Hot Frosty

Coal for eyes and stuff. Anyway, um you know that old magic scarf we have in the I told you not to touch that or wrap it around anything that you didn't want to come to life and have sex with. I n I know that you said that. But it's part of the traditional snowman look, isn't it? I put the t I put a top hat on him, I put a corncob pipe in his face. And then I was like, Well, you know what we're top this You know what would top this off?

is uh is a scarf and the only one we had was the one in the in the hallway. So I wrapped that around him and wouldn't you know it, he he came to life but being as he's just sort of three balls stacked on top of each other, it was a sort of He's a sort of horrifying flesh golem out there and of course he was extremely sexual. Right, okay, so that's him I can hear sort of banging on the door with Yeah he's with Barely contained lust. Yeah, so I've sort of barricaded myself in here now.

Okay. And of course now I mean you're in you're trapped in here with me now as well. That snowman is Right, he's not going away. Okay, all right. Well Maybe if maybe if we I mean maybe if we lie low for a few hours he'll he'll go away. Yeah, I think I've got a hairdryer down here. We'll we'll sort of

Yeah. Yeah, maybe he'll melt in the hallway. Yeah. Well what are we gonna what are we gonna do for what are we gonna do for a couple of hours? Well, I suggest we channel our fear into a recap of Netflix's new Christmas film, Hot Frosty. Oh, okay. Yeah, that'll pass the time until he breaks down the door and wins us over with his piercing black eyes, I guess,'cause they they were coal. Coal black eyes. Yes, with his piercing coal black eyes. Like a shark.

We'll be powerless to resist Luke. I'm telling you now, we'll be powerless to resist well until we're seduced by uh our own snowman. Let's hear the story. Of uh a snowman that I suppose is sort of nominally sexy. Um let's hear the trailer. Let's hear the trailer. It feels amazing! Excuse me. This is Jack. I was a snowman. That's not good. The coveralls and the boots. Did you steal them? Man went streaking in front of poor Ethel Jenny.

Okay, Andy, anything you wanna say up top about Hot Frosty, the story of uh a snowman who comes to life? Um And and and his And romance's Lacey Shabert. Yeah. Um Okay, well the most obvious point of comparison for this film is the film we did last Christmas on the podcast. Um a very sexual nutcracker. What was it called?

A very nutty Christmas. A very nutty Christmas, yes. Um I thought this film was better than a very nutty Christmas. I think you're out of your damn mind. Um I I preferred a very nutty Christmas. Really? Yeah. I thought this film was um objectionably chase. I was so you wanted to see them. Uh yes, Andy, in hot frosty, the premise of which is what if a hot

Sexy snowman came to life and romanced you at Christmas. Yeah, I would quite like it if it ever got a little bit more steamy than like they share a little kiss and then he starts sweating profusely. Yeah, I would like it actually. If it w if it could just be like

Slightly more steamy than that. It's oh right. Well it can't be steamy'cause he'd melt. W okay, right. Well this is a problem. This so there are there are a number of problems with this with this film. Number one, there is, unfortunately, no plot. That wouldn't be a problem if There were an awful lot of snowman sex scenes. But there aren't sex scenes. But there aren't.

I just okay, I just watched the other night um Red, White, and Royal Blue. Have you heard of this movie? No. Okay. It's a movie that kind of has this sort of Hallmark Christmas TV movie energy, but it's about the President's son having a first kid. The first the first kid, except he's the first boy. The first man. Botus, the boy of the United States. Having a

Uh gay romance with the Prince of England. Okay. Yeah, so so like a compl a sort of typically hat stand hallmark kind of Christmas princy sort of concept. But it managed to be pretty steamy and enjoyable. So I feel like hot frosty in comparison is just So unbelievably chase. It's like, what are we doing here? Well, I mean I think I think there's a good reason for it, and we'll get into it as we go on. I think there is a very good reason why they don't show any snowman's example.

Apart I mean apart from the obvious. We'll get to it. Yeah, we'll get to it. Yeah, we'll get to it. So so that's so that's also at the end of the at the end of this recap, I would like to return. Two whether we think hot frosty is a good name for this movie. Oh yeah, I would like to. Okay. Yeah. Yes. As opposed to Jacked Frost. Or snowballs or snow snow plowed. Or any of the any of the many other fine type. How about this? Jacked Frosty colon hung from the fireplace. Brackets, snowballs.

Okay. So um the that one problem I think is that I th I find this movie frustratingly chaste. It's rated P Gh for pretty girthy brackets the snowman is. And Okay, the other problem Pretty Jacks with a G. Yeah, the other problem, which I know that you also identified, is that the sexual snowman, unfortunately, has the mind of a child in this one.

Which makes any romance feel inherently problematic and odd and very, very strange. It's like how can I put this if you haven't seen the film? It's like the movie Elf. If everyone was trying to bang elf. Yeah, if everyone was like constantly looking at his like dick basket and being like.

Love to get some of that elf D. Yeah, yeah, I'd like to You know if to climb him like a Christmas tree. I'd like to get this elf off a shelf. It reminded me of nothing so much as the twenty twenty three Yorgos Lanthemos film, Poor Things. Uh in which um Uh Emma Stone has uh the mind of a child and yet spends the entire thing having sex with Mark Ruffalo um in extremely graphic sex scenes.

Yeah. It reminded me quite a lot of that and I came out of that film thinking it was quite distasteful. Okay. Um well yes, I I s I similarly found hot frosty to be quite I wouldn't say distasteful because again, nothing happens. It's like it's fine to have a character with the mind of a child if all they do is like

drink hot chocolate and spin around. Yeah. But you know And everyone is like stroking their abs and stuff. Yeah what I would love is for this is for Frosty to not have the mind of a child. And to sort of be a a romantic figure in some kind of even barely sexually magnetic way. What are we doing? That's why the sexual nutcracker was was good, because he was an adult.

Yeah. Who had like a career in the military and sort of his own life experiences and stuff, whereas Hoffrosty is yeah, he's a he's a child with an eight pack. He was from the nutcrack. Yeah. So you know, many of his points of reference were were bizarre and he had an odd worldview, but it was the worldview of a grown adult from the ballot. Yeah. Yeah. Who understood what things were. Yeah. And was able to consent to kissing Melissa Jonathan.

Okay. So anyway, I think it I think this whole film is basically sort of cowardice. It's like, what are we doing here if they're not gonna actually sort of do it? Uh-huh. I don't know. Um, okay. The only other note I have is Nutcracker Snowman were inching closer to a TV movie where That has to exist already, surely. I mean I'm sure it exists, but probably not surely probably not one that we're gonna do on the podcast.

Okay. You never know, we're gonna run out of decomms eventually. Let's get let's get into the recap.

Okay, we open on a snowman's hat blowing through a snowy city street. Uhhuh. Um, a narrator tells us that since the dawn of time, Christmas fairy tales have often included the wonder of a snowman coming to life. No they haven't, I've written down. Yeah, I've written I can think of Frosty.

And Frozen. And the snowman. Any others? Oh, the snowman. There you go. Yeah, but I I don't think any of those would count as since the dawn of time. No. Since the since nineteen eighty three. Since nineteen eighty. Christmas fairy tales have often included the wonder of a snowman coming to life. As if that's a special treat. Since 1983. Three films have been made about a snowman coming to life.

Four. And then now here's another one. A top hat the top hat lands on the snowman and gets blown off and then is crushed by a car and uh the narration says those fairy tales have never been told like this. And then um we're like, Oh here we go, we're about to like cut into some sort of rocking Christmas scene. Yeah. Um but what we're about to cut to full snowman sex.

But Yeah, what we actually see is uh Lacey Shabert's depressing house. Yeah, they've never been told this depressingly and chastely. This is somehow more chaste than the snowman. So it's juxtaposed. There's a a Christmas house decorated for the holidays. Um, but then an alarm starts going off and the camera whips to the house next door which isn't decorated, and its occupant is smashing the alarm clock. Uh the radio springs to life and says it's another beautiful morning here in Hope Springs

Grab the kiddos and head down to the annual snow sculpture competition. Yes, it's starting now. Important foreshadowing. But there's nothing holly or jolly about the life of this woman. Her name is Kathy, and she's played by Andy. Lacey Chabert, the uh actor who you may know from Mean Girls. From Mean Girls and also Gretchen Wieners. Yeah, she's many uh she's in many other similar Christmas movies. Um her house is cold and joyless, the heating's out, there's a hole in her staircase.

Uh call repair man, says a post-it. The ceiling is leaking. This is a woman whose life is spiralling out of control, her house seems to say. Yeah. Uh takeaway boxes litter the kitchen. The language of cinema tells us this woman badly needs a sexual snowman to plough her drive. If you know what I mean. Uh she puts on a coat and throws the blanket down that uh next to a black and white photo.

Of her and a man who looks like an evil magician. Possibly his name is Mentok the Mind Taker. Yeah, he does look like Mentok the Mind. So the it's a black and white photo. Um the man is clearly not a sexual snowman come to life, so I really don't care and I don't know why this film's wasting my time. A dead husband, the film seems to say, but I feel like

In this now journeying planeswalking through existence, unfortunately, so he is gone. I don't think that when your spouse dies you have to go and have all your uh photos of the two of you together reprinted in black and white. No, you do. And you have to use a Sharpie to draw a veil out onto yourself.

Okay, fair enough. I didn't realise. Uh so this movie is um flirting with that classic Hallmark Christmas misogyny early doors, because as you've probably guessed, this woman is too busy chasing a career to keep her house in good order and eat well and celebrate Christmas and make love to a snowman. Like a good American. Instead, she's busy uh chasing chasing chasing the the dollar at Kathy's cafe.

Um a cafe that she runs. Kathy's Cafe is spelt with K's like it's a Mortal Kombat game mode. Cathy's Cafe. It's like yeah, it's like the museum mode where you can look at concept art and say Yeah, so inside her cafe it is decorated with early sketches of Johnny Cage and Scorpion and Liu Kang. Uh we see Hope Springs. It's a kind of whimsical Christmas town. The camera pans across the sign for the annual Hope Springs snow sculpture competition, a Hope Springs community tradition, it says.

Um, Kathy gets out of her small bad car, but she still has a smile and a good morning for a stranger. Uh this is a woman suffering hardships but who never lets it affect the way she treats other people, the film seems to say. Um, the cookie

is a man called Isaac. He's making breakfast in back. Like all supporting characters in these sorts of films, he has absolutely nothing going on in his own life. And as soon as Kathy walks in, his only his only concern is to check if she's okay and help her any way he can. Half the kitchen's food prep counter is taken up by an awkwardly placed sign that says, This kitchen is seasoned with love. So there's no room to actually make food.

But fine. The sign stays, Isaac. Work around it. We see her in the diner, greeting folks. Um, it seems popular. She knows everyone and is beloved. A woman comes in with her daughter who asks after chocolate chip pancake. They're usually for Sunday brunch.

But I'll make them for you if your mum says it's okay, says Kathy. So she's nice and she's beloved. Yep, we see um we see the cafe it's so bustling and and busy, it's very successful. A plate of bone-dry waffles is placed in front of a happy punter. The waffles are so Ostentatiously dry. That I honestly thought. And this is this is going back to my early notes, where I still had faith that this was going to turn into a sort of raunchy

Snowman Bangfest. I honestly thought that maybe this shot was setting it up for later, the sexual snowman, to like splurge maple syrup all over some pancakes and be like All over his abs and drip them down onto the waffles. Rub waffles all over himself or something. Like they that's how ostentatiously dry and unappetizing these waffles are, but it's it none of what I said is going to come to pass. They're just bad waffles.

Um we see some of the snow sculpture competition happening. There's uh cartoon faces. Your traditional three ball snowmen. Crucially none of them look as if they're made of actual snow. No, um I'm dismayed to say that almost everyone in town is cheating at the snow sculpture competition. They've all heard statues. Yeah, they've just got like big polished Irene sculptures. They practically like squeak as they sort of move in the breeze.

They couldn't look they look so bad. They couldn't look faker. They couldn't look faker. Yeah. It's distressing that everyone has taken this beloved's community tradition. And perverted it in this way. I know. I can only assume that the judge has some kind of visual impairment that everyone's taking advantage of or something.

