Chapter Eight: Human 101

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I can't wait to eat human food again. Does this cafeteria serve boiled goulash? Negative. How about try? Uh, it's chicken nuggets and garlic bread today. Ooh. Could I try a nibble? Yeah, go for it. Hmm. Nope. Still not a fan of the garlic bread. Maybe it's too soon. Ren has been cooking up a cabbage paprikash I'll sink my teeth into tonight. Popcorn for lunch, Lucy? I don't trust anything else here. Hey, Lucy. Oh, hey, Art. See you at the shelter later? Yeah, you betcha. Cool.

See ya. Ah, my popcorn! This is excellent! Strange reaction to me spilling my popcorn everywhere. No, no, no. It's just that I... I don't have to count every single kernel. Freedom! Um, is that a vampire thing? Yes! If grains or seeds are spilled, a vampire has to count every single one before moving on to another task. Explains why you cleaned up Principal Quincy's sunflower seeds at the treasure hunt. But no more!

Huzzah! Watch as I walk away from the spilled popcorn, not even looking back. Thanks for the help cleaning this up. Wow, modern plumbing is a marvel. I haven't used a toilet in ages. Oh, TMI, Vlad. We can tackle human 101 later. Come on, we've got to head to gym class. What is a TMI? Hold it. That, in the mirror, is what I look like? Uh, yep. That's your face, buddy. Come on, let's go. I haven't seen my reflection in over a hundred years.

Give me a minute. I am looking good. Glad you're feeling so confident. What? Dodgeball awaits. Doug! Glad, are you okay? Wow, a dodgeball to the face. Who knew that could hurt so much? Yo, your nose is bleeding. Huh, how about that? Yeah, let's get you to Nurse Ward. It's quite exhilarating to actually be able to bleed again. and not want to drink it. Happy for you, Vlad. But maybe keep that detail to yourself. I love being human again.

GZM Shows presents Nina and Lucy's Guide to Slaying Dracula. Based loosely on the classic novel by Bram Stoker. Chapter 8. Human 101. That's a...

cool carry you made for your rat, Lucy. What's his name again? I was trying out Ratty, but it didn't stick. Now I'm oscillating between Edward and Robert. Kinda formal, no? Edward Scissorhands? Or Robert Smith from The Cure? Also, my dad's name was Edward Robert West. Oh. That's cool. Lucy! Art! Hello, human Vlad. Human? Uh, inside joke. Hey, uh, could I join you? I've always wanted to take a walk in the sunshine.

You've never taken a walk before. Gives me a chance to try out the new harness I got for Edward. Robert. No Edward. No Robert. You're gonna walk the rat? Why not? I think he'd enjoy it. Plus, he needs the exercise. So refusing to run on his wheel? It's like he's too good for it. Come here, little guy. Let's put that harness on you. Ow! Are you okay? He bit me. Let me see. Your finger's bleeding. Thanks, Vlad. I had no idea. No, no. I just have no interest.

And that's a good thing. I guess it is. Vlad, are we near your house? Does your mom have our first aid kit? Oh, uh, yes. Pretty sure I've seen some novelty bandages lying around. Right this way. Here, Lucy. Use my bandana to keep some pressure on it. Thanks, Art. Blood is rather disgusting, isn't it? Sentence I never thought I'd say. Why? Oh, uh, no reason.

Here we are, fun bandages in all sizes for all sorts of nasty wounds. Uh, thanks, Miss Fields. I'll be right back with some refreshing beverages. Nothing but the best for my dear son and his pals. Oh, that's okay. Nonsense, Art. Why don't you help me in the kitchen? I'm not going to end up in a pot, am I? You'll be fine, Art. Right, Mother? Yes, he'll be fine.

Come along, but keep your grubby little kid hands by your sides. Vlad, I've been meaning to ask... Is Renfields really my mother? I'm no mathematician, but if you're like 150... How old is she? She's just a strange lady I hypnotized to act like my mom. For cover. I didn't want to call attention to myself as a 13-year-old living alone. Plus, I found she's very susceptible to hypnosis.

I do worry it's beginning to mess with her brain. Meh, she's always been like that. So do you live here with her or in the old refrigerator in the basement? Oh, that's just a comfortable, relaxing place to nap and... Recharge. Being down there reminds me of home. But I wouldn't recommend the fridge for those who need to breathe. Thanks for the advice. It's juice time. Drink up. Regain your strength. Here you go, Lucy.

Thanks, Art. May I hold your rat while you drink your juice? Oh, it's okay. He's fine in his carrier. I insist. I wouldn't want him to bite you. It would be the honor of my lifetime. What? Nothing. Drink your juice. Bye. There's something wrong with this juice. Let me try. It's blood. Type O, in fact. Blood in the juice box? Uh... Blood orange. It tastes expired. No good. Yucky. Here, Lucy. I'll get you a new one. I am so sorry. That must be leftover from my little visit to the blood drive.

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I'm debating between citywide blackout and honest onyx. Always go onyx. You're right. Pass me the polish remover. So tell me about your date with art. Dish. Does it count as a date if you're on the volunteer clock? Why not? How about if your formerly fanged friend joins? Vlad crashed your hang. Was it awkward? It never had a chance to get awkward because Edward bit me. Edward? Scissorhands, my rat. Is that the name you've landed on? I'm not sure that name suits him.

So he's the reason for that Spongebob Band-Aid on your finger? It was all Renfields had. Wait, Renfields was there too? Yeah, she tried to give me a juice box with blood in it. Okay, that's disgusting. But very on brand for her. Maybe you should name him Chewy. Chewy. Since you tried to gnaw my finger off? Mm-hmm. Chewy, it is then. What do you think, Chewy? Girls! What is it, Mom? Time to trade the jams for Jim Jams. You know, like...

Pajamas? Yeah, we got it. How long have you been sitting on that one? Oh, too long. Good night, girls. Edward. Chewy. Why did you wait till the middle of the night to use your wheel? Luce, tell your rat to go back to sleep. Oh, Chewie, your eyes are really red at night. You could use some rat eye drops. Do they make those? Sorry, didn't mean to insult you. What's your problem? Are you okay? Here, I have a leftover Dorito on my sleeping bag. You want it?

A peace offering. Here you go. Wait! Chewie, where are you going? Come back! Lucy, wake up! Chewie got out of his... Lucy? She's gone too! Oh no, not again. Reporter's recorder. Entry number 569. Mina's musings. Lucy's sleepwalking again. I'm on my way to our bench at the cemetery. Used to love that it was secluded on top of Whippy Hill. Now, not so much. Did they make the hill steeper? Then when did so many coyotes come to town?

Lucy! Luz! Are you okay? I knew you'd be at the cemetery. Lucy? Luz, you're so pale. And frozen. Here, take my coat. And hat. And scarf. i forgot mittens seven kernels must be a good dream you're having if you're laughing in your sleep eight are you counting nine kernels That's a new take on counting sheep. I need to get a pic of this. You're smiling like a Cheshire cat. Oh no. Lucy, your teeth. Are those 18 pangs?

Hi, I'm Suri Marrero. And I'm Jenna Ducanay. And we play Mina and Lucy in Mina and Lucy's Guide to Slaying Dracula. For more great shows, visit gzmshows.com. That was a good one. That was a nice job.