Hey there. It's Melissa. Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast. Hey there Karma crew. I hope you are enjoying the holidays, it's almost Christmas and it is almost to the end of 2020 to already. It's gone by so fast, it's been crazy. But I want to thank you all for hanging in there with me on December 21st. It will be one year that I have been publishing a podcast for you. And as you know, if you've been following me about halfway through the year, I decided to
Pivot and Do adoption now. So I am enjoying it so much and I just want to thank you because my audience has been growing and Spotify is kind of linked to Anchor who who publishes my podcast for me and they sent me a little video of all my accomplishments over this last year. I could not believe I had no clue. I had no clue. That I was being listened to in 17 countries around. The world. I had no clue that I have produced.
Over 1,700 minutes of content. I had no idea that I produced 98 percent more content than any other podcast in my category. I had no idea that my podcast was in the top. 20% of most shared podcasts globally. I'm in the top 25. Percent of most followed podcasts. And all of this is unbelievable to me. I am putting out a podcast every week. I had no idea that any of this was happening and so, I'm
ecstatic. Thank you Spotify, for giving me that video, and that's just Spotify that doesn't account for any of the other platforms that I'm on. So who knows where this podcast is going. It is so Exciting. I'm just so proud of myself. I will have done just over 60 episodes this year, including my karma files and a couple of bonus episodes. So I'm just Trucking along guys. And I just want to thank you guys for coming along with me all the support you've given me.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you all the people I've met and collaborations and things, I'm just my mind is blown. My mind is really blown. I'm going to post this little video. You on my social media. So if you want to look at it, it's kind of cool while the graphics and stuff and I was just like watching it going. Oh my God, oh my God, this is so
great. So anyways I'll put it on social media if you want to watch it. But today what I have for you is, you know, I'm kind of thinking the New Year's coming and I'm wondering if there's any adoptees out there that are making a promise to go find their birth families.
And if you've been listening to this podcast for any amount of time, I am you have heard a couple of reunions stories and you've heard me talk about mine and how the twists and turns and how sometimes it doesn't go. Well most times it doesn't go
well. So I kind of wanted to give you some ideas and things to think about if you are going to go on the Journey of finding your biological family, whether it be parents, whether it be siblings that you find, And there's some things that I didn't think about when I was doing it and I wish someone would have said some of these things to me, so I'm going to bring them to you today. So there's usually something that kind of triggers a person to want to look.
Now there are those people that have thought about it their entire lives that as soon as they turned 18 that they were going to search, but usually there's something that triggers you to want to search for me. Was going to be starting a family. And I had found out that possibly my birth mother had some, you know, genetic familial neurological things that could be hereditary. And so I wanted to know, I wanted to know what happened. Did they figure it out? What did they finally diagnosed
her with? Is it something that I could pass down or something that I could get eventually? I just wanted to know all those things along with one. Waiting to see somebody that looked like me, and I wanted to hear my birth story and, you know, I had a thousand questions as most adoptees do. So the first thing to do would be ask yourself, why do I want to search?
Because for me, like I said, if nothing else, if my birth, family did not want to meet me, the least that I wanted was some medical information for myself and future Generations that Be coming for me. So if anything that would be what I would ask for in my initial contact, you know, I would say you have every right to not meet me. If that is what you want to do, but please, if you could just give me some medical information if that at the very least.
So, get your why written down so that when you go searching and you and someone that you can kind of put that forward and see if you can get your, why answered the other thing to start doing is read books. There's so many biographies out there about adoptees their Journeys. What happened? In their reunions? How they handled it, how they healed. Listen to podcasts. There's so many adoption podcasts out there that tell stories, this one There's others
out there. So you can kind of get an idea of maybe, what to expect the next thing. I think that you should do is join some like-minded groups. So, like I'm always saying, Fireside adoptees is a great place to go. There's other adoptees sites on Facebook and Instagram, join those and start reading some of the posts that people are posting and start posting yourself. Elves. You know, we have a zoom call come to the zoom calls. You will learn so much and you will hear other people telling
their stories. So again, you will have a support system on top of kind, of learning. What to possibly expect when you start searching, it's a great resource and it will kind of prepare you for. Like I said, things that might happen. There are also reunions sites there's some on Facebook where You can have a search Angel help you for free, find your relatives and they have a pretty great success rate, they've helped a lot of people. So there's a resource for you as
well. When I searched I didn't have the internet back then there was no Facebook. This was the early 90s and I had to hire somebody to find my birth mother and then from there was able to find my birth father and this and that. So Got all the connections connected so to speak. But nowadays, you've got the internet. There's so much out there. So get on Google and start researching. Just get as much information as you can.
