Hey there. It's Melissa. Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast. Hey there, Karma crew. I hope you are doing. Well this week I am bringing you. Another adoptee story today. Jim Serrano is on the show. You may have heard of him. He's been making the rounds on
the adoptee podcast for a while. Now, it is his passion and he feels that if he shares his story, it gives others permission to share, theirs as well, and also gives others a sense that they are not alone in the adoption. Ernie. Let me tell you a little bit about Jim. Jim is a domestic adoptee who was born in 1962 in San Jose, California. He was adopted at six months of age.
He's had trauma his whole life from abandonment issues, sexual abuse and even in the search, for his biological family at the age of 37. Jim is passionate about being open and honest with all of the traumas that he has been through in the hopes of helping others. Here's my interview. With Jim Serrano. Hey Jim, welcome to the show. Hello. Thank you. Yeah. Hey, I know you know, you've been on a bunch of podcast your Seasons, you know, podcast guests. So I'm gonna just let you tell
your story. Okay? And I mean you already know all the questions I'm going to ask because you fired him from everybody else so holder. The answers are probably in there. So sure what you think you want to share, and then at the end we'll talk a little bit about healing and maybe dig a little bit deeper, but take it away. Jim Okay, so I'm 61 years of age right now. 61 I was born January 22nd of 1962. I was born in San Jose, California.
I was adopted at six months of age from San Jose and I was raised in Gilroy, California. I have no idea where I was born at. I have no idea the first six months of my life. I don't have no idea where I was, who took care of me. Anything, all I remember is my parents when I asked for my paperwork when I was going to do my search and 37 years of age, they just told me I was in San Jose somewhere, do the Santa Clara County. Welfare Department. Wherever that was.
So who knows where I was. For six months of my life. I know I have my paperwork from wherever I was at this is Santa Clara County, welfare department. And what is said in the, paperwork was kind of, like, they had me under Caucasian. And somebody in there named me, Freddie, I have no clue because it on the paperwork is as from. So I'll never know who named me Freddy. Who burnt me, who pick me up, none of that stuff.
I don't know because my it's didn't know, they never talked about it, they never talked about my adoption. So they adopted me at six months of age and the adopted a my sister. She was a year older than me and her name is Barbara so they adopted both of us at the same time so they adopted Us in all through my childhood. I could honestly say I was a replacement child for my dad because my dad wasn't a very. He didn't know how to show love.
I don't know because maybe it wasn't raised that way. But I never heard, I love you from him. I never got a hug from man, none of that. But one time, I asked my sister, my older sister, which was there, because they had three kids already. Then they adopted me and my sister Barbara, okay? So when I had a conversation with my sister, probably about three years ago, I asked her they Susie.
Why do you think Dad? And Mom never sat me down and tell me, I was adopted because I never knew I just figured. I'll Because the big joke when I was growing up was always they got me at the supermarket. That's when my sister's always used to tell me. Well I thought it was a joke all this time to I kind of figure it out. Shoot maybe I am adopted right. So so I asked my sister. Why do you think, why is it that he never showed me any love and
goes? You think is because see, they had a child named Georgie and he was two year, I think was two years old and he passed away. So my sister told me see. I didn't know. It's like three years ago. My sister told me that my mom was kind of having a nervous breakdown because of the death. Yeah, so I think to heal my mom's heart or to try to comfort her, my Dad decided to adopt.
So I was more of a, I think I replacement child because I asked my sister, you think I was like, more, my dad resented me because I was replacing Georgie. And she didn't say, no, when I was asked and I ask all this, over the phone with her because I wanted because I started doing it more Of these podcasts. And I wanted to get the story straight because I know a lot of my family and friends and whatever would hear the story. So I wanted the facts straight or not.
Someone come back at me since all that wasn't true. Jim that wasn't true. Yeah. So I want to get the facts from her so she didn't disagree with me. So I figured. Ok. So that's why I didn't really get so much love and something and we both me, my dad worked at the same company for 30 years. We both retired from the same company. We used to drive. Ready. Mix trucks in San Jose. Mmm. We did that for 30 years, both of us have a Teamster pension. We had retired.
I retired in 2012 and that's the reason I'm telling you because that's part of the story. So he never congratulated me was proud of me that. You know, I was the number one driver there for like 10 years. And we had 100 drivers and but never got a pat on the back. So he how is he with the other kids? Um, you know what? He had a relationship with my older brother truth. Hello, Joe, but he passed away about three years ago, but their relationship wasn't very well either.
Okay, I think I dug the whole story was that he moving to Houston to get away from issues that they had, I don't know their story, so, I didn't really want to get involved. Yeah, so but he loved my sister. My sister's could do no wrong. Even the adopted says yes. Yes, she was. Like, I always figured. She was the number one. She was number one. So that was, that was the number one child. At least.
That's what it seemed to me. In me, I see when I was a kid, I used to get beat a lot and and it just one thing that I always remember hearing, my mom always hearing her in the background. That's enough whole sad. That's because the name was Joe. So he was, she was a whole said that's enough. He's had enough when I was getting beat. Right? So one my sister. So there was really no love going, growing up Through the Ages, you know, of me, living there and stuff.
