Father Malone's Weekly Roundup - Red One, Cobra, Better Off Dead

doing unconventional Christmas movies today. Your Lethal Weapons, Your Long Kiss, Good Nights, Your Last Boy, Scouts, basically anything written by Shane Black, Your Kiss, Kiss, Bang Bangs. You're Nice Guys? Was the Predator set at Christmas? If it isn't, it should have been. You know, he gets shipped for doing that set in every movie in Los Angeles at Christmas. I think it's endlessly charming, and I guess you have to spend some time there to appreciate the artifice of

it all. There's absolutely no discernible change in your surroundings except for one month. All the street lights are festooned with glitter and tinsel. It's surreal and wonderful, which is a good way to introduce our first film if I

was describing it to you with total irony. This is Red One.

But then Elf seemed to come from a place of love. You know how every year, someone you know, or some hacked television reporter will inform us that Christmas has become too commercialized. Red One is that sentiment in cinematic form, an incredibly bald cash grab, an attempt at a franchise. Our first clue should have been the author, Chris Morgan, The mad bastard behind the Fast and the Furious films. You don't hire him for a standalone though that would

be a subtle hint. The big cleague light of a hitt is that anything with Dwayne Johnson, and it is an attempt at a franchise. So here's the plot. Chris Kringle, help us all Santa is real. He's got a bodyguard, he gets kidnapped. Bodyguard turns to a regular human who hates Christmas. But it is a hell of a tracker to find him. Guess what happens? Well before Captain America can figure out that Christmas is magic thanks to Black Adam,

we have to visit all the other holiday folk. See, there's an organization that keeps peace between the mythological creatures and Jesus Christ. How about it's just too foggy to deliver the presence and you need a special reindeer to do it. This is a bastardized Men in Black slash Nightmare Before Christmas slash Marvel film. Is Chris Morgan just a pseudonym for an AI bot? Because if you just fed in what people like about Christmas movies, out would

pop this thing. What's particularly galling a side of everything is. It was directed by Jake Kasden. I had the highest of hopes for him as a filmmaker, son of one of the best screenwriters pound for pound ever produced, Lawrence Kasten. Empire Strikes Back, Raiders, The Lost Dark, Silverado, Continental Divide is a great script. Now, I know, talent isn't genetic, although in Jason Rerightman's case, I think he inherited all of his dad's talent. But Kasden's first film is the

absolutely terrific Zero Effect with Bill Pullman. It's a modern day take on Sherlock Holmes. It's literally an adaptation of Scandal in Bohemia. But it is so odd and so fun, just absolutely bucking all nods to what a commercial film should be. An unlikable lead, a convoluted and at times completely inessential plot, a studio film that was a gentle character study. Oh Man, the future looks bright for young Kasden,

and then he did Walk Hard. The Dewey Cox Story a film that has forever sharpened my criticism when it comes to musical biopics. And it's absolutely hilarious. You know what's not funny? Red One, Not one joke Lands I did like the polar Bear, and Crampis is great. He's played by Christopher heive you, that crazy redheaded wildling from Game of Thrones, and he was in the prequel to the thing. He is always great. But here's the thing.

All the flights of fancy and glittering CGI cities and talking polar bears can't disguise the fact that there's not one original thing going on here. Let me describe Chris Evans' introductory scene. Now, he's a world class mercenary minus the military garb and training. He's hired by clandestine wealthy people to infiltrate enemies and steal secrets, which is what he's doing in the opening scene. While on his way to do that job, he goes through a Starbucks, steals

a coffee, steals a newspaper, and continues to the job. Ooh, he's slick. We're meant to think he's a real troublemaker this one. What if there was a cop in that Starbucks? Even if he's slick, even if he can talk his way out of it, why would he seek the attention on his way to a highly illegal job that he's being paid no doubt? Hundreds of thousands of dollars to due.

And it's not like he's reckless this way at any other point in the film, it's just boring shorthand what's the laziest way we can show you who this guy is. This occurs immediately after I should point out a flashback to him as a child behaving in exactly the same fashion, A hat on a hat. Two hundred and fifty million dollars.

