Coco The Barbarian Needs a Friend

Gary, I got your message and came over as soon as I could. Did you get me that audition for Sailor Moon on Ice?

Better?

Bowden?

Baby, I'm about to introduce you to the newest sensation in the entertainment industry. Moveover TV, say bye bye motion pictures. Here comes the podcast.

The podcast.

These things are incredible, bo real boff osako. It's exactly like radio, but better. Coco invented the whole concept.

Conan O'Brien did not invent the podcast, Gerry. I've been pitching Binging Benson with Boden for years.

Not Conan O'Brien, the Barbarian guy.

Coco the Barbarian is not a real person.

If being a character on a podcast doesn't make you real, then I don't know what does?

All right? Well what am I booked for? Well you're not. But maybe when your vampire movie comes out and you've got a little.

Heat, then why did you have me come over here.

So you can listen to it with me? Here?

I'll tune the old podcast dial last is not how podcasts work.

Is big and scary.

Even when you're extraordinary, when life won't.

Go as planned, we all can.

Use a hand, But Coco doesn't talk to me.

Coco doesn't seem to see that he needs a friend.

Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Coco the Barbarian needs a friend. I'm your producer, Matt Curley, and with me, as always, our Warrior leader and host, Coco the Barbarian.

Thank you, Curly. Curly, you shouldn't interrupt me, Mad, I'm sorry, as you said, I am Coco the Barbelian. This is my show. It's a good show, very you know, it's people come on and they want to be my friend, so it's very nice.

And with us as always, of course, Coco's erstwhile sidekick and assistant, Red.

Sona very happy to be here.

Well, Coco.

I was reading in a variety today that the podcast is starting to make a bit of a mark, make a bit of a splash. I don't want to imply that you've ever been away, but the headline does read, is this Coco's big comeback?

But yes, a minute's silly. First of all, I don't like that I'm in a magazine that is just various things. It's just a random sort of variety. They like that it should be called maybe like fear some Warrior magazine in or magazine for shiny musclemen. That is do Maybe they could change.

It play girl, play girl.

I think that's what you're thinking of, DearS.

That's right, but you're not a girl.

No, but it doesn't make any sense.

It's a never mind, you know what print is dead anyway. But we are very excited because you know, if this podcast continues to gain traction, perhaps we'll be seeing you again on the big screen or perhaps a streaming service.

That's all right. Of course. I sometimes climb big screens so that I can make it up to the rafters. You know, when you are a hero, you need to do that sometimes, and so maybe I would be on the big screen. I've never climbed the streaming service before, but I would do it.

Are a very strong swimmer, that's true.

I could. I could swim in the video stream. But yeah, so I haven't gone away everybody. I've been around, and I would be coming to a stream near you to swim.

Do you recognize that when I say streaming service, I don't mean a body of water, but I mean like Netflix.

Well, I haven't heard of that. Is it a river?

No, it's a how do you get your entertainment Coco.

Well, what I do is I get my sword and then put it on my back, and then I go out, and then I go and I raid the villages and I destroyed the things that they don't like in the villages.

You know, we're in North Hollywood right now.

And now it's really hard to find them.

A village. Yeah, there's not a ton of it.

It's really not.

Very few gestures too.

I heard of one across on the other side of the country. It's called Greenwich Village, and I went there, but they couldn't find any thatch roofed houses or you.

Know, you met a lot of other sweaty musclemen though.

Well, yes I did, Yes, didn't We saw on the wind with me.

It was. It was a very very sweaty place.

Not very productive though I brought.

MyoD, very little stabbing.

Hardly any at all. Maybe only like two or three times did I do stab?

Yeah. I think you know we've tried to talk about this before. You know, you are very reluctant to give up your sword. Max Security here really and says we have to lock them up.

It's ridiculous.

It's just that you know, you were in the news recently. It's how you came to my attention. I have to admit I didn't realize you were still out there doing the barbarian thing. And when I.

Probably don't talk about it. Then if it doesn't come up in the variety.

Well exactly, it had not. It had not been in variety until I saw there was an incident with you and your sword at the NoHo. In and out.

Well, sure, I mean it's it says in and out, and so you know. Son suggested that you know.

Are you put the sword in, you put the sort out.

That's correct. Yeah, that's what I thought.

And you put it in and then out again, and then you get your burger.

That's what I figured, especially since it is a place where people go to eat burgers. I figured that the burghers had to be killed somehow with his sword. And so I was looking around.

There were no cows.

There were no cows there.

But right into the regional manager.