And so what am I Sister told me one thing when I was tossing these questions, I go she goes, you change you. You became more of a rebel between the ages of like in the early teens and stuff like that. Well see she didn't know why that was happening because see nobody. I didn't tell anybody about what happened to me as a child to I start doing the podcast. And so what happened from the ages from 10:51, I was being molested by a older male cousin. He was in his 20s and I was nine.
So I was being molested from the ages of nine eleven but see I held that. I held that secret all my life till I was 52 years old when I told my wife and my daughter my wife have been married for 39 years. Almost 39 years and my daughter's they're going to be 36. So one day was 52, we're going to go get some ice cream and there was thing on this on the radio and was talking about child, abuse, child, sexual abuse. So something right there just
triggered me a good cage. And this is the time to say it. So I told Tina and Elizabeth that, you know, I was molested as a kid and they were shocked to go. What do you mean? But I didn't tell him who it was. So they didn't know who it was because the only one who ever is going to know who it was is going to be Tina because I only told Tina about a year and a
half ago, we were was wow. And the reason why I told her was because one of my favorite movies is Antwone Fisher, Antwone Fisher the scene that he he's in the, in the foster care system, but he was being molested. So there's a scene in the movie. Where is foster parent was leaving with the other kids, but he was being left behind with the person that was molesting. Mm-hmm. So I was looking at that movie one day and I just broke.
Yeah, I said Jim is time tell somebody so I told Tina who it was and the person who was was he lived right across the street from Tina. No, because we dated for like two years but she didn't realize that the person that molest me those years lived right across the street, from her rights to go pick her up every day. So I have to help that because it's right across the street it's like I could I could I could tell you right now, what the room looks like in my brain
right now. I can tell you exactly what the room looked like that smells what happened and everything, I'll never go into details, what happened? Because it's something that is a man. You you you feel shame on your life and which I I did, that's why it took me so long to to start talking about it but the more I talk about it, the more men come to me, tell me their experiences and they look at Jim Serrano's, the tough guy that always was into fighting all the time and I'm still fighting now.
I mean kickboxing and more time but it's not it's cut part of my therapy but I think it sometimes I know when I need to be there just to hit the bag and not do nothing else. Not even be in that class. Just to go hit the bag because some days. I'll have something to trigger me, right? Yeah, so the beginning of the search started when I was 36 and a half 37, 37.
And we we lived in a little town called Los Banos. 45 miles from where I live now in Gilroy, so we lived there for 20 years and so I was watching a program on TV with the talk show or something like that. It's talking about people looking for their lost family members. So the person when there was talking about, you could get non-identity information. So I seen that in look, the Tina actually, babe. I think it's time goes.
You think is a time? I think it's time for me to go and look because my daughter was getting older too, and I didn't want her growing up like me, not knowing anything about your medical background who you are. It just I don't want her going up like that and that's our only child. So, Very special to me to us. So I said okay so the hardest part was going to my parents and say hey I'm going to start searching, you know? And I was remember my dad telling me. Are you ready to find out what's
out there for you? Jim and go. Yeah but she he kind of like kind of try to discourage me because he used to say, but Jim you're so on 0 because Dad, I'm not as Toronto, I'm not putting down the Serrano name. It's just that, that's not mean, that's not my blood, I need to find out who I was. Yeah, so they give me the paperwork. That's that paperwork that I have about Freddy says, Freddy on the. Okay, so I had that. That's all I had, that's all
they had. So I got that paperwork in went to the county records in San Jose, at the heading Street in my company, where I worked at is only two blocks from there. I work for Central Concrete driving the concrete, mixer truck delivering concrete, I did that for 31 years all over the Bay Area. So, I went down there, went to the fourth floor and asked the lady there. Hey, I'm here for my non-identity information. So okay, and so I told her, I was adopted.
Another told her, who I was wrote, all the paperwork and she's okay. It's probably gonna take six months for all that to come to you because I'm at six months so I gotta like depressed, right. So the team says, don't, you know babe just let it come. Yeah. So about seed maybe a month and a half. Two months later. I was walking to her mailbox to go get their mail because the mailbox Down the street, a
middle of the street. So I went down there and see this piece of papers is County of Santa Clara. This whole shoot to get a ticket or something. You know, where's the Poise of jury duty or something? You know, they still got me in Santa Clara County. That's first thing that came to my head, right? So open it up and it was not an identity information and it's oh shoot. So it says your biological
mother was five feet 89 pounds. She had two kids at the time of your birth, she was living with your grandparents. She worked out a doctor's office at the time and her in your biological. Father had a brief affair, the biological father's informations had. He was 57 dark hair dark eyes, medium built. Oh, he went to high school till 10th grade. Quit, High School in tenth grade to go work full time and also
they had about him, okay? So I had that immense me time, all that my parents never asked me anything about my search weeks. They didn't want to know anything about Did you want me to go search? They never talked to me about it so I was, you know, I'm on my own, you know, no encouragement. Nobody to help me out. I just mean, Tina, me and my wife. Yeah, don't even help me out. So one day I work, I was on a job site and I was delivering concrete, right?