Did you notice that the all the branding for Kathy's cafe seems to be like motorsport themed for some reason? I did. It's like there's a checkered f checkered flag and like chrome bumpers and stuff all over it, but it's just It's a normal diner run by a woman who seems to have no interest in the interest in but yeah, yeah. So Well maybe in an early draft she was gonna sort of take Hot Frosty down to the drag strip or something. She was gonna have sex with a car that c turned into a man instead.

Well I mean whatever. You could you could make hot rod. Yeah, you could make any change to this film and I would approve it. Yes. Um So Kathy moves amongst the people, everyone pauses their lives to say hi and that they love her enough over to help her. Uh she goes across to a shop that is called Reclaimed Rags. By Mel and Theo, which is maybe the worst name for a shop ever.

Yeah, it's a s it's a it's a vintage clothing store. The people inside Mel and Theo, she's bought them some food, so nice is she. Mm-hmm. I figured you might be so busy with the snow sculpture competition you wouldn't have time for lunch, she says of these people who aren't at the snow sculpture competition.

And they're just hanging out in their vintage clothing store that they work in. She tells Theo that his sandwich has a quote disgusting amount of mayo. Uh Theo says the word turkey like a doom metal vocalist and wanders off. Um the visit the purpose of this visit is really for Mel to ask how are you doing? So we can get a Kathy backstory drop.

Um and presumably find out how she escaped the clutches of Mentok the Mind Taker. Yeah, she was able to kill him by tricking him into claiming that the powers of a genie were greater than his own. And thus was he trapped in a lamp. She held up a mirror and his hypnotizing eye beams were reflected back into his own eyes. He was turned to stone. Okay. Yeah, um Mel and Kathy are talking.

Mel repays the kindness that Cathy has shown bringing them sandwiches by giving her a bolla king for being single. Yeah. Then she tells the world's worst story. about how one day she went out wearing a red scarf and she went to the pub and she met someone. Yep. And she loved them. Good story. Well she she says that her mum gave her the advice, you'll never find the warmth unless you venture out into the cold.

Thanks for watching. Out into the cold implies you're already warm. Yes. And Yes. But then she says, Yes, well one Christmas I did just that. I went to the local pub and met a man. So her mum's advice was go outside. Her mum's advice I think was like can you get the f out of my house? Just meet go and meet a man and leave my house. Yeah. You're thirty six years old. So yeah so the the red scarf

Sort of immaterial to this story, but it is going to achieve massive significance. Let's let's hear what happens. The second I saw it, I knew it had come to me for a reason. And then you walked in. It's very sweet. But I really don't need it. Good things come to you when you're out in the cold, Kathy.

Oh my god, you're right. So Cassie goes to consider the snow sculptures. There are three snowmen in a row. There isn't much to be a sort of thing. Snow sculpt the snow sculpture area is a sort of Long traffic island between two main roads.

Like if you want to part if you want to partake in this competition you're gonna have to like run across traffic to the middle of a round of traffic traffic to the traffic island where a bunch of fiberglass sculptures are. So these three snowmen They're pretty similar, except that the middle one is a nude sculpture of a shredded human man in like a sort of classical

Um Michelangelo's David style. Yeah. Um his powerful buttocks thrust out of a mound of snow that's chiseled to look like rocks. I kinda thought this was a competition that children Yeah, it's for the local kids. Yeah. Extreme Michelangelo. Michelangelo Jones, he's really into it. This uh sexual hunk snowman is the only one that has no scarf. Um it also has no legs. Yep. Fine.

Uh huh. Kathy looks at this hunk snowman and she says, Clearly you've been doing your push-ups, and then she says, You know what? Wraps the scarf around him and says, You keep it, um, staring directly at his snowman dick. Yeah, the long bit of the scarf hangs down over its manhood. Uh huh. And at this point I was like, Good, they've got to the sexual snowman early, we're like eight minutes in or something, and we're already doing some sort of Austin Powers hide his junk.

Yeah. I'm like, good, this movie is going to be It's gonna be a raunchy sex comedy from this point of view. A raunchy snowman sex comedy. But it's not going to be that. No. I would also like to point out that this sexual snowman is directly opposite Mel and Theo's. If I gave someone a And they went, Oh thanks for the scarf and then I watched them through my shop window walk across to the traffic island, put it on a snowman, and then just off.

I'll be like Oh great. Thanks a lot. That snowman had better be about to come to life. Yeah. And rail you for the rest of this movie. But I if I'm like Oh hey Luke, um I got you I got you this uh this cool jacket for Christmas. Yeah, yeah. Um you know you can wear that now if you want,'cause it's cold and stuff. Uh yeah, yeah, no, I'll I'll put it on now. Anyway, I'll see you later. Oh, what's this? Cool. A lamppost. I'll just drape it around the lamp post. This lamppost looked cold.

Of course then the slam post comes to life and it's a Yeah. So you keep it. She says to the snowman of the scarf and the Uh she takes a photo and when she takes the photo there is a magical sound and a little twinkle in the snowman's eye. We cut too much later that night.

There is a swirl of snow and we see the silhouette of the snowman start to move. Yes. He creaks and he suddenly comes to life. We see his shadow, it is a man's. Uh he is nude. He looks Weird, like all blue and sh Yeah, uh yeah, because he's sort of an iceman. Yeah. I was wondering are they gonna commit to this sort of blue Mr Freeze kind of visual style the whole way through? But they don't.

You probably if you watch uh Shits Creek, which many, many people did, you'll recognise the sexual snowman. It's Dustin Milligan, who is Ted in that show. Pretty major role. Yep. Um The Scarf is still swinging over his front part. Uh down almost to the ground. It appears to be glued to his penis. Yes. Well I imagine that his penis would have frozen to the scarf. I see. Uh like when you lick a lamppost. As I did after I placed my jacket.

So his his penis was noticeably moister than the rest of him and that froze the scarf. That w makes sense. You've got to agree that makes sense. Yeah. Um so yeah. So so he's like he sees an advert. The advert is an advert that shows people wearing winter clothes. He then mimics it.

By pushing the scarf over his shoulder, freeing his manhood. Exposing his exposing his penis his snow penis and snow testicles. Uh huh. Um no one in the advert that he was looking at is wearing a scarf like this, and they're not naked, so I don't know exactly how he's kind of mimicking it, but he sort of looks at it and goes, Ah, I see, and then frees his penis and balls. Well, this is probably the time to get into it. Like the snowman that he was created from had no body below the sort of

Uh belt line. Yeah. Essentially. Yeah, sure. So So whatever magic this is had to create his lower body from whole cloth. Well does it does it know? Does it know? Yeah. What a man's supposed to look like down there. Is it like an AI situation where it's inferring what it should look like? Oh right. So you think like from the rest of the boy? You think maybe his penis has too many fingers. Um I I think we have to infer that the magic sort of it like comes from Kathy.

Cause it's when she looks at it and takes a photo. Okay. So I think she's taking a sort of attractive photo of the snowman. Right. And so that's the point at which the magic is like, now to make. this w this woman's perfect man. Okay. I mean, we never find out. Oh, he might he could genuinely be sort of icy Ken Smooth down there and the events. He it could be a carrot. It's probably a car. It could be a carrot and two lobs of coal.

The events of the movie. If if his genitals were a carrot and two lumps of coal, it wouldn't affect what happens in this film at all, which tells you everything you need to know about how cowardly the movie Hot Frosty turns out to ultimately be. Well the next thing that happens is an elderly couple are walking their dog. Uh the snowman says hi to them nudely. And the man of the couple fo is so shocked by what he sees in the groin area of the snowman that he falls backwards into a snowbank.

So maybe he's like holy holy sh that's a carrot and two lumps of coal instead of a penis. I don't know though, because his wife, the elderly lady who's his wife, is like Ooh you know, she's she's really into it. She's sort of Maybe she likes carrots. Maybe, yeah. And Cole. Maybe she maybe she's a a rabbit who took or turned into a woman. Yeah, when someone put their scarf on her. Yeah. Every other person in this town is an inanimate object that had a scarf put on it.

Um so he sort of starts touching his body, starting with his nipples. Um but then when the this couple spot him, he runs. Yeah. The f snowman runs away and he comes to the reclaimed rag store, he falls through the window, smashing it, and steals a denim cut-off. Set of overalls that have a name badge on them that says Jack and some boots. Uh-huh. Um and later we see Kathy, I suppose the next day, we see Kathy parking up outside her cafe where she spots.

Who's who oh I guess we'll call Jack from this point on. Yeah. Um she spots Jack speaking with the snowmen. I'm not cold, he says in reply to her questioning. He says I feel good. Yeah. He's he's talking to the other snowmen about how he came to life and he's like It's amazing and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you. And then he tells Kathy, I was made of snow and now I'm not.

Can you believe it? And she says no, I don't I don't believe it. I don't believe it. At this point while they're chatting, did you spot that the subtitles at one point read Snowman Grunts Contentedly? It is, yeah. Although in my notes it seems to have auto corrected to Snowman Fruits contentedly, which I wasn't sure what that meant. So I'm glad that you've said that. Um

Kathy says, I have a diner, why don't you come inside? I'll get you some food. Yeah. And the snowman's like, Wow, I've never had food. That sounds great. Oh yeah. She leads him in. Oh boy, what is a food? What is food? Yeah, it's a good thing. The snowman has a personality of yeah, yeah.

Oh there's no simpler way to say it than he just has like the the mind of an infant. He's sort of completely new to the world. Well, I mean he's literally a new he's newborn. He was like a snowman. Yeah. A non sentient snowman a six hours ago and now he's a person. Yeah, but he's not like an he's not like a newborn baby. He's like he's not like I can't talk and I'm pooping out my cone or whatever. It's like he sh I mean he should he should

That would be fancy. He's just rolling around. Can't can't walk or stand up. He can't open his eyes yet. Lacey Chavert is like, oh yeah. Time to get me some of this sexual snowman action he's actually. Inside the cafe, she leaves uh Jack at the bar and she goes to talk to Isaac.

Um, she tells Isaac that she couldn't just leave him out there. Isaac offers to call the police on this man who was outside and is now inside a cafe, having like committed absolutely no crime or done anything weird. Yeah. And Kathy really, really doesn't like the sound of that. She says that the local sheriff, one Sheriff Hunter, uh uh arrested someone at the movies things for opening candy too loudly.

Yes. We're getting a picture of the sheriff as being a a sort of overreacting, overreaching sheriff. We cut to him. Yeah. He's played by um the guy who plays Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, on Brooklyn Nine Nine. Yep. Uh Craig Robinson. And his deputy is Deputy Sha. Who is also from Brooklyn nine nine? It's uh Charles Boyle. Joe Latrulio. Um possibly a D comrade. We have to assume, yes. They're investigating the smash and grab at uh Mel and Theo's vintage clothing store. Um

Sheriff Hunter is like I failed in my vow to protect and serve this town. I'm going to establish a task force and Mel and Theo are like No, we think it's good that our shop was broken into. We're glad all the stuff was stolen and we hated that glass anyway. Yeah. And he's like, No, no, I will bring the perpetrator to justice. Yeah. Oh, he should keep the d galoshes, says Theo to the fleeing deputy shack.

I think this is a decent enough time. I know they've only just been introduced, but like how do you feel about the c characters of the of the cops generally? Well, I mean this film needed some sort of thing. Peril. Needed something. Conflict. It needed something. Yeah. Yeah. But it so they've got this this like uh overreaching sheriff character.

And his deputy who's nice actually and just tries to rein him in all the time. So yeah, it's it doesn't I don't think it works particularly well. I think they're like They're charismatic actors and they're funny. Yeah. And so whenever they turn up, I'm like, oh I can enjoy a little bit of sheriff antics now. But I don't think they d they do much for the plot or the movie at all. I feel exactly the same way. I think that whenever they're on screen, they're

sort of doing some comedy bits and improv, obviously both of them very like experienced and and funny actors. And their scenes like are pretty good. I chuckled a few times. But like every scene that they're in is a scene that like could be about a snowman who's come to life. Could be an upsetting sex scene featuring a snowman.

Their their comedy is not all to it's not terrible, like and so I don't wanna I I don't want the listener to to come out thinking that I I found this film like unfunny, because I didn't find it unfunny. I just funny and the funniness was like here's these two sort of comic relief cops.

