Coco The Barbarian Needs A Friend: Mario Capretti

The world is big and scary, even when you're extraordinary.

When life won't.

Go as planned, we all can use a hand.

But Coco doesn't talk to me.

Coco doesn't seem to see that he needs a friend. Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Coco the Barbarian needs a friend. I am your producer, Matt Gurley, and with me as always our warrior leader and host, Coco the Barbarian.

Yes, hello, everybody. Very excited to be here again with you and to talk about my sword.

It is a very popular topic with you.

I'm very excited that brought there some special grease today to put on it and also on my body.

You are extra listening. I'm sorry, of course, as regular listeners that guys know the sword is checked in a special locker with security guards.

That was the foil of my plan. I wanted to bring it in here and put the grease, but now because of that security guy at the front, well you know, I can't do it.

Maybe maybe next time we'll do a special episode from the security desk and we can talk with the security guy and your sword could be right there.

That would be good, right.

We'll have to deal with the comings and goings of the building.

But get everyone on my side because they would be able to hear my side of the argument.

Oh of course, of course. Well, before we go any further, I must also acknowledge our co host Red SONA.

Yes, hello, welcome, but.

No welcome to you.

No, welcome to you.

Now welcome to all of us, Welcome to Coca.

We are quite the trup, aren't we. We are just for you know, for those keeping score at home. Of course, the purpose of this podcast is of course, to reignite interest in our resting.

Ip and get me some friends.

Of course, get you some friends, build a team, you know. So when we burst back onto the silver screen or onto a streaming service which is not a body of water, we've already established that we have a lot of celebrity friends to support us. So just looking down that list, of course, number one with a bullet, we've got Larry Hastings.

He's going to be our fool's finally losing his bands.

And in the solid maybe Christopher walking solid maybe a solid maybe both about appearing on this show and being a part of the friend group.

I feel like that's progress.

He solidly frightens me, don't you know.

What he is very intense, so that you know we're gonna keep working on that. And then of course we had a nonverbal but I think, very firm no from Atheno O'Brien. She stormed out of the studio.

I was very um sad about it.

So it's on the Yeah, it was very sad and interrupted my meditation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. Have have you lost sleep over at Coco?

Yes, I've lost a lot of sleep because I wake up in the middle of the night and I go out to the stars and I are laughing, why won't you be our friend? And sometimes I get locked out of my house and solid I'm out of a long time and losing a lot of sleep.

Oh you don't.

You don't.

You don't travel with your keys just the sword.

Now the sword fist and then if I have spice that I put my keys in my loin.

Why don't you just kick the door down?

Well, that's girls, that's what I end up having to do. Sound that's why, that's why our bill for doors has been very high. I'd keep putting in those expense reports.

I've been meaning, Yeah, I really hate doing this on air, but you can't be expensing your personal doors to the podcast. We just don't have we don't have a sponsor, we're not signed with a major podcasting studios. I don't this is all out of my pocket.

Well, I don't know what the expense reports off. Boy, if they are not for my door for report, how will I be able to go on adventures if I am knocked out of my house and I cannot break down my door on expense and new one.

Remember a few weeks ago, I was like, look, I got Christopher walking on the hook. He's out, he's a wobbly. Maybe let me take him out to lunch, let me go to the palm with him, whine him, dye him. And you were like, out of your own pocket, little girly man, this is not for the expensing.

That's what I said. That I don't sound like that, but yes, that's what I said.

I just if I I'm doing something that's going to contribute to our cause, I don't understand why I can't expense that, but I'm expected to expected to pay when you have to kick down your door.

Wow, because I am the king of gos Soon and.

It's your fault that Atheno left. And then it's your fault that he has to wake up in the middle of the night and go outside and scream out the sky.

Thank you.

It's your fault that he's locked out of.

His house, the security guy.

So I know, as we've established, you and Coco have a complicated relationship. But don't like, don't you have a sparecade at his place? Aren't you over there? Sometimes do a lot and.

The lot to shout at the sky? You could do that outside the gull, inside the shout at the sky.

If he's shouting, I'm I I'm not disturbing my sleep.

But couldn't you let him back inside?

Why would I do that?

Value? I would have to submit one of sun of these expensive reports, and yeah, you.

Charge him expenses.