So, there was a gentleman there. His name is Carlos. Brian, he worked for this company, that deliver concrete to his company for, like 20 years. And we knew each other for 20 year, he knew my dad, and he's a gym, huh? How's it going to go? So that's pretty good. Because squeal you been up to cause he's talked about life all the time. That's how close we were. There's well he let me tell you the truth, Carlos. And yeah, well, I'm looking for my biological family and he looks at me this.
What does? Yeah, ghost mean Jones not your dad he goes no that's out of my dad. That's that's he adopted me. Oh shoot you got any information about your biological parents? Because yeah, I do. So I describe my biological mother. And he's shaking his head, he goes Jim. When were you born? That goes a in 1962 in January, so shoe and goes why? Because his to be honest with you, he looked kind of look like me.
Kind of looks. You look like each other and the description in the piece of paper is 57 medium build dark hair, dark eyes that's Carlos, and but he kind of looked at the description of my biological mother and he right away, he That's all like marine iguana Murray who this girl that I was dating and I heard that she got pregnant, but then she moved away and she want anything to do with me and she gave the baby up for adoption. I go.
Whoa. So I kind of told him the information about her a ghost, that's Marie because she worked at a doctor's office, she was living with her parents and she had two kids already. So, and he heard that she moved away. She gave up a baby for adoption. He told me that. Wow, so you looked at me goes show, so I'm looking at them. Damn it goes, this is the information. I got a lot on my biological father. He just looks at me groans.
Whoa. Because I think we might be father and son because he says doesn't make no sense. Yeah. So back then, I didn't have a cell phone, right? So this is like 23 years ago. So everyone to get off the job site and go to the phone booth right away, go Tina and what else does it say on the biological information about my father as well, everything that you just, you just told me is on there. Did you tell them about the high school and goes?
No. So I went back to the job site and, and Carlos goes, hey, what are you doing back here it goes. Well, I could ask you a question Carlos and he goes. Yeah, what's up? Here it goes. Did you go to high school Carlos? And Goes. Yeah, I did. Because, okay, so you graduated in all that he goes, no because I quit in tenth grade to go work, full-time and goes, oh shit. This exact piece of paper.
Says, the, what I told him that he looked at me was, oh, wow, because I think you are my son, it's crazy, it's so weird. And I've known him for 20 years. So, about a week later after that, another driver that I worked with his name is Johnny. We go in the drivers room were getting ready to warm up, our trucks or whatever and And start the day and he tells me, hey Jim, I heard about you and Carlos I go. I looked at him ago. How do you know it was?
Dude? I used to live with Carlos's daughter, which would be your sister for five years. Carlos told her about art your conversation. Mmm, she wants to meet you. Oh okay, she had a son, you know, so I said alright, so when we used to live in Los Banos they used to One whole week American made a fair, like your fairs in town the whole week, right? So I met her for lunch or in her son with Johnny and then I said, hey, you want to come for the weekend to stay with us kosher.
So they came down spend the weekend with us and got to know her. And then me and Carlos decided to go do our blood test because I went and met his wife. He was living in Hollister. At the time, I met his wife and she we're really planning holidays together and everything. And we're To start searching for my biological mother, right? So, seven weeks later. The, the blood test comes it was - it wasn't.
He wasn't my father, oh, wow, everything in that piece of paper matched but the blood test was negative. He wasn't my father so that was probably one of the worst times of my life was. I had to make that phone call to him and tell him Carlos because we're not father and son. When I was emotional he was emotional. Yes, I still remember my guy that I used to commute From Las Vegas uses, man. The next day I drove you into
work and you were on sambi. Yeah, it's like you were just crossed into the, my cab of my truck and as all Jim, you need to go home and and I know I don't even remember that day. And so, it seems like the Blessed blood test was just a formality, like everything I have. Yeah, exactly. So. So Tina goes, don't give up, baby. Don't give up. We'll keep on trying.
It's all right in the meantime. My mom, that raised me and developed breast cancer that built brought some more guilt on me. How can you do this to your mom while she's suffering with breast cancer? So, that's another thing that yeah, bugging me. So six months later, my wife, Renee, our neighbor from across the street Connie, they were talking and also they start talking about their husbands, right? You know why he's talking about their husbands life.
It's so Connie goes there. About her husband Dominic, which I knew Dominic is. We used to plays baseball together. When I moved there, I was on his softball team. So we were friends, so I didn't know he was adopted then, Tina told Tina told Connie, Jim's adopted, because he is because wow, because yeah, Dominic found his, his parents, but they both of them were deceased by time. He found them. She, she could have him. Go talk to Dominic, it's okay. So I went across the gate.
Topic. I didn't know you were adopted because yeah, you too. Huh. Yeah. So we started talking and he was in a program called adopt these identity Discovery Network. Yeah. And he's chapter was in Merced because he was a Merced County, right? Well, I was born in Santa Clara County, but they had a meetings there too and a Kaiser. Building Santa Clara County. Wow. So, I went to the one on Homestead and I went to a meeting with a gentleman called
my angel. He was probably late, 70s, middle, My niece's name was Neil Kylie. It was me Tina and Polly about five other adoptees went in there. What he does is just helps you search for your family. Hmm. So I go in there and all I had was that pace piece of paper that my parents had. They gave me gave him that we were in the meeting for maybe three hours maybe at the most.