Rather than like any humor that derives from the sitcom premise of a snowman who's come to life. A sexual snowman, yeah. A sexual snowman. Yeah, it's like it didn't have confidence in its own premise, so it just sort of through to the comedy cops. Yeah. Every now and again. Or like maybe there was an early draft of this movie where it was a lot more erotic, but like Netflix got cold feet, which incidentally is what Of Frosty calls for is is into.

But um so uh yeah, like Netflix got cold feet and then they were like, Well, okay, let's just replace every sort of love making scene with Some like that. buddy cop comedy and that's what they've done. Yeah, I mean that's that's as plausible as anything. Um the the scene that follows this is sort of um we don't need to go into details on it, but it's basically Kathy

And Jack the snowman kind of establishing a rapport. She dubs him Jack because of the name on the overalls. She asks about what the last thing he remembers was, and he says, Oh, you were staring at me and putting a scarf on. I think that's what brought me to life. And and and then you flashed a light in my face?

Okay. Is this a prank? I get it. Okay, fine, I get it. Yeah, you built a snowman that looks like you and and and is that what this is? I feel strange. How did you know I took that photo? Were you following me? Is this part of the joke? I feel hot. Really hot? No, really cold. So Jack feels really cold, as in when you put your hands on him he's ice cold. I mean, what could be sexier? Um Yeah. She resolves to take him across the street to a doctor.

Uh so Kathy uh takes him across. We cut briefly back to the police station, where Sheriff Hunter is playing a song about keeping the peace in Hope Springs on a very cool electric piano. As a like a sidebar. Yeah. I could not place when this film is supposed to be set. Right. Yes. Because like a lot of like a lot of the cars are like nineteen seventies cars. Yeah. People are using like clamshell flip phones.

Um there's like really old looking computers but then like people are buying stuff on the internet and Yeah. And th this electric piano is like from the seventies. Yeah, and the cops uh the cops have like big aviator sunglasses, they look like seventies cops. Yeah but then I don't know. Like there's yeah, there's a lot of other like modern technology in it. It's all over the place.

I guess it's just like whatever they could lay their hands on sort of in the in the thirty seconds before cameras started rolling. A report of another crime has come in uh to the cop. Uh streaking, a man running nude at 1 a.m. Um, and the sheriff is like, Man, six weeks before my re-election as sheriff, we have a crime spree on our hands.

I need to I need to catch this perpetrator and I need to do it first. Yeah. Sheriff Hunter says that he defines himself as being hard on crime. Uh and I and I wait patiently for the follow up line and now it seems I have a hard on crime. But But it never arrives. Because again. Hot Frosty d sort of is unable to get aroused. Because his his genitals are a a mid journey nightmare. Okay.

Um he believes that this crime spree is is some kind of conspiracy launch by the mayor, as you said, Andy. Yeah. Uh and we cut to the doctors for a scene so wild it puts the bit where a snowman comes to life and runs around with his penis and balls out. Thoroughly to shame. Yeah. So at the doctor's office, the doctor walks in. What's the Ugh she says, seeing this sexual hunk. Yeah. In her examination room. This sexual hunk snowman, like obviously the dude is shredded, very attractive actor.

But like he's sitting on the doctor's bed, like swinging his legs like a like a little boy. Like a little boy does. And he says, I was a snowman He goes yeah, during this examination he goes and sits at the kids' table and starts drawing with crayons and they're all like, Oh So Kathy explains like his psychosis to uh to the doctor. Jack is all cheery about it. And he's he's very cold. Mm. He says he has no memories. I was a snowman, he says.

Um she takes his temperature. Uh she's like, Oh this thermometer must be broken um because this is a physically impossible temperature. I'll go and get the a mechanical uh one, uh you know, a mercury thermometer. You know, that can't go wrong. Um she tests with that. Both of them say he's below thirty degrees.

Yeah, he's ice cold but appears to be sweating. Uh maybe he's melting, jokes Kathy. Uh and then the doctor raises her eyebrows in approval of this diagnosis. Yeah. Uh maybe he's telling the truth. This doctor says. And Kathy says, Yeah, right, and I'm the Queen of Aldovia, which is you'll remember as the constitutional monarchy from Christmas Prince, etc. So well done, Netflix. Tick. Yep. Shared universe. Yep. Good job. And then the doctor says, and I wrote this down for Batum.

She says to Kathy, who's brought this man into her surgery, look. Everything about Christmas, Santa, elves, flying reindeer, the scientist in me knows they shouldn't exist. But wouldn't the world be a little bit better if they did? Yeah, this is the point you start sort of backing away from the doctor. This is the point at which you check the fine prints on the medical license on the wall.

Cause on the one hand I know what she means, but also the world would be a worse place if doctors believed snowmen came to life, wouldn't it? Because Well then she goes on to say, What's the simplest explanation? That he's a drifter with amnesia, then what's became of the snowman? Answer that answer that. And Kathy's He probably kicked it down. He probably kicked it down because he's insane. 'Cause he's an insane drifter. Well that means the doctor's like

Shut up, Kathy. And then walks up to Jack and says, Hey hot stuff, how would you like to live with me? I can take care of you as a medical professional. She says, sort of are you fing him? Yeah. Jack Says like Jack says like a sort of little child would

I want to stay with Kathy. Uh-huh. He says, I trust her. Uh the doctor snaps at him that this is impossible, sensing her sexual live in snowman drifting away from her. Yeah, this woman can barely take care of herself, says the doc. Um the claws are out. Yeah. But Jack trusts uh Kathy because she put the scarf on him and that's what's keeping him alive, he's pretty sure. In case you're wondering that uh like whether this doctor was a sort of villain, the doctor is Kathy's best friend.

But she was so aroused is she by this sexual hunk. She's throwing all away. She's burning every bridge. Oh. Um Jack uh is like, uh, thank you, I love you and then he holds up a picture he drew in crayon of a snowman. Um I've written He is a toddler, this is wrong. Yeah. Um he yeah, he says, Thank you, I love you. This is the first point where I've written, Is it going to be a problem that Jack the sexual snowman has the mind of a child? Um the answer is yes is the answer.

So they go home, they go back to Kathy's house because Jack is now going to live with Kathy. Yes. Uh indefinitely. I was waiting for a line that's like At least until we figure out what's going on, you know, like who you are or where you've come from. Yeah, or not a day after Christmas Eve or or something. I know you've moved in indefinitely, so

Fine. Uh they turn on the T V, uh it's Netflix of course, and they're watching Falling for Christmas starring Lindsay Lohan. Yes, the Lindsay Lohan amnesia movie. Um Kathy says that looks like a girl I went to high school, confirming that this is canonically Gretchen Wieners from Who has changed her name to Kathy for some reason. Well, probably'cause her name was Gretchen Wieners. Yeah, that's a fair point. Um, a cooking show comes on T V.

This is what you do, says uh Jack the snowman. And Kathy gives the tragic backstory about how her and Mentok the Mine Taker opened Kathy's cafe together. Uh and Kathy used to help the chef all the time. Um she even wrote some recipes, a sweet potato casserole she'd make every Xmas Eve. Will she make that in this film? Probably you think. But but she never gets around to it. Yeah, don't bother filing that away. She never gets around to it because she's too busy

Uh looks around on the floor for plot of hot frosty. Oh wait, sorry, there's nothing here. There's oh there's an extremely extended cooking sequence later where her and Frosty go into the kitchen to make Pizza Pizzas. So okay. So J Jack Hot Frosty. Uh he's he decides then and there that he wants to be a chef like she is. I want to help people like you do, he says childishly. Uh-huh. Um she leaves and he says

I love this house and I love you. Yes I do. I love you. Um Cathy tells him you can't go around telling people you love them because it doesn't make it special anymore. You don't just love someone right away. And Jack's face falls, he's like. Explaining love to this like riffling Adonis in her kitchen. It's so

So weird. It's like one of the gladiators came round to your house. It's just a nude a nude nitro is stood in your lounge and you're like if steel came from gladiators came round to your house

And said, Can I have a banana? And you offered Steel a banana, but you peeled it a bit first. And then he threw a toddler tantrum because he wanted to peel it. Okay. And like that's what this is like. He sort of crystal You just told Steele that he can't watch Peppa Pig'cause it's not downloaded and you're in the car and he's like And probably he wouldn't want to have sex with him after that. No. Even though he is outwardly an adult man. Yeah. That would probably uh probably overrule it. Yeah.

So Jack says sorry for saying that he loves her so much. Um which again, remember, she doesn't believe he's a snowman come to life. What does she think? He thinks he's a drifter without me. Without Neasy who's like, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love your house, I love you. And then she's like, Well, the sensible thing to do is to leave him alone in my home. Leave him alone in my home with all my things. Um Yeah. So Jack apologizes, but before Kathy leaves he says

that it's very hot in here. Um and they turn off the space heater to stop him melting because he's getting all sort of sweaty. He he frequently gets sweaty in this whenever he whenever he's like slightly hot. 'Cause he starts to melt. Again, what could be sexier whenever he gets slightly hot? He's stu and it's not like it's not like Sexy sweating. It's like he's got the flu. He sort of looks pallid and

Sort of Yeah, it's just sort of like r running off him like uh all clammy and weird. Yeah, clammy as they were pale and clammy. Yeah, he gets all like and he's got long hair, so it gets all like lank and It's not it's not attractive though. So like he ha he melted 'Cause he starts melting when he gets too hot, but he has l he like has literal skin, right? Yeah. He's literally got like a circulatory system, presumably. Well I guess, but he's very vascular.

I mean you can see all his like tummy veins and stuff when he's like running around. We can be sure that the blood is pumping. Um the blood is going places. But but we don't know like But not the right places. Not the right places. But yeah, we don't know what's going on. Like, does he have lungs? He must have lungs. Yeah, well he's breathe he's breathing. He's breathing. We see him breathing. Yeah. But maybe it's just for show. We never see him be like attemptedly suffocated.

So wait, actually I think we do see him attemptedly suffocate. Oh, okay. You're right, no, we never see him go to the toilet. What ha what what would that be? No. A we a weird omission.'Cause he does eat human food. He eats pizza later. So what comes out Yeah, but would he I mean if he he's like sharp frozen pizza poo. Sorry. I wish I hadn't said that. Oh but he's he they said he's minus thirty degrees, and this is America, so that's Fahrenheit. So that's like minus thirty four degrees Celsius.

So any liquid in his body would be frozen solid. Oh my god. He couldn't expel liquid urine. Wait, he's like he's like thirty below zero. That's what the doctor said. He's minus thirty on both the thermometers. What? Okay, so you couldn't-

You couldn't touch you would stick to him if you touched him, right? You're like Yeah, you would be like the T one thousand, your fingers would break off. Yeah, it would be like on the like those sort of Antarctic expeditions where like if you touch the mast of the ship you lose your fingerprints. Yeah, if Kathy like lent in for a kiss, her lips would come off pulled away. Lips would come cleanly away.

It's like again, they're like, Oh, I know it would be pretty ribbold. What if uh a snowman came to life and then under the merest examination it turns into like the least sexy concept you can imagine? Because for some reasonably if he went to the bathroom he would just extrude a long piss icicle. They would then just shatter on the floor or fire it at great volume into the toilet bowl. Like sub zero. Yeah, definitely. Probably his feces would explode upon hitting room temperature water.

Don't call him a boiling stick. Look look, we all knew we all knew this podcast would become this sooner or later. We all knew hot frosty. We knew this would be a deep dive on the biological functions of the sexual snowman. But don't worry. I'm actually not worried about the pace that we're setting because there's like nothing's gonna happen.

So Yeah, so it carries on. There's a a brief scene of of the cops at the diner, like um looking for clues about the about the perpetrator of the window breaking and the and the the new running. We get a montage of Frost uh Jack at home watching TV. He's eating ice cubes. Um, he's making uh pizza. He's watching um F. W. Murnow's uh nineteen twenty two silent German expressionist vampire film, uh Nosferatu a symphony of horror. Um

So um we see him find his way to the basement of the house, where there are loads of boxed-up Christmas decorations and an unused tool bench. He finds a a an old box. of sentimental things. They are atrociously photoshopped images of Kathy and Mentoc, the mind killer. Um The Mind Taker. The Mind Taker, sorry. Um sentimental piano is playing as Hot Frosty reads through a manila folder. Uh inside there's a piece of paper in a font that's like Comic Sans but isn't and

It's it's like in in a sort of fun Christmas font it says surgery to be scheduled, chemotherapy will start immediately. So we're t it's Yeah, you wanna break the news with a fun font so it's less bad. The jazzy font. Yeah. So Mentoc clearly died of cancer. Um yeah. Kathy comes home and gets jump scared by Hot Frosty advancing on her with a rolling pin. She says that she bought him some clothes to wear. He cheerfully unzips down to the groin. Yeah. Um, we don't see anything. Uh just

So let me let me try what you expect. Let me try and say that again and sound less bitter. We don't see anything. So Shili I think it would be odd at this point. Yeah. No, I agree. Family Netflix company. I agree. And let me be absolutely clear, while I am disappointed with how chaste hot frosty the movie turns out to be, I'm not advocating for him to like for like full frontal nudity or anything. Maybe like a sort of passionate embrace.

