Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio Podcast.
Your girls looked beautiful? How are they? Is it so hard? I feel like that age. I'm just like scared of.
Be very scared. Yeah, the girls are doing good. And so you saw my two girls at jingle Ball. Remind me the ages again, sixteen and thirteen.
Okay, I'm just I remember what I was like at that age when my parents got divorced, and even so I just fear that age because of just that age and social media and everything else.
All of the above.
Yeah, it's interesting you brought that up, though, because when I announced my divorce, you were literally one of my first friends that texted me and you were like, you got this. And I remember saying to you at the time that she was fifteen at the time and now she's sixteen.
Stella.
She was having a hard time. Didn't want me to talk about their lives. And it is interesting because Billy's held seven.
She's going to be nine in January nine.
Yeh, god, wow, I got that wrong. Oh, because my son's seventh.
Sorry, we have eight kids between the two. Yeah, it's like, gosh, oh, so you're about to hit that song.
Oh my gosh, yeah, but she but yeah, she didn't want you talking about it.
And and you sent me a voice text that really helped me get through it because it was like, you know, I know, you know this world, and there's not many of my friends I can turn to to say, Hey, it's our lives are public, whether we talk about it or not, it's out there. And it's the same with you. And you know, she was like very much, So why do you have to do this podcast? You know, she was fine with nine O two one OMG, but misspelling,
why do you have to do that? Because that's talking about our lives and in her mind it was perpetuating it. And and you said something valuable. You were like, you know, this is you have to work for a living, and this is your work and this is what you do. And if you know, you don't say your narrative, someone else will create a false narrative. And you said, be strong and thank you for that. Sorry I sound like a stocker friend.
But no, of course, I think it's one of those things, too is and I still have to find my footing with it. And I've been you know, three half almost gosh, how many years divorced now like almost four, but was it three and a half? I don't know. But where I even still have to remind myself that my truth is okay to share. Now. Some of it I don't share to protect certain areas for the kids, but other areas I need to for not only like I want to, you know, because I know I'm not alone in it
and you're not alone in it. And so I think, and yes, it is like this. You have a podcast. I have a podcast, and that is ways of supporting our children, but also owning your truth is such a valuable thing, and especially in this day and age, like it's a beautiful thing to be sharing now, you know. And I think, and I think, I said, like, your daughter will she will recognize that. Maybe not now, but she will.
Yeah you did one day. Yeah, And I go with that, I really do. But it's hard, and of course i'm the same. There's so much I don't share, you know, and I know we're on the same page. There's there's stuff, you know, if people knew, it's like they'd be like and you're still standing. You're like, yeah, not just stand and walk and running.
Right through it all.
So yeah, but it's very challenging and I got to meet Alan.
Yah, You're gonna find that happy ending too. I promise you. I know you will if you want it. If you want that, like if if love is the if that's what you you know, if you want if you want to have that again. Some people are totally fine, and then they don't, they don't want that anymore.
No, I'd like to find love. And you said to me Friday night, are you doing? And I think the one thing I said to you is I said, I'm lonely?
M h.
And what did I say?
I'm blanking? What'd you say?
I said, there's a beauty in the loneliness, like you'll find like you find yourself in the loneliness. Like that's where I learned to really love myself in the loneliness.
It's not funny. I said the word.
I said that to you out loud, and then I just froze and shut down in my brain.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll have to keep hearing that. Yeah.
And everyone says, you know, be alone, be with yourself, and I always think, gosh and so o way, I have been with myself and been alone for fifty one years.
Well, and I just want to say this too, but like don't you feel I don't know if you felt the same way, But when I think back in my marriage of infidelity, I felt more alone in that marriage than I did post divorce, because it's such a lonely existence being with someone that isn't respectful to you in a marriage, and that makes you feel really lonely in a marriage, where it's like which one's worth worse being lonely in a marriage or being lonely outside of a marriage,
like which evil is worse? And to me, it's staying with a man that doesn't respect me that to me is more lonely.
It's true, but it was.
And I mean, you knew that I wanted to leave years before I left. I think we had this conversation when I did your podcast going now, like it was it two years ago and afterwards we had wine.
Talked us three years ago or something years ago?
Yeah, probably, yeah, yeah it was.
And you're like, I want to get out. I'm like, then get out, like you can do it, and you're like, I don't know, I'm I guess you can, which was like I was actually happy for you, isn't that morbid? Like I was happy for you when I found out the US, because I'm like, that's what your soul in heart really wanted. It's hard, but like I was so excited and like, finally you can like start over.
You know a lot of people were happy for me and nothing against my ex.
It's just it wasn't right.