Back in eighty five, the Salkins, the Superman producers, they released a thirty million dollar flop called Santa Claus the Movie, a movie I'll note that was originally going to be directed by John Carpenter. He got as far as casting. People thought they were nuts spending that money on that idea for a movie, and it was a flop, but it was original and it had John Lithgow as the villain. Red One has Kiernan Shipka, an actress. I still can't figure out if she's any good or if I just

remember her fondly from Mad Men. Gee. I want to say something really positive about Red One here. Evidently a good fifty million dollars of the budget was because of delays due to Dwayne Johnson. I guess anything that reduces his role in popular entertainment is a positive on that level. I highly recommend red One Boy. You said it, you go next, HP, for the love of all that is tense, will get us out of here.

in nineteen eighty five, I went to a creation convention. You used to refer to sci fi conventions by who was putting it on back in the day that meant creation. When a convention was a little more pointed, like Star Trek or Doctor Who, they would probably call them one of those, but they were still being put on by

creation anyway. Late in eighty five, I had become friendly with a bunch of poster dealers, and one of them pulled me aside because he had a brand new one sheet for a film that wouldn't be coming out until the following year. My twelve year old heart nearly exploded when he pulled out that red and black image of sunglassed and match stick sliced alone with some high tech looking machine pistol in his hand with a laser sight. I bought it that day, and I hung it on

my wall until May twenty fifth, nineteen eighty six. That's when I saw the film. I took the poster down to that afternoon. If someone were to ask for a time capsule selection of the platonic ideal of an eighties action film, you'd probably put in die Hard or Lethal Weapon, anything by Joel Silver really, but I suggest that those movies were the exceptions to the rule. The majority of eighties action big dumb, self important self serious could be

represented best by Cobra Marian Kobretti. He's the top dog of the zombie squad, the man you call when there's no one left to call. He sits around the house in mirrored shades and leather driving gloves, eating cold pizza that he's cutting into tiny or slices with a pair of scissors, and watching Toys r Rus commercials. This happens in the movie and it is my favorite fucking scene. So Cobretty. That's a made up surname, sliced alone. Made

up that name so he could have the nickname Cobra. Legitimately, Cobra is the baddest of badasses. He's monosyllamic. He's not afraid to kill a suspect and knock out a journalist for asking him if that was necessary. He has no time for pencil pushers or due process. He's a man. This is Dirty Harry for morons. I mean that lovingly. That film Dirty Harry got criticized at the time for lionizing the rogue cop, but that movie is more complex than that. Harry's actions cause him to quit the force

at the end. No one remembers that because there were sequels to be made, but the moral ambiguity was there and it is at play. Actions have consequences and result in a feeling of hopelessness, certainly not joy. Remember Callahan's speech to the bank robber. I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, I'll tell you the truth. In all this excitement, I have kind of lost track myself. But he in this is a forty four magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world,

and would blow your head clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well?

visceral action. Which is amusing because a couple of years prior to Cobra, Sylvester Stallone was offered Beverly Hills Cop, and he accepted, did a draft of the screenplay where Axel Foley became are you ready Axel Cobretty. That's right, Cobra taking down the stuffed shirts and privileged of Beverly Hills. Now, I wouldn't say Stillone had a character in his head in search of a screenplay. But here's the thing. He

didn't go off and write his own movie featuring Cobra. Instead, he got the rights to a novel called A Running Duck by Paula Gosling, which he adapted, turning its lead character Mike Malchek of Vietnam era Sniper and now Cop into Marion Kobretty. His name is Marion so sly can

let you know that he's comfortable with his feminine side. Incidentally, that book A Running Duck would be renamed fair Game, and then that would be made into another film of the same name, which starred Cindy Crawford and Billy Baldwin. So the film follows Ingrid Nudesen, a model played by Brigitte Nielsen in a Harpo marxwig, and she witnesses a murder and has to be protected by Cobretti and his

