he put gas in the car because the tank was empty. No, he put gas in

the car. It doesn't matter the reason. There's no except in no condition he put gas in a car. A con would be he disconnected my phone because he didn't want me on the house phone. No, no, no, he disconnected the phone, simple as that. So once you come to the end of that, if the pros outweigh the cons, the relationship is worth analyzing and saving, and you have to create a new normal. You can't go back to

what it was. You have to start fresh. If the cons outweigh the pros, you really have a decision to make. Are you gonna stay in a relationship. A lot of people don't leave because they got a lot to lose. Or I helped to build that house, I put money in that account to I'm not having another person to come in here and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I mean, all of that stuff goes on. So that's a decision you have to make, and the decision is

completely yours. You don't need outside people telling you what to do. Nobody's living your life for you but you. But make sure it's a decision that you can live with. If you suspect you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline A seven two three three, or go to the hotline dot org. Once again, that's the hotline dot org. Remember you are not alone because domestic violence reports are on the rise.

Mildred Mohammed also recently released an e book called Being Abused while Teleworking during COVID nineteen. You can find it online. That's it for this bonus episode of Monster. We'll be back soon with another bonus episode, an interview with John and Mildred's daughters, Taliba and Selena. Subscribe to make sure

you don't miss it. When you're coming from a position of being nine years old and all you've known is my dad adds this type of way because I'm a child that when you see him on TV, it's like, well, I don't know what they're talking about because my dad was consistent, consistent, consistent of right and was doing all of the things that he was supposed to be doing