But going back to being disrespected in a marriage when there's infidelity, it's interesting because you know what I don't know, I don't know, but what I do know because there, you know, there was the major infidelity that we had in our marriage that was made public. Not my choice, my choice are his. But I chose to stay and get past it and work on the relationship. But I don't know how much I didn't value the respect at the time that I was disrespected that that wasn't good for me.
I just was so focused on making sure.
The family stayed together that I don't think I ever from that moment on healed and that was gosh in it was twenty fifteen. So then we stayed together, which I'm happy we stayed together because there would be no Bo, who is my seven year old.
Sure, and I feel the same way about my little jas. I'm like I would never have had Jase, you know, like what a blessing those little babes were for us?
Right, So in some way, and I don't really believe in regrets. It's all a learning journey, but yeah, I never I guess that's the part I don't look back on and think like, oh, I was disrespected even now during my healing process until you brought that up. And I guess that's the part that I don't know how to connect with a partner because on some level, I think in relationships my entire life, I was disrespected, if that's.
How we want to put it, in fidelity.
So I don't know that part of finding a partner and needing respect, if.
That makes sense.
Have you talked about because I haven't listened well, but have you talked about dating yet?
Not really? No, okay, but you may.
I feel like, well, I'm just curious, like, have you because because of what you just said, like if you have started dating again, have you noticed that you were picking the same person or are you trying to find like is there similarities or Because I realized once I got I did this thing at a place called on Site, and it was probably the best healing work I ever did. And I love my therapist and who I just still go to her. She's fantastic. But there's this place that
just really like restarted me. And after that is when I started to have a different picker, I would say, because I had a different respect for myself. You text me done in book it is. I mean, I'm telling
you what. It is the most healing place ever and I've and I ended up doing there's like group settings, but you can also do one on ones and it is one on one with the one that I did was one on one with a therapist and you're in a room for eight hours, and I mean it is like it's called experiential therapy, but it is the most groundbreaking therapy work. And I mean that was that for me.
When I left on site, it was the start of like actual true I mean it was there was so much healing that and again I love my therapist and there's such good healing work that happens there. But like this is just like eight years of therapy in three days.
Like that's how like deep they go and how you know, I think that experiential work and just working through like childhood stuff to you know, to then you know the men that you've dated, and then you know what you want, and so there's just like a full circle and then when you leave, you just have this like weightlifted that you're able to really know exactly who you are and
what you want. And I mean it was I will absolutely text you the infote, but it's just such it was such a godsend for me post divorce that I just am always like tell people all the time, like, go to onsite, go to onsite.
I would like to try that. Since Dean and I split, I have dated just one person. And that experience was okay with my kids because it was someone that was familiar, Okay, someone that they knew that we were already friends, and the kids be divorced, the kids are friends, so that was okay with them, and he's still in my life, but in the future.
My sixteen year old did say the.
Other day that you want me to date anyone else?
Okay, but that's also oh you know, I'm gonna say to that. Yeah, Wait, what's her reasoning?
My six year old Mastella is the best and worst parts of me. She's so clever and so smart and so ahead of her time. And she's sixteen, so in the family, she is like the second mom. Sorry, she is like the second mom, and she helps raise everyone and do it with me and she knows my buttons though, And she said to me, you have so much going on, you have such a full plate, you work so much, and because of that, we've just been going in the last couple of years, and you don't always have enough
time for us. So we would not be okay with you having time for someone new.
What do you think that?
And I said, well, but you're okay if I'm dating this other person that you're familiar with that you like, and she.
Said, yeah, that's okay.
And I got frustrated and I said, well, I hear you, and I really am trying hard to balance everything and it's not easy, and I'm struggling between five kids, being a single mom.
Working, it's all a struggle.
But there has to be me time as well, which is something I never focused on even when I was with your dad.
So this is new to you, guys.
And this other person, when I did start dating him, I said, if you recall, you weren't happy about that either, and she goes, well, we'd rather you be with him because we know him and we're all friends. Than someone just completely knew. And she even said, like, I wouldn't want you to go on a dating site and someone knew come pick you up to go on a day?
What's a split between you and Dean with the parenting time?
They live with me? Okay, so they are with me.
That's hard, and that's hard. That's and he sees them, yeah.
He does.
You know, we do school drop off and pickups together and and right now we have a situation where he's very open to you know, when they want to come over, he's open to it.
It's not like a hard.
Rule like split weekends. He wants them to go at their own pace. And you know, some are open, some are not at this point. And yeah, it just it was odd to me because I said, okay, what timeline is, like fine, like five years from now? Are you okay with me? And she's like, I guess so. And I was just like, oh, man, like why am I even
saying that? I shouldn't have even said five years? Like eventually, you know, what we hope as parents is we do the best we can with our little birds, and one day they fly the nest and then they're out there doing their thing and I'm like I did say to her, I call her buggy and I said, Buggy, I know you don't want this, and I don't want to suddenly be seventy and be alone. And then I'm like, oh man, it's too late to find someone. And she's like, no, no, no,
I don't want you alone. I just think right now, for now, we wouldn't be okay with you going on a date with anybody else. And that hit me me hard because I was like, Okay, well this one other guy. Hope he comes through, because great, I'm not allowed to date anybody else.
