¶ Overcoming Self-Doubt in Leadership
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All right guys , welcome back . Welcome back to another episode of Modern Leadership , the podcast and on YouTube . So we've been doing something recently with some really powerful inner circle members .
So we have a program inside of our YouTube called the Inner Circle Program and as a part of that , you get an opportunity to come on and be coached by me or Teresa . Today we have a really powerful life and performance coach , Nicole . She was just talking to me about all the great things that are happening in her business . Super proud of her .
She's like leaning into her confidence , getting to coach people and really effectively being able to change their lives .
But we as coaches and just us humans as general , especially as leaders , we have things that we personally struggle with , and so what we're going to be doing is bringing some people here onto the podcast and onto the YouTube to really help coach them through something they're struggling with .
And what I found is like oftentimes , when we see other people getting coached through things , it actually helps us get coached through the process ourselves because we can see ourselves in their shoes . So , Nicole , thank you so much for being part of the inner circle , but also for being here and being willing to lean in and get coached .
So welcome to the show , my friend .
Thanks , yeah , for sure , for sure .
Yes , oh , thank you . I know we had some technical difficulties . We'll just , we'll call it up to Mark pushed the wrong button , but it's okay , it's all good .
So I want to talk about , like , anything that you're currently , whether it's something you're struggling with , something that you want some help with , anything that I can specifically do or that we can walk through today that you can get some coaching on . So what comes up for you ?
Well , as you know , I've been struggling with just continuing to get in my own way , continuing to not have the self-belief that I can do this , because other things I have done in the past have not been successful . So I kind of get in my own way and then I kind of shy away when things aren't going the way I think they're supposed to go .
So that's kind of where I'm struggling with .
Well , I appreciate you for leaning in and for having this conversation . I also know that a lot of people are going to really connect with this , so here's what I kind of want to start off with , and that is to like start by defining a little bit about . You said continuing to get in your own way .
So can you give me an example of when you quote unquote got in your own way recently ? Like tell me about a time when that actually happened recently ?
I would have to say like when I kind of prepare for calls or prepare to do a post , it's always in the back of my mind like this is not going to work Because it hasn't worked before . So why am I doing it now ? Why am I spending so much time ? Who is actually watching ? Same people watch all the time . I'm not getting any new engagement .
Am I really helping anybody ? Or is this just something that I am supposed to do and I'm doing it and like I just want to see more people , I want to help more people .
So then I start overthinking it and then I end up just kind of being like whatever , kind of putting something out quickly , or even not putting something out at all , or even when I get on a call , I kind of be like , okay , I hope I can help , and then I start thinking about it and then not really paying attention to what they're saying .
Yeah .
All those things just in the back of my mind .
Yeah , yeah , um . It like you kind of take me as a thinker and I know you said overthinker , that's the negative part of being a thinker , but there's a lot of positives to being a thinker too , all right . But your brain doesn't want to focus on that , right , it wants to focus on all the reasons why overthinking .
And I mean you gave me like six or seven different stories , but it's kind of one of those things where if you , if you're an overthinker , you'll have a situation come up where you're like , oh , I'm preparing for a call , all right , so , thinking about the last time you prepared for a call , you start getting prepared for the call and your brain's like , hmm ,
let me pick one of these voices that I could talk to Nicole and trick her into thinking that she's not going to have a good session or something's going to go wrong or why is she wasting her time ? And it's going to pick one of those . Now , when you said , like you said , this is not going to work . It hasn't worked before .
Why am I spending so much time on this ? Who is actually watching ? Am I really helping ? Like , is there one that kind of like sounds like it comes up more often , or is like , let's just say like the more powerful one . That kind of like prevents you from stepping into it .
Just that I haven't been successful before , like , like it just never seems to work out the way I feel like it should work out . Um , and then I just again get in my head and I'm like this again is another thing that I try . That is not working yeah I've tried so many things over the many years . Nothing actually ends up working .
And then and then now I'm just like at the point where is anything going to work ? Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my nine to five teaching job ? Is this like a what ? What am I supposed to do ? I don't want to that feeling anymore of not being successful and what I'm putting myself into .
Right , right , okay , so . So let's do this . You gave me a bunch of things that I'm I'm going to . I want to work through one , but I actually am going to come back to this a little bit later because I want to show you , like , what your brain is actually doing . But one of the ones that you said is , like I haven't been successful before .
Okay , so when you are preparing for a call , right , and if you can even think about a very specific time you're preparing for a call , it'll make it easier , so we can go through , like this push method , right .