Because all right well go home and then I'll probably have some information for you by the end of the week or something. I don't know what. Yeah, it's crazy. Are you going to get information for me? Just give me a piece of paper from 1962, right? And so whatever. So I think it was probably I can remember was 23 weeks later. Maybe a month later, he calls me. Go say to him. I got three names for you as well. Yeah, I got three names for you of these three ladies that might
be your biological mother. One was in an l.a. one was a, I think Long Beach and what it was in San Jose. So I had all the three addresses, okay? And their names and I kept it in my wallet, right? So one day I was driving my concrete truck after I was already finished with the job site, right? I was coming on the way back and one of the address that was on White Road in San Jose and I had to address in my pocket and I turned, and I go shoot, there's that address of the house that I
have in my pocket. I said, oh, hell with it. So, I pulled over, I went and knocked on the door. What can I say? What can I say? So, I went and knocked on the door and this guy answered them the door and he kind of look like me, right? And I asked him, hey, did you order any concrete because my truck was outside right in front yard because, no, because I'll shoot. Okay, well, I think I'm lost, but I'm trying to find this house, you know? It's just oh no. We don't want to know concrete.
All right, well, thanks a lot. So I get back in my truck, right? So I go home and tell Tina and she's like, are you crazy man? When you have to not know who you are all these years in go through all this trauma of No Love and the sexual abuse. You going to do anything just to find out who you are? Yeah. Have someone to love you. Right. I just wanted someone to say I love you, Jim, those three words. And people always ask me what was the first time you heard? I love you.
Jim or I felt like that. Like somebody actually loved me and I always bring up this story. Was mean to, you know, we're going on and we were dating and I fell in love with her. I took her to a Chinese restaurant and I hadn't told her I was adopted yet and we're already going out for maybe a year. Find out that restaurant after we in dinner. I told her. Hey babe, I have something to tell you. She goes, yeah, what because I'm
adopted? It still gets to me when I say this happened, 40 years ago, right? And she just said, well, okay what? She didn't care, but as an adoptee, you feel like an outcast, you feel like people are going to think of you. What's wrong with you? Why didn't he no one wanted to keep you? You know, you act job. Yeah, I thought for sure she was going to leave me because of the Benjamin issue that adoptees go with all their lives, you know
I'm thinking. Okay. Finally I know what loves about now. She's going to leave me. I know she's Gonna Leave me. But I had to tell her. Well, she didn't beat me is, so, that's the first time I felt love. So, where was I? My story. Okay. So you went to the house and knocked on the door and knocked on the door. And then a week, later new Kylie calls me up. And he goes, Jim, I found your mother. You did it goes. I was in Gilroy at my cousin's
house. I was just there hanging out with them, and he called me, it was about 8:00 at night and he goes, it's the house in San Jose. Oh shit. I go Neal. I stopped there about two, three weeks ago but I go here I go see. That's what to do that. I go, but I did it anyway. Hey goes okay, jump. Well, here's here's the here's the number. Well, I really have the number right. And the Her name was no, Berta Montoya domingus matura. Was her maiden name of Dominguez?
Was the husband. They were she married to then, right? Let me guess that night. I still remember. It was probably about nine, thirteen, 914 I still remember it and I called her up and I asked her and she answered the phone. I asked for my brother Bobby, the one that answered the door because I knew their names too. I don't know how you got the names, and we got the names. So I asked his Bobby there and she goes no it was how about Paul, Paul was my younger
brother. He's like five years or younger than me. He was the husband that she has now or was married to now their son. Okay, so just know it goes, who's this? Well, this is Jim, Cerrado. She goes, I don't recognize your name. I know all my son's friends because they all were wrestlers and they're all were being getting ready, wrong, okay? Not together. Time and goes know, somebody that needs to ask you a question. Because okay, goes does January 22nd 1962. Mean anything to you.
It was dead silence on the phone. Dead silence. Okay, I'm not trying to disrupt your life, I'm going to ask you that question. One more time does January 22nd 1962, meaning to you. She goes who is this, and why are you doing this to me? And I told her I'm not going to disrupt your life, I'm not doing anything to you, but I have a daughter that we don't know. Her medical background, can you? At least give me that and she just says, no, I can't talk right now.
So, okay, she goes. Can I call you tomorrow? I think Laura, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, you're not going to call me. I'm all right, they just want to get get off the phone so it's okay. So I hung up on the phone. Of course, I hung with photos. I was A wreck. You might want. My in-laws had a pick me up and take me home to Los Banos because I couldn't drive. I was a mess. So mean, Tina. We're talking that night in bed and also under the phone rang was heard in.
Alberta she goes Jim, can you meet me in Valley Medical in San Jose tomorrow at 10:00 in the morning goes? Okay, kind of strange place to meet. But okay, so I met her there and kind of she kind of describe what she looked like and the car should be driving. And so I met her in the parking lot at Only medical because she had appointments with your kids, she said her kids. Hmm, okay, so met her in the parking lot. She came she ran to me. Hug me and cried in my arms.
