MISlabeled (Part 1)

not about people who are in extreme situations. My book was about how being people who are struggling with clutter at all different degrees, right, And so so many people will say, yes, I'm a hoarder and they're really comfortable with that, and other people will say, like, I feel like that's a term that's defining who I am as a person. And so I believe, like anything that whether you have a cold to the flu, to pneumonia. Right, there are things that are on a continuum, and so

there's people that struggle with clutter. There's people that struggle with clutter and it's starting to kind of go into their house. You know, they can't sit on the couch, the laundry's there, you know, maybe there's dishes in the sink. It's hard to kind of make meals. And then it kind of increases to the point where you've probably seen extreme situations on Hoarders where we have teeny tiny pass and we're going, you know, crawling up, walking through that

kind of thing. So it's on a continuum, right, So there's people that can say I struggle with clutter, and you know, I feel like I'm getting into some hoarding behaviors, meaning that I'm starting to acquire more that I'm comfortable with and I'm struggling letting go or toy I kind of call it from the beginning on the front end of the back end. So maybe someone isn't actually like going out and purchasing, but whatever's coming in they're having

a hard time letting go of. So maybe they're ordering the ghost stuff, right, maybe they're ordering to go stuff and they think oh my gosh, I can use this tray, this container for something else. I can put stuff in it, I can reuse it, that kind of thing. But also

letting go of stuff from the past. So how often do we have clothing from genes from ten years ago, twenty years ago, and we think, oh, oh my gosh, I'm going to lose weight, or I'm going to fit into these, I'm going to work out, I'm going to do this. But you can't let go, and so the closet starts filling up. So, Tori, when it becomes a problem without giving it a label as saying I'm a hoarder, right, you know, it's when those items that clutter is interfearing

with one's life and the life of the around them. Okay, so no one is saying that. You know, at the end of the meal, you need to do the dishes. You know every day you need to do your laundry, every day, you need to make your bet. The key that we're looking at is is the stuff interfering with your personal wellbeing and the personal wellbeing of those around you, those that live with you, And are you also inhibiting people from coming over to your home or your work

or your transportation or whatever. That is where you are not feeling comfortable because either you're worried about judgment, you're worried about what they're going to say, you're tired of the conversations and the arguments, or like they can't come over because there's no place for them to have a meal or to sit. And I would also say something important to consider is are those around you expressing concern about the amount of stuff with any condition that someone's

struggling with. You have to kind of pull in the information and to say, let me look at all these different factors and then let me let me see where this is at. But at the end of the day, Toy, you know, at fifty nine, I can't believe I say that, Like that's so hard for me. But at fifty nine, right, I want to live the best value driven life that

I can. And you know that's Tessa that we started with and taking care of her and loving her and giving her a good home and having the time to provide for her, you know, being able to celebrate the holidays, have family over, or you know, just be comfortable in my environment. But when that stuff begins to kind of bleed in that for me is when there is something for someone to look at.

for stuff accumulated. And I grew up seeing my parents would have, you know, huge storage units and they were always cataloged, and but I was kind of like, oh, okay, it's okay to have a lot of stuff come in as long as you have a place to put it. So I think when I moved out on my own at almost nineteen, I it's kind of what you know, So I immediately was like, oh, I need to get

a storage unit. And all of the Christmas decorations go there and it's okay that you know, all the clothes I wear on nine o two and oho, I'm not getting rid of them. They're going into a storage unit, which, you know, just kept going and going, and then I got married, they had five kids. It just kept going to the point where I had vast amounts of storage units that then didn't really work with my lifestyle anymore,

and upkeeping that and financially maintaining that. But I didn't let go of it because I was just going and going. So eventually I got to the place where I remember having a conversation with my ex saying to him he would always say, we should get rid of stuff. You should, you know, clean out stuff. In fact, when we first met, I had a home that I was renting and before we had kids, obviously, and I had one room that I had turned into just a closet because I had

so much suck. And I remember him saying like, you know, the thing is like, if you haven't worn in a year, you should get rid of it. And I was just like, okay, this is I drew a hard line there. I'm like, when it comes to fashion, I'm not just a believer. I know everything comes back and I was like, I'm not willing to negotiate on that. So we did have this like massive estate sale. When we first got married, I was pregnant with my first baby, and we let