I would settle for that. There isn't going to be one. Um so uh she asks Hot Frosty if he was streaking in the streets last night. He says yes with a big grin. Yeah. Yes, he was. Yes, yes, I did it. I love you. I was naked in the street. Yeah. Did you steal your clothes? Yes, yes. I definitely did steal those as well. Did I did I stole it. I do.

Uh w so she says that the sheriff is looking for him and we've got to keep you off of his radar. So you've got to lay low. And then he goes, Oh now and gets on the floor to literally lay low because he has the mind of a toddler. Later though, they're going to go. Come to the kitchen, he says. Um he he's been making pizza. He got the recipe off of TV. Um so if he sees anything on TV, he can instantly do it perfectly for some reason. Um he also made eggnog from a whole show about Christmas treats.

And then um she says it's weird uh that someone's making her dinner. She can't remember the last time she cooked for herself. And then We must hear this. I can't actually remember the last time. Can I ask you a question? Course, yeah. Okay, so earlier today I was checking the house for vampires. Okay. And I went downstairs. What's cancer? Okay. So well damn It's like It's like they've it's like they're pranking me and the audience. It's like, how can we make this film sarcastically unsexy?

How about this? He's got the mind of a child. How about this? He's always clammy with flu sweat. How about this? He's like every time someone touches him he feels uncomfortably cold. How about this? He has the mind of a child and you have to explain what cancer is to him. Well it was just like after he did some extremely hunky cooking, she's like wow, this is pretty sexy and he was like, Yeah and

And get this. What's cancer? Watch cancer. What can you watch cancer? Yeah. Well Pinocchio. Um she ex she explains it's a not nice thing that happens to some people. And he's like well, she says it's it's not a nice thing that happens to people. So what does that what's that mean? Is that clear? And fr yeah, Jack is like, and that's what happened to Mentoc, and she says, Yeah, it just happened so fast.

Which I'm grateful for but he'cause he didn't have to suffer. But man, you just think there's more time, she says. And I'm like, Man, this film is hot and hot and s I'm getting real unbothered. Dug on my collar. Let some of the steam out. Yeah, wow. Um, okay. So oh also I was wrong before, Andy, I'm sorry. Uh she what she says for basim is it's not a nice thing that happens to some people.

Explaining cancer. No further questions. Hot Frosty can't eat hot pizza because it will melt his mouth off his face. But he made a practice pizza earlier and put it in the fridge. But he can eat pizza. He has a stomach. He has a digestive system. Yeah. He can't eat hot pizza because it will melt his head. But he can eat pizza even.

Like dropping a hot ball bearing through like a a snowbank. It'll just like go directly through his head. Um they both reach for the pizza cutter at the same time and their hands touch Um Kathy's hand uh freezes and When she goes to take the pizza out of the oven, the oven has a post-it on it that says hot with three exclamation marks. Yeah. What's with this?

Are we to believe that Hot Frosty has put post its on things that are hot? Hot Frosty can uh can yeah, he can write. Right, he can write okay, fine. So they go back to the sofa, having had this sort of uh Blushworthy reaching for the pizza wheel moment where her hand is immediately frozen. Um they watch more TV. Hawaii is on TV and he explains that he dreams of Hawaii. Uh then he goes to hug her, she sort of

F she freezes, not like that. She's sort of more like freezes with kind of anxiety and she hates it. She says, I'm not much of a hugger. Yeah, right before this he says um he thinks they should go on vacation to Hawaii together. She says she thinks it's a bad idea because they don't know each other and he's a snowman. Um but yeah, she doesn't like this hug and uh she goes to bed. What should I do tomorrow? says Frosty. She says, Just stay in the house and lay low. So he turns on the T V.

And there's a program playing that's about how to repair Kathy's roof, um specifically, which is convenient. Yeah. Yeah. So we cut to a scene that again I find very frustrating because this movie is so chaste. But it's not so chaste that like it's a family film. This next scene is like

You would feel awkward watching this with your grandparents, probably. You would feel awkward but just this bit, just this one next scene, you would feel uncomfortable watching this with your grandparents. So we cut to

Uh a woman, sort of uh middle-aged woman who's called Jane, she's driving past the house the next day and she spots hot frosty, stripped down to the waist, hammering away at the roof as she drives past. Yeah. She crashes her car, so immediately aroused is she. Yeah. Jack the snowman is like preposterously ripped. He has like zero percent body fat. Yeah. To the point where like

You're like, is he is he all right? It's like it looks it it looks painful. It's like is it painful to be hot frosty? Yeah, it's like Well no, it just looks like it's uh I don't know. I know what you mean. It just looks like so shredded, it looks unpleasant. It looks yeah, it looks unsustainable even for a minute. Just to like exist in that body. Yeah. So Hot Frosty sees that the car has crashed and slides down the ladder like they do in Dark Souls.

uh and runs to check if she's okay. Uh she sort of openly pervs on him. This is a great shot'cause it's we see the shot is inside the car. Yeah. Um and Hot Frosty is like leaning in the window. And then she asks him a question and he straightens up and it's just his abs. That's all you can see out of the car window. Yeah, it's like delete the legs, delete the face. It's like Yeah. It's just this like

Classical Greek statue torso through the window. Uh so he says in his childlike way, want me to get behind you and push? Uh and she's like Oh frosty. So he get he And then the the music starts going bum bum so he goes He goes behind the car and sort of like crouches over the back of it as if he's starts having sex with it. He says, Are you ready for me? And then he starts

Sort of humping the car back and forth and grunting and groaning. Meanwhile in the car, Jane the woman starts moaning sexually. Um Too raunchy for PG. If the movie was like this all the way through, uh-huh, I think the movie would be better. It's what I was expecting. Yeah. But like If if it could be like this all the way through and he doesn't have the mind of a child and he doesn't have flu sweat and

He doesn't ask you what cancer is. And he doesn't ask you what cancer is. I feel like if you just take this scene in isolation, this feels kind of like the vibe I was expecting. When you drop this scene into the actual film Hot Frosty, it just feels Desperately weird and jarringly sort of purvy. Um not very PG. Uh so anyway, she says, How are you with electricity to Hot Frosty? Uh because she has a light and he asks if he can come by and hang it.

and sort of winks at the camera. He says, uh if it's on TV he can learn it. She says, uh I know Kathy, anyone welcome in her home is welcome in mine. So um we cut to this sex predator woman's house. Five older women are watching him install a light.

Uh he fits the light and it works and they all clapped. It's not what I thought you were gonna say. Yeah. Um anything else I can do for you ladies, he says. One says that her son is the principal at the middle school. They just lost their maintenance staff. And they could really use a sexual hunk to help with the Christmas dance. Yeah, they're all sort of like sinking martinis as they just sort of It's like a you know those old diet coke break appeared.

It's that exact vibe. But it's uncomfortable because he's not aware that he is a sexual hunky snowman. He's like I fixed the light. I love you. What's cancer? And they're all like take your shirt off. 1130. Dai Coke break. So Kathy's at the cafe while you put it on the table, hot Ross. But what on the table? My hot chocolate. What was the Hindenburg disaster? Well, it was a not nice thing that happened to some people. So, um...

Kathy's at the diner. She looks out the window to see Jane and all of her drunk friends giving him a lift to the diner. They're sort of honking the horn and like being like, Look, everyone, we have a sexual man in the c um And we're all doing him. Uh so at the diner, Jack catches Kathy up on his big day.

Uh then uh he grabs hold of a waitress who's passing, uh who's her name is Nicole, and he tips a glass of ice all down himself. Yeah. He pours ice cube down his shirts and starts panting and sort of pouring at himself. Yeah. Uh going like, Oh, oh, that's better. Um suddenly the cops spot him and they head into the diner to ask him some questions. Um he asked Nicole for more ice, by the way, and as they sit in a booth, Nicole brings more ice in a in a kind of ice cream Sunday glass

And then there is some comic business where Hot Frosty and Sheriff Hunter competitively eat fistfuls of ice. Yeah, they start competitively crunching down on handfuls of ice uh across from each other. They're gorging on ice, kind of locking eye contact. Yeah. Yeah. I mean this is probably the most sexually charged scene in the movie, I would say. Yeah, probably. Is it sexy? Not a bit. But but yes, you're right. At least it's got it on paper. Um So then Kathy takes

hot Frosty away, sensing that he's acting weird and incriminating. But the the sheriff is the sheriff is suspicious because Frosty was sweating through his shirt while being interrogated. Yes. Uh he thinks that's'cause he's guilty, but actually It's because uh he is a snowman. And he is actually also guilty. He's actually also guilty. Uh but yeah. He just doesn't feel guilty about it. Yeah. Because he's a child.

So um this scene ends with Deputy Schatz taking a big mouthful of ice, even though the glass was empty a second ago. Yeah. It's a outrageous continuity error. Yeah. Sure hope someone got fired over that blunder. Outside.

Kathy admonishes hot frosty for failing to keep a low profile. Um it's snowing in a lot of these scenes, and the note I have here is that the snow looks good. It's not like that kind of crappy soap or like Wizard of Oz asbestos or whatever, but it's really effing with the bitrate because like you know, in the way that like swirling snow or confetti like d hurt streamed video and it's like, come on, Netflix. Netflix.

Maybe don't fill every scene with swirling snow. With potato flakes, yeah. Um Yeah, so uh Kathy is like, you've got to lay low. Um if the sheriff catches you for your crimes, you go to jail and you'd you'd melt in there. Um he says I can't lay low because I've got a new maintenance job. Um she's like, Well you'll need to cancel and he says, No, I've promised, and I am noble. I'm just trying to help people, trying to do what you do. Yeah, they have a a a bitter argument.

Why are you so mad? I'm just trying to help people. I'm trying to do what you do. It's different. Why? Why? Why? Because I am not wanted for breaking and entering. Because I don't claim to be made of ice. A dozen reasons. I'm sorry, Kathy. I'm going to that school tomorrow. You're fine. You can go melt in a jail cell. What do I care? I've known you a day and a half. I don't know if you noticed Andy, in one of these shots it's snowing in the car.

What? No. It is, yeah, yeah. Do you want to see? Okay, so time code if you're interested in seeing it, snow in the car is thirty nine minutes twenty-four. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it's throwing inside the car. That's amazing. Oh my god. So um they have this sort of big blow up because she won't let him go and do his new job.

At the school, where I guess the headmaster doesn't care if you're a naked dude with no memories as long as you don't charge for your work. Um so uh at home, hot frosty goes upstairs to sulk and throw all of his daddies out of his bed. Um

And Kathy realizes as she walks through the house that her home has been repaired and made beautiful and Christmassy in a way that she was unable to do herself. The water bucket under the leek is gone, uh so the roof is fixed. The house has been decorated for Christmas.

She smiles, her face softens, she goes after Jack, um, but thinks again and turns out the light. She goes upstairs and sees that the broken step has also been fixed. Jack, the sexual snowman, has filled in her hole on the stairs. Sorry. So look, I'm trying to have to make my own fun. This movie is so boring. On T V, Jack is watching the twenty twenty one Netflix Christmas movie single All the Way. Starring Jennifer Coolidge. Kathy comes in and says, You fixed the roof.

Why? Yeah. But he continues to sulk because he has the mind of a child. Not how you have the mind of a child and are a sexual snowman. No, but why? Why did he say the roof? Yeah. Yeah. He's just doing what he saw on TV. He says, look, Kathy. He says he doesn't know what's happening any more than she does.