But when you're actually preparing for a call and you have this thought in the back of your mind but I haven't been successful before , like how does that make you feel ?
Defeated Okay .
And when you feel defeated , what are some things that you do in that moment as you're preparing for the call ?
I buffer , I do a lot of like , other things Like what , like go and clean , because that's what I do and I don't feel like doing anything . I like to clean and organize and I love to create content , so I'll do that because that feels good and I will do everything to avoid the preparation , I guess , or the thought of me not doing a good job .
I guess I just look for validation . Maybe I look for validation and sometimes , when I don't get the validation that I am seeking for , the expectation that I have of myself , that's when I'm just like , it's just like I butt heads with myself .
Right , Right , and when you say validation , you're looking for validation .
Like . What do you mean by that ? I feel like all my life I have been seeking approval of everyone around me . I'm very much a comparison person . I compare myself to everyone . I'm very much perfectionist and I tend to be an overachiever . So when things don't work out in my favor , it it doesn't , it's not a good thing for me okay .
Okay now , um , we talked about the things that you did do , right and , um , it kind of sounds like , because you're a perfectionist , you're an overachiever , that this stuff kind of like you just spin in that stuff for a while , especially when it comes to , like , looking for validation . But what are some things that you don't do ?
When you feel defeated , because you're preparing and you have that story of like , but this has never worked in the past , and you feel defeated . What are some things that you don't do ?
I don't take the actions that I need to .
Like what .
Like go through my tracker and connect with people and engage with people and look for new people to talk to and , you know , reach out to those who have actually maybe engaged or liked some of my content Getting in the inboxes of people that I've started conversations with .
Do you reach out to , like , let's say , a mentor , and ask like , hey , how do you prepare for a call ? How best can I prepare for it ?
Really , because that's wrong . I don't know . I'm very much an independent person , so it's hard for me to ask for help , and I see that in all areas of my life . Um , so sometimes , when it's time to like I really need help , maybe I feel like I'm gonna be judged , um , that I'm like , why ? Like , why is she asking for help ? Is this is so simple ?
Everything looks so easy for everybody else . So when it's time for me to go to somebody that I know that has been through it before , I don't want them to like , feel like , oh , like , why does she not know how to do this ? Like it's so simple .
Right , right , it's the overthinking , it's the overthinking , it's like overthinking . It's the overthinking . It's like not just thinking about what , the step we're at now , but three steps ahead of , like , if I do this and this is what it's going to mean , and this is the cascading effect that's going to happen .
And when you have that in multiple things , it can very easily trick us into not doing anything . Right , because everything isn't planned out .
It's not all going to be perfect , like we haven't figured out how to prepare for a call before , right , but it's just kind of crazy because when we're in that moment of preparing for a call , if we have this thought of like I haven't been successful before , we don't actually go . Oh , so maybe I should ask somebody else who has been successful before .
Right , we don't think about that . All we think about is us and how this is like just been something we've been continuing to try and we're never going to be able to get it . And then so we go out there , we take the actions .
It's in alignment with somebody who has never tried anything new before , because they're not willing to try new things because their brain is stuck on well , I've never been successful before .
It's crazy that that happens , right it's also the like uncertainty of not knowing if the system works 100% , 100% .
So what do you think you're manifesting when you're doing those things ? So it's time to prepare for the call . You have this story of like I haven't been successful before , why am I going to be now ? And then it makes you feel defeated . You say you buffer , meaning you do other things . You go clean the house , you go create content .
You said you do everything you can to avoid the preparation . You look for validation not internally , but outside
¶ Overcoming Fear of Reaching Out
right . You said you don't take the actions that you need to , you don't go through your tracker , you don't connect with new people . You say you don't reach out to people who are engaged and you don't reach out to a mentor or anyone else to ask for help around preparation . So what do you think you manifest ?
That this is never going to work .
Right , right , and it's crazy , because that is not the truth . It's just what your brain is currently wanting you to believe . Why do you think it wants you to believe that this is never going to work ?
Do you want the teaching answer that I've learned ?
I would , whatever because if , obviously , if you , if you um convince yourself that this is going to work , what are some of the maybe difficult things that your brain doesn't want you to do that you know you need to do in order to create a business ?
it doesn't want me to do the action , it's just uncomfortable and it just wants me to stay comfortable and not it's like that flight by the flight type thing .
It's like it's just trying to keep it comfortable and safe and that's where I it's kind of hard for me sometimes to like step out of that and to like no , I know that that's happening , but at that moment it's not what you think about .