Well he would sort of out, his back turned and he was wearing a shirt that had like a black spot here and the black spot there. I really thought that this is just.

A bipedal cow, Hollywood cow.

Yeah.

Well, I mean on the plus side, you missed all his major orderies, and he he has survived. I know there's a pending lawsuit that we're not allowed to discuss.

Yes, and he never got a burger.

That's right. I was really upset about it. I mean, he's all upset you stabbed me, But I'm the one who didn't get the burger. That's true.

I suppose that is not cons not the greatest customer service. I suppose no.

It's a terrible customer service.

Now, Couco you you you you know you you fancy yourself a king.

That's why, of course I am.

I'm I'm curious your in your search for burgers. Have you considered burger king?

I have thought about it, but you know, I've just thought it brings up too many questions, such as, well, you know, is the burger king? Who are the burger king subjects? Is the burger king? The king of burgers? It's not very king, No, not a good king, just being the king of burgars. Burgers cannot do anything for you. They can, you can collect taxes from burgars.

They won't bout.

Yes, that's right, that they don't even genuflect.

I suppose that's true. And so what would the alternative be a king made of burgers.

Well that I thought of that too, But I don't really want to be made of burgers right now. I am made of muscle, and you know, skin and bones and Arthuris and hell and various things. I like being made of those things. I don't want to be made of burgers because if I'm made of burgers, then how I swing my sword?

You would be too greasy?

That's correct.

I mean you're already kind of great. I mean, I don't get don't take it the wrong way, but you you g listen, you listen what I'm trying to say.

It's the grease, of course, I do you not know? This is a very big difference between the.

Bad greasy and the good grease.

Exactly, being of course in the bad Great Viad sometimes yummy, but mostly when compared to the king. No, it's not a groase for king.

I don't. I mean, I'm not that familiar with good greecesus. I mean Greece one good, Greece two not good.

Well, that's true, you know, because the kings over the years, if they were made with grease too, that's the bad. It doesn't go very well, that's true Bog that was made had.

The bad grease King Bog, King.

Bog of Bogland.

I'm really I'm not familiar.

Well, you probably never heard of King Bag because he's but I did. Didn't show up in the random list of various things. And also because King Bog was always coded in bad grease. No one wants to remember King Bog smelled bad and was he swings his sword and it just we go right out of his hands.

Yes, hard to hold onto your kingdom that way.

Yeah, that's exactly the problem.

It's yes, girl of mine, it's it's good.

Never mind, Well, for those of you who are tuning in for the first time, our hope on this show is that Coco will be returning to the big screen or perhaps the streaming service, even if he doesn't.

Know what that is.

So we're bringing different guests onto the show, getting to know them and maybe uh Coco and red Sona will invite them to be a part of their new franchise plans depends.

We're a very tough duel over here.

It's true, so far you've you've not selected anyone at all.

And uh, Matt, are you talking about yourself again? We told you Matt. We kind of have a girl man on the table.

It's girly and I just want the producer credit. I've said that many times. I don't need to go on the adventures. I don't need to be in the adventures, but a producer credit would.

Really do you keep talking about produce? Wet all is meat and bread, Yes, and liquor.

That's true.

We don't need.

Pro we always have. We already have a meat mongo, we already have a liquor mango, and we already have well the in and out.

Maybe we need news, that's true.

I hadn't thought of that. In and out what's going to be?

But we don't need you, don't you know what. I'm not going to bring any protos to the table, but let's see what our guest for today brings to the table. I'm really I don't know if excited is the word, but with us today is the legendary understudy Larry Hastings. Larry, Yes, sir, Hello, thank you. This is Larry Hastings, a base baritone, and I am effervescent to be Coco the Barbarians. Uh oh line, friend, yeah, yes, friend, friend, I am effervescent to be Coco, The Barbarians Friend.

Hello, Well, effervescence seems pretty good. There's any any Is that related to Greece in any way?

I once, very controversially I played Frenchy in a dinner theater production of Grease. I thought it was very good.

That was it the good grease or the bad grease?

Well, he said French, So he must have been a French fry.

That's oh okay, that's a good you know. I don't know. That's a little on the fence in terms of good or bad grease, could go either way.

I've never played a French fry. I did want spend an entire summer playing mister Pibb at a children's amusement park.

And mister pib is mister Evangela. Then mister pib carry an axe or a flell.

He had a straw coming out of his head.

He's a cup of soda. It doesn't sound.

Very very good for stabbing.

Well, stabbing the children was frowned upon. They made that very clean.

