Hello. Hi, Fox. Hi, Nova. Hey. We're back. Yeah. It's been a while. Oh, my gosh. Longer than normal. Yes. So what had happened was normally you'd be hearing season three of Mindful Poly around this time of year. Yeah. But some things happened last year that were exciting and pushed the schedule a little bit. Yeah. One of them being moving houses. We're recording from a new space right now. And the other is putting on a conference, Midwest Love Fest. Woo! The first Midwest Love
Fest was last August. Yeah. Okay, so. We are here to share a recent experience we had. We did go to Southwest Love Fest. Whoa. Which was Fox's first time there. It was my first Southwest Love Fest. What'd you think? Oh man, it was great. Yeah? Yeah, I was very excited. I'd heard good things from you the past couple times that you went. And so obviously my expectations were high. But they were met. I had a great time. Met many amazing people. Some of whom you will hear from
here in a minute. So I was set up at a community vendor table in the hallway and I brought our podcasting set up with me. And I asked anyone who would stop and listen to our spiel, hey, what are your thoughts about this question? And I can say that I think just because of the venue and the setting that I was constantly running across such thoughtful, introspective people.
And it was. adorable how I mean and inspiring really but like I just loved how like I mean obviously a lot of people were nervous to get in front of a microphone but they really wanted to share something worth sharing like a majority of them wanted to think about it and come back later yeah we definitely got accused of making a picking hard questions questions that made them think about it As I was editing, because I wasn't always there for all the recordings,
as I was editing it, it felt like I was stitching together a bit of a love letter to this time and this place and the people we shared it with in a way I hadn't fully anticipated going into it. But it was beautiful. And I just always... Love the people who come to events like this and are just like you said, so thoughtful, so caring, so introspective. They're such good people. And to be able to capture the audio of that time and that place and the things that they were
thinking about is really special. And I'm excited to share it. One thing that was unique about this experience that's different from our other crowdsource episodes is that you'll notice some background noise because this was just. like a hallway that we were recording in. And the other thing is some of the people who shared their responses were responding to things they learned about. So you might hear them reference a session that they went to or something they
learned about that way. So let's get to it. Okay. So the question for this special bonus crowdsource episode was, what is one thing you learned recently that changed the way you think about relationships? And here's what they said. Okay, so what I learned recently about relationships is they're very fluid. They go however you choose that you want them. There could be romantic ones. There can be platonic ones. But anyone could be your soulmate if you feel that connection. There's not just
one. Multiple people can love and be a part of your life if you want it. It just depends on how you feel about that person and if you let them into your life and want them into your life. I find that I used to be very rigid in the way I thought and conversations almost felt like more of a explain myself. And when I started listening and experiencing other people's perspectives from a goal of understanding rather than to be understood, and these things are not mutually
exclusive. The more I incorporated the way other people see the world, the more I was able to understand myself. I recently attended a discussion about personality disorders and non -monogamy and the stigmas faced by people who clinically cannot exemplify the qualities that we associate with healthy polyamory. And it was a really enlightening discussion that was validating for a lot of people. I learned that a lot of therapists don't even bother dealing with people who have BPD or similar
disorders. And a lot of the literature focused around how we talk about healthy relationships basically doesn't have a consideration for people whose trauma or personality conditions for whom the literature is not helpful in that regard. And that's taught me to have a lot more empathy and to think more carefully about how I use certain
language and how I promote certain stigmas. One thing I've learned recently that's changed the way I think about relationships, I found some language recently to help me understand reasons
that I struggle in conflict. And the way that I think about it is we kind of... the state that we're in can exist on a spectrum from connecting on one side to protecting ourselves on the other side and I think that the price of admission into connection is vulnerability and like this idea of intimacy and allowing parts of ourselves to be seen that feel very scary and the price of admission for protecting ourselves is often disconnection and Being able to ask myself where
on this spectrum am I right now helps me think about if I'm in the right state of mind to be addressing conflicts in a way that is connecting as opposed to disconnecting. And it explained a lot for me about sometimes getting into conflicts that feel like trigger spirals where one person goes into protective mode and it almost triggers the other person into protective mode and now no forward progress can be made. healing whatever
rupture has happened. And on the flip side, I think knowing that I'm able to like in a place where I'm able to be on the connecting side of the spectrum and stay there, even if the other person is feeling protective, can sometimes invite them to start to slowly move towards connecting. And that has just been an overarching framework that has helped me think about how I can do better in conflict in a way that's healing for my relationships.
One thing that I have recently learned about how I think about relationships is that I can form different bonds and get different things from different people. And I can have significant interactions that feel right with one person and feel a different way about the other person. And those are both important and loving ways to share my time with those people. Love exists to the bounds to which you allow it, and you
are infinite. The one thing I've learned is that I was very apprehensive about poly, but the fact that I can share my life and share my other parts of me with other people as well as my significant other or my nesting partner, I guess that's a new term I've learned, but it's one of those you have to share. I mean, sharing is caring. I mean, that's the weird part about it. That's definitely the weird part about it. But I haven't crossed that line. But if that person ever pops
into my life, then all the better for me. One of the things that I've learned over the last... Well, okay, it's kind of twofold. Something that I've learned over the last year regarding relationships is that partners do not exactly have to look like that Hallmark Disney fairytale ending that... Every piece of media ever sells us. Like you can really cultivate and craft a partnership that works for you without it looking like a traditional partnership. And that's okay. Like
it's a beautiful thing. And the other thing is that when it comes to relationships. found family can be just as important and just as impactful as the family that you grew up with, if not more so. Especially for those of us who didn't grow up with supportive families, the found family that I have been so blessed to cultivate over the last year has really been an incredible glimpse into what a loving, supportive community. and
network of people is supposed to look like. And it's also okay that that doesn't look like a Hallmark Disney movie either. So one thing I've learned recently that changed the way I think about relationships, that question is hard for me because I'm a very thinky kind of person. I tend to intellectualize stuff. And I know a lot and I think a lot. Something that I wrestle with is sort of knowing something, but like intellectually in my brain, but and believing it to be true.