I think, and I'm not. I am like, obviously I don't. I'm not a therapist or whatever. But the thing that I hear is like remembering, like who's the parent in it? You know, like you are their mom. You know, at the end of the day, you know what's best, and it's hard to juggle all the things. But if you want to go on a date with someone that you are excited about or that you meet, you are the parent you can that's those are your choices. They can't
dictate what you do as an adult. And when they're given that control, I feel like there's and again I don't know the ins and outs of it, but like I feel like if they're given that control, then they think that they can just puppet string you. And it's like no, no, no, like you are in control of your own puppet strings, you know. And yes, our kids dictate,
like my kids dictate my schedule. My kids, you know, but that's because you know, I want to go to their sports and this, that and the other, and you know that's the I shouldn't say dictate, that's not the right word. But you know, my world revolves around my kids. Having said that, I also have to take care of
myself too. I have to. I have to, you know, make sure that my husband and I have For example, you know, we stayed in Nextra day in Los Angeles instead of going home because I'm like, we don't ever get time to ourself. We need time to ourself, or like we are the thing that needs to stay steady for our kids and you know, for you know us as our marriage, like we need this time together. So like you also as a single mom, you need your night out by yourself, whether that be with a man
or by yourself or with your girlfriends. Like they cannot control what you do for your self, heeling journey, for yourself, or for anything else. Like And the thing is is like you shouldn't be made to feel bad about the choices that you make because you're always putting your kids first. That's what we do as moms. We're always going to
put our kids first. But I'm sorry, We're going out for one night to go either have a nice meal that someone cooks for us or that someone pies for us, like as a single mom, like whatever, go out, you know, like, don't let them pull those strings. I don't know, maybe I'm gonna get shit for that, but.
I know no, you're right, You're right. See I'm hearing you. But I'm just like, my mom.
Guilt is totally I get it.
And I didn't put the I turned on.
Movies because I'm like, I don't want to like be away for an extra two weeks, you know what I mean. Like, and I'm like, I, Kasha, why didn't I do that movie this year? I could have easily done it, and like, yes, my kids would have missed me, but you know what, they also I'm also here ninety nine percent of the time, you know, when I'm not filming or doing something, so like we we we shouldn't feel guilty about doing things that we need to do for us and also to
support our kids. I agree, and remember who is the adult you are it it's we.
Move like such a unit now, you know. I came into my marriage with Dean from him and I both coming from other marriages. We were both married when when we met, which you know, I got a lot of shit for that, like a homewrecker, you know. And then when he did end up, you know, cheating on me, and people were like, well, you reap what you sow and so what you reap what? Yeah, they were like, well karma, you know, and it's.
Like it was so it was hard.
Because I went into the marriage with him wanting to He had a son who was seven at the time, which is the age of my youngest now that I'm going through a divorce with Dean.
I was very mindful. You know.
Everyone said, don't try to be the parent, don't you know, and I said no, no, no, and tried to have a really good relationship with his mother. I feel like I did all the right things. And then when Deane and I started having kids together, I just, you know, I really tried to create that fairy tale.
I guess that I.
Thought they needed, they wanted that I had hoped they would have, and pulled it off for a really long time until I couldn't control the outside world, I couldn't control what he did on the outside world, or it kind of caving in on us. And when that happened, I feel like I had to let go of everything and just kind of And that's when, if people look back, my narrative really changed, you know, because I did go into the marriage with Dean believing in true love, and
I still believe in true love. That hasn't swayed me. I've never given up on love. I just feel like, I don't know, I really wanted to be everything to everyone, and then when it just was slipping away, I just was like, Okay, I have to open up and kind of share this because there was no other option at that point, because other people were creating the narrative, and I was like, no, no, no, no, So I have to share my story. And that's when I feel like, you know, publicly, things drastically.
Changed in my life. You know, I was, you know, Dean and I were.
Like this perfect couple in people's eyes, and we had this adorable, perfect family, and we had this reality show where while it was all super real, it was you know, light and bright and fun and people I would meet fans all the time that say, I hope I meet a Dean and I knew the truth behind stuff, and I was like, yeah, because there are great qualities about Dean. I wouldn't have been with him to begin with. There
warn't I wouldn't created these five children with him. But it wasn't my truth and I couldn't completely speak it. And I hope I have your life. I hope you know you have the perfect relationship. And it was so far from perfect.
And you know, I.