a lot of stuff go. The clothing, though, I'm really glad I hung onto it. And I remember him saying like, I've never even seen you in a blazer. I'm like, that's Chanel and I'm like it's vintage, and I was like, but those are things you hold on too, I would say, But I do have to say that my sixteen year old is really happy that I kept a lot of that clothing because it all came back in, like, you know,

ed hardy and juicy cature. And she's like, you have the og like sweatsuits and the og jeans And I was like, yes, because I knew they would eventually come back in. But I'm not saying there's not a part of me that just wasn't willing to let that go. But for fashion's sake, I'm going to say that I knew it would come back in. But then after we started having more kids, we obviously it's like you're saying,

accumulated more stuff. It wasn't always buying stuff. It was just things coming in and I remember, sorry, going back to the conversation that I said to him at one point after we had had our fourth baby and kind of our lives were at an impasse. Our personal life was kind of falling apart, which we then went on

to rebuild. At the time, I think this was in twenty fifteen, I said to him, I don't want to get rid of all the storage units and everything I have because it feels like everything I have worked so hard for in my career, in my life is there, and it's almost like letting go and discrediting everything I've worked hard for.

in media land? Right? Does that make sense.

purchase those that clothing for your child? I mean, I mean I get like in today's day, some of the name brands you're talking about have have like grown exponentially financially, right, But I think Tory, what we're really getting at is is it cause you more disruption in your life to hold on to these storage units financially? Like when you look at a storage unit, right, Like if you look at all the way back to my back wall, and if this was full, right, if I'm like, oh my gosh,

I want to go get that Chanelle jacket. Am I going to open up my storage unit and start purging through all the way to that back wall? Not likely? And you'll probably take your your daughter down and buyer something, right because it's a lot less time.

from my lack of time. And when I do have time, it's a vicious circle because with five kids now and being a single parent now, it's hard and my priority list that's not up there, but it should be because it would free up space and it's just sitting in the boxes. I don't know if I used to think that my letter came from me, you know, just holding

on to stuff and it was an emotional thing. But I got to tell you, whenever I and I you know, go away to do a movie or the kids and I go somewhere, say, you know, rent an airbnb for a week or something, I notice that I'm so happy because it's clean, there's no clutter, and I'm actually it's

like starting over and I'm able to you know. Sometimes we'll go to like Big Bear Lake, Arrowhead, and once we get into that clean, perfect house, I'm like, I feel great and I'm really good actually at delegating and

making the kids be accountable. But when it's in our own home, I feel like, Okay, I'm in work mode, going, going, going, you know, besides working you know, full time as a single mom and not on a schedule like it's very you know, up and down, up and down, and being a full time uber driver, you know, with four schools, have four different pickups for five kids. It's a lot. And I'm not saying that this is giving me. I'm

not meaning to sound defensive because I'm not. I want a solution, but it just you know, we moved into a new house last year and it started clean, and then once all of our stuff came in and then I'm really grateful. I'm I'm in a world in a business where you know, people send us stuff a lot, and I'm always so grateful, but it just adds adds to and we don't have a super large house, so it's like there is no room for it. And I'm like, well, someone just sent me that. I'm feel bad giving it away.

So whereas like if my friends were to come in that have like a very organizational type brain, they could be like here, put this here. I don't think like that. So it's like I'll get to that when I can get to it, and then all of a sudden, it just keeps adding.

in this house and I'm not getting the support. And granted I take responsibility. I'm sure I showed them that I wasn't that type, you know, because growing up I didn't have to clean up after myself and my parents and had people around that would help us. And when a lot of my kids were young, you know, we were in a very stable financial realm. I was working constantly on shows and doing and we did have people helping us, and I feel like they didn't feel like

they really had to do anything. And now it's us, and it's like, well, you know, I didn't learn until I was older and moved out, you know, And I know it's probably hard. You weren't used to having to make your bed, but now you have to make your bed, and but yeah, they're all very much like me, so it's not a good thing.