He could wake up tomorrow morning and be a puddle, he says sexily. Uh huh. Um he just wants to make the most of the time he has. This is of course a perfectly weaponized argument because husband The mind taker the mind taker died of cancer really young. Sure. Um there's conditions though, says Kathy, if you want to go and work at a school, and here I'm thinking, of course, yes. They'll probably want, for example, the social security number or the barest minimum check.

Some kind of background check to see that you're not an insane drifter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but there's none of that. She just says, Don't tell anyone you're a snowman and don't tell anyone you're wanted by the police. I mean, maybe don't let him go work at the school, bearing in mind he thinks he's a snowman and is wanted by the police. But fine. Um, so he's excited. He tries to hug her, but she's still not into hugging, so he hugs himself. Yeah.

Luke, I um I don't know if you've uh you've been into the centre of town recently. There's a nude snowman. Um he came to life and he's sort of walking around. He's got a scarf but no other clothes. And as you know, um the Dog sh emporium for sh clothes clothes down. Yeah. So I don't know where I'm gonna find him something to wear. I know, but we should get some like clothing on this snowman, did you ask?

Did you ask the snowman what his interests were? What what's he into? Well, I mean, he said his interests were mostly snow, carrots, um low temperatures. Oh, he did mention he likes Likes uh video games. Oh he knew what those are. Well, then we've got to get this snowman to insertcoinclothing.com because there he can get all sorts of incredible licenses. beautiful designs based on the video games that he loves the most.

Or that's the case, Lucas. He's he said that he likes uh Persona Five, Royal, Stray, Astrobots, um World of Warcraft, uh Life is Strange. Surely they don't have clothing covering these games. And so many many more folks you've got to go check it out. Insert coin clothing. dot com. I've got a bunch of insert coin stuff myself. I recently took to wearing one of their big ace attorney hoodies. It's just a big beautiful blue hoodie with objection written across it, which

It's quite confrontational if you don't like Ace Attorney. But if you don't like Ace Attorney, you would say. Yeah. If you don't like Ace Attorney, I wish to confront you. Well, so it's good. Insert coin have given us a code for our listeners uh to get ten percent off their online orders. Simply go to insert coin. clothing.com and use the code okay ICWieners

I C W I E N E R S. For ten percent off online orders, codes are not applicable on charity items, bundles, gift cards, postage, and some products at launch. Codes cannot be combined with other deals or promotions and are valid till the end of June 2025. That is such a good code. It works on so many levels, right? Because it's a Simpsons reference for a start. I IC is like in Wieners.

Is she's called Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls and the whole thing, the snowman's has an icy wiener. Oh my god. So it works on like four separate levels. So if that isn't enough to get you to go to insertcoinclothing.com, I don't know what is. I just I I'm worried about the day that Insertcoin realized that the codes they come up with are funnier than the ads that we that we like do to accompany them. Well we hope that day never comes, Luke. Insertcoinclothing.com I see weeness.

Um Luke I want to I want to Google sexual snowmen. Yeah. Um but I'm I'm worried I'll do it right now. Sexual Don't Gmail? Yeah, no problem, why not? Yeah. Luke attack uh attackers have stolen your internet data and now they know that you googled sexual snowmen. Oh that's been emailed to your mum. Oh Luke, you fool. I didn't want this. yourself online by using a VPN such as the one provided by NordVPN.

VPN is the actual best VPN as well. Yes. But I'm talking about a VPN that gives you safe and private access to the internet by encrypting your connection. A VPN changes your IP address and virtual location. to protect your online activity. Why didn't I think of doing that? I'm such a clown. I'm such an internet clown. If you'd used Nord before you googled Sexual Snowman, nobody would have known that you'd But now your mum is calling me and asking what the matter is and why you're Google.

Tell her dwell, you know, fob her office I'll tell her a lie. Okay, well um it's a new band that he's into. Uh hang up, all right. slash mum can't cook and use code mum On the two-year plan to protect your internet connection and privacy online. I don't think that'll excuse or holder for long. No, oh no, now my therapist is calling me my mum's about. It's just a band I'm into That's NordVPN.com forward slash

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These days,'cause as you know, there's a sexual snowman living in the house and he spends all day watching cooking shows and then making pizzas and then freezing them so he can eat them with his snowman mouth. Okay. So I need a food solution that is zero prep. Super easy and gives me balanced, healthy meals that I'll enjoy. I have got the perfect service for you, Andy. I'm talking about Factor. Let me tell you why it's so good.

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Jack looks at it for ages after she does this. Yeah. He he's delighted by the Christmas lights. Uh Kathy looks at him in loving wonder. How could this wonderful ages? How could this wonderful sexy flu sweating man have come into my life. Then we cut to Hot Frosty is just sort of like in the school and he's waving goodbye to every kid. Yeah, he's being all gregarious. And at this point

Did it take days to decorate the school for like the Christmas ball?'Cause this is like a montage that covers several days, right? In the lead up to Christmas. It's like some paper um garlands have been Yeah. Staple gun to the wall. It's more like the school sends out an email a week before being like, Hey, we need two parents to do give an hour after school to sort of Yeah. Come in and staple gun some paper chains to the wall. Yeah. Oh fine. Yeah.

Fine, whatever. So uh Kathy has a bit of a crisis though. Um She's mumbling about what the hell she's doing with this guy living with her. She mentions in the middle of this sort of introspective ramble that Hot Frosty is nice. And he's good looking. And Hot Frosty seizes on this and asks her about it, and he's once more very confused. about love. He says, Yeah but Kathy, if the whole town loves me like you say, and you're in town, then and she says, Stop.

She says Love is not in my vocabulary right now. Why? says Hot Frosty childishly. Her life is a mess right now. She hasn't been taking care of herself since Amentok the Mine Taker died, and everyone knows it. She's not convinced she can love someone right now because she's not convinced she knows how to love herself without any. Mentok's mind beams. Yeah. And Jack says, Hey, Mentoc wouldn't want this amazing person to not have sex with a sexual snowman.

What he actually says is like maybe the sort of worst dialogue in this film. Okay, fine. Uh Jack says Paul saw sorry, he the mental is called Paul. But I'll say Mentoc. Mentoc, the mind taker, saw the same amazing person that I see. And Mentoc wouldn't want this amazing person to think she is anything less than amazing.

Like that's isn't it? That's three amazings. Let's just say that this this scene definitely benefits from the poignant music that's playing. Anyway, Kathy is, needless to say, enthralled and in love. And she places a hand on his shoulder, it immediately freezes. Breaks off at the wrist. Yeah. She freezes it in front of her astonished face and starts screaming. A shower of freezing blood coats the inside of the windshield.

Hot Frosty pulls an icicle of blood out of her head and stabs it through her eye. It's pouring out of her like slushy.

Okay. So So they're driving in town. They drive past Mel and Theo's old rag emporium or whatever it's called. Old rags and sh rags bags. Featuring Melanthea. They see some glass being delivered. It's here, says Jack. He says he found a site on the computer where you can order things, so he ordered glass. This is such a complex web of concepts. Yeah. And also that we can get him looking at

Some new glass, like for a window? It's not important or like meaning like is there no is there no need to be a good thing. It's important to the film that he atones for like the two bad things he's done, one of which is showing his dick to an old woman. And one of which is breaking a window. I don't think he does tone for that first one, does he? Well no, later on we find out that she liked it. So

Right. Well then But Mel and Theo have also said that they liked it when he smashed their window. Yeah, but it it they'd still had a smashed window, so now he's atoned for that as well. So inside Melantheo's dog sh bags He confesses to them both. He says I did it, I was alone and naked. He says that he'll happily install the glass and return the clothes he stole tomorrow. Keep them, says Theo, generously. I mean you would, wouldn't you?

So you're not mad, says Hot Frosty. Nobody can be mad at Christmas, says Mel, who looks drunk. Um outside, Schatz confronts Kathy with an e fit of the streaker. It doesn't look like sexual hunk hot frosty. There's an actually good joke here. Um, she says that this E fit is based on Mortimer, the old man's description. Yeah. Um, Kathy says, What, Ethel, the old woman couldn't describe him?

And the deputy says, Oh, she could, but we needed a description of his face. Yeah, that's good. So she she described his dick in looking detail to the sketcher. He assembled it from a sort of library of library of penises. So then they could have had They could have had like a sort of lineup at the police station, but it's all just dudes with their dicks out. Yeah, you know what, like yeah.

That could be a sort of like a fun raunchy romantic scene. Lusty sex comedy f you know. Yeah. It could have a sort of fifteen rating or d anyway. Uh and again, it's like when the cops are doing their thing, it's quite funny, but y you just get the sense every time that they're there that they've just been sort of brought in to

Compensate for the fact that again, what's the plot so far? And we are like most of the way through this movie now. And what's the plot? The snowman comes to life and is living with her. And she doesn't want him to be arrested. He got a job at the school, um, staple gunning paper chains to the wall. But that's that's not the plot. That's just things. That's just a thing that's happening. Like, there's no there's no he's not you know how he melts?

There's no like timeline on it. There should like he should melt on Christmas Day or something. Like do you know what I mean? Like Yeah, or may maybe like every snowman in the competition is gonna be kicked apart by local children on like Christmas Eve. And Yeah.

And they know they'll do it to him as well for some reason. Yeah, but like there's there's no there's no peril at all. There's that there's there's like no no peril that these two like can't be together. Well the pe the peril is the is the cops and like So we don't need to go into the details, but the cops are like basically just every other scene it's the cops being a bit more suspicious of Jack. Yeah, but they're also doing like nonstop comic relief.

So it never feels like any sort of real threat. I'm not saying this movie needs to be like scary or anything, but like You know, home alone has a sort of nominal threat. What if there was a like unseasonably warm warm front moving in in two days? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, fine. So they need to th they need to find Mentok's weather machine that he was gonna gonna use to overthrow the world government. Yeah. And recalibrate it. Yeah, yeah. I dunno. Or I don't know. Or just to have

I it doesn't matter. I don't want to try and correct Hot Frosty. We get a scene here where Jack's at school, um finishing up the decorations for the dance, and he sees a couple of kids come in, and one of them awkwardly asks the other to the dance. And Jack listens in uh and smiles and looks thoughtful. Yeah, even though it's like, Why are you still in the school? You're not doing any work. You just sort of sat here listening to children. Um

At the sheriff's place there's a sort of crime wall. Sheriff Hunter is trying to put it all together, but then he says, I wish I had a picture of Jack. I don't really know why this is important. Well he's ve I think he's got like a crazy wall with all like Yeah, with all like red thread and stuff. But he doesn't know he what he just well the whole point of this character is that he's more into the sort of like TV.

cop, so he thinks it's very important to have a a crazy wall and he needs a picture of Jack to put on it. Yeah, to like put in the middle of it. Yeah. Um then Hot Frosty uh strides in asking the police for advice. He wants to talk to them about like how to ask a girl to a dance.

Yeah, I don't know why he goes to the police for this, but fine. I don't know. Uh but then Sheriff Hunter takes advantage of the situation and tricks him into taking a photo of him. Uh I'm not sure why does this turn out to be anything? No.

No, it's just a it's all runtime baby. Is this it's all going in the movie. He takes the f he takes the photo on a flip phone. So it Yeah, because this film is set in maybe the early nineties or possibly now or possibly the seventies. It's set in the year two thousand and eighteen seventy. Yeah. So outside the police station, um Deputy Sheriff Shah

Uh Jack asks him about dating and then they sort of awkwardly flirt with each other for a while. This is Jack goes like man, you're a ages. It's so long. Yeah, he d he says that he's a ten, he compliments his mustache, uh he says his lapels accentuate his lower chest. Um, and then uh they practice kissing on each other for a bit. Yeah. Um This this scene they chicken out way too early because the two of them like lean in to kiss each other.

Yeah. And then they sort of break away about ten feet away from each other. I was I was like, Oh, they're gonna actually kiss and it'll be quite funny. I th I think this movie was extensively rewritten. That's my I I could ob obviously very easily be wrong, but my feeling is that this movie sort of changed tone and was like rewritten a lot. Which which would make sense of the way that you have like these two actors playing the cops, right? Because they are sort of like established.

Grown up comedy actors. Right? Yeah. So like it would make sense to me for them to be in a a sort of like raucous raunchy feel-good Christmas comedy about a sexy snowman where there is gonna be a bit where they just sort of like make out for a while to try and like Yeah, with the sexual snowman. Yeah. That would be fine. That could be fun. Yeah, but they just sort of Yeah. Yeah. But this mo this scene is basically it ends with Deputy Schatz teaching Hot Frosty how to dance.