Me I had a very still a black heart. I had no love for her. Hmm, I just want her to pay for what she did to me because of me not having any love and mean been molested. I was just trying to blame somebody. Yeah, I wanted her to feel my pain. Pain. But just like a stranger hugging me. Yeah. So she goes, can you go with me to my kids appointments and stuff like that? Because sure. So we talked for a little bit just not really deep conversation, just whatever,
right? Then she tells me goes, Jim, I have to tell you something, we went out to the parking lot again because yeah, because nobody knows about you because I have to go home and tell your siblings that you exist. I have to go home and tell my husband that you exist. Nobody knows about you. I kept your secret for 37 years. Wow. So that made me feel even shoot here, right? So so she says I'm going to go home and go tell It's all right, I said, well, good luck.
Hey, I just she gave me a hug and said, goodbye in my mind almost thinking. Okay, that's diameter. It's probably the last time. I'll meet see her again, so, because I'm thinking, you know. Yeah, so she calls me up. Probably about the next day. Yeah, the next day you still has me. Hey, my husband Paul Dominguez says all this stuff that happened to you wasn't your fault. So why would we take who you are away from you? So come over to the house and
meet your brothers. And I want to meet you, too. Because my sister, I had a sister but she was She's leaving to Montana at this at the time. Her name was Juan de. So, I went to the house and met my brother Paul and Bobby in spent the time with them for about a few hours and going home, right? And still does a bunch of kids around the house, right? So so I got home that night and we're talking mean Tina were talking, then she called me up again to see, you know, how I was doing.
You know, and so I'm doing okay. It's going to take a while for me to focus and try to sync all this in, you know, of course, I didn't tell my parents yet because dinner, So then I asked her a question. All those kids that are on the house and all that? It was all your. Those are all your grandkids because none of those are my foster kids. So her and her husband had
fight, she just retired. Maybe she passed away 11 months ago, but her and her husband were foster parents for 25 years in San Jose and had 500 kids come through their home. Oh my gosh so that you made me feel? Yeah, I guess so. You took a over 500 kids. Then you can take care of me. Yeah. Well plus you had siblings older than you and younger than you? Yes, the only one she gave up, yes. And then foster kids up for that. So, after that happened, then I asked her.
Who's my father is Carlos, Brian? My father, I maybe the blood test was wrong. Yeah, no. No, that's not your father. Your father is Thrall, coca his raw, cocoa, we're busy at, I don't know. I haven't seen him in 38 years, you know, 39 years and they'll come when I stand wherever it was because but I know your uncle's uncle is he has a furniture store downtown San Jose. It's been there for 50 years but there's Santa Clara Third Street so it's called tank coca's downtown Furniture.
Hmm. So I knew where that was because it's been there forever, right? And So one day I was at a job site right across the street from the store. So I said, okay, this is what week later is. Just go in gym. Yeah, walked in there and goes, hey, can I see Hank? Okay, and the guy looked at me and goes who are you and goes, well, I'm just looking for Hank coca was warm Hankook a junior using the meta system manager of the store and goes, okay, so what do you need them for?
That's my father, he goes, well, actually, I'm looking for were all Coca-Cola. Rockers my uncle? So it goes. Well, I'm gonna come on. Just tell you, I might be his son, he does. He looks at me as what. Yeah, here's here's my number NE, Berta Montoya, Dominguez is on the piece of paper. Can you give this to Raw up for me, please? And goes, wow, kind of like a movie, it because I will do.
So he get so he gave it to my teacher all coca and maybe about three weeks after that, no, Berta she threw me. A party at her house to introduce me to the family. Hmm, so I went over there and it was nice. You know, got to meet the family and all that. But you know how that is. I mean you sit there and you see everybody's eyes are just looking at you, you know? Yeah feel like oh man, this is uncomfortable. But you're supposed to be happy but it's you're uncomfortable.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, so I get I saw on the way home. You mean Tina we're talking and as well I guess we're all if he's my father. Knock, my father doesn't want anything to do with me because he hasn't called in three weeks. Hmm. So we get home and teen opens up the garage doors because Jim beginning here now okay. Why listen to The Voice machine? Where the voicemail? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The voice machine. So I pushed push the button says hi. Hi, this is raw coca.
Might be your father. You want to meet me at our original Jose and San Jose. I said oh sure so I met him there. The next day here comes walking looks just like me but he's like thinner, you know, body type to I found out that he had a twin. He was a twin and his twin looks exactly like me same body type and everything, but he was. Yeah, see. So we talked about it and you remembered, no. Berta he remembered her and then We did the blood test and it came up positive.
He was my dad, how? So, so that happened. Of course, I still didn't tell anything about to my adopted parents because they didn't want to know anything about it until maybe about, I don't know, six months after, maybe I finally told them and of course, my mom was still going through breast cancer and stuff like that. So my 38th birthday my Bollinger mother decided she wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. Oh good.
Oh wonderful. And I found out about when my buddies, blew it and told me three weeks before. So, I wanted to find out about it, I'm just like, oh my God as Tina, guess who told you as well. If somebody told me, it's my family coming, she goes, yeah. They said they're all going to come.
