Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. My husband and I were together for twenty years, married eighteen, together almost twenty and he has better organizing skills than I do. You know, we came from very different backgrounds. He came from a background where at a very young age he had to step up and do everything. I came from a background where I didn't have to and I'm learning as an adult on the go in the middle of things. So when we were together, he did do a lot
of that. And coming from a background where I'm just going, going, going, I always talk about I'm in fight or flight. You know, what is the next moment bringing for all of us, you know, financially, emotionally, all of it. And it's challenging not having him here. And while it's definitely for the best for the family that we are getting a divorce and we have two separate households, it's challenging not having
that partner. He did help me with a lot of that stuff, so now it falls, you know, and I was always a good cop. He was bad cop. It's just from by DNA and design, So you know, I had to take on that role once he was gone of being strict. He used to have signs. He would put signs in our house, like above the trash, take it out with like an arrow down pointing down at it, like he would put his schedule up like this one walks the dogs this day. My brain doesn't think that way.
So I say to the kids all the time, do you want me to go back to notes all over? No? No, no, we can do it. I said, okay, because you know you listen to dad when he well, you didn't listen to You had to put notes up for you guys to do it. I'm like stuck in this situation and I don't feel I know they can do it, but they won't do it.
So Tory, I think a couple things is one person's way to do things doesn't necessarily work with another's.
Right.
So maybe one person says, you know, I need to do laundry every Sunday and I need to commit to that, versus some people say I need to do it every two days, or I need to set a reminder. I need to have a schedule. You know, I still have one of those books that open up that's a paper schedule, and other people want to look at their phone. So
everybody has different systems that works for them. I think you're trying to find your system, but I think you're also trying to find your power, because I'm not feeling that you feel you have power, even though you say to the kids like, hey, this is what we need to do, and then they say okay, and then they're
running off to something else. Right, And that's where the family work has to happen, where they they don't understand because nobody, not me, and not somebody else who's in your situation, can possibly understand what it's like to be a single parent with five children period.
Right.
Then you have the demands of finances, You have the demands of running the household, paying bills, whatever that looks like. Right, And this is where I loop back to just even five children with not having to do any of those others is more than a full time job. But you've got it all loaded on you, and I have this sense that you feel like you've got to do it all.
And I think part of this conversation is you can't do it, but what you have to do is to find the room to do it, and something will have to give.
Right.
Maybe it might be that you know I don't know, you know what is in your life right now, but something has to give in another place to make room for you to attend to I would say starting probably with your home, if I if I had to guess, right, and with your home means starting to figure out how to get it in order, but also sitting down with your family and giving them an opportunity to talk about how they feel about being in the home, what they would like, and then talking about how they can start
to contribute. Right, it's a family of six, it's not tory, it's a family of six. It's everybody involved. And once everybody can start to contribute, and I'm really just talking
about the daily stuff. Helping with dishes, helping with set up the table, helping with laundry, making their beds, you know that sort of thing like those would all be you know, maybe important things we haven't talked about the specifics, right, And then for you helping you to start to pare down the stuff that you need to let go of, and then figuring out ways for the daily management of the home environment, because with six people taking out the trash,
wiping down the counter, putting things in the dishwasher, all of that you have plenty of people to keep a basic household running. But we have to make sure that Tori is not bringing in more stuff. And if stuff is coming in, you open up the package. The SAD or whatever helping you to develop skills to say, Okay, you know what, I'm going to switch out these lotions these bars of soaps with the ones that are actually from twenty twenty two. And again I'm making this up right,
and then we're going to take these two donation. But there has to be a process of what comes in. We can't just let it keep coming in. And again that's where we started. There has to be a purging process. And wherever this podcast, this conversation lands us, I am happy to help you. I'm happy to work with you. I'm happy to fly down. We're in California together. You know, we can kind of do a little bit of a maybe a mass attack. But I will say, Tori, it's
so important that you include the family. And this is a message to your listeners as well that anytime somebody is struggling with something, the key is is we have to look at the people that we live with and identify how they can be a part of the solution because you have named it and you can't do it on your own. And you know, I talk about a racetrack, right, most of us have seen racehorses or dog races or that kind of thing. And where where do they start and end?
Right?
They start at the same place and they end at the same place. And we stuck in your head and you just keep looping around and looping around. And I know that this is emotionally super taxing for you. So
that alone is physically exhausting. But then you know, trying to figure out, figure out, figure out, well, you know, when what we're doing isn't working, we have to try different, We have to do something different to get off that racetrack, you know, And your openness, your vulnerability is you know, just so amazing because I know so many of your viewers are struggling with similar circumstances and they don't know how to get off that racetrack. But the only way
you get off is to do something different. You've got to ask for help. You've got to get to a place where you're willing to take that time to figure out what I need to do to do so that I can fix this problem. Because that time that you take will exponentially take care of the emotional and the physical stuff that is taxing you in other ways.
