Episode 25 | How to talk to teens about Peer Pressure

The content of this episode should not be confused with treatment advice or direction given from a mental health professor. Nothing contained in this podcast was made or intended to supplement or supersede relations with mental health providers or treatment. While Jeremy Levitt is a licensed marriage and family therapist, he is not functioning as a mental health provider in this podcast.

Same is considered for any professional that may appear on the show. Their views are solely their own and do not reflect any company or profession they may represent. Welcome to Mind the Gap, where teens have a voice and parents learn to listen to that voice. Here we will talk with teens about their everyday challenges and accomplishments and learn what they are facing daily and what their needs are.

As parents, we will learn valuable skills from a licensed marriage and family therapist on how to be aware of the gap in communication and close that gap. Welcome to Mind the Gap. Welcome back to Mind the Gap. We are here with a guest co-host. I guess we call him a guest too. We should give them an official name when we have visitors on. Vibe Captain. Another You're the Vibe Captain.

Okay. I know they didn't read they didn't laugh. They didn't even respond. I was like, am I supposed to respond? Yeah, I'm waiting to get introduced. So we have our resident teen Luke. Hi guys. And then Luke has recruited a good friend Audrey. So we're excited to have her here. We're excited to have her perspective on today's topic. And today's topic is coming at you from an experience that actually a really good friend of mine has recently had where her home was vandalized by some teenager.

and kind of how it all came to be and how it all um started and how she found out about it.

Anyway, so I think we want to talk a little bit today about peer pressure within teenagers and close friends and how we can help our teenagers. maybe say no when they're feeling peer pressure from their friends to do things and I think they our kids find it easier and you guys can maybe answer yes or no. You find maybe find it easier to say no to friends that aren't super close to you. Yeah. Yeah. than it probably is to say no to friends that you hang out with on a regular basis.

Yeah. Yeah. So we that's why we have Jeremy though. That's why we're lucky to have Jeremy'cause he gets us all the tools and tricks on how to handle it. Well you definitely know more than I do. You have more experience than I do'cause you have That's true. Somehow we managed to get Austin through out on his own. He left back to Hawaii. I know. He's back in Hawaii. So Jeremy, why don't he start us off with maybe helping us understand this topic a little bit more. Yeah. So peer pressure is

One, it's I think it's something we all identify with'cause we've all been this age, right? We've all been a teenager. Every single one of us has dealt with peer pressure. But we have to I think we have to separate peer pressure a little bit. I think it falls into two categories. We've got peer pressure, which is where your friends or peers are actively trying to get you to do something.

Right. And then you have peer influence. And peer influence is where like they may not be actively trying to get you to do it, but because they're doing this, this, this, or this, you may be more likely to do this, this, this, and this. And that could be good or bad. Right, I guess on both sides. Pure pressure always generally has a negative connotation associated with it. But it doesn't have to be bad. But

So that's really what we're talking about here. We're talking about two different things that are very similarly related. And I think it's important to talk about both, the influence and the pressure.

Does that make sense, like the difference? Yeah, I I understand. Do you have any thoughts or any insights into like Is peer influence more difficult for you? I'm trying to think of the right word. I don't want to use the word manage, but like W Yeah, well for me I would say if all my friends are doing something and even if they don't ask me to do it, I I'd probably want to

you know, kind of be a part of the group, you know, not be left out, depending on what it is. Then when it comes to peer pressure and they're trying to get me to do something, then I know how to say no'cause That's usually a bad thing, you know. Yeah, see that a lot. Especially with social media. I have kids that come to my office that honestly don't want to be on social media. They know they're addicted. They know they have an issue, but because everybody else is doing it

And if they don't do it, how are they going to communicate and blah blah blah blah? They don't have somebody sitting there saying, Oh, you should totally do this or you should totally do that, but that peer influence is having a huge effect on them as well. Right, and that ding FOMO. I know, right? So I think I mean that runs in our family called the Anderson thing. I definitely have that fear of missing out.

literally like feel like I have to go to everything or else I'm like missing out on something huge even when like it isn't that huge. Yeah. So that's that's the peer influence, right? Like not wanting to miss out on anything. What's funny is that each of my kids is very different. So Austin couldn't have cared less about peer influence. And so raising him was very different. Luke, on the other hand, he l yes, he loves to be trendy. So the new thing lately is thrifting.