Well, if he's waking me up from my reverie, and then I would have to bring myself out of my very deep meditations, very expensive, which takes quite a lot. I would have to displace all the goats. Have you ever tried to put goats back to sleep in the middle of the night. Note, they're they're everywhere.

I have to raid several in and out burgers to pay for all of.

This, just just for clarity, just for clarity because it you know, as we develop our next project, I you know, I wanted to get things right. You keep goats in the house.

They're my meditation goats.

Right, come on, keep lap mad. You know that she needs the gouts for the mill.

That was on me. That was totally on me. Yeah, tell me about it. You know, have we considered, have we considered maybe moving away from traditional forms of entertainment to relaunch the IP and maybe do a meditation app. They're very in right now, some sort of goat meditation app, a virtual goat.

I don't know how you would fit a goat.

Is involved, and maybe, like I sort of pit.

Maybe if you stabbed them really really really a lot and then they're just they're just nothing left and then they can fit inside a phone.

It's not it would I mean, it wouldn't be a real goat. It would be digital digital, you know what. Never mind, never mind, I can see I can see I'm leading us down a dangerous path. I'm not gonna worry. I'm not gonna worry about I Like, yes, we'd have to buy more goats. Yeah, and I don't have that kind of money right now. Uh, Coco, you mentioned Gladiator just now, and I I feel the need to report we mentioned that it was coming out last episode. I

And well I have to bring it up, mad, I'm gonna have to God and shout to the sky again to night.

Yeah. I think you should. I think you should. But I felt it was important. Don't you when you go into battle, don't you study your opponents. Don't you want to know how they're how they're No.

No, you stab them. You don't get to know them. You don't buddy up to them.

But don't you study how their methods work, what they how they like to attack, what their numbers are.

Matters about their methods. Your method is stabbing, that's all.

If I studied them, I would probably want to stab them. Moor.

Yeah, all right, well again, I guess I can't argue with that. So well, I've wasted my time seeing this Red Sonya may I'm not gonna say it's a complete waste of time, because I really do feel I feel like I learned what we should not be doing. It was not I don't think it was a great way to relaunch an I p there was some interesting performances,

Well? I do, but not when I'm not in it, because yes, Sonia didn't invite me, and I'm upset about it.

Yeah, I screamed at the guy about that.

Why would she invite you?

Wow?

Because I it's complicateing and because well, she should invite you to son It would be Valie and Ball and to have both of us on because yeah, both.

Mighty warriors and can conquer all the gladiad. That scene would have been like five minutes if SnO is there. You're right, yeah, that.

Cyclops, you would have taken it out like that.

She invited the Cyclops and not me.

It's sort now the other thing, and you know we have not we have not discussed this. You know, what what would red Sona be bringing to the table here? I mean a lot, obviously a lot, But in terms of the look red Sonia sort of her whole thing is that she just wears a chain mail bikini as her armor and they they try and like make a joke about She goes, will this protect me? And the guy goes, no, but it'll look good kind of not great for this day and age. I thought, so, Oh,

I think that if I stab everybody, or if Coco stabs everybody, but I can do that, then it won't matter what I'm wearing.

Well, I like that attitude.

No, it's good.

I like that attitude quite a lot.

Song that tends to like to wear a lot of things that are goat related.

Well, goats, unfortunately don't live forever. And it only makes sense after they've spent so much time with me on my journey to within, my journey for inner balance and strength, that they continue to stay with me in the form of pel tides and goat eyeball.

Earrings and all those shoe adds them live sometimes.

Well, yes, so I've goat stopped to re established that.

Part of your very good at balancing my head.

Right, part of your meditation process is to have a goat stand on you. So you have to take that into consideration, and what you're wearing has to be comfortable and well balanced for a goat.

Well, if the goat is talented enough, it doesn't matter.

Oh I hadn't considered that, not that.

I would wear a chained mail bikini, but if I did, my goats would be able to balance on them.

You know, I feel like we're going to have to make sure the goats are part of whatever happens next app or just on We'll just do a whole episode about the goats. Fantastic sounds well, I don't want to delay things any further there. Of course, we do have a special guest with us today. Our next candidate to beat your friend Coco Great, and he's a legendary Uh well, I was gonna say race car driver, but this guy will and has raced anything under the sun, so I

That's true, that's like your number two.