You might even my parents because yeah, I guess I'll shit so. Well, is that all tell me about it. And this year, there's another thing that I forgot to mention that, see through the molestation in the Human issues and stuff like that. I started drinking. When I was 10 years old, 10 years old, I started drinking. And when I got walked into that party and I seen, I walked in the first table I seen, was my mom, my dad my biological mother and her husband sitting at the
same table. Oh my God, I looked at that and go, oh my God. And I seen the pain in my my mom's face. And I seen the anger, my dad's a Huna, hell will be stupid enough to put them at the same table. Yeah. So I got there that day and all my buddies were there. There's a lot of people is about 200 people showed up. So I got drunker than drum took, every shot from every guy that wanted to give me one, right? But one thing I always remember that night is, is my 38th
birthday. So my dad at the end, he went home, he was going home. He's walking out of the party with my mom. And he looked at me, was Jim, he pointed at me, because tomorrow, we're going to talk about this and I knew he was pissed. Yeah, so the next day, we went home, the last files, and we're home. And I was watching TV, and all sudden, I felt my heart was coming out of my chest, and I collapsed in a young 40 - babe call it call homeless, and think I'm having a heart attack.
Hmm. So I'm less came and got me right away. They thought he was a full-blown, heart attack, took me to the hospital. I ended up in ICU for two days. And during the second day of me, being a nice you here because my biological mother walks into the room. Just looking at me, it didn't five minutes later. He comes my parents, that raised me right behind her in the same room. Just looking at me. They weren't saying a word to each other. Yeah, I'm thinking man.
If I had a gun right now, I would just blow Myself Away. And let them suffer what they're doing. Yeah, they don't understand. They don't, because C and that's suicide thing in my brain. I had that planned out. Even when I was a teenager because I already had planned out. How is going to kill the person that molest me and how I was going to blow myself away? I already had it planned out. Mmm, the ages of 16 and 17.
I had that planned out. So it was easy for me to think that it all flashed back to me. How easy, and how angry over person that I would have had that in my head to actually kill somebody, but bro, myself away at the same time, just to get away from all that pain of being molested in improving, my manhood because it would be in the mail mail. You know, and it's not, it's something you want to remember. But I always tell people what's the hardest cry I've ever had
Pollyanna. my mom's grave site, and the day that I admitted to Tina who were was because I always remember my mom protecting me at when I was taking off my corsage and put it on the, on the casket. I broke. Mmm, but also broke because the one person that molested me was at the gravesite at the same time, But people don't know that. Yes. Well, I had to leave that all my life.
So so I ended up in ICU. Came out in the doctor says, okay, we're going to release you, you don't understand it but we heard about your story and your struggles and stuff like that. So I think you really need to go see a therapist. Mmm. So I went to go see a therapist and of course good old therapist. He didn't know nothing about adoptees. Nothing. Prescribed me Paxil any depressants? So I was on antidepressants for three months, couldn't do life.
Nothing. Finally went back to went, back to work after three months and metal gentleman there. I using the Mig has and he invited me to church. I went to church with him and got a little bit of better going to church in releasing all that anxiety. I had. And one day I was at church and took some anxiety pills got home and threw them all down. The dream went to my therapist the next day and he asked me how you doing? Jim goes.
Well, I threw all my medication down the drain and I don't need you. No more. Because what? You can't even try to explain them. You can't do that. Jim, I don't need you. I never went back to him and that Friday night the program 2020, they had a special on Paxil for a whole hour how people were getting out that anger, depression and committing suicide. Oh my gosh, yes he's so of course it after that, you know, my parents were never interested in the relationship and ever.
Ask me about it. I could honestly tell you that for 20 years, my relationship with my biological mother was always up and down. Down struggle. It was a roller coaster most of the time was because she's trying to tell me how I should fall because she took care of
500 kids. Yeah, but she, you're not an adoptee and Tina used to not defend her, but she would just say Jim. She doesn't understand, you're never going to understand her and she's never going to understand you and that's the way it's going to be. And that's I think that's why we always butted heads, right? But it had for 20 years, she died 11 months ago and it's sad that I didn't have no emotions. You never did. Some, they were, did I never had no emotions?
I never told her I There, as an adoptee, you put that facade on all your life and you're that actor right. Now this last few years, I told myself Jim. That's it, I'm not an act no more, that's why. When I tell my story, I tell and I'm very transparent with it and I've lost family members. Sure, I tell him my story family members. Tell me that I'm not a man because I was complaining about being adopted. Oh, you were raised in a good home. You have no clue. Yeah, no clue what I went
through. You have you heard my story? No. Hmm. See. So and then the funny part of me and Tina were talking about the other day. The funny part is my dad developed the win, the race. Me it developed dementia. He had for 10 years before he passed away. Guess who took care of him? For the first six years? Me and my wife. Wow. Yeah. How was that? Oh, you know, me times. I because the dementia, I don't know, which is worse. I see my mom died from breast cancer and I see my dad died
from dementia. I don't know. Which is worse, but dementia is just like hand just that's a terrible time to go through and I had take care of them when he never even cared about me, right? And then Tina says, babe because that's how much of a good man you are. I don't want to hear that and that's one thing with adoptees. We hate compliments. Oh man, I hate it. I don't know how to accept them, ya know what I mean? Yeah.
And So like I said, she passed away 11 months ago, my bowels of father passed away eight years ago, my mom. That raised me about 22 years ago and my dad that with dementia, 10 years ago. So they're all gone now. So that's a weird feeling now to that, I don't have no nobody. And funny part was my last birthday will 6161 in January and that I didn't have no one to text me. No. One texted you. Many of your relatives. No text me. Happy birthday. Wow!