Well it's that's just I don't know if that's a new thing or that's never I was that way at his age. Okay, so my friends and I never you would never have caught us in a million years in a thrift shop buying clothes. Like it never would have But it's like a new thing, all these kids, I'm like, What are you wearing? Like your grandpa wore that shirt Sweater.

And uh and so it's but it's the cool thing to do now, you know, so Luke's now Well, I also enjoy it. Like if there's something cool that I didn't like I wouldn't do. Right, but that's what I'm saying, but the you were influenced by yeah, a lot of other people doing it. So now that's kind of become who you are and that's your style and and that's fine. It's there's there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just very different because

I'm adjusting to this'cause I'm like, Are you sure that's cool? Are you sure that's it? I'm like, Yes, mom'cause it's kinda weird to me in my brain. But he thinks it's cool, so I'm adjusting to the snoo. idea of a kid wanting to be trendy, right?'Cause Austin never cared. Yeah. So I still remember that time I walked in and Austin was wearing two completely different shoes and I'm like he's like, I just don't care. He doesn't care. And one of them was painted. Yeah. It was

Yeah, he didn't care and Luke Luke really actually does care and I think, you know, the two girls it'll be very different with what they're influenced by. I can already kinda see Remy wanting to be a little trendy. She's like You know, like LED lights, I want them'cause that's what all the other kids have. I feel like Alyssa's more like I'm sh gonna f I'm just gonna focus on me. I don't know. She's paving her own path. Yeah.

She's like kinda like Austin, maybe it's kinda more like yeah, that's how I'd say. Yeah. So anyway, I didn't even acknowledge the fact that there's peer influence versus peer pressure, you know,'cause I don't think you guys probably feel pressured. Maybe with your styles but influence. It's not like people like you have to dress like that. That's what you have to do. It's like To be cool. No, I'm kinda doing it for me but also'cause I like it and you know? Yeah.

Does it also impress the girls, Audrey? Yeah, I'd have to say. It's probably one of my like Like biggest things is when a guy dresses up. Well, I'm like, oh, he's really cute. They know what they're doing. And he got that at Savers fifty percent off on Monday. That'll become more important as the girls get older. Wait, cut that out. People can't know that. The lot'll get too big. That'll be too many people. So Audrey, I'm interested in like from your perspective

When you look at your peer group and I I'm glad I differentiated those because peer pressures you're right, you guys maybe don't feel that as much. Right. But with the peer influence and your peer group, like where do you see people being influenced the most into doing things that are maybe outside of their value system?

bit. Like do you see that happening? Uh yeah, definitely. I mean I've kinda chosen to surround myself with people that like have the same value system as me, but I've definitely been in the situation when People are like doing things that I don't believe in or that are different values than me. And it's hard not to like.

separate yourself from them. It's hard to be like, Oh, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna go do my own thing because you don't wanna seem like you're offending them or something, at least from my perspective. You don't want to hurt their feelings. Well that that leads to a good discussion point here in that a good friend, if you have your standards and your boundaries set up well, right, and we've talked about boundaries before and how important they are.

and your friend is doing something outside of your value system, your friend is gonna understand that that is not something you're interested in or gonna do and they may not invite you to it or they may not Ask you to participate and you're still gonna respect them because maybe you share other things in common other than this.

thing. And so I think there's a a good thing there. Now I remember growing up, my parents were very much of the mindset of you don't be around people that do this, this, this, this, or this. And if I was to honestly do that, if I like only hung out with the kids my parents defined as for me to hang out with, I wouldn't have any friends.

Right. And so that's just something like we have to learn how to operate in our environment without necessarily isolating ourselves completely. There is some value. I'm I was like you, Audrey. I hung out with mostly kids who identified the same way I did, right? And had the same value system. But even within that, you know, church was important to us. But there was kids that didn't go to church every Sunday or they didn't do this or they didn't do that. And so

I think we have to be very conscientious and we can do that as long as our boundaries are good and we know who we are and we know what our values are. Yeah. What I found was is best for me is I'll have my close friends that are basically just like me, like my same s exact standards. And us as like a little group of two or three, we can go hang out in groups that don't, you know, if they have like Other values.