Another great idea would be to buy a journal and not only to write down your feelings and everything that's going on a safe place for you to kind of emotive about whatever. But it's also, Great place to keep notes about what you're finding as well as what you're feeling and thinking and it's kind of crazy for me because I had all these questions that I, you know, really wanted answers. And so I did get those answers. But man, when I think back, I don't remember the answers.
Like, I really wanted to hear my birth story and I don't remember any of it that she told me. So if I would have had a journal back then and wrote all that down, then I would have something. Going to go back and look at the sequence of things and just kind of help me jar, my memory, I don't know. Like it's so weird. How it's just like blocked or something, it's just not there, I don't remember it. I don't know what happened but now I really wish that I would have written it down.
I guess at the time, I thought, oh, I'm really going to remember this because it's so important to me and then I don't know what happened. So journaling would be a great idea. Like I said not only to put your thoughts down but also put down the facts that you're finding. Out so that you can go back and look at those later. If you forget and heck, maybe you'll use your journals to write an autobiography. Someday, who knows? So, it's just a great resource to keep things straight and keep
track of things. The next thing that you want to do, if you're going to search, is gather all the documents and information that you have, and even in ones that you can get some states, you can get your original birth certificates. So you want to get all the papers. Together and collected. So birth certificates, adoption papers, baptismal. Certificates. What adoption agency. What was the name and address? Were there any attorneys involved?
Social workers involved? What hospital were you born in all these things are going to help you. Find those people that you are looking for. You never know where you are, going to find a small little clue. That's going to open the door to everything that Been searching for for me. I was going through my health record at my doctor's office.
I was sitting in the waiting room, just thumbing through to see if there were any clues in there and there was my birth mother's name in writing from her doctor and I was just in shock. I was like, oh my gosh, that's my birth mother's name, it was just kind of crazy. It was just staring right back at me after, you know, 23 years. So you just never know. Or you're going to find that little nugget that's going to just catapult you and into finding these people that you're looking for.
So once you've kind of got these preliminary things out of the way, you want to make sure that before you search, you are in a good place. So after you've heard a couple of these adoption reunions stories, you're going to see why because there's so many things that can happen during this process, that it can get Literally crazy and make you
crazy. So if you're going through say you're moving, or you're going through a divorce or you're getting ready to have a baby or, you know, some big huge life change that's going to be stressful. You might want to wait a little bit, wait for the right time when you are searching, you are going to go through. So many emotions and feelings searching is not for the weak of of heart. So if you are not in a good place, get yourself in a good place.
Before you start searching, because it can be mentally and emotionally draining along with 5,000 other things. So make sure you're in a good spot, make sure you have a support system. You have people that you can talk to like I was saying earlier, because it really is a crazy journey and anything can happen. Happen at any time. So you just have to be prepared and I don't know if you can ever be fully prepared but try and be
prepared as possible. That's my goal in this episode for you today and a good thing to do would be to figure out how you distress. What are your coping skills when you are in a stressful situation? Because I mean, even in regular non-adoption Bishop's, there's always crazy things going on. So what do you do to de-stress and decompress and have those things in your brain before you start doing a reunions process? Whether it's exercise or
meditation or yoga? Are you just go for a walk by yourself somewhere or you watch TV, read a book, whatever it is for you. Make sure you have those things in your back pocket. Ready to pull out when the
stress comes. And there might be times in the reunions research process where you need to take a break, you know, you might hit a dead end, you might hit a wall and you might just need to step away for a little bit and come back to it. Don't force anything, listen to your body and do what you need to do, for self care during this time because it's not going to go. Well, if you are all hyped up amped up stressed. Ridden, it's not good for you and it's not going to be good
for the reunions process. If you go into it stressed out and at this point again, I'm going to mention how important it is to have that support system of other adoptees. Now you might, you know, use your significant other or best friend as a sounding board. But you are going to find out that they might be there to listen, but they're not going to
fully understand what. We're going through and you might even feel judged by them a little bit, like why are you freaking out over this one thing? Like it's not that big of a deal but a lot of people don't realize. These little details are huge for adoptees and so you need to have fellow adoptees as sounding
boards for you. During this time, when you are experiencing things, that only adoptees have experienced and only adoptees are going to be able to, Be an empathetic ear that will understand exactly what you are going through. I can't tell you how many times it's been super frustrating to me trying to get an adoptee thought, through to someone who's not adopted. They just don't get it. So, let's just skip that process of frustration and just get
somebody. That's an adoptee, that knows what you're going through, can understand and be empathetic towards you. The reunions process. The next thing I want to talk about is probably the biggest obstacle. I think that most people run up against when they are searching and in reunions and that is expectations, expectations are huge. And I personally didn't think I had expectations until recently when I was in an adoptee Zoom meeting.