Not even my siblings. Not one of my siblings. Text me. Happy birthday. Wow. So how's that make you feel? How does that make supposed to make me feel? I mean, that the service my siblings said, oh yeah, we got to stick together. Why do I always have to reach out? Yeah. It does feel that way. I haven't heard from them. Maybe one or two texts 11 months. Wow. But you know what? You get so used to it. It's just that you know what Jim don't care about the people that don't show you love.
Love the people that love you. Yeah, that's right. That's why I've been changing my whole way of thinking in my life because life is too short. Actually I'm 61 years old and I don't want to be this angry adoptee, this guy. That's always angry about everything about his whole life. Yeah, I gotta get up, get over that. And people will say, well shit, you went through so much shit. Yeah, yeah, big deal. But I'm not gonna let the trauma defeat me the way I meet they feeding.
The trauma is by being transparent, helping others. Now, let him know that you're not alone. Yeah, I understand. I understand sexual abuse, understand. No love. I understand, abandonment, understand all that. Now, you could just come to me, and I could be honest with you. So that's where I'm at now. That's my life right now. Yeah. Well, thanks for being so open with your story and I just want to say to your abuser or whoever
you are. You're screwed, you're screwed, dude, because your Karma's shit right now like yours though. Screwed for doing that. That just I yeah, the funny part about that is that was I watched Joe Rogan a lot and this podcast and he had a guest on there and this guy was a playwright and you wrote a play about him being sexually abused as a child and they interviewed him. He said he went To the abuser about four years ago, to confront them about his abuse.
And he had a gun in his backpack when he was talking to him. Wow. And when I seen that, My home, I went back that time and I call Tina right away. I told her I've had a bad day today, man. I showed her the interview, it's only like a three-minute clip, but so much in that clip, that just triggered me man and bring back the anger. I don't want to be that. See everybody sees the gyms around the smile on my face but there's pain behind the smile. Yeah.
That I try not to be a burden to others. You know what I mean, right? So, So I mean you don't see a lot of men sharing, anything really, but alone stories publicly. Anyway. So my question for you is why do you think that is? And what would you like to say to the men adoptees out there
about why you share your story? for me, the reason I share it is like I said, people who say, don't you bring back the past in the hurt every time you tell your story Jim and yours doesn't How do you feel after you tell your story? I tell her. Well, sir, it feels like I went 20 rounds in a ring. So when I get off this podcast with you, I'm going to be beat. I'm going to be beat because of what I went through and what I'm telling you and emotionally.
Yeah gets to me but men have come to me. To tell me about their experiences and other adopted I didn't know one. Adopt the say five years ago, I think maybe a new one or two. I know thousands of them now from all over the world, you know, and it's for a reason. I went through all this stuff for a reason. And the good thing about it is I'm unable to talk to others and they're not scared to tell me what they went through.
Yeah. See if they don't see me being trans. Parent that goes, how are they going to say? Okay, Jim is honest, I could talk to Jim about everything that happened to him, or happened to them themselves as a child or with her going through. Now, you never know. I don't know. Yeah, you know. So this is the reason why I tell it. The people always say, well, you're a strong guy goes. I'm not strong because I feel like a, like, a train ran me over.
After I finished telling my story, that's not strong. I'm just, I just do it because it needs to be It needs to be told. Yeah, you know, so that's why I do it but you're giving permission for others to. Yeah. Do the same. You know. Exactly. And the other thing that adoptees have trouble with this trusting people. I know I did and it seems like your wife Tina seems to be not only a rock but also your soft place to land when things get hard.
So what qualities did you see in her that made you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with her and your relationship and like did that happen right away or what That a process for you to trust her, probably because she was my first girlfriend. She was my first girlfriend because I was always afraid to have girlfriends because of the abandonment issues and stuff like that. I was afraid of all sound alike and somebody and then they're going to just get rid of me.
Yeah that's why I didn't really like to get close to anybody. Till I fell in love with tell the truth. I fell in love with her. When I was 20 years old, we went to the same High School graduated in the same class and we didn't meet each other two years after on a blind date. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we're subbing celebrating our 40th anniversary next year. So what was it about her? That Your hair looks interesting well, but probably because she didn't leave me when I told I
was adopted. That's the number that's when I really, really fell in love with her. Of course, she always says, well, you know, she didn't say I love you back till maybe a year and a half after. And that's when we decided to get married and it's just like you said it first, I'll call ya. She'll children. She always tell me that to see remind you. Yeah, shows his, I'm sorry, I never said it back to you.
It's all right. Yeah, at least he didn't leave me at the Chinese restaurant that side like that was gonna happen. Yeah, exactly. But let's go back to your positive outlook and attitude. Sure. It seems like, you know, obviously about everything that's happened to you. We've kind of turned it around and I always say, everyone has kind of Their Own. Combination to their healing journey. And if there was one combination that works for everyone, we'd all be doing it right.
If we all knew what to do, we just do it. How did you get to the point of not being a victim in your circumstances? And then and what were some of the things that you personally discovered that worked for you? Not being a victim Polly talking about it because like I said, I held it in for 40 years, 40, 42 years, I held it. I held that secret of being molested.