goes on with kids today. Keeping up with the shopping, keeping up with the clothes, keeping up four different kids at different schools. You're the driver, Like that alone is a lot, right, So now we add on some struggles with being able to manage the household environment, and that that is just when you struggle with that, then you add that on to all the other responsibilities, and then it's just it just blows up, right, so it doesn't

get done. And the thing that I want to tell you is that I hope that you have some self compassion for yourself, because if you were not raised in an environment you don't. If you were not raised in an environment where you had to do those things, I think there is an assumption that then you should suddenly be able to do those things right. And one might say, well,

what's the big idea about making a bed? Well, if a child has been raised where they haven't had to do that, and then other demands come on, and now you know, there can be other stuff, maybe attention you've got, you know, thinking about your career and all the other stuff that's coming on. Like I do know I have been called many times at the last moment saying can you fly out tomorrow? I'm like, okay, all right, let me just like sit and figure this out, right, But

my life is very different. I don't have five children. So how does somebody in your situation where the demands and people are calling, with your career and the other things, then taking care of your children and managing all that, and then on top of that, trying to manage a home in and of itself. Because this is why people have full time housekeepers. They don't do anything else, they just manage the home, right, and you're trying to do

it all. And that's where the piece that I would say, with the self compassion, I hope you can start to give yourself that or think about that because you're taking on a lot that seems like too much to bear. And so you then are raised in an environment where you didn't have these challenges, and now you have these challenges. Things have changed. You were in a big home. Yeah, we had all the room. Now we don't have the room. The good news is you're not paying for the storage units.

Now it's in the garage. Now what do I do? But the problem is is you have all of these people that are sending you things generously, which is great, the thoughtfulness all of that, but there has to be where we started with, when things come in have to go out right, So you say as a mom, like, yeah, we can use this soap, we can use this that or whatever. But then when it gets to a level, then you have to get to a point to say, okay, you know what, we're going to go down to the

local shelter and donate this. We're gonna you know, and that that probably is like a real challenge because when you're saying, well, what if no more supplies come, or you know, what if I don't have work for a while, or you know, what if? What if? And that's a lot of what happens in terms of why people have struggles letting go is because they live a lot in the what if and so if I give this up, what if I regret it? The thing that we want to really get back to is what do you want

your life to look like? And what do you want your environment for yourself and your children to look like? Because when you talk about going to Big Bear or Arrowhead and all these places and you walk in and you're just like, oh my gosh, this is so freeing, relieving.

And granted those areas, right, hotels are going to be much more sterile and this is not going to have as much stuff, but getting to a place where you can laugh and giggle and jump on the couch and the animals can run around and everybody's happy, and you know,

people aren't feeling tax because of the stuff. And like a movie, right, you can have a scene and suddenly they can remove that tree, they can move that, or they can move that, and then you look and you see the difference and even though like, yeah, that was a beautiful tree, or that was a great thing, like the relief toy that you're going to have by letting go is going to be far greater because the distress this is creating for you is very powerful for you.

And you know, the truth is I followed you long ago, long ago, and the reason was, interestingly enough, is because you'd pop up on Facebook and the things that I saw was you and your kids, You and your kids, you and your kids, and I just thought, Wow, this

is a mom whose focus is on her kids. And so I followed you and it was so fun to see and watch and I feel like that's what's drawing us together now, and that is that you're looking for help, You're looking for answers but how how do I find the time to do what I need to do in this particular area. Right, You're doing what you need for your kids, making sure they have an education, their clothes,

they're fed, they're socialized. You're doing all that, and how do I, in the midst of all of this other stuff find time to do this? And I have to tell you, I admitted three patients today into our program and we had a discussion about you know, there's never a good time to go into treatment, especially the holidays, right, But like so January comes, well, it's a new year, New Year's resolution. Right, there's never there's never a good

time because there's always things to do. Yeah, no bucket list, tory bucket list. Right. So I don't have kids, but I have a horse, I have a donkey, and I got testa you saw earlier. I do have my husband as well. And bucket list. And as I get older, I'm thinking I'm not hitting my bucket list. I come to work six days a week, I'm here ten hours a day. I'm fifty nine, I'm not hitting my bucket list. And I finally just booked a non refundable trip to Africa.

They say the Africa, for God's sakes, right, So from November through the first two weeks of November, I was in Africa. Amazing, right, Tory, did everything fall apart? No, My horses were fed, my dog was taken care of, didn't fall apart. Magically, everything came together. And I'm so glad I did that. But my fear is always if I don't. If I don't, this is going to fall apart,

and I have to micromanage. I have to control things, right, But there's things that we can put into place to say, I have to put this aside so I can work on this. Because if you're willing, find a place and I can help you with that to start putting some time aside to work on this area that's clearly causing you distress. The payoff is so great, and the payoff is not just for you, but it's for your kids.