But like my nervous system doesn't know it also. So I know it, but I don't feel it. And I think a lot of. The stuff that especially like this weekend that has come up for me, I'm like, yes, I know this. Yes, I know this. Yes, I know this. Right. Like I know a lot of this and I don't feel it. And so I'm kind of just hoping like overexposing myself and just continuing to talk about things and to experience things and hear other people's perspectives and experiences will
help me so that. Eventually it will like get ingrained enough where I feel it and I know it. I think I learned recently that you can't depend on experience. I have been in relationships for going on a couple, two or three decades now at this point. And I think I'd reached a point where I kind of expected that I'd seen it all. And I definitely did not. give some of my more recent relationships the attention to the uniqueness
that they deserved. There were things that were unique about those relationships that I should have given the space for, and it was a blind spot for me. So that's the thing that I'm acutely aware of, is every relationship that I find myself in, there's some level where I'm starting from absolute square one every single time. And I think that's important for me to know. So I'm definitely a person who struggles a lot with anxiety and FOMO or the fear of missing out.
And so being in a poly relationship, I witness my partner with a lot of other partners or at least other partners that have a more serious
side to them. And the one thing that I learned when my wife... first started to have a serious partner is I felt a lot of anxiety that I put on that partner I let that anxiety change the way I thought about that person making it almost like it was their fault that I'm feeling this and eventually I started to not like that person just in general and make excuses for different reasons to not like him and then my wife got
another partner who was also my friend. And he didn't act the same way as that partner, the previous partner. And he treated me the same way he treats my wife. He treats my kids the same way he treats all of us. He treats all of us very fairly and respectfully and tries to show that attention. And so with that relationship, I still got anxiety. So the one thing that I learned was that my anxiety that I feel is my
own. It's not because of a certain person. It's not because somebody else is doing this to me. It's something that I'm feeling because of something that I'm going through. And so it's something that I need to work on. Some people can help me with it, and I can let them know that I'm feeling that anxiety. But it's not their responsibility. And it's not their fault. That's the main thing that I took away. And so I'm looking at that
first relationship a lot softer now. I'm reevaluating how I feel about that person and trying to treat them with the same respect that I treat the other one. So when I was divorcing my kid's dad and coming out as polyamorous at the same time, I had a lot of friends who really showed up for me in amazing ways. And they would come over and cook dinner or they would read bedtime stories with my kids. And these are not people who are
romantic partners in any way. But having them show up and then also having my kids tell me how much they started to see those people as family and to love those people really changed the way that I think about relationships and
about having a network of love. beyond the idea of sexual or romantic partners, but into this entire web of people that support us and love us and are a part of our lives and that we can think of as our family and that are the network that makes us whole and happy and makes the world a beautiful, happy place. I've been non -monogamous for many years, and this is not a thing I ever
thought I would do, but it's amazing. And just in the last few days, it was broached about how... my metamorph values the relationship with our shared partner and with me and would like to have some kind of kind of commitment ceremony and I've been with my nesting partner my spouse for you know 30 plus years and this is something that would have been pretty jarring to me years ago about someone else having this kind of strong connection with my partner, feelings of jealousy,
or did they want to take over my role? And then I realized that I did not feel that way about my metamor, and that she was so important to my life and a part of our relationship. Like, we don't have an intimate relationship. We're two arms of a V. But I love her as a family member, as a friend, as a sister, sometimes as a daughter. And I'm actually kind of looking forward to participating in this. And not a thing I ever thought I would.
But to reaffirm and... our connectivity um in a non -monogamous and loving way the one thing i've learned recently about poly and it's something that i'm learning again is i've been poly for about four years five years is you never stop learning and it's a really simple thing but I had a massive breakup. It was one of my first big connections. It was really hard, and I didn't think I could do it anymore. Then I literally had all this whole questioning if it's for me.
So coming to the idea that I now have another partner and someone I can say I love you again was both a surprise and something that terrified me. So realizing that, again, you hear the caveat, you never stop learning, but it really is true. And we're back. Welcome back. Hi, Nova. Hi. What did you think of those answers? You know, I think what hits me every time we do a crowdsource episode is that there's the intimacy that comes with someone sharing their answer to a question like
the kinds we come up with. And then there's sort of like an extra layer of intimacy of just. hearing just their voice and focusing on them and what they're sharing. And the combination of both of those feels very, I don't know, magical to me. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, when I was listening to these, I was struck by just how much, and I know we were specifically asking them about something they learned recently. So I don't know
why. Was a surprise in any way, but I was really struck by how seriously these people are taking their learning and growth journey. Yeah. Yeah. Such, you know, thoughtfulness and care and attention is going into coming into a space like this and like exposing themselves to new ideas and new information. It was inspiring. It was for sure. So that was the special bonus crowdsource episode of Mindful Polly. Thank you so much for joining us for Mindful Polly. Yeah, thanks for being
here. It was special to share this. See you next time. All right. Bye. Bye. You remember our music? Of course. We just heard it. I know. I missed it.