So how are they balancing?

Not as good?

Yeah?

I bet well. Please Welcome to the podcast legendary racer Mario Kapretti. It's a mea Mario go good.

It is so good to see you.

Welcome, Mario. Be very good to have you on the show. And I can tell that you're very happy and happy and you communicate. And I don't see any problem with the way that you speak at all. Not no problem, no problematic at all. The problem with marg no problem with me. I'm a beloved figure. Oh I'm Matthew. I must say hello to you. Hello, Matthew. Oh, you're such a pretty boy.

He's a very girl man.

The truth, I've.

One or two a girl matter in my life. You know what I mean? You know right?

Well, she's a crazy Mario. You know, as you may know, on this show, we're bringing people on and so that we can consider one they want to be my friend, and then also if they want to join our adventures as we go on adventures of conquist that quest.

Does it involve racing?

Well? That the bands. There was some talk here about Ostrich racing.

I heard something about the goat, and I once raised the goat. It was so beautiful.

Oh, we're going to get along just fine.

Oh see see Larry had some trouble with goats. How are you with the gout racing? Oh?

I once raised the goat around the Alps. It was so beautiful. Now, mind you, when I say I raised the goat, I did not sit upon the goat I raised. I challenged the goat myself. I was in a Mercedes bends.

Oh is the mesay these bands? I track an ostrich is right automobile? Oh? Is it posed by ostroges?

No? I arrived with my foot, with your feet arrives the engine. The fuel goes through the engine, the pistons and Mario goes to zoom.

I've seen these before outside, you know, the ones that are always yelling at me on the street. They make that yelling. Yes, the the scoozy, scoozy. Do you not have a car me? No, I didn't. I didn't want to get in one of those things that look like they are too small for me. He is very big.

Also, he is basically uninsurable. But he does have a wagon. Oh wag.

He's very good on horseback.

Oh, now, horse, I can race a horse both a meaning I can sit upon the horse and raise it or I can erase it on foot.

Oh. I like to get on my us sometimes and ride around with my sword and yeah, and.

The only very it's uh, it's hard to be on the horse when Coco has used his special sword grease.

Oh it's a slippery it's very slippery. And I've been in many a race with the grease summertimes. You got to be a little sneaky with the grease because the judges said it's a no no Marrio. But I need a little you know, I need a little lubric and to get the edge. Some good grease, only the best of grease, A fine olive oil for mississily.

Oh wow, that's a very nice grease.

Coco, he has people saying no, that's not allowed to him, and we know what that's like with the garden the sword.

I just it's I it's not it's it's a law. You can't have weapons out like the Who want you to tell this man what to do?

That's right, absolutely, I agree. Just gonna take all of us down to that security guy one of these days.

Not be stimied. Oh, we will not be.

Made to not have swords, made.

To not have swords. We will not be de sorted.

That's right. We will be sorted.

We will be sorted. We will be sorted. We will be a you're a very bold of woman.

That's a right, and well, you know you could be part of this mile. But I want to know how many horses are you bringing to the table.

Oh, it's a good question. I do have a stable of horses, many of them mostly out of stud.

Very good. Yeah, all right, so you bring the studs.

I would bring, as I got three prized studs at my home.

All right, now, how about he has three horsepower?

That's like the way you think.

I like it, the way you think we could hook them up to your wagon. What happens?

Excellent?

Then maybe I could see in the.

Wagon and it won't matter if your special And of course I have my old gray mayor my wife.

Be careful, we already have a fool kid.

Maryon not married.

It's a good name for a horse.

The older gray Mayor or my wife my wife. Oh, I tell you what next towards I raised, I name her.

My wife, my wife.

It might have been done.

Now you're a driver and soul of time, yes, yeah, wow, I'm not familiar with how well cars contribute to an adventuring party. Perhaps you could tell us how a car could be useful on an adventure.

Well, first and foremost, I think it gets to places very fast. Especially if a Marrio's driving.

Eh.

Oh that's good. We could get faster to places.

Faster, faster than three horses.

Oh see see Oh yes, my beauty, Yes, I got much faster than a horse. I mean I have I have a Mercedes, I have a Ferrari, I have I even have a woods wagon that is shockingly fast.

He also has a wagon.

