Father Malone's Weekly Roundup - Together (2025), Conan (2007)

with legs and all other regards. Let me ask you something, Pittsburgh, Hi, you sleeping anyone? Remember King Kaiser. I realized I should retitle the show to simply the round Up, but I'm doing my best y'all. Twice a week is serious business.

Speaking of that, thank you to all my patrons. I didn't realize that there were that many of you. I just show up and post a new episode and hope you're enjoying, and you seem to be. That's Patreon dot com slash fatherm Alone. We've got new shows only available there. And of course everything early, and I'm not talking day before early man, unless I just finished it and it comes out the next day. Of course, I'm talking weeks

in advance, speaking of new shows or legacy sequels. Chris, you, our frequent collaborator here at Midnight Viewing, has an all new, reconfigured, primed and pumped, fresh coat of paint version of the Culture Cast, debuting a much more personalized version of the show. I've heard an early episode. Check him out. He's got a Patreon too. Everyone's got a Patreon, And since we're talking Patreon, I'm so excited to announce I'll be featured on a Patreon exclusive show with Paul Waller, the host

of a Year in Horror podcast. It'll be on his Patreon feed, and then once the entire series is complete, will be available to the non paying public. But that's like a year off at least. The show is called Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late last night? Can you guess the subject? If you can, you're cool if you can't. It's a werewolf show. We're looking at like aanthropy through the Ages, starting with mister Lon Cheney and the wolf Man. We've already got a couple of episodes done and they

are a fucking blast. If you want to hear what that will sound like, you can check out Paul on a previous episode of Midnight Viewing where we discussed George Romero and Stephen King's and I think might be my favorite movie of all time. Sorry, don of the Dead,

You're still in the family. Creep show. And if you head over to Paul's show, A Year in Horror, the best horror podcast out there, better than this yep might be this month he is looking at the works of Wes Craven and I'm on the first episode talking about my main man swamp thing. And check out episode four of his West Craven series. I got to Paul before he went to press, and he graciously allowed a rebuttal on his show. He is fucking awesome. A Year in

Horror is fucking awesome. You know what else is awesome? Halloween, and it's coming every year. The spooky season begins a little earlier than Skeletons and ghosties start popping up for purchase in the late July, but the actual witching season is October. And to start the festivities right, come to Las Vegas. We don't have leaves changing or a chill that seems down into your bones. But we will have hot rods in horror every witch away. Mark that calendar.

October fourth and fifth, twenty twenty five, at the Silverton Hotel and Casino, the Nightmare in Vegas Convention and Car Show. They've got guests, they've got vendors, they've got blood and gore and so much more. And this year they've got midnight viewing. That's right, We're going to be on display for both days of the convention. Stop by and argue with me about Tales from the Crypt. It's bad you're

blinded by nostalgia. That message is for Lono specifically, but all of you, really, And it won't be just me, Oh no, no, no. Winging in from Beantown will be mister h P. Come to the booth and make him compose you a diddy. He's quite good at that. Also joining us will be the aforementioned Chris Stash you from the Culture cast, winging in from Wheatville. Isn't that what Nebraska is known for? Just a whole state designed to

murder me? Not featured Mike White because he's selfish, Detroit versus everybody, indeed, So come down to the Silverton Casino on October fourth and fifth, Nightmare in Vegas. Let me tell you something, Las Vegas in autumn is fucking heavenly. I'll push no more, but I will put links in the show notes to all of this Malarkey. Hit these people up and let him know Father Malone sent you. You know where it isn't fucking heavenly. The High Borian Age.

That's where I've been spending too much of my time lately. You remember the high Borian Age, between the times when the ocean strank Atlantis and the rise of the suns of Arius. It was an age undreamed of. I'm talking, of course, about Robert Howard's Conan the Barbarian. Have I been watching the movie on a loop for weeks? Or have I been going back through the novels and fragments of novels and trying to separate that fucking villain El Sprague de camp. I hope I mispronounced that from Howard's

original work. Maybe you might not know this. Robert E. Howard was a Texas lunatic who wrote a ton of pulp adventures featuring a ton of diverse characters in supporting roles. In the main role, he kept recycling and reusing the same hero in different garb, bound by the different rules of the different ages, the true distilled version being Conan,

the Conan, the Barbarian, Conan, the King. If I'm being totally honest with you, Conan is my second favorite Howard hero I'm a sucker for a pilgrim fighting demons, which is a fascil way to describe his righteous puritan Solomon Kine. They made a film about him a few years back, with James Purefoy in the lead. He was okay. The movie was okay, which is a drag because it has

some fucking great moments in it. It was an abandoned and or shelved production and ultimately relies too much on cgi that never had enough time or money to sustain it, though it is worth a look. It almost gets the spirit of the books, which is my way of saying, read the Solomon k novels. You can read them all in a couple of days. They're great stuff. Anyway, Robert E. Howard, did you know he was pen pals with H. P. Lovecraft.