I agree it weighs on me constantly. There's not a moment I don't think about it, and I'm not a moment. I'm not confronted with it because I walked through my house constantly and it's just I remember growing up. I had a friend and her family was wonderful. But I would go to their house and like the kitchen counter, for example. It's not that their house their house was clean, it wasn't that, but if there was space on the counter,
there was something on it, it was fully utilized. And I remember looking at that and it was very different than my house. Everything was spotless. Granted, you know, my mom and dad had a lot of help this family. It was just mom and dad, so but I remember thinking like, oh my gosh, that's what a counter shouldn't look like. And gosh, I was like twelve years old, and I still think about it every day when I
look at my kitchen counter, I'm like, I'm that mom. Yeah, if there's space and it's not me alone, but it's me too, it will be utilized. So we clean something up. We put things away. Every time something's used, it doesn't get put away. It just builds and builds and builds, and then we just kind of ignore and go to the next area. And it's just And I have one daughter that her brain does think very organizational. She can organize this, she can organize the fridge, and she'll do
all that. It looks great. And I went into her room the other day and I was like, her desk, it is like every space would had something on it. I was like, oh my gosh, even look at her. She was my organized one, and she's turning into me. I was like, oh gosh. When my husband and I started having kids, we had a reality show. And we had a reality show for seven years, and you know behind the scenes is there's crew, there's people that are
willing to help. So I, you know, went from being this kid that grew up always having people around to help clean up to being an adult and having my own kids and having people around to always help clean up. So there was things would come in, they would help us sort through it, they would help us move things out on you know, wherever they needed to go. And again, yeah, I no longer have that so yeah, if someone could help me for a day or two, I don't want
this life. Like I it's troubling when we have people over. The kids know the drill. We have five hours. Guys, open the closets, put it in the laundry room, close the door. It's like everything is shoved in places, and then you know, people come over and it's like, oh, it looks great. But then we never take the stuff out. You know, it's like.
The more stuff is coming in, and so.
Every closet is just and I want to let I want to let it go. I'm not even at that point anywhere where I'm holding onto things emotionally. Maybe the jeans a little bit, but.
I you can it's fine, fine, fine, okay, okay, I got to be completely honest here and transfer it. But everything else, like I'm doing this podcast with you, and I'm looking around and you know, just to sit down to do this podcast, I had to move things out of the way. If I turn this camera around right now, people would be like horrified. And again, it's not like it's dirty.
It's just stuff. So Tori, let's do it, really, really, I don't want to add to your plate. You have a million things going on, and see that's where I'm going to start to minimize myself, like, well, there's so many deserving people out there that need your help. Why need right, So when.
Your people, I guess I should say, reached out to me and they were like, well, you know, I said how long, and they're like, oh, if you can give me a half hour, and I'm like, I'll give you an hour. I'll give you whatever you need, like whatever you need, like I'm here. Something that is going to be important to think about is the bigger picture, right, So it's not just you know I talked about you know, when things come in, if there's no room, other things
need to go out to make room. But it's definitely a bigger it's a bigger picture. And you said something and I don't remember exactly what your words were, but like, yeah, I can get the place cleaned up, but then like what after that, Like it's I don't want it to
go back again. And that's where I think the support in if you're open to one possibly having somebody come into your house to help purge that garage, right, No one's saying like, you know, one of the things I think that when we go into homes.
They have this.
Idea because of other messages people have got. You want me to get rid of everything? No, I don't. I don't want you to carry everything. I just want you to get rid of the things that are not serving a functional purpose for you.
Right.
So, going back to storage units, I have had people who have said, I have a storage unit full of holiday items and every Christmas I go. I pull those out, every Thanksgiving, every fourth of July. I actually use it. So great, like, there's nothing wrong with having a storage unit as long as things aren't just sitting there for years, right, and you're just paying for something that you're not using.
But the idea would be to say, how can you pare down the things that I'm not going to say are not a value to you because you're holding on because they are of value to you in some way. But how can you purge down the things that are just going to sit in boxes that you can identify I'm never going to use. Are they things you can sell or the things you can donate? Whatever that looks like, and then have here's a key access to the items
that you want. You're like, oh my gosh, this jacket, this that or whatever, and then there's an organizational system to where you can pull that off the shelf, that box, that bin, you have access because I you know, again going all the way back to my wall. If there's boxes here and they're stacked all the way up to the ceiling, I'm not going to dig for them. But what is a really cool experience and I think you know this is when you can get to it and
you can access it. You're like, look and see and we can yeah, right, And so getting that paared down and then getting to a place and this is the key, because Tory, this isn't just about you. It is entirely about your family. And when I say your family, the sixth of you, that the kids have to be a part of it, right. And that's just not sitting down and creating a chore list and say okay, this is what you need to do. It's it's far more than
that because I think that in individually they have a voice. Individually, they have maybe some struggles as to why they can or can't do things or don't do things whatever. And then bringing that all together as a family, as a family unit to then work together because you're operating in a system, right, and if one or more parts of that system is not operating, it affects the other part
of the system. And right now you're trying to be the engine of the total operational and albeit like you're trying to delegate and you're like, hey, can you do this and they're like yeah, sure, and then they walk off and you're like, Okay.