And uh Sheriff Hunter looks out of the window and sees them waltzing in the street and is like, Yeah, is sort of like

Yeah. So Hot Frosty goes to Kathy and nervously asks her, Will you go to the dance with me? Will you go to the children's dance at the school with me, an adult? She she she's like Uh I don't know man. Seems weird. She's like it's it's for kids. It's for children though. And then Hope Frosty lays it all on the line. He says, Kathy, let's be real. I've been trying to lie low, like you said, but for once

I just want to stand tall with you, even if it's just for one night. So weird. I just want to stand tall. That's not a thing snowmen do. I guess they do. I don't know. It's just odd it's just odd. It's so yeah. Even if it's just for one night and she relents It's a date. The music tells us that this is sweet, but so that something is going to go wrong. Yes. She asks him what he thinks about a shopping trip, and then we get a snowman makeover shopping montage. I s they honestly didn't make.

Alright, enough film because like you've just had that very, very long scene where it's all like, Oh, and these lapels, they complement your duh, yes, thank you and your mustache and blah blah blah. And then he asks to the dance and it's like, and now shall we do a shopping montage? Yes. And it's like this this film isn't this film is only like the frost.

There's just you know? Like I don't mind a f obviously I don't mind a frothy film, but there's but there's there's actually hot frothy. Hot frothy, but there's actually nothing hot or that frothy. I think there used to be seven or eight lengthy sex scenes that got cut. And like n and now they had to and so they had sort of add a load of shopping montages. And Keyboard comedy. They paid for the song Pretty Woman for this when

Can't be cheap. Yeah. But also I I didn't bother to check, but I f I feel like this might be a shop for shop recreation of the shopping montage from Pretty Woman. Oh, do you reckon? It's got the bit where she snaps the cuffling. She c she snaps the cufflink box closed on his hands and he kinda giggles like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Uh but it it wouldn't surprise me if this is a a shot for shot recreation. Got it up on YouTube.

I dunno. I'm having a hard time verifying it to be honest, because as I watch this scene of Pretty Woman, there's all sorts of things like dialogue. And like good characters and stuff. Well I can tell you there's none of that in hot frosty. Um so they pick some clothes, she buys him some snowman cufflinks. And we we cut to back home.

He's getting ready. He's like wearing a sort of tuxedo. He looks a million dollars for this again, this sort of like party for little children. Um Yeah, it's gonna be like a little buffet table with a bowl of crisps and some party rings. He's not gonna be able to wear this tux in the bounce house. Uh Uh yeah, so Kathy walks in wearing a a red dress that again is like not right for a school dancer.

Um wow, says Jack, they're just insanely overdressed. Also, Hot Frosty is going to this school dance because he's a chaperone, right? Which I mean whatever. But like if you're an adult chaperone going to a school dance, can you just bring a plus one? Grays at the crisp bowl night. At an event like this, wouldn't you? Rather just sort of like, Oh yeah.

Hey, here's that sort of drifter with amnesia with no social security. Well we'll he's my plus one. We'll just call him Jack anyway, but he can chaperone a kid, right? And he can obviously bring some other Yeah. If it helps he has the mind of a child. Um she she ties his bow tie for him um sensually because she knows how to do that. And before leaving, Hot Frosty surprises Cathy with a gift. It's the Tesseract from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Yeah, yeah.

Um it's a snowflake necklace, but it glows blue, and when he opens it it makes a shimmering alien energy sound like. Yeah. He says it's a snowflake because I'm a snowman. Um he also reveals he bought it with her money, so if she wants him to return it, it it was very expensive. Um she manages to do the most dog job of putting on this necklace. Uh it's like way off to the left.

She sucks so bad at putting on necklaces apparently, which gives him good reason to place his hands upon her decolletta. Her heart freezes in her cheeks In a way that obviously should be sexy, uh huh. But for all the reasons we've covered this. At the town.

Frosty meets the principal and the principal's daughter, he does a complex handshake with the daughter. Uh-huh. And the principal's like, I have no questions about how this relations about this relationship. Yeah. There are I counted, there are thirty-four people at the dance. So Hang on. Two is what percent of thirty four? That's about sixteen. They're like they are yeah. Six per six percent of this are like adults on a date.

So he uh oh yeah, right. So the daughter is like, Hey, are you ready for tonight? And he's like, Yes, and Kathy's like, What? What what's that all about? Yeah. There is a snowman ice sculpture, remind you of anyone you know, says Jack, pointing at it. A man comes up and says that Jack is a godsend and the kids all love him, and then Jack goes off to rub ice all over his face and Yeah, bet but the headmaster is loving this free labour. Again, taking advantage of

his child mind just be like, Hey, will you work all day at the school, sort of performing manual labour and like difficult repairs and putting up decorations and stuff? And he's like taking your shirt off. Yay, wee, I will. I just want to help people. What is money? And he's like, Great, love it. Oh, a shiny button. Hooray.

Um the boy from earlier who asked uh the girl out comes up to Jack and Jack says he's nervous as he bought a date. Nice, says the little boy. Which one? The adult, says Jack. Helpfully helpfully and dare I say Necessarily for this film necessary.

Which of these children is your date adult man? It again Oh no, no no It's not a gag. There are jokes in this film and they're funny, but this isn't one of them. Yeah. He says that one over there, the adults, and he says it in his sort of like he just says it like it's normal. This is like two films smashed together. You've got a you've got the sort of like wacky kind of comedy stylings of the two cop characters, but then whenever it's Kathy and Hot Frosty, it is just hallmark.

Straight down the line, no risks, you've seen it a million times. Like the you know, and and this is just one of those scenes they're like there's nothing knowing, there's nothing sort of fun, there's no wink to the camera, there's no this isn't like the Vanessa Hudgens sort of where they all you know swap Actually, like that's what this one should have been more like tonally. You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We can't fix hot frosty. Um

The the kid the kid wants to dance with his his date and uh Hot Frosty says, Oh, I just learned to dance. Um bring your date onto the dance floor and we'll we'll dance together and you can um see what I'm doing and copy me. So they go into the dance room and they start dancing. Um they do that. Uh it's like a kind of slow dance. Um you can hold me closer if you want.

says Kathy. Yeah. I don't want to melt. You're giving off a lot of heat right now, says Hot Frosty. I don't want to put you in danger, Kathy says breathily in a way that suggests putting him in danger is all she can think about. It's worth the risk, says Frosty. He leans in close. Their faces are an inch away from each other. What's nine eleven? he says. It doesn't say that.

Like they're sort of they're at a children's party. Can you ma can you imagine doing a worse job at chaperoning than like bringing a date and then just like Getting off with them in the middle of all the children. Well luckily nothing like that is happening because this really is just like it's like you know

You know, like sort of like kid dancing on their parents' shoes at a wedding. That is closer to the energy that this scene is giving off than like a sort of traditional kind of first date thing. It's like Because he has the mind of a child. It's so b it's no good. It's I don't know. Yeah. This is this is interrupted by like the kids all start doing a choreographed dance routine that's um

Possibly Hot Frosty has taught them that it's not a good idea. Hot Frosty organised a flash mob like it's two thousand and three and they all start But like a flash mob for no one because they're all doing it. So it's not like all thirty four people at the dance are doing it. Yeah. To an audience of zero people. Um as the kids dance, however, it becomes clear that Holf Rosty is having some kind of cardiac episode. He's he's sort of panting and sweating and his breaths are becoming laboured.

Um, Kathy catches sight of the melting snowman ice sculpture and realizes that Jack is moments from heat death. Yeah. She drags him off the dance floor, he's sopping wet and it's not sexy. He's visibly leaking. Yeah, he's visibly leaking. It's not sexy. I've written this melting thing is not working. Like let's rewrite this whole thing.

Um outside hot frosty cools down. Uh he's having a great night. Kathy is cold, so he rubs her to try and uh warm her up, but he is my minus thirty degrees, so he makes it worse. Yeah. Uh they go to kiss. But hot frosty pulls away the He says, Let's get you inside which I think are those words in the wrong order in the scripture did say let's get in the original draft they were in a different order.

Before Netflix was doubt. Kathy's confused as to why um Jack doesn't want to carry on with the kiss, but uh Jack explains. Because you know the pain of being left behind. And the more I fall in love with you. The more I know I could never hurt you like that.

Uh s I mean I guess he's dying, sort of. But he's like I don't know it's Well he could die at any point. Yep. So could we all he could accidentally he could accidentally walk past a hand dryer in a toilet. Could just like blow away his right arm. You never you never know. The next day Sheriff Hunter is pacing the streets, he passes an ATM and realizes that it has a security camera on it and it's facing bags and slop and crap. Old shitty closed crap. Mel and Theo.

Um and he realizes that this way he can catch the streaker. Yeah. At the diner, Jack is working to make Nog. He wants to take it out um to serve to people even though it's warm in the diner because a party's happening. Yeah. Um, Kathy gives a big speech, it's the big town Xmas Eve gathering.

But it's interrupted by Sheriff Hunter, who enters from the bathroom where he has apparently been waiting for upwards of an hour. Yeah. Um, fine. They all laugh at him because he's wearing his sunglasses indoors. Yeah. And then in a slightly tonally odd moment He then starts yelling at people and talking about the murder rate in town. And again, like everything up to this prior has been like these cops are sort of comic relief.

But then like they but then they sort of roll their eyes at him and he actually sort of goes off and gets quite threatening and talks about how no one in town respects him. Um he says, I've got footage of you naked in the streets, amigo. Uh and then all the women in the cafe lean in to see this footage of his Magnum Snowdong. Exactly. Uh so Hot Frosty is led away in cuff.

Everyone protests except Hot Frosty who says, I broke the law and I have to accept the consequences. Yeah. Very, very, very sexy. I mean I mean we all have a bad boy, don't we? I broke the law and I have to accept the concept. Is it going to put We have to we have to hear this. This is the best scene. This is the best bit of the film. He's different from us, Nate, yells Meg. And the doctor, remember the doctor, joins the chorus. He's a snowman that magically came to life.

Remember that muscular snowman from the snow sculpture festival? I thought he looked familiar. Explains why he's so comfortable without a shirt on. So you you you all you just you just you just buy that he's a snowman? It's Christmas.

We cut to the jailhouse. Hot Frosty is pleading with the sheriff to open a window. It in another in another sort of like weirdly unsexy moment, Hot Frosty can't be fingerprinted because his fingers are too light. Wet with slush. You're covered in slime. Whoa lady w what is going on? We all love a man with cold, wet fingers. A man covered in freezing slime. It's well Steady on Don't get me wrong. I don't know how I would make a snowman who came to life sixty, but I wouldn't try.

I wouldn't cover him in freeze and slime probably. It's not where I'd start. No.

Um how would okay let's let's it's time for us to get off our high horses and and turn our all seeing eyes inward. Sure. Okay, you've got to make hot frosty. It's got to be about a snowman who comes to life and it's hot. Yeah. So like What do you do? What is he? What conceptually is he? What does he look like? What's g what's the deal? It's the same as in this film. He looks like he looks like this. He doesn't sweat all the time. Okay. But

It he starts to melt then because of like the body heat and stuff. So the whole peril of the movie. Yes. Oh, that's good. But then then it's then it's like forbidden. It's like we mustn't we mustn't give in to our carnal urges. It would be the end of you and he's like, I don't care.

I don't care. He's like, what if we yeah, what if we d what if we went to like the coldest place on earth and did it there? He's like a he's like a praying mantis. He's like i if you if this ends with my head being eaten, it's worth it because like because you're so irresistible, Cathy. Yeah, exactly. But then there's some kind of like super cold chamber at the university where they do sub zero experiments. Sub zero sex experiments. Sub zero sex experiments.

And they have to break into the university. And there's a crusty old dean who doesn't want uh doesn't want people having sex with sexual snowmen and is is ruining all the results of his science experiments. I mean, it's certainly more plots than they did than they bothered with in all. Is it better? I don't know. What I would say like, yeah, that could be sexy. You can't have sex with him because he would melt.

