Episode 010 – 7 Relationship Master Skills to Overcome 4 Disasters

Summary:

In Episode 010, Joseph explains to us the 4 disasters of relationships and the 7 master skills to overcome them based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, an expert in the field of marriage research. Challenges in marriage and relationships are a given and can easily overwhelm us, especially if we’re left without some practical help and advice. We can all relate to feelings of contempt and times when we’ve been critical of our partners—2 of the 4 disasters that can really hurt a relationship. The good news is that we CAN change the course of our relationships. Tune in to find out Dr. Gottman’s 7 master skills that will overcome the 4 disasters and in turn, improve our marriages and relationships.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

• 00:01 – Introduction to Mind Your Mind Podcast
• 00:25 – Today’s topic: 7 Relationship Master Skills to Overcome 4 Disasters
• 00:52 – Joseph will be referring to the works ofDr. John Gottman, an expert in marriage research
• 02:13 – “Friendship fuels the flames of romance, because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” – John Gottman
• 02:34 – Understanding the 4 disasters and applying the 7 master skills will help your life and relationships
• 03:22 – The “Four Horsemen of Gottman’s Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling

○03:29 – Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or character to prove them wrong

■03:46 – Criticism is the opposite of intimacy and closeness

○04:16 – Contempt is attacking your partner's sense of self and looking down on them

■04:45 – Contempt is sulfuric acid for love

■05:35 – This destroys relationships

■05:42 – Look at yourself because contempt is a contagious disease

○05:56 – Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim

○06:28 – Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship or conversation to avoid conflict

■06:43 – Stonewalling shows disapproval, distance, and disconnection

• 07:05 – The general solution is to take notice of these four disasters in your relationship
• 07:12 – Here are the 7 Solutions to counter criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling:

○07:19 – #1: Share clear hurts and requests – “When you insulted me in public, I felt very sad and alone. I want you to tell me you’ll make an effort not to insult me in public again”

○08:00 – #2 Use a soft startup, start from a place of unarguable truth, and listen generously

○08:28 – #3 Shift to appreciation

○08:42 – #4 Claim responsibility

○08:52 – #5 Rewrite your inner script

○09:08 – #6 Practice becoming non-defensive

○09:35 – #7 Help your partner reach their dreams

• 09:41 – Joseph shares Dr. Gottman’s story of how he tried to publish his marriage book

○10:00 – After several rejections, he ended up with one publishing executive who asked him to give him practical marriage advice in 30 seconds

○10:19 – Dr. Gottman said “Honor your wife’s dreams” and the executive walked out

○10:30 – A few days later he got the call saying he got the contract

○10:43 – Dr. Gottman found out later that the executive went straight home and had a meaningful conversation with his wife about her dreams—his advice made an impact

• 11:21 – We all enter relationships with the idea that we’re going to help each other; but when we really honor each other’s dreams, it can repair and change a relationship for the better
• 11:39 – Get rid of the 4 negative horsemen
• 12:06 – James says,“My spouse speaks to me with contempt and says that I do the same to her. How do I get her to stop saying this?”– Start looking at yourself and see where you get triggered. Be curious and ask how you can work on it.
• 13:22 – All 4 disasters destroy marriages
• 13:46 – Please don’t forget to rate us and leave us a review oniTunes!
• 13:53 – End of this week’s podcast!

3 Key Points:

1. The 4 disasters WILL destroy your marriage; so take notice of whether or not they are present in your relationship.
2. The solution is to start a conversation from a soft place with your unarguable truths—this sets you and your partner up for success.
3. Always look at yourself FIRST, before confronting your partner about how they treat you.

Resources Mentioned:

• Dr. John Gottman– An expert in relationships and marriage research
• Download PDF – A PDF summary of the 4 Disasters and 7 Masters Skills by Joseph Tropper