If you still stick with like a little group, you can go different places, you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yep. Yeah, I remember in when I was in high school I had there was a little core group of us that had very similar standards and we would hang out with other kids. And I remember being the only female most of the time. And these two other guys were very protective if anybody tried to influence me or pressure me into anything. because they knew my standards, they'd be like, nah

Don't ask this girl to be involved in this and be involved in that. You know, and I look back now and I'm like, Wow, I'm so grateful for that was a good friend. Friends who watched out for me and knew my morals and my standards. So at least I knew I had this protection with my little core group of friends, you know. A really good example of that is Clara. She had her best friend Bella. It's like

they both would go hang out. Like they had this little group and they'd go hang out and some of their kids in the group would like go Do whatever that they wouldn't do, you know? And then Claire and Bella, they're like, Oh, we don't do that and that's how they s kinda met and they became like best friends.

So they're always together whenever they go into like little groups and stuff. So if they wanna go do some, we have each other, you know. Yeah. That's cool. That's always good to have a close friend that has your back. It's always true. Yeah.

So here's here's another something we have to consider, right? We're not gonna exist in a bubble. I mean we can try, but I don't even know if that's good for us. But as parents, right? So let's talk to the parents for a minute. If all your kids hear about y their friends from you is I don't like this and I don't like this and I don't like this and this and this and

You're basically judging their friends, right? And I mean you might have some validity in your points and what you're saying, but think about what you're doing. You're isolating your kid, you're Teenagers in particular have the potential to run away from that, meaning like they distance from you and attach more towards their friends.

Right. And so when you talk to your kids, it should always be about behaviors, not about people. Right? It should be like, Hey, I just I don't like And it's ideal if you know, if they're old enough you can have a conversation about like how do you feel about John's choice? Is it helping him? And is it doing this? But if it's younger you just need to kinda make it different. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year old will run

this this distance themselves from the parent and run towards their friends. So it'd be really good not to judge because you don't parents, I mean, you always say like I hear this in my office all the time. Oh that doesn't happen in my house. And I'm like yes it does.

And so imagine if your kid is struggling with being sexually active or drugs or lying anything and you're like, Oh, that John, he's such a hell yeah and he's sleeping around, he's You know, I had a parent in my office say he's hoeing around, not knowing that their son was also participating in the same. And can you imagine what me and the son talked about for the next five?

Yeah. Right? Dealing with that shame and learning how to cope with that. So we have to be very, very careful not to be judgmental, mom and dad. It's not useful, it's not helpful. But we can talk about beh you can talk about behaviors you don't agree with, but you can't You can't shame anybody and you can't.

place judgment on people. Yeah, so um sitting here as a mom thinking about that, I'm like, oh man, I hope I haven't done that. You know As your mom ever said, don't ho don't hoe around like there's been like one time where I I thought I'd distance myself from a friend, but then I was like I I kinda made up with him and then I was like

If it's not that I don't have to hang out with you, it's just I don't have to do some of the things you do. That's all it is, really. Yeah. And I agree with Jeremy. I mean, we can't you as teenagers can't live in a bubble with just you know, I think diversity is really good. Yeah. I think we learn from it. I think we learn from our peers.

I had lots of different friends that came from different walks of life and thought things differently. But yeah, like you said, like you don't have to participate in some of the actions that they do, even if you wanna be friends, you know? We can be friends in a d totally different way, I think, that when you can learn from each other

But I think those boundaries need to be very visible with your friends or your peers, your acquaintances that they know. Okay, look if I invite Luke to this party or Audrey to this party they're not gonna be drinking. They're not gonna be smoking, you know? And so should I invite them, you know? And then as Luke and Audrey go, Okay, I know there's gonna be all this stuff going on at this party, maybe I'm not gonna go.

Yeah. You know, but you can associate that with school or through sports or music or other things. So I don't know, it's this this hard. It's hard to help your teens navigate what's appropriate. In relationships without a little bit of a little bit of a little

keeping them inside a bubble. Yeah. A little bit ago me and Audrey and our group of state CH T friends, the Church History Tour. So we all have about the same values. And we're all like, Okay, there's this bonfire and they're like, I don't know if we should go'cause there's probably gonna be drinking and smoking and some of us were like, If we go in a group and we get too un uncomfortable, we could always just leave. But if we could have fun

at the bonfire with even just us or even meet other people, you know. And we all went, we had a good time and after a little bit we just left and there was no problem, so I actually You always just need to know what's best for you and what's the safest or just be smart about it. You're a hundred percent right. I'm gonna add one more layer to it though, right?