Well, I suppose you don't usually stab the children, but sometimes you need to stab the children.

Misters baritone, we will not hinder your creative energy.

Well, I can't tell you how refreshing that is to hear. Yes, because I I've made most of my career as an understudy, meaning I sort of have to copy what other people have done, and I really feel that it's limited my range range.

And I suppose you have to do it underneath something. You do it under a table where you do the studying that is underneath, make.

It harder to fit with the straw coming out of your head.

The straw, Well, that is a rare case. While I was not understanding, but I indeed originated that role as mister. But when I'm understudying, well, sometimes I'm under a table, I must admit. But other times I'm on the couch or walking or standing. Sometimes I'm pretending to be in a car. I once did Oklahoma on a pantomime horse.

That interesting. I like to get on a horse myself. Sometimes, very rarely do.

They let you work with live animals such as a horse on the stage, maybe a dog. If you're lucky, you'll do Gypsy with a sheep.

I understand how you feel that. Won't even let me bring my sword in here.

Well, that's that's a front, sir, That is yes, who is preventing this man from his his props.

I don't know, Matt girly man, who is preventing me? If I'm bringing in here.

It's building security, Coco. You can't bring actual These are not prop weapons, these are actual sharp.

Wat's his sword. We will all be more secure.

Trouble he'll just I always say, look for the good guy with the swords.

That's good. The eyes, I mean sometimes you have to look for them so that you can fight them.

You have to fight the other good guys.

Sometimes, you know, you gotta be fo I've been there.

Let me tell you, how else will you get to the top.

I've played Laertes seventeen times.

Oh, what did you play with Lealtes?

No? I well, I inhabited the role. I became Leartes. Ah.

I once did that with the bear a bear. Yes, I killed it and then I wore it's cold, and I inhabited the bear.

My goodness. Ah, you know I've been pitching for many years a stage production of the Revenant. I think I would be great as the bear.

Ah. Yes, very good. Well, you have to kill a bear first and then you can wear it skin.

I'm not much of a hunter, I must admit.

Will you know that's okay. There's many different raw os that can be played in an adventuring parties that rights on.

The Yes, there's a hunter, but there's also hmm, the car carry our stuff so that we can.

Do stabic have a lot. I'm sorry, I must, I must draw the line there. I am no gopher. I have well passed the point.

Will stab all the gophers if they bother you?

No, I I am no one's carry boy.

Ah. That's what I said before too, when they told me in the in and outs that I should take my stuff and live, I said, I'm not the carry boy. They're not carrying my own stuff except for my sword that carry that.

See. I think your mistake there was you just should have specified that you wanted to dine in. Ah. Yes, Otherwise they they assume you wanted to go. And let me tell you, I don't know if this is how happened to you, but I've been in many and in and out and you forget to say this is for here, and they give it to you in a bag, and you're like, well, I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have a car or a house or a horse,

That does sounds very frustrating. I myself had issues within and out. I feel that they do not like people do things that they want to do. They're like the cows, go.

In and go out.

Honestly, if they're going to be that strict about it should be called in or out.

That's what I should call it.

And swords only out.

Matthew, look like you had something you wanted to say about this.

Well, I mean I think that one. I think bringing swords in to in in and out or really any fast food chain not a great idea. Not a great idea.

I find that they tend to serve much faster.

Well that might be the case, but I think you know, the people in the in and out typically not your enemies. No need to slaughter them. They just want to give you a burger and a shake. And I by shake I mean a frosty beverage, not They don't actually want to physically shake you.

Well, that's good because I wouldn't.

Let I believe me. I know they would have.

A hard time. I'm very greasy.

Yes, now let me ask you because I have to say, Coco. Seeing you in person, you remind me of a young bed middler, and she taught me a great secret. I wonder if the secret is one that you have as well. Peanut oil head to toe before you go on stage. Just it just gives you.

A glisten Peanut oil is in fact, what is that on your list, sona of the good oils?

It's on the list of the okay oils. Some places say you can't have peanuts.

Oh, it's true. You must be careful as so many people are allergic nowadays.

And you know, if we're going to pick peanut oil or swords, obviously we're choosing the sword.

Well that's true. Yes, sometimes you have to choose one of the other. But I'll give you my list of good oils. You can not. The oil might be towards the bottom, but it's there.

But it's still good, just not just not.

Right. And I don't know what kind of sword and Love was carrying. Maybe there was a you know, one that the peanut oil goes well with But you know, sometimes people have sort sword allergies that they have to have a certain kind of.