It's true they had spirited discussions about their individual created universes, Howard's Hyborian age and Lovecraft's old God Mythos. You should read those two. So Howard ekes out in existence, ekes out in existence, and it all ended horribly. But his human drama was just the fucking appetizer. Because Howard is dead in nineteen thirty six, his father continues publishing the books through the forties to pretty great success. The editor of those novels is the prick I named el Sprague

de Camp. When the popularity of Conan was apparent, to Camp and a few others began expanding the Adventures of Conan, which is fine, extended universes are what they are. But de Camp started engaging what is euphemistically referred to as pastiche, which is a ten cent way to say he rewrote a lot of Howard's original work. The motivation supposedly was to get the character more in line with all of the future adventures. Well, fuck that, man, you're not George Lucas.

This ain't Star Wars. It's stupid shit too, Like adding the numbers of armies there were three thousand Volusians. Oh thanks, I'm sure Howard, meticulous in his own writing, left that out accidentally. Not only that, De Camp then suppressed all of the original work from being reprinted. That way, he's drawing a salary and has control of all of Conan and the motherfucker wrote a biography of Robert Howard that

is less than charitable anyway. No, I haven't been watching the movie or rereading the novels or watching the TV series. Remember that Conan the Adventurer. They figured another muscled guy with Germanic name equals instant Conan incorrect or the cartoon. Have you seen the Conan cartoon? I mean cartoons plural. That first animated film was another Conan the Adventurer that was in ninety three. That one was such a huge success.

I mean we're really all still talking about it. That the very next year they released Conan and the Young Warriors. They are terrible. Actually, there's a fan made a tribute film on YouTube called Conan the Sumerian by a fellow named Alan Segwin. If they made that into an animated series, it'd be something special. Check the show notes. I have neither been engaged with any of that media, nor have

I been reading the many many comic books. You ever hear Quentin Tarantino talk about Conan, it's usually in the framework of the John Millias film, But any talk of the character outside of that is completely and utterly rooted in the Marvel comics of the seventies. He seems to have no other frame of reference. It's super weird. So not them. Not the board games. Oh my god. Remember the Conan Unchained module for D and D. No, you don't, but it was great. He had his own role playing

game in eighty five. No, I'm talking video games, and there have been a lot if you were unlucky enough to be a Conan fan. Back in eighty four we got Conan The Hall of Volta, which was basically a mashup of Donkey Kong and Jungle Hunt. What a crashing disappointment. Then I want to say ninety one there was a top down gauntlet style Conan, which was a little better because at least the figures resembled humans. Most recently we had Conan Exiles. There are a lot of proponents for it.

I have still yet to dip my toe because somehow I'd missed out on the two thousand and seven Xbox three sixty game simply called Conan.

Hither came Conan, the Simarian, black haired, sullen eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a weaver, a slayer, to tread the jeweled thrones of the earth under his sandaled feet. Conan's lust for adventure in gold led him to Balmoria, a solitary island lost to the far western sea. He made his way toward a long forgotten tomb on the high peak, and there he did.

early illustrations have a pretty fit looking fella. But the reason I'm convinced in the character's continued popularity through the sixties, thus propelling it into the seventies when filmmakers became interested, were the illustrations done by mister Frank Frizetta. Now, he is no slunch when it comes to over muscled behemoths, but his Conan wasn't that. He's the ideal of physical perfection. But it's all coiled and sleek with a mop of

black hair raining down except for his bangs. Yes, Conan has bangs a proscenium to showcase his ice blue eyes. It's the best version of the character we're ever going to get, and it is the model for con in this game. I'm actually glad I didn't find it earlier. What a fucking treat to be controlling Frizeta characters in a Frazetta world, and it's oh so fucking violent. I

found myself doing terrible things. I mean, it's to cannibals who are trying to eat you and fell beasts from the Stygian depths, but good lord, the bloodshed and nudity out of nowhere. Conan is a voiced perfectly by Ron Perlman, who'd end up being Conan's dad in the Momoa remake. I keep trying with that movie. There's just something off.