You gotta know who you are. You have to be very secure in and in what your boundaries are. But there is a point and I use this when I'm working with people in addiction recovery all the time. If you take an ice cube out of the freezer and Eventually that ice cube will take the shape of the environment it is in.

Right? And so you have to kinda know when enough is enough. And you know, if I take an ice cube out of the freezer and put it in a cup, it's gonna take the shape of a cup and it's gonna take the shape of the bowl, it's gonna take the shape of the counter as it melts.

Very slow over time, but the whole like Lahantai principle from the Book of Mormon, you guys remember that? Like just come down the mountain a little bit. Just come down the mountain a little bit. Now I think that is pure pressure versus pure influence. And so I guess it kind of depends on the environment you are in.

Mm-hmm. And the if you're pure influence and you're strong and you know who you are, you're gonna exist in a world with crap air. I mean you drive down the street every day here in Las Vegas and there's a dispensary. You can stop at the dispensary if you want, right? That doesn't mean you're gonna go do it. Yeah.

you hit it there when you were talking about influence versus pressure as well. Because I think knowing the the groups that you're gonna be involved in, if you know that they're the kind of kids or group that are gonna pressure you into something, then you know, okay, I'm not gonna go'cause every time I go, these guys are Hey, do you wanna do this? Why don't you do that? You know, th they're constantly pressuring you, but if it's a situation where you can go and be in a crowd

I don't know, this gets really tricky for me as a mom. Here's here's maybe the line, right? And maybe this is where your head is exploding, right? Because mine's doing the same thing. That works. for a kid who's strong and secure, right? Right. With the pressure it might be harder, but if it's just influence or other it's easy. But if that kid is not secure in who they are, they have a weak self esteem, even the influence will top

Because they wanna fit in and they wanna feel like they're gett ever they can get along with everybody and make friends and they want people to like them. So influence can be just as dangerous if we aren't raising resilient kids with some high self esteem. Yeah.

So I guess I kinda wanna bring up this incident'cause maybe we can talk a little bit about this and how damaging I think this one situation was, is that I had a friend who recently was out of town and uh she had her friend call her and said your house is vandalized last night with eggs. ketchup and mustard all over your sidewalks, cream cheese in your bricks, eggs on the roof, eggs just everywhere. Toilet paper, it was wintertime, it was frozen. She was out of town.

Anyway, it after a couple days she finally found out who it was. And I happened to be a neighbor kid that didn't know her family. He didn't know them at all. And he was sleeping over at a house with a bunch of teenage kids. They're 14, 13, 14-year-olds. And they just decided to pick a house in the neighborhood. So it wasn't like a hate crime or anything. It wasn't out of being hateful. But not one of those kids stood up and said, Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.

You know, that's not right. I'm not gonna go and vandalize somebody else. I mean, her house, the pizza boxes, empty pizza or pizza all over, garbage, trash. Oh, this is an expensive vandal, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean it wasn't and it was you know, thought out and anyway, but so

you're thinking to yourself, Okay, these friends are really close, they're sleeping over. It wasn't like they were at a big group with kids they didn't really know and didn't associate with. They were probably pretty close friends. And somebody made the suggestion You know, so how do we teach our kids in those situations is what to, you know, when you're talking about the peer pressure and I'm sure none of the other kids wanted to say no because then they're gonna be that one that

Well and can you imagine being at a sleepover? It's not your safe place and everyone else is going to go do what are you gonna do, say no, I'm staying here? Yeah. Oh, on the on the flip side, this is why we don't do sleepovers at my house. No sleepovers at my house either. My kids don't sleep over.

Unless they're uh cousins. Yeah, once a week probably. But I just kept thinking the six and this is kind of what sparked this whole in this whole conversation is you know, how do we teach our kids from a young age to say no to that kind of pressure from close friends that they supposedly trust. and they're out doing something like that. And it's an immediate you have to make an immediate decision, you know?