If you did. If you embraced him too close not like not like he sort of starts emitting flu sweat every time he's in a sort of m room temperature. Yeah. I think that well the f the first change I would make is that he has the mind of an adult and understands what sex is. Yeah, and I would make it and would like to do it. Picture us picture a snowman like with the corn cob pipe and the hat and the scarf. I think I would make sure.

the snowman are sort of like maybe like ten years older, like actually most of the love interests are in these like Hallmark Christmas movies, like a slightly more s like kind of grizzled, like a big plaid jacket, you know. Yeah. Kind of I think this actor is Uh pushing forty. Right, okay. Well then yeah, but but the perfor the playing very young in ev in every in every respect. This actor is usually has a beard and they've got him clean shaven in this, which Yeah, which doesn't yeah.

Yeah, I feel like there should be more of a sort of He could be more rugged for sure. Yeah, like a kinda you know, it's like a more sort of more'cause that's what that's what a snowman is, right? Like a snowman is like wise, smiling, comfortable outdoors. You know? Mm-hmm. And that can be sexy. There's like the snowman should build a cabin. Build a sec build a sexual cabin. Sure. Of like, hey, I've always wanted to own land up here out here in the wilds. Yeah, yeah.

Spring will arrive, so he has to keep travelling north. Oh yeah. And come with me. Come with me. Follow the winter. Follow follow the winter. That's the tagline of uh good hot frog. Oh man. And then they finally find they get to the North Pole and they're like, finally it's close as it's cold enough for us to make love. But then Santa comes out and he's like, Hey, this is where I live. This is where I make love.

And we're like, Yeah, that's why we came here, Santa and then they all take pictures of Netflix. Uh pick up the phone, you cowards. Get in touch. Okay. Um so yeah Sheriff Hunter begins his interrogation of Hot Frosty. Um Hot Frosty is begging for cold. He's like sort of dying and choking. Yeah. I think this is where he says he's like Struggling to breathe, I think. Yeah. Um Kathy marches in and demands to know how much bail is. Two thousand dollars, says Sheriff Hunter.

Um he's got no fingerprints, no name, no wallet, he's probably a sleeper agent. I'm going home and you can bail him out on the twenty sixth. And she's like, No, he'll be dead by then. Jack is all slumping in the cell. He's like he's leaking profusely. He's dying shouts Kathy, but Sheriff Hunter is unmoved.

Um Kathy, in case I I I don't make it through this, I need you to No! Save it hot frosty, I'll be right back, she says and runs out. He's melting. She f she leaves to fetch ice or bale, it's not clear. Yeah, so Kathy runs back to the cafe. Gets hold of a cashier.

Cash safe which oddly is on top of a shelf behind the bar where everyone can see it. It's like it's like where you would put your sort of big mouth Billy Bass in or something. She grabs a fat wad of cash out from the middle of it, but it's not enough. Suddenly, Deputy Schatz is here. He won't make it until the twenty sixth, Kathy pleads with him. He's made of snow, explains the doctor, who will have studied medicine for around twelve years. Kathy says that she needs

To help get this indecent exposer out of jail, even though he's admitted he did it. Yep. Uh and they go to the jail and they thrust cash in Sheriff Hunter's face, but he's still unmoved. Um it's st it's still not. They don't have enough. They don't have enough money. But then suddenly The whole town marches on the Sheriff station, magical music plays. Uh everyone in town is there.

Did you think that like I know that magical music is playing, but the visual of like a whole town showing up to demand like someone is taken out of jail? Like normally when you're seeing this in a movie, it's a sort of like It's so they can be extrajudicially killed. Yes, exactly. Yeah. We're gonna kill this snowman ourselves. Yeah, so but anyway, here the vibes are just fine. Yeah. Uh Sheriff Hunter says that he can't do anything, his hands are tied, he cannot free a suspect.

without bail. Yeah. And then obviously the whole town, who have all been moved and aroused in equal measure. They've all been touched by this snowman, not like that. Touched by hot frosty. They reach into their pockets. And collectively they drum up the cash required to freeze.

kind of thing, Oh I don't have your money, it's in Bill's house. And they free this man who they only know has the mind of a child, loves working in the school and there is photo evidence of him spinning naked down the high street. Oh yeah. How did so many people decide to waste Christmas on a guy who just got here less than two weeks ago, says the sheriff? Because ever since he got here

He's been working to make our lives better. A man is defined by his actions, Sheriff. Here's an opportunity for you to be defined by yours. Yes. And um they're also like ten dollars short at the end, but then Matthew, the date boy, who it turns out is Sheriff Hunter's son, comes forth with the last The last ten kicks in the last ten that they need. Uh and Sheriff Hunter has to relent.

I would have this movie would have made more sense and also dare I say it have been a bit sexier if it got a bit like Frankenstein at the end and like he was run out of town on the rail by like a an an angry mob who are scared of uh like snowman come to life. Yeah. And that's why he has to keep chasing the winter. Yeah. Yeah. He's always getting run out by the incredible Hulk. It'd be nice if someone would get railed as well.

Yeah. Run out of town while being rail. Yeah. Um Chase the Winter. Oh, that's good. Give everybody their money back, says the sheriff. I'll let him go. Everyone cheers. They run inside. Jack is sitting in a puddle of his own fluids. Get him out into the snow. Uh he's dripping real bad. He's carried out Oh oh Jack, says Kathy, he is laying Christ like on the snow. Everybody stand back. You're a doctor, do something, says Kathy to um the doctor. You can't defribulate a snowman, she says. Doctor.

Doctor, why why can't you pronounce Steve Himperlate? Yeah. Also, do you definitely want to commit to this man being a real snowman to the point where you won't try and bring him back to life Yeah. I'm sorry, none of our human medicines will work on this snowman. I know, but what you could do is try, and maybe you were wrong about him being a snowman. There's no duck no downside. Doctor, I think my leg is broken. Oh, don't be silly. Talking hot dogs don't have legs.

This doctor needs to be struck off. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I didn't believe, says Sheriff Hunter, who is now a hundred percent on board with the sentient sexual snowman theory. Yeah. So Kathy goes to his side.

Um I'm falling in love with you, she tells him. I don't care how long it lasts, how fleeting it is. I just want to make the most of it while you're here, but he's non responsive. Cathy, he's gone, says the doctor, who hasn't even touched him. The doctor who's about twenty feet away. It's like it's like he's dead he's dead probably. I'll get the drinks in.

Um so Kathy bends down to start frenching the corpse and lifts his head to take her scarf back, which is weird. Like no sense leaving this on the body. Everyone in town cries. Um They all wander off and leave the corpse in a snowbank. Now, at this point, did you think it would have been a brilliant ending to this movie? Yeah. If they turned around and Hot Frosty had gone and also the hat with all the money in it.

This was all an unbelievable long con. The camera spins ninety degrees horizontally and you can just see him sort of sprinting round a corner. Sprinting distance down with his two thousand dollars. The corn worked like a charm. The sexual snowman routine works every time. Him and Sheriff Hunter. They're all in on it together.

Um but no, instead what happens is she's she's led away by the doctor who's like who says, Let's go let's go, honey, let Sheriff Hunter take care of this corpse on the floor. Uh but as as she walks away there is a twinkling sound. And Kathy, says Hot Frosty, and he's standing, he's looking at her with love, and everyone is like, Awww and they run into each other's arms. Yeah. I thought you were dead, she says. And then the love making can commence in anger. I thought you were dead.

Oh we cut to Christmas morning. Uh Hot Frosty has bought Kathy a book on home repair, which is quite savage. Um there's a card on inside the card. There's a message that says I figured out who your second true love should be. Dot dot dot It's you, love Jack. Mm-hmm. We see them working together to fix the heating. Jack sighs with pleasure as hot air floods the house. Yep. Kathy gives him a gift. It's a ticket to Hawaii.

For both of us together, says Jack. Merry Christmas, Jack, she says. Uh we see them loading up the car, wearing lays. Um they drive off. I've written, Don't put that scarf on any other snowmen. Um

They leave and then the film ends, I guess. Yeah. Over the credits there's the cops doing a song in the street and there's a b there's like bloopers because it's that kind of you know, it's that one of like, Oh, we had such a good time on set and you just know that every like sound person is just like Just just don't wrap it up. Um the snow machine is blowing throughout this entire thing. They probably got through about seven or eight hundred dollars worth of fake snow for this.

Yeah. Little sequence. Uh what I would say is ninety percent of the bloopers seem to involve the doctor. Yes, she's not great, is she? She's just like ruins every scene just like Flailing around. Um She didn't know she was in a movie. She's just a d uh the doctor in the town they shot in. Yeah.

And that's it. Um I don't want to talk about hot frosty anymore. I just want to continue workshopping our hot frosty, but it's good. How about this? Okay, so like the basic premise is the snowman comes to life. Yeah. And The sort of general arc is that Hot Frosty slowly comes to realise that like a sort of in a kind of vampire post-transformation kind of way, okay. He doesn't feel like humans are his people.

anymore, and he doesn't want to live among them. So increasingly he's like pursuing his desire to go up into the wilderness, the snowy wilderness, and build a sexy log cabin with like Yeah. Like like throw rugs and stuff in a big roaring fireplace for lovemaking. And Kathy is like, oh no, but like I I can't I can't follow you. Maybe she's got like horrible friends.

You know, she's in like in a sort of like toxic group of friends and they're like, Uh, your new boyfriend is weird, we don't like him. And so the sort of general arc is her like learning to abandon her career and go and live in his sexual thrall in a sort of permafrost.

Love Cabin. That's good. I like that. Yeah. I like that a lot. I mean you could go down the um you could go go down the route of the nineteen ninety eight movie Jack Frost or the nineteen ninety seven slasher movie Jack Frost. Sure. In which in which a dead person's consciousness is transferred into her and it's a sort of unfinished business.

Um yeah. So one of them is Michael Keaton and it's all like all nice and about his family. The other one he's it's a sort of slasher movie and he just goes around killing people. He's like an executed serial killer who um uh gets exposed to a genetic research truck that crashes into some snow and makes him a snowman. Say no more. Cool. Yeah. But he sort of goes around and kills people and like Yeah. Yeah. I just figured I don't know.

I just wish this movie was a bit more of like anything. Just it like it when you see it It like so uh we got so many emails from e because people were like and when this lands on your Netflix dashboard and it's like, here is A romantic comedy about a hot snowman who comes to life and he's shredded like billio. And you're like, Okay, this I gotta see. And then you watch it and it's like

What's cancer? What the hell? Yeah. I guess it would s would sort of be like a kind of It's definitely it's definitely gonna get a sequel, I bet. I thought this would be like a lightly fantastical sex in the city kind of This did so well. This did so well. Yeah. For Netflix. It's gonna get a sequel. So maybe the sequel will be a raunchy sex comedy, you never know. Maybe Hotter Frosty. Let's circle back around. Do you think Hot Frosty is a good name for this movie? Is is a hot frosty a thing?

Like is it I mean it sounds like if you went on urban dictionary it would be a thing. I know, but like is it like a sort of Is this a sort of British thing, like we don't know, but in in America, like oh it's l like a s'more or something, you know, like Oh like I gotta order a hot frosty. Like a hostess like a hostess cake. Yeah, yeah. But like obviously now I can't

Google it because of hot frost hot frosty meaning. Okay, I mean obviously yes there is an urban dictionary entry that's coming up like Front and centre. Some kind of appalling thing. Sixty one thoughts I had watching Hot Frosty on Netflix. On vogue. Okay. Oh, I do you wanna know do you wanna know how IGN scored off Frosty? Oh, I'd love to. What do you think they gave it out to ten? Uh ten.

Straight ten. Six. Ah. Frothy, self aware, and straining for laughs. Hot frosty is a cup of whipped cream with no hot chocolate. I I do not do I I I agree with that. I just I think hop Hot frosty. I don't know. It's it's not great to say. Hot frost. It just feels bad in the mouth.

Yeah. Hot frosty. Frost hottie is better. Yeah, frosted hotties. Frosted hotties. No, that's no. That's worse. Okay, well it's just I just I don't think it's a great name. I think there are all kinds of snowman sex buttons they could have. Snow plowed.

Yeah. Just call it snow plowing. That would have required him to plow plow us at any point. Or or to plow him. Or he could have opened a um snow plowing business and it could have been, you know, that that that's why it's called that. Sure. You yeah.

I don't know. Andy, I want to read you an email. Oh, please do. Andy, this one comes via Frankie. Frankie, thank you so much for sending us this Michael Eisner treasure. Uh, Andy and Luke, I know this has nothing to do with decomms and thus out of your usual sphere, but this popped up on my Tumblr dashboard and since it's dunking on Eisner, I figured you might be interested.