Yeah , 100% . So so give me an idea , okay , in terms of Nicole and the things that she's like , that you dread to do , that you're like I absolutely dread doing this right , those kind of like fear mechanisms that they throw out at you of like , oh , but you don't want to do this , you don't want to do that .
So if you got out of your own way , what would you have to do ?
that you're scared completely of like having to take on . I guess it would be to reach out to those that I know that that want to help , that are there to help . It would be just stepping out of my comfort zone and getting into people's inboxes .
I feel like it's it's hard for me because coming out of my comfort zone and getting into people's inboxes , I feel like it's it's hard for me because coming out of like a network marketing type stance and being taught to just email or DM everybody in the world and just talk to them and just feels so left . I don't want to feel like that , yeah .
I don't want to feel like that and just being able to sit in and being patient with conversations and nurturing those . It's hard for me . I want quick results and sometimes it doesn't come quickly and then that's when it gets unauthentic and then it gets kind of weird down .
There's when it gets unauthentic and then it gets kind of weird down there , like I'm not sure , exactly like I don't want , I don't want to go there .
So can I bring something up ?
Because when you were talking about this , you were talking a lot about you wanting to be validated , which usually means that the opinions of others is really important to you , and so when you take those actions , when you reach out to people , when you invite them to what you're doing , when you sit down in front of them and you're having a conversation , they
could feel like this is great , this is awesome , nicole . But they could also feel like this actually didn't help me thinking about that . Is that something you're worried about ?
Of like , what are other people going to think if I reach out to them , if I say this , if I take on a coaching session , if I take them through this , and this isn't that aha moment that they wanted to experience ?
100 yes so .
So when we get to like , it might seem like I mean , the original one was like I haven't had success before .
But the reason why our head voice picks these kind of like different stories to tell us is because there's a deeper one that we don't even want to touch , because we're so petrified of what's going to happen , Because if we get through the well , this has never worked before story right , Something else is going to come out in its place , because we didn't get to
the root of it , and the root having to do with like , what are people going to think ? What are they going to say ? And even if I have a great session , I still have to check in with them to see if it was a great session . I can't determine it myself .
I have to wait for the outside world to say that , and every time I put myself out there gives me another opportunity for somebody else to think something else about me .
And so as long as we're constantly like , like , using that at the forefront of our mind of like , what other people think of me defines me is kind of like what our brain is telling us , then every head voice that we possibly can is going to come up to try and get us off track .
But the beautiful thing is when you work through this head voice and you see what it is that it's trying to get you to do and we've talked about this . Right , it tries to get you to live small . It tries to get you to not do those things right . But there's been other areas of your life where maybe in the beginning it was a struggle for you .
Maybe it was it meant . You were like I don't know what's going to like . I don't know if I'm going to ever be able to figure this out right , it could be with teaching . It could be with your health and fitness .
It could be because anytime that something comes up that's different or something you want to like , challenge yourself to be able to accomplish , things are going to throw themselves at you and you're going to have the head voice that's going to try and keep you stuck and not have you do those new things .
But you also have this place that we call the heart voice , right , which is this place of purpose , of potential , of hope , of possibility . Right , and whatever voice wins is the one that we give more of our time and attention to . Right .
And so you've had times in life , my guess that you actually had this head versus heart and you decided to believe your heart instead of your head .
Now , can you , can you give me an example of something where you did struggle through this thing and you were able to come out on the other side and now you have something completely different than what you had before you started ?
Well , I'd have to say , probably my health journey .
Okay , tell me about it .
I , all my life , grew up on the heavier side and had to work a lot through it , and had to work a lot through it , through a lot of struggle and being made fun of and judgment throughout my life , and there was a time where I said this is it and I need to do something about it .
And I went full in and achieved the goals that I wanted to achieve and feel good .
I feel good about that , and that's that's where I started wanting to help others , when I felt that I wanted to be able to help other people feel that , um , I started out with the health and fitness and then I got into the life coaching and I love incorporating it all , the whole holistic approach on it all , and I just want other people to feel good about
themselves .
Sorry , I'm taking notes here . When you said you went through a health journey , tell me what that looked like like . How much weight did you lose ?
tell me about that well , I lost about 130 pounds . Um felt amazing . It feels so good to be able to like move
¶ Finding Empowerment Through Transformation
. There was times when I couldn't go out with my kids and walk with them and play with them , and they would ask me why I would just sit on the couch and not go out . I couldn't , and it was hard , it was a struggle and I knew there had to be a change .
But I wanted to like see them grow up , um , so I took that leap and I was like I'm gonna do whatever it takes so I can be here for my family . And when I finally reached the goal that I wanted to , I was like this feeling is amazing . I want to just help people that are struggling too . I want I want everyone to know that it's possible for them .