And I realized that one, huge expectation that I didn't even think of as an expectation at the time was I wasn't expecting my birth family to not like some things about me. Why would they not like me? Like I'm a good person, I'm a great person so this is going to go, great right? I mean what's there not to like about me. So I went to into it, you know thinking like that and And I wasn't what my birth mother expected.
She wondered why I didn't have certain hair color and eye color and why I was a certain height and why this and why I look like that and I was just like, wow, I felt super judged in the moment. And you know, the other thing was why is she so guarded? And, you know, she's not coming across as open and I felt totally open to the process. I mean, of course there was a lot to process. Process. So maybe it was not so I don't know. I just was kind of shocked at the reactions.
I was getting sometimes because it wasn't what I was expecting. So there's that word. Expectations don't try to have any even after you've met these people and things seemed to be going. Great, mine went great for years. Until it went off the tracks. So you just don't know what exactly is going on in people's lives in their brains. What trauma? They've been through through the adoption process, especially the
birth mother. So you just kind of have to realize that you're both traumatized and you are going to react sometimes from that place and especially the birth mother. She's had maybe expectations since the last Last time she saw your face if she ever saw your face, and those expectations could be huge. And it could be something that nobody would ever be able to live up to. She might want to be your mother. Well, maybe you have an adoptive mother that you love and you
don't need another mother. So now, what, which is another huge part of expectation is where did this person that you're meeting? Where do they see themselves fitting in to your family? And where are you going to fit into their family? A lot of times, they haven't even told anyone that you exist. There's a lot of birth father's. It didn't even know they had a child out there and you're knocking on their door or phone calling them.
Hi. I did some DNA and I think I'm your child and you Know that can be very shocking and who knows how they're going to react in that moment. I mean, gosh I don't even I can't even imagine being put in that situation. It would be Joy Terror. I'd be angry. There's just so much. And so those people are going to react through that trauma that they're just found out that they have a kid that they never even knew about and that might get reflected to you.
So you have to try and not take things. Personally because they're reacting out of a totally different place and it has probably nothing to do with you. There are birth mothers that have never told anybody that they were pregnant or very few people. So maybe their current family and her kids don't even know you exist. So when you knock on that door and she opens it, you might get not a very good reception.
Because whoa, I'm face-to-face with what happened 40 years ago and I thought I was never going to have to think about that again. And I really don't want to because it was very traumatic. So there could be so many different scenarios you have no idea. I know most adoptees have, you know, they dream up. Like what? Oh my you know Mom could be a princess and my dad could be a rock star or something.
I mean You don't know, they could be anybody, but you don't know what they've gone through and where they're at and who they've told and who knows, who doesn't know there's so much. So when you knock on that door, make that phone call, you have to be ready for any kind of reaction and just try not to take it personal when the reaction happens because it like I said, it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with whatever has happened to them.
So the best thing you can do is just try and be as flexible and open-minded to the process as possible, because anything, and everything can happen once you take the lid off, Pandora's Box and even after it's been off for a while, things can just automatically all of a sudden go sideways and you're just like
what just happened. I've heard that from many adoptees like one day she just called me and said, I don't want to do this anymore and that's kind of what Happened to me, my birth mother sent me a letter and she said, you know, if you want to know medical type of questions and things like that, then you can contact me. But if it's anything to do with relationship, I'm not interested. So I had a second rejection after, I don't know, maybe Five,
six, seven years after reunions. When I was just kind of Blindsided at that point, I knew things weren't great, but I didn't think they were like that, and I don't know what happened, and I really think it's II. Can't take that on, it wasn't me. It was something going on with her. So you know what, that's where she was at. I have to have some compassion for it, because I can't imagine the trauma that she went through.