And yeah, do you stay home and be the only one to not go anyway? So in in that instance, I don't think unless they had planned it, like maybe they didn't even know this was happening. No, I think it was like one of those spur of the moment you're having a sleepover, hey, let's go eggs and reason. So that is one of those things where unfortunately natural consequences is gonna do the teaching this time.

Right, but if we could rewind the tape, it would just be I mean, I really honestly f I feel like a broken record that we as parents can model that behavior for our kids a lot. When's the last time your kids saw you hold up a boundary with somebody?

I mean it doesn't have to be big. It could be, you know, a church leader asks you to do this thing and you're like, you know what? I've got this, this, this and this today. It's not gonna work for me. Like, when's the last time your kids have seen you set a boundary? And if they have never seen you set a boundary, you've got an issue. They need to see you do it.

I think something that's important, like what you said earlier, was about having a good self esteem and like being like secure with what you believe in. So maybe in that situation one of the kids actually didn't want to do it, but he was like

I can't say no because they're not gonna be friends with me anymore or they're gonna make fun of me for saying no. So that's like where the self esteem comes into play. If you're like really secure with yourself and you know what you want and you know what you believe in, it's easier to say no. And it's easier for other people to realize that that's what you want. And so it's easier for them to respect your decisions.

Oh no, if they don't, you don't care. It's like whatever. Right. Right. Oh, they're they're not like haters gonna hate. Why should I be friends with them if they don't respect whatever? Exactly. Yeah. And even if I if I was in that situation one of my friends brought up, I'll just m I don't want to do that. Like you guys can go do that, that's on you, but I don't want any saying it. I mean I'd I'd even at first try to convince them not to, but if they're still gonna do it I

Not gonna get into a fight about it. Well, and that's their decisions, right? They can live with consequences. But I I want you guys to think about this. Something else that parents can do is really hit home the fact that, you know what, there's we need to teach our kids. There's probably somebody else that doesn't want to do it too. You're not the only one thinking.

No, this isn't a good idea. So you could be helping other people by saying no. And then you create your own little squad, right? And you know who who has your back at that point. But I really feel like your guys' age group it's a little bit more difficult than when I was a kid,'cause pure influence when I was a kid was like

Oh, wear Genko jeans, you guys don't even know what those are. And r have'em ripped on the bottom and you know, you have to have this backpack and you have to do this and you have to do that. You guys are so much more involved because everything is on social media. Yeah. Right? That that's probably one of the biggest influences on people like, oh, I have to be like this person, this person's cool, this person's popular, I'm gonna do it, this person does. That's basically what social media does.

But if you're secure about yourself and you don't care about that. I think that's just what's important in all these situations. You just have to know who you are. You have to know what you believe in, what your values are and stick with it. Yeah. I think that goes back to our very first episode. I remember talking with Austin and Jeremy you a you said to Austin, Who are you? And Yeah. You know, without labeling your athletics or

Roles, body, brain, accomplishments, or weaknesses. Yeah. And so also how to really think about that. Like who am I? You know? And and as parents trying to teach your children that you are more than just a volleyball player or you're more than a you know, straight A student, that you're a kind person, that you are service oriented and you're a caring person, you know, there's other

ways to define who you are outside of those characteristics. And I think I said at the first episode that if you wanna know what the secret to all therapy is, it's that. Everything that you do that's outside of your value system, every weakness you have is a response to you not feeling good enough. Right. So if you never feel not good enough.

You're you know Yeah. Another thing is people can change their value systems like like, oh, this is okay if I do that and they change the values. They used to not do it, but now they do it and now it's a part of their value.

Yeah. For good or for bad, right? Yeah. But it could go either way. Yeah. Two other thoughts I want parents to understand. One, encourage your teenagers to have like a wide group of friends. Right, don't socially isolate with these four people. Like you should have friends in every group because that creates some sense of safety in that well if I only have these four friends and I go along with something they want to do, well that's all I got.

Right. And I really, really like that idea. Right. And I that's who I was in high school. And it wasn't in a click. I had Friends everywhere and I really, really enjoyed that. And I would highly encourage everybody to do that, right? It's helpful. It sounds like you guys do that too. Yeah. It's so much fun. We have like so many different like groups.