The link is below. If nothing else, watching it will absolutely confirm that your theory of Eisner having all his ideas and a crashing lift is a hundred percent accurate. Okay. So Andy, well, first let me say thank you, Frankie, because I learned... A brilliant bit of Eisner trivia today and I'm about to share it with Andy live on the podcast. So Andy, you're aware that they made a follow up to Fantasia, right? Fantasia two thousand Fantasia two thousand, I am aware.

So Eisner was trying to get this out of the follow up to Fantasia off the ground for like most of a decade, it seems. Okay. And what has surfaced online is an early work print, uh like you know, just sort of like blocking very, very sort of rough animation sort of working up the concept of uh like Fantasia II from nineteen ninety two, I think it's dated.

Um and it's something that apparently Michael Eisner was extremely keen on, and it was Eisner's idea. It is a sequence set to Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance, which you might know as like the graduation music. Duh Okay, right. So, um this is a sequence set to that and it features all of the Disney princesses in a kind of graduation ceremony. Are you on board with the concept thus far?

Sure, graduating from from their movies? I dunno, it's kind of conceptual. Um Okay, fine. Now I want you to press play from about Three minutes fifty five into this video. Okay. And I just want you to describe live to the audience. Sort of what you're seeing, what you're hearing. Okay. Kind of most of the way into this ceremony of princesses. Okay, fine.

Right, so there's uh bridge. Um princes and princesses are walking across the bridge towards a sort of clock tower. Donald Duck is in a pumpkin. He looks like he's just had sex with it. Um some birds fly overhead. Oh, they're stalks. They're carrying uh bundles. They're carrying babies, presumably. Uh, they're all flying in. Donald Duck is running around catching bird sh it might it looks like on a pillow. Not sure what that's about. Um Donald Duck is still running around.

It's not clear what he's doing, why he's here. Uh oh they're little crowns. They're little crowns on a pillow. Uh he's tripped. Uh he's uh he's got his hand stuck in a stalk. Okay, now he's landed a king and queen with the little crowns and he's all beaten up and he's offering them to the king and queen and then he looked At the princes and princesses, they're all they're all being given a baby each. Doesn't seem to be any sort of they're just randomly taking a baby from the

What? There's Eric and Ariel has got a baby there. Uh Snow White has got a baby. Prince Charlie isn't there, presumably. So what was happening and left? Um Oh the babies are being Crowns. Donald is placing crowns on all of them. Okay, um so Wow, that's fing crazy. Yeah. So basically Eisner's concept for this was we would do a sort of graduation bit to pomp and circumstance, and at the end all of the princesses would be given a baby. They would be given their all loving it.

Uh, because like it's weird to have all the Disney princesses just be at a graduation ceremony and at the end of the graduation ceremony they're all like they they graduate by getting a baby like having a baby that is theirs.

Wow. But if you read these YouTube comments, they're all like, Wow, this is so beautiful. This is the greatest idea. This is the greatest concept. I think they're all Eisner sort of things. Bernard Richards nine two four four four four four seven says, I'm not crying, you're crying. Obsessed with this. Sorry. Bernard is obsessed with this.

If you wanna see Ariel and Snow White and Aurora and Cinderella all being presented with and Jasmine like all being presented with human babies at the same time. And apparently in no sort of design order, they're just like, Hey, just reach in and grab a baby. Yeah. Just grab one of them. Anyway, so that's not That was...

That was what Michael Eisner thought would be a good bit of fantasia. Uh if you want to see that for yourself, just Google Fantasia two thousand, Disney Princess, Pomp and Circumstance, deleted scene. Uh and you can Watch it on YouTube. Absolutely wild. Good job, Eisner. Yeah, sorry that took some explaining and thank you so much, Frankie, for um for for sharing that with us. What great treasure you have laid at our doorstep. Okay.

Andy, I know what film we're doing next. Because it's our Christmas live show. And if you're listening to this there's a chance that you can still get a ticket. Go to tinyurl.com forward slash MCC handcuffs and snap one up. ASAP. Not many tickets remain, but it is not allocated seating. So you could still get a great seat to see our Holiday and Handcuffs live show on the 16th of December at the Islington Assembly Hall.

Uh yeah, it's a Melissa Joan Hart T V movie from the year two thousand and six. I will now read the description from IMDB. A struggling artist working as a waitress kidnaps one of her customers to take home to meet her parents at Christmas time. I c I cannot begin to describe how excited I am. Uh to recap this on stage.

Like share clips from it on stage and just sort of laugh along with a huge number of cranking little big bees. Yeah. So if you do want to come uh for a bit of festive cheer, yeah. Nice night out the week before Christmas.

Go to tinyurl.com forward slash MCC handcuffs to get your tickets. Some are still available. So that'll be the next episode of the podcast. We will have better microphone technology than Some people are like, Hey, I don't think the microphones are very good at that Halloween town one and I'm Man, you have no like every time I think about it, all I can feel is relief. that we had like a backup.

Recording going. Oh yeah. Like that. I was like out of I was like, oh, this is unnecessary. I've never ever ended up using a backup recorder and then oh my gosh. So yeah. Um it doesn't sound about it. That would have been lost to time forever if we hadn't had that. So um a reminder that we also have a Patreon where we do bonus episodes of the show. If you go to patreon.com forward slash extra helpings.

You can listen to episodes in the off weeks from this podcast of us uh recapping the Disney Channel original TV series So Weird, which is like X-Files for Kids. Uh we've just wrapped up uh season two. And we're moving into season three, which is the wildest season of the show by far. Yeah. Um, so it's a great time to jump on board and there's a big backlog as well. Um loads of uh loads of podcast content to keep you going.

into the new year. If you want more Mum Can't Cook, there is dozens of hours of bingeable podcast waiting for you there. It is yeah, it's I I deeply, deeply love all those episodes. I'm so proud of them. Okay. Uh what else? Oh well I mean that kill that killed some time and also the the banging on the door has has stopped. So I think actually we might be Oh oh it stopped because he has he has unlocked it. It's the door's swinging open. Okay. Ah he does why does he look good though?

Uh why does he he does look pretty good? It does look good. Hang on, mate, I'm just gonna go sort of bulbous torso. The three kind of bulbous spheres that make up his body. I'm just gonna go introduce myself. I'll I'll I'll extend a hand in friendship. Rosy solid! Oh it snapped! Oh blood slush is pouring from the stump. Yeah, well, yeah, you know you've gotta you've gotta use the special hand.

That's how it Man, it's like you've never made love to a snowman before, Luke. You're embarrassing yourself. It's like the concept of a living snowman isn't sexy. What are you talking about? Look at all the fluids he's leaking. Yeah. Flu fluid fluid ounce fluid ounces emitted. Then I've gotta tell you what

Of course. Well underway, but uh let's start a let's start a signing, shall we? This always was the most fun part of the year. So Sarah Mattox, Freddie Moore, Danny Boyer, Rue Kyler, and Sakari Montonin. Um I think I I think a Christmas tree will Will come to life and he'll have a

Prickly demeanour, but he'll soon warm up to you, I'm sure, and he will shed shed all over the carpet, I'm afraid. Well, Hannah Kirchner, Snowy Owl, Nuka Level, Shane Ente, and Vintage Alicia, I think your Christmas will be very much enhanced by bringing to life a sexual Full string light. That's right. I'm talking like what a I'm talking like a long sort of talking real string. I'm talking a real Yeah. Um

Yeah, it will light up all different colours. Uh and it'll also light up your love life this holiday season. Light oh that's good. That's good. Um Chris Pryor, Adam Steele, Courtney Rayle, Mike Kavanaugh, and Clint Hanna Lopez Keep an eye out this year for a hunky roasted turkey turned into a man. He's wrapped in bacon and just leaves. When the juices run clear, you know he's ready. Leave him to rest.

Okay well um Michael McCalka, Moist Drippings, Seish, Paul Stevens, and Prince Reynard, you can look forward. this winter season to a sexual hunk candy cane coming to life. That's right. It's gonna be big Sweet, minty. And stripey is all get out and like yeah, it's gonna be you're gonna be wanting to hang this sexual candy cane on your tree, this

Okay, sure. Uh Brandon Plesh, Robin Jane, Ethan Lapin, E. T. and Matthew Cowan. Uh look out this year for your uh new bow. That's right. It's a bowl of quality street. But a man. Um avoid the purple bits. Okay, Smash Savannah Burger Boys and Girl, Tim Craven, Will Thomas, Julian Rundlett, and Lou Zednik. This year, what Sexy thing that's coming to life is the king's speech. That's right. Make yourself comfortable on the sofa and tune in at 3 p.m. on Christmas.

While your new hunk goes on and looking on. About the importance of sport or something or other. Well, great news from R H, Andy Meanie, Michael Saul, Business Corgi, and Rory James. Uh you keep an eye out this year for um a target gift. Card who has become a man. He's sort of quite thoughtless and last minute, but it's pretty useful.

Yeah. So the and yeah, pretty good shoulders on him as well. Sort of handy to have around. Yeah. Uh Elizabeth Cole Mastro, Duchess Jambo number five, and Hef, look forward to the coming to life sexily of Mr Tinsel. Mr Tinsel will wrap himself around your stack and around your heart. Oh that's very nice. Um look out, Nerdizoid, Brackets Sean, Z Man, Moon Activist, Sage Borealis, Alan St George and Kyle Bain. Uh you will be um visited this year by uh coming to life.

A a reindeer who is a man but he's he's horny His nose isn't the only thing that's bright red this Christmas. You should get that scene too. Um, homemade mask, Andrew Noble, Louise Brackett's Lola, Danny Ward, and Clarky the Bearded Coach Driver, you can look forward to Snow Globes. That's right. Shake them up. So Settle for you. Christopher Ash, Angel Beat and Autumn Holly.

It's gonna be a very uh very sexy Christmas for you, um, because you will be visited by an advent calendar turned into a man. Open doors for you. A new surprise. A new surprise every morning. A new surprise every morning. Some unpleasant chocolate. It's all there. Decomb lover, Matt S, Hypermole, and Bean Pole. Uh pine currents? You might not think you can make But we're leaving it in the hands of Netflix. They managed to So yeah. Yeah, sort of. Um yeah, like a like a six foot pine cone.

With um his pretty good arms. Yeah, uh he's emotionally clever. But perhaps by making your house the right temperature you can make him sort of unfurl. Jeez. Um Rhyme Dama, Ruby Tuesday, shape. Crescentia Che and Jonathan Villa um w watch out this Christmas. It's it's a sexual grinch to me. He will he will rob you. But he's got an amazing set of abs on him.

He can't even fit down the chimney. Yeah. He's too uh he's too double cheeked up. Uh Andy. It's not you, Andy. Different Andy. Andy. Will Poweretsky. Keith Or, Kara Denison, and Liz L, watch out when you walk under sexual man mistletoe. Wait, who's this new boss at your company? He's M Isalto, but and when you meet him, he's a sort of large IV beast. Um this Christmas look forward to kissing under him. How many more of these are

Not many. Um Ethan Pearson, Joseph Munklara, Morvan Butterworth, Paul Stokes and Philip Stevens. Um you're all high powered executives, but uh a snowstorm has left you stranded in a town. And what It's a double issue of the radio times. So you know he started kissing on it. Okay, now listen up. Listen up, Michael Olson, Quinn is teething, definitely not serious not s definitely not Steve, who needs to sleep and the monk. Can lay the truth on you now. The problem that I, Luke, am having.

Is it the only remaining Christmas thing I can think of? Is a nativity scene. So I guess But I've no no no I'm sure I could do better than that. There must be some there must be some Christmas Okay, in my mind Pallas, it's Christmas morning. What's there? A present we haven't even done a present We haven't even done a present. It's a sexual present uh and the gift is

Satisfaction. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And finally we have Jack Fabian, Jamie Langford, Danny Capp and Jebus Pierce Jones. Um, you will of course uh have to keep an eye out this year. For i i it's it's a sexual snowman, but he's just like a hunky guy and he's covered in a sort of freezing slime.

Oh no. So I apologize. That's not that is that is the that is the worst one. But uh he does have an incredible eight pack, so hopefully that makes up for it. Yeah, is he okay? Just check on him, he shouldn't be that blue.