partner Gonzalez. Incidentally, Gonzales is played by Rene Santoni, who we talk about a lot here on the Round Up. We talked about him during the Clue episode he played Poppy on Seinfeld. He's here along with Andrew Robinson to subtly remind us that Dirty Harry was a good movie, so this must be a good movie too. That's right, Both of those guys are in Dirty Harry. The villain

is played by Brian Thompson. I think most people would recognize him as the alien bounty hunter from The X Files or Shao Khan from Mortal Kombat, though for me, he is forever and always the spandax Clad Also Harpo marx wigged helicopter pilot from the climax of the great film Miracle Mile, a movie we are going to definitely

be covering at some point. Brian Thompson has a group called the New World where they all get together and clang axes rhythmically before going out and committing really clumsy murders. I don't know why they needed the top guy from the Zombie Squad. It seems if you just put a plain clothes female officer by herself on literally any street,

these fools are gonna show up. I mean, Bragite Nielsen is driving toward the murder scene and Brian Thompson takes off his pante hoose mask, walks to the center of the street and looks directly in her face. This is their leader. Oh boy. I know Brigitte and Sly were married during the filming of this, and I gotta say I'm shocked they're not still together. Sparks are flying down at the Sparkler factory that does not appear in this movie.

Guess what. I am recommending this movie overall as much as Ripley is, Oh stop, we agree more than we don't. This is the dumbest of dumb, dumb action movies. Sure, there are plenty of examples of action films that are poorly made on top of everything else and can function on the level of kitsch. But for pure unadulterated campiness, you have to go to a film with a budget of thirty million dollars. Thirty million and eighty five. Raiders of the Lost Arc cost twenty two years prior, and

that was set in the thirties. Remember that shot of the sun coming up and they're digging, and Indy pulls on his hat and they're all burning hot silhouettes. God, that was beautiful. Cobra does have one actual piece of beauty in it. I'm not a car guy, but even I will admit the sheer, gorgeous gorgeosity of Cobra's ride. It's a fifty mercury lead sled, apparently mister Stallone's own vehicle. When they started smashing it to shit, I got really upset.

I know they made stunt cars, but it's just irresponsible showing something so beautiful beaten so badly. Fuck you, Tyler Dirt, my turn, unconventional Christmas pick, It's better off dead. Does

it ever feel like everyone's got more going than you do. Oops, that everyone is smart. Shit, you're al Myers kid.

Is there anyone who doesn't love her? Did you see Valley Girl? But the tone is even more of what I'm getting at this film Peewee seemed to signal not necessarily a wave of like minded filmmakers, but at least an opening into the studio system for those not necessarily interested in the types of films being targeted at us. You know the John Hughes of it all? Kids, don't they related to John Hughes movies because he was giving adult voice to teenager's wildly unfocused burst of changing body

and personality. But it was a lie. No one talked like that. Name one motherfucker whoever said zoom dweeby to you. I'm not saying anything in Better Off Dead represents reality in any way but man, it does feel like being a teenager. The surreality included the stop motion Hamburgers voiced by David Lee Roth, the Howard Cosell voiced competitor in a daily drag race, that girl dating the basketball team. This is a weird one and kind of a marvel that it got made. So Laine Meyer is dumped by

a girl. The luminous Amanda wiss I once had a conversation about nothing at all with her in a casting agent's office back in the mid nineties. In the entire time, my mind was screaming, it's Tina, that girl that appears in all your nightmares. Because of that fucking sequence in Nightmare on Elm Street. It was really hard to keep it together. Then Lane spends the rest of the movie attempting to kill himself. I love this movie. This is going to sound like sacrilege, but this movie does have

one aspect that is stronger than Harold and Maud. Harold is just pretending Lane wants to do it. Intention matters, and because of that intent, everything around Lane is necessarily heightened. Your mom's cooking is bad. Check out the tentacle monstrosity. Lane's mom is whipping up sincerely on rewatch. I found myself looking away during her meal presentations and there are a lot of them, way more than I remembered, and

they are nauseating. That's Kim Darby as the mom. I think most would know her from this, but you want to check her out in True Grit, that's the original with John Wayne. She's young Maddie in it, and she's fucking amazing. Oh, I guess this is becoming a bit on the show actors with their voices replaced. We had Rene Santoni replacing Lee Ving's voice as mister Body and Clue. And in this movie that persistent newspaper boy, you just heard it in your head. I didn't even need to

cut in the clip. Well, that kid, Damien Slade, he doesn't sound like that. The voice berating John Cusack for two dollars belongs to Yano and Naya. Speaking of Christmas movies, he plays Grover Dill in a Christmas Story, Scott Farkas's Evil Toady. All the Christmas entertainments are colliding. There is so much of this movie that lives in my brain. Curtis Armstrong's top hadded advice Lane, I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I know, dummy,