Accidents.

Seem to recall she was deathly allergic to the rapier. I do seem, yes, then I could. But the other thing about Bet, and let me tell you, I can tell this is absolutely you must have Bet on the show. You must have Bet on the show, because when I was touring with Beth back in the day, I think not not a performance went by that she didn't slit someone, you know, uh, navel to head and just wear the skin.

Girly man. Why have we not had her on the show yet?

Well, she's she's very she's a difficult book, as they say. Really she only you know, Bets sort of done what Bet needs to do, and you know.

She then let her come and join a new quest.

That's true. Slitting someone's from the navel up into the mouth. That checks off like ten things on our list, looking like.

I'll see, but you know her and straisand sort of reclusive, but I'll do my best, I promise.

And allergic Danny swords.

Probably all of them. Probably maybe you're not going to get her to leave the house. You're gonna have to go to her anywhere.

Yes, But you know what you know the.

Interesting about Strisand she has a whole underground city under her house. Yes it's it's a private shopping mall.

The private shopping mall underneath the house.

Oh, yes, it's quite legendary. And also she clones.

All her dogs to eat them.

No, I think just to cuddle them.

I don't think we need the house, but I would like to inquire about the underground layer. You know, any dungeons in there?

I think. I think all you have to do is ask Jane rolling about that, if you know what I mean? Oh need do? I really?

So? Lali? I want to Now you know why there are the sort of projects that you're working on these days? What's exciting in your life?

Well, the truth is I've not worked in some time. There was a incident with one of the Ulsen twins that's sort of gotten me banned from around down But I am. I have got a couple of engagements coming up.

I will be uh.

I will be reprising my role of mister Pibb once again this summer at Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom in Allentown. Pennsylvania. You can find me at the Freshman stand by steel Force.

Ah, steel Force was the name of a previous sword that I had.

Really, Yes, perhaps it's this roller coaster forged from the steel.

Of your steel force. Well, it might be I lost steel Force when I was slaying a wild boar.

What was this kingdom you were talking.

About, the wild Water Kingdom.

That sounds like maybe it's the same wild boar wild war. I bet that's what it wins.

You did say you wanted to conquer streaming coincidence, this might be the place to start.

The wild Water Kingdom.

It's more of a wavepool.

Interesting.

I think there's something here though.

Yes, I'll go to the people and I'll wave with them, you know, I pool and maybe they would tell me of my sword.

Well, if you're looking for a good time, I do get two guest passes per week. They're only good after five o'clock. But please let's let me know. I'd be happy to pass you in.

Well, this is good that we like people who have resources and power.

You can be are are entranceman.

That's true. We do need an entrance man. And I was just saying that when we walked into the in and.

Out somebody to open doors.

Well again, I feel like an actor of my stature has doors opened for him. I don't open doors for others.

You already have an entry person, Well, typically it's the stage manager, you know.

They they're very handy. If you don't have a stage manager on your little party, I think that's something you should look into right away. They're very good at giving you your cues, telling who when to move, telling you when a light's about to fall on your head when that happens more often than I'd like to admit. And of course they're very good at reminding you of your lines. Lines.

All right, Matt, write that down. We need a stage manager for our group.

Well, yeah, it's definitely. It's on the list, Coco, It's it's on the list.

Good, okay, okay. Song on. What questions do you have for Larry?

Well, let's see, Larry, have you ever had to fight a mountain goat with your bare hands once?

Once?

How did it go?

Not great?

Not great?

But let me tell you that was.

The mountain goat. It was you.

It was the wildest production of sound of music I've ever been in. I was playing Captain von Trapp and It was very experimental production. We were doing it on location in Austria, and so there we were on the hill with this lonely I've heard this lonely goat herd, and let me tell you, you would think when the music starts, the goats are going to be like all into it. It really frightened them, and it kicked poor Julie Andrews right in the gut.

And I dove in.

I dove in to protect my my dear Jules as I call her. We go way back, Jules and I and uh that goat herd and I we locked horns and we we ran.

The entire horn.

Well I wouldn't know.

It was just me and the leader.

You could tell he was the leader to get the biggest horn.

That's smart.

And unfortunately I don't remember much. About six months later, I woke up in the hospital. Julie Andrews by the way, nowhere to be seen there. I oh, she was here, but then you know, she had to go make a movie. And I was like, oh, sure, sure, Jules. It's all it's all peaches and cream when it's late at night in a lonely Austrian hotel. But when things get tough and old Larry's in a coma for six months.