Had all you know, the brand deals and all the things like it all looked perfect on paper to the outside world and everyone. And then when it fell apart, it like really fell apart. And it's interesting because you know, this world, when it falls apart, people love when it falls apart, and the media loves to grasp onto that. And then it just got perpetuated to this point where you know, my daughter was reading things like toy spelling and her kids are homeless living in an RV, you know,
and we were on vacation. It was like so many It's like, now, you know, toy is a mess, and it's like I talk about my life being messy, but you know, am I literally a mess?
No?
I'm doing really, I'm doing a damn good job considering what we're going through. But it's interesting how the media just picks up on something and goes with it, and it's like, does that ever come back around?
I mean, like, like you said, they love to they love it when people are in their downfall, you know, I mean the monath times that I'm like cool. They never talk about anyone super in love or happy. It's only usually the bad stuff.
Which is really unfortunate. And I know, you know it's not a headliner. It's not grabbing. You know, I'm well aware that you know when this podcast airs that the media will grab the little bits you and I are talking about out of context and grab that and make it a headline. That seems terrible, but I don't know. I'm grateful for the podcast world, as I know you are, because we can change the narrative and speak our truth.
I have a question where I mean, now you have three kids and Roman, oh my god is one now he's one?
Ye?
How did that go so fast? I mean so fast, it's crazy.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, he's I haven't met him in person, but obviously I see him every day on your socialism.
It's so cute, yummy, And you know what I love.
I love seeing photos and I guess being now a single mom and looking for that like what will be my next I love pictures of seeing the three kids and you and Alan and Alan's arms around the kids and Jason.
Julie seems so happy with.
Him, and that it's like there's hope, there's there can be acceptance having a stepparent.
Yeah, I mean, Alan is he's an incredible stepdad and then obviously father to Roman, but but he really I mean, I mean the kids. His birthday is this week, so I'm going to post like some photos of I I was pulling together some photos to post and I'm like, they're always just on top of him and like either just so sweet and like they just they love him so much. And it's it's beautiful because my kids, I mean, they're around him more than my ex husband because we
have them. My ex only has them like eight days a month, so you know, we have seventy percent at the time. So I mean, like, Alan's how he you know, treats and treats me. Not only is beautiful because the kids see how it should be. You know. I think back to some pretty volatile fights that Jolie had to witness, and it's like, oh, like I just it's I'm glad that she's able to see, Okay, this is how, this is how this should look, and this is how a
man should treat, you know, his wife. And and yeah, I mean and Alan's just I mean he's the best chef, best dad and they love him. So that's that's really beautiful in the end. And for me, it's like, I hope it gives people hope because I was also that person in bed crying post divorce, saying no one will love me. My past is so you know, bad, and people are going to just think, you know, that I'm the common denominator and everything else that I've been told
from my past, people that I was the problem. You know. I just thought that I was so unlovable, and then I found a man who loves every single part of me, the good and the bad. So it's out there, you know. But I had to do a lot of work to get to that point to even think that I deserve that.
Yeah, oh, two things. So you're saying Julie saw symbolical fights. That definitely makes me sad that the last memory that the kids have of my soon to be ex and I together were those fights. And I never wanted them to witness anything. Yeah, I never wanted them to witness anything. And it's it got to the point where I couldn't keep it from happening, and it was happening so often.
And I remember.
Who's now thirteen, saying to me before Dean and I split, Mom, what would it look like if you found someone who treated you right?
What would it look like?
She was presenting it to me in that way, and she was scared to ask me because I think she didn't know if I want it out, And I said at the time, I said, I made excuses. You know, your dad and I fight. And Dean is now sober, and I'm always defending everybody. Sorry, but it's and I'm very proud of the hard work he's done. And I hope he stays with it, and I believe he will this time. We've gone through it before in our relationship
with him. Sober not sober, But it meant so much when your daughter sees that, because I'm like, no, this is imprinting on them.
And while I.
Have three boys, it specifically spoke to me on a level that the girls like, they see this and I don't want this to be imprinted, that this should be allowed.
The disrespect.
Well, I think one thing though, from my childhood was very volatile. I saw a lot of fights. What my mom did wrong in that, and she did what she could at that time, but she stayed. So what I
learned was that was what was acceptable. The difference with you and me as we left, we're showing so they might have yes, witnessed, and so this is where I'm like, I has helped me not have the shame piece of letting my daughter see some not good fights, But like, if this might help you too, is that we're breaking the cycle by choosing not to allow that anymore, and so that they know that that's not acceptable. They saw it, they witnessed it, and now they know that's not acceptable,
so when that happens, they'll leave too. What happened with me is that I just thought I deserve that, which is why my mom stayed, which is why I stayed in my other previous ones. You know, so at least you're breaking, so give yourself some credit for that.
Yeah, a little sooner would have been better.