Hey, it's Rachel, your modern mentor. I'm the founder of Lead Above Noise, where we help leaders activate high performance and dial back burnout. We run bootcamps, workshops, talks, and offsites. Reach out anytime. If your team could use a boost. I'm at rachel@leadabovenoise.com, and hey, if you've been listening to Modern Mentor and Sparked a Fresh Thought, helped you lead differently or made your workday feel a little more doable, it will be awesome.
If you'd leave a quick rating or review in your podcast app, it's a great way to help others find the show. Okay, so today let's talk about Sandra. Let you know her too. No, of course not, but she's somebody who worked for me some number of years ago. She was really good at her job. She was just, I don't know, ornery like she was always kind of cranky and I struggled to connect with her.
I mean, we just weren't friends, and it troubled me until one day, one of my actual friends reminded me that not everyone at work has to be my friend. Having friends at work is great. We should all strive for it, but we can pick and choose the relationships we choose to elevate to that level. What is important is our ability to work successfully with everyone at work. Whether or not we like or enjoy each other, we need to respect and collaborate with each other.
Maybe you are struggling these days to do that with someone, and by the way, so many of us are. Let's talk about what we can do in these moments, like how we might gently reset a work relationship that feels a little rocky, even if there wasn't a specific incident, creating the tension. Sometimes it's personality clash. Sometimes it's just a misalignment or a buildup of small things that never got resolved. Sometimes it's just there either way.
If the energy's off, it's worth pausing it paying attention. For me, when a dynamic starts to feel strained, I find the most helpful way to work through it is to think about it in two phases. First, reflect and then repair. Let's talk about what I do when I reflect. Before you reach out to say anything or to try to change anything with this person, you've gotta start by checking in with yourself.
This phase is all about clarity, getting honest, curious, and figuring out what is really going on that's underlying the tension between you and someone else at work. The first step is to get clear on what's bothering you. This means taking your feelings like you're hurt, annoyed, shut down and grounding them in something observable. If you're feeling dismissed, ask yourself what's actually happening? Like, are they interrupting you, ignoring your messages, giving off a tone that feels sharp?
The goal here is to translate how they make you feel into what they're actually saying or doing that you can observe. The more specific you can be, the more you'll be able to either let it go or to name it clearly. When it's time to have a conversation, I feel shut down is hard to respond to, but if you say something like, when I share an idea and you don't acknowledge it, I walk away unsure. If you've heard me, that's something you can talk about. The next step is to separate story from fact.
Our brains are amazing storytellers, and sometimes we build whole narratives about somebody else's motives without realizing it. We think she's out to get me or he thinks he's better than everyone, and it happens quickly, especially when we're feeling stressed or vulnerable. So pause and ask yourself, what is the story I've been telling myself about this person? And then what could be another explanation that could also be true?
Maybe they're overwhelmed or they're under a pressure that you can't see. Maybe they're just wired differently, they're quieter, they're more task focused and less expressive. When we assume positive intent, it doesn't mean we're excusing everything. It just means creating a little bit of breathing room between your experience and your assumptions and that breathing room, it can make the next step easier, and that is step three, own your part.
This isn't about taking all of the blame, but it's about asking, how might I be contributing to this dynamic? Intentionally or not, maybe you've been holding back or avoiding direct feedback. Maybe you've been short or distant because you assumed they didn't want to engage. Even if your piece is small, owning it is powerful.
It shifts you from being a passive observer of the tension to someone who has agency to influence the dynamic, and it builds massive credibility if and when you open a conversation later. Step four is to get clear on what you want. Instead, don't go into a conversation hoping for total harmony or deep connection. That's a really high bar. What we want is a working relationship that feels functional and respectful and maybe a little bit easier. So ask yourself, what would better look like here?
Like maybe it's smoother handoffs or more acknowledgement in meetings, fewer misunderstandings around deadlines, and just as important, what would you be willing to do to help make that happen? Clarity here is key because once you know what you want and what you're offering, you're ready to move into the next phase, which is repair. Hopefully now you feel ready to reach out and have a conversation. It's not about confrontation, it's about co-creation.
So start with step one, reach out with curiosity and care. This isn't, hey, we need to talk, but this is an open door. I like to start off gently, something like, Hey, I've been thinking about how we're working together, and I'd love to talk about how we might make it feel just a little smoother if you're open to it, it's simple and it's direct, and it signals respect and a willingness to engage without putting somebody on the defensive.
Step two is share what you've noticed, but not who they are. Remember that specificity from your reflection phase. This is where it comes into play. Rather than saying, Hey, you're dismissive, try something like, you know, there've been a few meetings where I've shared an idea and you just haven't responded, and it's left me feeling, I don't know, uncertain, and I'm guessing it's not your intent, but in those moments, I tend to walk away wondering if I just missed the mark.
You're naming the moment, you're not assigning motive, and that keeps the conversation in a space where change is possible. Then we come to step three, make an offer and ask for theirs. You're not just here to air a grievance, but you're here to build something better, so bring a suggestion, offer to change something yourself. Maybe, Hey, would you be up for a quick check-in ahead of the next presentation so you and I can align in advance?
I wonder if that might set us up to feel more shoulder to shoulder during the meeting, and if you're open, I'm happy to take the lead on scheduling it and then ask, is there anything I could do differently that would make working together easier from your perspective? That question changes the game. It shifts the conversation from correction to collaboration. And finally, step four, listen with openness, not defensiveness.
If you've invited input, like you've really invited it, just make sure you're ready to receive it. You might hear something surprising, even something hard, but if you can stay present and resist the urge to explain or justify, you might also hear something useful, something that helps you understand why things went off in the first place and how to make them better.
This part can be uncomfortable, but it is also where change happens because when someone feels heard, they tend to soften, and when you both feel heard, this is where repair can really begin. In my experience all those years ago with Sandra, I learned a lot from taking this approach with her. It turns out she was really overwhelmed with a few things, and that was largely driving her brus manner with me. So we found her some resources to help manage her workload, and we found our way to better.
Also, we never became friends, but that was totally okay. If your team is navigating relationship hiccups or you wanna build a culture where clear communication is the norm, I'd love to support you. Reach out anytime at rachel@leadabovenoise.com or visit my website@leadabovenoise.com. Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week. Modern Mentor is a quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It's audio engineered by Dan Fand. Our director of podcasts is Brandon Getches.
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