I don't know you, my friend. You may be a dead too big to fit in my boots wagon. Oh darn it, but this little girlie man, I think he'd fit fine. Thanks, so I would. Yeah, I would get to a place where you need to go. I take you, Marry take you. He could do that so fast.

Ah good, excellent. We need to all to the streaming services.

The the stream of in.

I am not a familiar with this stream, but do you put it in my map. I'll get you there.

Ah great, we're gonna go there and swimming. It's all the people can see.

What they mean, like a Netflix or a Disney plus. Oh you want to drive through a Netflix headquarters? Are okay? I think it is a studio city. I drive you there.

If if it's a headquarters, surely their leader will be there. We can go we can stop. We can conquer.

Now the one place I do not want to go, I tell you right now, I do not want to go to the Apple of Plus. They put out that fo one the movie. You know who's not in that f one the movie?

Right? It's on you?

I don't think so. I wouldn't go see the movie because the Marios not in the movie. How will you make race a car movie without the great Mario Capetti?

I feel your pain because recently I was a movie. The cyclops in it are not me or me.

Don't make no sense. Who want to see a cyclops? They could see a great king?

And this diffriend, go take notes on.

This, Matt, Matt, Matt, I think we have a new member.

Well, I mean I don't want to. There's still like we've still got like fifteen minutes to fill. I don't want to jump ahead, but I will say I've got I've got a good feeling. We all, when you with a Marios, when you're with a marioist, speed right through. This will be the fastest podcast you ever heard.

Yeah, wow, this is great.

So let me ask you, because I like for a tat if I join your so called the venturing Party, could we maybe slay a few my enemies, like mister brad Pitt, mister fancy I invented the new camera for the.

Oh well, yes, of course, I have a perfect thing for mister brad Pitt. We put him in the pit fighting and the people will fight him, and we'll call it pit fighting because they're fighting.

Brad pet you have a connection with this cyclops. They could maybe step on him and a squash.

I wouldn't bring that up again.

Mad, Okay, okay, whatever, I understand. You know, uh, yoused to hang around with a monkey and he is a little too big for his bridges now and now I know a talking to him.

What other enemies do you have that we need to go after? Any evil wizards?

Oh, there's a I do not get along with the turtles. It's sort of a personal thing.

That all of the turtles everywhere, most of them, most of them. I don't think we could slay all all of the turtles. I mean, not that I wouldn't be willing to die it.

Can We can't. We definitely could, but it might take a long time.

Oh well, I got plenty of time, So.

Perhaps maybe we do the turtles after Coco is king of the world. And then he can just say, with a wave of his sword, no more turtles.

That's guy.

The ideas on the how the world you just said no more turtles. Man, I could have done that years.

Ago, Granya King. This is the sort of things that you do. You say, bring me my pheasant, and you say get all the turtles, and then you arminions that have to do it for you.

This is this is this is a news to Mario.

Mario.

Usually see when I finish our race in the first place, always the first place, and the ladies they bring you flowers, they give you the champagne, They maybe bring you some oils, maybe a nice pizza, but they never say I'll kill all the turtles for you.

Many Oh, you have to ask them of God, to.

The big leagues.

Can I just can I just just step in here for a moment, let me insert myself here, because I I just I'm afraid with all of this turtle talk that we're gonna maybe offend like the pita people, the animal rights group, the animal rights people, the people who are pro turtle and pro animal life, and they're gonna be like, oh, what is this Coco doing killing all these turtles for a movie. That's like not cool anymore.

But are they turtles? The people? Yes? No? If they are not turtles, then why do they care if we kill all.

I don't know what I said, who cared about a turtle? You put them in a soup? Okay, otherwise who will care?

We shouldn't kill all the turtles, though, because then we can't put.

Them into it.

Should probably we should save them for soup on me.

I mean, okay, you put them in a pen somewhere, and I do not care, but I do know what. The shells coming at my head nothing the worse when you're driving your car and a boom you get hit by a turtle shell.

Oh, I've heard about these, the blue ones or the blue one tytle worst with the spikes.

They they are the worst. But they luckily they banned in most competitive for play now because you know, I made a very big complaint to the bosses.

I say, you.

Cannot be thrown spike the turtle shells the f one now of god now and you know what, you know what though they never listened until I mister brad Pitt's making a movie and suddenly no turtles else. I got a real problem with that guy.