They'll do it in the moment because they see that I'm disappointed or you know that I'm bummed or I'm doing it, So they will do it in the moment, but they won't maintain that.
And so so there we go. That's where the key is is that everybody kind of has their responsibilities and that doesn't make you in any way a bad mom to have your children have responsibility, right, And so so having this team, having this this togetherness, and it sounds like that some of what like Dean had for you that was difficult for you. So finding finding your voice and finding the system that works for you is what's going to be most most important. Signs. I don't know
if they work. Whatever it is, maybe a chore list, a check off, I don't know.
Right, I'm not like, I'm not the calendar paper person. And I'm also not the calendar in my phone person. Unfortunately, I work from a system in my brain. I have a really great memory and I remember everything, but it's exhausting. It's so that systems no longer serving me, yeah as well as it used to. So I need to transition the system in my brain into something physical and make it, yeah, happen for my family.
And I think it's part of the process. And you know, toy insight what leads us to change, don't have insight to do change. And that's so much of what I work with in my facility is that we have to have a person understand what's going on in order to
then make change. And if you've been doing the same thing that isn't working, then it's not going to work, right, I mean that sounds so silly, right, So thens as we get older and as our needs change, as our functioning changes, as memory changes, how do we adjust with that?
And the reality is that first of all, five children seven to set well, their needs are going to keep changing as some boot in adulthood, as the younger ones are changing into you know, their teens, that kind of thing, like all of that is going to keep changing and that does require you. It requires so much from you.
So I really hope that this conversation has empowered you in some way to say, as much as I don't feel like I have the time to set aside for this, I know that if I set this time aside, it's actually going to give me more time in the long run, both emotionally and also physically, because you will. You will
read so many benefits. And I think that will even include your relationship with your children in way I know you know again they're your priority, and the love of your your your children just like exudes you know, in so many different ways. You know. It's interesting because someone breaks their leg and they don't even think about going to the doctor, right right, But sometimes we're struggling emotionally.
Those are the things that will put our time off because we don't give it the same importance or relevance as as a statical.
It doesn't seem like an emergency or priority, but it is. Yeah, Well, thank you. I would love to work with you.
Well, I would love to work with you, and I think that this would be a separate conversation that you and I can have and I just really want to acknowledge your transparency and your vulnerability and being open, sharing your home and just talking about this, because you know, the first step to change is acknowledging there's a change.
But your story has changed so many people out there today that you you you know maybe from a distant level, but you may not hear about people may share with you on Facebook, but your realness is so powerful.
Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm trying. And it's interesting when when I hear something, I want to immediately do it because if I don't immediately do it, I won't do it. So I'm like, oh my gosh, I hear this. I'm super empowered right now. Like as soon as I like get off of here with you, I'm like, oh, I have a zoom meeting bafter that, I'm like, I need to like clean and do and like start to
organize it. I'm like, oh, nope, pick up, pick up, pick up, And then tomorrow became amount of conversations still not doing anything because I won't have time. It's just yeah, So I feel like people need to ask for help because it's like they say it takes a village, but I mean it.
Does take a village, and you know, Tori, it's not about you starting to clean or starting to try to figure it out. I think you've got to like ask for help and accept the help and take that take that advice. You have lived a lifetime of people directing you, right, So when you go in on a scene, right, you just don't do whatever you want to do, right, someone is directing you. You have a script, people are saying, oh,
can we change this, can we do this? Oh, let's let's redo that, right, And you don't just go, oh, well, you know, I want to do it my way. Right, You directed in various ways any of your life, much of your life. And so this is what I would say is I'm not saying that someone needs to direct you. I guess what I should say is they.
Do they do I take direction? Really well? Yeah?
Yeah, and so that's even better, right, that's even better. And so this is what I would say. When we're done, I'm going to reach out follow up, and you know what it's it's not about what you do when we hang up the phone. It's not about what you do tomorrow. Really what it is. And I'm talking to you and I'm talking to your listeners because I know You're doing this podcast because you want to be an inspiration to others.
You want to use your story. You have books, you have you know, so many venues in which you are trying to inspire others. That could you imagine after this that we do another pot cast and all the things that you did after this to say you know what I followed through.
I would love that