I want everyone to know that it's possible for them . I could do it , they can do it . I want people to have confidence in themselves and I just want to be a part of somebody else's journey and to know that they have someone they can go to and to lean on when times are hard Felt good .
You think that felt good to me . First off , nicole , my friend , what a powerful transformation right , and I'm sure the first time you tried to lose weight it worked right .
No , no-transcript like the lot like going into this current transformation .
Yeah , the time when you're like that's it , this is going to happen . What changed between that time and the times that you had tried to lose weight before ?
The motivation , the , the , my family , the key piece that I wanted to make sure that I was here to watch them graduate and watch them get married and watch them go up and have kids . Thanks a lot , mark . Yes , that was my big motivator and before it wasn't because they weren't always around , it wasn't actually like they .
I didn't have that growing up because obviously you have to have kids first , but there really was no motivator throughout my life as I was trying everything I could to transform in this way . But then , when I really started to think about it , and when it was , it was really a key moment .
One of my kids I don't know which one was like why don't you play with us ? And I was like shot in the heart . I was like , oh my God , I have to do something . I have to .
Yeah . So I want to go back to what you're talking about related to business .
Okay , because what you kind're talking about related to business , okay , because what you kind of talked about right there is you found the meaning , the why , your superpower in that respect , because I'm sure there was a lot of hard things that you had to do in order to lose 130 pounds , and it wasn't one day , it wasn't one book , it wasn't eating one good
meal . Right , it was this collection of consistency , learning , growing , trying things , adapting .
But it kind of sounds like it ultimately started with you actually making a decision , because a lot of times , like what I've heard a couple of different times , is you use the word try , of times , like what I've heard a couple different times , is you use the word try that last time you didn't try to lose weight .
You made a decision that you're going to do it and you made a decision and you aligned it with your core values of and I'm doing this for my family , and so this is kind of like a way that we can tap into , like , um , what other people like experience or think of us , but in a way where it's actually our superpower , right , where we're like .
Let me give you an example . All right Cause I'm going to ask you for a heart voice in a second is if your family is your superpower , then why can't we actually pull that over into your business and ask ourselves how is you know me showing up and me doing the things that I need to do when I'm uncomfortable ?
How does doing that actually set my family and my kids up for massive success ?
Not only because this is going to help us with financial freedom , not only because they're going to see their mom impact the world with her story , only because they're going to see their mom impact the world with her story , but what do you think is going to make possible for them when they see you , their super mom , their superhero , go , she can do it , I
can do it too . What kind of impact do you think ?
that's going to make on them . It's going to show them that they can do whatever they put their mind to yeah , that they can believe in themselves and whatever they want to do , to go after it and to know they can do it .
Now , when you say those things out loud , when you hear me describe this opportunity that you have , how does that make you feel ?
Empowered . It makes me feel good . It makes me feel good , it makes me feel capable .
Yeah .
So you're getting ready for a coaching session and your story is I have so much to offer , but the greatest gift that I have right now is to lean into what I'm capable of doing here , jumping in and coaching , because it's the greatest gift that I get to give my family , not only for financial freedom , but showing them what their mom can do and proving to
them that they could do it too . And when you think that it makes you feel empowered . When you're empowered , what are some of the actions that you take ?
I do everything I can to to get done what I need to get done to help others and to move the needle forward and to get the results that I want to see Helps me to feel motivated .
I love how you started , that you said I do everything that I can to be able to help others .
Do you see how , when we're focused on , like , let's say , your mission right , of showing up as the mom that you truly want to , that it is the most selfless thing that you can do , because , in reality , it gets you to show up for your client the way that they need you , which is just , nicole , not overthinking not , oh my God , like , what am I going to
do ? But instead going . I have so much to share . I don't know how I'm going to do it in one session , right , it's going to be like I'm going to do whatever I possibly can to help this other person and let them make a decision on whether this is good or not , but I promise you , at the end I'm going to give it my all .
And when you step into that level of confidence , like whether or not they decide to take it , or whether or not they , you know , say that it didn't work or whatever , I guarantee you , by doing that , you set yourself up for the best chance to be able to go in and help them and change their life forever . Because it's not about Nicole in that moment .
Right , it's about how can I help with my skills and the story that I've created . How can I help the other person on the other side of this ? And that melts all of the head voice away , because it's now about them and it's not about us , because head voice is all about us . Hard voice is all about others .
Now , when you are in a place of being empowered , what are some things that you're not doing ?