Tell me what it is. Listeners also in the show notes. Anyway, The gameplay is basically God of War, which is no surprise given it came out in two thousand and seven. But I'll take that engine in that style gameplay if it means I get to battle alongside the Queen of the Black Sales. That is another cool aspect. Most Conin games are original stories. This is a Howard original with a lot of embellishment, but the embellishment seem mostly drawn from other Conan tails in the Howard's cycle of books.

There's a little too much simple problem solving and carry this big rock over the stone alter kind of shit. But when it's cooking, Oh boy, is that why I've been exhausted every day at work last week? That's right, But that's okay because I know what's best in life. By the way, everyone loves that scene. Everyone repeats that quote Crossia enemies, blah blah blah. The best part of that scene is the opening, when Conan's swordmaster is speaking to another across the table, and he says, my fear

is that my sons will never understand me. And that's it. That's his only dialogue for the entire film. Where's his movie? Where's his legacy comic book or anthology novel? Anyway? Conan Xbox three sixty, two thousand and seven, a video game from twenty years ago based on a character whose continued popularity is based on a film from forty years ago, based on a series of stories from nearly one hundred years ago. I'm keeping things current here at the roundup,

or you know what, maybe I'm being precient. Oliver Stone's original draft of Conan the Barbarian, heavily rewritten by Milius, obviously wasn't set in an age long ago. He had the High Borean age in the future, after we'd wiped ourselves out. Who knows, Maybe I'm training to be the next SUBATAI. We'll see the way things are going. I wouldn't be surprised. Oh man, do you remember the Cone

of the Barbarians stunt show at Universal Studios? That fucking big set, that fucking laser tunnel like they had in one of those Frankie goes to Hollywood relaxed videos. How many videos did you need? Guys? And then at the end they had a fucking dragon come out. Oh man, I want to be in that show. Bring it back. I'll start lifting.

to get the monkey cam? Body horror? There's been a resurgence? Was there a resurgence?

at Christmas time is completely natural. You've clearly come to terms with this meat engine strung on bones, with a fleshy thinking mass trapped in a cranium that we all inhabit and may crom bless you. Sorry, it just came out. How else to describe your gillie in watching said flesh bubble and ooze and mutate and to drip and bleh. Boy that I mentioned I'm not a body horror fella.

I also mentioned Cronenberg. He is the patron saint of body horror, mainly due to the fact that, even though he was mired in exploitation, he never seemed to stoop to it. Even something as rabbit as rabbit has an air of respectability to it, so when he started forcing audiences to stare at the terror contained within the human body, it was a bit easier to take than something like

Parasite three D or The Incredible Melting Man. I go so far as to say Cronenberg legitimized the genre when he completely mutated Jeff Goldblum into a no longer human monstrosity in The Fly Is the Thing a body horror movie? It's gotta be well. I guess that makes John Carpenter the king of body horror. Sorry, Dave, you know I attended the premiere of Dead Ringers, Cronenberg's twin Surgeon Body

horror film with Jeremy Irons and Genevieve Bougoux. This is nineteen eighty eight, So I'm fifteen and Cronenberg is in the lobby talking to someone. So I stand a few feet off, waiting for an opportunity to say something fumbling and awkward, And as the conversant finally leaves, I step into say hello, and his wife swoops in, looking straight at me and says to him me, we have to go. And Cronenberg looks at me for way too long and then turns and walks off, not a word, not even

a what are you gonna do? Shrug? Like I wasn't even there. So love you, Dave, Fuck you, Dave. John Carpenter is the king of body Horror. Where am I going with this? Can I bring it all together? Yes? I just did. Segs are my speciality. I saw the new Body Horror film together. Anyone order a trailer?

So much goddamn talent, so much assurance. In previous episodes, I've mentioned the unwarranted hate of Wes Anderson's productions, because whatever the content, they're an assured style and that's what we've been getting lately. Not as mannered as Wes Anderson of course, but as meticulous and considered Talk to Me

was a fucking home run. If you haven't seen that, go watch it right now, Barbarian again, go watch here Tic, stop the show and go watch Though this isn't the first time we've talked about that Hugh Grant and Sophie Thatcher shocker. Anyway, Shank demonstrates such a seasoned vision for the film that I wouldn't be shocked to know it was his tenth feature and not his first. Style goes a long way in telling a story, and he's got that down as well as the storytelling chops. The film

stars real life couple Alison Brie and Dave Franco. I love Alison Brie unabashedly. She's one of those performers who is so good in a rolled that the first time you see them, you assume that is them. Such was Alison Bree when I first saw her as Trudy Campbell on mad Men, and actually we all seem pretty close to that character and enthusiasm. But she followed that up with a mousey turn in Community and from there it's been as varied and as interesting as any actor currently working.