And maybe she was in the fog and maybe coming out of the Fog, I don't know, I don't know, she's still alive. So, you know, I do hold out. Hope that things might get better but I'm not going to expect it. The expectations when they crash is not fun. So, whatever happens happens and I'm going to just try and be open-minded and flexible in my own situation but I think just trying to figure out where these people fit into your life.
After reunions can be very tough and I think that's something that kind of needs to be discussed. I know it's difficult to have these hard conversations with your birth family when you've just met them and it could be, it might be an exciting time and so you don't want to bring it down by bringing up these serious conversations. But I think the more communication that is out there the better the reunions going to go.
So Be open and honest. If you don't want another mother figure in your life, you know, I kind of felt like my birth mom was kind of like an aunt or a cousin, you know, like we had a lot in common and so it was fun. Like I saw that mirroring but I didn't need another mom. So that's kind of where things got stuck to I think. But we never had a discussion about it. We never talked about it, so maybe it would have been something we could have worked out. Out, but she closed the door
pretty much there. I had to respect. I had to respect it just like I would have expected her to respect my decision, if I had decided to cut things off as well. The second rejection is not fun but it's okay. I'm okay, i-i'm it is what it is and I'm okay with it. I'm still open to the process of
whatever happens. And if nothing happens, I'm open to that as well and all these things are Really important to think about before you search because you have no idea how fast the process can go. And before, you know it, someone saying I have your mother's phone number and I'm ready to call her. So, you have to think of these things before the search, you have to be ready for an emotional roller coaster and just hang on. And that is why you shouldn't go into it.
When You aren't in a great place. It's just not going to work out. Well, you are going to be putting a ton of emotional energy into this process so just be patient go at your own pace and just know that there's going to be twists and turns and it's okay to take a break from the search. The other thing you need to think about is setting boundaries and I know that that's going to kind of be difficult because you might Not know what those boundaries are until you meet the person.
But if you listen to other adoptee reunions stories, you might have a little bit of an idea on what boundaries you might have to make. I know the temptation to Jump. Right. In with both feet is a thing and something that a lot of adoptees and people that are in reunions want to do, but it's probably best if you slow down that
process a little bit. So that you can examine expectations and communication and boundaries and just have a you know I'll talk to you once a week at first or don't jump right into going to meet them and see them maybe do a FaceTime first and just go slow you don't know these people, you don't know them and so you want to get to know them a little bit.
That you can make some of those boundaries before things get out of hand, and you jump in too quickly and then it's hard to pull back at that point and then when you are pulling back you're going to hurt have some hurt feelings. So it's best. If you just go slow in the beginning, I know how hard that can be.
So it's it's not ideal but really in the long run it's more healthy that way it's okay to look at Or why and why you wanted to search and just go with that subject first and be like, you know, I really just wanted to get some medical background and get to know you a little bit and get to know my birth story a little bit and then we'll just kind of see where it goes, you know, take it slow, it's easier to take it slow. Then have to pull back.
So, I hope I gave you some things to think about, if you are thinking about trying to connect with your birth family, or even if you've already connected and have a reunions going, and it's going great or maybe it's going sideways. And you just need some tips to help, get it back on track. Just have compassion for yourself and compassion for everyone involved. It is a difficult thing to navigate and Try and figure out. So just be kind to yourself and
the others around. You, feel free to share this episode. If you think that someone needs to hear it. And if you are ready to tell your adoption story, or your reunions story, email me at mind, your own Karma at gmail.com, and let's get your story on the podcast. This is how we are going to educate the World by telling one story at a time. We are already making a A difference.
Just by telling our stories on all these podcasts and blogs and YouTube channels, we are getting the word out and every story is important. Your story is important, even if you are another person in the constellation a birth mother and adoptive parent, please email me and we'll get your story on the show. I have had people ask how to help promote the show to do that, please rate and review.
On your listening platform. This really helps get the word out about this podcast and will help people searching for this content to find it. Once again, I want to thank you all for this wonderful year of podcasting and all my accomplishments. I could not have done it without each and every one of you listening. So, thank you so much. If there is something that you want to hear, Let me know and I will try I to fit it into the
podcast. I have some great interviews coming up for you in 2023. Some stay tuned for that. It's going to be a great year. So as always take what you need and leave, what you don't and always remember to mind your own Karma. I'll see you next time. Oh my gosh, Tomlin. Are you serious? This is what I put up with guys.