I know high school girls. Diane Franklin's advice Kikizas, I totally believe she was a French actress man e. G. Daly, Amanda Wiz, Diane Franklin, hell Bugite Neil, and just a cavalcade of formative attraction. On this week's round up. I'd be curious to hear what younger folk have to say about this film. Actually, if you've never seen this film and watch it, then drop me a line. Email address is in the description. If you haven't seen it in a while, give it a watch, and also drop me

a line. I'm curious if you think it held up. I think it did. It even reaffirmed a theory of mine. Rich Little never sounded like anyone he was impersonating. He's doing the Howard Cosell voice here, and he does not sound like Howard kosal As an Awes spectacle. A word has it that upon seeing the film while in the middle of filming another movie with director Savage Steve Holland, Well here, I'll just read you what Savage Steve had to say in an interview with The Sneeze back in

two thousand and four. So we're all watching the Better Off Dead screening that night and John walked out of the movie about twenty minutes into it. He walked out and he never came back. The next morning, he basically walked up to me and was like, you know, you tricked me. Better Off Dead was the worst thing I have ever seen. I will never trust you as a director again, so don't speak to me. And I said,

what happened, what's wrong? And he just said that I sucked and it was the worst thing he had ever seen, and then I had used him and made a fool out of him and all this other stuff. And I was just stunned because it was funny as shit and he was great in it, and he was helping me edit it through the summer. It was sort of like the breakup that I made Better Off Dead about. It was so out of left field that it just floored me.

And he was at dailies every night too. I feel like I let him down, and it totally surprises me so much, because I have to say, the most important person to me about that movie was John. I really wanted him to love it as much as I loved it, and once he said all that stuff. It was like a girlfriend who breaks up with you. You can't fight with her. It's like everything is so great, and then they say, I hate you out of nowhere, there's really no argument you can have. I had my heart broken.

That was the second time my heart was broken since that girl. That Better Off Dead was about honors to God. I have a solution. Are you listening you franchise Obsessed Studios. This one is a guinea same lead actor, Hire Savage Steve Holland to write and direct a new Hot Tump Time Machine starring John Cusack. This will feature Laine Meyer going back into Better Off Dead. I not only give you this idea for free, I will pay you for the final product, probably multiple times. How often do you

get an offer like that? Who's offering you that get out of here? We are getting out of here, Mary ex Miss Midnight Viewers. You may now return to your Hallmark channels and your rankins on basses. I will leave you with this bit of holiday advice. If you watch a movie on that holiday, it's now a holiday movie. Fuck everyone else's opinion now not yours. Check out Midnight Viewing The Horror Anthology Podcast This Thursday, we're taking a

look at Tales from the Dark Side season two. Those are the episodes The Shrine and The Old Soft Shoe. Those are a blast. If you want to support midnight viewing financially, go over to patreon dot com slash fatherm Alone. Subscribers get episodes early and commercial free, and we've got a subscriber only series coming up soon featuring early cable television's attempt at filming stage productions. Oh It's a gas.

That series features this show's composer HP. You'll find links to all of his stuff in the description as well. Special hello to all of our UK listeners. We've had an uptick in listenership across the Atlantic. Blackwood, that's in Wales. How cold is it in Barnsley right now? I see you Barnsley. Also, I don't know what's going on at Canary Wharf, but I want in. That's gonna do it. We rounded it up again and again. I'm gonna leave you with a few words from Better Off Dead. This

is fabulously cour reminds me of the Moonshine. Ricky's dead Pappy is to make God bless joy.