I'm not thinking about all the things that don't really matter .
Okay .
I'm just focused on spending a little bit of time to do what I need to do , and everything else can wait .
Um , because always like that's not going anywhere what are some things you're actually thinking about in that moment ?
You're there , you're preparing , you're thinking about , like , all the things that you're going to be able to do to help this person , because they have no idea about life coaching , they don't know how to lose weight , they don't know They've gone through so many of these other struggles that you've personally been through that you're going to be able to help guide
them through . What are some thoughts that you're in this empowered state ?
That I have the tools and resources that they need to help them , that I have had the struggles , I have had the trials and gone through it , trials and and gone through it . So I am I . I kind of know what to share with them if you know that they're struggling with . Usually they struggle with the same things that I've struggled with .
It's funny how it happens , um , but that I'd be able to to help them through those things because I've been through it . That is so .
That is so powerful . That is so powerful . So a couple of things come up for me . First off , thank you very much for going through that , for diving in , for being willing to like have this conversation , love that you're willing to do that and I know that so many other people got so much from this session .
But I'm curious , from just obviously you and I have in this coaching conversation , I'd love to hear , like , what was , um , what was your takeaway from this coaching session ? And the follow-up to that is like , what can you commit to doing as a result of having this coaching session today ? Well , I .
I think the biggest takeaway is that I am able to do what I'm set out to do , that I don't have to necessarily look for that outside validation , it's all on the inside . It's me validating myself and knowing that I can do it . And the more that I do it , the more comfort I'm going to get and the more people I'm going to be able to help 100% , 100% .
One of the things that we didn't talk about today and this is definitely something I like to bring up , because we don't really think about this while we're going through it in the moment , but Ed Milet has this really powerful quote . He while we're going through it in the moment , but Ed Milet has this really powerful quote .
He says we are most like equipped to help the person that we used to be right .
But , believe it or not , right now , the challenges that we're going through are also challenges that people are going through , and if we're willing to lean in , to get past it and to get around it , to get over it , to do whatever we need to , it now empowers us to help so many other humans get through it too .
So , reminding yourself of like , yes , there's so many obstacles that I've been able to get over , but even this one , even though right now it may not feel amazing , this is going to be a great gift that I get to give someone else , because I'm willing to fight the fight . I've decided to do it , not tried . I've decided to do it .
I've shared my reasons and now it's just a matter of I'm going to try whatever I can until I find a way of getting it done and just reframing it through . That will help you tap into all of those incredible actions that you were talking about .
Right , knowing that the way our brains work , it's still going to try and come up and remind you of those head voices . Our job is to retrain , it is to remember some of the affirmations that we were talking about , is to reprogram our brain by not only thinking about the impact that we're making , but also thinking about what we want to be able to achieve .
And when we lean into that , we bring all of that into the coaching session , instead of all of our head voice into the coaching session .
Right , I don't know about you , but I want to bring all of the hard voice that I possibly can into my sessions because , just like this one , like I want to help you so much that I'm going to bring everything that I possibly can , but you get none of my baggage .
You get none of my head voice , nicole , because I want to make sure I eliminate that so I can give you the best version of me , and that's what you get to do for your clients every single time . So I appreciate you for doing that .
Thank you for being on the show and thank you for being on the podcast , appreciate you a lot and I know a lot of people did get a lot from this . All right , and we would like to hear from you guys , if you guys are watching this on YouTube or listening to the podcast .
We'd love to hear what your biggest takeaway is and what you're committed to implementing the actions and , of course , the thoughts that you're going to , the stories you're going to tell yourself to get yourself to also show up in that way .
But remember , like this is a personal thing , so reminding you of what you're showing up for , why you're showing up , and like what's important , meaningful to you , is really the ultimate piece , right ? Because when you grab that , you can create that internal motivation that really is unstoppable .
So thank you guys for listening to another episode and thank you for what you do out there every single day , just like you , nicole .
¶ Dedication and Growth in Leadership
Thank you for , like I say this a lot , and that is like times of leadership are developed , not when everything is going well , but when things are . We're getting punched in the face , things are not going well and we're going through struggles and obstacles .
That is the greatest opportunity to develop our leadership , because the people who continue , are willing to lean in and work through it , which you 100% are .
I get messages from you all the time , like sending me messages about what's going on and things that you're going through , and that shows me that you're , like , really serious about this , and I'm super proud of you for that , because there's people out there on the other side who need to hear your story , right .
So thank you for being willing to do that , thank you for being willing to develop your leadership and everybody above all , keep leading for the front and we'll see you guys soon . Bye .