I think it's so healthy, it's unhealthy to very healthy. And you can rely on different groups for different things and right. And then the other thing is is parents, if you're this is a little bit after the fact kind of thing, but if your kids call ya Or text you saying they need help or they're at a party or they're someplace

and they need to go home, don't get angry at them, right? Why did you do this? Why did you choose to go here? Really focus on thank you for calling me. I really appreciate that. Even if they did something stupid. Right. Like focus on the fact that they reached out to you because they didn't want it to go any further.

Right, you're gonna get a lot more parenting done, positive parenting done with that than with lecturing. The lecturing come later, right, if it even needs to come. Yeah, I like that because recently it's an extended family who's been in the situation where An extended family of of our family has chosen to marry someone out of the country and it's been a very difficult situation and her par I mean, she's obviously older but

the parents don't feel like they have any say. And I was telling Austin Luke a couple of weeks ago, I was like, Hey, do we have a good enough relationship that you guys feel like if something was not going right or you felt something you could come and talk to me and then you would trust my advice or you would trust me to say

the right thing, you know? Is I try really hard to work to have that relationship that the kids would be like, Yeah, if something was happening, hey, I'm gonna call my mom because I know or my dad and because I know they're gonna come and and save me and protect me.

from myself even sometimes, you know, if they're doing something that they felt like they were in a situation and I think I've told my kids numerous times, if you guys ever are somewhere We used to try and think of a code word or something like, Hey, text me Does grandma need me tonight? Or, you know, did you say grandma needed me at seven o'clock or something code is that anything with spaghetti in it. Yeah.'Cause my kids have never eaten spaghetti in their life'cause me and Vanessa hate it.

That's a code word. So if I go call home and Vanessa goes, Hey, we're having spaghetti for dinner, I know I need to call 911. Guess something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah. I wouldn't be afraid to like if I'm in a situation I don't want to be on the Hey mom, when did I have to be home again? Yeah. And I would know for sure if that was coming from Luke. That's like something. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. If I'm in that situation, I'll be like Yeah, my mom just texted me.

That she needs me home. That with me. I sometimes my mom actually does need me. But like It's never gonna know now. I've like told my mom that I say that sometimes and sh she's like, Don't put it on me but I'm like I tell my kids up to the guy, I don't need to be your friend's friend. Yeah, that's what my mom says all the time. She's like, You could blame anything on me, I don't care just as long as you're safe.

Yeah. So I'll give you an experience from my teenage years, a time where I got billed out and a time where I didn't, right? So one time I had these group of friends. Now I it was a little different. Like so I had my friends at school and then I had started doing Taekwondo when I was twelve, right? And so by the time I was fourteen, I had my first black belt.

And we have a core group of kids at the Karate Studio. I was literally there from the time I got out of school till eight or nine at night at the karate studio. Every day but Saturday and Sunday. And Saturday I was there just there on Saturday morning. So these were my core friends.

And we used to hang out all the time, right? And a lot of them knew my values and it was fine. And they never asked me to do something outside of my value system. They teased me a little bit about my value system, but I knew it was teasing and they weren't really trying to, you know, get me to do anything.

But one time they said, Hey, let's go to this place, and I'd never heard of this place before, but the way they explained it, it sounded cool to me. It was just like a pool hall, a pool club, right, where you go and play pool. And I guess it w i they allowed teenagers in. And in my value system, I didn't like to be around a lot of smoke and a lot of drinking, but half of this pool hall was blocked off to kids because it was a bar on the other side, right?

But the kids could be on this side, but the the smoking and the alcohol moved over to the pool side as well. And I just felt really, really icky and I didn't like it there. And some of the kids got offered stuff by some of the adults and were starting to drink and blah blah blah. So I called my mom and I said, Hey mom, I don't like it here. Can you come get me? And she actually sent my grandpa to come get me in case he needed to kick some butt.

And so that was an experience where I did ask for help and I was so glad I did, right? And the thing is, is not every one of my friends drank, I think only two of them did out of the fifteen of us that were there, right? But what I realized is that their parents drink or smoke and so that wasn't outside of their values So I didn't shame them for it. I didn't do anything. I just knew next time they wanted to go there, I was like, you know what, I got things to do tonight, right?

The other time, same group of friends but a little bit older with a little bit of different crowd. we decided to ditch one day. So we went to this girl's house and this girl she was kinda going down this really wrong path and they pulled out some marijuana.