And yes, she's fucking adorable, an Elfin Brunette with blue eyes. She could be a Frizetta drawing. Actually, oh my god, somebody make an Alison Brie painting in the style of Frizetta. Speaking of they're making that Masters of the Universe flick right now. She's playing Evil Lynn. They already have my money. As I always felt bad for Dave Franco starting a career in the shadow of the tornado of talent and creepitude that is his brother James, but he's always delivered

solid comedic performances. Did I say unabashedly earlier? That's also my love for his flick twenty one Jump Street. I could watch that movie on a loop and I have unabashed I say, he's really good in that film, subtle in an incredibly unsubtle environment. And since then it's been James. Oh yeah, he's Dave Franco's brother, and fucking good for him, man, because he and Alison Brie are not only the stars

but the producers of this film. So if his instincts are leading him here like Shankman, I'm really curious to see what he does in the future. They're both great here, by the way, no surprise though, I was wildly impressed with Alison Breeze flexibility. Jesus she needs no special effects. They play Tim and Milly, a mid thirties couple who've decided to say goodbye to their Manhattan life and settle in the country, where Milli has been hired as a

teacher in the tiny towns even smaller school. I say they've decided, but really Milly has decided. Tim is a musician who was once on a label but has fallen off and now basically attends to Milly while still clinging to the hope of music stardom. Once they've settled in their very rural home, the house is surrounded by woods, not a forest. Woods man deep and dark, and don't

go out there after nightfall. On a hike intended to rekindle their fallow relationship, they fall into a cave where all sorts of terrifying shit occurs and gets the plot in motion. I'd say the mcguffin driving the movie is ultimately unnecessary, but Shane manages a pretty nifty trick In each of those sequences. He suffuses his jump scares with dread. He does it a lot. They're not telegraphed and they don't feel like a cheat. And if this man ever

makes a movie about nightmares, we are all doomed. Scary fucking imagery in this flick, brav fucking' oh man. Body horror has taken many forms and themes over the years. Hey is the wolfman body horror? American werewolf in London says, yes, get me, Paul Waller, We've got a new angle on. Little old lady got mutilated late last night? Can you tell I love saying? Body horror at its core is fear of transformation that has manifested as parables, of sex,

of mutation, of addiction, of self loathing, but codependency. Way to surf the zeitgeist, motherfucker, and what better way to do it than with an actual married couple just an extra side of fucked up coleslaw. Melli and Tim start finding each other completely irresistible, magnetic even and anytime they're in contact they just can't seem to separate. This results in the requisite skin crawling and stomach churning so loved by the body horror community, which is almost entirely done practically.

It would seem though any enhancements made with a computer. I guess We're welcome because it never felt uncanny. This is not a spoiler. I'm not trying to spoil this movie at all. But these two start coalescing anytime they're together, and it is disturbing and awful and so much fucking fun seriously and funny. The movie is effortlessly funny, not set up Joe hahaha, but natural laughs throughout as the characters interact with each other and their new and unthinkable situation.

Those characters remain strong throughout, exploring all these agonizing themes of love and commitment and complacency and yeah, codependency. I myself am wildly codependent. You are listening to a man who has been in heavy relationships every day since he was sixteen until about ah four years ago, more than three decades, so I understand the pull and the need and the rudderless feeling without And maybe this movie struck a nerve a little harder with me, but that isn't

why I'm recommending it overall. Codependency as a theme is fine, and it is a fucking innovation, But the real innovation here has made the first truly accessible body horror film. It's got a level of restraint lacking in most help. Most are just like, look how fucking gross this is. And while there's no shortage of revulsion tinged moments in

the film, it isn't trying to dislodge your lunch. I know purists will cry it's like a PG version when the unrated Triple X Director's cut is available, But have some mercy on us body, horror people. We're still worried about the creature from the Black Lagoon. And that's this

week's a round up. Thank you all once again for tuning in and listening to me ramble. Tune in again this Friday. We've got Yaucha Fest returning. What's a Yaucha it's the actual name of the Predator, So HP and I are cloaking ourselves and running unseen through Predator iiO. That's the La based Predator flick with day Any Glover and the World's Worst actress Maria Cancheta Alonso that is available Friday. Patreon subscribers have had it at least a week.

Plug plug Okay, I'm gonna get out of here. Check the fucking show notes. It's gonna be bursting with fruit flavors for ripley Geen I'm Father Malone. We leave you now with some wise words.