He like a coincidence top of our list.

Right, and then you drive us.

I see to him. See we put him.

In the pit pit.

Oh yes.

Then we drive to.

The streaming, we go to the Netflix, we.

Corder their heads and then we win.

Oh. I mean I like this plan. That was very foolish of them to call it a head, God, as they opened themselves up to this bun that you made.

So that I don't understand why you're also literal minded. It's it's not a place you go to court. Hey are you pretty boy? You shut your mouth. That's how I deal with the brad Pitt.

That's good. I like this very much.

Now, King of Coco, let me ask you a question. You got my you know have a car now? God, when I outside in the lobby, I hear you talk about the in and out the burger? Do you have the problem I have with the in and out the burger?

Do they not let you bring your sword in the in and out burger? Well?

I do not.

I do man marry or do not carry a sword. But marill like to ride a horse through the driving and they always yelling at they.

Just like yelling.

They are this is South typical.

I say this all the gray mare. She just wanted the Kentucky Derby. You're gonna give me some animal style fries.

Well, if it makes you feel better that store manager is now.

That I'm really supposed to talk about it. But what happens when you don't in and out the burger to a long story shot, it's been really very really I'm not happy with them because you know, I try to do simple things that everyone should be able to do at the in and out Bulga, like bringing your.

Sword horse through the drive.

I ride the horse to the drive through milder the cows so you can have your billgos.

Maybe do who doesn't want a fresh beef?

That's why that's so.

I tell you what Marios to have his old brain thinking.

That's good meaning bans.

Why don't I get one of them really big trucks. We ride it straight through the in and out and we destroyed out.

This sounds good. I always say, if you cannot find anything nice to say, smash and sloter, I can't go.

It's what my old na used to tell me. What make me so happy?

Ah, the guide perfect.

We'll take the really big truck and we'll go in and out.

I like this plan.

I like at this planned King of Koko.

I feel like we really have a lot of adventures on the table now, Matt, that you got me.

I am getting it all down. And as I've explained multiple times, this is being recorded.

I just yes, we need a record of our wonderful exploits.

I worry a little bit about any preemptive lawsuits that in an out burger might be pursuing, but I think in general, you know, again, I don't want to anger you, mister Coretti, but you did bring up the F one movie let to make so mad. But it's really in right now. I mean, race cars have never been more popular. Uh you know, F one people are like getting up at six am and going to the local bar to watch the F one races. I mean, I I don't understand it. It's just a car going around in a circle.

How dare he doesn't appreciate any of the finer things in life?

You would have run around in a circle with me. You would run around in a circle.

With me if there was conquest in dolls.

Let me tell you a little secret, Mario Kupratti going to do his craziest race yet. Oh, Mario Compratti gonna go to Las Vegas F one and he gonna run it barefoot.

Wow, that sounds great. You gonna use any grease.

Between you and me as long as nobody looking. Of course, I'm gonna put some out of oil on my feet. You got cause, but beat I beat any car. Wow.

That's impressive, very impressive.

I can run fast, but I don't know if I.

Hate a minute. I have a vision. Now, I have a vision. It's going to launch us to a new level. Quin of cocoa, And would you grant me the great privilege of riding you?

Wow, I'm pretty greasy now can you hold on really well? We could make a harness I suppose, but I don't know. I carry my sword around and we've had these issues in the past where I was using my sword and someone was too close and they got their head got off.

I'll tell you what were coming the first. I don't care who is the head to come off?

Wow? All right?

Yes, Oh, I am a man without a fear, and some would say without a brains. I like it that right.

We got the cyclops into the rights of us, so we can beat.

That psychologic do not like him now, And you know, if it all happened and mister brad Pitt is out there promoting his stupid little leftl one the film, and your sword absolutely goes woosh cross his head. But you didn't see nothing right.

We could all be there and we could be ready to destroy Brad Pitt, all of us. We'll call ourselves the pit crew.

Yes, I'm so moved. I'm so moved that you are identified with my plight so closely.

King, Go go. While it's very hard when people that you now and don't like anymore don't let you into their movies and then and their franchise, and they make it difficult and make you shout at the sky.

I know it's not gonna bring this up. I don't want to make nobody too angry. But I hear a lot of things around the racetrack, you know, and I heard maybe mister a brad Pitt giving the old deaf one to red Sonia.