And they all started baking now that I'm a alcohol and drug counselor and a marriage and family therapist, I understand they w didn't even know what they were doing with the stuff, but they were starting to make this stuff and I didn't say anything. They didn't ask me to do it, and I didn't do it.

But I knew there was inappropriate things happening in the bedroom down the hall. I knew there was kids eating marijuana that may or may not have been activated. There was like all this stuff happening and I just remember going home and feeling like crap. And I wish I would have said something in that instance. I really wish I would have at least said I need to go home. Right. Isn't that funny'cause I think that those moments um we remember pretty

strongly in our heads'cause they were those were defining moments I think in our lives. And as teenagers you guys probably have had some of those experiences that you'll look back on you go like, Wow, that was kind of a defining moment in my life where I made a choice that could have led me to a a wrong path. Even being in those situations, you know, having the strength and courage to not get involved is really important, even if, like you said, you didn't leave. Until later.

those are defining moments to see where you really stand. And it's always comforting to know where you are able to withstand that. And Go, okay, man, I don't want to be there again. You know what's interesting though about that group of friends? Every single one of them knew where I stood. Every single one of them were close with my mom. Like my mom was like a second mom to them. I could have said, Hey guys

I don't like this. This isn't making me uncomfortable. And they would have found a way to get me out of there if I never said anything. Yeah. I never said a dang thing. Yeah. I've been I was in this some of those situations too as a teenager and like you I wish I would have said something'cause I was really uncomfortable and I still remember.

some of those experiences. But well, I've loved this conversation. I'm grateful for you guys' insights. It's been really fun. I think we've learned a lot and we've been able to open up and talk about some important things with helping our teenagers.

feel more confident maybe in their peer situations with their friends and with their groups that they're involved in. We like to kind of close out with final thoughts from our teenagers. If you guys have any advice for parents on how we can maybe be more understanding or help you with in your situations, what is maybe advice to teenagers of what you'd like to say to teenagers on how to maybe handle some of these situations coming from a teen, you know?

I think that a good advice to like another teenager is like if you're in a situation and you decide that like you don't want to participate in whatever they're participating in and you say no and then they judge you for that and they shame you for that, then they might not be a good person to even hang around anymore. And as hard as that is to like let go of a friend, you have to do like what's best for yourself and your values. And I guess like advice to a parent.

is the trust thing. Like if you do call your parent you're at a party that you shouldn't be at, they shouldn't like lash out on you. They should trust you and I guess not lecture you. like more help you because you were uncomfortable in that situation. Yeah. What I'd say is Just try to find your core friends that will always have your back no matter what and when you go to certain places.

most of the time you you should try to bring bring one of your close friends or two so you're never gonna be alone in a situation in case you're uncomfortable Like, if you say no then they'll say no f with you and and you can always be together and it helped I didn't even think about that one. That's great advice. You'd have a co pilot. Yeah. Or a wingman. Wingman. Depends if, you know, there's the ladies are there. Yeah. You have a wingman and a copilot. There you go. Just have yep. Both. Yeah.

Jeremy, any final thoughts for us? Yeah, just teenagers, just remember who you are and if you don't know who you are, start exploring that idea. Like who you think you are is way different than everyone sees you. Especially your parents and if you believe in God, especially God and parents, look for opportunities to teach with peer pressure rather than lecture. It

Audrey's right. Like it's not the time to lecture and get angry in that moment. Like your kid made the right they might have started with the wrong choice, but they they did a good thing and made the right choice. And so if they get sucked into peer pressure and they look the other way or you even see them hesitating, help them with it and just encourage them and Last thought is dead. Don't shame your cousin.

friends or your kids' friends. It's not helpful. It's not useful. Talk about behavior. It's not people. I really like that advice because I think you push your kids away. I'm sure I've done that with my kids and that's a really good lesson for me to learn is to not shame but yeah, worry about the behavior and not the not the friend. So

Anyway, we hope you guys have learned some valuable skills and lessons today. We're always grateful for your time and we're always grateful for our teenagers. Audrey, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been fun. We'll have you back if you'd like to come back. We always like to have our teenagers back. So again, if you guys have any other thoughts or questions or any other topics, please reach out to us and close with that. Thanks for being with us. We hope you enjoyed today's episode.

If you'd like to reach out to us, Mind the gap dash teens. Or on Instagram. At mindthegap.we listen.