Off your pop is Juliangelo's alert Danny Swords. You know, I've never asked, now, did you get the goat skin to?

Did you do Camelot?

Did you make a crown with his horns?

Well, I don't really know.

Did you make a goblet from his skull?

Well?

Again, I none of it. I'm not. I'm sad to say I was not the victor in this story.

This is all remark for you and the Oh dear, sorry to say it, but you know, goats are sort of like.

The It's very basically.

The basic one. The sort of level one of killing and wearing the skins is the goats.

Oh, this is beat Miller all over again. You know, fighting goats not really my thing. Although have you had Matthew McConaughey on, because I think that's his thing.

Well, I would have to get them on, girly man, add him to the list. That's right. Anyone, anyone who fights goats can come on the showers level one. So if you can do it, you can come on.

But my many talents are theatrical nature. Perhaps you would need a sluk. We done or a song sang something in the bass baritone range.

Perhaps, well, we do have an opening for a fool.

Yes we do, we do a fool.

Eh that's why I sometimes you want.

To have one a gesture.

Yes, it's important for your party to have one, because you what you do is when you are say you're going to be attacking a number of goats, you have the fool go stand on the other side and they wave around, and the goats's tracked while you come out. But you saw it. Then you cut the coats in half.

And then in the evening when you're drinking from your new goat goblets, you need a little entertainment.

Oh I love it though, Remember that, remember that Jester that we had Harelton Harton Harlton was great.

What what happened to this Harlton?

Did he?

Did he get a spin off? Did he get his own show?

Harlton did get his spin off? It span his head ride off his shoulders by accident. Yeah, he spawn. I was swinging my sword around sort of showing Halt and how it worked, and Halton stepped a little two claws.

So you would be both the star and director of this little project.

Is that?

What I'm inferring.

He's the king.

That's all right. I'm the king, So I do direct people. I tell him to go and get my pheasant, and you know, different things. But I also what was the other thing you said? Direct and something else?

A star? Oh?

Yes, well right, of.

Course the king is the son of his king.

That's why. Yes, so I shine very brightly.

Well, you certainly certainly listen.

That's what I do. It's a good grease. The first thing in the now.

Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that Michelle Fiffer won't be involved in this. We have a thing. Well, I have played the fool once or twice, so if you would be willing to have me, well, I would be more than happy to come on board.

I think that. Well, the son and I are going to quicker.

We'll think about it.

That's why I do think about it, decide, maybe.

Have some some burgers.

So the son and I are going to have a quick conference to decide. Yeah, I think the out said, Oh, I.

Mean I think he won't even spend that much.

But that's true. I don't know, but but it would be good to have a fool. I really miss how I.

Know, I know.

Mm hmmm.

He said he won't carry anything.

That's true. I do like to make the fool carry things fall down sometimes.

Oh dear, my pants seem to have fallen down.

I tell you why, Larry, You're welcome to the team.

Call oh, this is a wonderful Shall we discuss my fee?

Yeh you mean feet?

We do you have two of them?

Yes?

It's my fools are so far forget what's on my contractual fee? Will this be sag minimum? Perhaps a little bit more? Larry hasn't worked in a while, could really use that health insurance.

Well, if you feel like you're sagging, we can get you a belt.

It's through Matt.

What do you think we can definitely get him a belt? In fact, I insist on it, Larry obviously. If this moved forward, will be in touch. Are you with CIA? Are you with WMA? I represent myself currently, so just give me a ring a ding? You have my number. It's the it's the payphone outside, the in and out. But no one ever said being an actor was easy. And I'm out here trying to make it on my own in Hollywood after many a theatrical exploit, and it's not been the easiest time for old Larry, so I

That's great that we're going to get you a belt and also have some bells on it and saw.

Some shoes for his feet.

That's that you forgot about.

You too have made me the happiest man in the world.

That's of good fool, happy fool, happy life.

That's okay, sorry, just one uh one final question?

Yes, do you validate parking? Well? What did you think?

That was the most juvenile, nonsensical and base thing I have ever heard? You have got to get me on that podcast.

Cocoa the Barbarian Needs a Friend was created, produced and edited by J. Michael DeAngelis, Music and sound effects by Pete Barry. Executive producers Pete Barry, J Michael deangel John Dawkin, and Paige Glenecki. This is a completely real celebrity interview podcast, but if it weren't, then Cocoa the Barbarian and Gary were played by Bob Killian red Sona was played by Ashley Banks. Larry Hastings was played by J. Michael D'Angelis.

Another quality podcast from the port Room.