I had that secret to, I start getting answers, you know, just by me, tell really telling start telling my story on all these podcasts and then I'm going deeper and deeper into my star because it seems like every year something would change the law. Loss of Bollinger parents did loss of the adoptive parents. The loss of family members telling me, you know, I wasn't just a big baby. I'm not a man.
Like they thought I was because I tell my story, but did any any of them called me since I've been telling all my stories? There's last 34 years that one person is called me say we're sorry. That happened to you. Jim, who was it? Nothing. So how do you think that makes me feel? Yeah, you know there's Does that line in the movie and Antwone Fisher? I'm still standing. I'm still strong. It's when he goes back to his foster, mom, and the person. Abused them is no matter this,
my time. Yeah, he said that, I'm still standing. I'm still struck. I got that tattooed on my legs. I got that tattooed on my legs. I don't know five years ago and then another one, let your mess, be your message. I got that tattooed on my other leg. That's a good one. Because your convert their conversation starters. So when I was asked me, what's that mean? Jim, let me tell you my story. Yeah.
See was there. Something that triggered you turning your mess into your message and getting you to start talking about it? Was there something that happened or just something quick? Because I do want to be defeated by the trauma. I've always been a someone I was always fighting.
Always fighting for not being a mistake, you know, we went we went and watched that movie Creed 3, this past Saturday, but cretu, there's a scene in that movie, that that always got to me. It's when he was in the corner and he was about to rock, you wasn't about to tell him to throw in the towel because was getting beat up. And he goes, don't, don't stop the fight and goes why. I want to prove it. Because prove, what? Prove them. I'm not a mistake.
So I've been proven that all. I've been trying to prove that all my life. Yeah, Jim strong was not a mistake. Yeah. Even though I been felt like a big tree, like that all my life, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. So yeah. So I've heard you say something to the effect that your oh, is that smiley happy guy. And that's the guy that you show
to the world. So what happens when you log on Facebook and Instagram and the microphones turned off and you're not on a podcast and is that joyful and optimistic guy really who you are or are you still in the process of Finding your authentic self. Well, you'll see me. You'll see me a lot on my Facebook posts and Instagrams. You see me at the beach? A lot out in the nature. A lot that brings me a lot of peace. Meat is being quiet and sometimes I remember that
program. This is us that program. Yeah, we're that weren't seeing when it goes into the lake and he walks into the lake and his he's dreaming. His biological mother is in the lake with him. And his biological mother tells him. Give it up to scream. Yeah. And he goes in the Lincoln's, the screams. This is the best. What I do. That's what I do sometimes. Yeah. Just, I have to be more myself and I'll talk to, to God. It's on Lord, I know this is your plan.
I don't understand it, but I'm starting to understand it. Yeah. Delete the older, you get your understanding understanding of my life now. Yeah. And I'm not going to be defeated. Yeah, once you start walking down the road of being yourself, there's no turning back. Yes. Good thing. And a bad thing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Lastly, what you wouldn't, you tell adoptees one piece of advice, if you could give him one piece of advice, what would that be search for the truth?
Always, tell the truth. And hopefully your loved ones. Beg them for the truth, because I was light at all my life, and even in the last 20 years, of knowing my bonjour mother, I was still fed some lies that I found out. Yeah. and, You know what? It just just get as much truth as you can. Yeah, truth. Because truth, if we realize kill a person, it killed me a lot of my life. A lot of my childhood I was robbed from being happy. I was robbed from having being
alone, not having anybody. I never had nobody to go to. Yeah. You think I wanted to go to my parents and tell him I was being molested, right? I couldn't know. I was a little kid. Yeah. The being tortured by a 20 year old. Yeah. So well again. Thank you for being so vulnerable with me today. I know that you're really passionate about telling your story and how important it is to
you. And everyone's story is important, and I heard adoptee, say all the time that there's, you know, my story is not that great, you know, I don't even I don't have anything to say. And I heard this saying, Being one time that just stuck with me and it said why to tell your story and it said because your words are in the shape of somebody else's wound and they need to hear them.
And everybody that I talked to on this podcast has something different to say that someone is going to relate to. And so that's why I'm doing this but you know, we're educating the world one story at a time, so So thank you for doing hers today on the show. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate you man. Don't you want to just reach through your listening device right now and give Jim the hugest hug ever.
He's been through so much and is still so brave and courageous to come forward and tell his story and be vulnerable. It's so hard as a male to do that. And here's Jim, this big tough guy who is showing the mail Optic community that it's okay to share your story, no matter what it is. And as Jim said, there's so many men coming forward and coming to him and saying me, too, that happened to me too and they may have never told another soul
that that had happened to them. But because Jim was able to tell his story, they felt safe telling their story to Jim. Thanks again, Jim for being on the show and thanks. Thanks for being an example to the mail adoptee community. That is time to tell your story and if it is time to tell your story, you can email me at mind your own Karma at gmail.com. Let's get you on the podcast. If you know of anyone that needs to hear this podcast, please feel free to share that.
Is it for today. As always, take what you need and leave what you don't and always remember to mind your own Karma. And I'll see you next time. And I'll see you next time.