This is very you know.

I don't want to spread no rumors.

But now I don't like Brad.

This is what I was hoping.

It's very upset. What is Brad Pitt conn to do now God take off his shirt and going and and fighting an arena that.

I hear he may be making the deal to promote some of good grease. What I don't want to be speaking out of turn. But you know, Mario here hears things.

This is unacceptable. I would say on a front that's right. Doesn't know I both and fee too? Doesn't he know that I am the one who is better looking in Greece.

I mean I would have said, there's no question. So I don't want to ride a no Brad Pitt.

Oh no, you don't. No, only a gougo who's going to be king someday after I finish this race and destroy Brad Pitt.

With the pit crew, No sor you are working today, I can see it emanated. You're right selling yourself. Sure that's she a goddess.

Yes, yeah, it's very good. All right, Matt, put him down, Sign them up. It's going to be on the crew, in the paper pit.

Crew, and we wrap up. You know in a few moments, we'll take you outside. There is a paperwork sign. There's also a restroom if you need to use the restaurant.

Mad all mats around.

Oh I hear about you Matt manure sneaky beat. I was just an one time accident. Anyway, I'm really excited I did that. Mario pariees on board. I think that's gonna bring racing fans, sports fans, fans of ethnic stereotypes really on board to this project. Horse fans, oh, horse fans of course, and of course the horses themselves. They are very neglected audience horses and the means of Brad Pitt that is a big one. Miss Angeline and Jolie, she's gonna sign right up with you. But horses, you know,

And what did they watch? They watch the View, They watch it the Chew, they watch it the Murdercy Road reruns over and over and over again. I think we put on Coco thea Barbarian. They're gonna be so ready to go out to stud if you know what I.

Mean, standing their feet.

See see, are going to start a planning this podcast in the stables.

That's a good idea.

Good idea, good ideas, a.

Lot of ideas, Matt, I wondered if I could erase a podcast, this could be my next greater challenge. Could I'm Mariocapretti be the first man to raise a podcast?

I think you can do it.

That's I will have to look into this. I mean, a podcast is not a physical thing that you can race in or against. But you know what, anyone can do it. I think it's you, that's all right, theomatically man. It is a me, Mario Capretti. Well, I what can I say, King of Coco, H pledgure my allegiance to you, your backing call when I'm in that racing, and of course I raise most of the time, so I do my best. You call me a all or you call

Oh well, of course, it's how are we, you know, very very busy, very busy.

Oh yes, you seem like a very busy people screaming at the sky.

We have to go buy some new doors.

I got a cousin. He make you a nice new door, super cheap.

Ah great, because Matt was really upset about the expensive reports for the doors. You better be thankful about this, I.

Thought, you came from a line of plumbers. Hey, okay, so what so what My brother and I need to be a plumber. Who cares. I can't have a cousin to make a door, who can't work a wrecking crew? I mean, come on, I'm at curly man guys.

Come on, yes, very close.

I cannot take this guy anymore. King Coco, you need me, you call me. I cannot look at this guy no.

More understandable, Matt, to see what you kindering our guests.

Now, Mario, yes, Ma, yes, you before you go? Is this yes?

Are you a firm? Yes?

Can we put you right up there alongside Larry Hastings Alaric Hastings, the Great Alaric Hastings. I once I saw him play mister pib oh, Mama Mia, that was the funniest thing I ever did see.

He's our fool.

Oh, I tell you what, go go like I said, you called me, Okay, you called me any time you gotta go do it?

So chow chow, goodbye. We don't have to do cases like that all the time. Right, It's just the thing for him, I think, so okay, good that I get I.

Do Cocoa the Barbarian Needs a Friend was created, produced and edited by J. Michael DeAngelis, Music and sound effects by Pete Barry. Executive producers Pete Barry, J Michael DeAngelis, John Dalgin, and Page Clanecki.

This is a.

Completely real celebrity interview podcast. But if it weren't, then Bob Killian was Coca, the Barbarian Ashley Banks was red Sona and J. Michael DeAngelis was Mario Capretti. I'm Matt gurley Man and definitely no one else. This has been a port Room production, Copyright twenty twenty five Extraordinary Missions Limited.

Another quality podcast from the port Room